Forever Evil #4

I understand that there are people that like David Finch's art. Those people are wrong. So very, very wrong. In an objective sense!

Judging by this cover, Batman and Lex Luthor are going to wind up in a horrible teleportation accident. Or maybe they take the night off to go clubbing? And at some point during the night, Lex Luthor becomes a dwarf. Then while they're dancing at the club, Batman slips on a banana peel and accidentally slides into Lex Luthor's fist, causing his tongue to unravel and slide out of his mouth. Meanwhile Ultraman watches them from a distance while the other Crime Syndicate members stare off in random directions.

I'm also not sure why two question marks were used when pointing out that Lex Luthor and Batman might be humanity's last hope. Is that the proper punctuation for stating something not in the least surprising that would cause a person to consider briefly and then completely agree with.

Less Informed Scared Citizen: "Who will save us?!"
Slightly More Informed Scared Citizen: "Batman and Lex Luthor??"
Now Slightly More Informed and Not Quite as Scared Citizen: "Hmm. Oh yeah. I can see that. I like our chances!"

Also, Lex Luthor's armor makes him look fatter than Batwing in his armor.

Here David Finch displays his method for differentiating men and women: men get lots of lines on their faces; women get shiny clear skin.

Obviously Batman is about to show Selina the size of his cock here.

I know, right?

That's the final panel of page one. And anybody that knows anything about David Finch knows that he's the number two artist when you want gigantic, waste-of-space, double-paged splashes. Tony S. Daniel, of course, is number one. So when I turned the page, I was expecting Batman's huge cock to throb across the length of the comic book. I actually got out a washcloth and some lotion in preparation! But to my chagrin, it was just a huge, double-page splash of the fucking Batcave.

Whatever. Okay, blood, you can head back to the brain and extremities. You're not actually going to be needed down there.

Catwoman seems to be on friendly terms with Batman so I guess she forgave him for kicking her off of a motorcycle and nearly smearing her pretty lips all across the streets of Gotham. Batman and Catwoman need to grab a few things in the Batcave before heading off to stop the Crime Syndicate on Batman's steam-powered motorcycle. So those are Batman's only choices? Either vehicles wholly reliant on computers or a steam-powered motorcycle. He doesn't have a Volkswagen or an old Mustang or something? I bet Alfred has a fully mechanical car somewhere! Although you might have to crank his to get it started.

Oh Selina. Your contingency plan is in Batman's pants. Unless you're just hinting at an engagement ring here.

Batman decides to give Catwoman a little tour of his boxes so she can know some of those secrets of his that might put her in danger. He's got a Kryptonite Ring in his Superman box which Grid will be happy to learn about. He's got a Sinestro Corps Ring to help him defeat Green Lantern if it ever comes to that. He's got a tiny vibrator from the future for The Flash. He's got a Mother Box to help defeat Cyborg.

Just like Aquaman! Ha ha!

Wonder Woman's box was also empty because she's unbeatable. Unless it was filled with chocolate and Batman ate it. Grid is watching this entire exchange through a Bat-Security Camera so now he knows how Batman hopes to defeat the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe all he cared about was the Kryptonite for Ultraman.

Meanwhile Lex Luthor and his new gang (Black Manta, Black Adam, Black Bizarro, and Captain Black Cold) are preparing to go to war against the Crime Syndicate too. Captain Cold has finished creating a new Cold Gun because Deathstorm took his powers. I guess DC's policy of Meta-Humanizing everybody has been reversed a bit. Even Mirror Master made a new Mirror Gun over in Rogues Rebellion. I actually like Captain Cold better when he's just this guy with some advanced technology. I hope Captain Boomerang gets the treatment too so he's not manifesting boomerangs anymore and has to rely on a bunch of the weapons strapped to his chest. Just like the good old Preboot Days!

Back in Utah, Ultraman pulls the Kryptonite heart from Metallo because he needs a quick fix. I guess that's the end of John Corbin Metallo! But that doesn't mean it's the end of Metallo himself! He'll get a replacement soon, I'm sure. Superwoman arrives to give Ultraman the good news. And some bad news. The good news is she's pregnant! And the bad news is in the scan below.

As you can clearly see from the rendering of each character's skin, Superwoman is a woman and Ultraman is a man. Umm, their names may also have been a clue.

You know, I type the wrong word on occasion. You've probably noticed if you read these commentaries when they're published. If you read them a month after, you may think I rarely make mistakes. Oh how wrong you'd be. In my commentary on Red Hood and The Outlaws #25, I typed "time" when I meant to type "team." Fucking brain is a joke sometimes. I mention this because I just typed "there" in the previous caption and noticed it when I came back from doing some Tumblring and corrected it to "their." I mention this because it got me thinking about how quick people are to point out errors like that, often in a way that shouts, "You're an idiot and I'm obviously more superior than you since I know the difference between 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're.'" As opposed to, you know, ignoring it if it's something as casual as a Facebook Status Update because you know your friend obviously knows the difference but brains have a way of farting out incorrect information at times when people are typing fast. Something like this blog, I'd expect, if people did comment on my errors, that they'd do it in a kindly and informative manner, as in, "Hey, did you notice you fucking screwed up in that line where you meant to say 'time' but said 'team'?" They might understand that this is a stream-of-consciousness blog and I'm really not doing any editing on the thing until later. I never reread my commentaries after finishing them. But when you get to professional publications where people are being paid for the content, and where other people are being paid for editing that content, I think, by all means, flip the fuck out and call them out on it!

The preceding paragraph was brought to you by Rationalizing My Own Errors In A Way That Still Allows Me To Bust DC's Balls About Theirs.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm is called back to Crime Syndicate Headquarters to work on learning to transmute everything to Kryptonite for Ultraman. That might be where Firestorm is being held since Firestorm has that power and Deathstorm needs to learn it. And the rest of the Justice Leagues and their members are trapped within Firestorm. Power Ring is left to hunt Captain Cold all by himself. But first his ring needs to be charged and Power Ring is afraid of his ring and the way it charges. The ring really is a fucking bully. Power Ring needs to stand up to his bully and refuse to charge it! Can't he see it'll leave him alone once its charge dies? Although maybe that would leave Power Ring in a state of withdrawal. Who knows? Power Ring is a weird guy.

