Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!