Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

Green Lantern Corps #37

This picture was taken just seconds before John Stewart made the hardest decision in his life (again!) and got them all killed.

I never tire of pointing out how poor John Stewart has the blood of many people (mostly friends!) on his hands. Maybe as a Christmas present to John, I'll stop harping on it. That's mostly Preboot history anyway! Except it's not really since he murdered that one guy early in this series and obviously Yrra is still upset that he destroyed her home planet and he had that one flashback where he had to snipe a planet or something. I forget. I think that's pretty accurate though.

Last issue everybody in the Lantern universe except Simon Baz and Guy Gardner and Larfleeze had been imprisoned or killed by The New Gods. Everybody! Stop pointing out other people who had yet to be captured. They were captured between issues. So now John Stewart can't use his Power of Love ring to free them because nobody is left for him to stalk. I guess he kind of loves Guy Gardner but only in that way that you love that one friend who is an asshole but you know that if he ever gets jumped at the club by ten other guys, you wouldn't jump in to help him out because you know he fucking deserves the beating. So I don't think the ring processes that as true love even though every guy in the world knows that kind of love. But the Star Sapphire ring doesn't quite understand guy love being that this is the first time a Violet Ring has ever been on a male finger.

Indigo-1 has betrayed the other Lanterns, so the Indigo Lanterns have avoided capture. Highfather returns the ring he stole from one of her allies and allows her to leave. Is Highfather a naive idiot? Doesn't he remember that arrogance cometh before cleanliness? Just because he's the most powerful guy in the multiverse (next to Darkseid. And the Anti-Monitor. And possibly Batman), he thinks the Indigo Lanterns are going to throw out their loyalty to the other Corps and side with him? What an asshole. He deserves to get his ass beat by Darkseid on an eternal basis.

Duh! He already knows you captured them! He prevented you from killing them, you idiot!

I guess Van Jensen and Charles Soule didn't compare scripts during Godhead Book II. Marvel probably prevented Soule from talking to any of DC's writers while he finished up his work with DC so that they wouldn't steal any of Charles Soule's ideas that he's going to bring over to Marvel so Marvel can earn millions of dollars with them. Especially if Soule comes up with a character that would be perfect for a summer blockbuster movie!

Orion is currently battling Black Hand and Hal Jordan at the Source Wall. So I guess I forgot about those guys still being free. Also Kyle and Carol are also free even though they had been captured so I was technically right there. Also Guy and Simon were captured which I had forgotten so I was technically wrong there. I think all of my misinformation was a wash though! I said everybody but three Lanterns had been imprisoned or killed and everybody but three Lanterns had been imprisoned or killed! Just, you know, two of them have escaped since then.

The Prison Planet arrives at New Genesis and begins dumping its prisoners in front of Highfather so he can give them a false choice to join him or to be forced to join him.

Yeah. These two choose to be forced to join.

As Highfather blows his rod's load to White Light up Sinestro and Stewart, Malhedron jumps in front of them and takes the blast. Good old Earth emotions have finally convinced him that Highfather is as bad as Darkseid! It's the biggest surprise twist since that other one that everybody already guessed. I think it was the one where Captain Atom was Monarch so DC had to come up with a bigger twist that made no sense and allow Hank Hall to be Monarch.

You made the ultimate mistake of a leader, Highfather. You have to allow your subjects the illusion of choice. It's why democracies work so well because everybody feels they're changing things by participating, even if it's in a rigged system. You also must allow freedom of speech as a venting system to quell rebellion before it can ever become an issue, no matter how much you disagree with the things being said.

Malhedron BOOM Tubes Stewart, Sinestro, and Saint Walker away to a secret hiding place so they can come up with a plan. Malhedron's plan is to run as far away from Highfather as possible. John's plan is to make God seem nicer than he is by telling lies.

Wrong. God did not promise to never curse humanity again.

According to the King James Bible, this was how it all went down:

"And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 'And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.'"

See? God only promises not to kill everybody with a flood next time. As far as not cursing humanity ever again, well we know that's not true because in the very next section, Noah curses Ham's son Canaan and all his generations because Ham saw him drunk and naked. Now I don't think Noah had the power to make that kind of curse come true, so I'm going to go out on a pretty strong limb and say that God listened to Noah and thought, "Yeah, yeah. That totally makes sense. Curse Ham's kid and all of his future descendants because his father accidentally walked into your tent where you were lying naked in a pile of your own vomit and filth. That's just the kind of petty bullshit I love! Good one, Noah! Curse granted!"