Power Ring demands that Grid send help because he's afraid to be alone with the ring. So Grid does but I don't suppose I'll see who Grid sends until I read Justice League #26. It won't be Johnny Quick and Erotica because they're battling the Doom Patrol. Why am I not reading that story? Why hasn't the Doom Patrol been featured anywhere yet? WHAT IS THE FUCKING HOLDUP? I wonder if The Doom Patrol is just The Chief and eighteen really fucked up clones of Gen-13?

Under Metropolis, Luthor and Pals are trying to find a way up into Wayne Enterprises (Metropolis Division) but Subject B-Zero is afraid of the dark and doesn't want to go any further.

I loved Preboot Bizarro. And now I love Reboot Bizarro!

Luthor and Pals break in only to discover Batman and Catwoman already ripping off Bruce Wayne. It's their first clue that any of Earth's biggest heroes survived the Crime Syndicate's invasion. Before a fight erupts between these soon to be allies, Power Ring and his backup crash through the wall! Power Ring's backup consists of Giganta, Deathstroke, Blockbuster, Copperhead, and Shadow Thief. Because those fuckers are everywhere this month. And maybe last month. And probably the month before.

While Luthor and Pals battle Deathstroke and Friends, Batman decides it's time to become really fucking scary.

Really? A bat? Is that all you can fucking come up with, Batman?

I wasn't reading comic books during all of Green Lantern's Lantern War comics, so I don't know if Batman wore a Yellow Ring then or not. I can't imagine that the chance was missed though. His entire theme is based on putting fear into the hearts of criminals. So who better than Batman to wield a Yellow Ring? Who fucking scarier?!

Also, I really like the simple yet striking change to the costume. Now I want a Sinestro Corps Batman Costume.

Batman's ring only has enough charge for the one bat construct before it conks out. Pretty shitty last stand, Batman! But it does have one other desired effect (I guess?): it attracts the attention of that long lost master of fear, Sinestro! He comes crashing in to beat the shit out of Power Ring. Or something. Who knows why he's back because who the fuck knows where he's been?

Forever Evil #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really enjoying the Forever Evil series. Or at least various parts of it. This was one of those various parts I enjoyed. I was a bit disappointed in Batman's short-lived career in the Sinestro Corps here. Especially since he acted like he was a Red Lantern while wearing the ring. Do Yellow Rings hurt the wearer too if the ring wasn't meant for the person wielding it? It was a nice moment before it continued though! Maybe if Batman had put it on his penis, he would have stood a better chance against Power Ring's snake constructs.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26

The Joker? Is it The Joker! I bet it's The Joker! Oh wait! I recognize that collar! It's Preboot 80s Nightwing!

I just finished my last Fuck You New Year's Resolutions Oreo and now I feel sad. Truly, though, Oreos are pretty awesome. I wonder if the creator sold his soul to Satan for the recipe. Because it was worth it. I bet the cream filling is Satan's Jism. Although if that were the case, sucking off Satan in Hell wouldn't be a bad thing at all. It would be a reward! Can rewards and treats be given out in Hell? I bet they get everyone super excited about snack time as the demons pull them out of the burning lake of shit, remove them from the stakes they've been impaled on, chase the rabid dogs away from their gnawed on bodies. Then they lead them to the cafeteria where they're served the choice between Peeps or a long suck on Satan's dick. Peeps were also a snack item created by a person that sold their soul to Satan. But they didn't want to sell their soul for something delicious. The inventor of Peeps sold their soul to make the moronic and ignorant love the shitty, disgusting, nasty marshmallow snack. Oh, I know, you're thinking, "What?! I love Peeps!" I bet, you moronic and ignorant lost soul. I bet you'd choose a Peep over sucking Satan's dick every time! Idiot!

Meanwhile, Red Hood and the Outlaws begins telling a story from one year ago. That story is when Talia resurrected Jason Todd.

One year ago, hunh? I think that might be slightly off, DC.

I'm glad Bronze Tiger exists in this form in The New 52. All of the young Were-Tigers and Rakshasa's must have been feeling so underrepresented in comic books. It's good to see that they have a role model now.

And then back in the present, Ra's al Ghul is flipping the fuck out on Jason Todd. Shouldn't he be happy that Jason Todd helped restore the Ultimate Lazarus Pit? Wasn't that what Ra's wanted all along? I guess he realized the plan was a good one but that afterward, he'd have to kill Jason Todd since he was mainly Talia's pawn. And Talia has been getting the best of him lately, so Ra's has got to make some kind of move.

It's also possible that I just don't know what the fuck is going on. I've spent a lot of time reading Red Hood and the Outlaws while my mind was on other things, like good comic books and games I'd rather be playing, and masturbating into a street busker's coin cup.

Meanwhile Ducra (more powerful than anybody could ever know now that she's been struck down) and Essence are hanging out beyond the gates of the City of Assassins biding their time. Their time will come after Jason Todd saves the day. Then they, I don't know, bring sandwiches?

Oh Roy. Don't give him false hope. It's not like he's The Goddamned Batman. Besides, he doesn't have a gun!

Jason Todd begins acting sensibly although it's a bit too late for it. The plot device where he got mad at Roy and Starfire because they chose to honor his decision to remove his memories was just total bullshit. A horribly contrived event to split up the group. Because if Jason Todd were intelligent (which I have to assume he isn't after the stories I've read in this comic book series), he would have realized that he knew he was a murderer before losing his memories and that he himself wanted to forget about being a murderer and it's his own stupid amnesiac fault that he didn't trust his own self's decisions. Roy and Kory trusted him more than he trusted himself! Maybe he should have left a note to himself that said, "Don't try to remember, you stupid fuck. Also, Roy and Kory are your friends. You enjoy having sex with them. And Oreos. You love Oreos."

And then Roy Harper tells Jason Todd that he's had the power within him all along to remember his memories! All he has to do is tap his heels three times! And believe! And finger Roy Harper's asshole while sucking his cock. Sorry, Jason Todd! Them's the rules!

Oh look! Now he doesn't want to know what he forgot! Now he trusts his old self! Fuck you, Jason Todd! Fuck you right in your urethra.

Ra's al Ghul prepares to kill Roy and Starfire while Jason watches so Jason decides he'd better remember everything. So he remembers a lot of fighting but no sex. Damn. I was hoping he'd remember fucking people. I suppose the fucking memories won't help him escape now. But maybe remembering some of the stuff Batman taught him will!

