Futures End #32

When did Galactus enter this story?

Are we at the big surprise reveal where we find out that there is a Brainiac above the normal Collector of Worlds Brainiac that is a Collector of Universes Brainiac? No? Okay. I guess we'll just read some more filler until then.

Five years in the Futures End future, people still wear puffy jackets and handlebar mustaches. I find that hard to swallow! Shouldn't everybody be wearing invisible skin warming plasticine which shows off every nook and cranny because in five years we'll all be above such bourgeois notions of nakedness, and everyone has stopped tittering relentlessly when they see other people's ding-dongs and doo-dads? That's how I see the future! A relentless onslaught of penises and vaginas passing by and nobody is turned on in the least, thanks to a daily Governmental cocktail composed of lithium, birth control, and diabetic medications. Oh yeah, we're all super fat and unhealthy in five years as well!

See? Fat and unhealthy! And Coke rules with an iron, yet mouth puckeringly sweet, fist.

This is the kind of dialogue that brings a comic book to life and helps the reader to feel they're sneaking a glimpse at a story that could possibly be taking place just on the other side of some wispy veil separating realities. It's not magical dialogue. It's not intellectual dialogue on profound themes. It's just an unimportant side character stating an opinion contrary to Plastique's opinion. I think, too often, a writer will want to put forth their own opinions of the world through the mouths of the characters instead of building characters with their own perspectives, perspectives that often differ with one another. And while some people might focus on the fact that a grown man has never had a slice of pizza, this pizza guy doesn't bat an eye at that and just points out, from his experience, she's giving a newbie the wrong slice. It's really just a throw away moment that many people might skim past while wondering when the action will start. But moments like this are important. Mundane moments with characters actually interacting with one another instead of being mouthpieces for the writer's opinions. This helps me to connect with the story and the characters. Now maybe when Plastique finally faces her demise, I might actually remember her excited face from this scene as she introduces pizza to a new friend, and her interaction with this working guy that makes sense, and I might fucking care a little bit.

Maybe. It's also possible I'll completely forget this scene in the next twenty minutes.

Terry McBatman is lucky she didn't make his face explode.

Judging by the above scene, I don't think Future-Brother-Eye-Infected Plastique was attacking Terry McBatman in Futures End issues zero and one. She was just trying to give him a kiss.

Cole Cash is busy trying to get his Earth-Main-Earth Registration Card so people will stop thinking he's a Twofer. Or so they stop thinking he's Lana Lang's husband. That could get him in trouble with Superman! Except this is Twofer Lana Lang and I don't think Superman gives a shit about Twofer Lana Lang. If only Cole's brother wasn't a gigantic corpse, they could use him as a character witness. Cole's only choice now is to deal with being thought of as the Earth-2 version of himself (even though he's from the Wildstorm Earth already! Right? The one that merged with the Vertigo and the Main Earth!) or spend six months in lockup as he waits for an inquiry into his origins.

My recommendation to Grifter is that he doesn't go to court. He doesn't want his history dredged up because does he really want to be reminded that he starred in the worst comic of the initial batch of New 52 comics?

The whole toilet seat up or down thing is Sexist Comedy 101 that I could rant about for hours. But since this repartee is adorable, I think I can let it slide this time.

Meanwhile, Fifty Sue becomes Mini-Deathstroke With Pigtails. And by "pigtails," I mean "two unbraided bunches of hair on opposite sides of Fifty Sue's head." Pigtails is easier to say.

The guy on the cover turns out to be what Dr. Yamazake has become. He's an incorporeal being with the power to control magnetism. So he built himself the Different-Enough-From-Galactus-To-Not-Be-Sued suit and begins plotting his revenge against The Justice League. Although can he really call it revenge when they've done nothing to him at all and every slight he believes they've committed against him is entirely made up in his own mind? Isn't that something other than revenge?

And finally, Ray Palmer's Stormwatch has arrived back at Earth. Or at least "an Earth." I'm sure it's not the Earth they think it is. I bet it's...PREBOOT EARTH! But before they can investigate it, Hawkman and The Engineer need to fuck.

The Engineer must be infected by a self-hating, low self-esteem causing virus because ick.

Ray Palmer's Stormwatch is intercepted by Father Time and taken aboard The Ant Farm, SHADE headquarters. They want The Engineer to help them defeat Brainiac and Father Time is willing to release every monster in The Zoo to get her. I guess next issue will be Godzilla versus Frankenstein! How come that was never a Universal Picture?

Futures End #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Terry McBatman had better stop flirting with Plastique and get on with the Case of the Mister Terrific's Murderer (Hint: It will be Terry McBatman!). Mister Terrific is about to release his uSpheres into New York city and then that will be that. Lois Lane will get her hands on one and then she'll sync up her Brother Eye infected phone to her Brainiac infested uSphere and everybody can kiss the world goodbye. Then Lois will be all, "uSphere, find me the most authentic Indian cuisine in the area that delivers at one in the morning." And her uSphere will be all, "UNH UNH UNH TAKE IT, BROTHER EYE! TAKE MY FULL DATA STREAM!" And her phone will be all, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING WPA2 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP WITH A SELF-REPLICATING EXECUTABLE!" And Lois will be, "I'm starving!"

Stormwatch #30

Who are these people?

Stormwatch in the Magenta Timeline ended between Issue #29 and Issue #30. After Jenny Soul decided she didn't want a gigantic, all-powerful suppository shoved up her hoo-hole, the team sat around trying to figure out what to do next. That's when Lobo returned to the Universe's Pilot Light which was no longer guarded by the Crayola Timelords because they'd been written out of existence. Lobo lit his cigar with it and then promptly blew it out. Everything ceased to exist. Even Jim Starlin.

So now we're back in The New 52! Although we're all a bit more cynical now, aren't we? Because we've experienced a story outside of the 52 Universes that are said to exist in The New 52. We now know there's more to it than DC has been letting on. Could it be, we think, catching our breath and touching our genitals tenderly, that The New 52 is simply a smaller part of an...this thought comes upon us, almost unthinkable...infinite amount of universes?!

