Worlds' Finest #29

I'm trying to think up a caption for this cover but I can't stop eating banana pudding.

This must be the easiest gig of Paul Levitz entire life! Rehash the Batman and Superman origin stories in a way that doesn't mess up current continuity. Although it's the secret origin of the Earth-2 Batman and Superman, so who cares. They're less important in The New 52 since they weren't the historical, Golden Age versions that established the entire genre of the super hero story. And they're far, far less interesting than this banana pudding is delicious.

My job at Christmas Dinner tonight was to peel potatoes and then to finish seasoning the potatoes once they were mashed and nearly ready to go. After that, I shaped them into Devil's Tower and served them. There were some people at the table that didn't know what Devil's Tower was. I no longer speak to them. Because they're dead. I killed them.

I really can't put this pudding down! I keep setting down the bowl and reaching for the comic book but wind up with the pudding back in my hands! It might be cursed!

Okay! That's finished. Now I can concentrate!

Maybe I should wash the bowl out and get some water first! The comic book can wait!

This thug just can't believe how tightly that leather is clinging to Catwoman's anal sphincter.

Batman has chased Catwoman all the way to Metropolis to lecture her about engaging in criminal behavior. He doesn't think she should do it because he wants to have sex with her but doesn't think he should be having sex with a criminal. Technically, Batman is also a criminal so he really shouldn't care. But he only thinks Catwoman should break laws in the same way that he breaks the laws which is better. For some reason.

Superman was currently meeting Wonder Woman after he crashed on Paradise Island due to an exploding satellite which caused him pain "for the first time in his life." That's always a good way to explain to the reader that Superman is facing a threat equal to his powers. Usually he says something like, "That actually hurt!" or "Did you have to use three fingers?!"

Wonder Woman says, "Get the fuck out," and Superman says, "How high?"

Superman leaves Wonder Woman and the Amazons to play with their new toy from Apokolips and heads back to Metropolis where he finds Catwoman toying with Batman.

Superman just got showed up by a woman so the next one he meets, he treats like a child.

Batman and Catwoman flirt a little bit more before Catwoman heads back to Gotham with her jewels she retrieved from the terrorists. She also calls Batman "Mister Wayne," so I hope Lois Lane wasn't snooping around nearby!

The New God that wanted Superman as a baby and then as a child arrives to tell Superman he's been making poor choices. The only good choice is to team up with the New Gods. But he won't! Even if they kill him, he won't...well, actually, after they kill him, he does kind of team up with them. So I guess he'll team up with them over his dead body.

Why does the DC Universe have to have some overarching super villain hellbent on destroying everything? Did somebody tell the editors at DC that all of the monthly stories are more exciting if they have a framing story that's a battle for the fate of the universe? Before the New Gods happened along, it seemed like DC was going to make the Daemonites the world threat that everybody had to continually be on the look out against. But Helspont just couldn't cut the mustard and he was replaced by the looming threat of Apokolips. Although that story also needs a framing story because things always have to be able to get worse! And that's why the Anti-Monitor made an appearance at the end of Forever Evil!

All of these stories that have been erased from a character's mind are just as bad as the shitty "let's all save one future timeline" time travel stories.

Worlds' Finest #29 Rating: No change. Here's a suggestion! If you can't have a character remember a story you put them in, don't even bother writing the fucking story! Jesus fucked. Let the characters remember shit even if you have to listen to a thousand fanboygirls screaming, "Why didn't Superman remember that in Issue #13 when he did that thing to that person that he'd met when he was younger! Why didn't Superman say anything about the first encounter, hunh?! Hunh?! Answer me that or else I'm going to continue to scream and point out your errors like a total dickhead!"

Shut up. That last comment did not resemble me.

Harley Quinn Holiday Special #1

Harley's beaver is fucking wrecked.

My Christmas present to myself is that I'm not going to spend any time commenting on this book. I'll just scan some pictures of Harley looking adorable while murdering people to get us all in the holiday mood! Then it's off to spout invective at the Common-In-Laws!

