Pandora #13

I'm not even going to pretend I understand how her right arm is doing what it's doing.

This issue begins with more art with which I'm not entirely pleased. I'm not even close to not entirely pleased. I'm way over on the dis side of pleased. But what can I do? I suppose I could go on Twitter and tell Francis Portela to draw more betterer. Why can't good old Francis draw more dynamic characters the way Rob Liefeld does it! Or used to do it? You know, I've never actually read a Rob Liefeld drawn book with dynamic characters and yet that's the way most of his fans defend his style. I remember it far differently! Nearly every character was posed like an action figure with three points of articulation!

Andrew Dalhouse might be part of the art problem too. His coloring is flat and boring and not at all pink and lively! Why is everything gray and brown? When there is a color like red or yellow or orange, it's actually Nearly-Red or Nearly-Orange or Nearly-Almost-But-Not-Quite-Yellow. Or it looks like I'm viewing the colors through plexiglass on a foggy day.

See?! Oh wait. The colors actually look brighter and more vibrant in the scan! Maybe I should scan every page before I read it!

That little building with all the smoke is where Marcus lived in 1800 BCE in Greece. Even back then, he was Pandora's weapons maker. Although his skin was a bit pinker and he had more hair. But in a few panels, he's just as dead as he is in July of 2014. But an old Greek woman teaches Pandora the proper way to burn Marcus so that he will be reborn with his most important aspects intact. Those aspects are his weapons making ability and the other one that Pandora likes so much. Oh, you know the one I'm hinting at! The one that most guys don't like doing! Cooking! And I don't mean on a grill! I mean proper cooking with recipes and ovens and pots simmering over and sometimes even baking which is somehow different than cooking but still quite important.

Oh! I almost forgot! To properly perform the Ritual of Reborning, Pandora must speak these words in Old Runic Portugese [sic]: "Do it, yo! Shebitch."

Once Agent Agent Kincaid patches up Pandora's wounds, Pandora explains to them that she must burn Marcus's body so that his soul will be reborn. Then she must find him again, and raise him to be her lover. Um. Ew. I'm less concerned that she seems to kidnap him from his real family than I am that she acts as his mother until he's old enough to do it to. No wonder SHADE thinks she's a monster!

I know you've lived through various cultures with various beliefs, Pandora, but can we please try to make it at least seventeen years before the hanky and the panky?

Giganta and Agent Agent Kincaid help Pandora with the ritual although Pandora gets the Old Runic Portugese [sic] words wrong. It still works because "Do it, yo. Shebitch" are probably outdated magic words and offensive to modern magic sensibilities. Although her new magic chant is "Come back to me, you retarded nigger faggot" which seems the tiniest bit insensitive. It's possible I'm purposely mistranslating her Old Runic Portugese [sic] because I'm an asshole.

Pandora has a vision that Marcus is currently being born in Okinawa to loving parents that are going to be majorly traumatized in the near future.

Once the ritual is over, Agent Agent Kincaid offers Pandora and Giganta a chance to be dropped from SHADE's most wanted list. It seems Baltimore is about to be overrun with a vampire infestation and if they help, she'll pull some strings and SHADE will leave them alone.

The Vampire Cult is run by a super sexy Vampire Queen who might be Bloody Mary. She also might be completely racist since all of her vampire brethren are white. I think.

Come on! This is Baltimore! I'd expect at least half of these vampires to be, um, more urban!

Pandora #13 Rating: No change. This comic book didn't answer the question, "Where did Vandal Savage land?" I hope Marcus is born to a family that lives in a haunted apartment complex where people have transplanted eyes that see the dead and live in apartments where somebody did something awful and a vengeful spirit has remained behind! Or maybe somebody watched a cursed video tape and then forgot to make copies of it and force other people to watch it and so the scary well girl began coming out of television sets and killing people all over the place. Now I want to stop reading all American comic books and just read Japanese horror comics.