Loser Army #6

This must be a Masters of the Universe crossover. Skeletor and Hordak team-up to force the Green Lanterns to disco for eternity.

I recently read some good news that this comic book has been cancelled! Is this the last issue? I hope this is the last issue. Please let this be the last issue!

This issue does not begin in a military flashback. It's possible the military flashback will come a few pages later. If not, how am I going to understand the theme? I need to know what choices John Stewart made in his past that caused him to be such a great leader! Of course all of his past choices were correct because he was in the United States Marines and those guys are all heroes doing heroic things and saving my freedom! Without them, I couldn't point out how they're not paying the cost of my freedom at all! Which actually means I can say that with or without them since a democracy's freedom isn't maintained by the military. Especially the freedom of a country that is as geographically isolated as the United States of America. If they were really fighting to keep me free, they'd just be battling Mexicans and Canadians. And if that were the case, I still wouldn't claim they were keeping me free because I'm fairly certain I could stand my ground against a bunch of Canadians and Mexicans. Okay, maybe not Mexicans. They work better together as a team and can fit way more soldiers in a car than we can.

This issue does begin with John Stewart continuing to believe that Relic's universe really did have a Peak Emotion problem which was causing the universe to die. During the speech, Simon Baz finally gets to make his first appearance since I don't know when. One of the final issues of Red Lanterns?

Pshaw! All universes are fated to die! Stop trying to manufacture drama!

I probably shouldn't ask a writer to stop manufacturing drama since that's like the writer's number one job! Sometimes they're supposed to manufacture comedy as well but that usually just comes across as manufacturing a waste of the reader's time.

John Stewart and his team have arrived on Mogo where the rest of the Green Lantern Corps are busy trying to protect the central battery from Light Pirates of every color. It's almost as if I've read this story before!

That's a lie. I've never read any of the Green Lantern Rainbow Wars stories by Geoff Johns because I just never read it and not because I had some philosophical reason for hating the idea that emotions ruled the universe even though every time any alien deals with Earthlings, they always comment on how the strength of the human race lies in their stupid fucking emotions. I guess the entire universe runs on emotions and all of the alien races are lying jerks who try to hide their constant streams of tears. Although if this whole Peak Emotion thing is actually true and using up too many emotions will eventually bring the universe to a premature end, then I absolutely understand why all the aliens everywhere would hate us. Maybe if we used logic for logic's sake, we could advance to the level of a Type 1 Civilization! Instead we mostly use logic to justify what we've already decided due to our emotional investment in something. We're just a bunch of space babies.

Simon Baz says to John Stewart, "It's about time you showed up." I hate everybody in Cullen Bunn's comic book. No effort is ever good enough for anybody. B'dg saves the day by bringing some rings and John says, "I was hoping for more rings!" B'dg saves Arisia's ass and she says, "Want to impress me? Get more rings!" And now John Stewart arrives to reinforce the Lanterns on Mogo and Baz is all, "Took your time, asshole!" I remember how Simon Baz as the thoughtful and caring Lantern who tried to get everybody to stop calling B'dg a squirrel and respectfully call him a Lantern like he deserves. But I guess now he's just a gun-wielding jerk trying pee further than everybody else.

John has already decided that everybody in the battle is a loser because the name of this comic book is Loser Army. It doesn't matter who wins because they're all using up so much energy that the universe is just rapidly being depleted of emotion. If only the Lanterns could find some kind of hope in this battle!

Why is an alien whose whole being based around math speaking in binary?! Binary is not math! It's not even really a language! It's, like, a way of counting! I hope whoever writes 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 next does a better job of it! Although she looks much cuter in blue.

The Emotional Pyramids change the emotional spectrum of anybody who comes in contact with one. It's not that big a deal until the pyramids all decide to land on Mogo at the same time. I don't think Mogo is strong enough to become a White Lantern!

Mogo doesn't become a White Lantern but he is able to control the entire emotional spectrum and drive away the Light Pirates. The Green Lanterns have won which gives John Stewart a chance to have the flashback he forgot to begin the issue with!

Thanking people in uniform has become more of an obligation which must be seen to lest you look like a right fucking bastard.

Hopefully John got a hotel room because he can't face anybody he knows right now since being in the military is a whole fucking lot more complicated than "I'm joining to protect freedom and be a hero!" I wouldn't be surprised if a huge aspect of PTSD was the conflict between what's in a returning veteran's head about what they've done and why they've done it and the way everybody views them as untarnished heroes protecting the American way of life.

With the Battle for Mogo at an end, Salaak turns his attention to discovering a way out of the universe. And now that nobody is attacking them and Mogo has super Kyle Rayner powers, Salaak easily locates a rift back to their universe in the Source Wall. But it's closed from the other side by Hal Jordan just as they prepare to enter it. Well shucks! Now they're going to have to stick around in a universe that matters less than the Earth-2 universe.

Finally, Krona decides to work with Relic to try and save Relic's universe. I guess if that happens, the DC Youniverse is kind of screwed, right? But none of that matters until January because Loser Army #6 is the final issue of this craptastrophe.

Lost Army #6 Rating: No change. Six issues later and I have no idea why this comic book was published. Did Relic's Light Pirate Universe need to be fleshed out and explored? Have the Green Lantern Corps expended all of the cosmic catastrophes possible within their own universe so they had to be sent to an earlier universe where they basically fought another rainbow war? Was the entire pitch of this book simply "The Green Lanterns find themselves in a strange place without explanation. The big surprise? They're in Relic's universe!" The response to this pitch should have been "So what's the story? Why does the story need to be told?" instead of the response I assume was given which was "*PANTS CRAPPED IN*". Ultimately, I would guess it's an attempt to fix the different color Lantern Corps so that they're not constantly battling. If all the different colors were composed of members of the original Green Lantern Corps then they would all work together. But if they ever return to their usual universe, they'll still have to deal with the other Lanterns because Twat Lobo failed to kill them all like a big failure. Maybe The Code told him to fail?

Lost Army #3

"One...chance...left. Must...fart...straight up...Kilowog's nose!"