Ha ha! She called her an ass-guzzling clown!

I hope my Christmas goes this well!

This is starting to sound like one of those Public Service Comic Books! Like when Power Pack was molested by Spider-man, or when Death talked about the dangers of fucking.

Oh my.

Yay! Merry Secular Christmas everybody! And have a Remain Staunchly In Denial Of Your Own Mortality New Year!

Justice League United #7

This cover almost lulled me into a false sense of excitement! "Look how awesome this team looks!" I thought as I clutched my throbbing member. "I can't wait to read the adventures of these heroes!" But then my stupid brain reminded me, just as I was achieving orgasm, how last issue ended with the arrival of Legion Lost. Bah! That's like, as a male, watching heterosexual porn and coming just as the camera chooses to show a close-up of the man's O-face. But I wanted a shot of the woman's booty hole at that moment! No wonder people say porn is dangerous! It's why I stick to still pictures or repeating, animated GIFs!

Remember that book "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"? I bet they didn't learn that thing about porn! I never read that book because it sucked. I mean, it probably sucked. Who wants to read a book written by somebody who left kindergarten thinking, "Whelp! That's it! Education over!" What I learned in Kindergarten was that if you're stubborn enough, the teacher leaves you to your own devices for the first four months until you finally come around and decide to participate with the other kids. I also learned that people should play "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button" far more often than they actually do. Seriously. Get a game of it going at your next New Year's Party. Sure, add drinking and removing clothing rules if you must. But the game really doesn't need any improvement! It's so fucking exciting!

This first panel is nearly an exact representation of that porn moment I mentioned! Ultra sure is fixated on the new universe's booty hole. I hope he doesn't reach his special moment just as Legion Lost appears.

When Legion Lost arrives, it's not the worst part of the page they explode onto. The worst part of that page is the part that reminds me this is only the third part of a five part story. Ugh! Can't they time travel right to the ending?!

I'm sure Lemire wrote this just to satisfy my love for when the comic book does all of the work for me.

Hey Wildfire, if you hate time travel things then stop working with the Legion of Super-heroes! Refuse to step inside one of Brainiac 5's Time Bubbles! Maybe quit comic books altogether because, holy fucking shit, do they rely on time travel an awful lot! Why am I even reading them?! Maybe because I love time travel stories? But I only like superbly thought out time travel stories like Primer or Time Crimes. And comic books rarely do decent time travel stories.

Byth and Black Mass escape with Ultra after Miiyahbin breaks Ultra's concentration on the rift in time and space. Now Byth has to start over by flying Ultra directly into the rift. Why doesn't Legion Lost time travel to the past, disable the ship Byth is going to use, and then return to the present to beat his ass as Byth pounds the dashboard trying to turn over the engine?

All humans look the same to Martian Manhunter.

Green Arrow points out that if they can't save the kid, will they be able to kill him in order to save the universe? And Stargirl is all, "Didn't you read Grayson #5, you dick? We keep walking." And Green Arrow rolls his eyes and goes, "Grayson? I could have been Grayson! But noooo! DC had to saddle me with writers like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti! Made me a fucking laughingstock! Because of them, my best fucking appearance for two years was when I shot an arrow into Amazo's ass!"

Animal Man and Timber Wolf sniff each other for some reason and then Justice Legion of Super-heroes Canada fly off to stop Byth! I think I'm supposed to be on pins and edges of seats right now. But what I'm really doing is counting how many pages are left before I can go get fucking drunk and scream at my family.

The Legion of Super-heroes have too many members, so as an added bonus to keep most of them distracted, the rift in time and space has vomited up thousands of wraith-like creatures that they must battle. So most of the team's energy is spent on keeping the space ghouls from landing on Rann and Thanagar. But the real battle will be waged against Byth for Ultra's mind. I'm sure a smaller, more manageable group will deal with that later. And maybe Hawkman will stop acting like such a douche and remember that he's a good guy. Or as good a guy as you can get when you're a gigantic conservative asshole.

