Justice League 3000 #2

Go go Locus dance power!

Fuck you all! Locus is my new favoritist favorite of all time favorite! None of you assholes like her more than I do so go suck your dad's cock! Again! Ha ha! Good one, me and Judd Winick! Man, I wish Judd Winick read my blog. I bet he and I would be the best of friends. Except for the fact that I'm overly facetious and usually everything less than serious and he seems a bit sentimental and emotionally stolid. I'm going to start coining terms like "emotionally stolid" which cancel themselves out and become non-descriptors! You can't use those without paying me royalties, you thieving leeches. Go come up with your own ideas on your own boring blogs!

Anyway, getting back to me and my inexpressible love of Locus, I just wanted everybody to know that I loved her the most first and every other person out there that eventually likes her is jumping on my bandwagon and you'd better fucking get the hell off of it right now! Geez! It feels so good to be so overly enthusiastic about something that you can only make other people feel bad about the thing you love! It's exhilarating! No wonder people do this shit all the time!

Boy (or Girl although that sounds weird. Watch. I'll start over). Girl, I hope Locus is an awesome character now. See? "Girl" completely changes the attitude of the speaker (which is me!) from a person telling another person something as opposed to "Boy" which expresses something different that I would explain but it's way over your head and you wouldn't understand it at all.

What's wrong with me? Every time I see somebody wearing a normal Superman shirt, I immediately think the "S" is backwards and they're wearing a Bizarro shirt. Is it wishful thinking or do I have a learning disability? "I'm sorry, Tess. You've got Super-Dyslexia. The good news is it only affects Superman's logo. The bad news is you're going to look like a right asshole every time you scream 'Bizarro!' at people wearing Superman shirts."

The title of this issue is "Things Fall Apart" so yet another instance where somebody is pulling lines out of my favoritest favorite of all time favorite poem that I'm sick of everybody quoting already. Just knock it off! You don't get it the way I get it! Especially if the first time you heard it was watching that awful fucking show Heroes (some of it was not awful but most of it was based on lazy story telling so suck it, Heroes!).

This is my favoritest favorite of all time favorite little alien guy that you probably didn't notice while reading this comic book because you're in no way even as close to as observant as I am! Although you might be able to form better sentences than me. At least my Uncle Jerry can't form better sentences than me because he would have corrected me after that last sentence and said, "than I." The big dope!

Currently, The Justice League 3000 Gang are busy trying to invade Flatmas 12 for some reason. They probably need to defeat one of the Five. The Five are like Legion of Doom 3000 but with less members and better technology. One of them is probably named Lucas! I mean Locus!

Terry and Teri, the Wonder Twins, are trying to micro-manage The JL3K Gang since the JL3K Gang really don't know what they're exactly capable of. At this point, their bodies and minds are translations of translations of translations and there have been some fairly glaring errors in some of the iterations so that they don't exactly remember what they are capable and incapable of doing.

Does the Imperium actually need to be taken down? Maybe you should take a closer look at yourselves and ask, "What is it about *me* that I don't fit in?"

As The Wonder Twins discuss the current JL3K Gang mission, Terry (unless it's Teri) mentions "The Persuader." So the Five that the JL3K Gang are going up against are merely The Fatal Five? Did the JL3K Gang simply replace The Legion of Super-Heroes in this future? A future where Cadmus has continued to somehow persist for countless generations? Countless being a figurative usage of the term since I'm sure somebody with a really good calculator could come up with a number. I hope Brother Eye and OMAC have been left in the past. Although I'm sure Maxwell Lord still exists as a talking head or something. He probably runs this entire operation.

Intelligence reports indicate that the fabulous Locus has been seen on Flatmas 12 and this freaks the fuck out of the Wonder Twins. Apparently Locus can control reality which means she can turn forks into spoons or force cats to live with dogs. She can also turn shriveled old cynical hearts into fully blossoming emotional love muscles. *swoon*

Superman 3000 is a stupid prick.

And then finally, at a bar on Flatmas 12, we get our first look at Locus. And she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. She's bitter and angry and resentful and full of venomous words that I can't get enough of! Make me swell with your aural venom, Locus! Take me in your mouth and rend me in half with your vicious, biting words! Lift me up into the cynicism of your desperation! Hug me with your romantic despair! Fill up every one of my orifices with your embittered oratory until I'm black and blue from the anti-coagulants of your spiteful anger! This is one unstolid dream kitten and I've got the biggest love boner in the world.

You can't get in sexual harassment trouble from love boners! They are romantic instead of inappropriate!

If only I'd met this vision in real life at the ice rink I spent so much time in in my youth! Couples Skate? Yes please! *swoon*

Locus is not one of the Five but just the bestest underling any evil organization could ever have! But besides Persuader, Coeval is another one of the Five. Coeval is a "spontaneously generated Glimmernet life-form." I'm sure there's a genius reason why it's called "Coeval" but I can't come up with it. I think it was created when the Universe began or something. Except Glimmernet didn't exist then so maybe something else. Fuck, don't look at me! Come up with your own theories and then tell them to me and then I'll say "Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well" and take the wind out of your sails by showing you that your idea was so beneath me that I'd considered it and discarded it in practically the same instant. I suppose I could also say "meh" and just shit right in your mouth. Anybody on the internet that has ever answered you with "meh" basically pooped in your open mouth. And you probably liked it!

