Batman Eternal #21

Why doesn't Bruce take issue with Alfred's use of guns?

The caption to the cover was a rhetorical question. Bruce wants Alfred to use guns so that Alfred takes the blame for killing any intruders. That means Bruce keeps his secret identity safe because he doesn't act like Batman and it also means Bruce isn't responsible for the bullet ridden dead person on the floor. It's a win/win/win/win/win situation! Those are rare situations, the five win situations. I don't know exactly what they all represent here and I'm not willing to make up the things they represent, so I probably shouldn't have even typed out five wins. Now I've exposed my laziness when it comes to writing! Maybe one of those wins should have been a lose.

This issue begins showing a side of Jason Bard that Batman suspected was there but he hadn't seen yet. You see enough squares in your day and you know when you're not dealing with a triangle. Or something. Also, Batman might just have tangled with Two-Face enough to know about this thing called an "ulterior motive." You should look it up. It's a fascinating read. Did you know that sometimes when people say they're doing something for a noble reason, they're actually doing it for selfish ones? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm still waiting to see the other side of Vicki Vale! Her underside! I was going to say her inside but that's fucking gross.

Commissioner Gordon has just been convicted of a whole bunch of counts of manslaughter because the jury just happened to consist of Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, Duela Dent, Pamela Isley, Tommy Elliot, Roman Sionis, Harleen Quinzel, Jervis Tetch, Basil Karlo, Arthur Brown, Victor Fries, and Harvey Dent. His only shot at not being convicted was a fifty percent chance at a hung jury. But Harvey's coin said guilty and so, Gordon has been sentence to life in Blackgate. And since Jason Bard and Vicki Vale already took care of interim commissioner, Commissioner Asshole, Bard has now been tapped for the commissioner's job himself. Vicki and Jason celebrate by rubbing their genitals together vigorously.

As Gordon heads back to prison for a nice long vacation, Carmine Falcone walks out. He's being extradited to Hong Kong and leaving this weekly grind. But first Batman wants to have a little chat with him.

Batman: "I am the World's Greatest Detective and I know that you are behind Gordon's frame up!"
Falcone: "Ha ha! You are not so good as you think you are, for I am not that person!"
Batman: "If you are not that person, then what person are you? You must tell me so I can have some clues!"
Falcone: "Here is a clue that I had the whole time! It is a poorly formatted invitation!"
Batman: "Yes, you are correct. It is indeed poorly formatted! Who is capable of such a thing?"
Falcone: "You find that out and you will find the person behind everything! But you should hurry because people think they like answers more than they like questions!"
Batman: "But they do not! They only think they do but when the questions begin getting answered, people realize the writers are much better at making up questions than they are at making up answers. That is a very astute observation, Falcone!"
Falcone: "Yes! I was a fan of Twin Peaks and The X-Files, so I know how it can be when the writers answering the questions are not as clever as the writers who asked them!"
Batman: "Well, it was nice interrogating you, Mister Falcone. I hope you have a nice time in Hong Kong. I must get back to solving my case now! Off to the printer!"
Falcone: "Good luck, Batman, my friend! I hope every step of your journey is as uneventful as the journey not taken! Is that a saying of my ancestors? I hope that it is because I needed to build some character! Maybe I should come up with a gimmick like The Penguin so that someday I might be in one of your movies."

Just wait until Batman finds out that Jason Bard got a poorly formatted invitation too!

Back at Wayne Manor, the alarms go off and the Batcomputer stops listening to Alfred unless he gives it the special Blue Rose override. What's the meaning of the Blue Rose? I can't tell you about that.

Alfred opens up the safe room with a secret button in Shakespeare's head because, well, you know. Then he knocks out his daughter, takes her gun, and locks her inside. Now it's time for Alfred Pennyworth to go all Die Hard on the invaders! I wonder if the invaders are the residents of Arkham since isn't one of the new comics coming out in October Arkham Manor? Anyway, Alfred heads off to find the intruder and finds him lickety split! Although he'd probably have liked to have gotten the jump on him.

Oh look! It's little Tommy Elliot straight from the court house where he and his other jurors just delivered the guilty verdict!

Alfred's daughter, Julia, finds her father flipping the fuck out on the floor of the grand foyer. He tries to tell her how to get down to the batcave by setting the clock to ten forty eight but he spells forty "fourty" so she doesn't understand, even though she's British and she's used to extraneous "u"s.

Meanwhile, Jason Bard heads to Blackgate to release The Architect so he can, I don't know, blow up some bridges or something? He calls Hush to let Hush know that The Architect is ready to go. He also calls Hush "Mother" for some kinky reason. Then he destroys the evidence that would have set Commissioner Gordon free. I knew that if comic book justice was anything like real life justice, that evidence wasn't going to do shit!

Apparently next issue, we get to find out who Gotham really belongs to! It better not be Tommy Elliot because we already saw him! Who is the only person capable of printing up poorly formatted invitations?!

Batman Eternal #21 Rating: No change. I hope all the Jason Bard fans aren't disappointed that he's a big jerko! That was a joke because I don't think there are actually any Jason Bard fans. Although there must be since he was a big enough name to have a half-page entry in DC's early 80s Who's Who! And what's going to happen to Alfred now that he's had Fear Toxin injected directly into his brain? Holy shit, he's in for a bummer of a bad trip. Now that Julia almost knows about Bruce Wayne's secret, I suppose she's going to become that extra sidekick that was seen in the Batman Eternal preview issue in Batman earlier in the year. For those of you that think this is any kind of review, I guess I should say, "I'm enjoying this series and I think you will too! If you like Batman and chaos, you should pick it up at your local library!"