Not like that thought is really anything new. Most of the New 52 titles take place on New Earth but there are enough New Earth stories dealing with alternate timelines and alternate realities that the idea of 52 coherent universes doesn't even fucking matter. Rebooting their characters from time to time seems like a fine idea if you want to keep origins and the history of characters modern and timely. But trying to limit your universe so you can somehow keep tight control of the continuity of it? Forget it, DC. Stop fucking trying. Just let the writers write and let the fanboys point out how Green Lantern never could have been in three places at once last month. Who the fuck cares? As long as all three Green Lantern stories rock my bunghole, I'm fine with dyscontinuity! That's a combination of the words "dysfunctional," "continuity," and "incontinence."

Oh. So they're aware of their brief stint inside Jim Starlin's brain? That's too bad. I bet they dream of Warworld for weeks.

I had to check the rating on the front of the issue before I make my next prediction. The Rating is Teen+, so my next guess is that Apollo will mention how much bigger Midnighter's penis was in that other universe, so it wasn't all bad.

Even though Stormwatch has returned from Jim Starlin's brain-space, it hasn't been returned in the same condition it was loaned out. Stormwatch Headquarters is now called The Carrier and they're once again using Door Technology. Their computer banks even slyly reference The Authority, probably because they live in The Bleed and exist everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Like cats.

That sounds like a sly allusion to the myth that gay guys will fuck anything! That's obviously a myth since they don't fuck vaginas.

I don't even know if that's a myth! I just made it up because I think Apollo really does want to double team this alien's head with Midnighter. He did say something about mounting it in the bedroom! Also, my friend Kenny, who is gay and thus represents all gay men, once told me a story about how he received oral sex from a stranger while walking through the park. That's almost like fucking an alien in the head!

The next panel which I'd failed to read before making all of my insensitive comments has Apollo mentioning that he brings back these trophies for research purposes. Now he can find out important things like how nice his penis feels inside of it and how it reacts to his super powered sun semen.

Oh! I also wanted to say that I really liked The Engineer's Hal Jordan comment. That was a nice touch there, Mr. Sterling. It probably also helps place the return of Stormwatch back into the New 52 timeline. But I don't follow that stuff very closely so it doesn't matter to me. I just hope Midnighter battles Dex-Starr this issue!

Currently Jack Hawksmoor is on sabbatical because he's lucky enough to have a job that offers sabbaticals. And Jenny Quantum is off trying to kiss a boy. He's kind of a depressed boy so I'm hoping he's the boy that now houses Etrigan the Demon. Her date is not going very well. Probably because he's full of inner torment and demon penises.

No you won't! You abandon your lovely street burrito as soon as you get the call to return to The Carrier! Dumb dumb!

As Jenny Quantum arrives in Los Angeles to battle a huge City Hall Gobot (it's obviously a Gobot as opposed to a Transformer since it still basically looks like a building when it turns into a robot), she describes Stormwatch and all its members. She even gives a little history because this book has been needing some kind of coherent explanation of the group that the readership can digest. Too bad it's happening in the last issue!

Stormwatch is currently on the run from Planetary The Shadow Cabinet, a group of three mysterious figures (plus the lost Fourth Man (so you know, nothing at all like Planetary!)), that were trying to control them. But Stormwatch didn't like being controlled, so they gave notice and disappeared into The Bleed. And now they're practically ready for a new series! A good series! A series written by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! No, wait. That series would suck because the team would constantly be fighting gigantic alien genitalia trying to use Earth as a toilet.

During the Battle Against L.A., The Engineer rehires The Projectionist to help keep Stormwatch a secret. But she doesn't rehire Martian Manhunter, so they can't erase people's memories, just people's video evidence. They'll just have to live with being a seemingly Urban Legend rather than complete unknowns.

The team eventually finds Jack Hawsmoor hugging some alien technology that's turning the city into monsters. Midnighter is knocked unconscious by the technology's defenses, so now it's all up to Jenny Quantum.

Her love of ponies?

Also, Jenny Quantum is going to be might surprised when she finds she has one more year to live than she realizes. Also, everybody has been lying to her and she's actually only thirteen.

Jenny claims "emotional blackmail" is the greatest weapon a fourteen thirteen year old girl has at her disposal. I don't know if that's exactly what she uses here since it seems like she mostly just uses the very real fact that she loves and cares for and relies on Hawksmoor and the other members of Stormwatch to break the alien technology's hold over Jack. Maybe she doesn't actually like any of them and she only cries crocodile tears. It's possible she's just using them all to gain more power which means more freedom so she can ditch their old asses. I think that might constitute emotional blackmail.

Stormwatch doesn't discover that the alien technology they just destroyed was put there by The Shadow Cabinet trying to trap them. Also, Adam One seems to now be a member of the Shadow Cabinet. So he's the Fourth Man although the panel with the Shadow Cabinet only shows three men. That means Jakita must be in the bathroom at the moment.

After Jenny Quantum uses door to return to her date, kiss the boy, and break up, a fleet of alien ships come out of The Bleed saying in their alien Runespeak Old Portugese [sic} language, "Finally, after all this time, we've found it...EARTH." But that's about as far as their invasion goes before Stormwatch finally, after thirty issues, begins acting like fucking Stormwatch!

Stormwatch is finally here! The end.

Stormwatch #30 Rating: I'm not changing the ranking at which I've already retired this comic book. But this issue is a good sign for a future return of Stormwatch. The team felt right here. The team was doing what they're supposed to do. And they fucking were getting along with each other. I don't mind if they squabble or get pissy with each other; heck, I demand that! But enough with issue after issue of physical violence between team members. I guess that's an old complaint though. I think the Fake Stormwatch got along okay in their alternate reality. But all the characters sucked in that reality, so I wouldn't have cared if they wound up punching each other in the face over there. Anyway, thanks for letting them go out on a good issue, Mr. Sterling.

I know it's Mr. Gates! I just like saying Mr. Sterling!

Stormwatch #29

I'm already bored.

