Justice League 3000 #7

Who could they possibly be betrayed by?! Firestorm 3000 is the only one not on the cover! Or maybe it will be Aquaman 3000!

I answered the phone earlier and said, "Hello?" But there was no answer for a few seconds and you could hear the background noise of a call center. Then the person that called me said, "Hello?" But I already said hello. It's not my fucking job to assure you that I'm on the phone after you called me and I already said, "Hello?" So I just sat there silently until they hung up. Fuck you, motherfuckers. If you're going to call me about something, be fucking prepared for me to answer! Assholes.

This issue begins with Locus and Convert having a conversation. Locus looks as adorable as ever. Convert looks like a yellow guy in a religious hat for the Eastern Orthodox Church. I don't know if that's the real Convert or just a person that the Convert has currently converted. Hopefully it's not the real Convert because I'm still holding out hope that the Convert is Aquaman 3000.

Wonder Woman 3000's nose looks like a wart.

As Kali and The Convert amass an army to recapture Justice League 3000, I notice the army looks a lot like The Convert! That's a good sign! Because the army is the Convert as well. I bet The Convert is sitting in a huge fishbowl somewhere fingering an octopus as he dreams of universal conquest.

JL3k finally escape from the Fatal Five although I don't know what good it's going to do them. I forget what they're supposed to be doing. Saving the universe? And aren't they saving it from the Fatal Five? So shouldn't they be back down on that planet fighting them? Shouldn't somebody have killed Locus? How can you let something that powerful live if you intend to protect the universe from her? I don't think an antiquated belief in nonlethal justice can be relied on to keep the universe safe from a person whose thoughts become reality and whose reality becomes super reality.

Somebody on Cadmusworld (the shadow from the cover) contacts the Fatal Five because he's a mole for the bad guys! Or she is! The hair is crazy enough to be either of the Wonder Twins. But that seems too obvious which is why I guessed it was Aquaman 3000 when I looked at the cover and thought, "Isn't that shadow one of the Wonder Twins?"

Just as a refresher for my present and future self, I will list the Fatal Five, or at least the ones I remember. 1. Locus. 2. Convert. 3. Coeval. 4. Kali. 5. Umm. The Persuader? It must be the Persuader, right? I think I remember the fifth being the Persuader. And the Persuader must be the one that has infiltrated Cadmusworld.

See? I had a point! Superman 3000 agrees with me! Us arrogant assholes need to stick together!

It doesn't take long for Terri to out himself as the traitor when he snaps Terry's neck and blows off The Flash's head. That seems a bit much for a villainous debut but I have to give him credit for showmanship. Terry also points out that the Justice League and everybody working for Cadmus are filled with explosive nanocites because nanocites are overused bullshit. But only JL3k have to worry about exploding because Coeval immediately blows up everybody else. Which seems like a stupid move since the hostages were the only thing forcing the JL3k and Ariel Masters to surrender themselves. JL3k don't care if they die again!

Coeval might also be Terry's downloaded personality or something. It's hard to know for sure because this is the third comic book I've written about today and I'm really anxious to go do other things now. Like swim with dolphins and eat an entire pizza by myself.

Justice League 3000 #7 Rating: No change. I'm not so thrilled with the nanocites but I still like a DC story that isn't hamstrung by continuity. Some other good points: Howard Porter's art is nice to look at and The Flash's head exploded. Some other bad points: I feel nothing for this comic book or its characters and writing about it feels like a passionless bout of sex with a person I was never actually attracted to in the first place but kept dating because I had nothing else to do with my time.

Justice League 3000 #3

I think this prison planet is where Kid Flash and Solstice wind up.

