Klarion #6

Please let this be how the series ends.

My favorite thing about Twitter is how a funny person will tweet something funny and then one hundred unfunny people will reply to it with "jokes" of their own, and usually half of those "jokes" are just rehashing the original joke. It's like some people hear a joke and think, "Oh! I wonder if the person who told that joke knows how funny it is! I'd better repeat it but in a different and less subtle way! LOL!" Seriously, I love the internet because everybody can shout into it and, golly gee, isn't that a good time. But 99% of you assholes are superfluous. Me? I'm part of the 1%! Suck it, 99 Percenters!

I love being confident!

No wait! I love pretending to be confident!

No wait! I hate crying into my pillow every night!

Now that I'm done with my rambling introduction, this is the part where I'd normally give a synopsis of the previous Klarion issues. But since I didn't understand any of them at all, an update like that would be useless and, most probably, really fucking mean. And I'm not here to bash Ann Nocenti!

Good thing you can't see my face when I type because I couldn't not smile while typing the last sentence of that last paragraph! I'm actually here to bash her a lot!

Since when did Klarion decide to represent Nature in this battle? Did Ann Nocenti suddenly realize that she should probably mention nature at some point since her theme was technology versus nature?

"Game over!" "Game on!" Oh, oh! It's all so cute and clever that my butt hurts again! Thanks a lot, Ann!

Klarion and Coal are having a big battle now for some reason. Were they ever at odds before this? Why does Klarion even care? Why is anybody buying this comic book? I guess the colors are pretty. Good job, Guy Major! You're a colorist like Gabe Eltaeb and Jeromy Cox! You guys color things and make them pretty! Oh so pretty! Might I make a suggestion? Can you somehow cover up the word balloons with lots of pretty black ink the next time you color an Ann Nocenti book? No? Because the lettering gets added at a different time? Well then fuck you. You're useless. I'm just going to go buy a black Sharpie.

It's Teekl along with some words that that asshole Guy Major didn't color over. Good for nothing colorist.

How did it all start with Teekl? Because Noah stole some of its fur or something for a dinner recipe? And why would Klarion need to banish his own past? And can we just forget about the Buddybots! Unless they're meant to represent masturbation! If this comic book has been about people losing themselves in masturbation all of this time and I missed it, I'll never let myself live it down.

Oh my god it is about masturbation! I'm such a fucking idiot!

I made a joke last issue about the buddybots being masturbatory fantasies come to life since they emerge from the palm of a person's hand but I didn't think this entire run might have been entirely about masturbation. But now I'm starting to see it! Klarion was punished back in his home world because he wasn't using his hands properly! So he runs off with the devil to a less puritanical world where masturbation is practiced by everybody except liars! There he finds a group of witches who think masturbation by hand is the best way and a group of witches who think using mechanical, high-tech toys is better! And these buddybots are the perfect companion for the person whose palm they come out of which is obviously an argument about how masturbation cuts you off from other relationships. Which is why Buddybots are perfect because they're just extensions of you that help you get off but they have no agency of their own so you don't have to worry about their desires, needs, or feelings!

I might have to apologize to Ann Nocenti! She's a genius!

See?!

Klarion's buddybot, Klarwitch, goes on to ask Klarion to teach her and not hit her. She just doesn't understand jerking off yet because she's young. But Klarion teaches her to hold her hands like he holds his and then he shoots a massive ray of jizz into Coal's face. There should be a professional masturbation battle federation. Two men enter, one man remains covered in semen. I don't know how the female version of the sport would work since who can fucking tell who won and who fake won?

Klarwitch crashes to the ground and breaks so that Piper can have a conversation with Klarion about touching himself. I don't know where Rasp and Zell wandered off to since they were in this room with the buddybots just two pages ago.

Geez, Piper! He's being metaphorical! The snake represents his penis!

I think Ann Nocenti threw in that above panel so she could justify all of the times one of her characters spouted erroneous information in previous series. "See? I know better! It's just I write characters that continues to believe silly nonsense! You didn't think I actually believed that crocodiles love rotting meat or that cats can't swim? Pshaw! So crazy!"

That part where Piper and Noah were talking about how Klarion needs to banish his past that came up out of nowhere becomes a topic of conversation. And if you really want to know what it's about, you're going to need to do some serious digging in your local comic book stores back issue bins.

I think this that issue of Kirby's The Demon can be found at Billy Galaxy's on Powell Boulevard in Portland, Oregon. But it's super expensive there so I wouldn't recommend purchasing it at that location.

Gargora appears just as Noah and Piper are helping Klarion craft a spell to bring Teekl back to life. Sure! Just as the series is ending, the best character in the book is going to finally make an appearance.

I'm completely lost right now. I wonder if all the assholes that raved about this comic book are still pretending it's a magnificent triumph? I bet they're all blaming its incomprehensibility on editorial interference and the cancellation of the book. Because who would want to blame the introduction of a character and plot point that has somehow become the focal point of the entire series on the writer of the series?

I hope Teekl comes back to life, glances over at Klarion with his detached penis Klarwitch, licks her butt, and says, "Fuck this shit." Then she goes off to star in her own comic book written by anybody else*.

*Not Scott Lobdell.

Something happens and the witches win or something. I'm not sure who they beat. Or why. Or what the point of it all was. But I guess everybody is happy now?

Klarion #6 Rating: -10 Ranking. As you can tell, I stopped trying to figure out what was going on during the last battle. I suppose if I wanted to do more work than just handing over my $2.99, I could make sense of the story. But it would all be my own assumptions and guesses because the story is nonsense. Hopefully this is the last Ann Nocenti book I ever have to read because it stopped being fun about ten Nocenti Catwoman issues ago. She truly is an awful writer.

Klarion #5

Ooh! This issue looks promising!