The L'army of G'lanterns recently discovered they've been transported to the universe that existed before the current DC Youniverse. I don't mean they're in the Reboot Universe or the Preboot Universe or the Pre-Zero Hour Universe or the Pre-Crisis Universe or the Pre-Flash-fucked-some-shit-up-again universe. No, I'm talking about the DC Youniverse that existed before the current DC Youniverse. Look, I'm not fucking Carl Sagan. I don't know how to explain this shit in that special way which keeps a person interested even though they're wondering why I'm spending so much time talking about the ancient Romans instead of physics and astronomy. See, the DC Youniverse began with a Big Bang. This was represented by Krona jerking off and flinging his semen across the universe and yelling "Thwip!" at the top of his lungs. But before he jerked it and came on Adam-One's face as he also seeded the current DC Youniverse, another universe had just ended. That's the universe the L'army of G'lanterns have found themselves in now! And yes, I'm going to keep referring to them in that shortened, glottal stop way! It's fucking cool.

Now Stewart and his companions have run into Relic because why not? It's not like it's improbable that they would run into this specific being in a theoretically infinite universe! And even if it was improbable (which it totally isn't, things being what things actually aren't), who wants to read twelve issues of the Lost Army as the Green Lanterns search for some clue to what happened to them. I decided not to continue using the shortened forms of Lost Army and Green Lanterns. An eleven year old informed me it wasn't as cool as I thought it was.

Relic is at a point in his life where he has yet to make up his ridiculous, completely-lacking-in-evidence theory about how using the energy of the emotional spectrum depletes the energy of the universe. So instead of battling the Lost Lanterns, he invites them into his ship for tea.

"Peeing in the time stream" is good enough, Guy. You didn't have to add "pool." Because why would a stream need a pool?!

It's about this time that John Stewart is due for a flashback to when he was a marine, so he has a flashback to when he was a marine. Everybody pay close attention to this part because it will develop the theme of this issue! Of course the message will be distorted through the lens of patriotism and how people, especially professional writers of popular entertainment, aren't allowed to criticize soldiers or the military in any way at all. The military is full of heroes who signed on to keep other Americans free and not at all nearly entirely composed of lost souls who didn't know how to live their lives on their own terms, as certain America-hating pacifists might want you to think. There's definitely no reason why the military spends so much more time recruiting at community colleges than four year universities.

Some people who might actually be using community colleges for their intended purposes might try to be offended by that last comment. But that's because everybody views the world through their own perspective and judges things by what they know. Obviously somebody going to community college with plans to transfer to a four year school would want to defend community colleges. I have no problem with them. But even if you're using them planning on transferring (or just only ever planned on getting an Associates Degree), you have to realize that many people only attend community college so that they can continue to live rent free in their parents' house after high school because they don't really know what they're going to do next. A lot of people in your classes at community college don't actually give a fuck about any of the learning going on around them. That's why they're the perfect place to recruit for the military! Recruiters are hunting lost kids who want some kind of direction after high school. It's like recruiting fish in a barrel!

John's flashback is about trusting your enemies or something. It's meant to show that he has experience with working with his enemies to get the job done and that's why the reader can now trust him to work safely with Relic and Krona.

Relic explains his nutty theory so I guess he already believes in the finite nature of the emotional spectrum. He was busy looking for a reservoir of light when he ran into the Lost Army.

Well fuck, John. That's why Relic never needed actual proof! You gave him confirmation of his theory when you lied to him!

Guy Gardner gets pissed at John for lying to Relic. But he gets pissed for all the wrong reasons! I think. I don't even really understand what his reasons are. I think he's angry because John lied so easily? Which is a dumb reason to be angry when dealing with a serious threat like Relic. Maybe Guy is really just mad because John has taken over the role of leader and Guy wants to be leader. Mostly though, I think Guy is angry at John because conflict builds character! And the story would be boring if all of the heroes agreed with each other and weren't constantly about to get into a brawl with each other.

Guy thinks by being honest with Relic, he can help save Relic's universe. That doesn't seem like the kind of thing a character should say after they were so concerned about their piss in the time stream's pool. If he helps save this universe, he dooms the universe they came from! At the very least, he changes it substantially by allowing this universe to exist longer in the space where Guy's universe is waiting to be born out of Krona's self-pleasure.

It's too bad Guy went on this rant about helping Relic because I liked the idea that Relic's theory was wrong but he now truly believed it because John said he was from the future and that the theory was true. But with Guy arguing to help save Relic's universe, it seems Relic's theory is as true in Cullen Bunn's recreation of this story as everybody believes it was during the Relic War in The New 52 Universe.

The Light Pirates attack so the Green Lanterns have to expend more energy to keep Relic's ship safe. I would put another flashback in here so John can think about how the military used up all of the Afghan resources in trying to "save" the Afghans before leaving them to deal with the consequences when the soldiers were finally able to go home.

During the battle, one of the Light Pirates drains Arisia's ring so that she winds up unprotected in space. That's where the issue ends though, so she still might survive. Or DC Comics can just get rid of her so nobody has to be reminded of Hal's time as a pedophile.

Lost Army #3 Rating: No change. I'm not a huge fan of comic books which tell the complete story of something that was mentioned or used as backstory in a previous comic book. I was just fine knowing about Relic's universe and the Lightsmiths and the Dimming and his being laughed at by all of the real scientists because he didn't know how to actually science very well. I did not need any details filled in. The only way I will be happy with how this series ends is if the Green Lanterns wind up being responsible for the death of Relic's universe through their arrogance and belief that their universe matters more than Relic's universe. I also have a problem with this cover because John Stewart was never the last Lantern standing nor did he ever fart in Kilowog's face. That means that Cullen Bunn's story changed since he submitted the solicit for it. Hopefully that means this series has already been cancelled and Cullen Bunn is improvising an ending so it wraps up coherently! Better that this series ends before I wind up hating 2-6-8-1-7-9-5.

Lost Army #2

I find I waste a lot of time on the internet when I have a Cullen Bunn comic book ready to go.

This issue begins with a flashback to John Stewart invading a foreign nation as a Marine. When did John's military history become all there was to him? I get the feeling Cullen Bunn isn't actually interested in writing stories about John Stewart. He just wants to frame each story from the point of view of a military veteran. Last issue was all about making an excuse for solving problems with violence. It didn't really make a lot of sense because Stewart's story about how aggression saved his life was actually a story about Stewart killing people trying to kill him for invading their homeland. It kind of makes the opposite point about aggression that Stewart was trying to make since the aggressors who had a right to be aggressive against the intruders were actually killed by the intruder. But I guess if you're an American, the story is a brilliant portrayal of a national hero!

Pshaw! You know who the real hero is here? I've said it before and I'll say it again until everybody agrees with me: the true hero is me! Because I'm the one reading all of Cullen Bunn's awful DC Superhero work!