Before the JL3K Gang can get a lay of the land and begin their mission, Locus welcomes them to Flatmas 12.

Get away from her, "Green" Lantern! I don't really know why I put "Green" in quotes but I'm sure it was an incredibly insulting commentary on how clumsy he is with his penis.

Superman quickly gets his ass beat by Locus and then Wonder Woman queues up for her turn. Also Locus begins calling Green Lantern her boyfriend but he's not buying into it. What an idiot. Also, how good can her reality controlling powers be if she can't just make Green Lantern desire her?

Ick. That ability is a bit of a turn off. I think I still love Locus but I'm going to have to be sick while I gaze dreamily at her over the vomit bucket.

So The Flash 3000 has just been broken down to his messy, base constituents. Hopefully one of the powers he has that he didn't know about is reforming himself from a pile of goo.

Locus shrinks Green Lantern 3000 down and swallows him while saying something sexy about being safe and sound inside her. And then she teleports the last living members of the JL3K Gang to a place called Takron-Galtos where Coeval will be waiting to fuck with them.

Justice League 3000 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, sure. Locus's character has some sexist and superficial aspects written into it. But I just can't bring myself to be too concerned when she looks at me with those reality distorting eyes and that "I can turn you into dog shit" grin. She's the kind of woman I long to be subjugated by! Until I actually meet her and realize I can't stand her fucking bullshit and she was much better as simply a fantasy which probably speaks to the dangers of projecting your fantasies and fetishes on other individuals. But you can't consider that kind of intellectual mumbo jumbo if you want to live life! You just have to throw yourself into the ring, flawed thinking and dysfunctional habits and all! Go get 'em, you sexist, racist, misanthropic miserable fucking bastards! Grab life by the balls and make a complete fucking cunt of yourself! You can apologize and feel shame later. You know, if you're not a complete sociopath.

Earth 2 #19

DC Comics, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's time to let go of your dependence on the word "unleashed." If you want, I'll allow you to skip straight to Step Nine because y'all got a lot of shit to apologize to the fans for!

Why are you reading this? I didn't invite you! Get the fuck out of here! Are you hoping to hear a secret, sexy tale about how I once masturbated in the employee bathroom of a Kentucky Fried Chicken? Well, um, you aren't going to hear that story because I just made it up! But if I hadn't made it up, I assure you that I washed my hands before getting back to marinating the chicken. But don't try to change the subject! I don't want you reading my New 52 Web Journal anymore! It's off limits to you! I could point you to some other websites that talk about The New 52 but they're probably all Vlogs and those Vloggers are fucking lazy douchebags that just like to run their mouths on camera! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"! Have you ever noticed how much a capital "W" looks like a bird's beak pointing downward?

Okay. Now that everybody is gone, I definitely feel more comfortable. The pressure is gone! I can go back to boring descriptions of the plot without feeling I need to entertain anyone. I hope none of them noticed I wasn't wearing pants during that last paragraph.

Last issue, Replacement Batman shot Joker in the face. It's okay though! Joker was in stasis so I don't think he felt any pain since pain can only be experienced across time. Also, I don't think anybody was really very worried about Joker's euthanasia and how humanely it was performed. Replacement Batman did not shoot Aquawoman or Jimmy Olsen (aka Accountable!) in the face because he needs their help to defeat Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!). It seems like a lot of trouble for a couple of people that don't have any Kryptonite on them.

This is Flip the Fuck Out Superman's first big mistake: leaving the smartest people on Earth 2 alive. Jay Garrick is not one of those people. He's probably the 5,653,000,003rd smartest person on Earth 2. And that's being generous.

As Flip the Fuck Out Superman flies off with his prey, Beguile attacks with an army of Parademons. I'm sure Green Lantern will be able to handle that. Wherever he's gotten off to. But Replacement Batman won't be dealing with it because he's just learned from Flip the Fuck Out Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen that there is an alien within the compound that Replacement Batman should probably get his dick into. That's slang for getting his meat-hooks all up in him.

This is the alien! Also, The World Army has some of the tightest uniforms I've ever seen. That guard's pants are disappearing right up inside her.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman deposits his parcel of smart people (and Jay) on the lawn of the White House in Washington DC (that's the capital of the United States of America for all of you Americans out there reading this). He tells Bedlam that Americans love symbols of power and decides to show them one of his own. So he emasculates America by ripping America's most famous phallus out by the roots.

Just in case some people weren't paying attention to the maniac ripping out huge memorials, a few helpful people in the crowd point it out.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman tells America it is fucked by smashing the phallus down into the White House. He must not be a very good lover because he completely misses the Oval Office. If only Red Tornado had been there to guide him in.

