Green Lantern Corps #30

The Green Lanterns have a problem with Durlans in the same way that Earthlings have a problem with the Lizard People.

As you know, everybody is writing a novel. Most of us will never finish our novel at all. In fact, most of us will write novels that use the phrase "in fact" way too often, punctuating paragraphs with phrases like "very unique" and "literally walking on clouds." In fact, that last fact was completely incorrect because I said "most of us will write" when I actually meant "almost none of us will write." Most of us will write scenes inside of our head but never attempt to put them down in a book in a fairly linear manner. Unless we're avant-garde writers and then we'll make sure that our narrative has been exploded all over the place like a World War II Bomber falling out of the sky or like guts falling out of a man named Snowden who is very cold or like a frightened populace that suddenly doesn't know what the fuck is going on because somebody dropped a big bomb on somebody else and suddenly everything was different for some reason. I thought that since I am one of those people that will probably wind up having my novel published posthumously when some editors decide all of the notes all over my house can be put together into a coherent story even though I never did it because I'm lazy and unambitious, I would give everybody a very small sample of this literally very unique work!

This is an excerpt from my novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous (subtitled, And My Mother Proud), which is about a guy that's a metaphor for some other guy living in a world that's a vague metaphor that can easily be recognized by anybody reading the book as their own world.

“Keep the change, Samantha,” said the mysterious man. He wished this was another day and age. Not like last Wednesday but like King Arthur’s day and age so that he could take up her hand and kiss it and she would swoon all about the room and have babies with him. But it wasn’t a good old time like that at all. It was the modern times. And modern times insisted that you keep up a wall around you at all times and not get too close to every single person you interact with during the day. Probably because of lawsuits and germs, so it was a pretty good idea to not touch his mouth to her hand which was probably crawling with diseases from the last fifteen guys who bought coffee from her and fantasized about her doing chores in her underwear also.

“Thanks,” said Berkshire in that way that is almost sarcastic because it was only fifty cents he was tipping her but not quite sarcastic in case he decides to give her less next time and, really, she was glad to have the extra change since most people just used their debit cards and didn’t even consider tipping because who carries change anymore?! Berkshire handed him his coffee and turned to the next customer in line who could have been anybody because they’re not important to the rest of the story.

"Holy heck!" you're probably thinking! As well as, "What does that have to do with the Green Lantern Corps?!" Sure, I see your point. I also see that those future editors might mistakenly label my novel as a work of modernist humour when it is so obviously a horror romance. I should leave a note for future editors so they put the novel in the right section of the online bookstore.

Here are your precious Green Lanterns! I apologize if Van Jensen can't make them as entertaining as my novel.

Von Daggle is currently giving the Green Lantern Corps a refresher course on Durlans. Let's see. He tells them they can take the shape of anything. Arisia scrunches up her nose and tilts her head and says, "Anything? Like...even a bird?" Von Daggle snaps his fingers and says, "Yes! Yes! You have it! Even a bird! Even...even...A BUG!" Gasps gasped out of the assembled Green Lanterns. "Shirley, you are joking." None of the Green Lanterns were named Shirley and none of them had ever seen Airplane, so John Stewart pretended he wasn't the one who said that last line. And then, just as the Green Lanterns were coming to terms with the Durlans abilities and they thought they truly understood the threat they were facing, Von Daggle stopped them all from leaving by saying, "Stop! Don't leave!" For you see, the Green Lanterns needed to know the true danger they were in! They had to know one last thing that the Durlans might possibly become. Von Daggle waited until just the right amount of time had passed so that everybody was tense but not too much time had passed so that the tension began to wear off before he said: "They can even turn into...PLANTS!" He said that last word in an italicized way for emphasis and not because it was the name of a movie or book. All of the Green Lanterns were suitably terrified. Some of them even began stepping on all the blades of grass they could find. Just in case! But all that did was give Mogo a bruise and an orgasm.

John and Yrra were in the back of the class not paying attention. I bet they get killed by a plant now!

To find the Durlans, Mogo sets herself on fire. It's nothing any of the other Lanterns wouldn't do if asked. I'm fairly certain the Guardians used to frequently ask Green Lanterns to self-immolate all the time. And if the Lanterns didn't honor the request, the Guardians created Manhunters or Third Armies or Autoerotic Asphyxiation Space Monsters. You probably never heard of those last ones since most of them were wiped out by the Crisis on Infinite Earths. Some long time DC fans suspect it was because of those Space Monsters that Crisis on Infinite Earths wiped out everything.

The history of the Durlans is being told sporadically throughout this story by somebody to somebody else. I suppose it's by Van Jensen to me but I think that answer is breaking the illusion of storytelling somehow. Basically, the history of the Durlans can be summed up in three words: they were dicks. Four words if you think "total" should be thrown in there too. I wouldn't argue against it.

Mogo's burning pubes force the Durlans out into the open where the rest of the John Stewart Corps are waiting for them.

Come on, John! How do you keep a Durlan caged?

Apparently the way to keep a Durlan from changing into a creature that can slip through the bars of John's old timey cell construct is to make them burn through their current dose of radiation. Once they run out of radiation, they turn into a pile of intestines with eyeballs. That makes them easy to round up and also easy to call disgusting freaks. Although calling a creature a disgusting freak in front of an army composed of creatures that look like any two things you could find lying around and stick together (like intestines and eyeballs! Or soap and pubic hair!) is a good way to get gossiped about by team members back at the bar at the end of the day. "Arisia thinks she's so hot! Calling Durlans gross! She's gross!" is probably what Fatality would say because she saw the way John was trying to look up Arisia's mini-skirt during the fight.