John's memory is about an abandoned town that didn't want to risk the aggressiveness of the marines moving through it so they left everything they knew so they could survive. The reason he has this memory is so that he can reply to Arisia's statement about the Rage Pyarmid being abandoned with the revelation that the pyramid seems more like a kill zone. And he says it just in time to be attacked by the Real Rage Lanterns! Hopefully that extra second due to his insight will allow the Lanterns to survive the ambush.

Sorry! They're not lanterns! They're Light Pirates!

The Light Pirates create crystalline constructs with their light. For some reason. I mean, what's the difference between a hard light construct and a crystal construct? Is it just that the crystal constructs never dissipate? Does that mean the energy can be recycled later? Maybe the Green Lanterns aren't as green as they thought, eh? Eh? No?

The Light Pirates refer to the Green Lantern's power as "Resolve" while their power comes from "Fury." What is this? Some new Tangent Universe? "Hope" will probably become "Faith." And "Fear" will probably become "Terror." And "Compassion" will probably become "Spooning." And "Greed" will probably become "Trickle Down." And "Love" will probably become "Obsession."

While I was busy making up stupid synonyms for the Lantern's power sources, John Stewart was encased in red crystal. At the expense of his ring's charge, he's able to break out of the crystal. But he still has a 5% charge which is just as good as a 100% charge, just closer to being expended. But I guess at 5% power, Stewart loses the ability to do anything with it or risk losing all the power completely. It's also just an excuse to make him weak and vulnerable.

Which Red Lanterns is Guy talking about?! I think they'd all kick a man when he's down! It's kind of what they do!

After Guy saves John, Guy is all, "Hey! Hey! *snicker* Remember when you called me the Christmas Lantern? Remember that?! You should remember because I have a funny retort that will only make sense if you remember it! Do you?" And John, possibly taking his last breath with his ring's power running out says, "Y-yeah." And Guy says, "Because...hee hee hee...I guess your name made the good list this year. Get it! Like Santa Claus! It's funny, right? I mean, I suppose I could have come up with a better joke and I suppose I didn't have to remind you about the Christmas thing because that's such a lousy set up. Oh man! I should have hit those Red Lanterns with a sleigh pulled by reindeer and yelled, 'Ho ho ho!' Dammit!"

The Lanterns' rings are all around twenty percent charge and they're beginning to freak out that the rings will be spent after this battle. I have to say, the batteries on these rings are pieces of shit. Can somebody hire a Weaponer of Qward to upgrade these things?

Guy and John hit up the Rage Pyramid to charge their rings. As the pyramid changes from red to green, the Light Pirates freak out and rush off to tell the Overseers. Meanwhile, John and Guy's rings charge to 200%. But who the fuck cares? They'll still begin to run out of charge whenever a battle needs false tension and bullshit drama. The Lanterns all charge their rings and then fly away to find more Lanterns and find their way home. Nobody gives a shit about looking into a power source that burns cleaner and more powerfully than the shitty juice the Guardians of Oa have been selling them all this time? Krona mentions wanting to stick around to investigate if only they had more time but I guess they don't have more time because the Light Pirates may return with reinforcements. Although they bested them with rings at only 20% so why not stick around to fight them with rings powered at 200%?! Cowards.

As the Lanterns continue to fly aimlessly through space searching for a Lantern in an immeasurably vast and infinite haystack, they run into Relic. Not the Relic they defeated but the Relic from his own universe. So the Lanterns have been transported to the universe that existed before the universe they're from. I wonder how John's military service will help him deal with this revelation.

Lost Army #2 Rating: No change. Since this is the universe before the universe that Krona is from, does that mean that the hand that Krona saw forming his universe will wind up being his own hand?! Mind blown!

Lost Army #1

Didn't this book already fail when it was called Legion Lost?

I'm still not over the way 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 was portrayed in the Sneak Peek. Cullen Bunn had her cursing or speaking or whatever in binary. There's absolutely no reason why she would be speaking in fucking binary. She (and possibly her entire race) is a math genius. People who are good at math do not speak in binary. And even if...EVEN IF...she did speak in binary, the binary she was speaking in the Sneak Peek was gibberish! Cullen Bunn doesn't understand my girl 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and he's going to ruin her. And apparently I'm going to pay to watch her defiled by this monster. So who's the real monster here?!

During the Sneak Peek, it was established that John Stewart, Arisia Rrab, Xrill-Vrek, Kilowog, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (or, more properly (apparently!) 00110010-00110110-00111000-00110001-00110111-00111001-00110101) have mysteriously found themselves in a mystery place. They found Krona because his corpse was stolen from Atrocitus and apparently resurrected and stuck in this strange world. They were beset by creatures that devour foreign matter. This issue begins with the group battling these strange creatures.

These things want to kill you because you are foreign invaders. That means they're the immune system of whatever creature you've been shrunken down and injected into. Mystery solved!

I just cleared it up Kilowog! Granted, you still don't know whose body you're inside of (probably Hal Jordan's which is why Krona is here because he's linked somehow to Krona's Gauntlet) or how you were shrunk down and by who or why you don't remember any of it. I guess those will be the mysteries you'll need to solve. But don't think you'll solve them in this first issue! It'll probably take at least six issues before the revelation that you're inside some other creature!

John Stewart begins flashing back to when he was in the military because he can't stop Narration Boxing about aggression and how he uses it as a tool to solve problems. He points out that it's not a popular concept because it's an idiotic concept, asshole. Sure, aggression is a way to solve the problem of having been sent to force a foreign people in their own land to submit to your philosophies, especially when they--not surprisingly--aggressively try to get you the hell out of their homelands. Kind of weird how that works, right, John?

I've never disliked John Stewart until this comic book. Thanks, Mr. Bunn!

What you were born to do was invade another species' home and then murder them all when they try to defend their territory?

Krona decides to give a four panel speech about his past which begins with "I am a scientist" and ends with "I have my own [faith]." Fuckity fuck fuck somebody fucking please choke me to death right this fucking minute.

