Detective Comics #953

Is the left boob a vital organ?

This issue begins with Renee Montoya scratching her ass as Jim Gordon displays his terrible taste in white middle age fashion (Hawaiian shirt and khakis!). Renee has been seen before in other comic books so you'll hopefully forgive this one for not starting off by saying, "Renee is gay! She totally sticks her tongues into vaginas! I think! Is that how lesbians do it?" These teen rated comic books really need to be more informative about gay sex. They should also be more informative about heterosexual sex. Like maybe show a picture of a vagina once in a while so I know what to picture in my head when I masturbate. It's not sexy at all just picturing the word "vagina."

Are all the women in law enforcement in the DC Universe gay? There's Renee and Kate and Maggie and...well, that's all I can think of! Oh! And that nun in the Gotham Supernatural Crimes Unit. I guess if she were gay that would make Jesus her beard?

Commissioner Gordon is returning from a vacation in Jamaica which doesn't explain his Hawaiian shirt at all. Apparently when he heard that the Gotham Police Department were looking at Batman as their prime suspect for the murder of Mayor Hady, he was like, "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! What kind of easily manipulated idiots do I work with?! Obviously Batman didn't kill the guy! He never kills the guy! No matter how many times a villain frames him for murder, it never winds up being The Goddamned Batman!" Then the cabana boy was all, "Would you like more rum in your coconut?"

Renee isn't one of those chumps who believe everything they hear (although sometimes you have to believe some stuff! You can't be like all of these Internet intellectuals who never believe anything so that they can never be fooled by anything. Although those are the same types of people who believe shit like Project Cloverleaf and Pizzagate) so she brought Batman along to work with Commissioner Gordon. They'll get to the bottom of this League of Shadows nonsense and probably without once saying, "Doesn't this remind you just a little bit of the Court of Owls?"

Hey! Me too! Now whenever I want to show somebody that I love them, I yell, "Out vile jelly!" I'm pretty sure they understand.

After all the boring introductory stuff that's there to remind readers the names of the characters and possibly some other stuff (although they forgot to remind everybody that Renee Montoya is gay. Shame! (I mean shame on the forgetting and not shame on the being gay. Don't you dare purposefully misunderstand my meaning, you terrible Internet scolds!)), the action begins. That action is the League of Shadows attacking all of the secret Bat Lairs because why wouldn't they know every Bat-Secret ever? They're the most dangerous foes Batman has ever faced!

Also, Cassie Cain kicks Batman's ass because she's going through a terrible bout of Daddy and Mommy Issues. Sometimes I wish somebody at DC Comics would hold a staff meeting to suggest other reasons characters might be experiencing drama in their lives. It doesn't always have to be about parents, does it?!

Judging by the next scene, I'm going to predict that meeting never, ever takes place.

Here's another idea for a company meeting: bring in all of the artists to see what an actual woman looks like when she's in a suit of leather. It doesn't adhere to the body in the way they think it does. Is Kate vacuum sealed into her outfit?! Oh! I bet if she was, I'd finally know what to picture when I think "vagina!"

Cassandra heads into Gotham Times Square to shout "Shiva!" which Shiva obviously hears. I avoid being angry about how ridiculous that is by asking myself, "Do I want to read ten pages of Cassandra Cain hunting down Shiva?" Since the answer to that is "Holy fucking Christ, no!", I'm happy with this turn of events. Cassie is being plagued by that question that After-School Specials have told us plagues all adopted children eventually: "Why did my mother abandon me?" You know what Special I never saw that would have really helped me growing up? "Why Didn't My Mother Abandon Me?" I totally would have identified with that one.

Shiva doesn't answer Cassie's question because Cassie refuses to kill her. Well, that seems like a no-win situation. How could she answer if Cassie killed her? Oh wait. It's comic books. She probably would resurrect or become a ghost or fart the answer in a long, rambling death ass rattle.

While all of the Bat Family are being picked apart, Batman discovers Ra's al Ghul has infiltrated the Batcave. He must be there to offer Batman a chance to work with him to defeat the League of Shadows. Batman will probably say "I guess I have no choice!" instead of the thing he really should say: "Are you fucking kidding me? I know Superman and Wonder Woman! Get the fuck out of here!"

The Ranking!
No change! If you want to read a comic book that feels familiar because it's using all of the comic book clichés ever and even stealing most of the plot elements from the Court of Owls story, you should pick up this comic book! I'd rather spend those five minutes of my life in a more interesting way, like smelling the lint between my toes or shoving magic markers up my ass. But since I read the comic book already, I just don't have time! But you still have a chance to make that decision! Heed my warning, comic book readers! Carpe Magicae Plumbum!

Midnighter and Apollo #6

You know what question DC will never answer (probably because it's obvious and doesn't need to be answered)? Which one is the top.

The Review!
Well. I'm happy to say I was wrong on two counts: that DC wouldn't answer that question and which was the top.

Although I'm sure Midnighter is a versatile bottom.

Also, if you ever tell anybody I was wrong about anything involving comic books, I'll have you killed. The Grandmaster Comic Book Reader title doesn't mean I don't make the occasional mistake. It means I have a license to kill uppity back-talkers.

Then this happens!

Didn't they learn anything from their time in Hell?!

I think what Midnighter and Apollo learned in Hell was that nothing there has any power over them. They kicked every ass Hell could throw at them and survived. So that's how you survive Hell! If you're going to kill people in this life, you'd better learn to be the best killer of people you can be! Then when you wind up in Hell, you'll be better at killing than everybody else in the place. You'll fucking own that property! Although if Midnighter and Apollo really went to Hell because they fuck each other knowing full well that it won't produce a child then they'll still fucking own the place. Not only are they the most efficient killers in the world, they also enjoy some of Hell's major tortures!

Midnighter in Hell: "Oh no, demon with the humongous erection! Please don't fuck me in the ass until I ejaculate!"

Although maybe the devil is smarter than I'm giving him (or her!) credit for. Maybe Midnighter's Hell will be having to eat pussy.

Isn't it weird how one person's Hell is another person's Heaven? I wonder if it's possible to exchange identities with people in Hell. If so, I need to find a gay friend who looks sort of like me and also know they're going to Hell! We'll totally exchange identifications on the way in and get the "tortures" reserved for the other person! I should also find somebody who hates all the food I like, just in case one of the tortures of Hell is playing Spoons.

After it's all over (see that kiss? That was the end! After they escaped Hell! Did I forget to mention that? Now it's time for the denouement! Unless it's spelled differently which I don't think it is because Spell Check didn't underline the word. Maybe Spell Check doesn't know the word and is just too embarrassed to admit it doesn't know it so it decided not to underline it even though it's spelled wrong!), Midnighter and Apollo have dinner at Extraño's place.

I wonder if Gregario ever fucks Hugh in his pouch?

I admit it! I totally had to look up what a therian was! Even Spell Check doesn't know!

Before being interrupted, Apollo was telling a story about fighting a Red Lantern or something. I think that's to remind everybody that Midnighter owes Dex-Starr a rematch!

After that, Midnighter and Apollo fuck. But only in the reader's filthy imagination!

The Ranking!
No change! Other six issue mini-series at DC can learn a thing or two from this series. It utilized its entire six issues and told exactly that amount of story. Nobody pitched an idea for a story and then discovered the story could be told in two issues so then had to insert a bunch of bullshit that didn't matter into the other four issues. I may or may not be looking at Marv Wolfman's Raven and Marc Andreyko's Death of Hawkman. I mean, Death of Hawkman could have been one page and I would have happily purchased it! As long as that one page was what the title said it was. Anyway, this is how a six issue series should be written. If DC is going to demand six issue stories so they can be released in normal sized trades, fucking get the writers to write enough story for those six fucking issues, you dull-witted bastards.

Detective Comics #952

The Bat Gang versus an army of Talons! I mean shadow ninjas!

Are we really still a society that is fascinated with giant apes? I feel like the 20th Century was America going through its twelve year old boy phase. We were into rockets and giant monsters crushing cities. The seventies and eighties were the discovery of boner magazines. The nineties were like a full decade spent hyped up on sugared cereal while watching Saturday morning cartoons. And then we hit the 21st Century and things had to change. Nobody wants to keep on being a twelve year old boy forever. But we were totally into playing soldier at that time, so we couldn't change yet! Just one more decade, mom! I felt like maybe we were growing once Obama became president (well, some of us. One particular ideological political group insists on remaining twelve year old boys. It sucks they're in charge now). I thought maybe we were going to mature into a woman that just turned twenty-one. Oh, sure! There are some issues that go along with that too! But at least we wouldn't be obsessed with boobies and monsters and war and giant apes, right?

Ugh.

I really don't get the fucking appeal of King Kong. Maybe Hollywood really is just a seer's crystal ball spamming portents of the future into the minds of the masses. This is just proof that the twelve year old boys are back in control and we're all fucked.

This reminds me. I should probably send out letters of apology to everybody who knew me when I was twelve. I don't know how I wasn't just slapped across the face constantly.