Finally, Von Daggle ends his Ted Talk on Durlan History. It turns out that the original Durlans were all destroyed in a world shattering war after the Guardians of the Universe banished the entire race to Durla. Only a handful survived but they were in a constant state of flux and looked even more gross than the one Arisia had to look at. They simply became a big pool of shifting mouths and penises and fingers and feet and sphincters. They were totally useless and completely disgusting. So they decided to use their DNA to create clones! A new race of Durlans but ones that had to use radiation to shapeshift and held a huge grudge against the Green Lantern Corps.

One Durlan remains free on Mogo. I don't know how John knows that but it's Muk Muk the Fish Faced Lantern. Unless his name was something else. Grunion Guy, maybe? But what do they do with the other Durlans that are sure to escape? They may have already escaped! Can one Durlan look like multiple Durlans?! Maybe one took a hit for the team while the others turned into Sand Fleas and hopped away?

John has a thing about killing enemies! He gladly kills friends all the time!

Fatality decides this is no time to hunt Durlans or worry about the prisoners. Now is the time for the fucking!

I bet Mogo placed John and Yrra's bed right over one of his erogenous zones.

Meanwhile on Durla, The Ancients don their shape-holding Battle Armor so that they look less gross and head off to destroy the Green Lantern Corps!

Green Lantern Corps #30 Rating: No change. John Stewart has been acting fairly competently lately. What's going on? Why hasn't Hal Jordan sent him on a mission where John can't win? A mission where John winds up having to choose between his partner's death or the death of an entire civilization?! Stewart is being wasted in this comic book. Any competent Green Lantern could run this mission! Give Stewart a mission that will fundamentally change the way he sees himself and what he's capable of!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #2

It feels like we just had a Green Lantern Corps Annual!

I really kind of despise doing commentaries on the Annuals. But too many Annuals tie in to the main story nowadays to just disregard them. Remember the good old days when Annuals were simply a means to test out new writers and/or artists by telling a complete tale in one issue that didn't fuck with the current continuity of a character? No? Nobody remembers that? Then perhaps you remember when Annuals were a way to make the company a dickload of money by tying them into a huge summer blockbuster crossover event! Yeah, that usually sucked.

Anyway, I hate Annuals. I'd rather have a week off from buying fucking comic books. Dicks.

The issue begins with Mogo being invaded by a bunch of alien ships and one ship with a bunch of old Green Lantern foes who escaped when Relic attacked Oa back in the PreMogo Reboot PostCrisis days. According to the creative team's credits for this issue, this story may concentrate on who the villains are and how they chose so poorly that their lives became a constant stream of ass-poundings meted out by Green Lanterns. Also the story will be about each one getting another ass-pounding because Hal Jordan is pissed off and tired of being punched in the face by friends. Now it's time for him to do the face punching!

First up is Evil Star!

Well that's just...odd.

Ninety years ago, Evil Star self-administered a tattoo of a star to his chest. That tattoo was capable of sucking the life out of anybody that looked at it. Yeah, I know that feeling. I've had a few friends whose first tattoos did practically the same thing.

Also, that was the end of his origin! There must be a lot of villains to get through if we're keeping their origins to single pages!

Meanwhile John Stewart and his pals are battling a fleet of Khunds with ring draining weapons. Vash and Isamot are the first to fall.

Really Isamot? You can't bother to wear anything under your Green Lantern Energy Provided Uniform?

The rest fall quickly after this although we don't get to see John and Yrra in their underwear. Dammit.

Meanwhile on Durla where the Durlans live, Khurtz the Khund and PB Anj are meeting with "The Ancients" to discuss their alliance against the Green Lantern Corps. The Ancients are what the Durlans call a disgusting, orgiastic mess of Durlans that have decided to melt together and writhe in a musty basement for eternity. For some reason they enjoy manifesting mouths and eyeballs and fingers and tentacles but not one penis or vagina. Odd. I'm pretty sure all I would be is fifteen penises, buttholes, and vaginas all slapping together in a sexy, chaotic mess. But then I'd be the most perfect Durlan ever.

So when playing a board game, the Durlans never lose. They either win or scream "Hurricane Durlans!"

Thirty years ago, Bolphunga earned the stupid ass name of Bolphunga.

Four years ago, Chun Yull pisses off his coworkers and is shunned.

Kilowog says that like he knows about the taint piercing.

More fighting takes place on Mogo between the "origins" of the villains. Mogo brings down the other ships in the fleet and Hal discovers John and the others being held as prisoners on one. And we get to see John and Yrra in their underwear! A little bit.

For Mogo's sake Isamot! At least put a sock on it.

Eight years ago, Kanjar Ro was arrested and sold into slavery. And that is how he became KANJAR RO!

Once Hal Jordan recovers from getting a glimpse of Isamot's three pronged genitalia, he learns from John Stewart that Kanjar Ro and the other villains have joined the Green Lanterns to defeat the Durlans. They might have figured it out sooner if Hal Jordan hadn't insisted on finishing Kanjar Ro's opening statement incorrectly and then punching Kanjar in the mouth. Oh well. Live and learn! Unless you're Hal Jordan and then forget the learning half of that statement.

Six years ago, Zuree was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong job for the wrong people and wrongly sentenced for being wrong.

Twenty years ago, Hunger Dog chased down a wild Grogleplick to prove that he is the best tracker ever.

