Harley Quinn #9

Thank God for the Selfie! Now people can take pictures of the only thing that really matters to them!

I've never done a "Why I Need Feminsism!" post, so why don't we do that now?! It might not be a good idea because the main reason I need feminism is because my reasons for needing feminism will probably piss off feminists. Mostly because I'm a smart ass shit stirring asshole and love to poke hornet nests for my own amusement. But isn't that what feminism is all about? Being allowed to be yourself? I don't mean being allowed to be yourself if you're a rapey, murdery, child molesting, dog fucker. I just mean being allowed to have your own beliefs and ideals and goals and facetious sense of humor, even if a joke is occasionally at the expense of someone other than a white heterosexual male. That's feminism! Everybody being treated just like white, heterosexual males are treated in our society, right? Something like that! Feminism definitely isn't forcing everybody to be something they're not just so other people don't wind up with hurt feelings. I'm horrible at expressing ideas because I constantly have to keep knocking down those ideas so as not to sound too serious, especially if a dick joke presents itself. I should probably work on making more vagina jokes too because, you know, feminism! Anyway, how about I let John Steinbeck speak for me with one of my favorite quotes (from East of Eden) about feminism and why I need it:

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.

I especially like the part about the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected, because have you read some of my rambling, incoherent thoughts on things?

All of that is to say, "Thank God for the Selfie!" It's a perfect representation for the celebration of the individual. We all fit into certain categories based on a whole host of labels generated by our society and our times. We're bombarded with messages about who we must be if we're seen as a member of those groups. This causes people to grow up with the idea that they have certain issues that affect them, whether they're actually there or not. Even as a white, heterosexual male, you're bombarded with very specific messages about who you're supposed to be. I don't mention that to say, "Oh, poor white males too!" I mention it because everybody needs feminism to fight against the patriarchal ideals of who we should be simply because we can tick certain superficial boxes on a census form. But the Selfie brings it all back to what's truly important. We're all individuals which means we're all different which means the most important category we all fit into is a category of one: your individual self. The Selfie is a reminder to celebrate you! I don't take Selfies because I don't have a camera phone because I simply use a burner phone for work purposes. These commentaries on comic books are my Selfies. And possibly my dick pics you didn't ask for.

The issue begins with Harley getting ready to join in on a burlesque show. Tony does remember how Harley turns everything violent, right?

Now I'm wondering if I have nerd rage in my birdcage.

But what does the individual owe to society, and how do we live a life free from oppression and the oppressing of other people? I believe it begins by living according to your own beliefs and values. It's one thing to express lofty ideals and another entirely to live by them. But when we live our lives according to our ethics rather than living according to our desires while paying lip service to our beliefs, we inherently improve the living conditions of ourselves and those around us. When we live by our desires, we only improve our own lives. I don't mean to suggest that we don't support our own desires! What else is life for? But when our desires come into conflict with our ethics, that's when we must make the hard choices. It reminds me of these lines from the Indigo Girls' "Deconstruction of Love":

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.
And as for the truth,
It seems like we just pick a theory.
It's the one that justifies
Our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrow.

Most people rationalize their bad behavior because it's easier to come up with an argument that supports allowing you to live like an asshole than it is to not be an asshole and give up some things that you desire because acquiring them might come at the expense of other people. That reminds me of these lyrics from The Ditty Bops "Walk or Ride":

I'm feeling quite confused
By the people who refuse to see
A simple way of life that won't make you the loser.

Harley ruins the Burlesque because she was given these stage directions: "Make believe she's your ex-boyfriend."

It's obviously easier said than done, living by the thing you feel is right. Especially in these economic times when the worker has lost all power and job creators suddenly believe they are God's gift to the people and that everybody should be thankful just to be getting a regular, minimum wage paycheck from a part-time job with no benefits. People find themselves in situations all the time where they're simply struggling to survive and living by your ideals will simply mean starving or losing your family or becoming homeless. Although once you find yourself homeless, it's always nice to be able to pick a self-righteous theory that justifies your homelessness because you didn't buy into the system, man! So you always have the ability to lord your ability to live your ideology over those drones going to work every day simply to pay for the mortgage on their house. So that's a plus!

But living by your beliefs is the best way to change the system. Not participating in systems you don't believe in is the only real activism there is. It's all well and good to protest how you're drowning in your student loans after you've already received the benefit of the schooling you thought you needed and now don't want to pay for because the price was exorbitantly high. Don't think about how you had a choice of schools and you could have gone to that state school that was three-quarters of the tuition because you really wanted to be a graduate of Gonna Need A Lot Of Student Loans University. I agree that college prices are insane! But because I believe that (and I even believed that back when they weren't so high when I was in college in the early to mid nineties), and because I knew I wasn't going to college so that I'd be able to get a high paying job afterward (I majored in Reading Books!), I chose a school that was affordable (two schools, actually: Portland State and, later, San Jose State). Or maybe I'm just rationalizing my choices to make it look like I had some forethought about any of it and wasn't just ping-ponging around lost in my late teens and early twenties! Who am I to judge when I'm, like everybody else, just acting like those Indigo Girls' lyrics! It's enjoyable to be holier than thou when you can't afford anything else!

