The Phantom Stranger #15

The New 52 has been ongoing for well over two years now. Don't you think it's time to at least drop the exclamation point on "The New 52!"?

I'm going to tell a quick anecdote here because that's what I do. Regular readers understand this and put up with it or learn to skip the first few paragraphs. If you're just here to read about The Phantom Stranger #15, don't worry. I'll be getting to it very quickly. This is a short one.

So last night at one of the gas stations whose floor I clean, I overheard a conversation with a customer and the clerk. The customer was talking about how there was an ATM outside of the store where he's employed that everybody always has trouble getting to read their cards. Invariably, he has to go outside and help them with it because it takes a very special touch. He described it thusly: "It's like Excalibur. It takes the Midas Touch to get it to work." I laughed out loud but that's not unusual because I've taken to listening to podcasts while I work. Anyway, the clerk seemed to think that was a reasonable statement, so who am I to point right in their faces and laugh uproariously at the preposterous suggestion that you need Midas's Touch to free Excalibur! It's not like I'm twelve years old! I didn't feel the need to mock them at all. I did murder them both before I left though because I owe the world at least that much.

See? That was a short one! Far shorter than many of my opening rambles! And now, on to the next Chapter of Forever Evil: The Blight Years. I think The Phantom Stranger had just gotten up the courage to ask the new exchange student out on a date. But mostly he did it so he could go to the same party as Pandora and keep an eye on her since she'd begun going out with the high school quarterback.

The Phantom Stranger has currently ditched the Justice League Dark so that he and Terrance Thirteen can save Chris the Babysitter. But Dog has other plans based on mysterious ways.

The Phantom Stranger isn't buying your bullshit, Dog!

Just knock it off, Dog. You're omnipotent! Plans within plans mean nothing to you! All this interfering with mankind after giving them free will is like a child drinking his sea monkeys. Somehow. Don't ask me to explain myself! I write in mysterious ways!

Because it's his nature and he's a Dog's fucking puppet, The Phantom Stranger surrenders to Blight, betraying his Mini-Justice League Dark comrades. I don't remember if I'd previously had any respect for The Phantom Stranger before this but if I did, I'm tossing it into the trash can right now! Right on top of the empty Starbucks' cups and Oreo packages!

Blight's first goal is to extinguish the humanity of his host, Chris the Babysitter. To do this, he is going to show Chris how his family are just regular jerks and assholes like everybody else. Well, if Chris the Babysitter is anything like me, he already knows that and won't fucking care what he winds up hearing.

So Envy has remained dead! Just like The Sea King! My Seven Sins equating with The Crime Syndicate theory still holds true! It's probably less valid than Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake from the Future, but it's still possible!

As soon as Blight begins fucking with Babysitter Chris's sister, Phantom Stranger flips the fuck out and decides he can't go through with Dog's plan to work with Blight. He blasts the sins with his Stranger Danger Power and tells Thirteen to get Chris's family to safety. But since Dog works in mysterious ways and knows everything that will ever happen (that's what omniscient means! I think!), Dog probably knew that The Phantom Stranger couldn't go along with it. But Dog probably needed Blight to think The Stranger was working with him just like Dog needed Jesus to think Judas was working with him! Come on! I'm sure Jesus wasn't omniscient! Why would the Father want the Son to know everything he was thinking? The Holy Ghost also isn't omniscient. It just lies in the corner moaning as it works through an eternal hangover.

What Blight does next to The Phantom Stranger might be inappropriate for younger readers. So I'm asking all of those twelve years old or younger who read my commentaries, please cover your eyes as you scroll past this next scan.

Does this sex move have a name? Where you completely fill your lover's eyes with sperm? Catarakake?

Once again, somebody gets the whole Jesus Mythos completely wrong. How in the fuck did Judas unleash a tide of evil? Judas helped save everybody by helping Jesus get crucified so that he could die for everybody's sins. I don't think the story would have had the same impact if Jesus died old and bloated sitting in a recliner on a quiet Sunday afternoon. The Crucifixion of Jesus, if you believe in that kind of thing, actually brought about an age of good! An age where everyone has the opportunity to enter Heaven just by accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior! It's not like Jesus was flying around the world protecting everybody from evil and kicking Satan's minions' asses while he was alive! And Judas stopped that shit from happening and everybody was suddenly miserable because their hero was now gone. If I were a Christian, Judas would be my hero! He had the hard job! He had to betray his BFF and make-out partner. Jesus had the easy part! Somebody even carried his cross up Boot Hill the day he died!