Lantern's crew find some other Lanterns encased in red crystal. They're dead because, as is usual in the Lanternverse, the enemy they're facing is pretty much immune to green lantern light. I seriously wish the yellow flaw never went away because even if it was an incredibly stupid way to give the Lanterns an occasional hard time, at least it was something established. Now the "yellow flaw" is just lazy writers forcing the Lanterns to battle enemies who just happen to somehow be immune to the light. It's a constant. The most powerful weapon in the universe is never very fucking powerful. Also, the rings run out of charge at every convenient moment. When they used to retain a charge for 24 hours, writers were constantly coming up with excuses for how the ring was just charged nearly 24 hours before a big fight and now the ring is failing! Now the rings just fail because too much stress is put on them and the charge drops down to zero in just a few panels. The Green Lanterns are possibly the worst outfitted heroes in the universe for the job they do.

Krona suggests giving him a ring from one of the dead Lanterns and he'll use his Science Suit to track the energy back to the Willpower Source. I think Willpower resides in the chin so they'll have to make their way to Hal Jordan's chin now.

The crew is suddenly attacked by more popcorn shrimp when flashes of green and red light shoot around them, killing the attackers and saving the day.

Well why not. Let Cullen Bunn ruin Guy Gardner as well.

I guess Guy isn't ready to be truly hopeful because he's stuck with the red and green rings still.

The crew continues to follow Krona's lead right into a huge pyramid of red spectrum energy. And John Stewart is all, "Aggression, man, aggression! It wins wars! And this thing is aggressive! We're in trouble and that rhymes with bubble and that stands for pool!" I bet next issue one of the other characters thinks about a different spectrum energy and changes the whole theme and then they find the source of that energy as well!

Lost Army #1 Rating: Somebody needs to hire Gerhard to work on this comic book because it desperately needs some background art. It's like the Lost Lanterns are just flying in front of a cosmic screensaver and it's set to the factory default boring ass generic various colors bullshit. At least the characters all look good, so kudos to Jesus Saiz. As for the story? It needs a lot of work to keep me interested.

Swamp Thing #40

The Swamp Thing to Alec Holland's right is Uncircumcised Swamp Thing. To his left, 90s Swamp Thing replete with dozens of chest pouches.

Good bye, Charles Soule's Swamp Thing! I will say my goodbyes by being completely bitter, hurt, and mean-spirited in today's commentary! Fuck you for leaving me, you asshole.

The issue begins with Alec Holland putting the past Avatars back in their places. The little snots still think they know better than Alec Holland even after being on time out for several months. And even if they do know better, just shut up! Nobody wants to be told that they're doing something wrong by a bunch of old failures. Let's say, hypothetically, that their experiences and the wisdom gained from those failures could help Alec to be successful against Anton Arcane. Do you still think the young upstart Alec Holland would still listen to him? Of course not! People often bring up that stupid saying about how nothing is certain except death and taxes. Fools. A lot of things are certain! Like you can be certain that youth will resent and ignore advice from experience and then proudly walk off of a cliff because they just had to learn it for themselves. Fine, maybe the lesson sticks better when you experience the failure yourself but wouldn't it have been nice not to have actually walked off of that cliff?

"And shut your fucking mouths because we're doing this my way even if that way is the same exact fucking way that got all of you killed! Fucking old pricks! It's my turn!"

What are Swamp Thing's teeth made out of? They can't be Alec's real teeth since Baby Alec still had his teeth which he used to eat Swamp Thing last issue.

Swamp Thing raises a volunteer army which will head up to the arctic to lay siege to The Machine's demesnes. The first volunteer is Jason Woodrue, The Seeder (previously known as The Floronic Man because comic books used to be stupid). Swamp Thing accepts him hoping that others will follow his lead but we all know (that includes Alec himself) that The Seeder is just using this as a chance to escape into the real world and become a future Swamp Thing supervillain.

At least ten ex-avatars (including The Seeder, mentioned so previously that I'd be amazed if you'd forgotten) join with Swamp Thing to risk their lives by leaving the Green. They meet Baby Alec Holland at the exit to the portal from the Green who tells them the big fight will take place in the Gobi Desert. She must want to battle there because plant heroes generally don't do very well in that climate. Just look at how Ranger Ruben tried to camouflage the Galactic Hero Corps from an ambush composed of all of their supervillains but he accidentally disguised them as Pacific Redwoods and nearly the entire team was killed. But from the ashes of that disaster, Grunion Guy was given a chance to save the world and writer novels! Mostly write novels! Unless the definition of novel does not extend to stories scribbled onto the back of an envelope.

Throughout the battle, a narration is taking place by Charles Soule or some other outside source. It's speaking directly of stories and the difficulty of ending them.

Some endings aren't as difficult as others.

I covered this whole difficulty of ending a story thing in Chapter 26 of my, so far, unfinished Goggles Novella. Proof that endings are difficult: I still have nine chapters left of the Goggles Novella. I know how it's going to play out, and eventually end, but I just need more uninterrupted free time so I can concentrate on getting it right. Not that most of the people reading this blog care since it has never really been about the comics and was just a story I decided to write during September because September has become DC Comics' throwaway month. Just as the year before I inserted a minor story into Villains Month where I was taken over by an alien entity for many of my commentaries. But I need to finish Goggles' story before the end of the year. I highly recommend it but then I wrote it for myself. I suppose if it doesn't have ties to any fandom, the number of people on Tumblr interested in it probably nears zero.

Swamp Things flees from the battle in the Gobi Desert to give the avatars that remained behind time to heal the Green. Of course as he flies away, he winds up crashing into a library in Philadelphia. That's practically right next to the Gobi, right? It's at this point that Swamp Thing decides to enter a book because its made from dead plants! Also, the library is like the anti-machine! He's going to defeat The Machine Kingdom with outdated modes of archiving!

By outdated, I don't mean that there's no need for them! Libraries and printed material should never be seen as obsolete. We should always be using a number of back-up methods to store knowledge or we're just asking to lose it. If only there had been a group of people memorizing the works held at the Library of Alexandria, we'd have saved the knowledge lost when the place burned. At least with books, the only device needed to access the data is a working pair of eyes. And just fingers if they're in Braille! When the massive solar flare hits and burns out all of electronics, we're going to lose a lot of shit that's currently just stored in servers or in the cloud. Luckily, most of it is useless, time wasting garbage.

Once in the book, Alec finds himself in a new kingdom. I guess it's the Kingdom of Art. Or Kingdom o' Fart as all the other kingdoms refer to it.

How about gifting him more issues, you jerk?

