Worlds' Finest #26

So many capes!

Every time I see the trailer for Dolphin Tale 2, I get all riled up and offended and my hackles go all "sproing!" It is such a dehumanizing story about dolphins. It's possible my problem with the movie is that I'm approaching it from already humanized dolphins, so you might point out that I'm overreacting. Maybe humanizing dolphins is the reason somebody thought this movie was a good idea! Who wants to go see a movie where people are inspired and learn about hope from a hopeless, intelligent creature being held in captivity? Just imagine how offended you would be if this movie took place in 1833 and Winter was a slave on some Southern plantation?

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The trailer opens with a beautiful Southern Belle, Sadie, welcoming some older, white gentlemen in white suits to her palatial estate overlooking her cotton fields. "Hey everybody! How's it going today?" Also imagine that the producers, directors, writers, and actors decided that anachronisms weren't going to hurt their inspirational teen flick, mostly because I can't be bothered with all that in this quick sketch of a thoroughly offensive movie I'm about to describe. Winter, the house slave, steps up and offers everybody some lemonade, "fresh as a raccoon's biscuit."

"Looks like Winter's particularly playful today," says Sadie as she flashes a smile at her guests and shoots daggers at Winter. A young slave girl runs up and belches and everybody onscreen laughs as the main title appears: A Slave's Tale 2. This is followed with "The most extraordinary slave in the world will face his greatest challenge." Perky, upbeat music plays as we see the nearly corpsified local doctor speaking with Sadie. "Your house slave, Winter...he's not doing well, Sadie." Sadie's younger sister rubs Winter's head as he sits on the porch staring blankly over the bright green, nearly mile long front lawn, a small pair of clippers lying at his feet, something in his right hand hidden by his leg. The doctor says, "Does he do much housework?"

"Hardly any," replies Sadie.

"Have you tried bribing him with bacon?" asks the doctor. Sadie stares at the doctor incredulously. "It works for my cat," he drawls, and they both smile wide as a tear drops from Winter's eye to splash the small, hemp doll he holds, unnoticed, in his right hand.

The scene shifts to Sadie and the Doctor speaking in a luxurious parlor. "Winter needs to be paired with another female, and soon," warns the doctor as the music shifts to a nervous, unsure rhythm. Sadie's younger sister and brother sit by nervously wringing fancy lace something or others.

The scene shifts to a dark night out on the front lawn with the stark white estate in the background lit by electric lights. The Doctor, Sadie, Sadie's siblings, and several neighbors stand anxiously upon the dirt drive. Half a dozen men ride up with torches, a woman with a bag on her head and tied to a rope stumbling behind them trying to keep pace. "The local constabulary just picked up a runaway. It's a female." The lead man gets down off his horse, hands the torch to another and pulls the woman up from where she's collapsed in a heap. He removes the bag and an "Awwww!" rises up from the throats of the gathered onlookers. The woman spits and screams and breaks down into fits of crying as the gathered white people smile at each other and tilt their heads in the way people tilt their heads when they're looking at something extraordinarily cute and/or valuable.

The Doctor shouts nervously, "We've got to get her to her kind fast!"

"I'll take her myself!" Sadie runs forward in her majestic dress and tenderly helps the young woman to her feet. "Come on, girl," she whispers in that way slave owners whisper to slaves and furniture and the chickens. Her siblings rush behind her as Sadie takes the woman into the slave bunkhouse, setting her down on an empty bed where the woman curls up into a hitching, sobbing ball of tears and anger. "Now all we can do is hope," says Sadie.

"Hope," says Sadie's little sister. "That's her name."

A short montage gives the impression of some days passing as Hope is given clothing, and fed, and shown what chores she'll be responsible for around the slave bunkhouse. Hope stands rigid while holding a spade and staring at a tiny grave marker by the far corner of the bunkhouse. Sadie's brother watches and says, "Can we talk about putting her to work in the house with Winter?"

Sadie, aghast, says, "You can't just throw two slaves in the house together!"

"If they don't like each other! We'll lose Winter!" Sadie's brother stamps his foot and runs, crying, back into the house, ignoring Winter sitting on the stoop shining a pile of shoes.

The scene shifts to a long dining table full of silver everythings and sumptuous foods. Winter stands nearby with a pitcher of Iced Tea as the family talks about what they can do to save Winter. The music becomes inspirational and upbeat. "What are we supposed to do?"