I just found out today about mortality! Did anybody mention this to you guys? How come only Tumblr is talking about this?! It's so important! We're all, like, going to die one day! Think about it! It's like one minute we're here and then eighty years later, not here! What the fuck?! How come nobody's mentioned this to me before? Why isn't the media reporting on this?! It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you leave out. I would begin every newscast with incomprehensible screaming and blubbering followed by an in-depth consumer report about how to keep death from happening. If I'd known about this whole mortality bullshit, I wouldn't have wasted the first half of my life! How does one start this thing over?!

I mean, I'm not totally stupid and naive. I knew other people died! Heck, I've even killed some of them (don't worry! They were assholes and misgenderers). But me?! That's crazy! Me? Not existing?! How does that even work? I'm the center of the universe? If the center falls out, it all collapses in on itself! I'm sorry to inform you all that one day I will die and that'll be it for all of you. Poof! Out like a candle! Just like that fat guy with the fat brother once said.

Maybe nobody told me because look at how terrified I was right from the beginning. Also, I apparently was born wearing gloves made out of human skin. I guess I should have had a twin?

Now that I've learned the most important truth there is, I think I need to turn over several new leafs. I should probably stop being mean to other human beings just because they are terrible at writing and I keep wasting $2.99 every month buying their comic books. I mean, that's on me. That's my fault. So, Ann Nocenti, I'm sorry for treating you like garbage. From now on, you will get nothing but respect from me. That doesn't mean I'm going to be kind to your writing, of course. But I won't say things like, "If I had a time machine and a shrink ray and a pistol with only one bullet and some scuba gear, I'd go back in time and assassinate Ann Nocenti's father's fastest sperm on the day she was conceived." I will try to be encouraging! I will say things like, "Come on, Ann Nocenti! I know you can write dialogue that's coherent. That can be understood. That makes sense!" Or maybe, "Ann, you write like Shakespeare. Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Trite. Predictable. Full of cliches." Or even, "Go Ann Nocenti! You're burning up the quarter mile! Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! You're postal from the hip hop child! Ann Nocenti! Go Ann Nocenti! You are supreme! The dicks will scream! For Ann Nocenti! Go GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!"

This comic book starts off completely awesome if you're illiterate!

I hope Ann Nocenti looked up the definition of "uncanny valley" since last issue. Not that it matters. She can write whatever she wants to write! This is a work of fiction. Even if its untrue that crocodiles love rotten meat, Katana is still free to say that because Katana is a character that believes things that may sometimes not be true. It's not like Ann Nocenti actually believes that nonsense. Or one of her characters might say that cats can't swim. Perfectly reasonable for a character to think that even if it's false. It's not like Ann Nocenti, an experienced, wise, world traveler, would actually believe that nonsense. So when the characters in Klarion misunderstand what the uncanny valley is, it's just part of their characterization. They're just dullards that don't know how to crack open a dictionary (or type the word "dictionary" into a search engine). And Rasp really is kind of dumb as you can see from the above conversation between Klarion and big, fat, chubby Zell. Rasp will put anything in his mouth!

Before Klarion can pop the Future Swag Buddybot into his face, he asks Swag if it's magic. He already knows it's future tech! The only reason he asks that is so Ann Nocenti can have Swag say, "Magic is nothing but a future we haven't met yet." Yay! So when I feel like I have to poop, is that my body casting a poop spell that will conjure poop in the future? I knew there was an explanation for why we poop!

After Zell was warning Klarion about eating a strange, future Buddybot, she tells him to not be scared when he hesitates. That girl sure does like to send mixed messages! Firs she's all, "I'm going to kill you with my hair!" and then she's all, "No wait, kiss me, you man!" Now she's all, "Don't eat that gross thing!" and then she's all, "You're scared to eat it, you chickenshit bastard fuckhole!" Then she's all, "I love to eat! Tee hee! That's why I'm so disgustingly out of shape! Boo hoo!"

Trevor McCarthy does know he's drawing Zell super hot and skinny, right? Even though his character designs looked exactly the same way and yet she was labeled as "chubby"? Does Trevor McCarthy not know what "chubby" means? Maybe he and Ann should split the cost of a dictionary.

After some wacky goings on in which Ann Nocenti is able to say something the same way but differently three times at least twice, everybody is expelled from Klarion's Every Kiss Begins With K-Verse. And they all lived happily ever after. Unless you all really want me to read the last thirteen pages. It's just going to be more of the same! Pretty pictures with lots of purple and blue colors surrounded by a bunch of words that make the pictures less interesting. Sigh. I guess I've come this far. I'll keep trudging along.

"Ann Nocenti, you're doing great! Keep up the good work! Love what you're doing with Klarion! Greased Lightning!"

Meanwhile at The Neapolitan Club, Rasp is getting his junk all up inside the Uncanny Valley.

Rasp: "Eww! Eww! You're so fucking hideously freaky, Contessa!"
Contessa: "Wouldn't having three nipples be fun?"
Rasp: "I'm so put off by your near human but not quite human looks!"
Contessa: "Let us exchange junk so that we can feel each others orgasms."
Rasp: "Don't look at me while I fuck you because you're freaking me out!"
Contessa: "Inna future, wes does not needs any secrets acause we all share da same infomations! We just fink, 'I wanna tell dat knocks knocks joke' and da pooter download da knock knock jokes right inta our brains and we's all laughs and laughs!"
Rasp: "Did I just put my dick in your vagina or did you just put my dick in your vagina?"

I think it's more like masturbation than incest. She's just an extension of the palm of his hand, after all.

Coal (the bad guy. I think?) gets a couple pages of back story. Apparently he walked in on his father just as his dad was about to blow his own brains out because some people stole his patents. The bullet blew off his father's hair and a piece of his skull which lodged into Coal's heart. I think this is some kind of metaphor for Coal's daddy issues. His father's failures weigh heavy on Coal's heart or something. I don't really care because the entire conflict of this comic book makes no sense. Klarion is only in the middle of it all because his name is on the cover. Also, I guess he's super powerful at magic (which is just the future that hasn't become the present yet, remember!).

I think Zell and Klarion are in a romantic entanglement as well? The only thing I'm sure of is that Teekl should be the costar and she's been nothing but a whiff of a monster in the K-Zone.