Now, The Green Lantern Corps have teamed up with a bunch of their oldest and most (unless I mean least) remembered villains. Each villain gets to team up with one Green Lantern as they search out the Durlans and foil their plan to destroy the Green Lantern Corps. I'm assuming that all of the villains that help will get a pardon for past convictions. But they'll also get a stern warning from Hal Jordan that the Green Lantern Corps will be watching their future actions very closely!

The issue ends with both sides searching for a long lost Green Lantern that headed up a special Green Lantern unit called the "Corpse." His name is Von Daggle and he's a Durlan.

Green Lantern Corps Annual #2 Rating: Full of sweet super villainy creme filling.

Green Lantern #27

Whenever I see Venditti's name on the cover of a comic book, I think of Demon Knights and get sad.

You know what I could watch all day, over and over? That scene in the second episode of The Venture Brothers where Brock Samson says, "They hit me with a truck." And then he proceeds to run over as many of The Monarch's henchman as he can. If I owned a club or a bar, I'd have that scene on a loop playing over and over and over again on a huge television behind the bar surrounded by dozens of bottles of expensive alcohol. Also, Doctor Girlfriend is super sexy. Deep voice, protruding Adam's Apple, and all.

Back to Hal Jordan, he's currently watching over Saint Walker in the new Green Lantern Corps Hospital. Even though Hal Jordan is on a crusade to stop other Lanterns from using the Emotional Spectrum, I bet he gives Saint Walker a pass! Because Saint Walker is useful to Hal Jordan's ring-slinging.

Well, that thankfully takes care of that! Now Hal won't look like a gigantic hypocrite. Again!

Judd Winick should get royalties every time I append "again" to a sentence.

After Hal walks away from Saint Walker calling him a fucking quitter, he meets up with Kilowog to discuss capturing the Sinestro Corps. The only problem is they have no idea where the Yellow Lanterns are. I wouldn't worry too much about them since the Yellow Spectrum wasn't refilled because Parallax never made the party. Although Sinestro did show up in the latest Forever Evil, so I guess it won't be long before he and Hal are bickering. Kilowog also reminds Hal that they have all those other one shot stories they can work on when he mentions all of the prisoners that the Green Lantern Corps let go when Relic destroyed Oa. Chasing down a certain number of antagonists is always a good back-up plot to have on hand to fill the spaces when a writer can't be bothered to think about another cosmic crisis.

The Green Lantern Corps' first new prisoners since they moved their headquarters to Mogo arrive: PB Anj's henchmen, the Braidsmen. They try to escape because that's the first thing you do in a role playing game when the Gamemaster has unfairly gotten your party arrested and is transporting you from one location to another. This time it's not very successful and they're quickly stopped although the Green Lanterns have to kill a tiny part of the universe to do it by using their Emotional Spectrum.

Yeah, Mukmuk! "Let's see you on a bike!" -- My High School Friend, Trarry Lantham.

Nobody ever says, "Let's have at each other on completely equal and fair footing and see who bests the other!" It's always, "You only got the better of me because you had an advantage! Why don't you get rid of your advantage and give me an advantage, and then we'll see who's the strongest!" I don't know what would constitute a fair and equal fight against a humanoid and a giant fish creature though. Chess?

The entire escape was a distraction to allow a few of the Braidsmen to escape and meet up with a contact already placed within The Green Lantern Corps' civilian staff. Some of these people may or may not be Durlans. Mukmuk tries to get a headcount but he has trouble, so I'm guessing an evenly matched battle with the Braidsman should not involve math.

Anyway, the Braidsmen manage to get to Hal Jordan but not without raising the general alarm that they're loose. Their contact is a Durlan so after knocking out Hal Jordan, it takes his face. That's a pretty big surprise if you forgot to look at the cover this month.

Here's a gift, Tumblr! The Durlan mentioned gender! Now's your chance to point out why everything it just said is idiotic so you can prove how clever and enlightened you are!

Once the Durlan takes Hal Jordan's face, it decides to broadcast a message to every single citizen in the universe that has a subscription to the Green Lantern Satellite Sub-Etha Radio Channel. That message is that Hal Jordan and the Green Lanterns are a threat to the universe because their rings drain the Emotional Spectrum and once the Emotional Spectrum is gone, nobody will ever want to have sex again. Fake Hal Jordan goes on to say that the Green Lanterns don't give a shit and they will continue to use their rings. But they will arrest anybody else that tries to use the Emotional Spectrum. And since most everybody in the universe knows Hal Jordan's reputation for being a complete douchebag, they believe the message. A few panels show a few planets getting very angry although what the fuck do they care? I don't see any of the citizens running around wearing a ring. There must be a principle at play here that I'm conveniently not wanting to understand because I want to portray myself as a bit of a sociopath.

I guess the Green Lantern Corps keeps embassies on various planets around the universe because they all begin reporting in immediately that they're under attack by rioters. Then the Durlan runs back off in his Cook Disguise and the Braidsmen blow themselves up.

Even one of Hal's closest work associates (I wasn't completely comfortable saying "friend" even though they called each other friends earlier) believes the Durlan's horrible message was actually delivered by Hal!

Green Lantern #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fuck you, Hal Jordan! You're lucky I think you're a good character even though I hate you so much! The problem is that if Hal Jordan is really being written well, he's somebody I have no sympathy for at all. Like most of the characters in Mad Men! Now, Hal wasn't really annoying or douchebaggy in this issue which is why I had to begin my final "Review" paragraph cursing at him. I didn't get enough of that during the rest of my commentary! The most fascinating bit of this issue was the "Next Month" blurb where it says that Red Lanterns #28 will be incorporated into Green Lantern #28 AT NO ADDED COST! What are you doing, DC?! Giving away free shit?! Oh, I get it. This is an attempt to boost Red Lanterns numbers, isn't it? Well fuck! You should try boosting other titles this way! I'm all for a free comic book as often as possible!