Will somebody please distract him with some tax cuts for the wealthy?

Justice League United #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's always funny when writing a story with the Legion of Super-heroes to mention how they have so many fucking members in the group. "Ha ha!" one of the characters will say. "There are too many of you guys to remember!" they continue with a sly wink to the reader which says, "I am having the same problem you are having trying to remember them all. Ha ha!" But making a stupid joke about how many of them there are doesn't solve the problem with trying to tell a story with so many fucking characters flying around doing absolutely nothing. Look! A panel with Animal Man and Timber Wolf bonding! And there's Green Arrow getting Tellus's name wrong! And Stargirl and Dawnstar are all, "Hey! We share a word in our name! And it's super fucking surprising that the word isn't the 'girl' part of the name!" Meanwhile, Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter break off to stop Byth while all the other characters remain behind mopping up and taking an inordinate number of cigarette breaks. And all the while, Brainiac 5 keeps saying how he needs more time, preferably two more issues, to figure out how to close the rift. So everybody keep twiddling your thumbs until then! And by all means, don't let Hawkman somehow prevent Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Mon-el from getting to Byth's ship because that would be an embarrassment to end all embarrassments.

Batgirl #37

This is how happy I would be if Batman would hurry the fuck up and get dad out of jail.

Dear Diary,

Guess who got laid?! Probably everybody but me! Why won't any guys stick their ding dong inside of me? I'm hot! I'm young! I'm super duper cute! Okay, so maybe I've got a weird hobby that kind of keeps me from getting too attached to anybody. But who wants to be attached?! I'm just looking to attach myself to a guy in one icky sticky way, see? HUGE MANGA WINK! Anyswayze, when I did finally find a guy whose penis I tried to find out how many licks to get to the center of, my dad arrested him and his brother died and his mother made the best tamales so I put on like five pounds and was too embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of him. I totally didn't even care that he was missing a leg! That probably would have just made his penis look bigger, right?

I think I might have a chance with Jason Todd but that might seem a little weird, right Diary? Would you have sex with a zombie that was kind of like your brother? Maybe I should try out for the Teen Titans. I hear they pass each other around like a box of tissues. Spunk in one, toss it away, move on to the next one hanging out of the box with its legs spread wide. I hear they even have a cute gay guy on their team. What was his name? Bummer? Punker? Bunger? Something like that.

Anyway, Diary, I should probably tell you the fun and exciting and slightly transphobic things that happened to me this week!

So it all began with me getting in a fist fight with myself!

I just fucking designed this costume and this ho-bag went and copied it? Where'd she get the fucking pattern?! And the yellow boots! You know how long it took me to find these cute yellow Docs?!

Did I tell you I've been working with Qadir ever since he made me that grappling hook and I totally saved his super motorcycles?! He's kind of nerdy looking with the glasses and a bit of nerd mouth happening and he's a bit stinky cause he's just not overly concerned about his appearance but boy is he smart! He's all like, "I'm over here saving the world, tutt tutt tutt! I don't have time to roll on sports deodorant! Tutt tutt! Anybody up for a game of the Dungeons and Dragons later?" He does kind of give me a lady boner though. I bet he masturbates thinking about how our meetings might have turned out if he'd only try to kiss me and maybe touch my butt a little bit. Am I too intimidating?! I mean, you've seen my butt, right Diary? You'd want to touch it, right?!

Oh God I need the sex!

Qadir built me a whole new phone with a blinding flash because he's like my Q. Oh! His name even begins with a Q! What a strange coincidence! You can't make up stuff like that!

Anyswayze, later I got all slutted up and hit the Dagger Type art show with my best friends.

Even with Super Grump Face, Dinah makes us all look like a pair of panties worn straight through Leak Week. Sometimes I hate that fabulous looking bitch.

