Batman #34

Batman, the Mad Photobomber.

Who's ready for a new Batman story?! It's been ages since Batman has battled anybody except The Riddler. I think thirty of the last thirty four issues were part of Zero Year. And the other thirty issues were Court of Owls stories! And whatever left over was Death in the Family.

I might not be very good at math.

This issue begins with Batman learning that black is no longer the blackest color. So black as midnight on a moonless night is no longer the blackest thing there is?! What could possibly be blacker than that?! Shaft?

The black thing will probably be important later on. Unless it's just Gerry Dugan's unprofessional way of beginning his writing piece by talking about something that has nothing to do with the heart of the story. So amateurish.

Since when did Bruce Wayne become a private investigator? Who is this Leslie Thompkins?!

That was a rhetorical question in that previous caption! Of course I know who Doctor Leslie Thompkins is! She's that rat that might have sold out Batman's secret identity to Spyral and the reason Nightwing was forced to go undercover. I'm surprised Batman is still speaking with her!

This issue, Batman plans on pretending that he isn't starring in a weekly comic book that's taking up all of his attention even though he's barely appeared in it for weeks. Maybe that's because he was busy tracking down this killer that is killing Dr. Thompkins' patients. Tonight, Batman reminds everybody (or just a few people) why he's known as The World's Most Pretty Decent Detective!

Batman realizes that all the best cartoon detectives were dogs, so he hires a homeless dog to do most of the work for him. It's an odd choice since Batman is after a red pickup truck and aren't dogs colorblind? This plan will never work! Unless the dog can see the blackest black ever invented! I bet the blackest black is a metaphor for sexy butt stuff.

I wonder if Batman had to endure a thirty second, goofy conversation with some citizen as he climbed past their window?

The homeless dog leads Batman to a clue! Batman looks at the clue and thinks, "This is probably the most important clue I will find all night! It is the clueiest clue I've ever found! And I did it all by myself!" Then he nudged the dog outside and shut the door. "I am the greatest detective in the world, ma!"

The clue he found was a bottle of drugs with Doctor Thompkins' home address on it. So Batman disguises himself as Doctor Thompkins and pretends to be a victim. But he's not a victim! That's the twist! When the bad guy, Mister Meek, tries to kill him, Batman removes his sexy doctor face and says, "Ha ha! I am The Jeezly Crow Batman! And I have you now!"

So Mister Meek is Sean Hannity?

Mister Meek just wants to be left alone to do what he loves doing. Hey! That's what I want! Except the thing I like doing isn't murdering people, so I probably don't have to worry about Batman stopping me. I enjoy critiquing things like comic books and religious texts. I probably won't be hunted down by anyone until I get to The Koran. So I'll leave that one until much later in life.

Since Mister Meek wants to be left alone and Batman wants to punish him without going through any kind of legal process, Batman shoves Mister Meek in The Joker's empty cell at Arkham and then drops an anonymous email to Vicki Vale that a juicy story waits for her in Arkham. Mister Meek is going to get so much attention he'll probably kill himself. But according to Batman's very strict rules about what deaths can be blamed on him, this won't be his fault at all! Especially since he can't take Mister Meek to the police because this story is probably happening while the police are still letting anybody caught by The Batman back out on the streets.

Also, Batman now knows where Mister Meek buried the bodies because Batman is an expert on dirt.

Batman probably hopes The Joker does get pissed off and resurfaces. Although if he does, anybody The Joker kills isn't Batman's fault! Remember the rules!

Finally, Batman hangs around while all the bodies of the Potter's Field are unearthed because he "has to see." It's a kink of his, I think. Unless there's some message about Batman's character hidden within the story that I missed! Batman didn't punch a single person, so this story must have had some reason for being told! Probably something about how Batman hates poor people.

Batman #34 Rating: No change. Oh! I bet The Meek guy was the blackest black that is so black that you can't even fathom you're looking at something at all! You're looking at the nothing of something! But you have to look and look and look because you want to understand it but you can't understand it. Your mind just isn't capable of understanding something that you can't see. But you have to force yourself to look! You can't turn away or else you can't serve justice! Um. Or something. You figure out the rest of it! What am I? Some kind of comic book reading genius? No. You've got the wrong guy! I'm just a peddler of dick jokes!