Um, anyroad, Harley starts another riot at the Burlesque Show and is then arrested. Or, um, kidnapped?

I hope he tells us his opinions on Harley's new suit!

By living your life in a way that focuses on the need for a steady influx of cash (that includes a simple life in which you needed to have all three or more of those goddamned children), you become a slave to the capitalist system. Corporations and job creators want people to be in constant debt so that they're forced to take any shitty job offered to them. They love people with dreams of owning a home and having a family with two plus kids! That keeps the system rolling along! It also helps maintain a base of people that vote against their own best wishes. Because if you can convince working class people that they're the only ones working hard to make ends meet and other people are choosing to leech off of their effort, you can convince those people to vote against programs that would make their life better.

Now to prove that he actually loves her, he must turn her into an object by cutting off her arms and legs!

See? This is what I'm talking about! Ed's lust for Harley Quinn has turned him into an inhuman monster that hurts others simply to fulfill his own desires. Although he also might be a sociopath that doesn't believe anybody is actually a real person and so anything he does to them is equivalent to kicking a piece of furniture. I suppose if your ethics are pretty shitty then living by your ethics doesn't do anything for the rest of us! I think I'm all turned around on this living by your ethics crap! Maybe the only way to truly live a righteous and noble life is to find a religion and completely and wholeheartedly believe all of the dogma that comes with it! Sure, you're supporting an institution that constantly oppresses and interferes with the lives of others but that wouldn't be your fault! You're not doing those things the missionaries are doing to natives in other countries! I mean, unless you're that missionary! And you're not the one telling homosexuals that they're evil, vile sinners. That's God doing that! Or the priests that misinterpreted The Bible and turned it into the dogma that you now feel you have to follow. But forget all that noise! It's just background static to your new life of charity and good works because some priests have told you that a book basically written by God has told them how to live a good and worthy life! That sounds like the life for me!

Or I could go into the military and just follow orders! Fuck all this ridiculous nonsense where I try to figure out a responsible way of living and taking care of myself without putting other people out. I just need somebody to tell me what's right without the opportunity to question that person or else I'll be punished! And if I have to go overseas and kill brown people, I'm sure it's for a good reason. Even if it isn't for a good reason, I'm not the one to make that decision anymore! I'd have divested myself of that responsibility which means I can't be held accountable for any oppression that might come from the end of my gun! Now that sounds like the life for me!

Anypath, Harley convinces Ed to get some psychiatric help from Dr. Francine Stein. If he survives a year under her care (probably digging up graves, amirite?), she'll go out on a date with him. He has to pick up the check though. But since nobody has died on-panel yet, Harley goes down into Ed's basement to fuck with some comic book nerds that once said her butt wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Now listen here, Harley! Home is exactly where people should be acting like filthy perverts!

Finally, Harley and Sy Borg head down to Skate Club to do some Skating. Third rule of Skate Club is if it's your first time, you have to skate. Unless that's the second rule. Although I think the second rule is the same as the first rule for some reason. The skating looks dangerous but I won't know for sure until next month. I mean, next Wednesday? When did this comic book become bi-monthly? Probably when Poison Ivy entered the picture! Brozingo!

Harley Quinn #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is fun and generally looks good and Harley is allowed to kill people. That last one is the best part because I'm not allowed to kill people so I need a method to live the thrill of killing people vicariously. Oh wait! I've rethought the whole living by my ethics thing! So now if I desire to kill people, I can, right? What am I asking you for? I don't need your permission! I just need a willing participant and a Craigslist ad!

Batman #34

Batman, the Mad Photobomber.

Who's ready for a new Batman story?! It's been ages since Batman has battled anybody except The Riddler. I think thirty of the last thirty four issues were part of Zero Year. And the other thirty issues were Court of Owls stories! And whatever left over was Death in the Family.

I might not be very good at math.

This issue begins with Batman learning that black is no longer the blackest color. So black as midnight on a moonless night is no longer the blackest thing there is?! What could possibly be blacker than that?! Shaft?

The black thing will probably be important later on. Unless it's just Gerry Dugan's unprofessional way of beginning his writing piece by talking about something that has nothing to do with the heart of the story. So amateurish.

Since when did Bruce Wayne become a private investigator? Who is this Leslie Thompkins?!

That was a rhetorical question in that previous caption! Of course I know who Doctor Leslie Thompkins is! She's that rat that might have sold out Batman's secret identity to Spyral and the reason Nightwing was forced to go undercover. I'm surprised Batman is still speaking with her!

This issue, Batman plans on pretending that he isn't starring in a weekly comic book that's taking up all of his attention even though he's barely appeared in it for weeks. Maybe that's because he was busy tracking down this killer that is killing Dr. Thompkins' patients. Tonight, Batman reminds everybody (or just a few people) why he's known as The World's Most Pretty Decent Detective!