Green Lantern #26

Ha ha ha ha! What an asshole.

Last issue, Hal Jordan decided that there wasn't enough Spectrum Power to go around and the Green Lanterns should be in control of it all. That was the dumb decision he made. The good decision he made was to go after rogue Spectrum Users that have proven themselves to be criminals and all around dick dicking dicks. The first Ring Bearer he went after was a Star Sapphire named PB Anj. He promptly got his ass kicked by her and her gang. Serves him right!

Surrounded by dozens of laser wielding bad guys on a planet far out in the outer rim of the solar system, Hal Jordan believes he's in a position to make demands.

Uh oh! Now she's angry! Better add an additional charge of unlawful use of emotions!

Now that she's angry and being accused of emotions (as opposed to murder which is the real crime Hal should be throwing in her face), PB Anj and her crew really begin to kick Hal's ass. Kilowog's too. If he has one. He might poo out of his mouth for all I know. It would be offensive to simply assume he shit like a human.

Hal decides they need back-up, so he sends out a message to the rest of the Green Lantern Corps. This moment is so incredibly amazing and awesome that it had to be covered by Channel 52. Except the opposite of amazing and exciting. Which is par for the course for local news programs, you know? The cable news networks lie and guess and vamp because they have so much time to fill. The local news programs simply read press releases and show internet videos. I hate them all. I hope Ambush Bug can escape the Channel 52 Newsroom in the future.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Get over it already! Peak Emotion is a myth!

I know I've said it before and you know I'll say it again and it might seem like hyperbole when I say it but it's Jesus Christ's Gospel Truth: Hal Jordan is a fucking douchebag motherfucking idiot narcissistic asshole frat boy bastard piece of shit. He has decided to arrest anybody that he judges is abusing the emotional spectrum. So he hunts down one space female using one ring to commit some crime in the outer rim. But when she gets the upper hand on him, what does he do? He mobilizes every fucking Green Lantern in the Universe to come save his ass! If that isn't abusing the emotional spectrum, I'll find somebody with a hat and make them eat it!

How am I supposed to remember the names of the different Green Lantern Corps members when they're all orange and they all have one syllable names with the same vowel sound?

Look at these fucking dicks! They refuse to use their own rings so they can feel righteous in their belief that they're not draining the spectrum but their refusal to use their rings means somebody else has to use their rings to transport them! This is like somebody that loves to eat meat bragging about how they've never hurt an animal in their life!

Meanwhile on whatever planet Hal and Kilowog were on, Hal curbstomps one of the Braidmen. Except he does it against a bar and he uses his hands and not his feet. So he barsmashes his teeth out which is probably much better for some reason. The guy is the Lead Braidman and his son takes issue with Hal beating on him. Hal's advice to the kid?

Holy fuck, Hal. You're definitely not Indigo material.

"Better you grow up on the street with no guidance or care from an adult that probably loves you than have to be subjected to a life of ill-gotten material goods and shelter paid for by illicit means!" Maybe you should just kill the kid, Hal? Just put him out of his misery if his life is so awful with his criminal father.

The rest of the planet Dekann's civilians begin attacking Hal and Kilowog as well. But help arrives in the form of Iath the Tree Lantern and Gorin-Sunn the Flame Lantern. Not long after, the rest of the Lantern Corps arrives with Mogo following. Why did they have to expend all of their ring energy by flying when they could have just rode along with Mogo? At least 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 gets a cameo.

Le Sigh.

The Corps has a tough time getting the civilians of Dekann to give up. And it's not like they can just kill them. Can they? I've seen Green Lanterns kill various alien beings before. What's the policy on killing? Maybe I just thought I saw them kill aliens! I suppose it's a bit like every day police. They aren't supposed to kill people but as soon as they think there might possibly be the slightest hint that maybe their life might imaginably be sort of in danger, they feel justified in killing. Hal does command Mogo to drop down near the planet so that the planet is nearly torn apart by gravitational forces. I bet Mogo derives sexual pleasure from this maneuver.

Granack, PB Anj's head Braidman, decides to surrender himself and all of his men but only if PB Anj is allowed to go free. Hal reluctantly agrees because there are too many Green Lantern witnesses to get away with slaughtering everyone. But he forces PB Anj to give up her Star Sapphire ring. And since that's all he really cares about, Hal probably feels he won. Except then PB Anj lets him know that she's going to begin telling everybody she meets how the Green Lantern Corps are destroying the universe by using their rings. Whoops!

The Universe needs a fucking Snopes.com because this Peak Emotion is just a bullshit urban legend that's really getting out of control.

After Hal and the other Lanterns leave, the child from earlier and another civilian reveal that they are Durlans and that their plan is going better than expected. Some Four Armed somebody with a Fortress and a bunch of ancients are also part of their plan. That might mean something to Green Lantern fans but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Green Lantern #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. Hal Jordan is such a fucking prick. But at least he's consistent! I like consistency in my comic book characters and Hal never fucking disappoints! Nice fuck up this month, pal!