"Let's go live now to Rachael O'Rachael live on the streets talking a man who fears new technology. 'Sir? What do you have to say about the onslaught of technology on your life?' 'Get off my lawn!' 'You heard it hear first!' Now let's go to Simon O'Simon who has found a member of the embrace technology crowd! Simon? 'So, how do you feel about Luddites?' 'Fuck old people! What the fuck is a Luddite?' Ha ha! Good interview, Simon! Perhaps we should 'Google that for her,' right?"

My fake conversation isn't nearly as bad as the actual conversation that continues on the radio broadcast. One thing I know I'll never be any good at: faking Ann Nocenti dialogue. Here's a good moment from the radio debate: "Robots have rights. Just like sentient beings." "Really, Chuck? Even if we're scared of them?" That's hard hitting journalism right there! Apparently fear negates intelligence! I mean, I knew fear within an intelligent person negated their own intelligence. Happens all the time. Just look at the war on terror. But I didn't know that fear of somebody else negated the feared person's intelligence! I'm going to try that sometime.

Sometimes we get sad glimpses into Ann Nocenti's real life like this panel here. Friends hate all of their friends a little bit? Does that make me her friend?

Klarion's Future Swag Buddybot is birthed from his palm and he instantly abandons it to Zell because it's a girl. Plus it's a burden. Also it's no fun and needy and gross and a baby. On the news in the background where the mandatory television set showing news always appears in every comic book panel ever printed, a tornado warning is given for the surrounding area. But Klarion realizes it isn't a tornado at all! It's Coal's Buddybots flying off the shelves!

Klarion abandons his baby and Zell and heads off to battle Coal for some reason. I don't know why he's battling Coal. What does he have against Coal and the Neapolitan Club? Anyway, Klarion claims, for the first time ever, that his magic is from nature so it's going to destroy Coal's techno-magic. Although Klarion's entire motivation for the last two issues was to gain as much techno-magic as possible to kick all the asses forever. I guess once he had his Techno-Baby, he changed his mind. What a dick.

Klarion #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book really doesn't make any fucking sense. Ann Nocenti may have ideas she wants to write about, to debate, and to discuss, but she doesn't know how to form them into a coherent piece of fiction. Her characters are just things which speech bubbles come out of and whatever is in the speech bubble generally has no relation to the character at whom the speech bubble is pointing. I think she'd be better off just writing an essay on technology versus nature rather than trying to force whatever points she's trying to bring up into an entertaining comic book. She's proven four times now that she just can't do it with any skill at all. Perhaps earlier in her career, she did some good work at Marvel. I don't know. I've never read it. But so far in The New 52, I just don't think her return to comics has been very successful. But there are some reviewers elsewhere on the internet who do, so what do I know (besides knowing that those other reviewers have no dignity, sense, or intelligence)?

Klarion #4

Even upside down, his pants won't stay up!

Everybody else is doing it, so why shouldn't I? May I now present to you Famous Comic Strips With Ann Nocenti Dialogue! Umm, not that everybody is doing that! But you know, for years, people have been doing things like Nietzsche Family Circus and This Charming Charlie and, in a somewhat different manner but in a way exactly like the other two, Garfield Minus Garfield. For what it's worth, I think Garfield Minus Garfield catches the absurd condition of the existentialist life better than the other two. The Smiths mixed with The Peanuts is too spot on because Charlie Brown already was Morissey. And you can stick anything underneath a Family Circus cartoon and it'll improve it. As Seth Bullock points out in Go, Family Circus just sits there at the bottom of the page waiting to suck.

Okay, that's enough of that! This is why those "take one creation and mash it with another creation but never add anything new to the thing" things never work for me. Because you read the first one and think, "Oh, I get it," and then you don't need to see hundreds of variations on the same idea. I got it! Ha ha! That was funny pairing Nietzsche with the Family Circus. But you know what would be funnier? If I could do it again and again and again!

Plus, I don't think I could read anymore fucking Lockhorn strips. Here is a synopsis of every Lockhorn strip every: one spouse judges the other. Reader thinks, "Holy fucking Christ, why are these two still married?!" That comic is so bad! It was making Ann Nocenti seem like that one writer who wrote really well and was loved by all the critics.

Here's the story in Klarion #4 right up until I almost opened my veins due to reading Lockhorn comic strips: Klarion ditched Zell when they were attacked by Witchhunters. He took off in Beelzebub's muscle car which can open holes in reality. Zell and her new friend, Medusa the Robot Dog, fall into the hole created by the car and everybody escapes the Witchhunters except for one of The Neapolitan Club's Robot Cockroaches.

The characters find themselves in Klarion's Pocket which is the Klarionzone which is also the Klarvoyance which is all the Klarvergence which is also the K-Pocket because Ann Nocenti can never just say one thing and leave it alone. It's always, "I found a dog. A canine. A creature that often eats its own shit." Sometimes she even gets fancy where she says one thing and then follows it up with a few more until she's talking about the thing that she really wanted to talk about which actually has nothing to do with the first thing. It's like when you take a word like "sports" and change one letter at a time forming other words until you get to a completely new word that had nothing to do with the first one but the journey somehow links them together. "Sports::sporks::storks::stores::stones!" Here, let me give you an Ann Nocenti example:

Actually, this is even worse! "Familiars" has nothing to do with "albatrosses" but by stating one and then the other, she tries to fool the reader into believing that all the aspects of "an albatross around someone's neck" are equally valid when describing a familiar.

And then Ann Nocenti does something that nobody has been up in arms about at all! Probably because nobody reads this book. And even though I don't give a shit about policing people's words because only assholes that want to be bullies but feel self-righteous in their bullying do that, I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing so I'll point it out:

Nigget? That's a combination of "nigger" and "midget"! And DC allowed that!?

See, I don't mind this because it's a story and Beelzebub is a devil character who is the Lord of Flies. He wouldn't give two, maybe three shits about what anybody thought about the words he chooses to use. But he's also a character in a teen rated comic book put out by DC Comics who probably don't want everybody up in arms about their insensitivity. I mean, you wouldn't know that from their past history but I'm sure they don't want people calling them out on it! And now a character is calling a whole race of impish creatures "niggets"? I'm offended!