As I got to Justice League 3000 #4 in my pile of "To Read" comics, I realized I had never read Issue #3. So after reading Batman #29 this morning, I had to take a walk to my local comic book store to pick up an emergency copy. Luckily they still had one left. I also gave them a piece of my mind for forgetting to pull this comic for me! I looked sternly at the tattooed man behind the counter and said, "Can I please get my 25% discount on this book which somehow didn't make it into my pull box?" And he said, "Sure! No problem! That happens sometimes." And I said, "Yeah, it was probably my fault for not adding it to my pull list in time." Take that, Comic Book Store Employee! Next week, you'll think twice before messing with my Subscription Box!

Last issue, Flash 3000 was torn apart and I don't think Locus put him back together. Green Lantern 3000 was lucky enough to find his way inside Locus. And the Other 3000s wound up on Takron-Gestalt 3000, Prison Planet of Ultimate Enslavement. Also, I declared my never dying love for Locus.

"--that the Justice League is our last, best hope!" This is a pretty succinct synopsis of the general plot of the book.

The Five referenced here are this future's version of The Fatal Five, the evil team of evils that the Legion of Super-heroes sometimes have to defend against. I know this because one of them is The Persuader. Another one of The Five is Coeval which is a stupid name but what can you do? It's the year 3000 and all the good names have probably already been taken. But now the JL3k Gang have to take a break from saving the Commonwealth so that they can save themselves. Which they probably can't do because Locus is so cute, she's sure to defeat them.

Forget Locus defeating them. Once they arrive on Takron-Galtos (which the JL3k Gang say looks like a living hell even though it looks like Manhattan), they begin bickering. I don't think they can even manage to act like a team long enough to remember what their mission was.

We get it! It's only Issue Three and you've beaten it into the reader's brains that these are imperfect copies of the former Justice League!

Batman surrenders to the authorities because the authorities threaten to kill civilians if the JL3k Gang don't surrender. Wonder Woman 3000 seems to have lost all of her heart and compassion since being cloned for the 3000th time, so she doesn't give a fuck. Superman 3000 has lost his brains and his humility. I guess that means Batman 3000 has lost his courage. Which is why he surrenders! I suppose that makes The Flash 3000 Toto? And Green Lantern 3000 is The Wizard of Oz because Oz is Emerald and also because he can grant people's wishes. As long as the want a material object and they don't mind that it's composed entirely of green light.

Back on Locus One, homeworld of Locus, Locus mentions that she's one of The Five. I just thought she was an underling! So that makes three of The Five revealed: Locus, Coeval, and The Persuader. I bet the other two are Validus and Aquaman 3000.

Is it wrong for me to be so turned on by the idea of Locus expelling me like she did Green Lantern?

Locus begins acting a little bit crazy but not quite enough for me to lose my love boner for her. Although when she says she's tired of "giving it away for free and getting nothing in return," I begin to get nervous. What she wants in return for some hanky panky is flowers and songs and romance. Does that mean she just doesn't enjoy the fucking part of the relationship? Because I don't want to engage in coitus with somebody that is only engaging in it to satisfy me or to manipulate me or because they think it's expected of them. I want to bang somebody else that enjoys the banging! Maybe Locus just hasn't found the right bang buddy yet! Maybe her partners tend to go into the act a bit nervous because they know she can disappear their crotch on a whim.

Hal doesn't want anything to do with Locus because he must not realize how adorable she is. He must be blind because even with her psychotic ranting, I'd at least try to work it out! It's like Hal has an iron will allowing him to rebuke her charms!

Back on Takron-Galtos, the JL3k Gang have a Planet of the Apes moment.

I thought this place seemed familiar.

Meanwhile, Ariel Masters, the fugitive from Cadmus and the JL3k Project, makes another appearance. She's on Bradbury Seven which I guessed was Earth in a previous commentary but I'd forgotten about that until just now. So apparently I just go around guessing that every planet is Earth and just got lucky with Techron-Gatos

It turns out Ariel is friends with the Sheriff of Tekron-Gatos and he's calling her to let her know he's hanging out with a few of her Pet Projects 3000. Ariel has too much curiosity about what The Twins wound up accomplishing with her Pet Project 3000, so she teleports back to Tekron-Gatos to visit with her babies. Her Babies 3000.