Batman realizes that all the best cartoon detectives were dogs, so he hires a homeless dog to do most of the work for him. It's an odd choice since Batman is after a red pickup truck and aren't dogs colorblind? This plan will never work! Unless the dog can see the blackest black ever invented! I bet the blackest black is a metaphor for sexy butt stuff.

I wonder if Batman had to endure a thirty second, goofy conversation with some citizen as he climbed past their window?

The homeless dog leads Batman to a clue! Batman looks at the clue and thinks, "This is probably the most important clue I will find all night! It is the clueiest clue I've ever found! And I did it all by myself!" Then he nudged the dog outside and shut the door. "I am the greatest detective in the world, ma!"

The clue he found was a bottle of drugs with Doctor Thompkins' home address on it. So Batman disguises himself as Doctor Thompkins and pretends to be a victim. But he's not a victim! That's the twist! When the bad guy, Mister Meek, tries to kill him, Batman removes his sexy doctor face and says, "Ha ha! I am The Jeezly Crow Batman! And I have you now!"

So Mister Meek is Sean Hannity?

Mister Meek just wants to be left alone to do what he loves doing. Hey! That's what I want! Except the thing I like doing isn't murdering people, so I probably don't have to worry about Batman stopping me. I enjoy critiquing things like comic books and religious texts. I probably won't be hunted down by anyone until I get to The Koran. So I'll leave that one until much later in life.

Since Mister Meek wants to be left alone and Batman wants to punish him without going through any kind of legal process, Batman shoves Mister Meek in The Joker's empty cell at Arkham and then drops an anonymous email to Vicki Vale that a juicy story waits for her in Arkham. Mister Meek is going to get so much attention he'll probably kill himself. But according to Batman's very strict rules about what deaths can be blamed on him, this won't be his fault at all! Especially since he can't take Mister Meek to the police because this story is probably happening while the police are still letting anybody caught by The Batman back out on the streets.

Also, Batman now knows where Mister Meek buried the bodies because Batman is an expert on dirt.

Batman probably hopes The Joker does get pissed off and resurfaces. Although if he does, anybody The Joker kills isn't Batman's fault! Remember the rules!

Finally, Batman hangs around while all the bodies of the Potter's Field are unearthed because he "has to see." It's a kink of his, I think. Unless there's some message about Batman's character hidden within the story that I missed! Batman didn't punch a single person, so this story must have had some reason for being told! Probably something about how Batman hates poor people.

Batman #34 Rating: No change. Oh! I bet The Meek guy was the blackest black that is so black that you can't even fathom you're looking at something at all! You're looking at the nothing of something! But you have to look and look and look because you want to understand it but you can't understand it. Your mind just isn't capable of understanding something that you can't see. But you have to force yourself to look! You can't turn away or else you can't serve justice! Um. Or something. You figure out the rest of it! What am I? Some kind of comic book reading genius? No. You've got the wrong guy! I'm just a peddler of dick jokes!

New Suicide Squad #2

This looks like the cover to a DC Heroes Role Playing Game Module from the Eighties.

I don't think it's ever a good sign when a regular, $2.99 monthly comic book has seven creators listed on the cover. That says to me, "Deadlines were missed!" And then, from there, I extrapolate (that's this thing where you come up with an assumption based on a fact and, because every single person thinks they're a super intelligent, perceptive, intuitive genius, you believe the assumption just as strongly as you believe the fact. And even if your assumption is eventually proven wrong, it takes forever to get you to admit that you were wrong because admitting you're wrong means you are one step closer to being a mature adult and realizing you are actually a huge idiot and have been for your entire life. Why didn't anybody ever tell you?! How embarrassing!) that the art is going to be inconsistent and sloppy.

I should really tone down those lengthy parenthetical references! By the time the parentheses close, who can remember what the first half of the interrupted sentence was?!

At the end of last issue, the Rocket Reds had arrived in The New 52. They'll probably be bigger dicks than they were when they were first conceived because now they answer to Putin instead of Gorbachev. Also they're five stories tall. Unless that was just a misrepresentation by one of the dozens of artists working on the book.

I probably shouldn't exaggerate! One of the half dozen artists working on the book! That's better. I wouldn't want my position (that more artists make for a crappier comic book look) to seem weaker by trying to make it seem stronger through lying and manipulation! Sure, lying and manipulation can be a really effective way to sway the masses to your side! Right up until somebody points out that you're a liar and a manipulator. Although if you're a fair to middling liar and manipulator, that shouldn't stop you. Just lie and manipulate some more! The masses are pretty busy and they don't really have time to think about what they hear.

I knew two clowns were too many for this kitchen. That was an easy assumption to make because who even wants one clown in their kitchen?

Amanda Waller is trying to get some information from her team about the new Rocket Red Sentinel threat that suddenly cropped up. But why would they answer her questions? She's a jerko that's constantly threatening to blow their heads off. So Victor Sage begins asking questions but why would they answer him? They don't even know who he is or why he can't make a declarative statement or an exclamation.

