Earth 2 #20

Namor backwards is Roman. Aquawoman backwards is sexy.

Over on Earth 2, they've been having some problems. They're not real problems like I have. Like how my cat never finishes pooping and sprints away from the litter box flinging turds all over the house. Or how at the pet store I cleaned today, there were two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen in the back room and I couldn't pay attention to both of them at the same time. Also there were no kittens to be seen and that's a fucking problem, man. Even though I don't approve of pet stores selling dogs and cats! Everybody knows you're supposed to be against that so, of course, I am! I think I probably have some other problems too that are worse than horrible creatures from Apokolips destroying your world. But they have to do with middle age and feeling like my life has amounted to little but some sassy backtalk and how I don't have the emotional capacity to truly connect with anyone. I mean, those problems pale in comparison to trying to pet one widdle puppy on the nose and seeing the other puppy feeling hurt and abandoned and quickly having to pet him on the nose while the other one falls over in a fit of loneliness and despair. I'd like to see Replacement Batman solve that problem.

Speaking of Replacement Batman, if you haven't read Earth 2 Annual #2 yet (or the solicits for the upcoming Replacement Batman Action Figure), then you don't know he's actually Thomas Wayne, Bruce's dad. Now you know that if you didn't know that before and it's not a spoiler because that comic book came out two or three weeks ago. And it was already spoiled by then because everybody reads solicits! To be current, I really should be writing my commentaries on each issue five months before it actually comes out. But I can't do it because I'm really awful at time travel! So far, I've only mastered forward time travel and I can only do that in real time. But occasionally I'll go into a trance and suddenly find myself eight hours into the future! So I'm getting better at it!

Hawkwoman also returned to this comic book after having a little adventure of her own that was never resolved. I don't think I need to bother remembering what it was because if Tom Taylor ever revisits it, he'll probably have Hawkwoman explain it again.

Right now, Hawkwoman, Replacement Batman, Aquawoman, and Kym are headed back to the Batcave in Gotham City. I hope it's not overrun by dinosaurs! I also hope they find Big Barda and Scott Free.

Where was she keeping that shell? I don't see a fanny pack. Now I wish Aquaman's outfit contained a fanny pack! Or a bum bag if you're English and fanny pack is too vulgar for you.

Back at the Batcave, Replacement Batman finds The Accountant Jimmy Olsen, Red Tornado Lois Lane, Val-el the Kryptonian, Red Arrow Connor Hawke, and babbling incoherently Doctor Khalid Fate. This is Replacement Batman's army that must defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman. I guess Green Lantern Alan Scott will eventually join up. As will, once they escape Bedlam and Beguile's clutches, Mister Terrific Michael Holt and The Flash Jay Garrick. Those are a lot of names to remember! And I did it all by myself! Fuck you, Lord Google! I must have been eating fish oil recently! Does Filet 'o Fish Oil count?

Ugh. I can't remember the last time I've had a Filet 'o Fish sandwich from McDonalds. It was probably well before I turned twelve. I used to love those things! And fish sticks. Do adults eat fish sticks? That seems like the kind of food only kids eat. Or, I suppose, parents that have young kids. I'm sure they have one or two when they've cooked them.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman shows he doesn't know the definition of the word "sensitive."

On a practical level, an agoraphobic Kryptonian is obviously useless. But the main problem is that he can't ever power up with sunlight! I bet he's even afraid of skylights. Not that there are any left unsmashed in Gotham. Fucking Batman.

Meanwhile Flip the Fuck Out Superman is wasting time having his army destroy churches and cathedrals and mosques and temples and synagogues. He even has them destroy Scientology buildings! He might as well make sure they burn down McDonalds and movie theaters while they're at it. This is like the replicants in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? exposing Wilbur Mercer as a fraud and believing that everybody will suddenly realize they've been had and no longer believe in empathy and Mercerism. Does Flip the Fuck Out Superman believe destroying places of worship will end worship? I get that he's big into symbolism but this is really just wasting time. A few people will probably be so offended that they'll let their neighbor's know, but that's about it.