Yesterday, I experienced two moments that brought me unbridled joy. I heard Ookla the Mok's song "Viewmaster" for the first time. And then while walking back from the store (where I'd heard the song on my Shuffle), I watched as three crows followed the mailman from house to house to house down the block. I fucking love crows. But because they're birds, I often forget and leave them out of my lists of favorite animals. I usually just say cats, goats, and raccoons. Poor little corvids always get left out.

The Review!
For any fangenders wondering how powerful the League of Shadows are, they can stop wondering because James Tynion IV opens this comic with proof of how bad-ass they are. Not that it was needed. If you're a comic book reader, you know how it works. The current threat is always the most dangerous threat ever to be faced ever and will only be out-threated by next month's threat. It's why comic book story lines have escalated into this untenable place where every fucking conflict has the fate of all reality at stake. Okay, maybe it's not always that great. I mean, this is a Batman comic book so things need to remain a little more at street level. What Tynion does to prove the League of Shadows are a threat like no other the Batman has ever faced (aside from the Court of Owls but you should forget about them because they were New 52 and this is Rebirth and, anyway, they're nothing at all like the League of Shadows!) is to have Ra's al Ghul track down Shiva and practically beg her to keep her League from killing his League. But she's all, "No way, French name that rhymes with Jose because we're in France!" So Ra's attacks her with a small army.

Now, you might be thinking, "Whoa! That is bad-ass! Even Ra's's League of Assassins can't beat the League of Shadows!" But if you are, you've jumped the gun! Because that isn't the part that proves how dangerous Shiva's League is. It's the page after the small army attacks Shiva!

Holy shit! She defeated the small army in ten seconds! Whoa!

Oh, also, Cassie is Shiva's daughter. I'm not sure if we were already supposed to know that or not. It's news to me! But then the story could point out that Tim Drake died recently and I'd be all, "Oh? Did he? I really wasn't wondering at all or caring about where he got off to."

Back to the present where the Bat Gang have been ambushed by League of Shadows Sleeper Agents, Tynion reminds everybody that Cassie Cain is the baddest ass motherfucking bad ass ever ever. Even badder assier than Shiva (whom, if you remember from a few seconds ago, he just showed was a complete bad ass!). I'm using the phrase "bad ass" so much that I might be overdoing it. I'm certainly not being consistent with it being hyphenated or not.

Cassie defeats most of the Sleeper Agents in one panel. She also knows that she's being watched. People know that's not a thing, right? You can't actually feel being watched. You can notice out of the periphery of your vision that it looks like somebody is staring at you but that's not the feeling of being watched. That's noticing somebody is fucking watching you. The "feeling of being watched" is a feeling that exists not because somebody is watching you but because you're fucking paranoid. And if you look up and around and make eye contact with somebody (who noticed you looking around and so glanced over), you feel vindicated in your paranoid feeling. Oh, but this is comic books! In comic books, you can totally feel you're being watched otherwise heroes often wouldn't be able to advance the plot. They'd just beat up all of these Sleeper Agents, dust off their hands, and say, "Well! That's that! Good work, everybody! Let's end this adventure and go home." Then the reader would be all, "Why is this comic book seventeen pages of ads?"

Cassie might be doing okay because she's the best that ever was, having been born and bread into killing. But the rest of the Bat Gang are having trouble, what with being stabbed in the back and in the front even.

Don't worry! None of these people will die from these wounds! Although if they do, not Batman's fault! They should have found better doctors. And even if the medical bills bankrupt them and the only way to continue to exist is to continue a life of crime and they die trying to get out from under their medical bills by any means, still not Batman's fault. And it's not like it's Batman's fault if they die from an infection since he sterilizes all of his batarangs before sticking them into the chests of criminals. If they die from an infection, it's their own fault for wearing grimy clothing.

While Clayface turns into a bunch of Clayfaces to defeat the League of Shadow Ninja Sleeper Agents, Cassandra Cain sneaks up on Shiva. That's another bit to bolster Cassandra's reputation. But just in case the reader is too dumb to understand what it means (being that the reader is a comic book reader and probably of below average intelligence), Shiva says, "Nobody sneaks up on me." I don't think she means that in an offended way like "How dare you sneak up on me?!" I think she means it literally.

Shiva and Cassie fight for a bit until Shiva grabs her by the throat and does that thing where a comic book character mentions something they shouldn't know about but obviously do because they're so remarkable. Shiva is all, "I know you see the hits!" Meaning she knows how every time the reader sees an assailant from Cassie's perspective, they have little hit boxes around their most vulnerable places. So Shiva is all, "I know you see the hits!" As opposed to just saying something like, "You aren't hitting me in places that would actually hurt and possibly kill me. Why are you holding back?" No. She says, "I know you see the hits. You see each of them, don't you?" Because that's the way Cassie's vision is shown to explain it to readers, Shiva expresses it in the same way.

Whatever. What do I care?! This is the kind of thing that is written in a way that completely annoys me at the most superficial level. But it's the type of thing that, when you complain about it, fangenders will argue around the actual thing being said to explain how it makes sense. Like I just did. We allow it because we understand the bottom line. We understand what is meant by this. Shiva fights Cassie and realizes Cassie is holding back. But I don't care that we, as readers, can become lawyers for the writing so that we ultimately understand it. I still think the writing shouldn't be a fucking barrier to me enjoying the comic.

But never mind all that! That's hardly a complaint at all, really! My real complaint is that this is another fucking comic book dealing with killing versus not killing. I'm so sick of that philosophical debate being the backbone for so many fucking stories. It's practically 90% of the television show Arrow (the other 10% is Oliver fucking every female character on the show because why else would a female be part of his world if he wasn't fucking her?). It keeps cropping up in The Flash TV show too, even though Barry is the least likely person in the DC Universe to kill somebody. He's such a putz! And the stink of the constant and never ending philosophical debate is all over nearly every comic book in the DC Universe. Now we've got Cassie Cain trying not to kill anymore (mostly because she feels bad about killing Spoiler's mom and because Batman won't ever hug her again if she kills) but her mother, Shiva, is all, "You're pathetic! Killing is the best!" Anyway, I guess I get to read more of this shit in this Court of Owls story. I mean League of Shadows story!

Batman comes to the rescue after Shiva gives Cassie the Five Fingers of Death (which isn't as sexy and incestuous as you're definitely thinking it is). It's a move that gives Cassie thirty seconds before she dies. I know that move! I also know a move which gives the victim one week before they die but I need a VHS tape to pull that one off.

This is another great way to make a character more powerful than the reader remembers. Just pretend they always lost on purpose in the past. Now Shiva is suddenly Batman's greatest foe and he didn't even know it! Surprise!

Shiva tells Batman she could kill him but she doesn't because she must be weak. I thought killing was good, Shiva! Later, when you think back on how Batman kicked your ass and destroyed your League of Shadows, you're going to regret not killing him! Just like superheroes constantly regret not killing villains and then I have to read another fucking story about whether or not they should kill! If you're into killing, you should fucking kill, dum-dum.

When the League of Shadows disappears in the proverbial smoke bomb, Batwing and Azrael go with them. Oh darn. Too bad. I'm so upset.

Could you tell by my punctuation and short, terse sentences that I wasn't really upset at all?!

Oh, meanwhile? The Gotham City Police want Batman's head for the murder of Mayor Hady. So that's another cliché Tynion is forcing down my throat. No, I say, no! I don't want this! I don't consent to another story about how a hero is framed and turned into the enemy because the police are ignorant barbarians who are easily manipulated into hate and violence. We have enough of that in the real world.

Later, Cassie gets a hug from Batman. That should make everything better.

The Ranking!
-1! Too many clichés for my tastes. And I generally love them!

Midnighter and Apollo #5

It doesn't look like the fight against Neron went too well for Midnighter.

• At the end of the last issue, Midnighter and Neron were about to fight over ownership of Apollo's soul. You'd think Apollo would have some say in that arrangement but forget him. He's in a bottle right now and people in bottles have no rights. Some people buying this issue might be thinking, "That cover is a fucking spoiler!" But to those people, I'd say, "Aha!" I'd begin with "Aha!" because that's how I begin all conversations with people. Coincidentally, I've been in conversations with at least six people who have immediately died of heart attacks. So, anyway, I'd say, "Aha! But comic book covers have never exactly been paragons of truth, have they? You can never trust the cover! This one shows Apollo getting ready to wrestle or get fucked, depending on if Neron's penis is out or not. And how many times have you seen a skeleton that just happens to be wearing the clothes of a friend you saw earlier that day? It's a common enough occurrence. And those dinosaur bones in the background are...well, I don't know why they are there. I guess all of the dinosaurs went to Hell because they didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

• The issue begins reminding the readers that Gregario (Extraño) placed a powerful being inside of Midnighter before Midnighter went to Hell. The comic book didn't go into details about how this was done but you know how. With a thing that's bigger than a breadbox: a black candle. Also black magic. But Gregario doesn't state explicitly who this powerful being is that's now waiting inside of Midnighter to give Midnighter seven minutes of heaven in Hell. I hope it's Etrigan. Although it's probably not Etrigan. But I would love it if it were Etrigan.