Meanwhile in Monaco or Morocco or whatever, Hawkwoman is probably doing something. And over in The Gotham City That Time Forgot, Big Barda and Scott Free are all up to whatever. I just thought somebody should check in with them!

Down in the alien's apartment (his name is Val! Fuck if I know why I typed that. I'll never remember it and will just wind up calling him something stupid), the alien collapses because meeting Batman is painful? I'm sure it will make more sense when I turn the page. Val is probably a Martian and he's picking up on the fact that Replacement Batman hates fucking Oreo cookies. I mean, he fucking hates them. He doesn't hate sticking his dick into them until he orgasms. He might hate that! I'm just clarifying and not declaring that he hates or loves Oreo cookies in an intimate and erotic way.

Oh, that was my other guess but I figured Earth 2 Krypton, being a representation of The Golden Age of DC Comics, was just full of whitey white-ass white Kryptonians.

Terry Sloan must have decided to keep Val (Val-el! He'll probably become Valor!) locked up in the sub-sub-subiest-sub-basement of them all so that he never absorbed any yellow sunlight and remained a weak little nobody. Replacement Batman had better get that Kryptonite out of there quick then because Val doesn't have any added strength or resistance built up from yellow sun exposure.

Oh! I just realized who Replacement Batman is based on that five o'clock shadow! It's Jon Hamm! Or maybe J'on H'amm if he's martian!

Back in Washington, Flip the Fuck Out Superman gives his press conference. It turns out that Apokolips is circling the cosmic drain and Darkseid needs a new home. He has chosen Earth because of its beautiful, beautiful (if somewhat tiny) chairs. Such glorious chairs to sit upon! Recliners! Bar stools! Love seats! Massage chairs! It will be the dawning of a new age of relaxation! And the humans that are strong will live to work in the fire pits and the chair factories! Churning out fire and chair by the ass-load! And Darkseid will look down upon them all and he will see that it is good.

Bedlam has been left in charge of Sloan and Mister Terrific because they are to build an enormous Boom Tube capable of BOOMING Earth into the space Apokolips currently occupies. That makes sense. Darkseid probably weighs more than the Earth and is harder to relocate.

No wait! I really just realized who Replacement Batman is! It's Alfred Pennyworth! Holy shit that would be my favorite thing in the world. It's probably Dick Grayson though. Or maybe it's Alfred's lover?

Replacement Batman sends Lois Tornado off to the Batcave with Jimmy Olsen and Val. He, Aquawoman, and Kym the World Army Security Guard get a lift from Hawkwoman. I guess she got out of the trouble she was in when we last saw her. Perhaps I was supposed to forget about that since it has been quite a few months now.

The issue finishes on a one page epilogue which basically says, "Don't forget Alan Scott! He's still alive! He'll be back!" As if anybody out there thought he was dead. Still no sign of Big Barda and Mister Miracle though.

Earth 2 #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. I really am glad at the turn this comic book has taken over the last half year or so. It's become less about restarting The Justice Society and more about creating a real alternate Earth with new characters and a mysterious history that we'll get to learn about as more stories are told. I fucking love this shit. Even with the Reboot, DC Comics has too much history wrapped up in New Earth. But Earth 2 is innocent and new and full of wonder and excitement, like a puppy humping a newborn in the ear. I always wanted Mera to be the champion of the Aquaman comic book and now we have Aquawoman on the team (although "Aquawoman" is aquaward to say!). And now Replacement Batman has discovered Replacement Superman! I just love that this series can go in so many different directions. In terms of a "reboot," this now feels like DC's biggest success.

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Action Comics #27

Aww! Is Ukur the Beast Lord looking for his widdle Monster Son?

Glancing over at my bookshelf, I'd forgotten that I have this book:

It was stacked flat on top of a bunch of Sandman Books and Alan Moore trades, lying between House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski and Ring by Koji Suzuki. It was given to me by my friend Mark in Seattle quite a few years ago. I don't remember why. We were both probably very drunk at the time. Here's a picture of the back cover:

I really wish he were holding it with the back cover showing so we could get some infinite recursion going on right in front of his pee pee!

Oh wait! This is cute. This is the cover of the book without the dust jacket.

It's a very interesting book if you like reading about ding-a-lings. And it has lots of great facts like the farthest medically recorded ejaculation was 23.5 inches! I should measure from my penis to my eyeball to see if I have that beat because I'm fairly certain I've hit myself in the eye on occasion while masturbating! That's got to be about two feet, right? I should invite a doctor over to witness my display sometime!

Here's another good one. If you've recently read Genesis, it'll sound familiar. "When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors would place their hands over the testicles of a witness to indicate their sincerity and honesty. Words like "testify" and "testament" all derive from this unique association." Abraham and his descendants go all over the place cupping each others bollocks. And yet nobody runs around shouting that that tradition should be upheld! Fucking hypocrites!

One last picture before I finish reading the Penis Book and actually open up Action Comics #27.

I usually just say masturbation every time I bring it up in my commentaries! I'm so unimaginative!