Green Lantern #25

The most powerful weapon in the universe and Kilowog uses it to make...a flail! Perhaps that's the mightiest weapon ever invented on his home planet which I can't name but I'm sure a bunch of you nerds are saying it and snorting at me right now! "Mashter Comic Book Reader, my ash! *SNORT*"

You know I mock my people lovingly, right? Don't get your oversized glasses, Batgirl panties, and poorly fitting Hot Topic t-shirts in a snit over my stereotyping! I could understand how you might get upset though being that I'm the Michelangelo's David of the nerd culture. I'm the Fonzi of geeks! I'm like, "Heeeeeeey, calm down nerds!" But then when some other street tough starts picking on us for playing Warhammer on the bus, I'm like, "Heeeeey, you want me to pull out the Critical Hit Charts? How'd you like me to destroy your shoulder joint almost totally -- so that the arm hangs limply, a mass of tattered and pulpy flesh and protruding fragments of bone? And then, by chance, one of the bone splinters will sever a major artery, after which, a fraction of a second later, you'll collapse with blood pouring out from the ruins of your shoulder. Death from shock and blood loss will be almost instantaneous." Then the street tough will throw up his hands and say, "Okay, okay! Cool it, man, cool it! We cool? We're cool." And I'll turn around, the hero, as my nerdy friends jump up and pat me on the back and tell me how cool I was. But I'll stop them and go, "Aaaaaay!" as I throw up the collar to my jacket and comb back my greased hair. Then I'll snap my fingers and every lady on the bus will run into my arms and be, "Let's all make out with him at the same time because he's the only guy in Milwaukee worthy of Inspiration Point!"

Don't judge me for my fantasies!

Meanwhile in Robert Venditti and Billy Tan's fantasy world, Hal Jordan is having employee problems.

Yeah, let's see how long that lasts. It's not like Green Lanterns get a stipend. How are you going to survive if you can't make counterfeit currency to buy your meals and use your ring to create or forcefully procure lodgings?

I can't believe so many Green Lanterns are falling for Relic's bullshit theory. But I've harped on that enough during Lights Out. But then they don't pick Green Lanterns based on their incredulity, do they? Just willpower. Which means they'll stubbornly believe even stupid bullshit with no evidence to confirm said bullshit. All I know is that some stuff happened and some other stuff happened and nothing really confirmed anything. They haven't even had enough time figure out if their rings are still acting wonky! They just assumed everything was fixed once Relic screamed that he was correct and that the spectrum had been replenished. Whatever. I'm used to living amongst a mentally ill populace that believes crazy fucking pseudo-historical religious crap, so I think I can deal with a bunch of Green Lanterns that don't understand how the scientific method works.

Hal is the voice of reason? Except even he is kind of buying into Relic's version of things with that whole tank being filled up shit.

Hal's voice of reason gives out almost immediately which makes me feel everything is right with the universe. His new plan as leader of the Green Lantern Corps? Arrest everybody using a non-Green ring! That way there's more Emotional Spectrum Power for the Green Lanterns! He definitely thinks like an American.

Wait. That's not how it's always been? Has my cynicism caused me to read the Corps wrong all these years? I guess Carol only feels they're edging into a police state now that Hal has threatened to take her shit. Way to be a team player, Ferris.

Carol leaves before Hal tries to take her ring leaving Hal, John, and Kilowog to discuss the new direction the Green Lanterns will be taking. John is against going after ring bearers who are just using the rings like the Green Lanterns are. But Hal points out there are more than a few using the Emotional Spectrum that should be behind bars. Kilowog suggests they put on a show to prove the Green Lantern Corps is still a worthy endeavor, even if it is sucking the universe off dry. So Hal makes a decision: they are going to hunt down PB Anj, the renegade Star Sapphire that killed a Green Lantern during the previous crisis.

Back off, lady! Kilowog is hunting a Love Lantern not a Suck My Dick Lantern!

Hmm, maybe I stand corrected! Oh wait. Hal on his knees is opposite of that! I guess she's a Lick My Clit Lantern.

Apparently if you say your Lantern Corps is based on "love," all I wind up thinking about is sex because Kilowog bashes PB Anj in the face and says, "But you did manage to rub me the wrong way," and I think, "Hand Job Lantern?" This might be why only females are allowed to be Star Sapphires. The Zamarons probably got tired of hearing guys light the sky purple screaming, "By the power of fucking, I WILL PUNISH YOU!" And seriously, you know what light construct guys would constantly be using with their new purple power.

I know there are women reading this thinking, "I'd totally be thinking of love as sex too!" Yeah, well you wouldn't make the fucking cut for the Star Sapphires either! I think members of the Love Corps have to pass a naivety test where they're presented sayings like "Chocolate Starfish" and "Bone Collector" and "Bolovaxian" and "Albino Cave Dweller" and "Poglachian" and asked to name which sector of the galaxy the recruit thought the being lived in. If they giggle at any of them, they're right the fuck out of the Corps.

Kilowog takes down PB Anj so that Hal can tell her why she's being arrested. He glosses over her murder of Cossite the Green Lantern to make sure she knows the main reason he's taking her in is her "unauthorized use of the emotional spectrum." Great. So is Hal going to come after me when I weep hysterically after I finish masturbating?

PB Anj has some back-up which Hal believes he can take care of with an oversized bowling ball construct. Kilowog creates some gigantic crab creatures native to his planet. But then PB Anj blooms with dozens of Love Blossoms with which she transfers some of her power to her underlings.

Hee hee. Love Blossoms.

This leaves Hal and Kilowog outnumbered and in trouble for next issue.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't like that Hal has decided to begin a crusade against the other light bearers that aren't using the light in the way he deems it should be used. But I don't find that decision a fault in the story or the characterization of Hal. I expect Hal to make stupid decisions like this! I do like that he has members of the Green Lantern Corps that are against this decision and are beginning to discuss a new way for the Green Lantern Corps to participate in the policing of the Universe. On the plus side, I don't mind Hal and the others going after Ring Bearers that have historically used their rings in obviously shitty ways. That does seem like a good way for the Green Lantern Corps to police the universe. Let local lawmen police their own local star systems but if they have trouble with a Ring Bearer, call in the Green Lantern Corps for back-up. Hal just needs to drop the American-style need to control all of the power and just worry about actual miscreants, murderers, and general, all-around criminal fuck-ups.