• Back in Castle Epistolarious, Neron decides to point out all of Midnighter's disadvantages before the fight begins. Just so readers know exactly how Neron might stand a chance. Midnighter has no access to his fight computer in Hell. He has no enhancements. He has no healing. He's already terribly wounded from his fight with The Mawzir. But he's still willing to fight for Apollo's soul because he loooOOOooooOOoooves him.

• Meanwhile, Apollo is inside a soundproof bottle screaming, "I already beat Neron with a trick question, dum-dum! Don't fight him! Besides, you don't have a right to fight for my soul, you arrogant, big-dicked bastard!"

Midnighter is what happens when somebody asks the question, "Does Batman pop a boner when he punches criminals in the face?"

• Midnighter releases the being inside of him and it turns out to be...I don't know who. It looks like Pacific Islander OMAC.

• Apparently it's some kind of angel and it's power and energy and life-force is just propping up Midnighter so he can do the actual fighting. According to Gregario, it hurts like a motherfucker. I probably could have been more descriptive about the way it hurts but from my experience, nothing hurts more than a motherfucker. I mean, you hear it all the time so it must be true. Do motherfuckers really hurt more than kidney stones?

• Technically, I'm not a motherfucker. Never fucked a mother in my life.

Is this because they kill people or because they engage in sodomy? Because I have an issue with one of those.

• I'm not going to say which I have an issue with, killing or sodomy. I don't want to lose conservative readers by saying I'm against killing.

• I also don't want to loose semi-illiterate readers so that's why I just used "loose" instead of "lose."

• Midnighter beats the crap out of Neron but then collapses when his seven minutes of heaven are up. Luckily Neron remains unconscious while Midnighter recovers from the being leaving him.

• Apollo breaks out of his bottle to cradle Midnighter in his arms. It doesn't last long before Apollo disappears. Neron explains that he destroyed Apollo's soul before Midnighter got there and it was all a lie because everything is lies in Hell. Especially the thing about Apollo having lost his challenge to Neron and is now non-existent. That's the biggest lie of all! Obviously Apollo won the challenge and now Neron is bitter and angry and he's going to take it out on Midnighter.

• What actually happened is Neron set Apollo free after Midnighter won because Apollo won the challenge as to why he was called Apollo. So now Apollo has to rescue Midnighter! Damn forlorn lovers. Always being all forlorn and shit.

• Don't worry! Next issue is the final issue. Everything will almost assuredly and most probably with a definite persistence of likelihood work out fine!

The Ranking!
+1! Hopefully the final issue is ten pages of Neron being pound into a fine paste and ten pages of Apollo being pounded into a fine orgasm.

Midnighter and Apollo #4

I like small cocks and I cannot lie!

Currently Midnighter is in Hell to rescue Apollo and kill The Mawzir. If you're wondering who The Mawzir is, I'm never speaking to you again because you obviously didn't read Hitman. Thus you suck and aren't worth my time. I know that's awfully harsh and judgmental but we all need a system to organize our lives or we'll just go mad juggling it all.

But Midnighter has a problem: the Ace of Winchesters lies broken at The Mawzir's feet. It's the only gun that can kill The Mawzir. I probably don't have to explain that to you since you read Hitman. If you didn't read Hitman, what are you still doing here? This blog post will still be waiting for you when you get back. And it will seem less rude after you've read Hitman. You'll be all, "Yeah, Tess! I've read Hitman too! Love me! Love me! Be my daddy! Not in a kink way but in a quite real and literal way because I've never had an adult male figure who loved me unconditionally!"

Apollo is in the Castle Epicaricacius where Neron lives. That seems a bit pretentious, right? How big does a domicile have to be before you can name it? I don't mean calling your stupid family home "The Smith House" or "The House of Smiths" semi-jokingly to your bland and boring neighbors whom you sometimes visit for dinner and cocktails while concealing a quiet rage at their theft of your personal time.

Midnighter is in The Vascular Gardens which sound disgusting. The Mawzir currently has him at a disadvantage. I mean, The Mawzir thinks he has Midnighter at a disadvantage but when has Midnighter ever been at a disadvantage? Even if his fight computers aren't working right in Hell, he's still a bad-ass fuckmonster with one Ace of Winchester bullet. So what if he doesn't have a gun to propel it into The Mawzir's skull? I'm pretty sure he can figure out how to do that some other way. It might take longer and be way more painful and gory, but he'll think of something.

The Mawzir is wearing a cowboy hat to complete his gunslinger look. Also it hides the swastika on his forehead because kids today are way too fucking sensitive to see something like that.

The Mawzir is one of my all-time favorite villains for a number of reasons that I will explain in this essay. This essay will explain the reasons I like The Mawzir. I like The Mawzir because he is a gunslinger. Gunslingers are cool even though they are inherently violent. That is because guns are weapons used for violence. I know that people say that people kill people but often times they use guns which were made to kill things and not made to butter toast. That is not a criticism of guns like gun nuts are thinking it is and fuming at the face simply because I said it. It is just a fact. The next reason I like The Mawzir is because he looks cool. John McCrea kicked the shit out of his work when he created The Mawzir. He went to work that day and he said, "Work? I hope you like getting your shit kicked because I am in a shit-kicking mood, for sure!" Then he created The Mawzir to look cool. The third and final reason (because essays need three reasons before concluding) I like The Mawzir is his cool attitude. It is cool to have an attitude like The Mawzir's which is why I find him cool. In summary, The Mawzir, for these three reasons, is one of my all-time favorite villains.

While Midnighter battles The Mawzir, Apollo faces off against Neron. Neron is busy gay-shaming Apollo although he's pretending Apollo is in Hell for reasons like pride and murder and more murder. I guess Neron doesn't mind being an evil demon from Hell who tortures, kills, and maims for pleasure but he doesn't want people thinking he's homophobic.

Midnighter manages to headbutt the bullet through The Mawzir's head, killing it. Probably just killing it until it's next appearance, really. Because who at DC Comics can allow The Mawzir to be dead for good?! He's too great a character. Plus he's a demon from Hell who technically wasn't shot by the Ace of Winchesters so he can't actually be dead. It's in the rules! But for now, it's good enough to get the story moving.

Midnighter did manage to get shot while battling The Mawzir and his healing factor probably doesn't work too well in Hell. But he'll still probably rescue Apollo because I don't think this story was written to just leave Midnighter and Apollo trapped in Hell, especially when Warren Ellis is on the verge of rebooting the Wildstorm Universe.

This year for Halloween, I should go as The Mawzir. It's either that or Stephanie from Lazytown.

While Midnighter continues to earn my love and respect for being a cool bad-ass motherfucker, Apollo finally begins worming his way into my heart.

Self-confidence is such a huge turn on. Probably because we most love in others that which we love about ourselves. And I am one confident motherfucker. Some might say arrogant or pretentious or cunt. And maybe they're right! But what the fuck do I care?! I'm loaded with love for myself and nobody can bring me down! Except maybe my mother.

Oh shit. I just remembered I haven't called my mom back when she left a message wishing me a Happy Merry Christmas!

Apollo decides to play his own game with Neron. If Neron can answer the question of why Apollo really calls himself Apollo, Neron can have Apollo's soul. Otherwise, Neron must give Apollo back his powers and free him. Neron is the kind of guy who loves to give up all the power he has for a chance to show he has all the power. Overconfidence is such a turn off! It's a fine line from Bonerville to Flaccidtown! But usually overconfidence is confidence stemming from ignorance and bravado and the need to prove something to others. Self-confidence is not giving a fuck about the assholes around you and just living your own life no matter how shitty they are to you.

Neron, being a weird idiot, somehow thinks the answer to Apollo's question is that Apollo thinks he's earned the right to call himself a God. Fucking dum-dum! You've been saying that this whole time! Why would Apollo ask you why he calls himself that if the answer is the thing you've been spouting non-stop since Apollo entered Castle Epicurious?! Think before speaking, you vile Twitter Egg!

Midnighter follows the path to the Mansion of Happiness to discover Apollo in a large glass flask next to Neron on his throne. Whether Neron's answer to Apollo's question was correct or not has yet to be revealed. Obviously it wasn't correct! But Midnighter doesn't know what's going on yet. He doesn't realize yet that his lover has already saved himself. But Neron sees another possible way to keep Apollo. With Apollo sealed away and unable to tell Midnighter that he's free, Neron offers Midnighter yet another deal for Apollo's soul. A fight between him and Midnighter with Apollo's soul as the prize. Can Midnighter even make that deal? I suppose Hell doesn't care too much about ownership laws.