Stewart convinces Malhedron to simply be their Transportation Engineer while they battle Highfather and he agrees.

If Highfather only knew what John meant by "greatest assassin." You know...of his own men! Oh shit. I just ruined my Christmas present to John. I guess it wouldn't be a real Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Christmas if I didn't ruin it for somebody.

John beats the crap out of Uggha and steals his hammer. Or mace. Whatever. Then Malhedron BOOM Tubes them back to their secret headquarters where they can plan more hit and run attacks on New Genesis. Hopefully Malhedron will add Simon and Guy to the team in Red Lanterns.

Green Lantern Corps #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. I realize they needed Malhedron's help to begin to fight back but it was sort of assumed from the beginning of this entire mess that they would need a New God on their team to battle other New Gods. I like that Malhedron has a more than reasonable excuse for changing sides, and I like that the seed was planted early on in Red Lanterns and built upon until now. But mostly, I really loved how John Stewart took charge and how he's threatened all of New Genesis with death and mayhem until the war is over. Even if he doesn't really plan on killing anybody.

Klarion #3

This comic book was cancelled almost as soon as it hit the shelves!

Perhaps somebody at DC will finally realize that Ann Nocenti's name on a comic book keeps people away from the comic book. She is terrible at writing comic books! Maybe she should write a comic strip. Man, I would love to partner with Ann Nocenti to do a weekly web comic. She would write it poorly and I would draw it poorly and it would be so fucking bad it would be the best thing on the internet. Except since that's what I'd be hoping for, Nocenti would probably knock the writing part out of the fucking park. Hell, I'd be just as happy with that! But then we'd have to find an actual artist or else my scribbles wouldn't do her work justice.

I'll read Klarion in a few minutes but first let's take a look at another book from my childhood from my shelf of old books.

Apparently I thought the cover would look much better if Daphne were stamped all over it. Such an artist!

That font really looks like it's photoshopped onto the cover but I assure you that's the real title of this book.

This one is so good that my poorly written, barely legible name in little kid printing has been crossed out and my sister wrote her name underneath it. What a jerk!

"You know where to stick that Jizzle, Bamm-Bamm!"

The witch looks like Mr. Slate in drag.

Why would a couple of babies know where to get jizzle in Bedrock?

Everything works out in the end and, with the help of two babies, the witch manages to get jizzle all over the place.

I think my mom was trying to acclimate me to feel comfortable around perverts.

Okay, I guess I'm ready to read Klarion now. But I'm sure it's going to be a huge disappointment after the jizzle book.

Last issue ended with Klarion kissing Zell and Rasputin meeting his new girlfriend, the Buddybot. This issue begins with everything exploding due to the kiss. I guess. While Zell and Klarion are being blown through the air, Zell says, "Klarion! Don't look at me like that!" How is he supposed to look at you when you just tried to auto-erotic asphyxiate him with your hair while you kissed? And then blew up?

Maybe Teekl blew up because Teekl was jealous?

Afterwards, Klarion and Zell engage in a typical Nocenti dialogue full of changes of subject and non sequitors.

Maybe Ann Nocenti suffers from some kind of perception disorder which causes time to jump forward for her in the middle of conversations. Maybe all of her conversations are like this and she thinks it's normal.

Klarion notices a hole in the wall and looks into it. He sees Rasputin and his new fuck buddy, Buddybot, fucking.

That's not what the uncanny valley is, you stupid robot. Who programmed you?

Klarion barges in and Contessa begins face fucking Klarion. Goddammit! Now Rasputin is going to be jealous of Klarion and Contessa as well as Klarion and Zell! Stupid Buddybot! You didn't emerge out of Klarion's butthole so you shouldn't be engaging in benefits with him.

Contessa turns into a woman while Zell parcels out some Ann Nocenti Fun Facts about a replicated hamburger. Now that Contessa is beginning to look like a human robot, she's getting closer to the uncanny valley! Stupid Contessa! Be smarter!

A pod of taco trucks. Evolution. Waffle windows.

What the fuck are they talking about?