For whatever reason, DC, the Wildstorm Universe failed to merge very well with your mainstream Universe. I say "whatever reason" because I'm being kind. I know the reason it failed. It failed because the Wildstorm comics were written horribly. Grifter was awful bullshit that probably took three years off of my life because I dared look deeply into its plot and found it lacking. Voodoo was confusing and annoying. Stormwatch has been the only comic that has been decent at times. But this last ditch effort to make it more like the original Wildstorm version failed miserably. Unless it didn't. But if it didn't then my initial drunken assessment of Wildstorm fans was on the money and I was too quick to apologize for calling them drunken fratboys. Are people enjoying this version more than the other version? It sucks in so many more and varied ways! But the main issue with all of the Wildstorm titles is that they were never consistent. The characters and their motivations, even their origins and backstories, kept changing as each writer came along to try to shake things up and find a wider audience. Part of that was the fault of DC for launching The New 52 too quickly. Not every idea for every New 52 title was well-formed. A number of titles (and not just the Wildstorm ones) had soft reboots in the middle of the series that expected the reader to just forget everything about the title character(s) up until that point. I'm not sure how that's supposed to help sell more books. I guess the company philosophy is that you make more money by fucking the people that have stuck with a book by changing everything about it to lure in the new readers?

Stormwatch has simply had too many writers writing their own versions of the group. At least Jim Starlin didn't take the old characters and just suddenly make them different. He decided to make literal new versions of the old characters by changing the timeline. That "at least" doesn't mean I approve. It just means it doesn't quite enrage the "actually" part of my brain as much as when Liefeld took over Deathstroke immediately after an issue in which we learn Slade's ultimate motivation is to prove to his father that he's better than him and began with Slade mentioning how his motivation for everything he did was his wife Adelaide or Adeline or Gatorade or whatever.

Don't think I'm a Wildstorm hater just to hate Wildstorm! I'm just pointing out how the Wildstorm to DC Launches all went wrong in much the same way! DC fucked up a lot of their regular characters the same way. Hawkman? Green Arrow (who somehow survived it all!)? Captain Atom? Blue Beetle? The Question? Oh wait. DC is still having problems with the Charlton character merge as well!

Hellstrike battles naked wearing only a vest?

These jerks are confused because they were previously doing nothing just like they're doing now but in an alternate location. While they sat about staring at Hellstrike's uncovered dong, Jenny Soul was off saving the universe by doing everything Excremax the Ohmergerd told her to do as the plot unfolded unnaturally. Hopefully this plot continues on in the same fashion so I can rush right through it. Why didn't this comic book end a few issues ago without any resolution? Jim Starlin should have just let the Crayola Timelords win, obliterating all traces of this version of Stormwatch who are going to cease to exist by the end of this series anyway. Unless Excremax uses his newly acquired unlimited powers to banish Stormwatch from his timeline so he can do whatever he wants with his new Cosmic Suppository! Then maybe they'll return to New Earth's Universe.

Usage Requirements: must be taken anally.

Excremax the Ohmergerd lies to Jenny Soul and tells her that he cannot use the Cosmic Suppository because he's not a "natural telepath." In truth, he just doesn't want to ram this thing up his anus. But he's willing to help Jenny Soul fit this thing inside of her! Even though it's three times as big as she is. Don't worry, Jenny. The anal sphincter is a marvel of elasticity!

Jenny thinks about shoving the Cosmic Suppository up her butthole and becoming the most powerful person in the Universe, able to change reality with a single, uncomfortable thought. She licks her finger and tries to stick it in her ass and finds even her tiniest finger uncomfortable. So she gives up, tears the Cosmic Suppository into three pieces, and banishes them to separate parts of the universe. Excremax watches his dream destroyed, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Life. Sometimes you get to ride the dildo, and sometimes the dildo rides you. What can you do?"

Meanwhile at Stormwatch Headquarters' gay bar, The Coming Storm:

Every issue, Apollo and Midnighter discuss leaving and decide they'll hang in a while longer.

Hellstrike and X the Shaman flirt for a bit as they discuss X's dead family and Hellstrike's homophobia. But in the end, they're just too different and they don't go home with each other. Hellstrike decides to see if anybody else is interested in his shirtless vest look while X goes home to do tons of drugs.

Elsewhere on the ship, A-I disengages from The Engineer with a loud, squelchy slurp and a soft exhalation of contented bliss. After the intimate bonding between the two of them, they decide to just be friends. A-I leaves before the entire comic book collapses in on itself.

That leaves Storm Control to figure out what to do next by speaking with Planetary. I mean the Shadow Lords! It turns out Storm Control is a clone of Martian Manhunter. Except without the super powers or the martian part. So, um, wait. What? He's a non-super powered human that was developed with Martian DNA? That makes as much sense as anything else Jim Starlin has written! I think he peaked with Warworld! Storm Control decides to keep existing rather than to not exist at all. That seems like a sensible choice.

And then, I guess, it's all over. Lobo didn't even get an appearance!

Stormwatch #29 Rating: -3 Ranking. The ending of this entire comic was as lackluster and inane as the non-ending part of this series which, I suppose, was the rest of it. I don't hate to see this version of Stormwatch end. Good riddance. Unless there is one more issue. Previous news was this was cancelled at Issue #30. But this creative team is definitely wrapping their shit up. So I may or may not have one more issue to read.

Stormwatch #25

Who the fuck is Mordak? What happened to Excremax the Ohmergerd and The Crayola Timelords?!

Last issue, Stormwatch was being coerced into helping some creature called A-I. The creature wanted them to make friends with Excremax the Ohmergerd so that they could combine forces while putting Jenny Soul at great risk to defeat the Crayola Timelords. Although the Crayola Timelords could just keep changing the timeline until they weren't defeated. Right?

I guess Jim Starlin knew that everybody would be asking the same question I asked after seeing this cover, "Who the fuck is Mordak?", because this issue begins with this panel:

So can we forget about Excremax making an appearance? Are we just dealing with Mordak now? Not that I mind! All these weird aliens are all the same to me! Call them whatever you want! I'll just type "the antagonist" anyway!

A-I tells Stormwatch the plan and, I admit it, I'm too stupid and/or uninterested to really comprehend it. The gist of it is that they must fight Mordak on Earth and take the final piece of the artifact from his dead hands. And once they've killed Excremax's right hand man and stolen what was rightfully Excremax's artifact, they'll be able to befriend Excremax!

You know what? After stating the plan, I hope I really don't understand it because it's stupid.

Stormwatch actually just stakes out Mordak until he locates the object. Then it becomes a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race to retrieve it. Actually, The Weird rushes off to nab it while the rest of Stormwatch remains behind to lay some Dick Dastardlyesque traps to slow Mordak down.