No, not really. But people who are offended by this kind of thing should be offended! So start being offended already! Racism! Dwarfism! Impism!

Anyway, Beez takes Klarion to meet a guy named Swag who...you guessed it...deals in swag! Future swag! From the future! He even has smooth lines to lure in the potential customers!

*KRRRRRAAAAACKKKK!* "Ugh! Ugh! What dat?!" "Dat God bowling! Ugh!" "Ugh! Ugh! What bowling?!" "Not know! God work mysterious ways! Ugh!"

This is probably one of the things I love most about Ann Nocenti's writing. She wants to include the idea of "god-of-the-gaps" where people shout "God!" to answer any question that can't be answered by the current limits of science. If we extrapolate, we should realize that the things we don't know now, we will most probably know in the future. This pushes God further and further out of the equation until there is simply no need for him. But in Ann Nocenti's typical fashion, her methods of introducing topics like this are ham-handed at best. It's like she's taken hours to prepare us a sumptuous meal and when she gets ready to serve it to us, she loads it up in a trebuchet and flings it into our faces.

Swag pressures Klarion into drinking a mysterious glass of alcohol and rape drugs as he answers Klarion's refusal of "I don't drink" with "Hard to do business with a man that don't drink. Oh, but you're just a kid." And after noting that he's giving the drink to a minor, he continues to pressure the minor into drinking. Which is what Klarion does because why not?! Sitting between two creepy grown ass men in a bar inside his Klarvection Oven isn't that weird!

And then big old fucking chubby Zell walks in! Seriously. This character was designed to be chubby. This is DC's idea of chubby. God, we're all so fucking fat!

Oh! I bet Teekl comes flying out of the rafters of Klarion's Klarvent to scratch the shit out of Medusa the Robot Dog that talks like an adorable child! And Teekl will be all, "Take it, bitch!" And Medusa the Robot Dog will be all, "Oh no, please do not do that to me because I would like to be your friend because your butt smells delicious."

Meanwhile, Piper and Noah fly around checking out the Buddybots that have become ubiquitous in New York City.

America has been trying to solve the "old folks die alone and lonely" problem for years!

The conversation between Piper and Noah just reads like Nocenti writing out a list of pros and cons for the Buddybots to be used in this scene. And then instead of deciding where each character stands on the issue, she just throws the pros and cons in dialogue boxes. Also, her pros and cons eventually break down until she forgets what she was writing about and begins listing the pros and cons of living with dogs. And then when she's written enough, she probably scribbles out, "And then they go to bed. End Scene."

Then there's a powerful one page scene where a Pink Elephant Buddybot stops a man from drinking himself to death. It's the most powerful anti-Buddybot piece I've ever read. Unless it was an anti-drinking piece? I don't know! Anyway, Samuel Beckett would have been proud to have written that one page!

Instead of going to bed, Noah and Piper (with help from Agent Lush Moody, Noah's daughter and Witchhunter) head into Klarion's Klarionzone (which just sounds like an eighties arcade) to save them from Beez and Swag.

"Oh Contessa! I love this feeling of revulsion you give me! If only I could be even more revolted by you!"

Maybe Ann Nocenti is a robot that looks and acts nearly like a human and makes everybody at Marvel and DC Comics unbearably uncomfortable. Then one day she heard some people talking about her and heard the term "uncanny valley." So she approached them and asked about it, so they lied to her and told her it was the awesome feeling she gives them whenever she's in the room and they're totally not even remotely disgusted by her ever!

Back in the Klarverse, Swag gives Klarion some free Buddybots from the future so that all of Klarion's friends will get hooked on them! Now Klarion just has to make some friends in the next two issues! But then Piper and Noah arrive to save everybody! I hope they don't forget to grab Teekl on the way out.

Ann Nocenti's synopsis of gender relations. Nails it! 'nuff said!

Apparently the only thing that can save Klarion is true love! But since Klarion made one mistake by ditching Zell, he's already ruined his chances for true love because women never forgive men ever! For anything! For centuries!

Klarion thinks up the only four possible ways the future can go and decides that eating a Future Buddybot is the best choice of his four possible futures. Then the last page might possibly show what happened after Klarion ate a Future Buddybot which summoned Teekl to be his new Buddybot? Maybe? But then Teekl's natural form looks like a Medusa which is just confusing since Zell's Buddybot is named Medusa. Perhaps the Medusa is Zell's Buddybot's natural form or something? I don't know. The last page doesn't really make any sense. Klarion threatens to kill Zell's dog and Zell says, "Whatever the fuck is happening on this last page, please don't!" Or something.

Please read the fucking definition before next issue, Ann.

Klarion #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. I've been way too kind on this title. It's just...and this should come as no surprise to anybody that's read any of Ann Nocenti's DC Comics work...awful. Pure shit. Garbage. Not the magical fairy fantasy that other comic book reviewing sites are saying it is. Lying to your face and making you think there is some kind of mad genius behind it all. There isn't. My favorite part was how awful the art got near the end of the book, as if the artist just finally said, "Fuck it! I can't do this anymore!" and walked off the job.

Klarion #3

This comic book was cancelled almost as soon as it hit the shelves!

Perhaps somebody at DC will finally realize that Ann Nocenti's name on a comic book keeps people away from the comic book. She is terrible at writing comic books! Maybe she should write a comic strip. Man, I would love to partner with Ann Nocenti to do a weekly web comic. She would write it poorly and I would draw it poorly and it would be so fucking bad it would be the best thing on the internet. Except since that's what I'd be hoping for, Nocenti would probably knock the writing part out of the fucking park. Hell, I'd be just as happy with that! But then we'd have to find an actual artist or else my scribbles wouldn't do her work justice.

I'll read Klarion in a few minutes but first let's take a look at another book from my childhood from my shelf of old books.

Apparently I thought the cover would look much better if Daphne were stamped all over it. Such an artist!