Meanwhile in The House of Mystery, John Constantine is trying to get as much information out of the little bit of consciousness left of The Sea King. But magic being magic (meaning it's unreliable and dangerous and doesn't actually exist as a matter of fact but if it did, boy would it be tough to control, amirite?), Constantine loses his bit of Sea King or it enters into his psyche. But John got what he needed. He realizes The Sea King was terrified when he died. Maybe he was terrified because he realized the bit of him that existed on New Earth, the bit that tethered him to the place and allowed him to come over, had just recently been shot dead by Pandora! Yes, I'm talking about Envy! I'm going to jam my square theory into this circle story no matter how different the shapes are! And really, squares and circles aren't that different. A circle is just a super chill square, know 'ut I'm sayin'?

Meanwhile, The Phantom Stranger continues his weird sexual relationship with Blight.

I think the Phantom Stranger is supposed to work with Blight but only so he can encourage Chris to save everybody in the end.

I read The Last Temptation of Christ by Nikos Kazantzakis many, many years ago. Some years later, I decided to rent the film from a little video place in Lincoln, Nebraska. When I returned the tapes I'd rented, the cashier, a teenage boy, repeated the movies back to me from their titles on his computer screen. When he got to The Last Temptation, he said, "And The Last Temptation of Chris." Just like after I heard the Midas guy earlier, I laughed out loud. I repeated the title back to him correctly, mainly so he'd understand why I laughed. Come on! That's funny! But he just got defensive and muttered about how was he suppose to know and he was only reading it off the computer screen. But I think that's what's happening here! It's the last temptation of Chris Esperanza. Christ was the Redeemer. He was our hope. And Chris's last name means hope. Also, Chris died and was resurrected. So The Phantom Stranger is very much reliving his time with Jesus. Except Chris the Babysitter is less impressive and he's being a really big dick right now.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the world, Nick Necro and Felix Faust are working with Ultraman to get Project Thaumaton underway. Lord Google tells me that "Thaumaton" means Wonderland. Also, one of the few hits on the word brings up a book written in Greek by David Icke. I need to find a translation of that! I bet it's crazy good! Emphasis on the crazy. Anyway, the Project, so far, consists of a Bio-Weapon that uses a Mage as a fuel source. In the first test, Mindwarp is loaded in and killed when the weapon fires. At least I think he's killed.

Looks dead to me.

Now why would they call it Project Wonderland? It makes me think of Beyond the Looking Glass since the Crime Syndicate come from a mirror world. It's a distorted mirror but at least when looked at from space, the land masses are a mirror image of our world. Perhaps it has something to do with connecting the two Earths. Also, it's a fucking weapon! I probably shouldn't look past that part. Maybe the entire thing is merely a weapon to defeat Darkseid if he ever shows his fat, smug, rock-hard, chair-loving face again.

Back to Phantom Stranger, he discovers that Chris the Babysitter wants to be Blight's host. So The Phantom Stranger, realizing he can't make Chris change if Chris doesn't want to change, he heads back to the Mini-Justice League Dark to wait for Chris the Babysitter to hit rock bottom. While he waits, The Stranger collects his teammates and heads off to Heaven to kick his fucking Dog.

The Phantom Stranger #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. Next issue of Constantine is called "Two Fingers to Heaven." Talk about blasphemy! For the very, very few that don't understand the reference, that means flipping off heaven the British way. All around good issue, this one. How's that? One fucking single line review after blathering on and on for-Goddamn-ever!

Justice League #25

It's hard to write a decent synopsis of the story so far when the story has been split up in a bunch of other comic books. So I guess I'll trust that the cover is portraying the main event in this book and just update what was happening in Dick Grayson's life: he had the ever loving fuck beaten out of him and he was being held prisoner by The Crime Syndicate. The only reason he was alive was because Owlman was acting sentimental. Everybody in the world also found out that Bruce Wayne's first ward, Dick Grayson, was Nightwing's secret identity. But nobody has moved on from "I wonder if Bruce Wayne knew about this?" to "Holy fuck! Alfred Pennyworth must be The Goddamned Batman!"

Last issue began showing the origin of the little shit Ultraman and how his dickbag parents sent him to Earth 3 to become the all-powerful ruler of everything. It was romantic and sad as Jor-il looked over at Lara as they realized they would never see their son again and yelled, "Shut up, Lara!" Now we get to see how little Owlman's life began.

Hmm. Nothing out of the ordinary.

