Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.

Shuperman fought hish twin made of shand,
Even though it wash not what he'd planned.
He made it go FWASH!
And it turned into glash.
I'm sho drunk I hardly can shtand.

I was going to argue against this because obviously the internet is only in places it can physically be stored but fuck me if we aren't really awash in it constantly thanks to wi-fi. I think that means we're all constantly covered in porn.

Way back when Clark's parents both died,
It was the first time that he realized,
Going to prom
Was what killed his mom
And he never was devirginized.

The message from Uncle Ben was more clear
Than the deaths of the people Clark held dear.
When Spider-man fled,
Ben wound up dead,
And then that thing about power I won't quote here.

The point I was trying to explain,
Before I was interrupted by my brain:
Jimmy's near passing
Had Superman asking,
"Do I cause all of my loved ones pain?"

That fucking Yurei is so fired!

That's probably enough limericks for now. I know it's tough to read so much highbrow art all at once so I'll bring the level of intellectual work you have to do as a reader down a few notches.

Hordr_root attacks Superman on Superman's new home turf, the House of Mythbrawl! That seems like a stupid idea which means it must be part of Hordr_root's incomprehensible plan! Superman and his Supergodfriends trap Hordr_root inside a wi-fi proof bubble so that he can't escape and Superman beats his ass. Finally! Now he just needs to unmask him! Although does he really? All he needs to do is find the internet troll that throws "sort of" into the middle of all of his sentences.

Superman doesn't kill Hordr_root even though he has the chance because...well, let's face it. He was never going to kill him no matter how many gods were cheering him on to do just that. But Hordr_root was hoping Superman would kill him because he had taken over Jimmy Olsen's body. Condesa sucks Hordr_root out of Jimmy's body and locks him in a portable drive with no Bluetooth. Does that mean this is the end of the Hordr_root story? I suppose Superman still has to find out how to get his power back from the Quarmers. That probably means it's time to interview Hordr_root.

Superman takes the hard drive to Mister Terrific for safe keeping. Does that mean Hordr_root becomes Brother Eye? Probably!

Jimmy soon realizes he has Hordr_root's memories. It turns out the original Hordr_root was one of Vandal Savage's children. But he was confined to a wheelchair and Vandal wouldn't accept him because of his physical limitations. So Hordr_root created a Frankenstein's monster version of himself and downloaded his personality into it. But it decided it wanted to be the only Hordr_root.

Vandal Savage is behind it all. And he's been planning to defeat Superman for 2000 years! Or something ridiculous. I forget exactly. But it was probably stupid.

Vandal Savage pays a visit to Mister Terrific and steals back his son. Hopefully this story will finish up in the Superman annual although I think it's going to drag out until Issue #50.

Superman #47 Rating: No change. I'm more than burned out on every Superman story revolving around his loss of power. Can Superman just get his powers back? Then stop writing stories where the conflict is how his powers are used against him or taken away from him. How about writing Superman stories where the fact that he has powers is inconsequential? I mean, not totally! He should still be Superman! But can he face some kind of conflict or dilemma where he doesn't have to lose his powers to make fixing the problem harder? Make the problem something that his powers can't easily fix! And don't make that some alien that's stronger than Superman so that Superman gets punched and says, "I actually felt that!" I'm so tired of that line. Exhausted by it! Be original, assholes!

Justice League 3000 #5

Did Firestorm take the death of two volunteers to resurrect?

As I type this, it is one hour away from my comic book store opening on New Comic Book Wednesday. The only other comic books left in my stack to read are two issues of Worlds' Finest which I'm saving to read until Batman Loves Superman #9 comes out. If you don't know why, I won't bore you with another of DC's major fuck ups.

This issue begins slightly differently than last issue ended. Don't worry, it's all explained by the characters.

I have a better explanation. Firestorm gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix. So when he was first resurrected, he was immediately confronted with Barry Allen's tight, naked ass. He was very excited to enter the fight with naked Barry. But then Firestorm jizzed in his pants and the desire to kiss and cuddle Barry left him immediately and now he just wants to watch some television.

The cover of this issue still says Howard Porter but by the end of the first page, I found myself thinking, "Did Howard Porter have a stroke?" Don't worry, Howard Porter fans! This issue simply has a couple of guest artists: Raymund Bermudez and Wayne Faucher. They draw Terry and Teri horribly. I hope they try harder when they draw my sweetheart Locus!