I suppose if you're as stupid as Flip the Fuck Out Superman is, you'd believe that now the Earthlings will shrug and wonder, "Who do we worship now?!" And Flip the Fuck Out Superman will say, "Have you heard the good word? Darkseid lives!"

And back in the Batcave, Lois convinces Val-el that he needs to soak up some sun.

Aren't his parents dead from a disease contracted from tainted pirate treasure?

Earth 2 #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still no Alan Scott, Big Barda, or Mister Miracle. Or Fury! It seems a lot of characters have just disappeared since the change in writers. Although there are a fuckload of characters to follow in this book. It's like trying to fit each of the 52 New Earth titles into one book. Where is Commander Steel? What about the Red Lantern in the fire pit?! I think this book should be double length each month.

Earth 2 Annual #2

Yeah, revealed by the solicits and then by people that read the solicits to people that don't want to fucking know until they actually read the reveal in the story which is why they don't read any of the fucking solicits.

Fuck me. Here we go! Another annual. Let's make his quick. I have semen to eat and cookies to expel. Hmm. Strike that. Reverse it.

The issue begins in 1979 which is when Bruce Wayne lost his parents in that alley when he was a kid. And since everybody knows that story, I don't have to explain that I didn't mean he misplaced them. They were killed. Murdered. Shot right through their stupid faces. From that day on, Bruce swore to fight a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American Way!

Fifteen years later, Batman finds himself standing next to the man that murdered his parents. The man is dead and in the Gotham Morgue but Batman is standing there on the phone with Alfred pointing out that he fucking knows what he fucking saw when he was a fucking kid, Alfred, so why don't you fucking get off his fucking back, hanh?! Batman doesn't know who killed Joe Chill or any of the previous victims linked to the Falcone Crime Family recently murdered in the same way. But pretty soon he'll probably discover it was his brother Thomas that had survived severe brain damage from a car accident when he was just a toddler and later flew into space with Deed Dichards and doused in Gamma Rays which caused him to have super strength which he would use to avenge all the wrongs ever perpetrated on the Wayne Family and eventually become Replacement Batman after his brother died in the war against Apokolips! Right. Are we done here?

Oh wait. That was Owlman's origin. Minus the Deed Dichard's space travel bullshit. Maybe I should read the comic to learn about Replacement Batman's actual origin.

Doesn't Alfred make everything sound that way? "Your tea, Sir."

Batman interrogates Frankie Falcone and finds out that his father Thomas once saved Frankie's life. He also discovers that the only connection Frankie is aware of between the murdered Falcone Crime Family members and Joe Chill is Thomas Wayne. Frankie goes on to mention that Thomas met Martha because of him. So far, it looks like Batman owes his very existence to Frankie Falcone! Unless he actually owes it to himself because I'm sure he's going to go back in time later to make sure that his father meets his mother as Bruce pretends to be Jim Morrison (Earth 2 version that fucked up his career by living past 1971) at the party where Tommy and Mary meet.

One corrupt thing led to another and Thomas eventually tried to distance himself from Frankie's crime syndicate. But Frankie didn't like that, so he had some boys beat the shit out of Thomas. But they got the shit beat out of them by Jarvis, Alfred's father, because the butler is always the most interesting character in a comic book. And since Jarvis stopped Wayne's beating, Frankie sent Joe Chill to deliver a different kind of message. And so Earth 2 Batman became a more stable super hero than New Earth Batman because his parents were killed in a conspiracy instead of a random event. Trust me, it makes it better somehow. Closure or something.

Also Batman learns that his father is still alive and killing he people that killed Martha. So getting to know his dad might have calmed him down some.

The Batman in Flashpoint was also Thomas Wayne, Bruce's father, so this is a nice bit of parallel to that world. I just hope that Earth 2 becomes as crazy as Flashpoint Earth! Although Injustice might be that comic book already. I wouldn't know since I haven't been reading that. But Replacement Batman shooting The Joker in the face makes a lot of sense now.