Speaking of exclamations, can you believe the young children of my generation were taught that date rape was okay as long as you're good looking by that Schoolhouse Rock song about interjections? I'm not famous for my accuracy (or anything else) but the lyrics went something like this:

Geraldine played hard to get (unh unh hunh!)
But Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
Despite her objections
While Geraldine muttered some interjections!
"Hey! That's not fair! Giving a girl a shot down there!"
"Boo! He's running the wrong way!"
"Hey! You're kind of cute!" "Darn! That's the end!"

I usually change the lyrics to "He gave an infection with his meat injection" but decided to use the real lyrics since they're date rapey enough without my slimeball interference. Although, I admit, only one of the things she interjects is actually what she says: "You're kind of cute!" Which is why we learned that if you're good looking, women can't be serious about not wanting to have sex with you! They're obviously just playing hard to get!

This isn't the only song where Schoolhouse Rock shows its age. Singing happily about Manifest Destiny? Celebrating how the cotton gin made more money for plantation owners and the myth that it created less work for slaves as opposed to more work because more cotton needed to be harvested? Advocating communism by showing how the Lolly's ran their business by giving away all of the product free? Disgraceful!

Hopefully this lineup will change regularly. We need some cannon fodder on this team and none of these characters fit the bill.

I forget what the Squad's mission was last issue although I do remember it sounded like complete bullshit. So it probably doesn't matter that I've forgotten it. I'm sure the Squad finds it irritating that Sage and Waller are constantly jabbering at them via communicator while they're trying to work. The Squad doesn't need to be micromanaged! Okay, well, maybe they do but I find it annoying so I don't want them to be micromanaged. Just give them the mission and set them loose.

Deathstroke, being the smartest apple in the box of crayons, turns off his communicator when he gets an offer to work with the Russians. And that's why Deathstroke doesn't work well on a team! Besides the fact that he has a habit of killing off the members of his team so he doesn't have to work with a team, you also need to constantly pay him more money than the next guy. Eventually you're going to run up against a next guy with more money than you and you've lost him.

Oh look! I think Deathstroke found the next guy.

The rest of the Squad have fled to the subway where the Rocket Sentinels can't find them. Instead, a Russian military black ops team finds them. And pays the price, of course. The Squad might not work well together but they know how to kill and maim people to survive. The only thing the Squad underestimated was the Rocket Sentinels' lack of interest in maintaining Moscow's infrastructure.

How is the government going to pay for new streets and Deathstroke's salary? Stupid robots.

If I were a consultant being paid to help the Squad with their public image, the first advice I'd give would be for Deadshot to lose the four fucking pouches on his chest. You look like an idiot, Floyd. Knock it off. Also stop pretending to die at the end of an issue to create fake tension. Everybody knows that Deadshot always survives!

New Suicide Squad #2 Rating: No change. Most of this issue was Waller and Sage asking what was going on and Black Manta and Deadshot smarting off to them and refusing to answer their questions. The book would be better without the higher ups having to add their voices to the chaos of the mission. I would think, being that they don't want the super villain teams tied to the American government, radio silence would be rule number one. Waller and Sage should have three jobs: give the team the mission, drop them off, and then meet them at the extraction point. Between dropping them off and picking them up, they should just butt the fuck out. Let Manta lead instead of constantly asking him what's happening so that they can assess the situation and then tell Manta what to do. Trust your workers, jerkos! Oh! One other thing that Waller and Sage could do that would really make this book terrific: hire Condor for the next mission and get him killed!

Batgirl #34

In her spare time, Batgirl fires up the Batgirlcycle to do doughnuts inside her living room on top of Batman comic books? Weirdo.

I'm going to read this entire comic book without once mentioning the red-headed elephant in the room. I don't mean to call Gail Simone an elephant! I mean, I do but not because I've seen her bathe herself with water shot from her nostrils! I mean, I haven't seen her do that! Did it sound like I was saying I saw that because I didn't see that! I also didn't mean to imply I've ever seen how she performs her bathing rites! I meant this being her final issue is the elephant in the way that people call things elephants when they aren't going to talk about them but everybody is thinking about them and so the thing that nobody is going to talk about tramples all over everybody's good time and squashes it into jelly anyway! Also, I think this paragraph constitutes talking about how this issue is Gail Simone's final issue since I basically mentioned it by saying I wasn't going to mention it. Or something. That's called apophasis! Or something else, maybe.

Wow. That was an awkward start to this commentary. Perhaps we should just forget it ever happened and move on, never mentioning it again? Just like that elephant!

This issue begins with Bonerbreaker trying to tell Charise how much she wants to fuck her but Charise misunderstands.

I know Simone really likes Pasarin and Glapion's art but here are two little tips to them from me, a middling artist: 1. Shorter torsos. 2. Bigger eyes. Now that I've said "bigger eyes," I also want to recommend "smaller mouths" for some reason!