Midnighter is pumped up with Extraño's dark and super gay magic which he's ready to switch on so he can beat Neron to death. But that won't happen until the next issue which is too bad because I really want to see Neron be beaten to death. Constantine let him off too easy.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! The Mawzir may have died but that's a small price to pay for such a romantic book.

Midnighter and Apollo #3

I found the clitoris!

The Midnighter has discovered that Apollo is currently in Hell so now that's where he needs to go to rescue him. That's convenient because Midnighter was almost certainly already planning on visiting Hell to kill The Mawzir! Two birds and all that!

Recently, somewhere, I heard a person say, "Two stones, one bird." They meant it earnestly as if they were saying the actual saying instead of making it into a new saying that means the exact opposite of the saying they were going for.

The method Midnighter uses to go to Hell is the same one my mother assured me would send me there!

This reminds me of the jump rope counting song we used to sing: "If you can't handle the whole black candle, you won't be going to Hell! One inch, two inch, three inch, four! Five inch, six inch, take a little more!" Then you just count!

Some of you might be thinking, "What kind of fucked up kids use that as a jump rope rhyme?" You'd be forgiven for not knowing (or remembering) that I went to a Satanic Elementary School.

Meanwhile in Hell, Neron and Apollo enjoy a rousing game of "Mansion of Happiness." It's like an old timey version of the Game of Life except it doesn't try to teach kids that insurance is a good thing. Insurance is the worst! It's like placing bets on your own ill fortune. It's also a scam because without insurance, everything that any kind of insurance covers would cost far less than it actually does. Without insurance, you'd actually be able to save the money you use on insurance and pay for things insurance would have covered yourself! Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here but there's a reason laws are made demanding everybody buy into the system. Also, insurance is a socialist idea that capitalists are trying to profit from. It's a way to force everybody who isn't unlucky to pay for the accidents which befall those klutzy, unlucky jerks reaping the windfall of all of our monthly payments! But guess what? We're all paying far too much on our premiums because we're not only paying to help cover other people's costs incurred by their bad luck, we also have to pay the salaries of all of the employees! And advertising! And other costs like toilet paper for the insurance company's offices! And you aren't even assured that your insurance will cover you when you have bad luck because they'll try their damnedest to prove that you don't deserve the pay out! Fuck you, The Game of Life, for normalizing insurance in the minds of squishy headed youngsters thinking they're just having a good time!

I've totally simplified insurance to make my point but you get it, right? It's a total scam! See? This paragraph totally backs up that last paragraph! Proof of concept!

If a stupid game can reveal hidden truths, then why aren't I a doctor with a wife and five kids who somehow discovered the Mona Lisa while driving along the turnpike?

Apollo is all, "No way, dude! It's not pride! It's sacrifice! Didn't you ever play Ultima IV?! You're using Lord Blackthorn's charts from Ultima V, dum-dum!"

On his next turn, Apollo lands on murder. The square is really cute and adorable with DC Comics Cain murdering DC Comics Abel with a farm implement. I grew up in the city so I can only call anything with a wooden handle with a metal bit on the end a "farm implement." I'm sure they all have different names but I've never needed to know them, so why learn them? Except for a hoe but that was only for the prostitute jokes.

Back on Earth, Midnighter is hunting for the Ace of Winchesters. I thought it was last given to the Lords of the Gun by Bendix for their help in killing Apollo but I could be mistaken because I read Issue #1 so long ago! Even if that was the case, I'm sure Midnighter will be able to track down the gun because he needs it to kill The Mawzir. He can't go to Hell just to rescue Apollo. He's got to do some serious killing and maiming while he's there or this series will just be a boring romance film.

Midnighter is able to locate a bullet for use with the Ace of Winchesters, so that might be enough. Or he's just going to have to fuck up the Lords of the Gun until they decide they'd rather not have every one of their internal organs torn out and then shoved back in by way of their anal sphincter anymore and just give up The Mawzir.

Apollo and Neron finish their game of "Mansion of Happiness" in much the same way all attempts to play The Game of Life end: in an argument. Neron shoves the board from the table and tells Apollo nobody ever beats him, probably because he never lets anybody finish, the sore loser. As that's taking place, Midnighter is getting his kill boner going on some minor demons of Hell. He's finally arrived and he's going to make sure he enjoys every minute of it.

Midnighter's first task is to hunt down the Lords of the Gun, take the Ace of Winchesters from them, load the gun, and kill The Mawzir, all while trying not to be killed by The Mawzir, presumably. But right from the beginning, everything goes tits up.

I hope one of Midnighter's skills is reforging rifles.

The Ranking!
No change! This whole Mawzir thing is just making me want to reread Hitman. I hope my Hitman comic books aren't in my mother's basement in California!

Midnighter and Apollo #2

White covers like this make me realize I really need to clean the glass on my scanner. Gross.

I have an irrational hatred of Jason Todd fans who reblog my more upbeat and positive commentaries on Scott Lobdell's Red Hood series. It portrays me as more reasonable and sensible and forgiving of Scott Lobdell's writing than I'd like to be portrayed. Please only reblog the ones where I discuss learning how to sew so that I can travel back in time and stitch up Lobdell's mother's vagina.

Hmm. You know what? Don't read that last paragraph. Or forget that you read it because even though the sentiment is "I wish Scott Lobdell had never been born," it comes across as misogynistic and violent towards women. Maybe reread it as me reading the Wikipedia article on performing castrations so I can go back in time and visit Scott Lobdell's grandfather. Then I'll just threaten him with castration if he doesn't sew up his daughter's vagina. With my luck, I'll probably accidentally visit his father's father which won't change anything I wanted changed at all!

You know what? Don't read that second paragraph either! This has really started out in a dark and disgusting place. Even I'm embarrassed for myself! Not because I wrote it but because my sense of pride won't allow me to delete it. All of my words, no matter how ugly and deformed and malicious, are my babies! I can't destroy them! This is why writers need editors. Because editors are cold-blooded assholes with a wicked grin, bloodlust in their eyes, and drying baby word blood all over their boot heels. Fucking monsters!

The moral of the story is that Jason Todd is a terrible character. Although I will admit he's more entertaining than Tim Drake.

At the end of the last issue, Bendix set a trap to lock Midnighter in a bunker with him where Midnighter wouldn't be able to save Apollo from being sent to hell by the Mawzir. In the months since I read that issue, I've often woken up in a cold sweat and thought, "Stop writing about sewing up women's vaginas! Giving birth to Lobdellian monsters isn't their fault!" No wait. What I wake up thinking is, "How does Bendix think he's going to survive after having Apollo killed? What is left to keep Midnighter from dismantling Bendix one cell at a time?" Then I jerk off into a sock to get ready for my day.

It almost feels like I'm writing this commentary to purposefully drive away people who found my blog thanks to Gail Simone! I don't think I am! I mean, I think I might be! But not the on purpose part! You know how people say "The heart wants what the heart wants"? I hate those people. I mean, I should say also, "The brain wants what the brain wants." And if you sit down in front of a keyboard and just let your thoughts spill out of you without any filter, sometimes you're going to say things that are funny, and sometimes you're going to say things that even Hitler probably would think twice about saying. And you know Hitler, right? He was apparently the worst person in the world. Although we might have to re-calibrate that now that Twitter exists. Some people are truly terrible and not pretend terrible like I've totally pretending to have been earlier in this commentary. Right?

Did you buy that? Maybe I should just say for the record, since it might have been called into question by this point, I'm totally and completely against sewing vaginas shut. I'm not even sure how vaginas work or if that could stop a woman from having a baby. All I know about the female anatomy is a riddle I was asked in fifth grade that I didn't understand for years: Why can't the Go-Gos have babies? Because their lips are sealed.

For a nerdy Lobot motherfucker, Bendix isn't as smart as I would have thought he was programmed to be.

The gauntlet that Midnighter must run to escape from the Bendix's Samoan Bunker (that sounds like a dessert I might one day invent) consists of a swarm of eagles with lasers on their heads, a screaming holograph of Thomas Jefferson that shoots eyeball lasers, GI Robot, a hail of throwing stars and arrows, vanilla pudding dropped from the ceiling like boiling oil, and a pit full of hungry babies. Midnighter manages to get through it all in time to stop Mawzir from shooting Apollo in the head. But I still think he's too late because the cover of the third issue shows Midnighter at the gates of Hell.

The Mawzir flees from Midnighter for some reason. Maybe because Midnighter reminds him too much of Tommy Monaghan. Or maybe The Mawzir is just smarter than me and knows when it's gone too far. Not that I've ever gone too far! Pshaw!

Oh! I've got an aside. Don't worry, it isn't about how truly stupid Donald Trump is. It's about the other Republicans in our government! Hey, Republican voters? I'm a big time liberal pinktard (is that what you call us?) and I don't totally disagree with some of Republican policies. I mean, I disagree with all of them currently (and probably have sense they decided governing should be closely related to elementary school recess interactions without an adult supervising (as I perceive it, that was sometime in the 90s after Clinton was elected and they were all butthurt that they weren't in control of filling their pockets with corporate and lobbyist money)). What I'm suggesting, Republican voters, is fucking do something about the people you want representing you. They're all selfish assholes who only care about maintaining their position of power and easy income. They don't fucking care about anybody and Trump is the best example of these monsters you've decided are somehow representative of the white working class (they're not. I'm fucking white working class and I would never agree with anything any of these current load of smegma-smelling idiots ever). Oh, I guess this was a little bit about Trump.