While New Earth Batman needed his parents' death to make sense, Earth 2 Batman reacts in the opposite way. He became what he became to stop random crime and senseless deaths. But his parents had an active role in what happened to them. They were paying for their crimes. Perhaps Bruce is simply depressed from a life of pain and trauma and can't deal with any version of his parents' death because they still were not in his life. Here is his father, not dead after all! Back in his life and Bruce is not happy because his father still abandoned him. And abandoning Bruce needlessly, with all the Wayne resources, is far worse than if his father had actually died. But the best part is how Thomas was getting his super strength!

Never mind all the emotional crap! Thomas stole Miraclo from Rex Mason! Hopefully that means Rex went on to become an adventuring archaeologist since his career as Sixty Minute Man was terminated by Thomas before it began.

And that's Thomas Wayne's story. After Batman's death, he became Replacement Batman to help save his soul. And maybe the world as a possible side effect. And that's the story he tells to Red Tornado and Hawkwoman because he wants them to trust him if they're going to work together. And the best way to earn somebody's trust is to tell them what kind of a prick you once were because then they know you'll tell them anything! Thomas still has to use Miraclo because he's a sixty-five year old Batman. But he's not worried about what anyone else thinks at this point. He just wants to feel better about himself and his past choices but he can't so he remains an addict that feels like he deserves to die save the world.

Is this Lex Luthor and Lana Lang with a baby of their own? Who will that turn out to be?

Earth 2 Annual #2 Rating: I think I'm being just the right amount of hyperbolic when I say I love the idea of sixty-five year old Thomas Wayne using Miraclo to be Replacement Batman on Earth 2. Also the fact that Rex Mason is out there somewhere. He'd be old too unless he became Metamorpho and stopped aging at some point. I hope he did!

Earth 2 #19

DC Comics, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's time to let go of your dependence on the word "unleashed." If you want, I'll allow you to skip straight to Step Nine because y'all got a lot of shit to apologize to the fans for!

Why are you reading this? I didn't invite you! Get the fuck out of here! Are you hoping to hear a secret, sexy tale about how I once masturbated in the employee bathroom of a Kentucky Fried Chicken? Well, um, you aren't going to hear that story because I just made it up! But if I hadn't made it up, I assure you that I washed my hands before getting back to marinating the chicken. But don't try to change the subject! I don't want you reading my New 52 Web Journal anymore! It's off limits to you! I could point you to some other websites that talk about The New 52 but they're probably all Vlogs and those Vloggers are fucking lazy douchebags that just like to run their mouths on camera! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"! Have you ever noticed how much a capital "W" looks like a bird's beak pointing downward?

Okay. Now that everybody is gone, I definitely feel more comfortable. The pressure is gone! I can go back to boring descriptions of the plot without feeling I need to entertain anyone. I hope none of them noticed I wasn't wearing pants during that last paragraph.

Last issue, Replacement Batman shot Joker in the face. It's okay though! Joker was in stasis so I don't think he felt any pain since pain can only be experienced across time. Also, I don't think anybody was really very worried about Joker's euthanasia and how humanely it was performed. Replacement Batman did not shoot Aquawoman or Jimmy Olsen (aka Accountable!) in the face because he needs their help to defeat Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!). It seems like a lot of trouble for a couple of people that don't have any Kryptonite on them.

This is Flip the Fuck Out Superman's first big mistake: leaving the smartest people on Earth 2 alive. Jay Garrick is not one of those people. He's probably the 5,653,000,003rd smartest person on Earth 2. And that's being generous.

As Flip the Fuck Out Superman flies off with his prey, Beguile attacks with an army of Parademons. I'm sure Green Lantern will be able to handle that. Wherever he's gotten off to. But Replacement Batman won't be dealing with it because he's just learned from Flip the Fuck Out Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen that there is an alien within the compound that Replacement Batman should probably get his dick into. That's slang for getting his meat-hooks all up in him.

This is the alien! Also, The World Army has some of the tightest uniforms I've ever seen. That guard's pants are disappearing right up inside her.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman deposits his parcel of smart people (and Jay) on the lawn of the White House in Washington DC (that's the capital of the United States of America for all of you Americans out there reading this). He tells Bedlam that Americans love symbols of power and decides to show them one of his own. So he emasculates America by ripping America's most famous phallus out by the roots.

