Birds of Prey #34

Now King Shark doesn't look like a hammerhead. Does DC Comics not have one single fucking reference picture for this character?!

Gail Simone mentioned that she thought it was a shame that Birds of Prey was cancelled. She's completely wrong. The comic was horrible for a good portion of its New 52 run. It was a confusing mess that never went anywhere and never made any sense while Swierczynski was writing it. The characters acted like fucking idiots with no memory of any of their own past actions, and that was even when Choke wasn't stealing their memories. Birds of Prey should have been canceled before Christy Marx took over. She spent way too much time trying to remold the clay. And then she found out it wasn't clay she was working with but shit. It's been decent to fun for a few issues now that Marx has finally got the shitship entirely under her control. But it's too late to save it. And, at this point, who fucking cares?

What DC should have done is cancelled it before giving it to Christy and then rebooting it under Christy Marx a few months later in the same way they did for the Teen Titans and the Suicide Squad. I don't think DC has enough writers willing to waste their time washing and cleaning and fixing characters the way Jeff Lemire did for Green Arrow. At this point in The New 52, just jettison shitty books and bring them back with new creative teams a few months later. That way you don't have to hurt Ann Nocenti's feelings every time you remove her from a book so that a better writer can take over. DC can just tell her, "Oh, sorry. The book wasn't doing very good and we had to cancel it." Then bring it back in a few months! Ann Nocenti won't even notice because she's too busy researching topics on Wikipedia and taking notes on the lingo! Now if only she would learn how the lingo is used instead of just dropping it into the comic book helter skeletor!

Before I begin reading this issues, let me just say a little prayer. Please hold hands with any stranger near you and lower your head. But not so much that you can't read the prayer since I won't be reading out loud for you. You're going to have to do that yourself.

"Dearest God who art in wherever thou art, Owl be thine name. Please don't let Ann Nocenti irrevocably fuck up Klarion the Witch Boy. You saw how maltreated Katana was at her hands, did you not? Of course you did! You see everything! I know I never ask you for anything, mostly because I don't believe you exist, but if you do this one thing for me, I promise to never masturbate again. I bet you get that deal all the time, don't you, God? It must be disgusting! Having to imagine the hands clasped in prayer are covered in jizz and vaginal secretions? Gross! Anyway, here is the thing I would like for you to do, and if you can't do it, I hope Christy Marx does: please kill Condor. Make him dead in the way that comic book characters die where they don't ever come back. I don't know how you do that but please do it. Maybe have him explode on an island but show his head wash up on shore and his body being devoured by Killer Krill. Or sharks! Yeah, do the shark thing! Sharks are better. Sorry, sorry! I probably shouldn't tell you how to do your job. Should I be capitalizing your pronouns? Anyway, you do that and I'll be forever grateful and crap! Thanks a ton, God! Your friend, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't have read that prayer since I signed it from myself. Oh well, it can't hurt, right?

Oh! One more thing, God! Please let Amanda and Kurt have a baby named Havana! That will make me look really impressive to my readers. Thanks!

Amanda's big secret is that Kurt only married Dinah to make her happy. Wait. Why is that a secret? Am I missing something? Maybe Amanda took too many blows to the head before revealing her secret. She's probably just confused and will mention Havana in the next scene between Black Canary and herself. Until then, it's time for more battling between the Squad and the Prey.

Boomerang battles Batgirl and I think she wins when she's offended by Digger calling her weapons "boomerangs" and she says, "They're batarangs!" That's showing him, Babs! Strix battles Harley until Deadshot comes along and puts a five or six bullets into her.

I don't think people "dodge" bullets as much as flinch, shit, and scamper in random directions.

The battle is derailed when a bunch of terrorist thugs attack. Since Batgirl needs to keep the hostage safe, she figures she can lose Condor in the upcoming battle and sends him off with Mambety (the hostage!). And then she asks Deadshot to help her defend Mambety from the thugs attacking them with weapons. She even calls him "gun guy" so she knows exactly what she's doing. She's basically hiring Deadshot to kill these people! I suppose it's not too different from hiring a Talon to work on your team.

With his daughter Havana? Dancing on Condor's grave?

I haven't scanned any pictures of King Shark yet but, trust me, he gets bigger in every fucking panel he appears in. Where is that reference pic for King Shark, DC?!

Canary and Waller end the battle and their teams go their separate ways. As they leave, Digger says he could go for a couple of Foster's. I knew he was only pretending to be Australian!

Later, Kurt chooses Amanda over Dinah and Dinah tries to cry on Barbara's shoulder. But Barbara's shoulder has gone cold! She's all, "We were once best friends but not anymore because this book is cancelled and this is as good a reason as any to break up the Birds of Prey! I hate you!" Then she kills Condor and everybody lives happily ever after.

Oh! I forgot about Strix! Mother Eve offers to give Strix a Stephen Hawking voice so that she can communicate with the Batgirl. I bet the first thing she says is, "You have a Bat-Everything and you couldn't even come up with a Bat-Tablet for me to write messages on?!"

Birds of Prey #34 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to rate it as the worst comic book that was ever written because Condor lived no matter how many times I wrote he died and then deleted the sentence because I was hoping he'd die later. Finally, he didn't die so I just left in that he died because I hate him and I wish he'd died. If DC ever comes out with a New 52 Who's Who, I'm skipping the "C" issue. All in all, this run of Birds of Prey has been shitty at its worst and not as shitty at its best.