Okay, Diary, ready for the Twistcockian hitch? The art show was all huge, sexy pictures of me! Can you believe it?! I mean, they weren't as hot as if I had actually modeled for them. They were obviously that bloody rag that's been running around pretending to be me. And can you remind me why I'm still hanging out with Dinah?! She thought the whole thing was a great big hilarious joke! Eww! I wish she still owned some stuff so I could burn that stuff up too!

The worst part was the picture of Batgirl in a wheelchair. Remember how somebody knew who I was, Diary! This Dagger Type knew about my wheelchair days! Well, I was going to solve this mystery if I had to knock out Dinah's teeth to do it! Oh how I wanted to knock out Dinah's teeth! This was my third case since moving to Burnside (unless it was my fourth!) and it needed a name: The Mystery of the Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name!

Being the World's Greatest Detective That Isn't A Huge Asshole, I followed the clues which led straight to a book on American Sign Language. After reading it, I realized the photos were all signing things! At first, I thought they were saying, "I'm horny for a raccoon helicopter cookie." But then I turned the book over and realized the signs were telling me to meet somebody at the base of the Burnside Bridge! The showdown was eminent! I mean imminent! Is that what I mean? One of those!

This case had a mini-case tucked into the maxi-case: The Mystery of Dinah Being a Huge Cunty McCunt Cunt.

How was I going to get Dinah to forgive me? Was I going to have to take out a loan from The Bank of Bruce Wayne so I could buy Dinah another Dojo?! Except Hush had recently wiped out Batman's bank account, so I guess I needed to find a new rich mentor. What about Booster Gold? He sounds rich! And what happened to that Green Team? Holy cocks! I should have joined that team! MONEY MONEY BO BUNNY FANANA BANA MO MO MO MONEY!

Anyswayze, Fake Batgirl finally showed up in a solid gold uniform that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit and also pee my pants a little bit too. Since I'm not dead and I'm right here writing in you, Diary, you probably already figured out who beat up who, right? Well, kind of, anyway. I unmasked Fake Me and it turned out to be Dagger Type! The Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name! The title of the mystery gave it all away! But I lost Dagger Type when I had to dodge a bullet and take a dive into Gotham Bay. Luckily I knew where Dagger Type would be showing up later that night! Dagger Type was going to reveal the identity of Batgirl! Oh no! Are you as super nervous as I was then, Diary?!

Don't worry. It was just Dagger Type doing some weird art thing that nobody understood. The audience failed to be impressed so Dagger Type tried to kill us all. Good thing my Q set me up with just the right gadget to take down Dagger Type! Isn't that the way all of those double-O seven movies work?

I think Dagger Type's big mistake was losing the red hair in the reveal. And possibly the boobs. And, really, Dagger Type's ass couldn't compare to mine, so nobody in the room was impressed with Dagger Type's sagging ass cheeks! Plus nobody goes in for that overly pretentious art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art crap anymore. The cops came and took Dagger Type away but not before I found out Dagger Type had a patron that asked for the wheelchair photo! Which means the person who knows my identity is still out there! GASP! SHOCKER! WHATTA TWIST!

I don't want to neglect to tell you about my other huge lady boner that night! Somebody call 911 because my basement just flooded! HUGE MANGA WINK!

Oy vey! My dad would kill me if I brought home a cop! Although who needs to bring him home, right, Diary? He probably wouldn't mind being used by a young woman out looking to get this huge elephant in the room out of her pants! But then again, his name is Liam. I don't think I could moan "LIAM" without cracking myself up.

I ended the night tonight with Dinah taking my picture atop the Burnside Bridge because I've gotta take control of how the neighborhood sees me. I can't let them think I'm some wild, crazy, thieving, murdering asshole. Also, I don't want them to think that I'm a prude! I want to be approachable! I want to give off a vibe that says, "I'm single and ready to pork your brains out, Gotham!"

Batgirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still adorable. Although I think the Dinah feud can wrap up any time now. Babs was right last commentary when she wanted to call Black Canary "Petty Canary." Holy fuck she's being mean to Babs! Just drop it already! Or go move in with Condor and leave Babs alone.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

Green Lantern Corps #37

This picture was taken just seconds before John Stewart made the hardest decision in his life (again!) and got them all killed.

I never tire of pointing out how poor John Stewart has the blood of many people (mostly friends!) on his hands. Maybe as a Christmas present to John, I'll stop harping on it. That's mostly Preboot history anyway! Except it's not really since he murdered that one guy early in this series and obviously Yrra is still upset that he destroyed her home planet and he had that one flashback where he had to snipe a planet or something. I forget. I think that's pretty accurate though.

Last issue everybody in the Lantern universe except Simon Baz and Guy Gardner and Larfleeze had been imprisoned or killed by The New Gods. Everybody! Stop pointing out other people who had yet to be captured. They were captured between issues. So now John Stewart can't use his Power of Love ring to free them because nobody is left for him to stalk. I guess he kind of loves Guy Gardner but only in that way that you love that one friend who is an asshole but you know that if he ever gets jumped at the club by ten other guys, you wouldn't jump in to help him out because you know he fucking deserves the beating. So I don't think the ring processes that as true love even though every guy in the world knows that kind of love. But the Star Sapphire ring doesn't quite understand guy love being that this is the first time a Violet Ring has ever been on a male finger.

Indigo-1 has betrayed the other Lanterns, so the Indigo Lanterns have avoided capture. Highfather returns the ring he stole from one of her allies and allows her to leave. Is Highfather a naive idiot? Doesn't he remember that arrogance cometh before cleanliness? Just because he's the most powerful guy in the multiverse (next to Darkseid. And the Anti-Monitor. And possibly Batman), he thinks the Indigo Lanterns are going to throw out their loyalty to the other Corps and side with him? What an asshole. He deserves to get his ass beat by Darkseid on an eternal basis.

Duh! He already knows you captured them! He prevented you from killing them, you idiot!

I guess Van Jensen and Charles Soule didn't compare scripts during Godhead Book II. Marvel probably prevented Soule from talking to any of DC's writers while he finished up his work with DC so that they wouldn't steal any of Charles Soule's ideas that he's going to bring over to Marvel so Marvel can earn millions of dollars with them. Especially if Soule comes up with a character that would be perfect for a summer blockbuster movie!

Orion is currently battling Black Hand and Hal Jordan at the Source Wall. So I guess I forgot about those guys still being free. Also Kyle and Carol are also free even though they had been captured so I was technically right there. Also Guy and Simon were captured which I had forgotten so I was technically wrong there. I think all of my misinformation was a wash though! I said everybody but three Lanterns had been imprisoned or killed and everybody but three Lanterns had been imprisoned or killed! Just, you know, two of them have escaped since then.

The Prison Planet arrives at New Genesis and begins dumping its prisoners in front of Highfather so he can give them a false choice to join him or to be forced to join him.

Yeah. These two choose to be forced to join.

As Highfather blows his rod's load to White Light up Sinestro and Stewart, Malhedron jumps in front of them and takes the blast. Good old Earth emotions have finally convinced him that Highfather is as bad as Darkseid! It's the biggest surprise twist since that other one that everybody already guessed. I think it was the one where Captain Atom was Monarch so DC had to come up with a bigger twist that made no sense and allow Hank Hall to be Monarch.

You made the ultimate mistake of a leader, Highfather. You have to allow your subjects the illusion of choice. It's why democracies work so well because everybody feels they're changing things by participating, even if it's in a rigged system. You also must allow freedom of speech as a venting system to quell rebellion before it can ever become an issue, no matter how much you disagree with the things being said.