It's then that A-I sets off a bomb that cuts communication between Mordak and Warworld that I finally understand the plan. I guess I didn't realize that the new Shaman was called "X" and that he was creating portals for teleportation as opposed to the old Door system that Stormwatch was using. X teleported onto the ship and dropped a bomb near the arrays that keep Warworld in contact with Mordak. Now they've disabled that contact and are free to beat the shit out of Mordak while retaining plausible deniability when they deal with Excremax.

Now that I've finally gotten past my idiocy and figured out the first few pages, it's time for a gigantic fist fight where Lobo winds up making his last stand.

Um. I hope that's not it.

After the rest of Stormwatch begins to fall, Lobo regenerates and sees his chance to ditch these losers. It's okay for him to flee this battle because he didn't sign any contracts or give his word or accept any money to deal with this shit. They just drafted his ass and threw him into the group. Hopefully he'll get away so he can destroy Twat Lobo in his very own New 52 comic book written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh wait! I already have issues of that comic book lying around here. I think I'll go read that and pretend they're part of The New 52.

The Midnighter hasn't shown his face yet, so I'm guessing he's watching the battle and learning all of Mordak's weaknesses. Once Apollo falls, Midnighter will rush in and poke out Mordak's eyes while kicking him in the balls and shoving a Redwood up his ass. His own ass, not Mordak's. For motivation!

Meanwhile, The Weird successfully completes his task. I don't know what Jenny Soul is up to.

Oh wait. Jenny Soul arrives to spearhead the exit protocol. Judging by the way she takes out Mordak with one Soulblast, I think she should have simply been Plan A. Also, she should just be teleported in front of Excremax the Ohmergerd to take him out too. She already killed a few Crayola Timelords which nobody has ever done ever! The rest of the crew should just hang out baking cookies while she does all the work.

Really? Midnighter was just working cleanup? What a waste of talent.

That bit with A-I mentioning the political connotations of the phrase "Mission Accomplished" doesn't fit in this story at all. It's just Jim Starlin shoving his own self into the story to make some kind of comment that he wants to make. Why would A-I even consider that? It might not even mean anything in this color timeline (Ebony? Magenta?)! And besides, "Mission Accomplished" only has negative connotations when you proclaim it with grand celebration while the mission continues on for another decade. If you actually have accomplished the mission, go ahead and fucking say it.

Meanwhile there is a short scene with a bunch of human maintenance people fucking around on board Skywatch while earning double pay. I don't know where they're ever going to spend it. Perhaps there's a place like Macross City in the middle of Skywatch. One of the Maintenance People is acting shifty and accessing panels he shouldn't be accessing. I bet he's a spy!

Before the issue ends with A-I telling Stormwatch that it's finally going to be really fucking honest with them about The Crayola Timelords, Stormwatch rushes out to collect Lobo.

Is "triple crapola" Lobo's new catchphrase?

Stormwatch #25 Rating: No change. I feel like this book should be more exciting than it is. The threats don't loom large. The battles don't scale well especially against Mordak and his men this issue. Stormwatch members just fall for nearly no explanation except that Mordak is really fucking powerful! He must be since Apollo is the most powerful foe he's fought and he still beat him easy. This title is simply missing any kind of lure. I really want to like it! I really want Lobo to be fun and cool and a big jerko. But it's just been disappointing lately.

My favorite moment? A-I telling Storm Control that they have to lie low so they can't save the natives on the island that Mordak has landed on and Storm Control merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "You're running the show, A-I!" Although it makes me think A-I doesn't really understand Stormwatch if it actually thinks Stormwatch fucking cares about collateral damage.

Stormwatch #24

More like "Rise of Excremax," amirite?

I bet Jim Starlin thought up Extremax back in the nineties but then couldn't figure out how to write him into whatever the fuck Jim Starlin was writing in the nineties. And then the wave of really stupid fucking names that had to show how bloody and deathy and extreme all the characters were ended. Jim Starlin spent the next fifteen years punching himself in the balls and crying out, "Why God? Why?! When will I ever be able to introduce Extremax to the comic book adoring public?!" Finally one day when he was punching himself in the genitalia a few extra times for good measure, he got the call from DC Comics. "How would you like to be the new writer on Stormwatch?!" And just like that, Jim Starlin flipped off God for never coming through and leaving Jim Starlin to work out how to receive a call from DC to write a comic book with ties to the era in which a character as extreme as Extremax could be introduced! And now, comic book lovers everywhere, rejoice in the appearance of...I don't know, some time-manipulating Galactus character thing.

Last issue, The Engineer was possessed by some creature named A-I to bring Stormwatch the good word. So once again, The Engineer becomes possessed. You'd think she'd have some kind of super nano-firewall to stop this kind of shit from happening. Even though A-I said her message was one that would help save the Earth, Midnighter does the right thing and tries to kill her. That's when she knocks him out so he can become unconscious and remember how he met Apollo aboard the Daemonite (or Owl) spaceship where they were both experimented on and given their powers.

EXTREMAX THE OMEGA! Even better!

It turns out that Angie is okay and she doesn't mind being used as a mouthpiece for A-I. Excremax the Ohmergerd is a super powerful omnipotent deity with technology greater than that of the Shadowlords. What an omnipotent deity needs with technology is beyond me but what do I know? I'm still trying to figure out what color timeline we're all really living in. I think we're in the Chartreuse Timeline. A-I decides to tell the Origin Story of Excremax the Ohmergerd because he wasn't always the "astral dynamo he is today." I suppose I shouldn't have taken her "omnipotent deity" so strictly since she was just using them as comparatives to Stormwatch's power. I should probably not have skipped every class discussion on metaphor or simile during my educational career. But who could resist saying "It's like I'm there!" while drinking in the morning on some beach instead of sitting in a class learning what the fuck similes and metaphors are used for. I think I do just fine taking every word everybody utters literally.