Green Lantern #23

"Let me love you...with my fist!"

I have a plan to write a book and publish it myself using crowdfunding. It's going to be about a Werewolf during every day of his life in one year other than the nights of the Full Moon. Because he won't remember those! Duh! I'm going to call it "59/61ths Human". I've already begun thinking up the rewards for people who donate to the cause. For $10, you'll get the book printed up on my printer, one-sided, and held together with a paper clip. For $150, you'll get the same thing but I'll number the pages! But until that fantastic day when my super duper awesome werewolf story is flying off my printer tray, I'll stick to reading comic books!

The first thing Hal Jordan does this month is piss me right the fuck off my fucking not-being-pissed-off post!

Hal is the shallowest motherfucker in the galaxy.

Now I really wouldn't care if he were judging them by their physical attributes if the job were based on those attributes. Say Green Lanterns were always working around fire without adequate protection. Well, that little fuzzy guy would be right out because who needs a spontaneous fireball suddenly running amidst the ranks screaming its terrified head off? But being a Green Lantern is based on Willpower, you stupid asshat piece of fucking garbage dump shit-stained underwear wankathon referee! If the rings picked these recruits, these recruits have the power to face great fucking fear. You do remember how it works, right asshole? Listen to Kilowog! He's the master recruit trainer! He knows what he's fucking talking about. And who cares if the little guy tucked the thumb into the fist that hit you in the back of the head! It's a LIGHT CONSTRUCT, you dumb bastard! He could have given it gorgeous fucking nails as well and it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest, as long as he made it nice and solid and as long as he was hitting you in the back of the head!

Oh yeah. Man that was a great moment last issue. I have to relive the excitement into the bathroom sink. I'll be right back.

Okay, what else did I want to rant about? Man, you'd think you'd be more clearheaded after eliminating the negative Chi but now I'm just sleepy. Oh! I know what I was going to be fake mad about as well! How the hell can Hal Jordan consider firing Octopus Face?! She's simply to die for! And by die for, I mean masturbate into the sink while looking at my own facial expressions in the mirror for!

Seriously? You can't remember that, Hal? You can practically sing it! But don't call her "Two-Six.Period"! You could at least call her Jenny.

I love these new recruits just as much as I hate Hal Jordan! This book is really picking up!

Hal doesn't seem comfortable dealing with the new recruits and he's no better at dealing with the dead and wounded left over from the battle with Larfleeze. I think he's mostly upset that none of these things actually have anything to do with him or his glory. So he decides to ditch the Corps and go off alone to hunt down the escaped prisoner that turned into a Star Sapphire. Her name is Prixiam Nol-anj but he's probably just going to call her "PB Anj".

I don't know, Hal. You can keep denying it but Kilowog and I both came to the same conclusion separately!

I know being a super-hero doesn't often come with the ability of introspection but Hal Jordan seems to have even less than most people. I know this and I just told everybody that I masturbated into a sink! Boy, I hope everybody thinks I was joking!

Hal Jordan decides that being a good leader of an army is telling the army to sit somewhere in safety while the leader goes off to fight all of the battles on his own. He's a fucking military genius!

Meanwhile PB Anj heads back to her home base where a few of her people recognize her and welcome her back as "The Prixiam." Her people are some kind of Space Sand People living out in the Outer Territory of Sector 0563. PB Anj's Space Sand People can't find anybody else to steal from since all the Jawas and Humans and Hutts moved away from the Circumference long ago to get jobs and raise their families on identical little planets in dead-end solar systems. But now that PB Anj is back, things are going to get all Brigandy again! I guess they'll just have to spend a little extra on gas while raiding planets closer into the center of the Sector.

Hal Jordan arrives on her world not long after she does.

Why can't Hal Jordan keep his big fat fucking head inside the panels?! Dammit! Now I'm sounding like Jim Shooter!

Hal, I realize I had the cover of the comic book to alert me to some of the pitfalls lying ahead of you during your adventure, but even you should realize the extreme danger you're now in. Hell, you should have realized it before you headed for this planet. If the rings keep failing, you shouldn't even be risking space travel! At least now when the ring fails, you'll have thirty seconds before you die! Although I'm not sure how long you'd have in space if your ring failed. What kills you first in space? The cold? Asphyxiation? Dying in agony as the gases in your body expand due to the lack of pressure? Small particles piercing your brain at near light speed? Space vampires?

Hal Jordan discovers a concealed airlock in the side of a rock and decides to break it down and fuck up the integrity of possibly the only safe place on the planet. I suppose he can rush into the ship that PB Anj brought with her. But I'd rather believe that he just fucked up everybody's chances for survival! Although I do have to applaud his choice of light constructs. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

This is basically what I saw reflected back at me in the mirror earlier this evening.

Green Lantern's next construct is a spiral slide thing that turns the lasers on the Space Sand People that just fired them at Hal. It's really pretty cool. So now Hal is two for two on Light Constructs that I absolutely approve of. I bet he fucks it all up and follows with a fucking baseball bat with a nail in it.