If you're into books with pictures of cocks that you can leave on your bookshelf in plain view for anybody to see, I highly recommend The Penis Book. It's funny, entertaining, and full of enlightening facts about a guy's constant companion that he probably doesn't really know all that much about. Mostly guys just know where they like to stick it and they stop caring about anything else. Anyway, that's Tess Ate Chai Tea's Book Review Corner!

So Action Comics begins with Clark Kent remembering when he was seven years old and about to fling himself out of a tree because he believes that he can fly. Now, he hasn't had that moment yet where he hovers in mid-air yet, so I don't think he has any real reason to believe that he can fly except for the fact that he knows he won't die when he falls fifty feet and lands awkwardly on his neck. So why not give it a fucking go, right? Plus, he just recently nearly toasted his father with his heat vision. And if you suddenly find that your eyes fire lasers, flying should be a piece of fucking cake, right? But before he throws himself out of the tree for the fourth time in a row, his super-hearing kicks in and he hears Ma and Pa Kent talking about him.

Pa Kent: "He's a little freak, Martha!"
Ma Kent: "Don't say that, Johnny! He's beautiful!"
Pa Kent: "But he ain't human! He's hungry and he's desperate to get his fill!"
Ma Kent: "*giggle* Johnny! Stop it! What if Clark hears?!"
Pa Kent: "Oh, he's out throwing himself out of the tree. We've got time! Now come on! Kiss the little one-eyed freak!"
Ma Kent: "Okay. But I've got my own little drooling alien that's hungry too. And mine's a cannibal! It's going to feast on your freak!"
Pa Kent: "Why Martha Kent! You seductress you! Come here!"
Ma and Pa Kent: *lots and lots of sex noises*
Clark Kent: "Make it stop! For the love of God, how do I stop hearing!?"

After hearing his parents fuck long and hard, Clark finds it difficult to be around them.

Do they explain that not all babies come from outer space in a rocket ship?

Clark is having this memory because he currently has a little dragon boy in a giant cake dish curled up around Superman's cape. The little dragon boy keeps calling Superman stupid in Japanese. It seems to be the only word the kid knows. Or it just recognizes that Superman is actually that nerdy loser Clark Kent.

No, that's your name, stupid! He kind of looks a bit like Teen Titans Cartoon Beast Boy, doesn't he?

The Dragon Boy escapes and begins running around touching all of Clark's stuff. The only thing he ever says is "baka" which should make Superman question whether or not he was correct that the boy is speaking a language. Usually when somebody is speaking another language, they have more than one word for things. But everything is a "baka" to this kid! Maybe his language only has two words! One for himself and one for "The Other."

While Superman tries to figure out Dragon Boy's language (which is really difficult when Dragon Boy calls everything the same thing), Lana Lang calls and tells him she's about to go Lara Croft on the hole out of which the monster emerged. Clark points out that Lana is an electrical engineer and not an archaeologist and that maybe she should wait for somebody else. Lana points out that she's dressed just like Lara Croft plus she has a high-tech gun and what else do you need to explore ancient ruins and also go fuck yourself, Clark?

Lana Lang enters the hole while secretly being followed by Ghost Soldier. Eventually she finds an old ancient ruin with some kind of red sun magic lantern thing hovering above it. This is a bit like the DC Comics Presents issue when Superman and Hawkgirl explored an ancient ruin and were sucked into some kind of a black hole or something. Except this story is different in every single way. Like Lana Lang doesn't have wings.

And Superman was the one to fight the monsters.

At least Lana was prepared to fight giant monsters with her little electric gun she rigged up because she's an electrical engineer. I'm sure she'll be okay. Especially if she can convince the monsters to turn into children.

These must be more shapeshifting children since they're all chained to the walls. I guess their shackles must shapeshift with them. But why would they be chained in these ruins far underground? Is there a possible clue somewhere about who might be behind it?! It must be some kind of Beast Lord or something that's captured them all!

Superman shows up with his new sidekick, Baka the Dragon Boy. And Lana is happy that he's arrived to help but still fuming that Clark called her "just an electrical engineer." Although he didn't call her that. He never said "just," you jerko! He pointed out your chosen field did not grant you the same kind of expertise that you would have if you were an archaeologist and that perhaps you weren't the best suited to go down into some ancient forgotten ruin all by yourself. Especially knowing that at least one monster came out of those ruins. Stop being offended at something nobody even said, Lana. You're just arguing with your own low self-esteem at this point! He didn't even imply anything! The inference was all in your head. Now calm down and start shooting things. But not Superman. Don't shoot Superman!

Oh! Or Baka the Dragon Boy! Sheesh!

Lana and Clark argue for a bit because Lana is a total Backseat Supergirl and The Day After the Game Quarterback! She points out that Superman was supposed to throw cute little Baka the Dragon Boy into the sun. Clark points out that she doesn't sign his fucking paychecks so she doesn't get to tell him what to do. Lana points out that Baka is a monster. Clark points out that Baka speaks another language! Lana points out that it says one fucking word over and over again. Clark points out that Lana is a total bitch. Lana points out that Clark is a sexist fucktard.