A-I tells of a self-made man that pulled himself up by his bootstraps through his own intelligence, hard work, and talents. But now that I know not to take every word people say literally, I think this is an analogy if not an outright lie! She might as well be quoting a bullshit Horatio Alger novel. At one point, a child that began doing the most dangerous work in the company somehow comes to own that company. Yes, that's usually what happens. If you work your way up the corporate ladder, you eventually simply become owner of the corporation! Anything can happen if you just keep working hard and never give up! What pluck and determination! What stick-to-itiveness! What self-motivation! Excremax the Ohmergerd truly is an example for all Americans! And since Americans are the great example of everybody else on Earth, Excremax is an example to us all. Every one of us! You can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps without anybody else's help! Everybody in a position of power, everybody with any wealth, everybody living a life of even minor luxuries: they all did it themselves!

Hey, nobody said you had to do it while being a morally chaste stick in the mud! Lesson #1 on being successful: "You've got to break the rules to make the rules!" It also helps if Crayola Timelords fuck with the time stream to bring about the timeline in which you strike it rich.

Excremax the Ohmergerd has been growing in power for fifty thousand years. He has replaced his body countless times. And he flies about the universe on the greatest battle cruiser ever developed! Warworld!

Oops. I mean, Alcazar Astral! I was thinking of Jim Starlin's DC Comics Presents story about the universe's most powerful ship which also goes about robbing planets of their resources to fuel its journey. You know, the one he repurposed for Mongul #1 and isn't anything like the Alcazar Astral. Sorry about the confusion!

A-I estimates that sixty billion people have died due to Excremax's lifestyle. Across 50,000 years? That's not so bad! That's a mere 1.2 million people per year! That's practically nothing! I say, "Leave him be!"

After a minor break where Apollo punches Lobo through the wall because all of this explication wasn't resulting in any kind of comic book violence whatsoever, A-I mentions that Excremax the Ohmergerd was doing quite well until three hundred years ago when he met The Crayola Timelords.

So the Crayola Timelords are Luddites that can change time? Why don't they just change time to eliminate this guy if he's such a thorn in their fiery heads?

Perhaps we'll soon find out that the Crayola Timelords changed time to bring about the perfect version of Stormwatch to defeat Excremax! I wonder if Twat Lobo will arrive on the scene or if he's in the normal colored timeline where the other New 52 books are located.

A-I continues her blah blah blah because Jim Starlin has apparently figured out his next story but he needed a full issue worth of set-up to tie everything together. What it essentially comes down to is everybody is after the final piece of a powerful and ancient artifact which is located on Earth. Excremax has a piece. The Kollective have a piece. And now A-I wants a piece so that she has some leverage between the two asshole cosmic forces.

Meanwhile, Lobo doesn't seem to mind that he was thrown through a wall earlier. Why should he? He's just a raving lunatic asshole that likes nothing better than to throw punches, drink, swear, and kill. I guess sometimes he likes to lie low and listen to lectures as well.

This issue is almost over and Stormwatch has not quite fallen yet. Actually, they've done nothing but listen to the story of Excrmax the Ohmergerd. Although Excremax finally does appear in his ship, Alcazar Astral which is bigger than Earth's moon. But nobody on Earth notices and the physical laws of gravity are being defied because Excremax is traveling in STEALTH MODE!

After telling her long story, A-I tells Stormwatch that Excremax isn't the problem. The Crayola Timelords are. They're going to destroy Earth to get the artifact and Stormwatch's only hope is joining with Excremax. But those negotiations will have to happen next issue because A-I talked the fuck out of this one. And not in an entertaining way! More like a second grade teacher boringly telling his students lies about the pilgrims first meeting with the Native Americans. Although this issue did result in the best drawing of Aquaman ever!

You know what? It's not quite as derpy when seen this large. Whatever.

Stormwatch #24 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. It felt like Jim Starlin changed direction on his Crayola Timelord's motivations and then decided he wanted to add Warworld to The Ebony Timeline. Well, mission accomplished! But it wasn't executed very successfully.

Stormwatch #20

Currently over in the Magenta Timeline...

Here's my deal with Jim Starlin and Stormwatch: I just want well told, exciting stories. But most of my commentaries and criticisms are from the perspective of DC's change to The New 52. Seen through that lens, the Magenta Timeline deal is hard to swallow since it simply bypasses the rules of the game in much the same way as most of Lobdell's or DeFalco's time travel visitors from the future stories. But you know what will be nice? Just dealing with the Magenta Timeline as stories outside of the normal New 52. I don't have to be bothered with how these stories fit in because they don't have to fit in! As long as this old Stormwatch Logo adorns the cover of the Stormwatch books, I'll just read these books as standing outside the entire New 52 Universe. No more pretend rage at Jim Starlin for excising The New 52 history from Stormwatch. Time to just enjoy this comic book for what it is. That last sentence would have ended with a colon and then the description of what this comic book is but since I haven't read it yet, I don't know!

The Stormwatch away team has been sent to investigate the Magenta Time Lords that have been rewriting Stormwatch every few years. Unless they do it every few months. Or every other second? Every negative thirteen weeks? Whatever their timetables for fuckery, the away team consisting of Midnighter, Apollo, Hellstrike, Jenny Soul, and The Weird have arrived on what is possibly the Magenta Time Lords' home planet to put a stop to their shenanigans.

I think I use the word "shenanigans" too much. I must have some leprechaun ancestry.

Apollo and Midnighter's first duty is to get Jenny Soul across the street and into a space with less minds since she's feeling overloaded. And Midnighter will provide the commentary for that blatant under use of their powers for me.

Since I dropped Stormwatch 25 ranks last issue to start them over on their Magenta Timeline, I'll give them a chance to build back up by raising their rank for everything I enjoy. +1 Ranking for this combined with the away teams initial update of "Holy crap!" Mind you, I'll also be giving Stormwatch negative ranks when they displease me. And I am oh so easy to displease!

While Stormwatch deals with crossing the street, the Magenta Time Lords are busy recruiting Lobo to beat them up. The last time Lobo fought with Stormwatch The Authority, it was because Jenny Quantum was upset that he'd killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I wonder how Jenny Soul would feel about that? When the Magenta Time Lords find Lobo, he'd just killed six muggers in an alley after waking up from a drunken binge. Being that this is the Magenta Time Line, I guess I don't have to worry about whether or not this is the Lobo from Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke. I probably wouldn't have to worry about that anyway since I think DC is simply pretending that all issues in The New 52 written by Rob Liefeld never existed.