It's at this point in the story where Green Lantern finds out that PB Anj has become a Star Sapphire. She manipulates him with his love for Carol Ferris because she can see all of that romantic shit. I bet if she wanted to, she could figure out Hal's secret identity now! But before she can hurt him too bad, the rings cut out.

I got a little bit excited by the sound effect of the ring coming back online.

Once Hal's power returns, he rushes off to find Carol Ferris since he was given a vision of where she was by PB Anj's Love Power. He saw her with Rayner and the Guardians battling against Relic. He figures if he can save his ex-girlfriend from this threat, she'll have to come back to him!

Green Lantern #23 Rating: +5 Ranking! From now on (and by "now" I actually mean since last week), I'm basing my Ranks on how much I viscerally enjoy a comic book and not on some stupid intellectual mumbo-jumbo! I don't need to sound rational and smart to describe why this comic book rocked my face off! It was just super duper good! To quote a better and more passionate writer than myself: "It was epic! 5 out of 5 stars!"

Green Lantern Corps #20

Yay! I think "Epilogue" means over!

This comic book has been sitting on the bottom of my new comic pile for two weeks now because DC is full of stupid dumb dumb heads that can't do anything right. Well, I guess they can do lots of stuff right but I'm not going to credit them with any of that stuff when I have a bone of contention to pick out of their faces. This comic clearly states "Epilogue" right there on the front! See it? Tiny letters? Right up top? And yet it came out two weeks before the Wrath of the First Lantern Finale! That's worse planning than the Catwoman/Justice League America catastrophe they had last month! Unless it was the beginning of this month? I don't remember! I just wanted to use the word "catastrophe" in relation to Catwoman!

I'm glad G'nort didn't make the cover of this issue because that would have ruined the surprise G'nort appearance in Green Lantern #20. If you haven't read Green Lantern #20 yet, I just made that up about G'nort appearing in it. That never happened. But you should probably have read that issue before reading this issue anyway! Don't you know the definitions of "epilogue" and "finale"?!

The issue begins with Kilowog and Guy pulling Salaak out of the closet the Guardians had locked him in because he was getting too nosy and uppity and rebellious. They fill him in on what happened in Green Lantern #20 and ruin the surprise for anybody that didn't know what the word "epilogue" meant and read this book two weeks ago.

I guess that image doesn't totally spoil it. The Wrath of the First Lantern could have ended in an orgy and that could be semen covering the two of them. Although Kilowog saying they died kind of makes it a really horrible orgy.

Meanwhile John and Fatality ride Mogo back to its home orbit in Sector 2261. And then John and Fatality fuck each other right on Mogo's face.

So two women have sex in Batwoman and it gets a Teen Plus Rating. But three Green Lanterns have some kinky three way sex and it's just a Teen Rating! Where's the consistency?!

Back on Oa where everybody is currently keeping their dicks and vaginas and whatever planets fuck with in their pants, Salaak shows Guy Gardner some footage of the Guardians conspiring with Xar to set Guy up for dereliction of duties or some other fancy charge. And now that the Guardians are dead, Guy needs to hunt down Xar and get him back in the Oan super cells. Or to, you know, kill him. I think Guy is going to be leading the Red Lanterns soon so there might be some tragedy associated with Xar and Guy and Guy's family coming up. To prevent this from happening (although I've seen the adverts for Red Lantern #21 with Guy Gardner so I don't think anything can be prevented!), Guy brings Saint Walker along on the hunt so that Guy can be super duper charged when he fights with Xar. And sure enough, Salaak tracks down Xar. He's on Earth and he's terrorizing Guy's family.

Nobody's died yet and here he comes! So what's going to go wrong?

Guy Gardner's super-charged ring disintegrates Xar in one gigantic two page panel. And then the Gardner family hugs! Although Guy's dad might just be hugging his other son and daughter because he's happy they're safe. He might still hate Guy for not saving a whole plane full of people from dying. Well, old man, did you save them? No? Well be mad at yourself as well then! Guy didn't plant the bombs, you stupid drunk asshole. I have no time for bitter old men!

Fuck. I guess I'm going to hate myself in a few decades.

Afterward, the Gardner siblings go camping.

That hum is probably created by the one or so atmospheres of pressure on your ear drums created by the ring around your body so you don't bubble up and explode while in deep space. Or maybe it's just the hum of the ring as it constantly maintains the pressure and oxygen around your body. Plus all the cosmic radiation! But I doubt Guy has spent any time in space unprotected to hear the actual sounds because when he is unprotected, he's probably too busy dying to think, "That's an odd hum!"

Guy decides he's going to take some vacation days now that Geoff Johns isn't around to push him into one catastrophe after another. So he hangs out on Earth trying to relax. Day Seven of his vacation is probably my favorite.

I'm surprised the cover didn't proclaim, "Guy Gardner versus the King of Atlantis!"

Guy only makes it about ten days. It's the people that drive him away. Bunch of jerks living on Earth, I tell you what.

Also his brother is stupid.

Green Lantern Corps #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Who was Guy Gardner dating when he threw the asshole through the movie screen? She looked familiar! I think Fire and Ice had a bit of a Justice League Satellite Teleportation accident and they were fused into one person and that's the person Guy was dating. I'm pretty sure Green Hair plus White Hair ends up being Blonde Hair. Anyway, as always, Tomasi presents an enjoyable story driven mostly by the characters. Who needs an action packed plot when you can make people this interesting?

Green Lantern Corps #19

Green Lanterns are stupid. Perhaps holding on to piece of Mogo as Mogo reforms isn't the best way to escape being crushed by Mogo when Mogo reforms.