That little shit Bruce pusses out of the plan to kill their parents and wrestles the gun away from his brother Thomas. While they're wrestling, good old Alfred Pennyworth walks up, picks up the gun, and shoots Martha and Thomas Wayne. Then he chastises Bruce and puts a bullet in him too. He may have gone a bit further than New Earth Alfred but he seems to maintain the same sense of loyalty and willingness to get the job done. But since this is backwards world, he probably makes a shit cup of tea.

Alfred, always knowing exactly what his Master wants, made sure not to kill Bruce outright. Now, Thomas puts a bullet in his head as he hears an owl in the distance saying, "What the fuck? Seriously?!"

Back on New Earth, is that fucking Plastic Man?!

That was a rhetorical question because how many people can there possibly be named "Eel?"

Eel is hanging out with all of the Chicago mob families as they discuss how they're going to get in on The Crime Syndicate action. Being normal, everyday, regular criminals, they realize they don't really have much to offer which means they have to get creative. Ha! I bet the last time a mafia guy was creative was when he let his wife fuck on top. I hope no mafia guys are reading this and thinking I just called them all unimaginative because of the way they consistently use violence and force to get what they want! What I meant was they're more cerebral and intellectual than they are whimsical and creative! Don't shoot me in the head and drown me in concrete shoes just because you misinterpreted my words, you stupid lunkheads! I mean, um, all of these comments are only meant to describe the criminal masterminds of New Earth! All you mafia guys on Earth Prime, you're all right! Keep up the good work! Don't mind me!

What am I worried about? Like mob guys can read or use computers! Pshaw!

Owlman, Narration Boxing from who the fuck knows where (a tree limb hanging over the proceedings? But upright on the limb! Not upside down like a stupid bat!) mentions how he likes to use the infrastructure already in place in a city. So you'd think he'd like to work with these Mob guys and continue to let them run things! But I sense a but coming up! And probably some explosions!

No wonder I sensed a "but" coming up! Because I'd already read it on the previous page where he says, "But sometimes that doesn't work!" The explosions I did guess though!

Oh! Oh! And look at those oil drums in the warehouse! I bet they house the chemicals that Eel will become doused in to become Plastic Man! This story isn't about Owlman at all! It's about that big fucking goofball, Plas!

Okay, okay. I guess it can be about both of them in equal measures. Speaking of equal measures, maybe I think I'm going to pick a random recipe tomorrow and do some cooking! Look out, stomach! And colon! And toilet!

See! Do I get some experience points for recognizing Eel O'Brian's nearly identical origin from the pre-Crisis universe?! Sure I do! But not enough to gain another rank. I'm still a Brother Comic Book Reader, brother!

Owlman kills all the leaders and then chooses the one that doesn't insult the fuck out of him. After that, he's off to speak with Nightwing about a job offer. One that Nightwing can't accept!

Hunh. I guess he needs the money more than I realized. This is why you should avoid debt at all cost! Because when you're desperate, you wind up working for a prick like Owlman! Or me! I should get some interns!

Maybe before Batman died, he told Dick Grayson, "Keep your enemies close and your friends closer. Because who wants to fucking hang out with their enemies all of the time? But if your enemies want to like, go get pizza or something and they're willing to pick up the tab, why would you refuse? Hang out! Enjoy it! You know how many times I've gone to the local porn theater with The Joker? Ha! Good times. Although better times when I go with Alfred! So remember, friends closer, enemies close, your left hand closest."

So Richard joins up with Thomas in the hopes that he can defeat Ultraman. Since that guy seems to be the biggest threat (simply because nobody wants to think about how threatening Deathstorm and Johny Quick might be), it seems like a good plan. Plus he can learn all of Owlman's weaknesses by bonding with him, like how Owlman loves Superwoman, and how Owlman has helped make a baby inside of her. I bet Ultraman would be plenty angry to find out about that! Which is, you know, why Owlman needs to build this plan to defeat Ultraman. Before Ultraman notices the fetus isn't half-Asshole Kryptonian and he decides to crush Owlman's head. And Superwoman's too, for good measure.

Justice League #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if Plastic Man is going to become all dark and gritty for The New 52! Maybe he'll have a really black sense of humor and he'll turn himself into torture devices invented by The Inquisition and shove himself up bad guy anuses so he can expand ever so slowly until all of their insides fall out through their ass. That's the kind of Plastic Man I want to see! Who needs that goofy guy always cracking jokes and turning into gigantic paper airplanes?! Comic books don't have a place for that kind of silliness anymore, Plas!

Justice League #24

Power Ring, that's disgusting.

