Action Comics #27

Aww! Is Ukur the Beast Lord looking for his widdle Monster Son?

Glancing over at my bookshelf, I'd forgotten that I have this book:

It was stacked flat on top of a bunch of Sandman Books and Alan Moore trades, lying between House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski and Ring by Koji Suzuki. It was given to me by my friend Mark in Seattle quite a few years ago. I don't remember why. We were both probably very drunk at the time. Here's a picture of the back cover:

I really wish he were holding it with the back cover showing so we could get some infinite recursion going on right in front of his pee pee!

Oh wait! This is cute. This is the cover of the book without the dust jacket.

It's a very interesting book if you like reading about ding-a-lings. And it has lots of great facts like the farthest medically recorded ejaculation was 23.5 inches! I should measure from my penis to my eyeball to see if I have that beat because I'm fairly certain I've hit myself in the eye on occasion while masturbating! That's got to be about two feet, right? I should invite a doctor over to witness my display sometime!

Here's another good one. If you've recently read Genesis, it'll sound familiar. "When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors would place their hands over the testicles of a witness to indicate their sincerity and honesty. Words like "testify" and "testament" all derive from this unique association." Abraham and his descendants go all over the place cupping each others bollocks. And yet nobody runs around shouting that that tradition should be upheld! Fucking hypocrites!

One last picture before I finish reading the Penis Book and actually open up Action Comics #27.

I usually just say masturbation every time I bring it up in my commentaries! I'm so unimaginative!

If you're into books with pictures of cocks that you can leave on your bookshelf in plain view for anybody to see, I highly recommend The Penis Book. It's funny, entertaining, and full of enlightening facts about a guy's constant companion that he probably doesn't really know all that much about. Mostly guys just know where they like to stick it and they stop caring about anything else. Anyway, that's Tess Ate Chai Tea's Book Review Corner!

So Action Comics begins with Clark Kent remembering when he was seven years old and about to fling himself out of a tree because he believes that he can fly. Now, he hasn't had that moment yet where he hovers in mid-air yet, so I don't think he has any real reason to believe that he can fly except for the fact that he knows he won't die when he falls fifty feet and lands awkwardly on his neck. So why not give it a fucking go, right? Plus, he just recently nearly toasted his father with his heat vision. And if you suddenly find that your eyes fire lasers, flying should be a piece of fucking cake, right? But before he throws himself out of the tree for the fourth time in a row, his super-hearing kicks in and he hears Ma and Pa Kent talking about him.

Pa Kent: "He's a little freak, Martha!"
Ma Kent: "Don't say that, Johnny! He's beautiful!"
Pa Kent: "But he ain't human! He's hungry and he's desperate to get his fill!"
Ma Kent: "*giggle* Johnny! Stop it! What if Clark hears?!"
Pa Kent: "Oh, he's out throwing himself out of the tree. We've got time! Now come on! Kiss the little one-eyed freak!"
Ma Kent: "Okay. But I've got my own little drooling alien that's hungry too. And mine's a cannibal! It's going to feast on your freak!"
Pa Kent: "Why Martha Kent! You seductress you! Come here!"
Ma and Pa Kent: *lots and lots of sex noises*
Clark Kent: "Make it stop! For the love of God, how do I stop hearing!?"

After hearing his parents fuck long and hard, Clark finds it difficult to be around them.

Do they explain that not all babies come from outer space in a rocket ship?

Clark is having this memory because he currently has a little dragon boy in a giant cake dish curled up around Superman's cape. The little dragon boy keeps calling Superman stupid in Japanese. It seems to be the only word the kid knows. Or it just recognizes that Superman is actually that nerdy loser Clark Kent.

No, that's your name, stupid! He kind of looks a bit like Teen Titans Cartoon Beast Boy, doesn't he?

The Dragon Boy escapes and begins running around touching all of Clark's stuff. The only thing he ever says is "baka" which should make Superman question whether or not he was correct that the boy is speaking a language. Usually when somebody is speaking another language, they have more than one word for things. But everything is a "baka" to this kid! Maybe his language only has two words! One for himself and one for "The Other."

While Superman tries to figure out Dragon Boy's language (which is really difficult when Dragon Boy calls everything the same thing), Lana Lang calls and tells him she's about to go Lara Croft on the hole out of which the monster emerged. Clark points out that Lana is an electrical engineer and not an archaeologist and that maybe she should wait for somebody else. Lana points out that she's dressed just like Lara Croft plus she has a high-tech gun and what else do you need to explore ancient ruins and also go fuck yourself, Clark?