Coeval notices her transportation and mentions another member of The Five: Kali. I bet she has a sunny disposition! Or lots of death. One of those!

Justice League 3000 #3 Rating: No change. I'm a fan of the art. I'm a fan of the science fiction world. I'm almost a fan of the protagonists. They just need to stop reminding me that they're (maybe?) Nth Iteration Clones of the original Justice League. I'm a super fan of Locus and her perky dysfunction! But I'm underwhelmed by the entire package so far. This may be the only time you'll ever see me write this, so read it closely: I really fucking hope Aquaman appears!

Justice League 3000 #2

Go go Locus dance power!

Fuck you all! Locus is my new favoritist favorite of all time favorite! None of you assholes like her more than I do so go suck your dad's cock! Again! Ha ha! Good one, me and Judd Winick! Man, I wish Judd Winick read my blog. I bet he and I would be the best of friends. Except for the fact that I'm overly facetious and usually everything less than serious and he seems a bit sentimental and emotionally stolid. I'm going to start coining terms like "emotionally stolid" which cancel themselves out and become non-descriptors! You can't use those without paying me royalties, you thieving leeches. Go come up with your own ideas on your own boring blogs!

Anyway, getting back to me and my inexpressible love of Locus, I just wanted everybody to know that I loved her the most first and every other person out there that eventually likes her is jumping on my bandwagon and you'd better fucking get the hell off of it right now! Geez! It feels so good to be so overly enthusiastic about something that you can only make other people feel bad about the thing you love! It's exhilarating! No wonder people do this shit all the time!

Boy (or Girl although that sounds weird. Watch. I'll start over). Girl, I hope Locus is an awesome character now. See? "Girl" completely changes the attitude of the speaker (which is me!) from a person telling another person something as opposed to "Boy" which expresses something different that I would explain but it's way over your head and you wouldn't understand it at all.

What's wrong with me? Every time I see somebody wearing a normal Superman shirt, I immediately think the "S" is backwards and they're wearing a Bizarro shirt. Is it wishful thinking or do I have a learning disability? "I'm sorry, Tess. You've got Super-Dyslexia. The good news is it only affects Superman's logo. The bad news is you're going to look like a right asshole every time you scream 'Bizarro!' at people wearing Superman shirts."

The title of this issue is "Things Fall Apart" so yet another instance where somebody is pulling lines out of my favoritest favorite of all time favorite poem that I'm sick of everybody quoting already. Just knock it off! You don't get it the way I get it! Especially if the first time you heard it was watching that awful fucking show Heroes (some of it was not awful but most of it was based on lazy story telling so suck it, Heroes!).

This is my favoritest favorite of all time favorite little alien guy that you probably didn't notice while reading this comic book because you're in no way even as close to as observant as I am! Although you might be able to form better sentences than me. At least my Uncle Jerry can't form better sentences than me because he would have corrected me after that last sentence and said, "than I." The big dope!

Currently, The Justice League 3000 Gang are busy trying to invade Flatmas 12 for some reason. They probably need to defeat one of the Five. The Five are like Legion of Doom 3000 but with less members and better technology. One of them is probably named Lucas! I mean Locus!

Terry and Teri, the Wonder Twins, are trying to micro-manage The JL3K Gang since the JL3K Gang really don't know what they're exactly capable of. At this point, their bodies and minds are translations of translations of translations and there have been some fairly glaring errors in some of the iterations so that they don't exactly remember what they are capable and incapable of doing.

Does the Imperium actually need to be taken down? Maybe you should take a closer look at yourselves and ask, "What is it about *me* that I don't fit in?"

