Futures End #15

No wonder Brother Eye has to catch all the super heroes. It's a giant Pokéball!

I've been awful lax in my religious studies over the last year or so. Y'all think I'm long winded when I go on about twenty pages of comic books? That's nothing. I've only gotten 46 pages into The Pentateuch (not even out of Genesis yet) and I've already written 258 pages of commentary on it. The majority of it can be found at Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs. Although I've only posted 48 of the 57 Chapters I've completed. I think Joseph's time in Egypt began to drag and I stopped reading a while back. Also, I decided to finish Chapter Two of Dwarf Lover. And then I began reading The New 52. So pointing out how bad God is at divinely inspiring writers took a back seat to discussing how bad Scott Lobdell is at comic book scripting. I suppose The New 52 has, at the least, given me more time before I begin commenting on The Koran. My guess is that commentary will be the last thing I ever write since Islamist fundamentalist madmen are generally more dangerous than the lovable, bigoted, sign wielding scamps of Christian fundamentalism.

What I mean to say is that I need to organize my life. I first mistyped "life" as "lie" and isn't that the truthiest truth about existence? Anyway, I need to come up with a timetable to work on different projects. Maybe I can rehire my assistant Pickle Boy to help out. But he's really enjoying his new job at Subway being a Sandwich Artisan. I'm not sure he'll come back to work for me. At least not without a written apology and signed promise to stop with the sexual harassment. Oh Pickle Boy! You're like a heroin filled doughnut! I can't get enough of you and yet you don't actually exist! I mean, you do exist but the heroin filled doughnut doesn't exist. And if it does, it's probably pretty expensive.

If I cut this out and sent it to Pickle Boy, would it be seen as creepy or romantic?

Solid proof that face-masked Superman is not Kal-el because Kal-el would never say "finally" like this. As if Superman has to try hard to do anything so that when he accomplishes the feat, he has to sigh, "Finally!" No, he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it. That means that Welder's Helmet Superman is actually Booster Gold. But then we all knew that as soon as we saw him in his first appearance, didn't we? I mean, I did! But then I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and I notice stuff like that.

Okay, so I didn't notice the origin of Calendar Man when Batman was beating it into existence. But that's because Calendar Man is a dumb jerk with a stupid villain theme. I get why Calendar Man's name is Julian Day. Makes sense! But I'd have given him the name Jason Djfmamj.

Anyway, back to Booster Gold. He's somehow the new most important person of The New 52 during this Futures End crap. Ever since Justice League International Annual #1 where he met himself and disappeared, I've been waiting for the story behind that meeting. That was the first time Brother Eye was contacted by whomever the ultimate antagonist is in Futures End. Probably The Cancelator since his first appearance was in the final issue of Justice League International. OMAC even does the scream that turns into binary when Booster Gold attacks h...oh my God. Skeets is Brother Eye's New Programmer!

Wait. That can't be right! That was the big secret twist in 52! Kind of. I mean, Mister Mind was ultimately responsible but he used Skeets. I think Brother Eye and the "New Programmer" are just using the Skeets Virus to their advantage! Because when Booster Gold downloaded the Skeets Virus into OMAC, it caused OMAC to do that "ARRRRRR000011100111000!" thing that everybody keeps doing when they're infected by Brother Eye. I still think the "New Programmer" is The Cancelator. He hates comics that don't sell well and wipes them from existence.

See? Nobody can elude Superman for weeks. But eluding Booster Gold? Easy peasy!

Superman speaks with Lois after Rampage escapes. Lois mentions the vision she saw where OMACs were guarding a prison full of super heroes. And then she asks about his mask and why he wears it. But she doesn't ask why he speaks like an adolescent male. You know, an asshole. With his "Yeah, that sucked" and "Your ass is mine" and "Crap!" That's the way that idiot Booster Gold speaks! Unless the person behind the mask is Supergirl. That's my other guess! My final guess is that it's Vampire Tim Drake from the future.

Meanwhile on some planet that seems to be the headquarters of The Cancelator, Amethyst and Hawkman discuss why The Engineer has turned on them.

Something is always controlling her! She's been a huge liability! She desperately needs to update her firewall.

According to the cover, this conversation is going to end badly and Amethyst's face will soon have a new home.

Or maybe the cover is just a representation of Frankenstein's first dream in two hundred years. He dreams about Futures End #0, wakes up, and says, "Um. Whoops?"

Back on Cadmus Island, in the Earth 2 Detention Facilities, Hawkcop has a conversation with her neighbor, Rita. Another prisoner named Loomis pipes up at some point as well. Unless there was a Rita Farr on Earth 2, I don't know who Rita could be. As for Loomis, it might be the silly looking older version of The Prankster! That's probably why they don't show him because his looks aren't modern era comic book appropriate. Rita and Hawkcop mention how Scott Free, being the best escape artist in the MultiOmniverse, comes and goes as he pleases. And just like that, he comes! Or, er, returns with some news.

Growing!?!

Finally some rough beast from an ancient ruin in Malaysia has hitched a ride on a shipping vessel, killed everybody on board, and then proceeded to slouch toward some village in the desert. It's looking for an alien or something. Same alien that John Constantine and Tommy (hopefully Tommy Monaghan, fatter and longer haired but still wearing shades) are pursuing. What alien? I don't know. Long lost Superman?

Futures End #15 Rating: No change. I enjoyed this issue better than some of the previous issues because it spent more time on each scene. And instead of skipping around from scene to scene and back to scene again, it just developed the scene across a few pages and then moved on to the next one. It's much easier to do a commentary when I don't have to keep saying, "Back to Fake Ass Superman..." and shit like that. I hope that Tommy is Hitman who had to go into hiding after the New 52 version of his Preboot series wound down (and he, you know, faked his own death). Plus he has that X-ray vision so he's probably as useful as Cole Cash in spotting Earth Twofers and aliens and semi-erect penises in khakis.