And that's what happens! He remembers how to pick locks! I wonder if he also remembered how to masturbate using a room temperature watermelon? It might have helped in this situation!

Ducra is a bit upset for some reason. Apparently Jason Todd wasn't supposed to remember himself yet. Now he's going to save the day his way and not the way she wanted him to save it! I think I liked her plan better because her plan would have resulted in Roy Harper getting killed. Although Starfire would have had to die as well and I don't have anything against her. Oh well. I might even agree to Ted Kord never ever again making an appearance at DC in exchange for never having to read another Roy Harper Narration Box!

Jason Todd begins battling Men-Bats and starts off with the line, "Is that all you've got?" Really, Todd? I might have expected that crap from you when you'd lost your memory but you should know better now! Boring, cliche bullshit. It's possibly the single most predictable and boring thing anybody can ever say whilst playing a game of Monopoly!

Sorry. Had a bit of a Young Ones glitch there.

Next Todd takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels but he explains it while he does it so it doesn't seem as improbable as it really is. See, when he trained under her, she taught him how to defeat her because she's a fucking moron. I mean, yes, technically she taught him how to defeat somebody as skilled as she is. Still a stupid move. Also, if Jason Todd knows that move that takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels, why does he have a problem against anybody ever?

Oh, I see. Because the Crane Kick doesn't work on Weretigers!

It's a good thing Bronze Tiger isn't fighting to win since there are no shortcuts to beating him! He's actually just killing time while Cheshire frees Starfire and Roy because Benji and Jade have decided that they don't want to work for crazy all-powerful Ra's al Ghul. Talia probably gives better benefits and vacation time.

Once Jason and his outlaws are back fighting side by side, he informs them that this has been the plan all along. I'm not sure which plan it's been all along. Probably Talia's plan. He also mentions needing to throw some water on a witch and the only witch in the area is Ducra. Unless he means Ra's but Ra's just soaked in the pool so how does that work? One exposure good; two bad? That's what happened to the Untitled, right? Anyway was Talia's plan to destroy Ducra and possibly her father as well? I think Ducra's plan was to keep Jason Todd an amnesiac so that he would be pure enough to apply the Dragon Punch to Ra's al Ghul and knock the immortality out of him. Essence still doesn't know what the fuck is going on. And Ducra now believes that Jason Todd is about to die. I guess it will all just sort itself out next month.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26 Rating: No change. I just can't wait until this story arc is over because it will leave behind the last vestiges of Scott Lobdell's taint on this story and its characters. Jason Todd has his memory back and the Untitled are gone. Hopefully Ducra will be taken care of next and Essence will go away and join the Teen Titans. And then Tynion can begin writing stories that only deal with the stuff he's begun concerning Talia and Ra's and the League of Assassins.

New Guardians #26

I would doom all futures to save one present with my name on it. I hope it's cookies!

Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris were visiting the most wonderful planet in the universe, a place called Exuras. Well, the place was wonderful until they stuck their noses into its business to find out how it ticks! Now it's quickly becoming one of the worst planets to live on because it's at war with all of its alternative selves which it has been stealing good moments from. Although it's been giving them bad moments in return, so Exuras is probably just going to trade this revolt to some other poor version of itself.

Kyle can't stop the invasion with words even though he tries his hardest before resorting to violence. That means he spent two sentences telling the invaders to go back where they came from. But they don't listen. So what else can he do but beat them soundly? His hands were practically tied!

What is that construct? Is he trying to drive them away using oral sex?

So Kyle can't talk the invaders out of fighting because Kyle sucks at orating. And Kyle can't physically remove the invaders from this timeline because Exuras won't allow any violence. But Evil Nias from Hell seems to have a trick up his sleeve which allows him to cause as much chaos and destruction as he wants. He can control the Exuras Happy Nanos so that the entire structure of the planet is at his control. He and his evil grandfather use the Happy Nanos to turn the Cracked Mirror of Alternate Timeline Viewing into a "Miniature Fourth-Dimensional Fold Mechanism." I think what that means is that all of the repercussions caused by the Exurasans across all of the timelines are now crashing down on Paradise to turn it into a Super Duper Hell. What that also means is that enough power has been diverted that Kyle Rayner can now get back to committing as many violent atrocities as his comic book artist mind can think up.

Judging by the state of comic books, that's a whole lot of atrocity!

I'd be pissed too if someone stole my happy endings. Why the fuck am I paying for this massage then?

All of this could have simply been avoided if the Exurasans hadn't allowed their disgruntled teenagers to stay in the damaged timelines! I'm sure that's how Evil Nias from Hell learned that his timeline had been altered. How else could he know except through an outside observer? Or magic! Or super science that seems like magic! Or divine intervention! I sometimes forget that I'm reading a comic book and so my range of options regarding how something came about are far greater than reality where the only options are God or Allah. No, that's not quite right. The only options are what name you give to the obviously same God of The Book that is making all of your decisions for you and creating the world as you go through miracles and making you a success if you're pious enough or a failure if you're sinful.

Ha ha! Just kidding! The only reason things are the way they are and that things unfold the way they unfold is Ganesha! Who is actually a Buddhist. I think it's okay to worship a god that is of a different religion than you are, right? You can just shake your head and go, "Oh, Ganesha! Remover of obstacles! Creator of everything! You're so silly in your belief of Buddha! Have you no self-confidence or self-esteem?" Or you just get online and type, "smh," because you're opinion is obviously so much better than Ganesha's that it's almost too ridiculous to even have to respond. But you have to respond to show everybody that your opinion is so much wiser and more advanced than everybody else's (including a god's!) that all you can manage is a shake of your head.

Usually I can figure out internet acronyms from context but "smh" was one of the few that I eventually had to look up way back whenever I finally got sick of reading it as "suck my hard-on" or "stuff Mister Horse" or "stab my head."

While Kyle and Carol battle against Evil Nias from Hell and his army, The Bohemian Guardians believe they've figured out how to save Exuras. They head to the Cracked Mirror of Viewing where Evil Nias from Hell's Grandfather is busy writing code in the air. Instead of beating him to a pulp, maybe they'll help him return all of the timelines to normal. That might leave Exuras in an awkward state of imperfection but at least it will que sera what it was supposed to sera.

Or the Bohemian Guardians will get Nias to have sex with his grandfather! That will create some kind of time paradox, right?