Just in case some people weren't paying attention to the maniac ripping out huge memorials, a few helpful people in the crowd point it out.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman tells America it is fucked by smashing the phallus down into the White House. He must not be a very good lover because he completely misses the Oval Office. If only Red Tornado had been there to guide him in.

Meanwhile in Monaco or Morocco or whatever, Hawkwoman is probably doing something. And over in The Gotham City That Time Forgot, Big Barda and Scott Free are all up to whatever. I just thought somebody should check in with them!

Down in the alien's apartment (his name is Val! Fuck if I know why I typed that. I'll never remember it and will just wind up calling him something stupid), the alien collapses because meeting Batman is painful? I'm sure it will make more sense when I turn the page. Val is probably a Martian and he's picking up on the fact that Replacement Batman hates fucking Oreo cookies. I mean, he fucking hates them. He doesn't hate sticking his dick into them until he orgasms. He might hate that! I'm just clarifying and not declaring that he hates or loves Oreo cookies in an intimate and erotic way.

Oh, that was my other guess but I figured Earth 2 Krypton, being a representation of The Golden Age of DC Comics, was just full of whitey white-ass white Kryptonians.

Terry Sloan must have decided to keep Val (Val-el! He'll probably become Valor!) locked up in the sub-sub-subiest-sub-basement of them all so that he never absorbed any yellow sunlight and remained a weak little nobody. Replacement Batman had better get that Kryptonite out of there quick then because Val doesn't have any added strength or resistance built up from yellow sun exposure.

Oh! I just realized who Replacement Batman is based on that five o'clock shadow! It's Jon Hamm! Or maybe J'on H'amm if he's martian!

Back in Washington, Flip the Fuck Out Superman gives his press conference. It turns out that Apokolips is circling the cosmic drain and Darkseid needs a new home. He has chosen Earth because of its beautiful, beautiful (if somewhat tiny) chairs. Such glorious chairs to sit upon! Recliners! Bar stools! Love seats! Massage chairs! It will be the dawning of a new age of relaxation! And the humans that are strong will live to work in the fire pits and the chair factories! Churning out fire and chair by the ass-load! And Darkseid will look down upon them all and he will see that it is good.

Bedlam has been left in charge of Sloan and Mister Terrific because they are to build an enormous Boom Tube capable of BOOMING Earth into the space Apokolips currently occupies. That makes sense. Darkseid probably weighs more than the Earth and is harder to relocate.

No wait! I really just realized who Replacement Batman is! It's Alfred Pennyworth! Holy shit that would be my favorite thing in the world. It's probably Dick Grayson though. Or maybe it's Alfred's lover?

Replacement Batman sends Lois Tornado off to the Batcave with Jimmy Olsen and Val. He, Aquawoman, and Kym the World Army Security Guard get a lift from Hawkwoman. I guess she got out of the trouble she was in when we last saw her. Perhaps I was supposed to forget about that since it has been quite a few months now.

The issue finishes on a one page epilogue which basically says, "Don't forget Alan Scott! He's still alive! He'll be back!" As if anybody out there thought he was dead. Still no sign of Big Barda and Mister Miracle though.

Earth 2 #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. I really am glad at the turn this comic book has taken over the last half year or so. It's become less about restarting The Justice Society and more about creating a real alternate Earth with new characters and a mysterious history that we'll get to learn about as more stories are told. I fucking love this shit. Even with the Reboot, DC Comics has too much history wrapped up in New Earth. But Earth 2 is innocent and new and full of wonder and excitement, like a puppy humping a newborn in the ear. I always wanted Mera to be the champion of the Aquaman comic book and now we have Aquawoman on the team (although "Aquawoman" is aquaward to say!). And now Replacement Batman has discovered Replacement Superman! I just love that this series can go in so many different directions. In terms of a "reboot," this now feels like DC's biggest success.

Earth 2 #17

I hope Earth 2 New Batman is Ben Affleck.