Piper the Magic Landlady gives the kids a lesson about bees. She points out how alone they bumble but are powerful together. Yeah, but they're bees. People aren't bees! But she tells the kids to act like a herd of bees and stay together so they don't get picked off while alone. But, as the Neapolitan Club guys pointed out, a swarm of gazelle still lose individual members to lions. So even in a swarm, or, um, a herd, one of the kids could get picked off! Like Rasputin got picked off already! I think this lesson is too late.

Ann Nocenti should have a toll free number that readers can call so she can just fucking explain what she's trying to say in this stupid comic book. I think she's trying to tell me that swarms are good and bad!

Klarion failed to keep all the kids with cell phones at the club from taking video of Rasp floating in the air. Oh, also, they got footage of his blue horned butt trying to get Rasp out of the air before they could film it. And now the footage has fallen into the hands of a covert agent named Agent Moody!

Well, I guess Klarion's a vampire! She deduced it with impeccable logic!

Meanwhile at Beelzebub's Barber shop, Beelzebub shaves a guy as the guy tells a crappy story and some guy in a muscle shirt masturbates on the back of his head.

I bet Ann Nocenti actually used that shelf story on some guy she was dating.

Klarion and Zell head out to meet Beelzebub at some robot art show. Zell reminds Klarion that Piper said not to go out alone and Klarion doesn't ask Zell if she knows what the definition of alone is. Then Zell points out that Beelzebub's card smells and is covered in flies. Gross. And Klarion had that thing in his pocket?

When the fuck is Teekl going to appear. What a waste, Ann Nocenti! I'm going to write an article called Kittens in Refrigerators.

At the robot art show, Klarion and Zell learn that Buddybots can cure autism! Stupid Buddybots. Autistics don't need to be cured! They're absolutely fine with themselves and their worlds. It's the fucking parents that need to be taught that their child isn't broken just because their child isn't giving them the endless, unconditional love they so desperately crave. The kid isn't "missing out" on your normie experience. Heck, they may even process the world too quickly or too slowly so nothing outside of their mind makes much sense. But then I guess a Buddybot would be perfect! I'm all turned around on the Buddybot now since it can probably adjust the speed in which it speaks so that the autistic kid can interact with it. Plus maybe he can get laid!

Klarion starts a fight with Coal but Coal takes off before Agent Moody and her Witchhunters arrive. Beelzebub also arrives to help Klarion escape in his muscle car. But for some reason, Zell gets upset that Klarion might ditch her. Why? Just get in the fucking car with Klarion. It's a fucking boat! There's plenty of room! Unless the dramatic tension and contrived plot are taking up all the extra space inside.

Klarion #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The scripting makes this thing hard enough to understand but then the layouts tend to swirl across two pages and spiral back again and I have no idea what's going on. I think technology and magic are battling or something. Plus kids are being kids and stuff. And they're fucking robots. Since this has been canceled, am I allowed to stop reading it?

Constantine #20

Will kids today understand the double meaning of reflection here?!

I love practicing being an old man! I need to think up some hilariously mean shit to yell at the neighborhood kids from the porch so they think, "That is the coolest old man ever." Mostly I just have to say stuff like the above caption where I never give young people the benefit of the doubt. "By golly, they're all narcissistic assholes! Have you heard that twaddle they call music and not twaddle like they should be calling it if they cared a whit for accuracy?! I hope they all develop raging cases of genital warts due to all that free love they're practicing as they smoke the legal dope! Bah! They don't know the value of a good high because they never had to meet a sketchy guy on the side of a 7-11 at three in the morning who, after making the sale, then wanted to hang out with you while you get high! Fucker! You're my connection, not my friend! What I wouldn't have gave to be able to buy my pot from a clerk across the counter who couldn't follow me home to drink all of my beers and piss on my bathroom floor!"

I hope the last thing I think before I die is, "Oh my God I've never come so hard in my life!"

This issue is called "Meaningful Gestures." You mean like flipping the bird?

Last issue left off with Constantine barging in on Constantine and his family and friends. It's the life John never knew because he had to get into magic and burn the house down around his parents' ears. And then he got all of his friends killed. And then he pissed off London so that he can't ever go back (although I guess Earth-2 London is safe) and he burned several bridges between himself and Maureen so she stopped loving him. And now he's suddenly confronted by all of the things his poor decisions over the years cost him.

Ha ha!

I feel this every time I look at people living normal lives. Did refusing to make all of those hard choices cheat me out of some other, better life? Has this Tess, the one that always took the easy way, missed out on a fulfilled life? If this is the best life I could have lived, why do I feel so empty and defeated? I bet it's because I haven't found Jesus!