Also, and I say this as someone that doesn't give a fucking fuck about Style Handbooks and Chicago and all that shit, but I would have added an "s" after the apostrophe in "Nias'". Nobody would ever say, "It's not our fight. It's Nias'." Everyone in the universe would say "Nias's." And if you're hearing that extra "s", you should acknowledge it, no matter what the fascists in Chicago might say!

Kyle battles Evil Nias from Hell while also trying to engage him in a debate about why he shouldn't be so angry about his dead family and his dead friends and his dead world. Kyle's argument amounts to "It's no excuse." Right. He can be angry all he wants. But how dare he express that anger at the people that caused his world to be a flaming pit of putrescence and flame?

This story is beginning to feel a bit like an allegory about America! I think Justin Jordan must be a Communist Sympathizer! How dare he point out that America's successes and luxuries rely on the poverty and ruination of multiple other countries (and timelines!)?! America is successful because we work hard and have bootstraps! If your country (or timeline!) wanted to be successful, maybe you shouldn't have sent all of your cheaply made bootstraps to us! Keep some for yourselves, stupids! Just because we've gotten amazingly fat and extremely wealthy on the suffering of other people in this world is no excuse to attack us! Violence is just plain wrong! How dare you! You could have calmly and rationally explained to us how we're hurting the rest of the world by our excesses and how we should learn to sacrifice just a little bit so that everyone's "hell is lessened" (that's a quote from last issue!). I mean, I suppose you may have been shouting at us for decades while we shopped and ignored you and drowned you out with our chanting of "USA! USA! USA!" But crashing planes into our buildings? No excuse for that, you assholes. You thought you knew suffering before when we were just pretending you weren't there? Well now we've noticed you! And we have bombs! That should shut you all up so we can get back to our video games. Jerks.

As America's (or Canada's (but really, what's the difference? They're just piggy-backing on our greed and success and threatening demeanor) greatest Russian writer Ayn Rand would say, "The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me." That's the most Ayn Rand I've ever read and it was on a t-shirt from Forever 21. What a classy store.

Well, duh, Good Nias! That's the entire fucking playbook! We are righteous and moral; they are heathens, monsters, and the most profligate sinners the world has ever (or will ever!) know!

Good Nias's Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather explains that he didn't want war and death and disaster. He just wanted his shit back! But come on, you naive bastard! What did you expect? Why would somebody steal your shit and then graciously give it back? You already know that they're ignorant dickheads because they callously stole from you in the first place. You knew you wouldn't get your time back by asking politely over a nice cup of space tea. So forget about what you wanted and just get to fixing things already before all the Exurasans across all times and spaces are killed!

The Guardians and Good Nias and Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather close the portal after Star Sapphire shoves the invaders back through it. Kyle stops Evil Nias and then lectures Good Nias about how evil he's been. And he gives the Exurasans an ultimatum: "Make this right. Or I will." Jesus. It always comes down to threats and violence, doesn't it, Kyle?!

Kyle does make a good point at the end though. The Exurasans had the technology to keep their planet a perpetual paradise. They also had the technology to visit other timelines and leave people behind. But, Kyle points out, they never thought about giving the Happy Nanos to the other timelines to help make their worlds better? Kind of a dick move. "Hey, we've got these things that make everybody happy! And we owe it all to you guys in your shitty timelines. Here, have a few disgruntled teenagers as payment!" Jerks.

Who knew Carol and I had so much in common!

New Guardians #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I still don't really have any kind of emotional attachment to Kyle Rayner but I'm enjoying this comic book anyway. I think having Carol as an additional character in this book works really well. I like seeing her as a teammate and a confidant as opposed to a love interest that's always getting dumped on by Hal. I think she can really shine in this book as long as Justin Jordan refrains from turning Kyle and Carol's relationship into a romantic one. Can male and female co-workers never be just, you know, co-workers? The fact that I even have to ask that question and worry about the story taking that turn is telling. Why do writers feel that if a character is female, romance has to be included somewhere? I suppose because the female characters have long been used simply as the foil for the main, male character. So their sole role was that of romantic interest to the male. I think one of the reasons I enjoy Worlds' Finest so much (besides the friendship between The Huntress and Power Girl which is good stuff) is that they're two female leads that have their own agendas and lives. And Karen is a lot like Bruce Wayne in that she's a powerful business leader that loves sex but isn't interested in pursuing a relationship. Sure, she dated Mister Terrific for a bit but she was only using him to get her hands on his cock and his technology. So in closing my commentary on Green Lantern: New Guardians, I highly recommend Worlds' Finest!

Birds of Prey #26

Hopefully this is the issue in which Uplink becomes a Bird of Prey and changes her name to something bird-like. Then I can level back up to Master Comic Book Reader!

Last issue, we learned how Black Canary became a part of Team 7. We did not learn how Condor somehow got his head caught beneath the wheels of semi-truck. That sounds a bit risqué, doesn't it? Not the entire sentence. Just the phrase "semi-truck." We also did not learn how Condor got his penis caught in the office shredder at the annual Christmas Party. Nor did we learn how Condor suffered from a massive bout of food poisoning and died in a gas station men's room choking on the fumes made by his own asshole. We did not learn how Condor was curb stomped by the Hate Admirers, Gotham's all-singing, all-dancing gang of violent street thugs who don't actually hate anything, they just "love too well." Also, they don't curb stomp him on purpose. He just happens to be passed out in the gutter in the wrong place and the wrong time. Well, wrong if he didn't intend to get curb stomped. We did not learn how Condor broke his neck trying to spend a few quiet minutes auto-fellating himself nor did we learn how he wound up asphyxiating in the belt hanging off the backside of his closet door. We did not learn any of these things that would have allowed me to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Instead I sat broken and weeping in front of a television blaring out God's Good Word on some digital station that was so backwater it needed five decimal places. Weeping because Condor still existed and he was still shitting all over the Birds of Prey comic book.

As far as things that actually happened on paper and not in my mind, Black Canary discovered that she hadn't ever actually gotten her husband Kurt killed and that he was alive and serving Regulus, leader of Basilisk. He didn't know he was serving Regulus though. Kurt was in a medically induced coma blasting his super power on a high frequency and keeping everybody in the area from using their super powers. I wonder if comic book cryogenic chambers have an automated bed pan system or if they just put the occupants in diapers?