Swamp Thing returns to the battle where the tide turns in The Green's favor. The Seeder kills the avatar of fungus but dies as well. Etrigan joins the battle with an army of demons because he doesn't have anything better to do in the DC Universe at the moment (except defeat Morgaine over in Batwoman although I think that story has already happened since it's been flashback for three or four months). Anton Arcane flees because stories in comic books never actually end no matter what the Avatar of the Arts says. He'll be back because he's always back because comic books just keep going and going and going. And then all that remains on the battlefield are two lone warriors: Alec Holland and Lady Weeds. I mean, I guess Gaurov is there somewhere as well but he's not important anymore.

Swamp Thing defeats Lady Weeds easily and then hires the Justice League Cleaning Company to dismantle Rithm Headquarters in the Arctic. Superman is happy to see them go because property values were really plummeting since they moved into the neighborhood.

I hope A Calculus's personality survived.

Alec's story ends in the swamp hanging out with Abby and Gaurev while reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's 100 Years of Solitude. I wish I could remember anything about the book which I read about twenty years ago! I bet the themes interweave with Swamp Thing's themes! Then Swamp Thing looks at you and the comic book is over.

The thing I missed most during Charles Soule's run of Swamp Thing was the horror. Perhaps he was telling a horror story of a kind but it wasn't one that spoke to my fears. But that's the only complaint I have about his run on this title. I loved this character. Soule's Swamp Thing was likable and kind and thoughtful. The final page I scanned speaks to the generosity, confidence, and wisdom of Alec Holland at the end of his journey. He chooses not only to not destroy the Machine Kingdom but to give it autonomy and free will. He allows it to make its own decisions but knowing that there will be consequences if the Machines decide to act like Anton Arcane again. He's encouraging the Machine Kingdom to grow and to learn instead of forcing it in some kind of captivity or limbo where it would only learn hatred and bitterness. It's not often you see a character mature this much. He's gone from being a rock star to the plants to being a nurturing, peaceful caregiver. And hopefully Abby lost enough of her rot power that they can still fuck from time to time.

Swamp Thing #40 Rating: +3 Ranking. I don't know what the future will bring for Swamp Thing but for now, I'm content with his story. It was as satisfying as a San Diego Comicon selfie with a non-digital camera.

Me, Supergirl, and Upright

Swamp Thing #39

Is it weird that life and death want to fuck each other?

Is it weird that I think it's weird that life and death want to fuck each other? Maybe there's something wrong with me! I'd better consult Sex-O-Scope to determine what kinds of hang-ups I have about sex!

Oh boy! My turn-ons accurate to a tenth of a degree!

This Sex-O-Scope was programmed years before the internet but it's asking me questions that I can only answer by using the internet! I suppose I could have had some kind of almanac nearby back in the early eighties to tell me what number time zone the Pacific Time Zone is! Or the Latitude and Longitude of the city where I was born! But who the fuck knows those kinds of things off-hand? I suppose people who are into their aspects and which planets are rising in what zodiac! It probably doesn't matter anyway since it asks me to enter three different numbers for both latitude and longitude. I just split them up two numbers at a time. I hope that was right! I don't want to learn that my turn-ons are monkey butts and licorice ropes!

Okay! Now I've given it all the information it needs which seems like it's lacking something. How is it supposed to know my turn-ons and hang-ups with just my name, birth date, time zone, and birth location?! Oh well. Tell me what I want to fuck, Sex-O-Scope!

I'm so excited!

And the initial results:

I don't understand any of this! What does this have to do with orgasms?!

I hope some cuckoo astrology person can interpret this for me! Hopefully the next readout will have something more useful.

Nope! Just more incomprehensible gibberish!

The following readout is a list of planetary aspects that reads like truly terrible Sailor Moon pornographic fanfic.

"Venus is trine Mars"? Everybody sextiling? I think I have a boner?

After a few pages of more boring porn (which I successfully masturbated too though!), I finally reach a page that tells me things I want to learn about myself!

Hey ladies! Apparently I won't take no for an answer! Unless I won't say yes! Wait. What does that mean?

Why is this thing telling me to not get involved lightly with myself?! Hey! Is this thing to test out potential mates and not for insight into one's own sexual depravities?

If this program is to check compatibility with potential mates, how the fuck are you supposed to get all of that latitude and longitude information out of them?! Did people in the seventies used to run around with all of that information so they could compare astrological signs and ascending planets? Was "Hey baby, what's your sign?" often followed up with "And the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates of your place of birth?"

Anyway, according to the Sex-O-Scope, I don't know very many sexual positions. It's true! I only know Reverse Cowbell, Sloppy Dishwashing, and Tangled in Seaweed. Oh wait! There's more exciting information with my sun in Libra!

I'm too good at ménage à troising! I didn't know you could be too good at that! I guess I'm too eager to stick it into any hole I see in the tangle of limbs and eager orifices!

Okay, Sex-O-Scope, now you're getting too cerebral for me.

Apparently I'm also "expansive" and "all-embracing." I didn't realize I was bisexual until now! I'm also "mellow and warm inside." Isn't everybody? But I'm also "over or underwhelming, runs to extremes in quantity, sexual direction. Must learn what is just right amount, stick to it." I wish Sex-O-Scope would tell me the right amount!

I also need "gentle but reassuring prodding to get it on." So I guess when I won't say "yes," you're supposed to keep leaning on me until I give in! That sounds like terrible advice!

Apparently Sex-O-Scope is going to give me a little information on all of the Sailor Scout fuck team-ups listed earlier, so I should probably leave it at that. Especially after Sex-O-Scope begins getting too personal and says I "can't make wishes known, have unrealistic desires, falls into bad scenes without realizing it" and that I'm "helpless!" With the exclamation point! Fuck you, Sex-O-Scope! If you really knew me, you just would have printed the word "MASTURBATER" in big, bold letters!

This Sex-O-Scope thing seems awfully general and generous about the information it's presenting! As if it expects most of the things it's saying to be off the mark but so vague that it doesn't seem like an outright misrepresentation of the person, and then it vomits out so much information that something is bound to sound correct so that the person reading it will say, "Holy shit! I'm totally a friendly, mellow lover, who grows richer with age!" I think this astrology stuff might be bogus!

Why did I waste so much of my time on it!? I don't care that I wasted your time on it. You could have just skipped past all of this bullshit until you saw the first scan of Swamp Thing! Which I'll add now so people not wanting to learn my hang-ups and turn-ons will know where to begin this commentary.

Here! Here is where the actual commentary begins! Stop scrolling!