Malhedron BOOM Tubes Stewart, Sinestro, and Saint Walker away to a secret hiding place so they can come up with a plan. Malhedron's plan is to run as far away from Highfather as possible. John's plan is to make God seem nicer than he is by telling lies.

Wrong. God did not promise to never curse humanity again.

According to the King James Bible, this was how it all went down:

"And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 'And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.'"

See? God only promises not to kill everybody with a flood next time. As far as not cursing humanity ever again, well we know that's not true because in the very next section, Noah curses Ham's son Canaan and all his generations because Ham saw him drunk and naked. Now I don't think Noah had the power to make that kind of curse come true, so I'm going to go out on a pretty strong limb and say that God listened to Noah and thought, "Yeah, yeah. That totally makes sense. Curse Ham's kid and all of his future descendants because his father accidentally walked into your tent where you were lying naked in a pile of your own vomit and filth. That's just the kind of petty bullshit I love! Good one, Noah! Curse granted!"

Stewart convinces Malhedron to simply be their Transportation Engineer while they battle Highfather and he agrees.

If Highfather only knew what John meant by "greatest assassin." You know...of his own men! Oh shit. I just ruined my Christmas present to John. I guess it wouldn't be a real Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Christmas if I didn't ruin it for somebody.

John beats the crap out of Uggha and steals his hammer. Or mace. Whatever. Then Malhedron BOOM Tubes them back to their secret headquarters where they can plan more hit and run attacks on New Genesis. Hopefully Malhedron will add Simon and Guy to the team in Red Lanterns.

Green Lantern Corps #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. I realize they needed Malhedron's help to begin to fight back but it was sort of assumed from the beginning of this entire mess that they would need a New God on their team to battle other New Gods. I like that Malhedron has a more than reasonable excuse for changing sides, and I like that the seed was planted early on in Red Lanterns and built upon until now. But mostly, I really loved how John Stewart took charge and how he's threatened all of New Genesis with death and mayhem until the war is over. Even if he doesn't really plan on killing anybody.

Klarion #3

This comic book was cancelled almost as soon as it hit the shelves!

Perhaps somebody at DC will finally realize that Ann Nocenti's name on a comic book keeps people away from the comic book. She is terrible at writing comic books! Maybe she should write a comic strip. Man, I would love to partner with Ann Nocenti to do a weekly web comic. She would write it poorly and I would draw it poorly and it would be so fucking bad it would be the best thing on the internet. Except since that's what I'd be hoping for, Nocenti would probably knock the writing part out of the fucking park. Hell, I'd be just as happy with that! But then we'd have to find an actual artist or else my scribbles wouldn't do her work justice.

I'll read Klarion in a few minutes but first let's take a look at another book from my childhood from my shelf of old books.

Apparently I thought the cover would look much better if Daphne were stamped all over it. Such an artist!

That font really looks like it's photoshopped onto the cover but I assure you that's the real title of this book.

This one is so good that my poorly written, barely legible name in little kid printing has been crossed out and my sister wrote her name underneath it. What a jerk!

"You know where to stick that Jizzle, Bamm-Bamm!"

The witch looks like Mr. Slate in drag.

Why would a couple of babies know where to get jizzle in Bedrock?

Everything works out in the end and, with the help of two babies, the witch manages to get jizzle all over the place.

I think my mom was trying to acclimate me to feel comfortable around perverts.

Okay, I guess I'm ready to read Klarion now. But I'm sure it's going to be a huge disappointment after the jizzle book.

Last issue ended with Klarion kissing Zell and Rasputin meeting his new girlfriend, the Buddybot. This issue begins with everything exploding due to the kiss. I guess. While Zell and Klarion are being blown through the air, Zell says, "Klarion! Don't look at me like that!" How is he supposed to look at you when you just tried to auto-erotic asphyxiate him with your hair while you kissed? And then blew up?

Maybe Teekl blew up because Teekl was jealous?

Afterwards, Klarion and Zell engage in a typical Nocenti dialogue full of changes of subject and non sequitors.