Like? Like what? Like every five year old shoved out of the car on their first day of kindergarten?

If Kurt Lance was resurrected using Waller's Samsara project, that means he's going to explode, right? I guess that would mean a shitload of DC Characters would start exploding, beginning with Harley Quinn and Deadshot, so I guess that whole exploding thing is a side effect that doesn't always happen but is a real enough concern to shut down that stupid project which I'll never have to hear about again. Who at DC decided it would be a great idea to give Amanda Waller the power to resurrect people so that the Suicide Squad loses the main reason that makes it one of the few comic books that have ever had any real consequences? That was possibly the worst idea put forth in The New 52. Not even having Scott Lobdell write several books with young characters was as bad as the Samsara editorial decision. I know, I know. Everybody has their own pet peeve about the worst thing DC did in The New 52. But you're all wrong. Emotionally, you might feel right and vindicated in the anger you have against something DC did to whatever character. But on a completely objective and not at all based on my own emotions wrapped up in Ostrander's Suicide Squad being perhaps my favorite non-Vertigo DC book ever, the Samsara Project was the most destructive decision to any of DC's franchises. The Suicide Squad might as well have been renamed The Slightly Inconvenienced Squad.

Meanwhile, Batgirl and Strix have found themselves facing off against Regulus's team of misfits who may or may not have a group name. Possibly they're the New 52 version of The Masters of Disaster. I should probably remember their individual names as well but Zero Year was last month which means I didn't get a quick refresher on the characters in this thing when I reread my Birds of Prey #25 Commentary a few minutes ago. But their names don't matter anyway! The only thing to keep in mind is that nobody can use their super powers. Which puts Strix and Batgirl at a serious advantage over theses Metas. And since a Talon's regenerative ability is Super Science and not a Super Power, she can still get her head cut off with no worries.

Just because look at how stupid he is, I HATE YOU, CONDOR!

Now, I've hated Condor since he was introduced. And my hatred of Condor may or may not have been irrational. He's a scrotal parasite with a really shitty costume and an inexplicable and sudden love of Dinah Lance. This is a comic book with a bunch of characters I don't really fucking care about (thanks to Swierczynski's awful beginning to his series), so maybe I should be happy that I'm just feeling something! But Starling was just a drunk that couldn't aim her gun and would spout off standard one liners. Black Canary has just been confused and lost. Strix is boring and could really use a fucking pad of paper and a Sharpie. Batgirl just drops in on occasion to keep sales up. Hell, Katana was the most interesting part of this team before she wandered off to suck horribly in her own series. And then Condor arrives and he's just worse than every character I'm already not into! So I hated him with a passion so pure that I think I figured out how to sustain a fusion reaction. So sure, I may not have had a very good reason, intellectually, to hate him. Until now.

He's an abusive asshole!

Now, in theory, I'm not against hitting a person just because she's a woman (in reality, I'm against hitting people at all! Although I'm kind of on the fence about dogs). This is a comic book and Tsiklon is a bad guy and Condor and the Birds of Prey are trying to stop the "bad guys" from whatever crazy terrorist plot they're hatching which began with kidnapping Black Canary and Condor. Heroes and Villains hit each other all the time in comic books. It's a thing. It's a staple of the genre. It happens. But that isn't what's happening here at all! Forget that Tsiklon lost her powers so now it is just a big man punching a woman. Still acceptable in comic book terms! Maybe not appetizing but acceptable. So why is this abuse rather than just comic book violence? First off, he uses her real name. Secondly, she says he would never hit a woman and he agrees. But then he hits her and says that he'll make an exception for her. He isn't hitting her because he's stopping a villain or saving the day. He's punching her because of their past relationship and their history together. He's found it acceptable to punch her in the face because of how he perceived she treated him in their relationship. This is abuse. Condor, as I've stated before, is a fucking jerko.

Hmm, I wonder if "jerko" wasn't harsh enough?

Meanwhile Black Canary pulls the plug on Kurt Lance. It doesn't kill him though, it just wakes him up to incredible pain. Also, he reverses his power! Now nobody can use their power not because they've lost it but because they've lost all control over their powers. They've just gotten a shot of Five Hour Kurt Lance Drink. Main ingredient: semen.

That's what she said!

I wonder if the people that went around constantly saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World were disgruntled by the surge in popularity of the phrase with people saying "That's what she said" due to Michael Scott from The Office being one of those people that constantly went around saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World?

With everyone's powers out of control, Batgirl and Strix are still the ones with the advantage! Everybody kind of takes themselves out of the fight when their powers go wild, leaving Batgirl and Strix to continue searching for Black Canary. But Black Canary is trying her hardest not to scream everybody into oblivion. I bet the only way to stop her is to shove some indestructible thing into her mouth to block her from screaming!

Dammit. Now I can't get the image of Strix straddling Dinah's face.

Or maybe that won't have to happen. Dammit. Apparently Dinah can still control her powers better than the others.

So what's the difference between blowing somebody up into the sky with her voice and simply making their head explode? The pitch? The tone? Screaming from the diaphragm?

"Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know! It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!"

That was going through my head while scanning the previous panel so I had to vomit it out through my fingers and into your brain.

Batgirl climbs through the hole conveniently made by Regulus to find Black Canary and knock her unconscious with a Sleeper Hold. And it's absolutely perfect!

Batgirl hooks Kurt Lance back up to the medical equipment because she's an expert having been in a hospital for so long after she broke her back in that hilarious skiing accident. I guess everybody loses their powers once Kurt is hooked back up to the machines. Luckily none of them plummet to their deaths because they were flying too high. I think. I'm pretty sure nobody is going to die. Even stupid flying characters like Condor or Condor.

Although Condor can still fly because he saves Strix from plummeting down a mountain when she tackles Regulus off of the tower. He falls down into the mist and, presumably, to not his death. But Condor flies Strix back to safety because either Batgirl hooked Kurt up to the medical equipment wrong or Condor can glide with his stupid purple costume and not just fly with his telekinesis.

Oh wait! The last page explains it!

Ha ha! In your heartbroken face, Condor!

Birds of Prey #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was better than most. I'm still not a fan of this team since I can't pinpoint any reason for the team to exist. What is Black Canary trying to accomplish? Did she just form the team because that's what you do when you have a super power? And even though Condor didn't die, I was happy to see his stupid heart get hurt! Ha ha! I think I've called too many things "stupid" during this commentary. But I can't help it! I'm being unduly influenced by my hatred for Condor!