Lana Lang enters the hole while secretly being followed by Ghost Soldier. Eventually she finds an old ancient ruin with some kind of red sun magic lantern thing hovering above it. This is a bit like the DC Comics Presents issue when Superman and Hawkgirl explored an ancient ruin and were sucked into some kind of a black hole or something. Except this story is different in every single way. Like Lana Lang doesn't have wings.

And Superman was the one to fight the monsters.

At least Lana was prepared to fight giant monsters with her little electric gun she rigged up because she's an electrical engineer. I'm sure she'll be okay. Especially if she can convince the monsters to turn into children.

These must be more shapeshifting children since they're all chained to the walls. I guess their shackles must shapeshift with them. But why would they be chained in these ruins far underground? Is there a possible clue somewhere about who might be behind it?! It must be some kind of Beast Lord or something that's captured them all!

Superman shows up with his new sidekick, Baka the Dragon Boy. And Lana is happy that he's arrived to help but still fuming that Clark called her "just an electrical engineer." Although he didn't call her that. He never said "just," you jerko! He pointed out your chosen field did not grant you the same kind of expertise that you would have if you were an archaeologist and that perhaps you weren't the best suited to go down into some ancient forgotten ruin all by yourself. Especially knowing that at least one monster came out of those ruins. Stop being offended at something nobody even said, Lana. You're just arguing with your own low self-esteem at this point! He didn't even imply anything! The inference was all in your head. Now calm down and start shooting things. But not Superman. Don't shoot Superman!

Oh! Or Baka the Dragon Boy! Sheesh!

Lana and Clark argue for a bit because Lana is a total Backseat Supergirl and The Day After the Game Quarterback! She points out that Superman was supposed to throw cute little Baka the Dragon Boy into the sun. Clark points out that she doesn't sign his fucking paychecks so she doesn't get to tell him what to do. Lana points out that Baka is a monster. Clark points out that Baka speaks another language! Lana points out that it says one fucking word over and over again. Clark points out that Lana is a total bitch. Lana points out that Clark is a sexist fucktard.

Luckily, Ukur the Beast Lord arrives to break up the squabble. Although he actually just causes more trouble by zapping Baka the Dragon Boy and causing Baka to turn into Baka the Very Large and Extremely Angry Blue Dragon. It spits lightning all over the cavern, triggering a cave in. When the dust settles, everybody calms down and takes a few seconds to talk.

Ukur says, "A few words in a strange script. A few words irange scr ipt. Strange script."

Ukur points out that he and his beasts aren't enemies of the above-grounders. He and his monsters protect them from the citizens of Imperial Subterranea! Although that seems to be over now that Lana and Clark got involved. The battle caused some kind of seal to be broken and now the Queen of Imperial Subterranea is ready to take back the Above-Grounders!

Action Comics #27 Rating: -1 Ranking. I liked the first half with Baka the Dragon Boy but the second half is reminding me way too much of Scott Lobdell's Sunturians! Another fucking Imperial civilization that seems to have once ruled Earth and is ready to take it back? I think I might be tired of this story. Again! Dammit, Judd Winick. Now I owe you another quarter.

Cyborg Superman #1

Who has been working on making 3D technology better? They should have been working on curing cancer.

The depth of field on some of these 3D covers is pretty spectacular. Especially considering how far 3D technology has come. Before it used to make you feel like you were having an icepick jabbed into the base of your brain. Now I just feel slightly buzzed.

Cyborg Superman actually has nothing to do with Action Comics, thank the ever-loving, Scott Lobdell-despising stars. Yes, it's true. The firmament hates Scott Lobdell. Look, I don't make up truths. Truths just exist with or without my intervention. I can pass truths along as I discover them. But I don't make them up. Any school kid could tell you if I made up a truth it would be a lie. Duh!

For those of you not reading Supergirl, Cyborg Superman came out of the pages of her comic book. Here's a gigantic spoiler right up front: Cyborg Superman is her father. And it might have been a truly tearful and uplifting reunion if Cyborg Superman hadn't needed to disintegrate Supergirl in order to use her flesh to create his flesh and bring back his memories. Of course once his memories were restored and he realized Supergirl was his daughter, he had a little bit of an "Oh shit" moment.