Last issue ended with Earth 2 getting a great big cock right up its hoo-haw. Even Steppenwolf was fucked hard when Brutaal sliced him in twain with his Kryptonian heat vision. Oh yeah, Brutaal turned out to be Superman. Has he been working undercover? And is Bedlam really Aquaman of Earth 2?! I know, you would think Bedlam would be the resurrected, sodomized corpse of Batman because of the connotations of that word with Batman's career. But my guess is it's mummified Aquaman brought back to life by an ancient Atlantean protozoa. And Beguile will turn out to be Aubrey Plaza.

Whoops. Pardon my gaffe. Superman's heat vision was actually an Omega Beam. That's much scarier. I think.

The world is ready to give up because how can they defeat Superman when Batman no longer exists (they haven't seen the cover of the comic so they don't know they still have a chance)? The military has one idea though! It's a long shot! It's not something they've ever tried before! It's pretty crazy because it's the antithesis of everything they stand for! But it's so crazy it just might work! They're going to try to stop Superman using love!

Robot Love, to be exact. Sexy, hot, beautiful assed Robot Love. This plan is a winner!

The ass is in the panel on the next page. You'll have to trust me that it's very nice.

So Lois Lane's consciousness has been downloaded into Red Tornado. Does Red Tornado get a Responsometer? Does Red Tornado have working parts? You know which parts. The important parts! She looks soft and supple. I wonder if she has a kryptonite bomb in her robot uterus? At least Superman will die happy.

Mister Terrific, being the Third Smartest Man on Earth Prime, comes up with a plan that doesn't involve Red Tornado removing her panties: Kryptonite! Oh, unless his plan is also the one I came up with about the Kryptonite Uterus Bomb. But Doctor Fate has an even better answer: Magic! Of course, he could still be talking about Lois's magical vagina. It's probably a good thing I'm not on the Committee to Come Up With a Plan to Defeat Superman.

While the World Army is worried about Superman penetrating their Headquarters and tearing them all apart, New Batman has infiltrated the lower levels! He seems to be seeking the stasis chambers where the World Headquarters keeps its prisoners. I bet Batman has the best plan! Hopefully one of the prisoners is made out of Kryptonite. I shouldn't even try to guess what Batman's plan is even though this is New Batman and probably not as smart as Old Batman. He's smart enough to wear the Batsuit and that's all I need to declare him the greatest hero on Earth 2!

Turns out, Doctor Fate's plan sucked.

Superman does the Kryptonian Twist on Doctor Fate's face which is actually lucky for Doctor Fate since that's probably the only part of him that can withstand Superman's furious stomping. I say "furious stomping" instead of "rhythmic twisting" because Superman isn't fucking good at everything. Ugh. He's as graceful as a three-legged giraffe jonesing for its next heroin fix.

Jay Garrick saves Doctor Fate although the helmet was cracked. This causes Khalid to continue to repeat slogans for cookies or something.

He might be talking about an old dog he once had named Crumbles.

Back at World Army Headquarters (which should just simply be called "Building for Lease" now), Lois Tornado watches her father die and New Batman finally decides to explain his plan instead of beating the shit out of the guys that are simply trying to save the world. Fucking Batman. Why does he always think punching is quicker than explanations? Anyway, his plan is to release some criminals and madmen in the hopes that one of them can help defeat Superman. Or maybe he just wants to use them as cannon fodder while he thinks up an actual plan.

Earth 2 #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm tentatively excited for the new direction this comic book is taking. I want to see all the Earth 2 Unwonders now! I hope the first one Batman frees is Ultra-Humanite! Although I have to wonder what's going on with Fury, Barda, and Scott Free over in Dinosaur Gotham. And Hawkgirl! Wasn't she doing something with some weird couple in Monte Carlo or somewhere? Mainly I have to wonder those things in type in this commentary so that I don't forget that they're happening! Anyway, a whole Earth is a lot to cover in just one comic book!

Earth 2 #7

Hawkgirl really wants Alan to join her Society of Justice.

I wonder if the people of Earth 2 are constantly teased because they live on Earth Poop! That's because a Number Two is a Bowel Movement. I probably didn't need to explain that to anybody. That's like one of the first things toddlers learn after yelling "NO!" and slapping people in the face.