P.S. Do postscripts apply to written pieces like this?

P.P.S. I hope next issue Uplink comes out of the shadows to seek asylum with the Birds before they head back to Gotham. I suppose they still need a ride home. Perhaps the Convenient Man is lurking behind the medical machinery to offer them a jet ride back to Gotham and Batgirl's Batcycle. I wonder if Barbara refers to her menstrual cycle as her Batcycle? I wonder if Batman refers to his semen as his Batgoo? As in, "Sorry I got Batgoo all over your Catsuit, Catwoman." Or, "Hey Alfred, can you get the Batgoo stains out of the inside of my Batsuit? I had a tussle with Poison Ivy and she pulled that move where she clamps her thighs down over my face. I mean, normally I wouldn't find that sexual in the least! But she filled me with Plant Pheromones or something."

Wonder Woman #26

I imagine a high percentage of people on Earth are making this face today.

Since The First Born brought up bowel movements, haven't we all had the occasional one of these moments? Where, for some reason, your waste has decided to hang about the colon for just a day or two longer than it normally would, drying up a bit, getting harder and sharper, adding to its mass with the new waste that's come along the turnpike to wonder what the fucking hold up is? I don't think I really had one of these moments until I went veggie and my body was still getting used to what was going on. I'm sure my body was perplexed that suddenly so much of what I was eating was useful to it. It suddenly had options! Instead of two paths the "nutrients" could go down (fat cells or waste tract), stuff was being parceled out to all points in my body! Sickly cells were lining up to get a bundle of emergency food they'd gone without for thirty years! I occasionally get the hard stool although nothing quite like that first time where I found myself lying on the floor of a friend's bathroom in a fetal position clawing at my anus and wondering if now would be a good time to start asking Jesus for favors. But you know what's been more rare than hard stools? The messy ones! Wiping has mostly become a formality. One or two sheets just to show nothing remained on board and I'm out of there.

Although now that I've basically become a Flexitarian sometime last year, I'm wondering if that will change. Maybe if I add more vodka to my diet, I can really fuck up my bathroom routine! I've probably read over one hundred less books than I normally would have due to the amount of time I don't spend on the toilet now.

Should I talk about the New Year and how weird it is that we arbitrarily pick a point during the Earth's course to mark a beginning and an ending? If it were up to me, I'd have chosen April 3rd. Also, just so I don't even have to think about New Year's Resolutions (I never make them anyway), I decided to give a great big fucking middle finger to the whole idea and promptly went out to buy a package of Oreos to eat all by myself. Unless that's a New Year's Resolution? Defiantly eat more shit! That's actually a pretty good one!

This issue begins with Wesley Willis on a Hell Ride.

But it looks like Cassandra and the Gnolls are going to be joining him on the bus in a second.

You know what I need to learn how to do? Self-promote! Why aren't I trying to make money by reading books? Don't people pay people to read books? I don't mean pay to review them! I just mean pay me by the word! Let me sit in my backyard with piles and piles of books while I rake in the cash! Also, if I can get a bonus for eating Oreos, that would be great too.

I forgot that Wesley Willis was a good friend of Orion's. No wonder Orion took off so quickly to Chernobyl when he heard Milan was in trouble. Orion isn't much help because Cassandra threatens to blow Milan's head off unless he surrenders. But Hermes and Diana and Siracca arrive just behind him. Except above Cassandra's hideout because Hermes apparently can't teleport underground.

Meanwhile back in London, Strife annoys Zola.

Oh! Here's a good New Year's Resolution! Stop writing so much! If I don't have anything to say, don't say anything! Just type enough so that I can remember what was happening from month to month. If I just ignore the fact that other people are reading this blog, I can stop worrying about trying to be entertaining! Maybe I can finish a post in under an hour and then get back to working on writing projects that will actually make me money! I'm almost done with my next project, a book of poetry written by one of my fictional characters and called "The Chicken By the Gate." The book is already written. I just have to do a bunch of drawings and the layout, then decide what kind of paper I want to print it on (low quality, recycled shit that barely looks like it's holding together is my first thought), and then start selling it! Limited signed and numbered! Possibly of such high quality that I might become the next Poet Laureate of the United States!

Okay, so the fight back in Chernobyl! All hellrides are breaking loose so Cassandra just yanks the blindfold from Milan's head so that he can see where the First Born is being kept. Are there flies in Olympus? Can Milan see through the eyes of the Lord of the Flies? Which Olympic God is the God of Flies? Probably War, right? Oh! So that means Milan will see himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes as he sees himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes and so on and so forth forever Amen.

Oh good. There are some flies by The First Born. That could have been confusing.

Milan refuses to tell Cassandra where The First Born is. I don't know why he would refuse. The First Born is in the hands of Apollo! I think Apollo, King of the Gods, should be able to keep Cassandra from recovering him. It's too bad Cassandra's voice is fucked up because then she could tell herself where she'll encounter The First Born some time in the future and then just head to that location and wait it out. Although, I suppose with her power, she wouldn't believe herself anyway.

Once Diana realizes what Cassandra wants, she pipes up and says, "Oh! Why didn't you just say so! I just came from Olympus where The First Born was busy sucking Apollo's dick and shining his shoes." Cassandra plants a bomb on Milan and takes off. While Orion and his sled-robot, A4, try to figure out which wire to cut, Milan chastises Diana for putting the lives of others over their feelings.

Well, sorry the fucking fuck! I guess you'll just have to live with feeling useless! As opposed to not feeling useless or anything else at all forever for that matter.

Well now you've made Diana feel useless for saving your life, Milan! What a jerko! And now if the bomb explodes because Orion is too much of a stupid head to disarm it, she's going to live with those being your last words to her ever! And she'll be sad! While you won't have to deal with her sadness because you're splattered all over her face. Just think how much she'll cry due to your brains getting in her eyes. And also after she rinses out her eyes too because you were so mean.

I wish Condor would guest star in this comic book. Has anybody ever created a better, more vibrant character than Condor from Birds of Prey?! *sigh* *heart flutter*

Orion takes Milan to New Genesis where they can do anything with technology. So they'll probably save Milan's life.