Since the Justice League is currently dead (or trapped in a Cube (or transporting Victor Stone to the S.T.A.R. Labs Emergency Room)), I have no idea what this issue is going to be about! Is the Justice League going to be on hiatus for a few months while Forever Evil happens? I forget how these crossovers work when a company publishes a mini-series in which everybody is enmeshed. What happens in their regular monthly title?!

Apparently flashbacks! This issue begins twenty five years ago on Krypton Three. The Kryptonians of Krypton Three are huge fucking assholes that nobody would want to be around for any length of time. Although I still like them better than Lobdell's Kryptonians.

I think this might be the origin story from Superman Returns.

Jor-il has recorded a message for baby Ultraman to listen to as he rockets to Earth. It's composed of the most useful tips a young baby will need to grow into a strong and robust young man. First off, he must snort Krytponite to grow healthy and strong. Second, he must stay out of the sun because it causes wrinkles and melanomas. Third, Earth women are whores. And that seems to about cover it! Good luck, baby Kal-il! Hopefully you'll be found by a pair of incestuous serial killer siblings named Bro Kent and Sis Kent! They'll raise you to pillage, rape, murder, and stay out of the sun so you can become a strapping young lad who will probably repay them by burning them alive while they sleep.

Close enough. On Earth Three, this is an ideal, loving relationship. It's just beautiful.

Ultraman adopts these two as his parents (by adopts, I mean forces them into subservience) until he reaches the age of seven when he burns down the farm. Unluckily for my ability to guess the plot of every comic I read, Ultraman kills them and buries them in the cornfield before he burns down the farm. Dammit.

Eventually Ultraman and the Crime Syndicate ruled the Earth until Darkseid came along and shoved an Omega Dildo up its ass. The Earth was destroyed and the Crime Syndicate had nobody left to push around. They needed to find a new Earth. Which is what they did last issue! Weren't you paying attention?

While the other members of the Crime Syndicate involve themselves in other offshoots of the Forever Evil story, Ultraman searches for Kryptonite and prepares to deal with Black Adam.

Also, The Doom Patrol's first appearance!

Ultraman points out to the readers as he narrates the story that the difference between Earth Three and Earth Prime (I know, I know. The old standard (and possibly current one too) is that Earth Prime was the real, actual Earth. But fuck that shit since Earth 1 is prestige format elseworld tales and Earth 2 is the Justice Society, I'm going with Earth Prime. Because I don't want to call the standard New 52 "Earth Zero") is that Earth Three is strong and Earth Prime is weak. It's not about good and evil or opposite time or flip floppitudiness. Although I think he's mistaking "being an asshole" with "having strength of character." I realize a lot of people have this misconception here on Earth Super Prime! Anybody who sees kindness as weakness is just an asshole. Anybody who ever quotes that stupid fucking saying about being liberal when you're young gives you a heart and being conservative when you're old gives you a brain is a dirty douchebag fucknard that I don't want to have anything to do with. Stop quoting platitudes that make your selfishness seem intelligent. If you want to be a selfish prick, just be one. Embrace it. I don't understand why assholes feel the need to appear to be something they're not! If you're not proud of who you are, stop being that fucking person, idiot.

For some reason, the Crime Syndicate members are still attached to the dopplegangers on Earth Prime of people they once knew. So Owlman can't kill Nightwing and actually needs to speak with him. Ultraman heads to the Daily Planet to see how his pal Jimmy Olsen turned out on this world. For a bunch of assholes, they sure are sentimental.

Maybe sentimental is the wrong word. I think I meant "rapey."

Luckily for Lois, Superman just wants to tear her arms and legs off. So at least she won't have to deal with the trauma of being raped. Because she'll cease to exist! Too bad Jimmy Olsen didn't have that luxury. No more casual viewings of Prince of Tides for him! But even luckier for Lois, Black Adam arrives to answer Jimmy Olsen's Superman Signalling Device! For some reason. Perhaps he just zipped by to shut off the shrill noise and decided he'd kill Ultraman while he was visiting. Although Black Adam doesn't find it so easy. Ultraman is just happy to have a challenge. I don't know why all of these villains love challenges! If I were a Super Villain, I'd want all of my conquests to be simple! Or else why bother becoming a Super Villain? Why not just work hard to prove yourself at the day to day challenges of real life in a capitalist culture that expects a can-do, work hard attitude for at least 60-80 hours per week?! Now that's a challenge!

Justice League #24 Rating: No change. I wouldn't wipe King Beauregard's ass with it.