Luckily, Ukur the Beast Lord arrives to break up the squabble. Although he actually just causes more trouble by zapping Baka the Dragon Boy and causing Baka to turn into Baka the Very Large and Extremely Angry Blue Dragon. It spits lightning all over the cavern, triggering a cave in. When the dust settles, everybody calms down and takes a few seconds to talk.

Ukur says, "A few words in a strange script. A few words irange scr ipt. Strange script."

Ukur points out that he and his beasts aren't enemies of the above-grounders. He and his monsters protect them from the citizens of Imperial Subterranea! Although that seems to be over now that Lana and Clark got involved. The battle caused some kind of seal to be broken and now the Queen of Imperial Subterranea is ready to take back the Above-Grounders!

Action Comics #27 Rating: -1 Ranking. I liked the first half with Baka the Dragon Boy but the second half is reminding me way too much of Scott Lobdell's Sunturians! Another fucking Imperial civilization that seems to have once ruled Earth and is ready to take it back? I think I might be tired of this story. Again! Dammit, Judd Winick. Now I owe you another quarter.

Green Lantern #27

Whenever I see Venditti's name on the cover of a comic book, I think of Demon Knights and get sad.

You know what I could watch all day, over and over? That scene in the second episode of The Venture Brothers where Brock Samson says, "They hit me with a truck." And then he proceeds to run over as many of The Monarch's henchman as he can. If I owned a club or a bar, I'd have that scene on a loop playing over and over and over again on a huge television behind the bar surrounded by dozens of bottles of expensive alcohol. Also, Doctor Girlfriend is super sexy. Deep voice, protruding Adam's Apple, and all.

Back to Hal Jordan, he's currently watching over Saint Walker in the new Green Lantern Corps Hospital. Even though Hal Jordan is on a crusade to stop other Lanterns from using the Emotional Spectrum, I bet he gives Saint Walker a pass! Because Saint Walker is useful to Hal Jordan's ring-slinging.

Well, that thankfully takes care of that! Now Hal won't look like a gigantic hypocrite. Again!

Judd Winick should get royalties every time I append "again" to a sentence.

After Hal walks away from Saint Walker calling him a fucking quitter, he meets up with Kilowog to discuss capturing the Sinestro Corps. The only problem is they have no idea where the Yellow Lanterns are. I wouldn't worry too much about them since the Yellow Spectrum wasn't refilled because Parallax never made the party. Although Sinestro did show up in the latest Forever Evil, so I guess it won't be long before he and Hal are bickering. Kilowog also reminds Hal that they have all those other one shot stories they can work on when he mentions all of the prisoners that the Green Lantern Corps let go when Relic destroyed Oa. Chasing down a certain number of antagonists is always a good back-up plot to have on hand to fill the spaces when a writer can't be bothered to think about another cosmic crisis.

The Green Lantern Corps' first new prisoners since they moved their headquarters to Mogo arrive: PB Anj's henchmen, the Braidsmen. They try to escape because that's the first thing you do in a role playing game when the Gamemaster has unfairly gotten your party arrested and is transporting you from one location to another. This time it's not very successful and they're quickly stopped although the Green Lanterns have to kill a tiny part of the universe to do it by using their Emotional Spectrum.

Yeah, Mukmuk! "Let's see you on a bike!" -- My High School Friend, Trarry Lantham.

Nobody ever says, "Let's have at each other on completely equal and fair footing and see who bests the other!" It's always, "You only got the better of me because you had an advantage! Why don't you get rid of your advantage and give me an advantage, and then we'll see who's the strongest!" I don't know what would constitute a fair and equal fight against a humanoid and a giant fish creature though. Chess?

The entire escape was a distraction to allow a few of the Braidsmen to escape and meet up with a contact already placed within The Green Lantern Corps' civilian staff. Some of these people may or may not be Durlans. Mukmuk tries to get a headcount but he has trouble, so I'm guessing an evenly matched battle with the Braidsman should not involve math.

Anyway, the Braidsmen manage to get to Hal Jordan but not without raising the general alarm that they're loose. Their contact is a Durlan so after knocking out Hal Jordan, it takes his face. That's a pretty big surprise if you forgot to look at the cover this month.

Here's a gift, Tumblr! The Durlan mentioned gender! Now's your chance to point out why everything it just said is idiotic so you can prove how clever and enlightened you are!

Once the Durlan takes Hal Jordan's face, it decides to broadcast a message to every single citizen in the universe that has a subscription to the Green Lantern Satellite Sub-Etha Radio Channel. That message is that Hal Jordan and the Green Lanterns are a threat to the universe because their rings drain the Emotional Spectrum and once the Emotional Spectrum is gone, nobody will ever want to have sex again. Fake Hal Jordan goes on to say that the Green Lanterns don't give a shit and they will continue to use their rings. But they will arrest anybody else that tries to use the Emotional Spectrum. And since most everybody in the universe knows Hal Jordan's reputation for being a complete douchebag, they believe the message. A few panels show a few planets getting very angry although what the fuck do they care? I don't see any of the citizens running around wearing a ring. There must be a principle at play here that I'm conveniently not wanting to understand because I want to portray myself as a bit of a sociopath.