That font really looks like it's photoshopped onto the cover but I assure you that's the real title of this book.

This one is so good that my poorly written, barely legible name in little kid printing has been crossed out and my sister wrote her name underneath it. What a jerk!

"You know where to stick that Jizzle, Bamm-Bamm!"

The witch looks like Mr. Slate in drag.

Why would a couple of babies know where to get jizzle in Bedrock?

Everything works out in the end and, with the help of two babies, the witch manages to get jizzle all over the place.

I think my mom was trying to acclimate me to feel comfortable around perverts.

Okay, I guess I'm ready to read Klarion now. But I'm sure it's going to be a huge disappointment after the jizzle book.

Last issue ended with Klarion kissing Zell and Rasputin meeting his new girlfriend, the Buddybot. This issue begins with everything exploding due to the kiss. I guess. While Zell and Klarion are being blown through the air, Zell says, "Klarion! Don't look at me like that!" How is he supposed to look at you when you just tried to auto-erotic asphyxiate him with your hair while you kissed? And then blew up?

Maybe Teekl blew up because Teekl was jealous?

Afterwards, Klarion and Zell engage in a typical Nocenti dialogue full of changes of subject and non sequitors.

Maybe Ann Nocenti suffers from some kind of perception disorder which causes time to jump forward for her in the middle of conversations. Maybe all of her conversations are like this and she thinks it's normal.

Klarion notices a hole in the wall and looks into it. He sees Rasputin and his new fuck buddy, Buddybot, fucking.

That's not what the uncanny valley is, you stupid robot. Who programmed you?

Klarion barges in and Contessa begins face fucking Klarion. Goddammit! Now Rasputin is going to be jealous of Klarion and Contessa as well as Klarion and Zell! Stupid Buddybot! You didn't emerge out of Klarion's butthole so you shouldn't be engaging in benefits with him.

Contessa turns into a woman while Zell parcels out some Ann Nocenti Fun Facts about a replicated hamburger. Now that Contessa is beginning to look like a human robot, she's getting closer to the uncanny valley! Stupid Contessa! Be smarter!

A pod of taco trucks. Evolution. Waffle windows.

What the fuck are they talking about?

Piper the Magic Landlady gives the kids a lesson about bees. She points out how alone they bumble but are powerful together. Yeah, but they're bees. People aren't bees! But she tells the kids to act like a herd of bees and stay together so they don't get picked off while alone. But, as the Neapolitan Club guys pointed out, a swarm of gazelle still lose individual members to lions. So even in a swarm, or, um, a herd, one of the kids could get picked off! Like Rasputin got picked off already! I think this lesson is too late.

Ann Nocenti should have a toll free number that readers can call so she can just fucking explain what she's trying to say in this stupid comic book. I think she's trying to tell me that swarms are good and bad!

Klarion failed to keep all the kids with cell phones at the club from taking video of Rasp floating in the air. Oh, also, they got footage of his blue horned butt trying to get Rasp out of the air before they could film it. And now the footage has fallen into the hands of a covert agent named Agent Moody!

Well, I guess Klarion's a vampire! She deduced it with impeccable logic!

Meanwhile at Beelzebub's Barber shop, Beelzebub shaves a guy as the guy tells a crappy story and some guy in a muscle shirt masturbates on the back of his head.

I bet Ann Nocenti actually used that shelf story on some guy she was dating.

Klarion and Zell head out to meet Beelzebub at some robot art show. Zell reminds Klarion that Piper said not to go out alone and Klarion doesn't ask Zell if she knows what the definition of alone is. Then Zell points out that Beelzebub's card smells and is covered in flies. Gross. And Klarion had that thing in his pocket?

When the fuck is Teekl going to appear. What a waste, Ann Nocenti! I'm going to write an article called Kittens in Refrigerators.

At the robot art show, Klarion and Zell learn that Buddybots can cure autism! Stupid Buddybots. Autistics don't need to be cured! They're absolutely fine with themselves and their worlds. It's the fucking parents that need to be taught that their child isn't broken just because their child isn't giving them the endless, unconditional love they so desperately crave. The kid isn't "missing out" on your normie experience. Heck, they may even process the world too quickly or too slowly so nothing outside of their mind makes much sense. But then I guess a Buddybot would be perfect! I'm all turned around on the Buddybot now since it can probably adjust the speed in which it speaks so that the autistic kid can interact with it. Plus maybe he can get laid!

Klarion starts a fight with Coal but Coal takes off before Agent Moody and her Witchhunters arrive. Beelzebub also arrives to help Klarion escape in his muscle car. But for some reason, Zell gets upset that Klarion might ditch her. Why? Just get in the fucking car with Klarion. It's a fucking boat! There's plenty of room! Unless the dramatic tension and contrived plot are taking up all the extra space inside.

Klarion #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The scripting makes this thing hard enough to understand but then the layouts tend to swirl across two pages and spiral back again and I have no idea what's going on. I think technology and magic are battling or something. Plus kids are being kids and stuff. And they're fucking robots. Since this has been canceled, am I allowed to stop reading it?

Klarion #2

Does anybody else constantly hear far-off circus music when sitting alone in a completely quiet room?

Notice how this cover gives a handy key to learning Old Portugese [sic] by superimposing it's letters on top of the Latin letters? That scares me into believing that Ann Nocenti is going to be leaving secret messages in Old Portugese [sic] throughout her Klarion books. In other comics like Constantine, the messages in the magic language are usually nonsensical bullshit. But since Ann Nocenti's normal dialogue is nonsensical bullshit, what will happen to the magic chants?! Do I even dare to translate them? How long can I look, unblinking, into the abyss before I lose all semblance of my self? Maybe I'll get the neighbor kid to read them first. A young, healthy mind of a stupid kid probably has enough elasticity to survive pure, unfiltered Ann Nocenti dialogue. And if not, the worst that will happen is I won't have to hear him constantly jumping up and down on that Goddamned pogo stick! No wait. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll lose his mind and scream constantly, day and night! That shouldn't last long though before the parents send him away, right? I know parents have an innate ability to completely ignore their kids when they're being loud, obnoxious monsters, but they can't tune out their kid's continuous scream of pain and existential horror, right?