Batgirl has borrowed Big Daddy's boat and has taken her Mini-Birds of Prey (actually better than that Condor infested other Birds of Prey team) to beat the shit out of Knightfall on her yacht. I wonder if all the Oracle fans were thinking Babs was going to become paralyzed again by the end of this story? The name Knightfall goes hand in hand with broken bat spines! Speaking of broken bats, you know what bat I'd love to cork? Batgirl! That was a disgusting fuck joke. I want to fuck her.

I probably shouldn't objectify a fictional character, especially since I don't know how old she is. She isn't under eighteen, is she? She doesn't look like she is although you can never tell how old a character is because comic book artists are wildly inaccurate at portraying age. If David Finch were drawing this comic, I might think that Batgirl and her friends were still in middle school. If Chris Burnham were drawing this comic, I might suspect every character had had sub-dermal yogurt injections. If Rob Liefeld were drawing this comic, I'd probably consider seeking out a professional attorney and pursue a fraud lawsuit against him and DC. I may not be able to define "art" but I know it when I see it!

This issue is called "Crash and Burn" because a bunch of middle schoolers with tiny eyes are about to smash their boat into some long-waisted woman's yacht.

Why is she pointing out her men are mostly females? Her name is Obscura! She should be giving out less details!

As the Mini-Birds of Prey board Knightfall's yacht, Gretel blows up the Batmanboat with a rocket propelled grenade. I wonder what Bruce's policy is on people damaging items he's loaned them? I can't imagine anybody out there is willing to insure Batman's vehicles. And Bruce can't be taking on all the financial responsibility no matter how rich he is. Batfamily will begin taking advantage!

Wait. Her name isn't Bonerbreaker? Why didn't anybody tell me! Oh my god. This is so embarrassing.

Charise has gone off to change into her Knightfall suit so that she can come back out and break Batgirl over her knee!

Nearly speaking of Oracle, I read the Ostrander Suicide Squad run while it was on the shelves. It's one of my favorite comic series ever and I remember how surprising it was to find out that Oracle, this mystery person that had been helping the Squad for months, turned out to be Batgirl. I don't know if it was Ostrander's idea but it was genius storytelling. It was such a great way to bring Babs back into fighting crime after Joker and Alan Moore had taken her out. Of course, The Killing Joke was supposed to be an out of continuity story but I guess it was just too good not to become canon. I also read The Killing Joke off the shelf! That was just as big a shocker as finding out Oracle was Barbara Gordon. What was so great about the move from Batgirl to Oracle was that you very rarely saw serious changes like that in comic book characters. They just kept a fairly regular status quo for years. This was historic shit! I mean, as much as funny books can be called historic! Pop culture historic! That shit's even more important than political historic!

I told you she wanted to fuck Charise.

Remember earlier where I said I wanted to fuck Batgirl? That was a joke. I'm not attracted to Batgirl at all. Never have been. Not even Yvonne Craig Batgirl! Although Julie Newmar Catwoman? Holy smokes! Anyway, Batgirl just doesn't do it for me. Also, I could never betray Tig from I, Vampire. Or Amy from Futurama. Or Nightfall from Elfquest. Not Knightfall from this comic book! This Knightfall is the ugliest person I've ever seen because she's ugly underneath her skin. I mean, we're all ugly underneath our skin. But I mean it more figuratively than literally. Charise Carnes is ugly because she's a jerko.

While the Mini-Birds of Prey battle on Knightfall's yacht, Obscura and her army, along with Officer McKenna and the Gotham Police, battle the mercenaries Charise hired to murder all the criminals.

She also hired criminals to help murder all the criminals. Did I mention she was crazy?

Bolt keeps getting cameos but he hasn't been a major villain yet in The New 52. That disappoints me. Maybe he'll get more on-panel time since he does seem to be in a leadership role here!

Batgirl and Obscura hired a few superheroes to help out. Fairchild appears with Starfire. Unless it's one of Fairchild's clones. Or one of her clone's clones. Also Raven helps out too. Probably in exchange for some juicy information she can use to betray Red Robin and the other Titans.

No, no. Sorry! That was the old, Lobdelled Raven I was thinking of. I think this one is entirely new. I hope this one is entirely new. I hope the entire Lobdell run of Teen Titans has been shot in the head and buried in an unmarked grave.

Other female heroes that make the Battle Royale: Batwoman (taking down The White Rabbit who might be the crappiest villain to have been created in The New 52 but who I can't wait to see more of!), Vengeance Moth, Tremor, Katharsis, Virtue, Mouse and Burden (honorary females), Misfit, Wonder Girl, Skitters, Katana, Catwoman, Zatanna, Bleez, and Rainmaker. How Obscura got Bleez's contact info, I couldn't say. I couldn't say how Obscura does anything! But it's not my fault! Her name is Obscura!

Batgirl takes a page out of Wonder Woman's crimefighting book and beats Charise by hugging it out. Oh, Sweet Mercy, you scurrilous scamp, you! What are you doing in comic books? The good guys are supposed to win by punching and kicking! Oh well. Charise is grateful that Batgirl shows some compassion and lets Babs know that her brother James is not dead. That makes Batgirl happy and happy is what Batgirl has needed for a long time.