Last issue I figured Batman would request to never be resurrected if he happened to die since it would cost another volunteer their life. This issue, Barry makes that request first! But not for any ethical or philosophical reasons. No, he just doesn't want to hear The Wonder Twins argue with each other anymore.

Meanwhile on Monkey Prison Planet Earth, the JL3k Gang and their Scientist Mother are busy running from every inmate on the planet. The Convert (who is probably Aquaman 3000!) has possessed them all. Now they want to do that stereotypical thing that inmates love to do to fresh fish. That thing that people like to make jokes about but it isn't funny at all. You know what I'm talking about! Shake hands and welcome them to hell!

Don't forget he probably also has vestiges of the personality that inhabited the body before it was injected in the ass with Batman's DNA. Oh wait! That's what inmates like to do to Fresh Fish!

In another part of Earth That Was, Superman and Wonder Woman are fighting with the Goddess Kali. She asks Wonder Woman to join The Five and take over the universe because Kali is horrible at math. Wonder Woman refuses because she thinks the Hindu Pantheon is beneath her. Maybe. Okay fine. I just made that up. She actually acts offended for the Hindu Gods that this person took the name Kali. Lay off, Wonder Woman. You don't have to be offended for other people just to seem righteous and intelligent.

The battle with Kali takes a back seat to Superman and Wonder Woman flirting. Unless it isn't flirting at all. It could be sexual harassment. But I wouldn't know since I usually just crack jokes at the bad eighties hair and clothing instead of paying attention to the corporate message whenever I've been sexually forced to watch a Sexual Harassment Video by Human Resources.

The Five have a huge tactical problem. The Convert controls people to use for his own devices. But Kali sucks the life force out of people to use for her own devices. So sending these two to battle side by side kind of forces one of them out of the action, doesn't it? I think they need to bring in a sixth with a degree in Tacticsology.

Even old New New York was once New York. Why they changed it, I think I can say. Because apes took over the planet and destroyed it and made it into a prison planet because they liked it better that way!

The JL3k Gang are almost defeated but The Flash arrives in the nick of time to save them all! You would think because he has super speed that he would have arrived before the nick of time.

Firestorm has also arrived which horrifies Ariel Masters, the brain behind the Justice League Resurrection Program at Cadmus, because he gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix and this comic book is only Teen Rated. So either he's going to be powerless because his main power uses penis on ass action, or he's going to have to wait to save the day until next issue when DC can raise this comic's rating level to XXX Triple Mature Gay Action.

With Firestorm giving her a breather, Wonder Woman has time to come up with a new plan to defeat Kali: The Fastball Special! But before she can worry DC's lawyers, The Flash pulls her and Superman out of the fight. He's brought a method of retreat with him and the JL3k Gang have decided that they've had enough. Plus they should probably turn their attention to rescuing Green Lantern from my sweet Locus.

Firestorm decides to stay behind which is probably a good thing as Ariel explains to the JL3k Gang.

But they don't want to leave behind such a sexy, powerful weapon. I hope he explodes all over their faces.

Stupid Flash does as he's told right before we almost get a decent example of the Slash Fiction Matrix at work!

Then Flash ruins it all by kidnapping him! Jerko!

Barry saves Kali's life only to find that they can't escape the planet because their Transversal (their means of exit) has been possessed by Coeval. So now they're all back to square the beginning square. But at least The Flash and Firestorm are by their sides. And Locus never appeared so her perky cuteness couldn't be ruined by Beermudez and Faucher. I'm not criticizing their art so much as I'm saying Howard Porter knows what he's doing when it comes to drawing adorable. So maybe I am criticizing their art a bit.

Justice League 3000 #5 Rating: No change. This issue had lots of fighting and more fighting with some jokes and other jokes. It also showed Superman 3000 acting a bit human. They all seem to be concerned about the way they were brought back to life. So even though Barry has returned with evidence that the JL3k Gang keep their memories right up to the point they're killed, none of them are going to want to be killed since it would mean the death of another innocent if they were to be brought back to life. I like that they have a means to be resurrected but it is by no means an easy decision. They have to weigh the cost between killing a volunteer for the cause and how many people can be saved by the sacrifice. Perhaps whenever the initial action dies down, they'll be able to sit around a table and discuss the ethics of the situation with Teri and Terry.

And that's it! 10:55 AM! I caught up! I can relax for five whole minutes! Which is probably the amount of time it'll take to upload the scans and fix up the directories. Damn it!

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.