The issue begins nine months after Krypton's destruction on the ruined city of Argo. Argo was Jor-el's brother Zor-el's attempt at saving some people on Krypton. While Jor-el thought everybody could retreat into The Phantom Zone (even though it was filled with super maniacs), Zor-el thought perhaps a force-field around a city might be a better shot at survival. And it was! Although it was also merely a temporary solution and in the end, Zor-el, like his brother, had to jettison his child into space and towards Earth. Now Brainiac has found Argo and is investigating.

Fuck you! Lesser brother, my ass. He saved an entire city! Kind of. For a few months. But all Jor-el saved was one lousy baby!

Brainiac takes Zor-el and outfits him with Cyborg body parts but the process causes him to lose some memory and that's the end! Unless it's different since I'm just guessing at that part because most of Cyborg Superman's origin was already given away in Supergirl. But how and why Zor-el went the Argo route over the launch his teenage daughter into deep space route hasn't been told. Which is why they're telling it here!

I was worried that I would absolutely despise any scene on Krypton. But now I know I've only hated Krypton so far because Scott Lobdell was writing it. Oh, and whoever had to take over his shitty ass World of Krypton story. I don't blame that person so I'm not going to bother looking up who it was.

I have to remember to stop asking the Non-Certified Spouse a question as I'm headed to the bathroom. Because in her mind, we're beginning a conversation while in my mind I'm thinking, "HOLY FUCK I'M GOING TO SHIT MYSELF WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" So I miss most of whatever is being said anyway as I slowly edge my way out of the room and toward the bathroom. I suppose I should preface quick questions like that with, "My bowels are about to express themselves really violently so please keep your answer to this question very short."

I know what you're thinking: stop asking questions when you need to use the water closet. I don't know why you insist on calling it a water closet though. That's a bit weird and outdated. Anyway, it's not like I always ask a question on my way out of or through the room. But just the sign of life in me sometimes causes her to begin a conversation, especially because she probably hadn't seen me for sixteen hours because I had to work all night and then I went to bed before she got up and then I disappeared into my office to read comic books and then when I finally need to rush to the bathroom, that's when we run into each other!

Of course I do it to, it being the starting the conversation thing as the other person leaves the room. I imagine it's a human trait. You see somebody leaving and you instantly begin thinking of questions you need answered just in case they fall down the stairs and break their necks when they're suddenly out of your sight.

Back to Cyborg Superman, I noticed in the credits that "the Cyborg was created by Dan Jurgens." That harkens back to the Death of Superman days. I don't remember what that Cyborg Superman was like. Was he Zor-el back then too? Because if not, it seems odd that you have to credit somebody just because both of your characters are cyborgs and Superman! But if they're both cyborgs and Superman and Zor-el, then I think the created by tag is justified.

In other words, turn him into a gigantic asshole.

As Brainiac tears Zor-el apart and fits him with mechanical pieces, he says something I really love: "What need does a man truly have of an origin abused by cowards and lovers?" I figured he was talking about taking away his painful memories of his brother being a superior dickface. But then I reread it while looking at the picture and he says "organ" and not "origin" and he's talking about Zor-el's heart. Bah! How can a sentence go from profound subtlety to overused cliche from one misread word?! And why would Brainiac use the human metaphor of the heart anyway? Maybe he's just immersed himself in human culture and his brain is currently steeping in Shakespeare.

Hey! Did you notice I didn't make a "we can rebuild him" reference?! Fuck.

The smartest being in the Universe and he can't even pronounce "Kyrpton" correctly."

Brainiac gives Cyborg Superman a super in-depth physical with lots of results which Brainiac describes as "super" before sending Cyborg Superman out into the universe to help with his gardening.

I knew he'd been boning Shakespeare!

I may have forgotten a preposition or two in that previous caption! And by "forgotten," I actually mean "purposefully left out."

Now I'm going to have people Googling Brainiac's words to figure out which play he is quoting from. If he is quoting from a play, I don't know which one! I'm just pointing out that he's been overly metaphoric and dramatic with his stupid soliloquies. And technically, yes, it is considered a soliloquy when you're giving commands to a Robot-man. It's still a soliloquy when I'm at home and I say, "Toast has never taken so long! In all the history of all the histories of all the universes, no love, betrayal nor conquest, no rise and fall of any civilization, not one of these things, if they were to be revealed upon us as a vibrant tapestry reveals all history at one glance, none would strike me with greater pathos than the unending ennui which falls upon one's soul while waiting for the bread to toast. Toast, you Goddamned Cursèd Toaster! TOAST!" And then the Non-Certified Spouse yells from the other room, "Did you say something?" And then the toast would pop and I'd mumble, "Never mind."