The first thing the Magenta Time Lord does is send Lobo back into the past to see how he became the gigantic fucking prick he became.

I'm severely disappointed that Czarnians look just like humans instead of all looking like Lobo. But Magenta Time Line! May not possibly be New 52 Canon! Especially since in The New 52, we were introduced to Lobo's girlfriend, Sheba, who also looked like Lobo. But then that was from a Liefeld book and thus possibly not New 52 Canon!

Basically Lobo was the kid that got the sand kicked into his face until his planet exploded into a nightmare of aggressive assholes. Lobo, being a skinny little wimp, knew he was done for if he didn't act quick. He created a virus or some kind of pathogen (he simply calls it "the right lil' cocktail") that only he was immune to and released it. Everybody on Czarnia died.

I still hope Sheba replaces Lobo in the real New 52 Timeline because do we really need more "fraggin' bastich" this and "fraggin bastich" that? Although another reason to completely forget Liefeld's mess is how he had the Czarnians as one of the alien races fighting with Thanagar. Who makes that mistake?! Everybody fucking knows Lobo is the Last Czarnian! And how about another +1 ranking simply for making him look three million times better than the way Liefeld drew him.

Stormwatch does a little shopping and then continues to follow the emanations of the Magenta Time Lords. Jenny Soul manages to see one out of the corner of her minds eye and this worries the Magenta Time Lords. We'll get to their worry after the next odd interruption since the Magenta Time Lords also deal with this following panel:

+1 Ranking for this strangeness that probably has far reaching consequences if Lobo is ever able to extinguish this light. But let's see how the Magenta Time Lords react before speculating on its importance.


If they can see that Jenny Soul can disrupt their plans across all but one time line, then they can obviously see exactly what needs to be done to make that single time line come about. Unless the mere observance of the time line changes the time line! In which case, they're probably fucking screwed.

So what is that light? How is Lobo able to see it and get at it? Why do the Magenta Time Lords not take it seriously? Because it continues to flicker back into existence once Lobo walks away? I suppose the light is some kind of source for the Magenta Time Line. Lobo wouldn't have any qualms trying to destroy everything in one fell swoop if he were able. This could easily fall into the category of one of those really stupid piece of shit things Lobdell will mention that sort of seem like foreshadowing but are really just flaccid sci-fi ideas that he may or may not eventually deal with (mostly may not). But the way this is done is intriguing. I really like the panels of Lobo approaching it, putting it out, and walking off as it flickers back to life.

As Stormwatch is nearing the source of the psychic emanations, a sniper tries to blow Jenny's brains all over the backside of Apollo. But she senses him in time and dodges out of the way, leaving Apollo to get shot in the ass. I don't think it hurts him much though. He's all solar powered up and invulnerable. After the sniper shot, all hell breaks loose just like on the cover.

Sex talk seems a little out of place when you're kicking the heads off of your enemies. +1 Ranking!

Stormwatch is kicking ass but Storm Control (the mysterious teeny tiny leader) is concerned about Jenny's safety simply due to the sheer number of assailants. But before he can order Forecaster the Frogman to pull them out, a ship full of alien lizard men with patches indicating they're trysexual arrive to save the day! They also use budget interplanetary translators. Also, they're religious zealots whose main reason for helping Stormwatch is because the fascist corporate bully boys that attacked Stormwatch are the religious zealots big time number one bad enemy people. So it looks like Stormwatch just teleport doored right into the middle of a long time feud between two idiotic species.

And then there's Maude Lobo.

I suppose comparing Maude with Lobo is about as horrible as when I compared The Golden Girls to the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Speaking of Maude and The Golden Girls, both of those shows had great theme songs. Plus Lobo's dolphin buddies!

Stormwatch #20 Rating: I lost count! I think this was worth +6 Rankings at least. I definitely like seeing Stormwatch going on missions rather than all the fucking in-fighting they'd been doing. And going up against the Magenta Time Lords that can, occasionally, rewrite history seems about the right amount of danger for Stormwatch to be on the job.

Stormwatch #19

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Is this the Stormwatch from Earth-50? Are they truly going to defeat the Stormwatch from Earth Prime? Because I wouldn't be surprised. It seems like the one rule DC has is if two gay characters act on their sexuality, they must be placed immediately inside a gay refrigerator. So technically, Peter Milligan would have killed Stormwatch Prime for allowing the boys to kiss in defiance of Dan DiDio's Anti-Gay-and/or-Blue-Beetle Law. I guess I should stop jumping to stupid conclusions just from the double spread cover. Are these Mad Fold-Ins?

Hmm. Not unless you have to get fancy and do some origami style folding. I wonder if my comic book store will replace my now mangled copy of Stormwatch #19? It was an honest mistake! I'm sure they'll understand if I told them I was trying to get the Fold-In picture to line up.

This issue begins with Jim Starlin having no idea how to write somebody else's characters so he has some beings with their heads on fire initiate the Magenta Timeline where they begin the universe by killing Adam One. This causes Peter Milligan's Stormwatch to stop existing. Also the Demon Knights. Except the Demon Knights were taken over by a competent writer, so they're actually doing okay.

I think the big clue is the name of the timeline: Magenta.

Magenta does not exist as a single color wavelength. It cannot be created with a prism. You do not see it in a rainbow. But line up two color bands from two prisms by placing the blue end of one along the red end of the other and you'll see Magenta light. So Magenta needs two wavelengths to exist. Does the Magenta Timeline require two timelines to exist? Or is the Magenta Timeline simply an imaginary construct by these fire-headed people?

But how does a complete change in the timeline affect The New 52? If this is Earth Prime, then we now have a completely new Earth Prime. Adam One is dead. Therefore there was no Merlin. Therefore there is no Etrigan or Madame Xanadu or Stormwatch. Well, we know that can't be correct because Demon Knights hasn't been suddenly cancelled mysteriously. This could be Earth-50. But what it really is is a gigantic clusterfuck by DC's editors to allow this story to be told (unless it ends up being some kind of alternate reality dream or something. Or Earth-50!). How can DC have no concept of what their own 52 Earth paradigm means? 52 Universes equals 52 timelines. Now each universe could have other dimensions such as The Phantom Zone or The Fifth Dimension or all those various pocket dimensions Lobdell likes to create. But each of the 52 Universes can't have an infinite amount of timelines. Because every timeline is simply another fucking Earth which would mean the DC Universe still has infinite earths.