She also asks Tiny Eyes Alysia to go with her. I hope they don't go to Chicago!

Batgirl #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's nice to see somebody in Gotham treating a mentally ill person as if they need treatment more than a broken jaw and a jail cell. I guess Batman doesn't have time to care why people are running around in clown make-up murdering other people. He just knows he didn't choose that life and they did, so they deserve what they get. It's also nice to see Barbara moving past her anger and hurt and self-doubt. Go get a studio apartment in New York and hit the clubs, girl. You and Alysia need to fuck your way right through that town!

Justice League Canada #4

That's it! I quit!

This is the last straw, DC! Are you trying to drive me crazy? First you start off a comic book called Justice League United with Issue #0. But this Issue #0 doesn't have anything to do with any origins or retcons or secret shenanigans! It's just the first issue of a five part story arc! That, in itself, was practically intolerable! The name of the five part story is Justice League Canada because, for some reason, the characters are going to form a new Justice League with ties to Canada. Why? I don't know! And to prove that Canada was involved in a title called Justice League United, you stuck a maple leaf in the "D" in "United." But now you've gone and completely just changed the title of the comic book to Justice League Canada because you're just fucking with us at this point, aren't you? You do realize that some of us are uncomfortable with change and by pulling a stunt like this, you create psychic pain which results in the eventual beating of spouses, right? Stop being big jerkos, DC Comics! I can't stand how often you do minor, annoying things that barely matter which cause me to overreact in an irrational manner and expose my character flaws! You suck!

Oh! That's why they'll be affiliated with Canada! They'll probably use this as JLC Headquarters! Plus the free healthcare.

Miiyahbin has still not become a super hero. I think her name was going to be Twilight or Eclipse or Moonscalper or something. I think my brain is racist. It came up with "Moonscalper" without any prompting from me! Why is the working of the brain so mysterious that humans seem to separate themselves from their own thoughts sometimes? As if our identities aren't wholly wrapped up in our brains. What and who we are is the brain. You know what television show I already hate and it hasn't even aired yet? The Red Band Society. When that one fucking idiot says that they can't cut into your soul, I just want to reach deep into the television and slap his soul right across the face. Doctors can cut into your soul! It's called a lobotomy! Because the soul doesn't exist and it isn't who you are because it doesn't exist! You are your brain! And doctors can cut into brains, dumby! That show looks like excrement.

Sure, sure. We're, technically, more than our brain. Hormones, pain, the processing of various nutrients and chemicals: all of these things affect the way the brain works, essentially changing who we are by changes in the life support system of the brain (our body!). Even parasites and other organisms can radically alter our personality. It's all very complex. But that's what happens when you evolve into an organism that is really just a smorgasbord of specialized organisms living in a community that we regard as an individual. And out of all the pieces that make us who we are, not one of them is a soul.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the soul were actually a cosmic parasite that influenced all of our actions so that we lived in ways that helped sustain its life? Is that already a plot to a Philip K. Dick short story?

Meanwhile on Rann, people are arguing about the creation of Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds, and the death of Hawkman.

Shouldn't they be celebrating?

I guess the main conflict of the story ended last issue when Byth and Twat Lobo escaped? If that's the case, I admit I'm a bit surprised that was it. It's possible more shit can still go down on Rann but this is the last chapter of Justice League Canada, so we're going to have to get on with Horizon's origin. Unless her name was Shy Burrito. And then there's the scene where everybody signs contracts and waivers to be admitted to the team. And what about the part where Buddy Baker has to explain to his family how he's getting back into the super hero game?

Why does Martian Manhunter have a Trivial Pursuit playing piece on his chest? It must be Martian Trivial Pursuit because it has more wedges than the Earth version. Also all the wedges are the same color. I bet they're all questions about fire safety.

When did Supergirl become all emotionally mature and crap? Or is she just upset that she has competition for best bum on the team? I'm talking about Green Arrow's bum, not Stargirl's.

Hawkman has not yet come back to life. He lost an arm earlier and then he came back to life, so he should be coming back to life soon. No wait! He never came back to life after losing his arm in this comic book. That was in Futures End! Why is Hawkman's Futures End life paralleling his Justice League Canada life? I bet it means something! Maybe he's fated to lose his arm and die over and over and over again. Maybe he learned that was going to be his curse if he took up the mantle as Hakwman which is why Hawkman #1 began with him burning the suit. He was trying to outwit a prophecy.

Meanwhile in Canada, Alanna reveals that she and Adam Strange have already been married. That's not a good sign because DC can only have one married couple and Animal Man has taken that role. Alanna also decides to wear a Blue Space Suit similar to her husband's, so she's a super hero too now. I guess Alanna and Adam will be the Ralph and Sue of Justice League Canada. I was hoping Buddy and Ellen were going to have that job. See what happens when DC allows too many characters to be in long-term relationships?

Yay! The Dibny position is all Buddy and Ellen's!