Speaking of bowel movements, I have a story that relates to both pooping and comic books! Remember in Pulp Fiction how John Travolta's character kept missing major moments in the movie because he was off taking a crap? He even ends up dying because he was in the bathroom missing out on life. My cousin used to refuse to go to the bathroom until he was nearly pissing himself when we were kids because he didn't want to miss out on any of the fun by being in the bathroom. So when Pulp Fiction came out, all I could think about was my cousin. But we need to use the toilet so much, my guess is that everybody's life is changed at one moment or another simply because they were in the bathroom. My moment was that I missed getting a job at a comic book store when I was in college at San Jose State. I was, um, making a Number Two when the comic shop called me back for the job. They left a message on the phone but when I was finally able to get back to them, nobody answered. By the time I did reach them, the job was filled.

I have a feeling this moment was actually a good one to miss. I would have been making minimum wage at a store that was half sports collectibles anyway. Working there, I wouldn't have been available when my friend Mike set me up with a job at his office installation company and I never would have ended up managing a warehouse on the Netscape Campus and saving a shit ton of money so I could travel cross country in my VW Bus and travel around Asia. So fuck you, comic book store that simply had to call me while I was pooping! I'm glad I missed that opportunity!

After that introduction to Earth 2, I'm expecting this comic to be shitty.

The Heroes of Earth 2 are much smarter than those idiots over on Earth New 52. I don't know what Earth the main Earth is because DC has been putting out those Earth 1 comic books and those certainly don't take place on the Earth of the New 52!

I wonder if Etrigan poops? I don't think Superman or Supergirl need to poop unless they eat. So Superman probably poos all of the time because he's trying to live a normal human life as Clark Kent. I wonder if his poops are super dense? Can Earth plumbing even handle them? Maybe they can be used as fuel like Nibbler's poops on Futurama! What about The Flash? Can he poo really fast? I bet because his system is so sped up, when he needs to pee or poo, he probably only has seconds before getting to the bathroom! I wonder if Hawkgirl ever flies up really high and just drops one over the city?

Technically, you do "do team." You're the CEO of Global Broadcasting. The entire company is your "team." You couldn't do it without them. Jerk!

Alan Scott was so angry about Sam's death, he trashed his apartment before the comic book began. Hawkgirl noticed so when Alan won't join the team, she pisses him off even more and flies away. That must be why they fight! Because Kendra is being a total hawkbitch by shooting a crossbow bolt into a picture of Sam and Alan.

Meanwhile, the world's smartest man, Terry Sloan, has been made head of the World Science Directive. This has pissed off Amar Khan who is head of the World Army or something like that. Amar thinks Sloan is a psychopath and an asshole and an arrogant bastard, so he's keeping a whole lot of eyes on him. I don't know who Amar Khan is but he's probably someone from the Justice Society. Maybe he's a new Doctor Fate. Whoever he is, he's sent Wesley Dowd and his Sandmen to check out one of Terry Sloan's secret bases. Maybe they'll find Mister Terrific.

Even on Earth 2, you can't have Paris without the Eiffel Tower.

Oh look. They found Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific's balls have definitely seen better days.

Mister Terrific seems to be under mind control by Sloan. The Sandmen put him to sleep and taken him prisoner. Is Mister Terrific ever going to appear in an issue of Earth 2 where he doesn't get his ass kicked, get knocked unconscious, and then get taken prisoner? I think he's probably way down around the sixteenth smartest person now.

Some more bickering and arguing finishes out the issue. But more importantly, an unfinished female Red Tornado promises to be up and running soon. It was began by Amar Khan and his team but they've had trouble with it so Terry Sloan and his techs are going to fix her up. That means Red Tornado will probably be made to do horrible things for Sloan but it will retain whatever sense of right and justice Amar Khan instilled in it. You know? Just like the original Red Tornado created by T.O. Morrow!

Earth 2 #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Alan Scott and Kendra Munoz-Saunders never fight in the sky like the cover depicted. But that's a good thing! Who needs more heroes battling each other? I enjoyed the pacing of this issue. A lot of people trying to outmaneuver a lot of other people and a half-finished female robot and lots and lots of pooping.