You know what? Maybe I should read this fucking comic book and see what Starlin does with it before I start pointing to this issue as the comic book that caused DC to fuck itself in the ass.

The Shadow Lords have not been affected by the reality change because they were in Camelot The Bleed. Since The Bleed is conveniently outside of normal time/space, they were left alone to notice that Stormwatch has been erased from existence. They also somehow noticed that this is the twelfth time that this has happened. Can I just give my first "Fuck You" of the issue right now?

Anyway, this Shadow Lord is the Storm King and he's just arrived from inside a Black Hole (I guess that's how you get into and out of The Bleed?) to discuss the erasure of Stormwatch with Storm Control. He calls himself or his ship or fucking who the fuck knows what "The New Skywatch" and they can't be detected because they're in STEALTH MODE!

It's too bad Peter Milligan is gone because I'm fairly certain that he was building up for the Shadow Lords to be Planetary.

A bunch of bullshit I can't be bothered to comment on.

The Shadow King and the teeny tiny secret leader of the new Stormwatch (Ray Palmer?) begin looking at video files of potential Stormwatch teammates. There's Angie the Engineer. And Apollo the Sun Man. And Midnighter the psychopath. And...hey! Wait a minute! These are all the same people that were just erased from existence! FUCK YOU, JIM STARLIN! You fucking coward! Too much work to have to use characters with 380 pages of history behind them? That's one novel's worth of story! And it's mostly pictures! And you couldn't be bothered to study it and base the next Stormwatch on that history? Is this a Stormwatch pattern? Has it really been erased from existence eleven times before this and then restarted?

Wait a second. You're already utilizing these guys? So this new Stormwatch already exists? Or part of it does? Or does Teeny Tiny Leader simply have a Teeny Tiny Treasure and he hired The Weird to protect it so he figured he'd just add him to the group?

Teeny Tiny Mystery Leader has also recruited Jenny Soul from a London Asylum and some guy named Force. So whatever. I guess these are members he already recruited even though he began the fucking conversation seemingly confused about the whole rewrite of reality and Stormwatch not existing and so I guess he had been recruiting for Stormwatch before the Storm King came to speak with him because they didn't exist?

Fuck you, Jim Starlin. Oh, am I repeating myself. Sorry! Wouldn't want that! I should just write a whole bunch of disparate paragraphs that don't have a single thing in common between any of them. That review would be more fitting for this reset of Stormwatch.

Skywatch is the new Stormwatch's headquarters/space ship. It's piloted by an other dimensional frog man.

Why bother with those guys? If they can rewrite reality, they're probably doing it constantly and there's nothing you can do about it or even notice. I guess if these guys can rewrite reality and fuck up The New 52, Volthoom over in Green Lantern should be able to do it as well! I think the only solution to this rampant fucking with time and space is for each of the comics in The New 52 to be its own separate Earth. I actually wouldn't mind that!

The Engineer has been on her first mission beating up some guys named Dee and Dum who apparently haven't realized that they're stepping on some Gotham toes with their schtick. Her mission was to recruit a little guy with a drug problem that might be Stormwatch's Shaman once he cleans up his act. Or even if he doesn't. Nobody needs a sober Shaman.

Well at least these guys can continue with their romance without interruption.

Apparently I missed the allusion that Storm Control's "tiny treasure" was Jenny Soul. I guess I was too busy thinking about how many times I wanted to say "fuck you" to Jim Starlin. So The Weird and Jenny Soul get to hang out and become besties because they're the outcasts of the group. Unless Midnighter and Apollo are the outcasts of the group. Maybe Hellstrike and Force are the outcasts? I think this group is too big! And what happened to Jack Hawksmoor? Was he completely rewritten out of existence? The others weren't. They were just taken away from Stormwatch.

The group has a big meeting where they discover that they're going to have to combat the reality shifting flame headed aliens. Will they defeat them and put the Green Timeline back together? Or will the flame headed jerk-offs find a new champion that is no longer dead because of the timeline rewrite and also because he probably wasn't dead anyway and probably because who the fuck cares about anything any more? World building? Fuck world building! Let's just tell stories!

No, seriously. I'm all for that. But since The New 52 claims to be something more, I'd appreciate it if they stuck to that. Oh, anyway, I was discussing the Magenta Men's new champion!

You know, it's actually refreshing to see Lobo drawn well again and not that horrible mess Liefeld was trying to draw.

Stormwatch #19 Rating: -25 Ranking. You want to start over? Let's fucking start over, bitches! I'm calling it right now! Stormwatch #19 ruined the entire New 52 paradigm. This story is going to open up stories to all sorts of crazy bullshit that will just end in masses and masses of confusion. If this is Earth Prime, The Demon Knights don't exist. I'm hoping this is Earth 50, the Wildstorm Earth, even if Earth 50 was supposedly merged with Earth Prime. Since there are still 52 Earths, I'm assuming that Earth Prime was merged with Earth 50 and Earth Vertigo. But those two Earths still also exist separately. So over on Earth Prime, Dex-Starr can still have his rematch with the Real Midnighter.

This whole timeline reset concept for Stormwatch is lazy bullshit that really fucks with The New 52 paradigm. But if Starlin can tell good, self-contained stories, I'm all for it. But I'll still pretend this is simply Earth-50.

Stormwatch #18

Apparently the Earth just isn't threatened enough because these kids have too much free time on their hands.

At this point you just have to ask: "Is Stormwatch really needed?" When was the last time they saved the world from something other than themselves? It may have been when The Engineer ate the Neanderthal Devolver and that was back in Issue Eleven. They may or may not have saved the world from Etrigan since then but that still falls into the category of fighting with themselves. I can't blame Stormwatch for all of the in-fighting. They're not the kind of team that stops burglaries or serial killers. They merely have to sit around and wait for an incipient extinction level event. When one of those isn't incipient, they just bicker out of sheer boredom. Technically I suppose you can blame this battle with the Engineer on the Hidden People (the Neanderthals!) since she is going nuts from having rammed their devolver up her ass. But I bet the devolver is like that lie that hypnotists tell all the time about how you'd never do anything under hypnotism that you wouldn't do while not hypnotized. Such a lie! What the fuck do you think Nationalism and Propaganda are for?! It's to hypnotize people to act in ways they wouldn't normally act otherwise!