"It's a big world, Sawyer," says the Doctor who came by for some roast suckling and peach pie. "You have to shake it up now and then."

"I know Winter!" Sadie's younger sister, Sawyer, proclaims as she slams the silver gravy tureen down upon the table. Winter flinches as he stands behind her ready to pour some tea as soon as a glass is half emptied. "If we don't give him this chance, what do we do? I don't want to look back on this knowing we didn't even try!"

"Sawyer's right," says Sadie's younger brother, Little Sadie. The little slave girl from earlier runs in and says, "Yumm yumm!"

"My sentiment's exactly!" says the old Doctor as everybody congratulates themselves on their newly awakened inspiration to do something inspiring and save Winter although they don't know what that will be yet. I mean, they know it won't be setting him free or anything. At this point, the music really kicks in so that the audience knows the white people are about to get some serious shit done for Winter and Hope!

Then there's a fifteen to twenty second montage of Sawyer and Little Sadie doing amazing things over lines like "Believe" and "the strength of white people" and "the power of delusion" and lyrics like "No matter what they put us through!" and "I believe in me and you!" until the trailer settles back down on Sawyer and Little Sadie watching Winter and Hope standing somewhat apart from each other but both staring down at something near the far corner of the bunkhouse.

"We don't know for sure if slaves feel friendship, but it feels like they do," Sawyer says to Little Sadie as Winter and Hope both drop to their knees and begin rending their garments. "That's not a bad thing."

Sadie appears on screen again saying, "Is everybody set?" She's standing before the slaves bunkhouse. "Okay. Send Hope!" She opens the door where Winter can be seen sitting on the edge of a bed naked, shadows hiding anything that shouldn't be seen in a trailer for a family movie. Hope is pushed and prodded into the bunk in a white, gauzy dress. Sadie and her family and all the white, rich neighbors look on expectantly, hugging and grinning wide as the final title credit comes up: A Slave's Tale 2. The music continues, "I believe! I believe in you!"

The screen goes dark for a moment before returning to show the little slave girl once again spinning around and banging into the porch window as a young white boy down the way and Little Sadie stand inside watching. "What is wrong with that nigger?" says the neighbor.

"Where do I start?" says Little Sadie, shaking his head in sad trombone resignation. The little girl belches blood and the music ends and "Fucking Never" appears on the screen. That's the month this movie is going to come out!

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Okay then! How about we read a comic book?

Power Girl and The Huntress have arrived on Earth 2 during the Battle of the Worlds' Biggest Boom Tube! Now, they never appeared in Earth 2 during the battle but I imagine, judging by the cover, they'll wind up in the part of the battle that wasn't shown while The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick took care of business with Aquawoman.

Back on New Earth, Doctor Spears learns that she's now not only rich but powerful to boot!

Lucky for New Earth, Desaad also made it through the portal. Also lucky for The Huntress and Power Girl because that was really fucking irresponsible of them to leave him behind! He could have killed everybody! Or at least a few dozen people before Batman stopped him.

While Desaad is busy trying to get back to Apokolips via the great big new Boom Tube and Tanya Spears is getting checked out for new super powers, Power Girl and The Huntress head off to confront Val-el and Replacement Batman. But apparently that won't happen in this issue because 17 year old Tanya Spears is the focus of this one. Her and her new super powers and her physics professor that believes in God because he wants it to be true and not because he has any evidence for it.

Never trust a scientist that feels he needs to make up answers to questions he can't yet answer.

Earlier the professor says, "There's no conflict between science and the spiritual in my view, simply two ways of looking at the universe." True! One way looks at the universe and what it does and says, "Okay. Look at that. That's how that works." The other looks at the universe and says, "I hope my ego lives forever! Let's pretend that's a thing!"

Finally, Tanya learns that she not only received loads of cash from Karen but the name "Power Girl" as well. How exactly did Karen transfer her Kryptonian powers to Tanya?! I bet she used some technology she fucked away from Michael Holt!

Worlds' Finest #26 Rating: No change. There's a new, very young, super smart Power Girl in town! What team is she going to join first?! I hope she joins Justice League Canada because that's the best Justice League out there. Although they already have Supergirl so she might be redundant. Although they can probably be really good friends! They're both young and powerful. I think that should be one of the World's Finest team-ups! Also, I should say that I stand by my "A Slave's Tale 2" trailer. I actually think it's well done! Not the main story! The other story! The one the white people can't see!