Shit. I just realized that off-topic paragraph was probably a waste of time. This is a comic book about two gay dudes! Why would a Republican be reading it?!

Stop fucking the bullet wound and get him to a hospital, you sicko perv!

Midnighter decides to put Apollo in a room pumping in solar energy to try to bring him back to life. I really hope that we don't have to put up with an Apollo Boy and a Cyborg Apollo and Apollo Steel followed by Red and Blue Electric Powered Apollo! I don't know if I could go through that again and I didn't even really pay attention to it the first time.

When the infusion of solar radiation doesn't seem to be working, Midnighter visits some guy named Extraño to find out where Apollo's soul went. It's so fucking obvious he went to Hell. You know why I think that. You know. I mentioned earlier how I've already seen the cover to Issue #3.

Midnighter discovers Apollo is in Hell being tortured by Neron. Uh oh. Apollo is in for a terrible time. Not because he's in Hell! But because shit rolls downhill and Neron has just recently been shat all over by Constantine. He's definitely looking to make somebody else's life crazy miserable. And by life, I guess I mean death?

Midnighter decides he's going to go save Apollo. Do you think he already knows how this ends? I do and he'd better not fucking look back on the way out!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! Reading well-written Midnighter stories makes me happy. It's like reading Batman stories but where Batman doesn't have a huge stick up his ass. Instead he has a huge dick up his ass! Har har! That joke was entirely too immature even for this blog because I really meant the thing about Midnighter being like Batman minus the stick up his ass. Comparing it to another thing that happened to me today — finding a used sanitary napkin on top of my work clothes — I'd say this is the best comic book I've ever read in my entire life! Also enjoyable today: using the term "sanitary napkin"! Now I'm picturing a vagina dabbing daintily at its ketchup-stained lips after removing the hot dog from its orifice. At a picnic, of course!

Midnighter and Apollo #1

Why did they add the "and"?! If a comic book finally deserved to have "love" added between the names of the title characters, it's probably this one!

The Commentary!
Apparently there's a professional wrestling event being televised right now but I wasn't really in the mood for something so homoerotic. So instead I'll read this!

But first, a word from DC's sponsor!

I hope this isn't targeted at gay people because it's giving me a boner.

At one point, I was a fan of Apollo and Midnighter. But ever since they broke up and Midnighter moved on, I've realized they're better off apart. Mostly because Apollo is a super boring loser. I suppose that makes sense because he was meant to be Hyper-Superman and Superman is a regular boring loser. But Batman is super ultra cool which makes Midnighter mega super duper ultra cool! And I just don't think it's fair to Midnighter to be shackled to a boring prig. Also Apollo is blond and uck! Midnighter needs a swarthy, dark-haired, probably musky fellow with an indeterminate accent! Or Dick Grayson. Anyway, I'm sorry to say, Apollo, you're just not good enough for Midnighter anymore. I hope this series ends with your death.

This issue begins with Midnighter confronting some Los Angeles subway pirates. Now I wish subway pirates were a real thing. And I don't mean a real thing as in a Craigslist ad for a flash mob calling for people dressed as pirates to invade a subway at a specific time and place. I want a real gang of terrible people swarming all over subway cars in search of booty.

Midnighter is after the subway pirates because they've kidnapped a bunch of children to fuel the God Train. The God Train is a giant humanoid made out of subway cars. It's like an inner city Voltron. It's also a bit like the shitty knock-off robot toy your grandmother buys you for your birthday when you ask for Optimus Prime. And even though the disappointment breaks your heart as you open the present and see shit where glory should have been, you can't even complain about it because your grandmother is sitting there with a huge grin across her face convinced that she got you exactly what you wanted. Stupid old biddy.

After the children are saved and the Train God deconstructed, Midnighter and Apollo have dinner with Tony and Marina. Tony is Midnighter's heterosexual friend who owns a bar and Marina is Midnighter's Penny One except he calls her Asset 14. Unless those things are wrong and I'm misremembering the Midnighter series. You would think writing about the books as I read them would help me remember them. But I think it's the opposite. I think I get so involved in the things I'm writing, I don't pay as close attention to the book as I should. Plus I lie a lot about what actually happened in the comic book and later can only remember the lie.

After dinner, Midnighter and Apollo do whatever it is gay guys do when they're dating. Fall sleep on the couch watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

Or whatever this is!

After Coitus Broadway Musicalis, Apollo and Midnighter have one of those discussions I'm really getting tired of. It's that one where one hero says, "Killing is bad!" And then the other hero says, "Killing is good!" Why does it have to be one or the other? Midnighter says, "Some people just need to be killed." And I think that gets to the heart of it, even though when Midnighter says "some," he actually means "all." The issue shouldn't be that a hero should never kill a bad guy. Sometimes, a supervillain should be killed! Especially when the asshole has returned for the sixty-fifth time in three years and has murdered bunches of people upon each return. I can forgive certain characters for not killing, like Batman and Superman. Superman never needs to because he's all powerful. Batman never needs to because he'll get a taste for how easy it is and the next thing you know, the only punishment for breaking a law in Gotham will be death by Batman. Which is kind of the way it goes with Midnighter. He did kill an awful lot of Subway Pirates, many of whom probably just liked dressing up as pirates and hanging out on the subway and knew nothing of the kidnapped children. Although I'm not going to cry over a bunch of corpses of people who liked dressing up as pirates in public. Good riddance!

Meanwhile in Gotham's Oblivion Bar, Henry Bendix is searching for somebody to destroy Apollo and Midnighter. The only person--er, people--um, demons?--willing to take him up on the offer are the Lords of the Gun. For payment, Bendix gives them the Ace of Winchesters, the only weapon able to destroy them. The last time I saw this gun was in Hitman during the "Ace of Killers" story! Has it taken the Lords of the Gun all this time to get the weapon back to hell?

Bendix is just engaging in self-preservation since Midnighter is currently looking for him. And as noted earlier, Midnighter doesn't seek out villains just to let a court decide their fate. And when Midnighter finally finds Bendix in his hidey-hole, Bendix is waiting to trap Midnighter. He locks Midnighter in the bunker with him while the Mawzir attacks Apollo and Opal City.

I see the Mawzir dropped the swastika from his forehead!

Apollo cannot escape the power of Mawzir's bullets and finds himself in Hell after being shot. So this series is going to be Midnighter versus all Hell? I've got ten bucks on Midnighter!

The Ranking!
+2! Heck, I should bump that up to +3 just for having Mawzir and the Lords of the Gun as guest stars! I talk about how poorly I remember comic books (I just did it right here in this commentary!) but I have to admit there are a few exceptions. Hitman is one of them. Oh! Maybe Midnighter will rescue Tommy Monoghan who is surely in Hell, right?! RIGHT, DC COMICS?!

Oh! And also? Apollo died just like I wished! Ha ha!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22

The Robins only care about restoring Batman's memory because he hasn't paid allowance for six months.

I don't normally post on Facebook because I'm way too facetious for most of my family. Every now and then, I'll post something on a whim. Like today I posted this: "Since I don't currently have a child, pet, or meal to photograph, I'll just say God doesn't exist. Enjoy!" People who aren't instantly butthurt by the idea that an atheist has a right to express their viewpoint just like Christians might possibly get the joke. People post lighthearted shit on Facebook and it's generally of the same few topics. I didn't have a picture of any of those, so I said God doesn't exist and asked people to enjoy my share. Even if I don't believe in God, it's obviously a fucking joke, right? "I don't have any bullshit to share so here's something heavy as fuck!" I mean, I don't think declaring God doesn't exist is heavy but, well, you know. It's Facebook! Anyway, my aunt follows up with this:

Shirt Boy is just a nickname for my deceased cat Judas. She knows he's dead. Now she thinks it's cute to use his loss to testify about God and heaven! But what the fuck is up with those emoticons?! Is she laughing about my dead friend?! Those better be tears of sorrow, bitch! I'm calling the emoticon a bitch and not my Aunt! Maybe!

The Non-Certified Spouse decided to take the question literally and explain that Judas is nowhere because he's dead. Also he's not with any God. He's just dead. He's in the backyard under a statue garden I set up which includes some Sailor Moon figures. So my Aunt continues her kindhearted Christian line of questioning.

Holy shit, Melva! Slow your roll!