As The Wonder Twins discuss the current JL3K Gang mission, Terry (unless it's Teri) mentions "The Persuader." So the Five that the JL3K Gang are going up against are merely The Fatal Five? Did the JL3K Gang simply replace The Legion of Super-Heroes in this future? A future where Cadmus has continued to somehow persist for countless generations? Countless being a figurative usage of the term since I'm sure somebody with a really good calculator could come up with a number. I hope Brother Eye and OMAC have been left in the past. Although I'm sure Maxwell Lord still exists as a talking head or something. He probably runs this entire operation.

Intelligence reports indicate that the fabulous Locus has been seen on Flatmas 12 and this freaks the fuck out of the Wonder Twins. Apparently Locus can control reality which means she can turn forks into spoons or force cats to live with dogs. She can also turn shriveled old cynical hearts into fully blossoming emotional love muscles. *swoon*

Superman 3000 is a stupid prick.

And then finally, at a bar on Flatmas 12, we get our first look at Locus. And she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. She's bitter and angry and resentful and full of venomous words that I can't get enough of! Make me swell with your aural venom, Locus! Take me in your mouth and rend me in half with your vicious, biting words! Lift me up into the cynicism of your desperation! Hug me with your romantic despair! Fill up every one of my orifices with your embittered oratory until I'm black and blue from the anti-coagulants of your spiteful anger! This is one unstolid dream kitten and I've got the biggest love boner in the world.

You can't get in sexual harassment trouble from love boners! They are romantic instead of inappropriate!

If only I'd met this vision in real life at the ice rink I spent so much time in in my youth! Couples Skate? Yes please! *swoon*

Locus is not one of the Five but just the bestest underling any evil organization could ever have! But besides Persuader, Coeval is another one of the Five. Coeval is a "spontaneously generated Glimmernet life-form." I'm sure there's a genius reason why it's called "Coeval" but I can't come up with it. I think it was created when the Universe began or something. Except Glimmernet didn't exist then so maybe something else. Fuck, don't look at me! Come up with your own theories and then tell them to me and then I'll say "Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well" and take the wind out of your sails by showing you that your idea was so beneath me that I'd considered it and discarded it in practically the same instant. I suppose I could also say "meh" and just shit right in your mouth. Anybody on the internet that has ever answered you with "meh" basically pooped in your open mouth. And you probably liked it!

Before the JL3K Gang can get a lay of the land and begin their mission, Locus welcomes them to Flatmas 12.

Get away from her, "Green" Lantern! I don't really know why I put "Green" in quotes but I'm sure it was an incredibly insulting commentary on how clumsy he is with his penis.

Superman quickly gets his ass beat by Locus and then Wonder Woman queues up for her turn. Also Locus begins calling Green Lantern her boyfriend but he's not buying into it. What an idiot. Also, how good can her reality controlling powers be if she can't just make Green Lantern desire her?

Ick. That ability is a bit of a turn off. I think I still love Locus but I'm going to have to be sick while I gaze dreamily at her over the vomit bucket.

So The Flash 3000 has just been broken down to his messy, base constituents. Hopefully one of the powers he has that he didn't know about is reforming himself from a pile of goo.

Locus shrinks Green Lantern 3000 down and swallows him while saying something sexy about being safe and sound inside her. And then she teleports the last living members of the JL3K Gang to a place called Takron-Galtos where Coeval will be waiting to fuck with them.

Justice League 3000 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, sure. Locus's character has some sexist and superficial aspects written into it. But I just can't bring myself to be too concerned when she looks at me with those reality distorting eyes and that "I can turn you into dog shit" grin. She's the kind of woman I long to be subjugated by! Until I actually meet her and realize I can't stand her fucking bullshit and she was much better as simply a fantasy which probably speaks to the dangers of projecting your fantasies and fetishes on other individuals. But you can't consider that kind of intellectual mumbo jumbo if you want to live life! You just have to throw yourself into the ring, flawed thinking and dysfunctional habits and all! Go get 'em, you sexist, racist, misanthropic miserable fucking bastards! Grab life by the balls and make a complete fucking cunt of yourself! You can apologize and feel shame later. You know, if you're not a complete sociopath.