When Diana gets back to London, she finds that Zola and Zeke have left because Strife put it into Zola's mind that she was causing the deaths of all of her friends as they tried to protect her. Seems like a stupid move to me. If gods are being killed around her, what chance does she and her baby have of surviving for very long? And when has Wonder Woman ever picked up a note from somebody that didn't want her help (even though they needed her help) and went, "Oh, okay. I guess I should respect this other person's wishes even though they'll probably die!" I mean, she just showed Milan she can't fucking do that! I'm confused though. Is that a weakness or a strength of character?

In the London Underground (Londerground?), Zola meets up with Dionysus. She just thinks it's a person she once met at a bar although she should really know better. I don't think she's met one person that isn't a god since she left Kansas! Or wherever she used to live. Oh well. I guess she'll die next issue and a new story arc will begin! Except Zeke can't die because he's Zeus. Bah, I guess this story will just have to keep going!

Wonder Woman #26 Rating: No change. I'm pretty excited that I only have three more New 52 comics left in my stack from 2013 although, technically, two others came out last week and are still sitting in my comic book box. And I think sixteen more came out yesterday! Geez, DC! Can't you give me a break?!

Oh! I forgot to point out that this cover was a total lie! The First Born never once takes a shit!

Supergirl #26

Why the fuck did Twat Lobo have to come and ruin this comic book?!

I was so upset by the filth and bilge and other words meaning filth and bilge during my last commentary that I forgot to end with a shot of Supergirl's Bum! I can't remember the last time I forgot to do that! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! Keep your filthy fingers out of my Supergirl!

Oh, while I'm fantasizing speaking with Scott Lobdell, I should ask him one more question! Why haven't you Tweeted since you were exposed as a horny horned-person that can't stop talking about the vagina of the woman sitting next to you to the woman sitting next to you on a public panel? Are you going to delete yet another Twitter Account?! I MISS YOU!

So, Supergirl! It's almost a new year! What are you going to do with it?! My guess is first you're going to visit a Luffa Farm and pick the biggest, sturdiest Luffa Fruit from the most glorious Luffa Tree of them all. You'll take it down (I'm assuming Luffa's come right off the tree ready to go to work!), soak it in a vat of Hydrochloric Acid (you'll probably want a hardy acid but not one that's too strong! Use one they actually let Junior High School kids work with!), and take a nice, long shower, scrubbing the taint of The Return of Krypton from your beautiful, Mahmud Asrar-drawn booty. After your done, you'll probably get out of the shower, towel off, look in the mirror, and, hopefully, be greeted by your beautiful, lithe, supple Yildiray Cinar body! If I remember correctly, he drew a pretty fucking hot Swamp Thing. So fingers crossed!

My "friend" Doom Bunny wanted to make sure that I credit him for coming up with "Twat Lobo." First off, if that's true, it's not exactly the Theory of Relativity. I suppose if I were also a parent living in a suburban wasteland who puts up Christmas-themed inflatables in my yard during the holidays, I'd be pretty fucking proud of every tiny pseudo-creative accomplishment I could grasp. I asked my lawyers what I should do and they responded with "Ergo Cognitor Sum blah blah blah fuck you." I don't speak legalese but I'm not sure I like the tone of that response. Whatever. Fine. Doom Bunny came up with the term "Twat Lobo." Congratulations! Good job! You're a fucking genius, Robot-Man! Not to be confused with Cliff Steele, Robotman. Oh man. Hey lawyers? Do I have to worry about DC suing me?

Oh shit. I forgot that Twat Lobo's catchphrase was the rallying cry of every young, racist narcissist on Twitter: "Sorry not sorry." But Tony Bedard is writing Twat Lobo as opposed to Marguerite Bennett, so maybe that won't carry over. Please don't let that carry over. Please.

The issue begins in Bangkok. Hee hee. I bet nobody in any American High School ever learns anything about the history of Bangkok because what teacher is going to continually try to say the name of that place multiple times in one class period? It would start a riot!

Silly Twat Lobo. I want a bowl of Trix.

Twat Lobo is a bit upset with his employer (whose name is either Rhialla or Sugar) because she gave him that old intelligence. That sounds like a Frank Sinatra song. "That Old Intelligence." No wait. Maybe I meant an Art Garfunkel song. Which one is the guy that paints happy trees on PBS? Oh! Bob Ross! That's what I meant. It sounds like a Bob Ross song. Twat Lobo would really, really, really (hmm, maybe not that much forget that last "really") like to kill her but she has a contract that forbids him from killing his employer and you know Twat Lobo, right kids?! He always honors a contract!

I wonder how many brainstorming sessions DC had to come up with Twat Lobo's look? If Twat Lobo is supposed to look tough, it really makes me wonder about DC's image of kids today. Is Twat Lobo the type of person they'd avoid when walking down a dark alley? Because Old Lobo was! But if I passed Twat Lobo while walking down a dark alley (you know, like I do all of the time while engaging in perfectly legal activities (well, legal in most of the non-southern states)), I'd probably think, "I wonder what venue that guy is playing tonight?" or I'd say, "You've got a little blue something on your face. Right there. No, there. Here. There. Yeah, almost. No, over more. That's it!"

Twat Lobo is having difficulty finding The Real Deal Lobo because The Real Deal Lobo has either been transported to the Maroon Timeline or been killed by Deathstroke. I think the Maroon Timeline is the least ridiculous possibility because that timeline is more real in The New 52 than any story written by Rob Liefeld.

Twat Lobo's employer is going to send him to a new source that she's worked with before: a human that isn't entirely human anymore! And that person is...(umm, probably)...

Doctor Nakamura! I mean, Doctor Hansen! No, no! It's Doctor Truth, The Everything Scientist!

It looks like Dr. Veritas's lab is so hard to get to (being in the center of the Earth) that other Earth scientists can only visit by sending their consciousnesses down into clones of Dr. Veritas. Maybe she just steals their minds, leaving a Charlie-like replacement on the surface, desperately trying to solve mazes before a rat does.

Supergirl tells Dr. Veritas what has happened to her recently. It's like a great, awful but needed purge of everything horrible that has sat in her bowels for a week needing to be expelled. She gives an account of her H'el on Earth time and her Krypton Returns adventure in one big double-page splash that will, hopefully, be the last we ever hear about that bullshit. There, there, Supergirl. It's over now. Scott Lobdell can't hurt you now.