Man, have you guys ever seen those 700 Club commercials where people say things like, "I'm here to tell you there's something missing in your life. And that something is Jesus." Then they show the guy wearing a Tribble on his head and he's all, "My life is so fantastic now that I hang out with Christians who are too polite to tell me that my toupee looks like shit! Thank you, Jesus!"

I can't wait for Christmas Dinner with the Common-In-Laws now! I'm going to shit all over everybody's festive mood!

John-2's family learns that Constantine is from a different Earth and that maybe he can take them all over before their Earth is destroyed. But then all the apathetic, despairing losers driven mad by the Succumbubus break into the house and try to kill everybody. Constantine and his new friends make a break for it and begin running madly through London.

I hope I remember to add the Succumbubus to my Places and Predators Monster Manual.

This picture doesn't make me quite as gleeful as this picture did way back when.

Eventually Constantine and his new family find a place to hide from the crazies. It gives Constantine a chance to tell them scary stories about how their world is ending because he knows a few things about Darkseid.

I know! You heat up the doorknob and then put Hot Wheels all over the floor and rig a paint can full of rocks to knock Darkseid into the basement!

Constantine and his Earth-2 family draw magic hoodoo and mystic symbols all over the walls and floor of their hidey-hole. Sometimes you have to wonder who Constantine is trying to fool. Darkseid? His new family? Himself? Maybe all three?

One person he doesn't fool (and probably wasn't trying because, hey! Free magic helmet!) was Doctor Cocoa Puffs. He arrives to let everybody know that he's there to help. Too bad John just got done telling everybody not to trust whatever magical being is attracted to their ritual!

Constantine #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This actually felt like a fucking Hellblazer story. And it'll especially feel like a Hellblazer story if the fucking shit hits the fucking fan next issue and a whole lot of innocent people die in John's attempt to get back to Earth-Main-Earth!

World's End #10

Oh look. It's Darkseid.

Deep beneath Geneva in the Apokoliptian firepit, Superman has been found alive. Hooray. Desaad brought him back to life to create super furies with his powers. He also brought Wonder Woman to life somewhere else. But probably not Batman because Batman has no powers and is useless. You can siphon super powers for enhanced cloning techniques but nobody has yet found a way to synthesize being DC Comic's favorite character. DC Comics wishes they had figured out a way so they could sell more issues of each title without having to put Batman in it. But they have not. They came close with Lobo in the nineties but they ruined it by allowing every writer to include Lobo in their book so that their title character could show how clever they were when they defeated the most bad-ass monster in the universe. Which then turned Lobo into a character that always got his ass handed to him. Being defeated in every appearance is kind of difficult for the biggest bad-ass ever to pull off without losing a bit of what made him entertaining. Now DC has found some magic in Harley Quinn but they've been trying their hardest to ruin that as well. First they forgot that what made her so entertaining was the skillful juggling of the adorable with the violent. And she was a genuinely likable person when she wasn't acting completely psychotic and doing anything for Mister J's love. She was sympathetic while also being adorable while also being ruthlessly destructive. DC looked at Harley for The New 52 and thought, "What is the essence of this character? What would make even more people like her?" And they came up with the answer: "Eye candy!" I think that's always their answer: "More tits and ass! Lose the adorable, innocent quality of her character and make sure she fucks Deadshot as quickly as possible while referring to her vagina as a clown car!" Luckily for DC, the Harley fans rode out her worst New 52 years until she could man her own vehicle which is currently careening out of control as she gets a fucking Special every fucking month. Where's the countdown for fans feeling over-Harleyed?

Sorry for the somewhat interesting digression. Let me get back to being as boring as possible so that I match the tone of this comic book.

Speaking of DC hating successful characters, I guess the friendship between Helena and Karen was too entertaining and powerful.

"We saw nothing but the death of hope. And the loss of our friend."

Does Desaad not have the technology to create wings not full of holes?

Power Girl tells everybody else to run while she "gets her sister back." That shouldn't be too hard. Just rip two of the four arms off and punch her back into her old personality. But make sure to tear off the non-wing arms, Power Girl. You don't want to have to go back to carrying her around all of the time.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Barbara Gordon was shot and killed. Darn. But Constantine and his gang know magic so maybe they can resurrect her. Sure, her body will simply be animated by a demon from hell as Barbara's actual ego burns in hell, but at least Dick will have the opportunity to be happy by lying to himself that he's sleeping with his actual wife.