I guess the Green Lantern Corps keeps embassies on various planets around the universe because they all begin reporting in immediately that they're under attack by rioters. Then the Durlan runs back off in his Cook Disguise and the Braidsmen blow themselves up.

Even one of Hal's closest work associates (I wasn't completely comfortable saying "friend" even though they called each other friends earlier) believes the Durlan's horrible message was actually delivered by Hal!

Green Lantern #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fuck you, Hal Jordan! You're lucky I think you're a good character even though I hate you so much! The problem is that if Hal Jordan is really being written well, he's somebody I have no sympathy for at all. Like most of the characters in Mad Men! Now, Hal wasn't really annoying or douchebaggy in this issue which is why I had to begin my final "Review" paragraph cursing at him. I didn't get enough of that during the rest of my commentary! The most fascinating bit of this issue was the "Next Month" blurb where it says that Red Lanterns #28 will be incorporated into Green Lantern #28 AT NO ADDED COST! What are you doing, DC?! Giving away free shit?! Oh, I get it. This is an attempt to boost Red Lanterns numbers, isn't it? Well fuck! You should try boosting other titles this way! I'm all for a free comic book as often as possible!

The Phantom Stranger #15

The New 52 has been ongoing for well over two years now. Don't you think it's time to at least drop the exclamation point on "The New 52!"?

I'm going to tell a quick anecdote here because that's what I do. Regular readers understand this and put up with it or learn to skip the first few paragraphs. If you're just here to read about The Phantom Stranger #15, don't worry. I'll be getting to it very quickly. This is a short one.

So last night at one of the gas stations whose floor I clean, I overheard a conversation with a customer and the clerk. The customer was talking about how there was an ATM outside of the store where he's employed that everybody always has trouble getting to read their cards. Invariably, he has to go outside and help them with it because it takes a very special touch. He described it thusly: "It's like Excalibur. It takes the Midas Touch to get it to work." I laughed out loud but that's not unusual because I've taken to listening to podcasts while I work. Anyway, the clerk seemed to think that was a reasonable statement, so who am I to point right in their faces and laugh uproariously at the preposterous suggestion that you need Midas's Touch to free Excalibur! It's not like I'm twelve years old! I didn't feel the need to mock them at all. I did murder them both before I left though because I owe the world at least that much.

See? That was a short one! Far shorter than many of my opening rambles! And now, on to the next Chapter of Forever Evil: The Blight Years. I think The Phantom Stranger had just gotten up the courage to ask the new exchange student out on a date. But mostly he did it so he could go to the same party as Pandora and keep an eye on her since she'd begun going out with the high school quarterback.

The Phantom Stranger has currently ditched the Justice League Dark so that he and Terrance Thirteen can save Chris the Babysitter. But Dog has other plans based on mysterious ways.

The Phantom Stranger isn't buying your bullshit, Dog!

Just knock it off, Dog. You're omnipotent! Plans within plans mean nothing to you! All this interfering with mankind after giving them free will is like a child drinking his sea monkeys. Somehow. Don't ask me to explain myself! I write in mysterious ways!

Because it's his nature and he's a Dog's fucking puppet, The Phantom Stranger surrenders to Blight, betraying his Mini-Justice League Dark comrades. I don't remember if I'd previously had any respect for The Phantom Stranger before this but if I did, I'm tossing it into the trash can right now! Right on top of the empty Starbucks' cups and Oreo packages!

Blight's first goal is to extinguish the humanity of his host, Chris the Babysitter. To do this, he is going to show Chris how his family are just regular jerks and assholes like everybody else. Well, if Chris the Babysitter is anything like me, he already knows that and won't fucking care what he winds up hearing.

So Envy has remained dead! Just like The Sea King! My Seven Sins equating with The Crime Syndicate theory still holds true! It's probably less valid than Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake from the Future, but it's still possible!

As soon as Blight begins fucking with Babysitter Chris's sister, Phantom Stranger flips the fuck out and decides he can't go through with Dog's plan to work with Blight. He blasts the sins with his Stranger Danger Power and tells Thirteen to get Chris's family to safety. But since Dog works in mysterious ways and knows everything that will ever happen (that's what omniscient means! I think!), Dog probably knew that The Phantom Stranger couldn't go along with it. But Dog probably needed Blight to think The Stranger was working with him just like Dog needed Jesus to think Judas was working with him! Come on! I'm sure Jesus wasn't omniscient! Why would the Father want the Son to know everything he was thinking? The Holy Ghost also isn't omniscient. It just lies in the corner moaning as it works through an eternal hangover.

What Blight does next to The Phantom Stranger might be inappropriate for younger readers. So I'm asking all of those twelve years old or younger who read my commentaries, please cover your eyes as you scroll past this next scan.

Does this sex move have a name? Where you completely fill your lover's eyes with sperm? Catarakake?