Volthoom is still going on and on about emotions helping him power up to take over the universe. Even though I had a brief glimmer of interest in this story when I realized Volthoom was a cosmic rapist raping across all time and space, I really just can't wait until it's over. I've had it up to here (two feet above my head for those that can't see me gesticulate (hopefully that's all of you!)) with Volthoom's cosmic temper tantrum. I think I gave him too much credit as a diabolical, creepy, horrible villain by suggesting he was a rapist. He's actually just a fucking brat throwing a temper tantrum. And the more he flails and whines and screams, the more he powers up and eventually the universe is just going to give in to his childish whims. Anyway, I don't think "child throwing a temper tantrum" is that far off from "rapist" anyway. Some of you might disagree. Vehemently.

And it's not just Volthoom that drives me crazy. I've had enough of these alternate time line stories. I thought Rotworld was fun but then you knew the whole time it was going to end up being a dream or a do-over or something and everything would return to the unaffected present. I can accept these kind of "elseworld" stories that ultimately leave The New 52 Universe alone but these stories where the alternate time lines and the time travel are directly tied to the actual present New 52 timeline are kind of a cheat and ultimately end up in stupid paradoxical time lines. Why should I care about characters making sure a certain future does or doesn't come about? That means nothing to me because the future isn't set in stone anyway. So an infinite amount of futures are not going to be the one true future anyway. I suppose we should believe that the Legion of Super-heroes future is the "actual" future. But that just makes these alternate time line stories worse. Why should Harvest even exist? If his future never comes true, he should never come to the past. If we have to accept that all futures are possible, then we must accept that all pasts and all presents are possible. As such, we end up with a DC Universe with Infinite Earths. Maybe the editors at DC should go back in time and talk DC out of doing Crisis on Infinite Earths since it doesn't matter anyway. At least that way, they might change time enough to not have to deal with me since Crisis is what turned me on to comic books.

Examining Harvest a little more closely, we see a character that comes from a future that he wants to change. So a character that will never exist if he succeeds is driving a fuckload of plots in the present. This causes my suspension of disbelief to vomit all over the front of its shirt. If we believe that a universe exists for every possible choice, then saving or destroying a possible future is futile. Because all possible futures are both saved and destroyed. I might as well just be reading stories of Harvest masturbating.

And speaking of masturbation, let's see what Volthoom has in store for the greatest masturbators in the universe: The Green Lantern Corps!

Mogo isn't just a planet; it's an anti-rape condom.

Can I mention, for just a brief aside (no, no! This one will be brief!) how horrible and ghastly the anti-rape condom is? Not because of what it does to the rapist's prick. Who cares about that asshole? But the idea that someone expects a woman to wear this thing like an accessory, because humans are assholes and rape just seems to be expected, is grotesque. And it doesn't prevent a woman from being raped! Is the satisfaction that the man will now be in great pain and probably caught enough to warrant the contraption's use? Or is this like putting up a Home Security sign in your yard? Or is just the idea that these things exist supposed to make a rapist averse to rape?

Geez. Who is going to continue reading my commentaries on the Green Lantern Corps when all I can do is discuss rape? I'm suddenly like the comic book store guy in this post! "Hey ladies! Who wants to have a long and lengthy rape discussion with me over dessert and drinks?! Men, you're welcome as well, as long as you're weaker and less powerful than me. Don't worry. It won't get weird!"

I think I just creeped myself out.

Does it even matter if I continue at this point?! I think I can hear Unfollow Buttons being clicked all across the world.

Don't worry! Mogo will save you from the horror of my words!

I think I need a layer of Mogo around my brain.

I scanned this to get all of Mogo's dialogue so the next scan will have its desired effect.

I find this image tremendously comforting.

The limits of the layout of the page forces me to reduce that image to 620 pixels but I hope the feeling still comes through. After all the torment that Volthoom has put the Green Lantern Corps through, this image of Mogo protecting them and pulling them to the safety of its bosom with quiet words of comfort was unexpectedly sweet and touching.

But I imagine the moment won't last too long. I don't know if Volthoom is yet powerful enough to screw with Mogo's past or if planets, evolving over such great lengths of time, are less mutable to his time line changing powers. I don't think I've ever read any Green Lantern stories with Mogo, so I don't know the character's personality. Whether it's different or not here, I love this image of Mogo as nourishing protector of the other Corps Members.

Volthoom isn't sure if his powers will work on a planet either. But he's certainly going to try!

Guy Gardner Put Downs 101: "Remove any part of a person's name. Replace it with 'Crap'."

Volthoom's next big trick is to create Red, Yellow, and Black constructs of every member of the Green Lantern Corps. I take it he has as many strange and wonderful powers as H'el had. You know, any power he needs to advance the plot.

The next few pages are filled with panels of the Green Lanterns fighting their doppelgangers.

This is my favorite panel.

And then all the doppelgangers stop fighting and Mogo reveals that this was not Volthoom's doing at all! Volthoom doesn't have any old power he wants! Mogo does! Not really. I'll let Mogo explain its plan:

Mogo does not just provide refuge and comfort but nourishment as well.

Thanks to Mogo, the Green Lantern Corps is ready to take on Volthoom and put an end to this cosmic event. Hopefully the last Green Lantern Cosmic Event for many, many years.

Green Lantern Corps #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. Mogo's personality being comprised of the way human beings anthropomorphize the planet Earth won me over. I found it odd that John uses the male pronoun at one point in conjunction with Mogo. Being that a planet shelters and nourishes the creatures on it, I'd expect people to generally use the female pronoun when discussing Mogo. Although Mogo is still a planet which, personality or not, is genderless, so I will continue to use "it".