Except what actually happens is Constantine stands up for Dick's family because he doesn't like little kids being threatened. Then his gang beat up all the thugs and get on the train to escape the tidal wave, conveniently forgetting about the small boy they saved.

So there was no room for Dick and Barbara's corpse on the train even after Constantine's crew defeated all of the thugs? Seems reasonable.

This comic book has no idea what would make it interesting. Dick and Babs in a relationship? Naw! Fuck that. Karen and Helena's goofy friendship? End it! Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman killed to be replaced by a new wave of inexperienced heroes? Stupid! Apokolips is attacking Earth? Replace Darkseid with a bitching, whining, moaning court of monsters!

And why the fuck is Constantine even in it? He's trying to get home and that leads him to this group that he's now ditching to find out why his magic is wonky? I suppose that's just to give him a reason to head back to his own title without people wondering why the story doesn't line up at all with this story. Just let Constantine get back to Earth-Main-Earth already. Is he really adding anything to this book? Maybe when this is all over, Constantine will be transported back to Earth-Vertigo and Hellblazer will start back up.

Just another DC Character with Daddy Issues.

Can DC publish a supplemental text explaining how Apokolips works? Darkseid sits in the heart of it meditating and expending all of its energy so it needs to fly around consuming other planets? Who is Paternus and all of the other court cocksuckers running around screaming about the end of the world. An apocalypse on Apokolips. Is that irony or just word play?

Maybe the Mobius Chamber is just Darkseid's shitter?

Meanwhile, Sam, Alan, and Solomon Grumpy are getting their assess kicked by The Four Horsewomen of Apokolips (minus one). But then Cthulhu arrives to save the day! Everybody celebrates! And goes insane! Yay!

Actually, Cthulhu doesn't save the day. It just arrives and says "Blah blah blah R'lyeh!" Then the action goes back to Apokolips where Mister Miracle, with some prodding from Barda, is tricked into rescuing Darkseid from the Mobius Chamber. Why he was trapped inside his own planet, I don't know. Maybe next issue will be fifteen pages of explication from Darkseid. The other pages will be one of Dick cradling Barbara and crying as a speech bubble says, "Do not give up hope," from off-panel, then one of Cthulhu driving back the Furies and Solomon Grumpy standing nearby with hearts in his penis, then one of Commander Khan yelling, "What do we do next? What's happening?!", then one of The Streak starring Jay Gimmick almost boning his mother, and finally one more of Helena hugging Karen to death.

World's End #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. I think I might hate this book more than any other book from The New 52 ever. Even Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans. Even Ann Nocenti's everything she touches! Even...am I actually saying this...even Grifter! The problem with this book is that it's not entertaining in its awfulness. I feel like I'm Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange and I'm strapped to a chair with my eyes pinned open being forced to look at a bunch of disparate images that have nothing but the barest of connections with each other. Am I being reprogrammed by this book?! Maybe DC worked with a bunch of psychologists and sorcerers to create this book just for me! It's reprogramming me so that I'll either stop commenting on their New 52 line entirely, or I'll just start saying nice things about every single book they put out, no matter how awful the writer is.

Why is Channel 52 wasting time highlighting the cast from Klarion's book when it has already been cancelled? I'm sure this was planned to boost sales of Klarion before they realized Klarion was not worth salvaging. And now it's just another embarrassing installment of Channel 52!

Batman Eternal #36

You'll be shocked and utterly dismayed by what I conclude in my conclusion!

So many different plot threads have come loose from the Batman Eternal Christmas sweater that even the knitters probably don't know how many there are. Up until I opened Batman Eternal #36, I'd completely forgotten about what's-her-name and her stupid kid brother, what's-his-name. I'm glad I already typed that so that I can leave it even though I just remembered that her name is Harper and her brother's name is the gay kid in the coma full of nanobots. That's not what his convict dad put on the birth certificate but it's what all his friends call him when they're punching him in the face and taking his lunch money.

You'd be completely bewildered and annoyed by the sentence that I just deleted which you'll never get to read even if you click on the link I'm not providing!

Please. If you caught Red Robin coming out of the shower, Red Robin wanted to be caught coming out of the shower!

