Futures End #14

Finally somebody is going to die in this comic book! Although if Deathstroke survives the fight versus Big Barda, I'm going to send a harshly worded tweet to every one of the Futures End writers.

This is for the older readers out there: Did you ever wonder why Janice of The Electric Mayhem was working as a nurse at a veterinarian's hospital? Discussing The Muppets the other day with the Non-Certified Spouse, I realized what that was about. She was only working there to get her hands on the ketamine! She may have done ketamine herself but I think it was really Zoot's drug of choice. Dr. Teeth was obviously on acid and shrooms after having long put away the meth addiction that earned him his name and his gold teeth. Animal is coked out and on PCP. Heck, the ketamine might have been used initially to sedate Animal for The Electric Mayhem's gigs until Zoot took a liking to it. Floyd and Janice seem to primarily roll with the Mary Jane.

One of the best things about The Muppet Show is that my theories in the previous paragraph aren't based on wild, unfounded speculation. Jim Henson's Muppet Show was for adults no matter how many kids it attracted due to the fuzzy animals and Kermit's association with Sesame Street. Those Muppet rock stars were built to look like they were fucked up. And even if somebody wanted to argue that The Electric Mayhem were straight edge, I'd still point out that Gonzo was backstage fucking chickens. And he wasn't ashamed of it either (I'm not saying he should have been. That fucker was a bold weirdo and my childhood hero)! I refuse to watch Muppets From Space because fuck everybody that took over after Henson died (his son included!) because they didn't understand any of it. Gonzo is not a space alien. And I love space aliens! But I hate that they decided he needed to be explained somehow. Can't a motherfucker just be left alone to be a simple motherfucker? Or should I say chickenfucker? And if anybody wants to argue that The Muppets didn't crash and burn after Henson died, I only have one word (plus an intensifier) for you: fucking Elmo.

The opening scene of Futures End #14:

Go Barda! See if his healing factor is any good at curing his own head up his ass!

Of course the real problem here is Fifty Sue. She's one of those creatures that can think something and it happens. And if Emiko hasn't put an arrow through her skull yet, she's already too late. And as you can see by the scanned image, no arrow is sticking out of either of Fifty Sue's eye sockets.

Fifty Sue uses her magic powers to stand on Barda's tits while punching her in the face eighty zillion times. I counted.

Emiko decides to take over the fight against Deathstroke. Now, Emiko has a lot of spunk and pent-up emotional baggage and anger at her parents and the death of her brother but I just don't think that's going to be enough for her to beat Deathstroke one on one.

Then again, Slade is pretty fucking old. His reflexes aren't what they used to be.

Emiko also shoots Fifty Sue with an Immolation Arrow. While Deathstroke bleeds out and Fifty Sue bakes, Emiko and Barda beat feet. But only if "beat feet" means they run away like a racist stereotype. You can insert whatever race you think best fits the role of coward; I'll take no part in your disgusting portrayal of people not like you.

Guess what's happening with The Key's gang? Fourteen issues in and do you think they're ready to raid Terrifitech? Do you think I just read a scene where they've worked everything out and are finally ready to move? I probably wouldn't be asking this question if they finally had worked things out, would I?

But they're really close now! Maybe by the end of this issue close!

Later at Columbia University, Madison "My Father is a Treasonous Monster" ICan'tRememberHerLastName has joined a radical feminist group that wants to put a stop to sexual violence. I don't know about that. That's a pretty controversial subject! What about people that like to commit acts of sexual violence? Have you not thought about their feelings? Who's to say their beliefs aren't valid? Oh! You know what? I bet she wants to put a stop to non-consensual sexual violence! Oh yeah. I can see that! That's a little less controversial.

The one page scene also bores me with Cal returning the necklace to Mad because he wants to be able to track her with his super secret Red Robin tracer inside the pendant. The most entertaining part of this scene is Red Robin's horrible fucking beard.

What is going on on your stupid face, Cal?!

When was the last time I talked about masturbating? I don't seem to talk about that as often as I used to. I apologize to all the readers whose favorite moments were those I spent discussing self-gratification! I'll have to work that into my reviews more often.

Meanwhile back at Cadmus, we learn that "collaborator" is an offensive term and that Geoff Johns isn't the only writer at DC that enjoys poking hornet's nests.

Saying somebody falls like a girl is funny because how else are you supposed to fall? Men and boys never fall! It's the number one reason given for sex reassignment surgery (female to male): "Tired of falling down all of the time."

Cole has fallen down into the subterranean holding facility of Cadmus where they keep Earth 2 prisoners and OMAC guards. Once he brushes himself off from the long girl fall, he has to deal with the OMACs. He doesn't do a very good job of it so Fifty Sue has to help out. Even though she's the one that shoved him through the ceiling grate in the first place.

Wrong! Your fat was literally on fire, you dumb-dumb face! Wait, is "dumb" ableist? I meant you slutty cunt!

I'm trying not to swear as much because I want my mother to be able to read my blog. And the best way for her not to know it's me writing nasty things about my mother is if there is no swearing. "Can't be my boy. Ain't one 'fucking spunk monkey' comment in the whole mess."

Fifty Sue and Cole Cashcow confront one Lana of Earth 2 (oh, you know which Lana!) and grill her about Stealth OMACs. She says, "Well, let me tell you about those...." But then the scene ends. Because Futures End doesn't want any plot to get too far ahead of any other plot.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane (even though she turned her nose up at Clark when he first began blogging way back in Superman Annual #2! I guess the world's greatest investigative journalist finally investigated the mystery of the dwindling hard copy fanbase and decided that blogging was a worthwhile investment of her time (it's also probable that she hated blogging back then because she was being written by Scott Lobdell and he just hates the internet because it allows criticism to have a direct line to his stupid face) is up to! That parenthetical reference was probably too long for anybody to remember the beginning of the sentence so I'll just start over without my hatred for Scott Lobdell welling up to ruin everything.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane is up to! She's reached a dead end because I guess she's not as good a journalist as I once thought. Luckily she has a triangular device that gives her some clues in the forms of images of Earth 2's greatest heroes! The slide show ends with Red Tornado and a voice mentioning how Red Tornado's previous human designation was Lois Lane! Dun dun DUN!

Futures End #14 Rating: No change. Nobody died. Well, Kevin died! His head blew up thanks to Fifty Sue! But since Kevin was a nobody, who the fuck cares, amirite? What was explained in this issue? Nothing, that's what! I might as well just be flushing my money down the toilet! That's where I keep my savings.