Twat Lobo helps Byth steal Hawkman's body so Byth can extract the Nth metal. Twat Lobo does this so that he can learn the location of The Real Deal Lobo and destroy him. That's probably where the story will begin in the monthly series, Twat Lobo. On sale at all Twat Comic Book Stores in Twatember!

Miiyahbin says her magic word and becomes the First Nations superhero known as...well fuck it. I forget what she was supposed to be called and I should probably just stop guessing. Oh wait! Equinox! I think there is a lesson there. Just as I gave up, I discovered the truth! Giving up works!

Also, the rest of the team returns from Rann (except Adam Strange because he and Alanna are now in a weird long distance zeta beam relationship) and discuss forming the new team.

Well that's just fucking confusing now, isn't it?

Justice League Canada #4 Rating: No change. If they're going to name their team "Justice League" anything, forget stepping foot back in America. Batman will slap them with a trademark infringement lawsuit so quickly that they'll probably say something funny about how quickly they were slapped with the lawsuit. I think this team is well balanced! They have some really heavy hitters to be on the front line of any cosmic threat and then they have Green Arrow who hopefully has some broom and mop arrows because he's going to be spending a lot of time in the headquarters. Hopefully this series will be about creating various Justice Leagues across the globe so that we can see some B and C Listers making it onto Justice League Rosters. Maybe not as silly as Justice League Antarctica. But close! Fingers crossed! Does crossing my fingers mean that I'm hoping for crazy teams or that I'm lying about hoping for crazy teams?

Constantine #17

Remember when people were up in arms about DC's new logo and then they immediately forgot about it and now nobody remembers what the old logo looked like at all?

When I purchased my stack of comic books last week, my comic shop owner asked me what I thought of Constantine. I said, "Eh. I didn't really like his involvement in super hero groups or his need to be shown as more 'heroic' in The New 52." I didn't realize I had Constantine rated at about #38 of Not Even Close to 52 Comics but I think that's an "eh" rating. Maybe worse. He then asked how I liked it compared to Hellblazer and that was a different question entirely! It doesn't even come close to comparing! Forget that Constantine can't say cunt anymore. Integrating the Vertigo characters into the mainstream titles severely limits what the writers can do with them due to the constraints of New 52 continuity.

I'm hoping Ray Fawkes and the Constantine editors have realized how limiting The New 52 is on Constantine and are beginning to cut his ties with the other characters. Last issue, Constantine removed a spell placed on him by Zatanna to be a better person. That sounds like a step in the right direction since two of my problems with him right now are his love for Zatanna and his need to be a mystic cop for the DC Universe. The further he distances himself, the better Constantine will be.

Winding up in World War I is a good start.

Due to magic hocus pocus, Constantine finds himself in Tanzania in 1914. That was like 100 years ago or something. Hey! Remember when one of the main reasons for Flashpoint and The New 52 was to put an end to time travel in DC Comics? Remember how that lasted hardly any time at all because shitty writers like Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell (Tott Dedell!) didn't realize what this meant and continued to write stories about time traveling characters from alternate futures? Remember how their editors were the worst because they didn't tell them that they were fucking up the whole Flashpoint idea? What a couple of silly guys!

Even though Constantine is now 100 years in the past, he's still thinking about time as if it's still currently running in San Dimas. He thinks that while sitting on the beach in Dar es Salaam in 1914, events he planned to take down Sargon and Tannarak and the Cult of the Cold Flame are taking place in 2014. I don't think that's how time works, John! I mean, well, wait. Maybe it is? I suppose whatever happens in 2014 happens in 2014 no matter what. So John can speculate on how the events played out even if they won't play out for another 100 years. And he could be right or he could be wrong or he could just light up a cigarette and realize he can't do anything about it in his current situation anyway.

Why does Foghorn Leghorn know more about history than Constantine?

Constantine continues to think about how the plan to take down Tannarak should be progressing. He was supposed to appear near the Cult of the Cold Flame, presumably to take his part in the plan. I'm willing to bet his part of the plan occurs at the end of Julia and Spellbinder's assault on Sargon and Tannarak, so he'll still arrive in time to light up and say something snarky once he figures out how to time travel into the future. You know, by some other means than the one we all use every minute since John will never make it to 2014 using the regular method of forward time travel. It's so slow!

Foghorn Leghorn had a posh accent?

Constantine remembers a few stories about Doctor Occult and what he was doing in 1914. Turns out he was in Dar es Salaam trying to cast a spell to prevent war for all time. Seven of the greatest mages of the time across the world were working on the spell. Too bad one of those mages was Anton Arcane who was always a huge dickhole and never wanted to see war end in the first place. But since Doctor Occult doesn't know that, he still thinks he can save the world. But first he needs to remove the interfering limey by casting a spell to send him back where he came from. Well, isn't that convenient!

Didn't Doctor Occult die in the House of Secrets? Poor House of Secrets! What did it ever do to get itself completely ignored by The New 52. It was supposed to reappear in All Star Western but that story changed for some reason. Hopefully the reason was because The House of Secrets is going to get its own title soon! And it will be as good or better than the one by Steven T. Seagle back in whenever that series came out!