Harper concludes her shower story saying she "didn't see anything R-rated." Of course you didn't! Red Robin doesn't have boobies or vaginal pubic hair! Although, to be fair, movies and cable television have begun showing flaccid wieners like never before! I've seen Jason Segel's penis and Jason Mewes penis and Kevin McKidd's penis and probably some other penises that I don't remember who they belonged to. I imagine there are a lot more to be seen but since I haven't had cable television in over a decade and most cartoon or super hero movies don't show a guy's junk, I've probably missed a lot of onscreen ween.

Red Robin realizes Batman needs his help so he asks Harper to coordinate with the Batcave while he rushes out to save Batman's life. Although before he even leaves the Robin's Nest, the Batmobile is crashing out of the window of Wayne Tower, so it's more likely that Red Robin will be pulling Batman's corpse from the Batmobile. I guess this is the part where Harper and Penny-Two become Besties and decide to put on costumes and become full-fledged Batman sidekicks?

Penny-Two gives the "Blue Rose" code to the batcomputer which must mean Alfred is a huge fan of Fire Walk With Me. I don't know what the command does but hopefully it saved Batman's life somehow because seconds after Penny-Two says it, the Batmobile crashes into the streets of Gotham and explodes.

Meanwhile, Vicki Vale finishes up her story she's been investigating in Detroit.

That's not how you do journalism! You don't throw the truth away once you find it! You publish it, you dodo!

After Vicki hangs up, Batman punches Bard in the face just like Vicki Vale said he would. She's a good reporter! She might be better than Lois Lane! She just hasn't had all the same breaks. If only Vicki could work for a lush organization like The Daily Planet. Working in Metropolis? Where they have a superhero that likes to be reported on and will give interviews?! How can Vicki Vale compete when, even if you can pin him down and ask him a question, Batman just disappears when you glance down at your notepad?

When Jason Bard points a gun at The Batman and threatens to arrest him, everybody reading this comic book thinks, "What an ass!" Also, the Batkids drop by to make sure Bard gets the point that he might be Commissioner but he doesn't make the Batlaw in Gotham. Batlaw is the usual laws that exist but they don't have to be followed by members of the Batfamily. That's the main reason they wear masks. Not to protect loved ones but so nobody knows exactly who to serve the summons to when trying to sue their asses in civil courts.

Hush would probably like a grilled cheese. Tim and Jason don't want waffles.

Batman points out to his Kids that everything they've experienced so far must be connected. But he just can't figure out which one of his enemies can put together such a twisted, complex, scheme that has so many interlocking parts. Like a puzzle! I mean, who the fuck could be behind it all?! I tried guessing this before and could only come up with enemies like The Puzzler or the Brainteaser or the Gameplayer. It's just beyond me who it could be!

The Riddler? No, I don't buy it. His invitations would have had cute little question marks all over them.

Batman Eternal #36 Rating: No change. Okay, so it is true that the Riddler left a coded clue in which the codebreaker needed to use his name, Engyma, to crack the code. And then the code said that if you were smart enough to read the code, you would already know who is behind Gotham's problems. So that kind of points to The Riddler as the Mastermind, doesn't it? Plus it's the kind of crazy fucking Rube Goldbergesque plan The Riddler enjoys putting together. And I'd be satisfied with The Riddler since he's smart enough to put this shit together. I was really upset when it seemed Hush was behind it all! I doubt Hush would have spelled every word on the invitations correctly.

Oh wait! I think I promised something shocking in my conclusion. Um...kittens fart poison!

Futures End #32

When did Galactus enter this story?

Are we at the big surprise reveal where we find out that there is a Brainiac above the normal Collector of Worlds Brainiac that is a Collector of Universes Brainiac? No? Okay. I guess we'll just read some more filler until then.

Five years in the Futures End future, people still wear puffy jackets and handlebar mustaches. I find that hard to swallow! Shouldn't everybody be wearing invisible skin warming plasticine which shows off every nook and cranny because in five years we'll all be above such bourgeois notions of nakedness, and everyone has stopped tittering relentlessly when they see other people's ding-dongs and doo-dads? That's how I see the future! A relentless onslaught of penises and vaginas passing by and nobody is turned on in the least, thanks to a daily Governmental cocktail composed of lithium, birth control, and diabetic medications. Oh yeah, we're all super fat and unhealthy in five years as well!