Once again, somebody gets the whole Jesus Mythos completely wrong. How in the fuck did Judas unleash a tide of evil? Judas helped save everybody by helping Jesus get crucified so that he could die for everybody's sins. I don't think the story would have had the same impact if Jesus died old and bloated sitting in a recliner on a quiet Sunday afternoon. The Crucifixion of Jesus, if you believe in that kind of thing, actually brought about an age of good! An age where everyone has the opportunity to enter Heaven just by accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior! It's not like Jesus was flying around the world protecting everybody from evil and kicking Satan's minions' asses while he was alive! And Judas stopped that shit from happening and everybody was suddenly miserable because their hero was now gone. If I were a Christian, Judas would be my hero! He had the hard job! He had to betray his BFF and make-out partner. Jesus had the easy part! Somebody even carried his cross up Boot Hill the day he died!

Meanwhile in The House of Mystery, John Constantine is trying to get as much information out of the little bit of consciousness left of The Sea King. But magic being magic (meaning it's unreliable and dangerous and doesn't actually exist as a matter of fact but if it did, boy would it be tough to control, amirite?), Constantine loses his bit of Sea King or it enters into his psyche. But John got what he needed. He realizes The Sea King was terrified when he died. Maybe he was terrified because he realized the bit of him that existed on New Earth, the bit that tethered him to the place and allowed him to come over, had just recently been shot dead by Pandora! Yes, I'm talking about Envy! I'm going to jam my square theory into this circle story no matter how different the shapes are! And really, squares and circles aren't that different. A circle is just a super chill square, know 'ut I'm sayin'?

Meanwhile, The Phantom Stranger continues his weird sexual relationship with Blight.

I think the Phantom Stranger is supposed to work with Blight but only so he can encourage Chris to save everybody in the end.

I read The Last Temptation of Christ by Nikos Kazantzakis many, many years ago. Some years later, I decided to rent the film from a little video place in Lincoln, Nebraska. When I returned the tapes I'd rented, the cashier, a teenage boy, repeated the movies back to me from their titles on his computer screen. When he got to The Last Temptation, he said, "And The Last Temptation of Chris." Just like after I heard the Midas guy earlier, I laughed out loud. I repeated the title back to him correctly, mainly so he'd understand why I laughed. Come on! That's funny! But he just got defensive and muttered about how was he suppose to know and he was only reading it off the computer screen. But I think that's what's happening here! It's the last temptation of Chris Esperanza. Christ was the Redeemer. He was our hope. And Chris's last name means hope. Also, Chris died and was resurrected. So The Phantom Stranger is very much reliving his time with Jesus. Except Chris the Babysitter is less impressive and he's being a really big dick right now.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the world, Nick Necro and Felix Faust are working with Ultraman to get Project Thaumaton underway. Lord Google tells me that "Thaumaton" means Wonderland. Also, one of the few hits on the word brings up a book written in Greek by David Icke. I need to find a translation of that! I bet it's crazy good! Emphasis on the crazy. Anyway, the Project, so far, consists of a Bio-Weapon that uses a Mage as a fuel source. In the first test, Mindwarp is loaded in and killed when the weapon fires. At least I think he's killed.

Looks dead to me.

Now why would they call it Project Wonderland? It makes me think of Beyond the Looking Glass since the Crime Syndicate come from a mirror world. It's a distorted mirror but at least when looked at from space, the land masses are a mirror image of our world. Perhaps it has something to do with connecting the two Earths. Also, it's a fucking weapon! I probably shouldn't look past that part. Maybe the entire thing is merely a weapon to defeat Darkseid if he ever shows his fat, smug, rock-hard, chair-loving face again.

Back to Phantom Stranger, he discovers that Chris the Babysitter wants to be Blight's host. So The Phantom Stranger, realizing he can't make Chris change if Chris doesn't want to change, he heads back to the Mini-Justice League Dark to wait for Chris the Babysitter to hit rock bottom. While he waits, The Stranger collects his teammates and heads off to Heaven to kick his fucking Dog.

The Phantom Stranger #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. Next issue of Constantine is called "Two Fingers to Heaven." Talk about blasphemy! For the very, very few that don't understand the reference, that means flipping off heaven the British way. All around good issue, this one. How's that? One fucking single line review after blathering on and on for-Goddamn-ever!

Swamp Thing #27

How come as soon as Charles Soule took over this book, every issue feels slightly pornographic?

Last issue, the part of Swamp Thing was played by Jason Woodrue. The part of the Omniscient Narrator was played by Alec Holland. The part of the long-lived French woman seeking sanctuary was played by a cup of coffee. The part of the Avatar of the Red was played by Maxine Baker's understudy, Buddy Baker. This issue, I don't know what the fuck happens because I haven't read it yet. But it looks like I might need to mention who plays the part of Alec Holland's penis next time.