Since my mind might not survive reading this comic book intact, I want to confess something here that might help other people suffering like I have. In these modern times, it's tough to admit this because so many people adamantly feel opposite the way I do, and it's possible I'll be shunned and banished from modern cities by revealing this fact about myself. But here it goes. I like circus peanuts. Actually, I like the Easter version of the circus peanuts which are a pastel pink, purple, and yellow color and shaped like rabbits. Oh, I'll eat the orange peanut ones as well but I like the calming color and cute figures of the Easter versions better. I actually can't remember the last time I've eaten a circus peanut though because I'm too ashamed to be seen enjoying them. I might as well go into a beauty salon and ask for a mullet. Sometimes I feel hopeful that the circus peanut eaters of the world will be cut some slack when I see so many anti-shaming posts on Tumblr about nearly everything. And yet...and yet, it still seems to be acceptable to savage anybody that eats circus peanuts or wears a mullet. Remember, we will never all truly be equal until we regard other people's likes and dislikes with respect. So please stop treating me like a pariah because I enjoy circus peanuts, you retarded faggots.

Oh wait! That's why people treat me like a pariah! Because I still call people retarded faggots! Never mind. Y'all were correct to shun me. Move along.

For those without tender sensibilities (or those with super tender sensibilities who can't wait to become outraged by more shit I write) who are still reading, I'm going to explain the magic trick of the previous two paragraphs! See, I set up this long-winded defense of myself as a victim, trying to garner sympathy as I present my downtrodden position, so that right at the end, by using a couple of offensive slurs, I shock the readers into wondering how they could ever have been coming around to my side on the circus peanut issue, and thus probably make them hate circus peanuts (and the eaters of) even more. Now, everybody understands that part of the trick. They get that the lady in the box wasn't actually in both halves of the box after being sawed in half and separated. But most viewers won't catch the long con being played here. You see, now that I've used the phrase "retarded faggots" in a light-hearted, facetious way to mock myself and make myself look like a completely bigoted asshole for my own amusement (I'd say the reader's amusement but I'm sure no readers were amused by that), I can now use the phrase again in the future as a jokey callback to this moment! So I've given myself permission to use an offensive phrase as a running joke within my commentaries! Because I've always wanted to call everything a retarded faggot willy-nilly! I also, apparently, only want to be read by male high school athletes!

I sincerely apologize for offending anybody for using the R-slur and the F-word. No, the other F-word. You know, the one I just used! The horrible one that's also a British cigarette! Come on, you know! The one that isn't fuck! I just typed it like one paragraph ago! Anyway, I'd fix it if I could but what can I do? Blogger auto saves as I type! I can't delete it now! My hands are tied!

Hopefully everybody reading this is now in a proper mood to match mine while we read Klarion together! Is your stomach kind of messed up and you're not sure if what you've just read, by someone you thought you respected, should be seen as witty or anger-inducing or cruel or insightful? Well, embrace that confusion and join me on a journey into the grandest confusion of them all...a journey into Ann Nocenti's World!

I don't know Klarion. Tell me, why are you remembering this now?

Are Daddy Longlegs a spacefaring, dimension-hopping order of spider? How did Klarion and his friend encounter one back on Witchworld? Perhaps when Klarion says "Daddy Longlegs," it's just the nearest approximation in English of the creature he and his friend tortured. Although Klarion showed he knew a lot about Earth's history and culture in the last issue. Maybe Witchworld is just a dimension created by the witches of Salem as they sought to escape persecution. That makes sense since Klarion's original look was that of a Puritan.

This issue is called "Love Takes a Train" because I don't know why. Is that a movie reference? A song lyric? Does love often take trains? Is that a saying about love leaving a lover?

Whatever the case, I think we can see that Klarion has fallen into a love triangle quicker than any Young Adult Novel's protagonist in the history of young adult novels. Because what is a story about young people without any feels caused by relationship troubles?

So, Klarion, about that spider story? Are you going to finish it?

Rasp has tapped into some kind of reality crawling web spider thing that finds out data about the people all around him. So just by looking at somebody, he can see the websites they love to visit. If GoogleGlass ever cracks that technology, most of y'all are going to be fucked. Not me though! People will look at me and see that I visit sites about computer gaming history and old text adventures and Oglaf and sites about old school Dungeons and Dragons and Achewood and some comic book sites and, okay, well maybe that site about naked women bending over but who can blame me? You can see everything!

Rasputin is floating over the crowd but Zell doesn't want the crowd filming Rasp flying, so she tells Klarion to fly up there and drag him to the ground because that would look much cooler on film than Rasp just hovering there.

Is that the end of the story? I suppose telling that boring ass story was slightly better than Ann Nocenti typing in big bold letters, "KLARION HAS NO EMPATHY!" But not by much.

All the cool kids into Technomancy who love to visit the Neapolitan Club can't actually handle real magic and get scared, so they begin throwing rocks at Klarion and Rasp and Zell. I guess that's like how I spent many of my teenage years hoping to get laid but then was absolutely terrified when a woman first told me she wanted my penis inside of her. And like the magic kids, instead of embracing what I'd most hoped for, I, too, threw rocks.

To escape from the mob, Klarion casts a spell to hide their retreat. And just in case the readers were unsure if the spell worked or not, one of the Technomancy kids says, "Where'd they go?" It worked! Huzzah!

Meanwhile, the cook and the landlady hang out on the roof discussing the children.

Later, Klarion and Zell have Dark Arts Training. One of the things Piper the Landlady tells Zell is that she must deal with her internet footprint. Why? What does that have to do with anything? Is that part of magic? Hiding your recent Google searches? Making sure nobody finds out who you're stalking on Facebook? If the power of the Neapolitan Club comes from knowing your "shame," then shouldn't you be training the children to block off the parts of their mind that deal with guilt? I don't think what you look at on the internet constitutes your shame. Unless, I suppose, you're Ann Nocenti and you simply believe everybody is looking at penises and vaginas whenever they log on to the internet. And even if they are, where's the shame in that? The shame is in believing that feeling and being sexual is a bad thing. Or that feeling those things by yourself while looking at strangers is a negative way to deal with your sexuality. Maybe I'm not the person to ask! I never feel shame.