Maybe Ann Nocenti suffers from some kind of perception disorder which causes time to jump forward for her in the middle of conversations. Maybe all of her conversations are like this and she thinks it's normal.

Klarion notices a hole in the wall and looks into it. He sees Rasputin and his new fuck buddy, Buddybot, fucking.

That's not what the uncanny valley is, you stupid robot. Who programmed you?

Klarion barges in and Contessa begins face fucking Klarion. Goddammit! Now Rasputin is going to be jealous of Klarion and Contessa as well as Klarion and Zell! Stupid Buddybot! You didn't emerge out of Klarion's butthole so you shouldn't be engaging in benefits with him.

Contessa turns into a woman while Zell parcels out some Ann Nocenti Fun Facts about a replicated hamburger. Now that Contessa is beginning to look like a human robot, she's getting closer to the uncanny valley! Stupid Contessa! Be smarter!

A pod of taco trucks. Evolution. Waffle windows.

What the fuck are they talking about?

Piper the Magic Landlady gives the kids a lesson about bees. She points out how alone they bumble but are powerful together. Yeah, but they're bees. People aren't bees! But she tells the kids to act like a herd of bees and stay together so they don't get picked off while alone. But, as the Neapolitan Club guys pointed out, a swarm of gazelle still lose individual members to lions. So even in a swarm, or, um, a herd, one of the kids could get picked off! Like Rasputin got picked off already! I think this lesson is too late.

Ann Nocenti should have a toll free number that readers can call so she can just fucking explain what she's trying to say in this stupid comic book. I think she's trying to tell me that swarms are good and bad!

Klarion failed to keep all the kids with cell phones at the club from taking video of Rasp floating in the air. Oh, also, they got footage of his blue horned butt trying to get Rasp out of the air before they could film it. And now the footage has fallen into the hands of a covert agent named Agent Moody!

Well, I guess Klarion's a vampire! She deduced it with impeccable logic!

Meanwhile at Beelzebub's Barber shop, Beelzebub shaves a guy as the guy tells a crappy story and some guy in a muscle shirt masturbates on the back of his head.

I bet Ann Nocenti actually used that shelf story on some guy she was dating.

Klarion and Zell head out to meet Beelzebub at some robot art show. Zell reminds Klarion that Piper said not to go out alone and Klarion doesn't ask Zell if she knows what the definition of alone is. Then Zell points out that Beelzebub's card smells and is covered in flies. Gross. And Klarion had that thing in his pocket?

When the fuck is Teekl going to appear. What a waste, Ann Nocenti! I'm going to write an article called Kittens in Refrigerators.

At the robot art show, Klarion and Zell learn that Buddybots can cure autism! Stupid Buddybots. Autistics don't need to be cured! They're absolutely fine with themselves and their worlds. It's the fucking parents that need to be taught that their child isn't broken just because their child isn't giving them the endless, unconditional love they so desperately crave. The kid isn't "missing out" on your normie experience. Heck, they may even process the world too quickly or too slowly so nothing outside of their mind makes much sense. But then I guess a Buddybot would be perfect! I'm all turned around on the Buddybot now since it can probably adjust the speed in which it speaks so that the autistic kid can interact with it. Plus maybe he can get laid!

Klarion starts a fight with Coal but Coal takes off before Agent Moody and her Witchhunters arrive. Beelzebub also arrives to help Klarion escape in his muscle car. But for some reason, Zell gets upset that Klarion might ditch her. Why? Just get in the fucking car with Klarion. It's a fucking boat! There's plenty of room! Unless the dramatic tension and contrived plot are taking up all the extra space inside.

Klarion #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The scripting makes this thing hard enough to understand but then the layouts tend to swirl across two pages and spiral back again and I have no idea what's going on. I think technology and magic are battling or something. Plus kids are being kids and stuff. And they're fucking robots. Since this has been canceled, am I allowed to stop reading it?