Alec Holland actually decides to make an appearance this issue as he hangs about in The Green with his new BFF, The Wolf. The Wolf was an Avatar of the Green from 1754 to 1787 and not a Country Music Station like you probably assumed. It is a bit weird that you would assume that since this is a Swamp Thing comic book! Stupid weirdo. I'm Tumblr judging you! That's where I get to feel real pride in calling you out and pointing out all of your flaws because you did something that I was able to purposefully misunderstand in such a way that makes you seem like a complete asshole and makes me feel better and seem way more enlightened than you. But it's your own fault for allowing me to pretend that you thought something incredibly stupid! You really should know better.

In the Tumblr Perfect World, facetiousness would be the world's greatest crime. Which might just make me the rough beast slouching toward Tumblr. Don't worry, Tumblr. Facetiousness is also the greatest crime in the Hipster Perfect World. In both cases, most things must be taken very seriously. Sure, you can act whimsically and silly when it comes to fandoms and facial hair. Although you can't be mean when discussing other people's fandoms and you have to be overly intellectual when discussing popular culture. Also, you have to love and accept everyone, and you must hate and ridicule everything. You must overly care about all of your Followers, and you must remain dispassionate and unmoved by everyone not in your clique. I'm talking about Tumblr Perfect World in the first halves of those sentences and Hipster Perfect World in the second halves of those sentences. I probably could have made that more clear by doing it differently. But why should I bother clarifying anything to you?! You thought The Wolf was a Country Music Station!

The Wolf is currently busy trying to distract Alec from his thoughts of revenge against Woodrue.

No, they're not women. They're plants.

This issue has a new advertisement for the television show Arrow and I have just one question: Does anybody in that show ever wear a shirt?

Alec Holland is desperate to find a way out of The Green. Probably as desperate as I am to delete the comments I made above before anybody takes them the wrong way! Maybe I should just remove the header to my blog and replace it with the definition of facetious. Oh, who am I kidding? Comic books aren't serious! Nobody expects me to be serious about anything I write about, right? If you're reading this for intense treatises on improving the human condition then you probably should take a deeper look into your choices and how they brought you to this place! In much the same way that Alec Holland is doing now as The Wolf takes him to meet a resident of The Green that has tried to escape before.

Ah! Lady Weeds! I have not been this horny for a plant since my freshman year of college.

Lady Weeds acts just like Shado from Green Arrow #27. Alec needs information about how to get back to Earth and instead of telling him, she decides to be mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. She tells him he already knows. Alec reacts in exactly the same way Oliver reacted. He's a bit pissy at such a fucking dick answer. But at least Lady Weeds offers a hint to Swamp Thing that he can understand. But neither of them mention the place where The Green "pokes right through the skin of the world." Is it where the Parliament of Trees stand in the bayous of Louisiana? Maybe it's in the Fertile Crescent! Or deep within the Amazon? That's all of my guesses because I don't know anything about nature or natural places. I like to hide from the world inside man-made structures and pretend that reality isn't an objective thing that exists when I'm not taking part in it.

Oh. The riddle was easier than I expected!

I guess now Alec Holland just has to get naked and climb up their heads and into their thought rivers! Easy peasy!

Actually, he and Lady Weeds have to battle all five members of the Parliament of Trees to the death so that they can escape back to Earth. Alec seems up for it which is weird since he refused to kill just one guy (Jason Woodrue!) to maintain his job as Avatar of the Green and now he's willing to kill five ancient beings to get back to Earth? I guess they have screwed with his life on multiple occasions. Alec probably has a few bitter resentments rattling away in his brain.

Alec easily defeats the Parliament because they'd been sitting for so long that their arms and legs were asleep and they were a bit foggy waking up to being killed. But Lady Weeds gets her sexy butt cut off so that she can't follow Alec when he heads back to Earth. He blocks off the access route so she can't follow because he's an asshole and he doesn't want the prettiest plant in existence to have too many guest appearances in his comic book. So it serves him right when he arrives back on Earth but finds he can only manifest as a tree. So he lures Jason Woodrue to him so that he can steal his Avatarness.

Alec is the worst Champion of Plants ever. He doesn't mind killing the Parliament but he's got to save fucking Woodrue.

Alec uses Woodrue's power to make The Green bloom across all the oceans, making the Earth a big green ball for a brief amount of time. In that time, he demands to be made the Avatar once again and The Green, seeing his power and resolve, relents. Woodrue is left to die but Alec sends him into The Green to keep him alive. Alec also sends the Parliament (which he only humiliated and didn't actually kill, I guess) into dormancy. They are put to sleep so that they will never again interfere with his job. All that is left is Alec Holland and The Green. And of course the enemies he's made inside The Green, Lady Weeds and Jason Woodrue. Also that Country Music Station. And probably a whole bunch of others.

When he's finished with his coup, Alec is left standing around a bunch of naked bodies.

Is that Lady Weeds? And The Wolf? And the other guy? Or are they just corpses that were disposed of in the swamp by some serial killer?!

Swamp Thing #27 Rating: No change. Charles Soule made a major blunder this issue! He showed me too much of Lady Weeds and now fuck it if I don't want Lady Weeds as the main Swamp Thing! Fuck Alec Holland! He had his turn and he fucked it all up. Multiple times! Give Lady Weeds a chance!