Last issue, Anton Arcane found himself in the Green and made a desperate plea to The Rot to choose him as their avatar once again. The Rot decided that having Anton Arcane as an avatar has been such a bad idea so many times in their history that maybe this time it's bound to be a good idea! So Anton once again took up the mantle and then he began pissing and shitting all over The Green. Which is why Swamp Thing feels so sick now.

Alec Holland commences tossing his own salad while Lady Weeds watches and offers encouragement. It's even more disturbing because Alec keeps calling her "mama." Swamp Thing just says things like "Please don't put that in your mouth" and "You're using too much teeth."

If only Wolf were around to witness this!

Do I sue Charles Soule over the use of "Plant Man"? That's what my Crayola crayon coloring identity calls Swamp Thing!

A through Omega Calculus have been watching Lady Weeds and they don't like what they see. I mean, they like her butt and her sweet, "I'll cut your dick off while you sleep" smile. But they don't like her recent actions. The way she poisoned the green and had her baby toss Swamp Thing's salad just turn their equations inside out. To them, she's like trying to find the square root of a negative number. And she has to go. The Machine Kingdom simply wanted to organize the kingdoms so that they all ran on time. But Lady Weeds has ruined their plans by poisoning the Green.

Abby returns to find Swamp Thing with his pants around his ankles and his asshole full of saliva. He's also goopy and runny and smelly like a bag of spinach leaves left in the fridge for six weeks. Abby's lost most of her power due to the Parliament of the Rot's terrible decision to give the Avatar job back to Anton. But Swamp Thing has an idea that will fix everything! He knows a guy that always fixes everything!

Hmm. Are you sure that's the guy, Plant Man?

Meanwhile, Lady Weeds makes two plus two equal zero and murders the entire Parliament of Machines. Now when Lady Weeds is killed by Anton Arcane, the dumb machines are going to return to being led by a mouthy toaster.

Constantine helps Swamp Thing get his mojo back so that Swampy can make an assault on The Green. He's got to get it back from Anton and Missus Fungus before he turns into compost. Or mulch. One of those.

Swamp Thing confronts Anton Arcane in the barren wastes of what's left of the Green. But Swamp Thing still has some Green hidden away! It's the jail cell where he trapped the members of the Parliament of Trees and all of the previous avatars. He frees them all and instantly gets chastised by them. "Fucking idiot." "Worst. Avatar. Ever." "Embarrassment to the position!" "Carrot for brains!" Even Anton is shocked at how horrible they treat him.

Swamp Thing #39 Rating: No change. I was really sad to see A Calculus's program stopped by Lady Weeds hitting Control-C. I'm not sure I like her anymore. I didn't mind when she was killing background characters or trying to kill Swamp Thing or finishing off Wolf or getting horrible tattoos all over her silky skin or trying to take over the world. But I have my limits and when she killed cute, adorable little A Calculus, that was too much. I think I could have been good friends with A Calculus. Pros before psychos! "Pros" is short for "programs" here! And "psychos" is short for psychotics!

Swamp Thing #37

Boo! Hiss! I don't think I want to fuck Lady Weeds anymore. Maybe. Hmm, well, okay. But she'd better not make vacuum cleaner noises while I'm failing to bring her to orgasm.

That reminds me! Are we all using the phrase "Curiosity got the teenaged boy's dick stuck in the jacuzzi vent" instead of "Curiosity killed the cat"? I think it's more realistic because cats might be curious but they're so bad-ass that it rarely ever gets them killed. Perhaps "Gluttony killed the cat" would be more apt? Or "Choking on its toy string while it continued to try to play with it killed the cat"? What about "Sleeping under the blanket and getting sat upon killed the cat"? "The asshole neighbor that doesn't understand cats are free roaming members of the community killed the cat"? "Climbing up into the warm engine of your car killed the cat"? "Contracting feline AIDS killed the cat"?

I should probably stop before I make myself cry!

The first six pages of this issue have been reserved for the birth of Mistress 404, Avatar of Machines. I guess Charles Soule had a lot of scripts to write this month so he probably just sent a note to Jesus Saiz to waste five or six pages on coming up with as graphic a birth scene as he could. And now that that's over, maybe we'll get some of that fantastic Charles Soule conflict where one superhero talks the ear off of another superhero and then the other superhero, instead of punching the first superhero for some reason, actually brings up a counter argument to the first superhero's point. It's crazy. There's never been a superhero comic book like it!

Constantine comes looking for Swamp Thing to discuss (Seriously! Discussion!) the rise of the new kingdom and its Avatar. Constantine enjoys his magic so he can't be too happy that technology is rallying behind a leader, and a vicious one at that. Unless she's viscous! One of those. I wonder if Constantine's going to try to involve Buddy Baker as well. Or has everybody stopped calling him because they're tired of him just turning them down because "you know, guys...I got the family and all"?

Lady Weeds first mission is to think up a cool new name. Like Mistress 404?! Shut up! It is too cool!

First mission failed! Seriously? Rithm?! Machine Queen?! I wonder if Mother Machine is going to be pissed about this whole Machine Kingdom business?

Machine Queen, Agent of Rithm's second mission is to take over one of the other kingdoms. She'll probably save Swamp Thing for last, so she's probably going to go after Buddy or the Fungus Leader.

Swamp Thing asks for Constantine's help because Alec Holland has a death wish, I guess? Don't partner up with that schleprock!

Swamp Thing has dingleberries.

The Machine Queen easily convinces the Mistress of the Grey to give over dominion of the fungus in exchange for a new body and the promise to end Alec Holland. I don't think Buddy or Abigail are going to be that easy to convince. Although Maxine probably wants a new computer and an iPod for Christmas, so maybe if Machine Queen can get Buddy a discount?

The Machine Queen's third mission is to recruit Anton Arcane. Christ! Does that fucker have to be involved in every Swamp Thing story arc?!

So that's what killed the cat! Dick.

Anton Arcane is currently a sniveling wretch and of no use to the Rithm as a leader of their armies. But Anton does have one thing that he thinks might help. He's been dragging it in a huge sack all over Philadelphia as he eats stray animals and digs through dumpsters. It's the corpse of Alec Holland.

Swamp Thing #37 Rating: No change. How did Charles Soule waste six pages on the birth of the Machine Queen and still seem to pack in a full comic book worth of story on the subsequent fourteen pages? Is that even possible? Maybe it's because he left out all of the usual superhero battles. Constantine didn't fight Swamp Thing. Lady Machine didn't fight the Mistress of the Grey. Anton Arcane didn't fight anybody except that cat. It was almost a violence free issue! Except for that cat thing. And the birth scene!