Although I have thought a few times about deleting that retarded faggot stuff from earlier. Is that shame nibbling away at my mind?! Get away from that, you shame mice!

Coal and Necrot, the Abbott and Costello of the Neapolitan Club, discuss their newest toy, The Buddybots! They're little spidery things that people swallow and then the spidery thing takes the person over. They're self-replicating and use material from the host to grow and change. So, you know, they're nanobots. But a little bit bigger because they aren't corporate nanobots! They're "indie!" They've got that "zine spirit!" They're full on "D.I.Y." They're also upcycling but Coal doesn't mention that! Turning used up teenaged kids into useful techno-zombie soldiers.

Wait. That thing is going to crawl out of Rasp's ass and become his girlfriend?

At one point, Necrot asks Coal what his motivations are. What is he trying to accomplish with this scheme? And Coal says, "I live in an old bank vault, Necrot. What do you think I want?" Um, a studio apartment, at the very least? Some IKEA furniture? How did that answer the question?! Later Coal clarifies that he wants everybody to be addicted to the technology he's creating. I don't know how that equals "I live in a bank vault."

We also find out that Coal has a splinter in his heart! Aww! That'sh why he'sh sho grumpy, poor guy. Klarion just needs to remove the splinter and he'll be grateful and happy and carefree!

During training, Klarion and Zell remember that they're the only young boy and girl in this comic (not counting that loser, Rasp), so they'd better get to the making out part.

"Hello. Put your dick in me, Big Guy."

If that Buddybot had come out of his penis and made a pass at him, I would have declared my unending love for this comic book. I suppose the Buddybot was confused about where it should come out since I'm sure Rasp's palm smells like Rasp's penis.

Klarion #2 Rating: I should probably find an article where Ann Nocenti describes what this book is about because her books are always much better when she talks about the concept than the script she eventually writes about that concept. I guess the bad guys are going to take over the world using technology and make a lot of money because technology is just like magic in that everybody is under its spell. And the magic people are going to prevent the technomancers from taking over by using good old fashioned natural dark magic which will set everybody free from the allure of their cell phones! Also, some teenaged boys will fight over one teenaged girl because God forbid Nocenti introduce more females to steal the spotlight away from Zell.

Klarion #1

Fuck.

This might be my secret origin. It was bad enough that I had to read Ann Nocenti while writing a character I never cared about, Green Arrow. When DC saw just how awful her Green Arrow stories were, they thought, "Gee! Maybe we can get Ann to ruin Catwoman as well!" And Catwoman fans spent the next two years learning how to shoot heroin because something had to dull the pain. Meanwhile, I sat by and laughed and laughed and poked fun at the horrible plots and crazy characterizations of other people's favorite comic book characters. I sat back and I pointed and I laughed and I pretended to feel sorry for Catwoman fans but I was having so much fun commenting on Ann Nocenti's strange turns of phrase and inexplicable characters that I never gave a thought to the ruin Nocenti was bringing down upon the Green Arrow and Catwoman fandoms. And then I heard Nocenti was going to be writing Katana. That's when I stopped laughing. Not Katana! She had finally extricated herself from that bowel movement that was Swierczynski's Birds of Prey and I was full of hope about her future! One of my favorite characters since I first began reading comic books was suddenly under attack! Maybe I shouldn't have laughed so hard at other people's misfortunes, I thought, uncharacteristically, to myself. Perhaps I should have empathized with their pain and took action to stop this insufferable writer from ruining everybody's good time! But I did not. And so I suffered as the others suffered. Thankfully, Ann Nocenti's Katana did not last long and she went back to exclusively destroying Catwo-man. It was sad but everybody was numb to that travesty by this time (thanks, in large part, to the heroin). And then good news! Catwoman was getting a new creative team! The internet shook with the sighs of the relieved. Rehab centers overflowed as Catwoman fans rushed to get off the dope so that they could experience the new Catwoman with their full ability to feel! Celebrations were celebrated! DC Comics was free of Ann Nocenti!

Except one person still needed to be punished. One supposed fan had sinned a sin greater than Judas Iscariot's! One DC Comics lover had sat back and laughed while Ann Nocenti worked her terrible black magic on other people's favorite characters. Comic book Jesus looked down and shook his majestic lion head and said, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Your sins are unforgivable. You shall be punished greatly." The next day, comic book news sites were reporting that Ann Nocenti would be taking over her next project: Klarion the Witchboy.

I was devastated. I was ripped asunder. Okay, okay. It wasn't like she was actually writing Etrigan which would have been just slightly worse. But Klarion?! And Teekl?! She'll probably turn Teekl into some kind of iPad! And if she's writing Klarion, doesn't that mean she'll eventually wind up bringing Etrigan into one of her plots? Was I going to have to endure rhyming dialogue by Ann Nocenti?! I ran to my comic book collection, tears of rage and sadness welling up in my eyes, and I hugged my collection of Klarion comic books.

I may or may not have ruined the value of this issue with untoward stains.

And so, my secret origin begins. I must take up a new name, disguise myself in a gaudy costume, and defend DC Comics from the most despicable evil to ever put pen to paper. I shall do what I've been doing! Only more so! I shall become Super Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, hero of fandoms! Or, at the very least, defender of my own fandoms. With sharp words and indefensible turns of phrase, I shall drive Nocenti from the stewardship of Klarion the Witchboy! She shall flee screaming into the night, my words haunting her dreams until she finally lies down and dreams no more.

I should apologize in advance to the fandom of the character that she winds up writing next. Please don't let it be Black Lightning or Metamorpho or Halo!

An infinity of choice but Klarion is really just considering a few places on Earth. Because it's super special, I'm sure. The only place in the multiverse where people feel love or something.