When John is transported back through time, he tries to muck with Occult's spell so that he arrives in the time and place where John wants and not where Doctor Occult planned. In the process, he loses his Foghorn Leghorn Moonblade which remains in 1914 with Doctor Occult. Constantine shoots right past his arrival date and five years into the future so that he can be one of the few characters that's really participating in his Futures End comic book as opposed to the other heroes whose issues are just fantasy and speculation. I think. Or something.

Constantine #17 Rating: No change. Too bad Tannarak and The Cult of the Cold Flame got away again! Because that means they're still going to be involved in this comic book and I'm completely bored with them as antagonists. And what's up with Tannarak and that stupid blindfold? Does he have assholes for eyes? Man, I miss Hellblazer!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #11

Doomed is Superman's Knightfall except his enemies are escaping the Phantom Zone rather than a poorly secured old timey mansion.

This issue begins with another crappy article by Lois Lane although this might be the one with the least amount of editing errors. I don't know where she's finding time to publish these articles when she's been so busy trying to enslave the world and now she's busy trying to free it. She probably has Jimmy Olsen under some kind of mind control and forcing him to write and publish the articles for her. That explains why they've been so awful and why the accompanying photos that Jimmy obviously couldn't have taken were attributed to him.

The first chapter of Last Sun was entitled "Assimilation." That means chapter two should probably be called something other than "Assimilation." But it isn't. It isn't at all called something different. Chapter Two, and here's the twist that the smarter readers may have already seen coming, is called "Assimilation." I don't actually think both chapters were called "Assimilation" though. I just think whoever has been in charge of the Doomed! title pages over the last few issues doesn't have a job in comics anymore.

At the end of the last chapter of Doomed, Mongul and Non had escaped the Phantom Zone. Remember Non as played by Jack O'Halloran?!

Other roles played by rocky faced Jack: Yeti, Ooloo the Giant, Moose, and Truck.

The first few pages of this issue have Mongul and Non retreating back into The Phantom Zone because they're not afraid of being bottled by Brainiac at all. No, no. Mongul just remembered that he forgot to turn the Warworld oven off. And Non just remembered that he preferred battling Superman when he could use his super breath for five minutes to fit in all the great sight gags that the producers forced the writers to put into the script.

Superman II Producer X: "What if we have the villains use their super breath on downtown Metropolis? Then we can see a guy about to eat an ice cream cone and the ice cream can fly off the cone and into somebody else's face!"
Superman II Producer Y: "Oh yeah! And we'll have a bunch of cars flip by and then some guy on roller skates can zoom past backwards!"
Superman II Producer Z: "Oh! Oh! Then some movie producers can be just about to suck down some blow when their snow goes flying off the black granite bathroom counter top and straight up the nose of some big breasted bombshell that immediately takes off her clothes and starts banging the producers!"

Not all of their ideas made it into the movie.

Superman and J'onn head off to rescue Steel, Lana, and Cyborg. Luckily J'onn is heading up this mission because the only plan Superman could come up with was to put them in the Phantom Zone.

"--but the men are taking care of things."

I don't like that Superman and Martian Manhunter are fighting side by side without my first having seen an on-panel apology by J'onn for attacking the entire Justice League back when he was allowed to join. I'm going to hold Superman's grudge for him. Batman can carry his own grudge.

For maybe twice in the last 75 years, Batman doesn't have a plan. Okay, maybe this is actually the first time he doesn't have a plan in 75 years because have you reread Knightfall lately? I think Bruce planned getting his own back broken! What a tricky bastard, that one! But Wonder Woman and Superman each have their own plan. Superman will purposely stress himself out so that he has an outbreak of Doomsday Simplex 2. This will hopefully give him enough power to destroy Brainiac's ship but he may also get stuck as Doomsday again. Wonder Woman heads into The Phantom Zone to see if she can rent Warworld. She is the God of War, after all! That's practically her vehicle by right!

Hmm. I thought there would be more to it after Wonder Woman called to Mongul and Superman confronted his Doomsday mental demon. But the final few pages just confirm what I said was going to happen in the last paragraph so I'm suddenly out of story to comment on! How about I say this: remember when Superman had a zombie Lana Lang from another reality living in his head? Why isn't she hanging out with Doomsday?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #11 Rating: No change. This was a pretty quick read. I really enjoy quick reads because it allows me to do things other than comment on DC Comics! Like go see Dave Foley. And play Titanfall. And read The Last Unicorn which I've only read one sentence of so far. Something about a stupid, lonely unicorn living in a lilac wood or something. I hope the entire book isn't going to be about a unicorn! I hope there's some bumbling magician as well! And a monstrous red bull! That would be cool. Also, there should probably be some virgins since unicorns really love virgins for some reason. Virgins are only good for one thing! Quieting volcanic gods! And they're not even really needed for that! Threatening to throw virgins into volcanoes is simply a way to get young people to put out quickly. "Hmm. Volcano is rumbling again. Probably needs a few tight assed virgins to quiet it down." Suddenly virgins are fucking everything that moves!