See? Fat and unhealthy! And Coke rules with an iron, yet mouth puckeringly sweet, fist.

This is the kind of dialogue that brings a comic book to life and helps the reader to feel they're sneaking a glimpse at a story that could possibly be taking place just on the other side of some wispy veil separating realities. It's not magical dialogue. It's not intellectual dialogue on profound themes. It's just an unimportant side character stating an opinion contrary to Plastique's opinion. I think, too often, a writer will want to put forth their own opinions of the world through the mouths of the characters instead of building characters with their own perspectives, perspectives that often differ with one another. And while some people might focus on the fact that a grown man has never had a slice of pizza, this pizza guy doesn't bat an eye at that and just points out, from his experience, she's giving a newbie the wrong slice. It's really just a throw away moment that many people might skim past while wondering when the action will start. But moments like this are important. Mundane moments with characters actually interacting with one another instead of being mouthpieces for the writer's opinions. This helps me to connect with the story and the characters. Now maybe when Plastique finally faces her demise, I might actually remember her excited face from this scene as she introduces pizza to a new friend, and her interaction with this working guy that makes sense, and I might fucking care a little bit.

Maybe. It's also possible I'll completely forget this scene in the next twenty minutes.

Terry McBatman is lucky she didn't make his face explode.

Judging by the above scene, I don't think Future-Brother-Eye-Infected Plastique was attacking Terry McBatman in Futures End issues zero and one. She was just trying to give him a kiss.

Cole Cash is busy trying to get his Earth-Main-Earth Registration Card so people will stop thinking he's a Twofer. Or so they stop thinking he's Lana Lang's husband. That could get him in trouble with Superman! Except this is Twofer Lana Lang and I don't think Superman gives a shit about Twofer Lana Lang. If only Cole's brother wasn't a gigantic corpse, they could use him as a character witness. Cole's only choice now is to deal with being thought of as the Earth-2 version of himself (even though he's from the Wildstorm Earth already! Right? The one that merged with the Vertigo and the Main Earth!) or spend six months in lockup as he waits for an inquiry into his origins.

My recommendation to Grifter is that he doesn't go to court. He doesn't want his history dredged up because does he really want to be reminded that he starred in the worst comic of the initial batch of New 52 comics?

The whole toilet seat up or down thing is Sexist Comedy 101 that I could rant about for hours. But since this repartee is adorable, I think I can let it slide this time.

Meanwhile, Fifty Sue becomes Mini-Deathstroke With Pigtails. And by "pigtails," I mean "two unbraided bunches of hair on opposite sides of Fifty Sue's head." Pigtails is easier to say.

The guy on the cover turns out to be what Dr. Yamazake has become. He's an incorporeal being with the power to control magnetism. So he built himself the Different-Enough-From-Galactus-To-Not-Be-Sued suit and begins plotting his revenge against The Justice League. Although can he really call it revenge when they've done nothing to him at all and every slight he believes they've committed against him is entirely made up in his own mind? Isn't that something other than revenge?

And finally, Ray Palmer's Stormwatch has arrived back at Earth. Or at least "an Earth." I'm sure it's not the Earth they think it is. I bet it's...PREBOOT EARTH! But before they can investigate it, Hawkman and The Engineer need to fuck.

The Engineer must be infected by a self-hating, low self-esteem causing virus because ick.

Ray Palmer's Stormwatch is intercepted by Father Time and taken aboard The Ant Farm, SHADE headquarters. They want The Engineer to help them defeat Brainiac and Father Time is willing to release every monster in The Zoo to get her. I guess next issue will be Godzilla versus Frankenstein! How come that was never a Universal Picture?

Futures End #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Terry McBatman had better stop flirting with Plastique and get on with the Case of the Mister Terrific's Murderer (Hint: It will be Terry McBatman!). Mister Terrific is about to release his uSpheres into New York city and then that will be that. Lois Lane will get her hands on one and then she'll sync up her Brother Eye infected phone to her Brainiac infested uSphere and everybody can kiss the world goodbye. Then Lois will be all, "uSphere, find me the most authentic Indian cuisine in the area that delivers at one in the morning." And her uSphere will be all, "UNH UNH UNH TAKE IT, BROTHER EYE! TAKE MY FULL DATA STREAM!" And her phone will be all, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING WPA2 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP WITH A SELF-REPLICATING EXECUTABLE!" And Lois will be, "I'm starving!"