You know, it's possible I might like this comic book, right? All things are possible in comic book Jesus Christ! RAAWWWRRR!

Klarion thinks back to why he's on this cosmic magical road trip with a kitty cat in his bindle. Turns out he cast a spell on one of his magic teachers and then skipped out on Witchworld. The reason he blasted his teacher was because the teacher told him that if his fingers weren't in the proper positions when casting a spell, the spell could go horribly awry. And to teach Klarion a lesson, the teacher smashed Klarion's hands with a ruler, thus ensuring that Klarion will have no ability to keep his fingers in the correct positions. That teacher deserved to get disintegrated by Klarion.

Klarion hitches a ride to Earth by a demon that says, "Meh." So he's an asshole. He also drives a big American muscle car. So, you know, asshole. Not that American muscle cars don't look great! And they're fun to drive if you've ever wanted to drive a boat really quickly on dry land. Not quite as boatlike an experience as driving a big old Oldsmobile or Buick but more speed boaty! You bounce off speed bumps just like bouncing off the wake! Anyway, Klarion hitches a ride to Earth where he's going to live out his runaway dreams away from Witchworld which is a world full of phoneys! So he's a modern day Holden Caulfield. Probably. Maybe. I'm just projecting that onto him because I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing and I can't stand The Catcher in the Rye.

From this conversation, I can't tell which one was thinking the other one was going to blow him.

The "meh" demon introduces himself as Beelzebub the barber. He might not actually be a barber. He offers to shave Klarion because that's weird. He gives Klarion his card when Klarion tells him he doesn't shave and says, "You will."

This is all sexual tension, right?

Yep. Sexual tension. Vroom vroomity vroom vroom vroom!

Hey! Remember when Selina Kyle said somebody stank like burnt rubber? Maybe she was talking about her suit. It was something! I think Ann Nocenti has a neurological problem that causes her to continuously smell burning rubber.

Klarion saves some kid from being beaten up by two other kids. He remarks that his world was like that too. Big guys always beating up little guys. I can see Nocenti is tackling some huge issues here! Jerks should stop being jerks! At least Klarion knows how to scare off bullies!

I don't know what just happened there but it worked! Look at them run!

I guess turning blue and making something you're holding glow while staring up at a damsel in a tower is just about the scariest thing a couple of bullies can witness. Isn't this how the bullies were defeated in A Christmas Story?

The kid that just got his ass beat's main concern is that nobody saw him get his ass beat. But Klarion tells him that "just a cute girl in the window" saw and the guy is all, "Oh shit! Zell ain't never gonna touch my penis now!" Cause he knows that women only like penises that are attached to guys that can defend them. Or guys that at least excel in some superior fashion while they're watching. Maybe this guy is a master of falling into the fetal position and covering up his tender bits. She might have swooned over that.

The boy Klarion saved is named Rasp and he's a witch too. His big goal is to become stronger! And for his first feat of mystic strength, he's going to change up the playlist on the "heavy metal tech band" featuring the guys that just kicked his ass. Although he thinks the band is pretty good so he probably won't fuck with them too much. He might even let them finish the ass kicking later because they're the tops.

Rasp asks Klarion to move in with him at a place called The Moody Museum. Eww! That Moody Museum! Always stealing all the new recruits so that The Necropolitan Club doesn't have any fresh blood! Well, that's going to change because Necrot's buddy has a plan that can't fail!

Seriously, Necrot? That's the memory that's at the tip of your tongue and always on your mind? Fucking loser.

I guess the story is all set up now? Klarion has fallen into the middle of a witch rivalry between some old Gothic place full of magic witches versus a bunch of loser asshole technomancers that are trying to fill their ranks with even bigger losers? Why aren't they trying to recruit the kid that can turn blue and make street signs glow? Oh yeah. Because The Necropolitan Club is full of members that are limited by the humiliating moments in their lives.

Rasp also told Klarion he could crash at The Moody Museum in his room but I understand why Klarion wouldn't want to be associated with that failure.

So Klarion has now run away from the excitement of Witchworld and now has an apartment and a job as a chef on Earth. Oh god, this is so fucking exciting.

Teekl has died and been stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde. Whee.

So how else is he supposed to announce his presence when your back is to the door, you stupid cunt. Sorry! Sorry! I should really watch my language. I'm just really upset over Teekl.

Later Klarion learns, from his new landlord, that the first rule of magic is "don't hurt anyone. Not even a bird." Well why bother learning magic then? After learning this important lesson, he follows some hair up into Room 9 of the tower. Unless it's room 6! Or 69! Or 96! "96" is representative of two frat guys sharing a bed and mumbling "no homo" all night.

Meanwhile at the Neapolitan Club, plans are being laid to seduce more jerks.

He asked what she was ashamed of! Not what she was obsessed with! Besides, who isn't obsessed with ruin porn?

Rasp is named Rasp because he's related to Rasputin. He also has a hard time dying! He also eats anything given to him by strange assholes who brag about their illegal retinal implants when the discussion is about earphones. We were talking audio, douchebag! That's like somebody telling you stories about your cat and you deciding it was time to give them the length of your dick.

Klarion meets Zell and then discusses karma with her by pointing out it doesn't exist because Jesus Christ fed some people and then died. How does Klarion know so much about Jesus Christ? And American billionaires? And blues!? And gospel?! He must have majored in American Studies back on Witchworld. Zell is really cute though! And no way is she going to fall for Klarion when he answers "Black is slimming. Works for me" when she asks him what she should wear!

At the club, Rasp and Klarion get into a fight over Zell because she's obviously somebody's property. She can't be the reason for her own existence. And while they fight, Noah and Piper (the cook and the landlady!) discuss the probability that Klarion and Zell are going to be a couple because Klarion's name is on the cover of the comic book and Zell is the only female in the book of appropriate age. So it's, you know, inevitable!

Klarion #1 Rating: I hate it. It's stupid. And boring! And it's full of Ann Nocenti dialogue! I wished I'd been murdered in an alley before reading this.