By the way, Stormwatch is apparently recruiting. And rebooting.

Isn't Brother Eye going to be a bit pissed about this? Or is he too busy making plans with Batman to return the Flashpoint Universe back to the old universe. You know Batman has got to be a little bit upset that Detective Comics has been renumbered. And if anybody can return the DC Universe it's the Goddamned Batman and the not-quite-as-Goddamned Brother Eye. Or Ambush Bug. I'm pretty certain Ambush Bug could get it done. And probably Mr. Mxyzptlk. Maybe Bat-mite although Bat-mite has yet to appear in The New 52. But if he exists in any comic book reality, he also exists in The New 52 being what he is. So, yeah, Bat-mite could fix this shit.

So The Engineer dumps OMAC on Apollo, Midnighter, and Zealot in a story called "The Scream." I thought OMAC stories were supposed to be palindromes? I mean that other thing! Whatever the word "radar" is. Okay. Bad example. Whatever you call words like "scuba" and "sonar"! Except the reverse because the title is the words that make the acronym and not the acronym! Oh! Acronym! Good job, brain. So instead of "The Scream", this story should be called "OMAC Makes A Cake." Perhaps Peter Milligan is twisting the convention Giffen and DiDio were using and "The Scream" is an acronym itself! THe Engineer: She Could Really Emasculate Apollo and Midnighter.

In my dream world, that last paragraph would have been one long palindrome. I think this is the only palindrome I've ever come up with because I either haven't ever tried very hard or I just suck at them: "So, got Togo's?"

Before OMAC drops on everyone's head the way OMAC loves to do, Apollo begins to feel a little jealousy towards Zealot.

They're not helping.

Apollo is jealous not because Midnighter and Zealot seem to have a close, past relationship but because Apollo suddenly thinks Midnighter is into pussy. I guess it isn't a crazy assumption. Apollo and Midnighter haven't even had sex yet and Midnighter is a sociopath. It isn't totally out of the realm of possibility that Midnighter was just leading him on and fucking with him by pretending to want to fuck him but then not fucking him. But look on the bright side, Apollo! There's always OMAC! I know Kevin Kho is heterosexual but that doesn't mean the monster he turns into has to be. Look at Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk!

The Engineer uses OMAC's voice to tell the boys she wants to negotiate. So Apollo blasts OMAC in the face and yells, "Negotiate this, Engineer!" Not exactly Armistead Maupin.

Sure, Apollo, that's probably a better choice of author if you want your readers to understand your references.

OMAC blasts them through a teleporter door Engineer opened so that The Engineer can bring them aboard The Eye of the Storm so that they can defeat her. She really is arrogant, isn't she?

Or maybe not! Perhaps she's smarter than I thought because Apollo and Midnighter and Zealot and OMAC and Zealot's cool space chopper end up in some kind of Teleport Limbo where things really get serious. Like super serious. And highly dramatic!

I already pointed out why this is a fair question!

The Engineer's big floating Oz head appears to offer the boys a deal: choose to let The Engineer alter their brains so she has control over them or die. Okay, I've returned to the opinion that she is indeed arrogant. And possibly stupid. She may think she's hyper-evolved but I'm pretty sure she's hypo-evolved. I don't know if that makes sense in the context of words and what they mean but I'm going to just leave it there anyway.

Surprisingly, Midnighter and Apollo choose to die. That was an example of incorrectly using the word "surprisingly." But before the dying happens, the fighting and the arguing about who is and who isn't gay takes place!

Meanwhile, lobotomized Harry Tanner has been left to his own devices since The Engineer thinks he's completely under her control now. And while he is to the extent that he can't bring himself to stab her in the back, he's free enough to bring Jenny Quantum around so that she can save the day. He knocks some stray quarks into her brain and she wakes up screaming. Oh! The Scream from the title!

Jenny's scream blows up The Eye of the Storm and sends everybody plummeting back to Earth. Or maybe they were just blasted through the still open teleport door since they end up in the same alley where they were abducted. But this time they've got company in the corpse of The Engineer.

I'm sure The Engineer will eventually pull herself together.

I like this version of Zealot a trajillion times better than Liefeld's version. Although that would mean I don't like her at all since when you multiply by zero, you still get zero. So I like this version of Zealot a trajillion additional likes more than the amount of likes I had for Liefeld's version. I'm sure that's not surprising to anybody that's a fan of story telling and literature though. Liefeld doesn't write characters. He puts speech bubbles on mouths on the faces of interchangeable people in different costumes.

Speaking of Liefeld, people seem to defend him by pointing out that the haters all hate him for the same reasons and are just jumping on the "hate Liefeld" bandwagon as if there were no merit to hating his writing and art. But in my commentaries on his work, I've pointed out again and again, panel by panel, his faults and failings. But I've never seen anybody go through his work and point out what is good about it (Level of Difficulty: no blanket statements about his level of energy in his drawings. Especially when everybody looks like a fucking Barbie or Ken inaction doll). Somebody accept this fucking challenge and actually defend one piece of Liefeld's work, page by page, story and art. I claim it cannot be done without severely crippling a person's honesty and integrity! Hell, even I praised him once for one of his themes in Hawk and Dove when he took over the writing although I'm beginning to think I read too much into it and it was simply a happy accident.

"Maybe" this is just the beginning? Just go fuck already!

Stormwatch #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed getting to know another Wildstorm character written by a competent writer. And since this chapter of the story was framed around Apollo and Midnighter, it was nice to see them finally just get down to kissing. But since it was about Midnighter and Apollo, we're left to wonder what happened to Jenny Quantum and if Jack Hawksmoor is dying in the jungle or he happened to stumble upon the ruins of an ancient civilization with enough juice to keep him alive. The Projectionist and Harry Tanner I don't really care much about. And obviously The Engineer's nanos are already getting to work on bringing her back online.

"The End" bit made me nervous and sad so I looked up Stormwatch #19 to find that Peter Milligan's name has been replaced by Jim Starlin. Is Milligan just leaving DC? He's off Red Lanterns soon too, isn't he? Sad face.