Sunday, August 10, 2014

Action Comics Annual #3

DC put out a memo that Superman cannot appear on a cover without his eyes glowing as bright as Satan's asshole. It's a fact!

I was so deep up my own smart ass while reviewing the last issue of Doomed! that I forgot that Lois Lane's articles are laid out as if they were blog entries and not actual newspaper articles. So I apologize for speculating how she was printing her own newspapers while everybody else in Metropolis was in a coma. It's obvious that she's blogging these articles and posting them without any editor taking a look at them. In this one, she types "Psi'ss" instead of "Psis" or, less incorrectly, "psionic people." Also she fucked up her caption on the pic of Brainiac by typing "artis" instead of artist. This issue, she's using the blog as a platform to confess that she's been behind a lot of Metropolis's troubles lately and it all started because she hated that Clark Kent began blogging. Which, you know, she's doing now because she finally realized that analog media is for an audience that has one foot in the grave and is missing their other foot from diabetes. Anyway, this whole Lois Lane is a 12th Level Intellect with psionic powers story arc was begun by Scott Lobdell and it might be the worst story written about Lois Lane ever. And that includes all the ridiculous Silver Age stories where she appeared in a comic book subtitled "Superman's Girlfriend."

I wonder if Lois Lane will go on trial for all the death and destruction she's caused? I suppose she'll get off on the "I was Mind-Controlled!" technicality that prosecutors must hate in the comic book world. It's more effective than the Twinkie Defense.

Lois is currently trapped in a cage within her own mind which explains why her previous articles have been so shitty. Brainiac has been writing them and English is his nine hundred and thirty second language, so he's not particularly comfortable with it. But now Brainiac is busy guiding his ships to invade Earth, so she was able to write a cry for help and hit publish. She knows Clark Kent obsessively stalks her blog and, thanks to Brianiac, she knows Clark Kent is Superman, so it seemed like the best way to inform Superman that she was in trouble.

So that's how Batman's plan to remove the Kryptonite from the atmosphere succeeded. He called in Lex Luthor.

Batman called in Lex, the smartest person on Earth, to help out even though he has access to the smartest person in Earth, Shay Veritas, Omniologist! I will never like Shay Veritas because Scott Lobdell created her and gave her the title of Omniologist. He doesn't know how to layer characters, does he? He just decides, "I will make the smartest person ever!" I guess he did give her a slight limp to show how frail her body is while her mind is so strong. That's not trite and overdone or anything.

Batman also gathered a couple of characters that hardly matter but since they were behind the release of Doomsday, Batman probably figures he needs to keep an eye on them. Also, he's probably planning on transferring the Kryptonite in the atmosphere into The Phantom Zone. Does he realize if he does that, he'll kill all of the people trapped inside the Phantom Zone excluding Mongul? He'll be the greatest murderer of Kryptonians since Krypton itself!

Meanwhile, some cheesy shit goes down in Brazil where a little boy everybody thought was a monster except for Superman believes in Superman while everybody else believes that Superman is a monster. Or something. I was distracted by the sudden onset of every symptom of diabetes due to it's treacle sappy sweetness. Also Ghost Soldier was involved and that character is an idiot.

Superman and Baka the Monster Boy head to Metropolis so that Superman can meet up with Lois Lane and they can discuss how much it sucks to suddenly be possessed by villains.

Wait. It was nanobots doing all the damage? But what about the brain wave coma radio relay that Lana Lang found? How could she miss all the nanobots when she's the greatest electrical engineer that's ever lived? What a rookie mistake.

I am so fucking sick of nanobots. Fucking Grant Morrison. Ever since he had Niles Caulder create the nanobots with his Think Tank, DC Comics has been infested with the things. I wish DC would send out a company wide memo putting a moratorium on nanobots.

Superman destroys all the nanobots and Lois is free! Yay! Oh god I'm so bored and irritated by this sappy crap. Now Lois uses her telepathic powers to assure Clark that she believes in him and that the world doesn't deserve him and yet he still fights for them and OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET AN INSULIN SHOT RIGHT NOW?!

We even get a shot of a boy and his dog. Oh god, why can't I feel my feet?!

And then Superman and Krypto destroy all of Brainiac's ships. Unless they self-destructed. Whatever. It doesn't matter because Cyborg Superman's gigantic Space Rectum opens up and the Collector of Worlds arrives to pick up the planet he ordered out of Previews a few years ago.

Action Comics Annual #3 Rating: Here's the great thing about this annual: you don't have to read it! You can choose between this Annual or the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual. You don't have to read both. And in a world where you don't have to read both, I'm recommending everybody skip this one. This issue is worse than the one panel from Superman Loves Wonder Woman where Batman declares he succeeded in removing the Kryptonite. This issue is awfully syrupy. It also does that thing where everybody believes in Superman so Superman should gain strength by that. But guess what? Nobody fucking believes in Superman and nobody has believed in Superman, if not from the beginning of The New 52, since at least from when Scott Lobdell took over the title and decided to write him as if he were the X-men and nobody trusted him because human beings can't trust anybody that is naturally stronger than they are. Sure, Lois points out that Earth doesn't deserve him since they've all been such righteous dicks to him. But to suddenly claim they believe in him now when their lives are on the line? And Superman buys it? Well, I guess that's what makes him Superman. He does the right thing even when he's treated like a dick.

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