I had typed out "Yes, he's currently sucking the devil's cock while being raped by demons." But then I deleted it because I already started some shit I didn't mean to start by being lighthearted and facetious in the first place. Some might not think a statement about sucking Satan's cock and being raped by demons is lighthearted. Which is why I sometimes get into this small scale bullshit on Facebook. It's one of the reasons I rarely respond to people because they're all so fucking serious about everything! I don't even mind she said my beloved friend of fifteen years is in hell! Because it's silly. I know exactly where he is! I wonder if I should dig him up for a picture and post it to Melva's wall? "Heeeeeeeeeere's Shirtboy!"

Being too serious about everything is super lame! And yes, person whose going to call me out for using the word because they need to feel some kind of power in their meager lives, I mean "lame" in the ableist way and not in the modern way which in no way is meant to be a slight against people like Donald Blake! He's so fucking lame he can't even tell Jane Foster he loves her! I mean, maybe he can and has already. I have never read a modern Marvel comic book about Thor!

Time to take seriously a comic book about a bunch of kids who think a psycho with a bat fetish is their dad!

Ooh! Genevieve Valentine is scripting this issue! Be still my aching penis!

The Robins are having a tough time figuring out where to begin to stop Mother's plans. But Dick Grayson has an idea!

Damian had to say "Grayson" because saying "Dick" here would have been to ambiguous.

It's time for Damian to tell all of the Robins about how much of a gigantic pusshole Batman really was! I bet Damian once walked into him weeping over family pictures of all of his children and mumbling through a snot waterfall, "I love you all! You're all so special in your own ways and cock sizes! But for some idiotic reason that I can't comprehend because it feels like some jerkoff editors are controlling my life, I can never tell them how much they all mean to me!"

I was close with my "special in your own ways and cock sizes" prediction.

Damian pulls out his cock and shows the others it's bigger than all of theirs combined. Metaphorically! Don't be disgusting! He's just a little boy! Eugh. Why would you even think I meant that literally, you perv?!

While the Robins come up with a plan that's better than "Let's give up!", Mother activates the Ichthys Protocol. Or Subroutine. Or Virus. Whatever. She turns on the satellite that will make all of the children of the world into her soldiers. Or dead. Or, I suppose, not her soldiers and not dead. I mean, Jason Todd fought against Ichthys. I'm sure a few other random kids will too. But they won't be important to the story so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned them!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. That Plus Two was absolutely earned because of Genevieve's script and the scene with Damian and Bruce. I'm so sick of angry, psychotic, grim Bruce Wayne! That moment was the truest Batman I've ever read! Okay, that was hyperbole. Maybe I should have said, "That was the truest Batman I can remember reading!" That's better because I really don't remember much of what I read. What a waste of life, right?! Why do I even bother if I only retain about ten percent of any media I consume! I'm such an idiot! I couldn't even spell "idiot" right the first time I typed it! I'm the worst!

No. Wait. My aunt is the worst!

Batman and Robin Eternal #14

Fish mouth. Left Batleg way too fucking long. Weird, incomprehensible smoke wafting out of an object. Just enough style and competency for Fangenders to rave about it. Must be a David Finch cover.

The internet is so full of free shit that nobody should be surprised when people feel entitled to it all for free. So I'd like to thank the people who are supporting me for doing something which I love to do but really can't see doing for much longer if it doesn't provide income. I guess I spend a lot of time playing Call of Duty and masturbating for free but I'm uncomfortable turning those hobbies into revenues sources. For one, I'd really have to bone up on my trash talk on Call of Duty. I suppose all the things I say to myself after masturbating would work! "You suck! You're garbage! You should just kill yourself, you pathetic, lustful, hellbound monster!" Well, most of it would work.

Anyway, the reason I decided to use Patreon for revenue was because most sites probably won't mind me criticizing a comic book but they might think twice about me criticizing a writer's mother's vagina and the writer's father's malformed penis (the writer I'm talking about knows who he is). The other option which most people use is advertising. Fuck advertising. For one of the few really popular sites on the web, I could see advertising working just fine. They could pick and choose who they want to advertise with them. They'd have total control. But as small blog on the web, I feel like I wouldn't have enough control over the ads that would appear on the site. Besides, Google wouldn't let me use their advertising service because, apparently, their advertisers don't want to show up on sites that are adult. I'm not using "adult" as a euphemism for "porn." I mean "adult" as in writing that speaks frankly about things adults talk about. And by "adults" in that last sentence, I mean "most likely non-American adults because American adults are fucking prudish, childish grownups."

I'd still like to provide my "reviews" for free but it's a compromise I have to make so that people who pay get something more than people who don't pay. Because I prefer receiving one dollar over a bunch of likes and reblogs. What kind of capital is that?! What is the exchange rate on reblogs?

When this site began, it was mostly to get me writing daily and to help me remember the comic books (and to get more out of them than a quick ten minute read and done). Then I thought maybe I could build an audience for when I write something real. Then I realized I was writing something real a couple times a day every single day and it was how I wanted to spend my time writing. So now I'm asking for money. It may or may not be internet blasphemy but it's the choice I've made. You'd think it would be supported when you see the hundreds of thousands of reblogs on posts about how artists should get paid for their art. But, of course, those are reblogged by people who don't actually want to be the ones paying for the art they want to consume; they're by people who want businesses to pay for the art that they want to consume for free. You know what? Fuck those shits. Although here's a free Batman and Robin Eternal review for them (and everybody else!) to enjoy!

Keep reading

Batman and Robin Eternal #11

Cover by Brendan McCarthy if he were doing a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

I know the cover isn't by Brendan McCarthy. It's only a pale reminiscence of a memory of a shade of something McCarthy could put together. That doesn't mean I don't like it, Guillem. Don't start fucking getting quiet on me because you think I'm insulting your work. Buck up, Hasbro. That's my new nickname for everybody: Hasbro. I've just decided on it.

Harper and Dick have just met a woman named The Sculptor in David Cain's house. She apparently wanted to be found but if I were a supervillain and a hero walked into my home, I'd also be all, "Oh! Hey! You finally figured out where I live! Took you long enough! I left so many clues! Gosh, you must be a dum-dum!" Then I'd call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. But The Sculptor seems to really have wanted to be found. She works for Mother but she seems to think it's time Mother is stopped. I guess Mother isn't increasing salaries to cover inflation. If only every worker would turn against their employers when conditions weren't as satisfactory as we all know they should be! Stupid workers who have to work because they're in debt, have a mortgage, and need to take care of their kids! Who falls for those obvious traps set up by a capitalist system?! Idiots, that's who!

The Sculptor does a "mindshare" with Bluebird to pass on the information they need to find Mother so they can keep Mother from destroying her inventory because it can all lead back to her. By the way, her inventory is made up of children.

In the Mindshare, Harper learns Cassandra Cain's origin story. She was raised without speech. She was not spoken to and thus never learned to speak herself. Look, this is a fucking comic book, okay?! Nobody's trying to convince us that science and experience rule here! Obviously even without somebody speaking to her, she'd have made noises! David probably taught her not to make noises by punishing her for every noise she made. Which brings us to the next inconceivable part of her upbringing! The theory was that by not speaking to her, Cassandra would learn to communicate through body language. Presumably that is what happened. But since the only body she was reading in the whole time she was growing up was her father's, the only language she actually learned was that of her father's body language. When I took a speech class in college, the question came up at the end of the course if we felt more comfortable with public speaking. My answer was that I wasn't more comfortable speaking in public at all; I was just more comfortable speaking in front of that particular group of people who I'd come to know over the semester! Cassandra's method of reading people wouldn't work at all once she met a second person who wasn't a complete fucking sociopath.

Now that I got the rant over, I'm just going to go with it and buy into the story. Cassie Cain is remarkable at reading body language and can always guess what a person is about to do well before they do it.

So now she knows two body language phrases: "I'm a gigantic asshole" and "Please don't kill me I don't want to die!" Technically that's three phrases.

Cassandra becomes the best fighter in the world even though she didn't spend years traveling around the world learning from all of the masters of every style ever invented. What I'm trying to say is that she hasn't gone up against Batman yet! That might be in this origin story though because Batman had to encounter her in the past at some point to give her that pack of Batgum that started this whole story.

David Cain presents Cassandra to Mother to show her that he can sculpt children better than The Sculptor. Mother isn't so keen on his method.

Oh, so I guess she understands some language! Unless she heard his body language from behind her.

After The Orphan is chastised by Mother, Harper is taken to a memory of Cassandra in Gotham where Cassandra slits a woman's throat. But Cassandra cries after so that makes up for it. I mean, it doesn't but it allows the reader to feel sympathy for Cassandra because she obviously doesn't want to kill but she was raised to kill and now she's just as much a victim as the woman whose throat she cut. Sort of. I mean, she's not dead or anything so she's not really "as much a victim" as the dead woman. But all the right things were said about her past to make people feel sorry for her and want to hug her and forgive her for murdering the woman who they know nothing about but who was probably a corporate CEO cheating her employees so fuck her.