Swamp Thing #36

This doesn't look like horror at all! This? This is romance! Bleck!

Abigail hasn't been around for some time because she's not very interesting without her Uncle Anton touching her creepily. Also she's a lousy Avatar of the Rot. You're supposed to be Swamp Thing's antagonist, Abby! Antagonists don't hug! Unless it's a death hug! Swamp Thing does seem to be evaporating wherever he's touching her.

Last issue, A Calculus and their goons had marched into Swamp Thing's backyard and began destroying it. Swamp Thing was busy not destroying the Machine's Headquarters because he's never heard of a little thing called a preemptive strike! That's where you tell as many people as you can that a place that has resources you really want for yourself is the most evil place in the world and that they're going to destroy us all if we don't destroy them first. Then when everybody goes, "Let's see the evidence!", you shout, "No time! No time!" Then you attack the place (or person) as they go, "What the fuck?" Except they probably say "what the fuck" in a different language because it's wrong, for some reason, to attack places that speak the same language as you do.

Everything I've learned from pop culture leads me to believe the same thing: a war with machines is inevitable! The only way we can stop that from happening is if we create a zombie apocalypse first. Then the zombies can worry about fighting the machines when we're all dead.

Swamp Thing returns just in time from his arctic vacation to disassemble A Calculus and their hooligans. I guess Charles Soule can write a fight scene!

Alec realizes he finally has a good reason to call Abigail. He should probably call Buddy as well so it looks like he's keeping the visit with Abby professional. Then he can cough a few times and stare really hard at Buddy as he jerks his head toward the door until Buddy gets the hint and beats it.

If they can't touch, watching each other masturbate is a decent option.

While Alec and Abby create duplicates of themselves which they watch fuck until they burn, A Calculus, along with B Calculus and C Calculus, go about choosing a human avatar for the machines. If I were them, I'd pick Kevin Kho! He's already used to being part of a machine and he's completely human.

They consider Cyborg, Metallo, Cyborg Superman, The Metal Men, and Earl J. Dukeston. Better known as The Duke of Oil! Are you fucking kidding me? Way to pull that guy out of your ass, Charles Soule! Maybe Charles Soule loves the original Outsiders just like I do!

After vetoing all of the people I mentioned, the Calculi seem to be thinking about choosing Anton Arcane as the Avatar of Machines, simply for his experience. They haven't named him yet but they're considering a candidate with all the requisite skills of an Avatar. And Anton seems like the best prospect out there.

Oh! Even better! How could I forget you so quickly, my lovely Lady Weeds?!

Swamp Thing #36 Rating: Swamp Thing under Charles Soule has been one of my favorite books of The New 52. For now, this comic will remain high up in the ranks as I re-sort my rankings. What will it become when Soule leaves though? I hope whoever takes over after Soule turns it into a dark, disgusting, horror story full of unheimlich and uncanny valleys! Or something. I might not know what I'm talking about.

Swamp Thing #35

Swamp Thing's nemesis should be The Parking Lot.

Due to various reasons (the main reason being that DC won't stop publishing way too many comic books each week), I'm two weeks and two comic books behind. That's not counting Green Arrow #35 which apparently never shipped anywhere in Portland. I think checking two comic book stores qualifies as a big enough sample to draw that conclusion. I knew I should have picked it up when I saw it in Mile High Comics in Denver! Stupid! I'm mentioning this because people are probably thinking, "Why the fuck is Tess writing about a comic book that came out two weeks ago? Everybody was done talking about that comic book when the solicits came out six months ago." I don't actually know how far in advance solicits come out but then that quote wasn't me so I wasn't wrong if the information was wrong. The idiot I was quoting was wrong. And since I was quoting a reader, you might be the idiot!

This issue begins with the origin of curiosity.

Most lives consist of lots of if/then statements that lead to a multiplicity of subroutines. Right now I'm stuck in an if/then loop until I finish this commentary and then I can goto Titanfall.

The impulse is the germination of A Calculus, the guy in the suit with no face that appeared at the end of last issue. He represents machines or efficiency or artificial intelligence. He's a salesmen or a preacher come to sell Swamp Thing a better way! I don't where the better way leads but I feel like it leads away from fun, emotions, wanderlust, and desire. A Calculus is probably all about getting shit done! I hate them already!

I gotta say, I'm emotions!

Now the Monorail Song is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Lyle Lanley!

I just did some fact checking to make sure I got Phil Hartman's Music Man con artist character's name right and was thoroughly surprised that I did. I don't know what's wrong with you, brain. Why can't you think of the name of people close to you while you're talking with them but you can come up with a twenty year old character from The Simpsons?!

A Calculus offers Alec a deal: Alec allows A Calculus to manage The Green and Alec gets to run around and play superhero. A Calculus makes it sound very appealing, just like good salesmen do. You know, they lay out all the benefits until you're practically shoving the money into their hands before finding out the cost. So, A Calculus. What is this going to cost Swamp Thing?

Swamp Thing, being a better and more informed shopper than I ever was, doesn't even care what the price is. He just tells A Calculus to fuck off and they fuck off.

Jonah, you Luddite! Also, you pine tree!

I guess the idea of the machines running The Green was more of a Shelbyville idea!

Swamp Thing discovers The Machine fortress up in the Arctic where they're sure to never run into any do-gooder heroes because why would any of them ever fly around in the Arctic? Swamp Thing considers sinking their fortress but decides he'll wait until they give him reason to.

I guess next issue he'll have reason to! Jonah was right! I guess even a clock smashed by a Luddite is right twice a day!

Swamp Thing #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Those salesmen that won't take no for an answer aren't the worst kinds of salesmen. The worst kind are the ones that take no for an answer but then come back later to murder you.

Futures End: Swamp Thing #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Look arounds us, sees? Dusty Stretches norf, souf, eas, wes, frowards, backslides, ups, downs. Ain't no 'scapin' nows. Ain't no uses worryin' bouts hows we comeded to it. We's gots boff feets in da dust and it be billowin' ups 'round us, obfuscurrin' everfing. Somedust, when peeps 'cognicize me speech when I be down in dem lower voices, dat duster'll sayem, "Goggs! Goggs! I love your show, Goggs! I don't know if I could make it through each week without it. But, seriously, what...what are we doing? What is this--" and dey'll sweep out dey arms ta take in da corpses and da rats and da filth and da cracks and da dust, oh dat fuckity dust, and continue, "--what is this all for?" And Goggs will say, "Who dis Goggs? What da fuckity ya on about, looper?" And Goggs will continue on 'er way to doin' whatevems she uz up ta. Old Goggs cain't take da chance ta identifies herself downs in the lower voices, gets it? But she cans answer ya questyshin up here in her cozy broadcastin' nest.