"Allura! Why must you insist on leaving you Kryptonian dildos all over my workstation? What if our daughter were to get her hands on one of these? You know their over-use can lead to antisocial behaviour and a tendency to punch people in the face upon a first meeting."

Cyborg Superman begins touring the universe searching for perfect specimens to take back to Brainiac so he can make them perfecter. Brainiac isn't simply a perfectionist. He's a perfecterestionest. Because he's always got to the best at everything. This makes life difficult because he often wants to be the best at pronouncing words but then he also needs to be the best at mispronouncing words. It's a struggle but he still manages to juggle it all.

The Insect Lobby has really done a piss poor job getting people to stop attributing all negative characteristics to insects.

Cyborg Superman (it just gets dumber and dumber each time I type that) decides that the lower classes of people living on the ground like stupid ground walking insects aren't worth his time. So he goes to check on the rich classes living in the sky like drunken butterflies filled with stupidity and other insect traits. He singles out one of them to challenge and gives this one a choice: die or your friends die.

Let me tell you something, Cyborg Superman! That's not really a choice at all! Who needs friends? Totally overrated. Insects have friends and look where that gets them? Loving each other like moths! Bonding like aphids! Ugh. Such despicable behaviour.

Although really, it does make sense that Cyborg Superman hates insect-like traits but loves non-insect-like traits! Because the alien Cyborg Superman challenges chooses his own life over the life of his friends. And I'm fairly certain that no insect would ever sacrifice the colony for his own individuality. Except that one asshole in that movie about the ant from Manhattan. That ant was a traitor to his race. Don't buy into the propaganda simply because he winds up being the hero! Total bullshit. That ant colony was fucked listening to that free will spouting bitch.

I don't know what it is but I'm really beginning to warm up to this Cyborg Superman!

So putting some of the early New 52 Supergirl history together, will the candidates for perfection that Cyborg Superman finds be the Worldkillers? Am I the only one this late to that thought? Fucking stupid slow information processing organ! I wish I had a Brainiac to make me perfecterest!

Cyborg Superman seeks someone that will do anything to survive. But they can't beg to survive. And he doesn't want anybody willing to sacrifice themselves because that's just stupid. Who cares if the world is better after you've sacrificed yourself since you won't be there to enjoy the betterment of it?! What are we all supposed to be? Saints? Bah! I'd rather eat more candy.

I wonder if eating lots of candy would make me a candidate for perfection. I'd be willing to eat loads of cookies to ensure my own survival. And if the only way to prove you want to live is masturbation, I'd be a candidate in no time! Literally no time because I can orgasm immediately! As a teenager, you don't realize you're screwing up the sex life of your first few future relationships when you learn to masturbate quickly because the only VCR is in the living room and you never know when your mom is going to be coming back home! Luckily she drove a loud Camaro that you could hear from two blocks away. But then when you finally do convince another person to touch your genitals, you tend to blow whenever you hear a car approaching.

Loud car. "Oh shit it's my mom!" Orgasm. Partner stares at you in shock and disgust. Relationship over.

Back to the past just moments before Krypton is destroyed, it is revealed that Zor-el took his brother's advice and shot Kara off toward Earth (the instructions for how to do this Jor-el left to him on a Kryptonian Sundildo). Okay, so we already knew this and how he tricked his wife and all that other stuff. But none of those scenes ever made me put the comic book down and say, "Oh fuck. Ow ow ow ow. Holy shitballs."

This scene is simply brilliant.

I don't mean this in a judging Allura way at all because Zor-el has been a right prick to her during all of this end of the world stuff but seriously: cold hearted fucking bitch. That's pretty much the best thing she can say at the moment to return all the hurt and aggravation and lying and bullshit her husband has handed to her the last few weeks. Critical fucking hit. Just awesome. It would be especially heartbreaking if these were their last words to each other but since Argo is saved for awhile, Allura will have plenty more time to tell Zor-el how much of a spectacular failure he is.

And Cyborg Superman destroys nearly everybody on the planet he's visiting without finding any flowers for Brainiac's garden.

I don't understand why Cyborg Superman has a comic for "Villains" Month!

Cyborg Superman #1 Rating: A flower amongst the weeds in the garden of The New 52. Michael Alan Nelson has really been impressing me on his Supergirl stories. This was the best Villains Month book I've read so far! Although I've only read two and the other one was Ann Nocenti's The Creeper. So. You know.