Harper's last image in the Mindshare is of Batman confirming his purchase of a new Robin. Dick yanks her out of the Mindshare before she can see the new Robin so now Dick has to risk doing the Mindshare himself. He just can't let it go, can he? So Batman wanted a better Robin?! So what! He obviously couldn't find a better one because look at what he wound up with after Dick left? Jason and Tim! The only way to get a better Robin was to ejaculate into a condom and not throw it away somewhere where Talia al Ghul wouldn't have access to it!

The issue ends with Dick and The Sculptor tumbling into a Mindshare fucked up by Dick's Spyral technology. It just teases us with the identity of Batman's purchased Robin! It just pulls its underwear most of the way down its completely shaved pubis so that the top of its turgid member pokes out of its underwear and expects us to just sit there and not shove anything down our throats! Now I just have to spend all week bluebrained with this unrevealed knowledge?! Jerks!

Batman and Robin Eternal #11 Rating: No change. This was The New 52 Origin Story of Cassandra Cain and not much else. She was abused but it made her the greatest fighter in the world so it was probably worth it. I mean, of course it wasn't worth it and I'm crying my eyes out here and not rolling them at all! I suppose if I had some sort of Nanny Complex or weird Munchhausen By Fictional Proxy Syndrome, I'd be all into Cassie as my new favorite character. Also I used MBFPS incorrectly simply because I wanted to use it. I'm writing these words and I'll manipulate them in any way I want! Also if you thought it sounded right, forget what I just said because I was lying and it totally works in context.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “As always, Tessatechaitea’s article is really, really funny, but also makes some serious points I haven’t yet seen in other reviews. Go read!” She might not have been saying that about this review in particular but I'd like to think she thought the cock tease bit was a serious point. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Detective Comics #44

I can tell I'm not in the mood to make fun of comic books when I can't think of a witty way to call this cover boring.

This issue begins with Detective Yip receiving a large cash payout from a Falcone. That's one of the biggest criminal names in the city so I have a suspicion that the transaction was for something nefarious. I wish I could make an envelope full of cash for doing horrible things. As long as those things weren't too strenuous. If I had to put a lot of effort into being a criminal, I'd rather just continue to do shitty physical labor for piddling amounts of money. I'm sure Yip just passed along some information. If only I had some information that somebody would pay a lot of money for! Although everything I know will eventually wind up in a comic book review, so anybody wanting to learn anything from me can get it for free. They'll just have to wait and wade through dozens of posts about how I feel more emotionally attached to comic book characters than to my parents.

Meanwhile, Commissioner Batman begins his battle with the Joker Robot.

The Honey Bunny Bat Armor was financed by Wayne Enterprises and The Powers Corporation. Who the hell backed Jokerbot 9000?!

Yip, Bullock, and Montoya head for the Jokerbot because they love to stand around ineffectually as they completely fail their city. Yip tries to get them to head to the circus because she's probably not as dirty as everybody thinks she is. She knows about some crime (probably that Cirque de Assassanation that's about to go down) that mere human detectives actually have a chance to avert. But Montoya seems obsessed with getting killed by the Jokerbot so she drives directly at it which doesn't turn out so well.

JOKERBOT SMAAAA...should probably think up a different sound effect when destroying things.

Luckily Commissioner Batman is nearby to catch the car before everybody inside of it dies. I think this might be part of the Sneak Peek, so Yip needs to pretend to be stuck in the truck now as it explodes instead of obviously sneaking out the back.

Montoya and Bullock get clear of the truck but Yip is stuck inside. She points out that they need to get to the circus because the assassination is going to happen during the rehearsal like I pointed out it probably would fifteen issues ago. I think it was that many issues ago. It feels like this story has been going for over a year, right? Anyway, Harvey moves Montoya away from the van and then lights the gas leaking out of it and blows Yip to hell. Except I'm sure Commissioner Batman saved her while Montoya and Harvey weren't looking. That's why Harvey lights the gas without any hesitation. I'm sure his plan with Commissioner Batman to "kill" Yip was just to make it look like she'd been killed so everybody stops trying to bust her ass. Especially those assholes Keyes and Alvarez. And now with the information he received from Yip before blowing her up, Harvey can clear her name by pointing out she wasn't dirty at all! She was clean! And helpful!

The Day of the Dead gang members freed by Jokerbot 9000 have gone back to the circus to perform and to also shoot somebody in the throat. I forget who the cops are protecting. Does it matter?

See? It doesn't matter! The cops should be protecting themselves. I hope the targets are Keyes and Alvarez!

Commissioner Batman and his crew, Julia and Daryl, figure out a way to make Jokerbot overheat. The core explodes and Jokerbot's massive amount of armor contains the blast. The Joker's Daughter ejects out of the head where she was controlling it. I guess the Falcone family paid for this monstrosity. Although why they would hire a fifteen year old runaway to drive it is beyond my almost human comprehension.

Holy crap! I just realized the purpose of this story!

Manapul must have been tasked with cleaning up some of Ann Nocenti's mess! So he has Commissioner Batman nearly explode The Joker's Daughter's head by backhanding her with a super powered suit of armor. Normally I would feel this was out of character for Gordon to strike a young girl who was posing no threat but she poses a bigger threat than anybody realizes! She could get her Ann Nocenti taint all over the DCYou! So he's got to send her off to Arkham where she can develop a new back story and a different personality. And if Manapul is picking up a bunch of Nocenti's socks she left lying around the Youniverse, he might as well take care of Detective Keyes as well! I know Alvarez and Keyes are being used in Catwoman right now but if just Keyes is killed, Alvarez can continue to do what he's doing over in Catwoman. And that works out perfectly because Keyes was created by Ann Nocenti while Alvarez first appeared in Winick's Catwoman run!

Yes! Yes! Do it! Do it!

Normally I wouldn't be this excited about the death of a Gotham cop but Ann Nocenti tortured me for years with her awful stories featuring Green Arrow, Katana, Klarion, and Catwoman. I would never wish actual harm on a real person so I'm going to take out all of my hatred on poor Detective Keyes. Sorry, Detective, but somebody has to pay the piper.

Who's responsibility is it usually to pay the piper? And which piper is being paid? A guy who lays non-sexual pipe? A guy who plays a flute? A guy who lays sexual pipe? A guy who plays the sexual flute?

Commissioner Batman blows the lights with an EMP just before Keyes can be killed. He beats up the Day of the Dead assassins and saves the day. Jerk.

The explanation for the story comes next just in case you weren't as clear as I was on what was happening. See, Yip sold the cop seating chart to Stefano Falcone so that the Falcones could pay the Day of the Dead assassins to kill all of the cops who refused to take money from him. That would have been Keyes and Alvarez, dammit! Why couldn't you wait just three more seconds, Gordon?!

It turns out The Joker's Daughter didn't get any money from Falcone. She just kidnapped a Powers Corp scientist to build the Jokerbot 9000 for her because she wanted a Robot Joker to match the Batman robot. I have no idea where she got the money or the materials to fund the thing. I doubt the scientist came with hundreds of millions of dollars.

Bullock lets Gordon know that Yip's death was faked to keep her safe and now she's in witness protection. He's a bit upset about it because she actually enjoyed fucking him and he doesn't find people with that kind of bad taste in men often. So now he's depressed that he's not getting laid and his new partner is a lesbian.

Detective Comics #44 Rating: No change. This was a satisfying conclusion to a story arc that was probably an issue or two longer than it needed to be. Every plot point except how The Joker's Daughter funded her Jokerbot 9000 was telegraphed early and concluded in exactly the way everybody guessed they would conclude. Anyway, now that Montoya and Bullock are officially partners, I would like to petition to have Detective Comics be only about the detectives in the Gotham Police Department. I think Commissioner Batman can make appearances but he shouldn't be the main thrust of this comic book. Although I think Commissioner Batman should have less on-panel time than Bullock's cats. How about a back-up feature starring them? DC Comics would do well to have more cat characters in their Youniverse.

Detective Comics #43

"The Ghost in the Machine." Thank you, half-Spanish brain which totally allows me to understand Spanish completely and infallibly.

Has anybody noticed how easily the Honey Bunny Bat Armor keeps getting taken out in every single comic book Commissioner Batman appears in? Over in Batgirl, it was shorted out and completely locked up. Earlier in this series, the knee joints were shot out and it locked up. I think over in Batman, somebody looked at it funny and it locked up. I'm beginning to think this entire Robot Batman Program is a huge boondoggle.

Oh yeah! And at the end of the last issue, the Honey Bunny Bat Armor? Completely locked up. So Commissioner Batman had to manually eject himself from the armor to beat up the bad guys with his old man fists. Probably not a great idea but then that's why it was a cliffhanger last month! See, ending an issue where Batman has the upper hand and he's about to kick the bad guy's ass doesn't constitute a cliffhanger. That's just a poor place to end the comic book. No, the main character's life must be threatened! Then the stupid, Pavlovian readers (meaning readers who torture dogs) flip out waiting to find out how Batman survives what is obviously a completely hopeless situation.