What are we doin? We gettin' on mit life, dat's what we doin'. Ya wanna end it, ya end it. If'n ya don'ts wanna end it, ya keep trudgin' frough dat dust. What else cans ya do, feels it? It ain't no differencing den Formertimes. What da fuckity were ya doin' den? Work weeks and foopsballs on da weekends. Forcin' yaself ta make friendies mit da peeps ya stuck wit at yer job. Fillin' up dat safe 'count mit as much koku as possibles fer jess in case ya donna corpse it too youthful. Weren't no point ta life den, ain't no point ta life now. Fings was jess much cleaner in Formertimes. And ya didna spend piles a koku on fuckity masks ta cover upside yer nostrums, ja? Joins a gang or a religy movesment ifn ya cain't figger out yer own meaning. But Goggs sure as hell ain't gonna give ya da meanings of life. Afferdust, Old Goggs is a beliefer in The Secret, so she be gettin' her answers fum some other duster anydust! Although, truff be in da tellin, Goggs mossly likems The Secret cause it bout gettin' merde easy-like, feels me? Writes it on a board, fink dem positron foughts, and whiz-bango! Ya gots what ya wanted! Okay, maybe sumdust it takes a mighty small bit of mighty extremes violence as well. But fuckity, The Goddess never said Old Goggs couldna bust some faces ta make her dreams come truthful. At leastways, not in any a da epersodes Goggs 'members.

Dis week's littyrapture funfun book starrems Swamp Thing and it be called "The Zeugma." Fuckity fuck, wishem Prof were here ta tell me what dat means. Nows Old Goggs gotsta digs up da Oxford and flip pages, ja? Lessee, lessee.

[sounds of pages shuffling for about twenty seconds]

Aha! Here em is: noun. "a figure of speech in which a word applies to two others in different senses or to two others of which it semantically suits only one." I sposes dat haff sumfing ta do mit dis here telltale, ja? Mayhaps it splains how dem Divideds and dem Fungis cans do da same jobs as da rots but in a differenty kinda way? Or mayhappens it just means hows dat Swamp Thing says, nearly lastly, "Tears up or tears it down." Although dat seems more kinship ta a homopun or somefink. Or mayhappers it jess in reference ta da two Swamp Things dat battles Anton. Or possibilitates dat it describes Anton and Abby where dey are boff of dem da Rot but dat onny really applicates ta Anton. Sos dats hows we know Abby survivin' in da ends. Dat pobabaly makems da mos' sense; dat da Anton/Abby creature be da Zuegma. Or maybe Old Goggs jess donna fuckity get it, get it?

Trooff, Swampy Fing. Whatevems.

Dis telltale gives 'way da endin' a dat Futures End pap what been goin' on fer weeks and weeks da las' five round trips. Sees, ta keep da Gods und da Superior-Naturals from interferin' like mit da mortals, deys all make da deal mit da Spectre ta border demselves off from da mortal realms. I spose dat forceded da ovver Gods like Darkseids and Anti-Monitors and Brainsiacs into some kinda closeted off systems ta help end da New Earf/Earf Two war. And now dat be dones wif, Swampy Fing gonna go destroy da Rot onct and for allsatime.

But firsts, Swampy needs help from da ovver realms like da Grey and da Divided and da Metal and da Gray. Acause da Earf cain't exist mitout rot. But fungi and divided do all dat rot business demselves. So what da fuckity is da Rot den? I spose da Rot da superior-natural side of organic matters breakin' down as 'posed ta da scientifical way dat da Fungi and da Bacterium shoulda been takin' care a allatime anydust. But dey been lazy and self-involved or somefin.

Da Gray's somefin were dem lustful temptations.

Who dis chica and what's da Grey wanna mit her? Old Goggs donna know! Perhappens it's Sue Dibny and da Grays ams Ralph! Or permaybe dis heres be Deaf's teenylittle sister? Or possables ain't nobody noduster readin' might recognize nohows. Old Goggs bets da necklery is da clue!

Nex', da Swampy visitem da Red whose Avatar is a fuckity bonger, sees? Dat mus' mean da new avatar ams Brothers Blood. Affer dat, da Swampy visitem da Divided where da Avatar's name is Sarah. Den Swampy visitem da Metal where dat Avatar be makin' an Anti-Monitor costume fer hisself. Unless it jess a Swampy costume acause he gonna haff ta take over dat Green job (or gonna take alla dem realms over!) if'n Swampy dies. Or it jess be a hot dog vendor costume since it got alla dem condiments bottles on da backs a it.

The Zeugma?

Affer dat Swampy bongerslaps Anton und frees his loverly and most probable corpses it as well. Abby might also corpse it. And Anton mos' definite corpses it. And Swamp be a hero and merde.

Dere ya go, ya lower voices what allways up and down lookin' fer da meanin' a tings. Swamp Fing, he doin' what he tinks be rights, no matters what dangers dat puts him afore. Mayhap choosin' ta give it all up and corpse it doin' what ya fink is da right fing ta do be better than squirrel-hidin' in yer holes und safe places jess tryin' eke out da longes' potentials life, ja? Meanin' ta life ain't gots to 'quate ta dangers nohow neitherway, dough. But ya fink hidin' and livin' long better den pursuin' personal goals and desires und corpsin' it early? Mayhappers, mayhappers. But dat ain't not for Old Goggs. Ya all of ya may sees her as a voice jess passin' da judgments from upover da clouds but dats acause dats all she wantin' ya ta see. Dere be a reason she ain't wanna be 'cognicized by dem lower voices. She got plans, ya Mopes. She gotta lotta fuckity plans. And if ya fink ya know what ya hearin' each week, if ya fink Old Goggs is doin' dis merde ta make yer lifes passables, ya fuckity deaf, dumb-dumb, und mole-sighted. Dis here weekly...dis ain'ts fa youse, feels me? Dis for him. Now fuckity off, ya misery wretchers.