This issue begins with Bullock being more worried than the readers because we know there's no such thing as a completely hopeless situation! Even when Batman died in Issue #40, we all scoffed our cynical little scoffs and went back to our daily routine without a worried thought about Batman's eventual well being. Bullock, Montoya, and Yip rush in to rescue Commissioner Batman only to find that he's beaten up all the bad guys without any help from the Honey Bunny Bat Armor. He is a little bit out of breath though or else it wouldn't be very realistic. I mean, sure, realistic would be Commissioner Gordon's skull caved in and him trying to stutter out the name of his daughter as he seizes, strokes, and dies. But this is comic book realism! That means us morons who read it are willing to believe anything the writers write because we paid four fucking dollars to read it.

The detectives find that while Commissioner Batman was beating up a few of the Day of the Dead Fanatics, some others were stealing the power core out of the Honey Bunny Bat Armor.

Montoya is having an affair with this robot.

While everybody discusses what a dirty, dirty slut and/or cop Yip is, the Day of the Dead Fanatic turns the power core over to The Joker's Daughter. What does a fifteen year old psychopath need with a fusion reactor? Also how did the Gotham Police Department get their hands on a fusion reactor?

I apologize for calling The Joker's Daughter a psychopath. It's more like she's a whiny fucking teenaged brat who thought her parents were abusive assholes when they were simply trying to feed her and provide shelter for her. Also, I hate The Joker's Daughter because she has mostly been written by Ann Nocenti since The New 52 began. I'm not one to bash people for just trying to do their jobs so I won't remind everybody about how poorly Ann Nocenti has done hers. Suffice to say, The Joker's Daughter's characterization has been abysmal.

The Joker's Daughter and her scary faced friends are holding some guy hostage. I bet it's somebody close to Yip which is why she's selling out the Gotham Police! It's why Bullock, Montoya, and Commissioner Batman will have to fake Yip's death. Which would probably just get this guy killed but since this is comic book realism, he'll be okay.

Bullock confronts Yip about being dirty but she doesn't give him any reasons why she turned on them. Of course not! That would be too much information! Readers of comic books can't handle much information before they get so confused about the story from month to month that they stop caring about the comic book. Just look at Catwoman! There are like sixteen different relationships going on between sixteen different people. I have no idea who can trust who! Oh! Maybe that's the idea! The reader is supposed to be experiencing the same sense of uncertainty that Selina is feeling.

Here's a scene with the two most boring cops in Gotham City with some plot stuff I didn't bother to discuss.

After Bullock realizes everybody knows Yip is dirty, he asks Gordon if Gordon will help him kill Yip. He obviously means "help me make it look like Yip was killed so that Montoya, Alvarez, and Keyes get off my big fat ass about her." But he can't say that where the readers will read it or else the story loses all of its tension. But anybody reading this who thinks James Gordon is actually going to help kill a cop, dirty or otherwise, must be a Marvel fan and they're only reading this comic book to make fun of it.

Gordon goes home to take one Advil instead of eighteen of the other leading brands of pain relief while the Cirque de Sowhat drill commences without him. I bet the assassination attempt is going to happen during the drill, right?! Am I right? You'd tell me if I was right, right? The suspense is killing me! Maybe I'll skip ahead a few pages and see if I'm right!

No, no! If I skip too far, I might catch a glimpse of Brenden Fletcher's goofy mug and my whole night will be ruined.

The Day of the Dead Fanatics are being transported at the same time as the Circus Drill which really seems like poor timing considering how all of this stuff is kind of tied together. The transport is hit and the Day of the Dead guys escape so that they can go make their Falcone hit on somebody at the Circus. Meanwhile Commissioner Batman is forced to suit up again and investigate the prisoner's escape only to run into his lost power core. It's currently being used by a massive Honey Bunny Joker Bot. Surprise!

I suppose the Jokerbot is being controlled by The Joker's Daughter since she paid to have the core stolen. The real question is this: "Where did The Joker's Daughter get enough money to fund this massive robot project and to pay some of the best mercenaries in the business to steal the battery for the robot?" Maybe all of her followers busk eighteen hours a day to fund The Joker's Daughter's Giant Jokerbot Project?

Detective Comics #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't really know what to think about this comic book right now. I want to see more of Harvey Dent in action but the story here is moving at the slowest pace of any comic book I've ever read in my life! I think the appearance of the Jokerbot was supposed to make everybody reading forget how long it took to get to it. We're now three issues past the Sneak Peek comic in Convergence: Justice League #2 and the story still hasn't caught up to the story where Yip is killed by her teammates. It's definitely closer but I think I've completely lost interest in it. How about we all just forget it ever happened and pretend that only this Jokerbot plot matters from here on out. Deal?

Detective Comics #42

This cover is too artsy for me. And by "artsy," I mean "incomprehensible." And by "me," I mean stupid dumb idiot moron.

If Harvey Bullock is now the main character of Detective Comics, shouldn't Harvey Bullock be on the cover? Does DC Comics have an issue with putting fat slobs on the cover? Oh, don't get your twisters in a knick! I mean Harvey is both fat and a slob not that all fat people are slobs. I suppose if Harvey were on the cover, some people might pick this comic book up thinking it's the new issue of Section Eight.

Last issue ended with Montoya, Yip, and Bullock rushing off to save Commissioner Batman's ass. Only one of those three officers to the rescue do not currently have cum dripping down the inside of their leg.

Commissioner Batman is having trouble battling bad guys in skeleton costumes with automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades. Such an amateur. He's going to have a new found respect for Batman when Batman comes back. Maybe that's Batman's plan! The Gotham Police will see firsthand just how super duper expensive it can be to battle the real threats to Gotham City. When he finally returns, they'll be all, "Oh yeah, buddy! You can go back to being a vigilante as long as you pick up the tab. Mad respect for however you please Bruce Wayne on a regular basis to convince him to pay for all the battle gear you blow up each week and all the explosives (non-lethal, of course!) you use! You must be real nice to him, right? Wink wink! Nudge nudge. Coughhomocough." I imagine Gotham Cops aren't very subtle and spend most of their time either calling another cop gay or protesting that they're not gay after another cop called them gay.

The skeleton gang fail to kill Commissioner Batman (which it seems was the whole point of the attack) but they do put the Honey Bunny Bat Armor out of commission by shooting out its knee joints. So for the cost of two bullets, Commissioner Batman's armor needs to go back to the shop for what will probably be millions of dollars in repairs. I think the Skeleton Gang wins this round.

Since returning to the Gotham Police Department, Renee Montoya has noticed that there are an awful lot of dirty cops.

I wonder what impressed Yip the most about Bullock? His gruff, no-nonsense attitude, or the smell of the litter box in the middle of his studio apartment?

Later that night, Jim Gordon stops by to pout. "Nobody likes me," he says. "They all think I'm stupid," he says. "They're all laughing at me," he says. "If Batman comes back, he's going to kick my ass for turning him into a laughingstock," he says. All of those things are true, especially the last one. Bullock just listens and drinks his beers and says, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman?"

The backup Batman team of Yip, Montoya, and Bullock stand around waiting for Commissioner Batman to fuck up so they can swoop in and delay the bad guys until Alvarez and Keyes show up. Yip goes off to get some coffee and hops immediately on the phone. Bullock says to Renee, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman? And I never get to do that so could you check on this number that keeps calling her cell phone because I don't want somebody else fucking Yip because then she might stop letting me fuck her." And Renee is all, "You realize how Yip is always the object of the sentence when you talk about the two of you fucking, right? You know she's also fucking you, right? The only difference is she'd probably never tell anybody about it." So now Renee is going to find out that Yip is in contact with cop killers!

The Skeleton Crew ambush Commissioner Batman and short circuit his suit. So he gets out of his suit to fight them hand to hand. It's a good thing the armor release mechanism is manually activated! Or a bad thing because Jim is probably going to get his ass kicked next issue.

Detective Comics #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like the interactions between Montoya and Bullock but they're too short and not often enough. Like last issue, it didn't feel like there was really a lot going on. The "Yip is a Dirty Rat Cop" plot continues to slowly slouch toward the story that was already told in the Sneak Peek. I have a feeling the whole point of the Sneak Peek was to make the reader think the other cops discover Yip's dirty secret and are forced to kill her on duty to make it look like an accident. But it has to be misdirection or else it means almost nothing except to make these current issues of Detective Comics without tension. So the Backup Batcrew will probably discover Yip is betraying the Gotham Police but they'll find out that she's being extorted or blackmailed. Whatever the case, it'll be against her will. And the only way to get the bad guys off of her case is to fake her own death. Aside from the Sneak Peek kind of ruining the pacing of Detective Comics if what it portrayed was true (and even if it is a fake death scene, Detective Comics is currently a kind of boring slog (except for Harvey and Renee!)), it's also impossible to believe that Harvey, Renee, and Jim would murder a fellow cop. And that being the case, there's just no tension in this whole "Yip is Dirty" plot. And I don't mean she's dirty because she's banging Harvey! Oh!