Twat Lobo treats his source like shit so she rats him out to Dr. Veritas. Veritas mentions to Supergirl that Twat Lobo is a Czarnian, a nearly extinct race. Hey! Remember when Liefeld had the Thanagarians battling the Czarnians! Ha ha. He and his editors were stupid jerks! That's like DC History 101! Unless I'm wrong somehow and there was probably some kind of explanation that explained it all. But that's so improbable as to be nearly impossible! Me? Wrong? Pshaw!

Wait a second! Rhialla said Twat Lobo is coming for you, Shay! Why are you automatically assuming Supergirl is going to protect you? You just got done basically telling her you aren't even her friend!

When Twat Lobo meets Supergirl, he Narration Boxes, "Well, frag me runnin'...." So Twat Lobo still says "Frag!" I think Bennett was really trying to get away from all his old-school slang terms but it looks like Bedard just can't help himself. At least he hasn't been sorry not sorry yet!

Whoops. I spoke too fucking soon. Sorry. Totally sorry.

Stupid Twat Lobo and his sorry not sorry bullshit! I had the perfect caption for that panel before I had to mention that I spoke too soon! It was brilliant! Utter genius! And then I couldn't use it. But I'll tell it to you now because it's comedy gold! Here it is! Ready? "You're a Zerellian Razor-ape!"

Oh, I forgot to mention that, once again, Supergirl decides not to punch somebody in the face when she meets them! This is the second time in her life she's decided to forgo immediate violence and, once again, it's finally one of those times she should have come out punching. She's not very good with first impressions. But she changes her tune pretty quickly and breaks Twat Lobo's skinny neck with her next punch.

You would think that if Dr. Veritas cared about Kara at all, the first thing she would have told her was to be careful because a Czarnian's best, hottest, tightest, boner-inducing feature is their regenerative abilities.

Yay! Jennifer Lopez guest stars next issue! Speaking of which, am I the only person in the world that actually liked Jersey Girl?

Supergirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking because Supergirl is the cutest thing ever and she just broke Twat Lobo's neck. I know it won't take but it was still an enjoyable moment. Also when Kara punched him super hard, a bit of blood shot out of his mouth. I wonder if Twat Lobo still has his power to make another Twat Lobo from every drop of his twat blood? That would be the besterest!

This was the only shot of her bum in the whole issue! And it might just be her shadow's bum! Sure, there were some nice side butt shots featuring one well-muscled cheek but it felt like cheating using one of those.

Batman and Two-Face #26

OMG! Batman IS Two-Face! I knew the whole Bruce Wayne thing was a sham.

So in previous issues of Batman and Robin, a really convoluted plot was taking place involving Two-Face and Erin McKillbody and Bruce Wayne and Matches Malone and Commissioner Gordon and the Batsignal and Batman and Harvey Dent. But not Robin. Which is why the comic book isn't called Batman and Robin anymore. Somebody at DC really needs to fix that already!

What the fuck am I saying? When have I ever wanted more Robin?! I must be in a really fragile place. I wonder which corner would be the best to cry in?

No, no! I won't give in to the pure bliss of despair brought on by the understanding and acceptance of the finality of death and an empty package of Oreo Cookies. We must continue the daily struggle of existence no matter how difficult it may seem! Well, I guess we don't have to. Which is why I recommend everybody should own fish. Because then no matter how much you may want it to end, you'll always have that last niggling thought in the back of your mind: "But who's going to feed the fish?" And then you realize, they're just fish. They won't live forever. You can probably tough it out until the fish die before flushing yourself down the toilet. And by the time the fish do die, you'll probably have a much cheerier outlook on life. Or, at the very least, more fish.

Actually, I would never own fish. To me, the amount of work they take to keep alive versus the amount of payoff they give back to me is the worst fun to work ratio in the world of pet ownership. Cats have the highest fun to work ratio because they practically take care of themselves. You can't think "Who will feed the cat?" to keep yourself from committing suicide because after you die, guess what? You'll still be feeding the cat! Nasty little monsters!

I just looked at my cats and scowled, "Don't you dare eat Daddy!"

I almost opened the comic book to begin reading and my first thought was, "I wonder if Bruce Wayne and Erin McKilleverbody have had sex yet?"

Hmm. According to this page, they might have just?

Erin doesn't appreciate being sprung from prison and forced to live in a gigantic mansion with great food and surly butler service. She'd rather take her chances in Gotham facing off against Harvey Dent and whatever stupid goons have decided that a life of crime as a madman's underling is better than welfare and unemployment or a job at Taco Bell.

There's a flashback that back flashes even further back than the previous bashflackers. This time Shannon McKillagain gets her first on-panel appearance. I think. Anyway, she and her sister (remember her? Erin!) are in jail serving a 25 to life sentence and they believe it's because Harvey Dent did some unethical and illegal things during the case. Not pedophilia or credit card fraud! But some lawyer thing that lawyers aren't allowed to do with other lawyers. Sodomy, maybe? Short story shorter, Erin wants revenge! I wonder if she'll get it?

Oh yeah! She does! These stories being told backwards leave me so confused!

But Shannon and Erin come up with a plan so they can escape prison!

Although only one of them gets to do it alive.

It seems they could have come up with a better plan than one of them killing themselves to cause a distraction. Perhaps the guard that is helping them to escape, the one whose son needs a life-saving surgery, needs an organ which is why one of them had to die to be a donor. Otherwise I'd try a few other plans first like smearing feces on the wall or pretending my head is stuck in the toilet.

As the story continues, I see what's going on. They're twins! Erin is going to escape in a body bag! Hmm, I still would have tried some other things first.

Erin leaves Wayne Manor but not before Bruce Wayne tells her that story about the wolves fighting in the dream and the feeding of the one over the other. Oh, you know the story! You've probably seen it going about Facebook at some point in the last few years. That's probably where Bruce heard it. Alfred posted it on his wall on his Facebook page with a note, "Good thing you were rich enough to feed both, right Master Bruce? LOL!"

Once Erin leaves Wayne Manor (with Battracking Signal, of course!), her cousin betrays her and leaves her at Harvey's wife's grave. Where Harvey is waiting for her. Why can't these two just call it even?! Shannon's dead, Gilda's dead, both of their lives are in complete shambles. Does everybody have to have the last word? You know what Gandhi said: "Everybody having to have the last word leaves the whole word speechless." Or something. Maybe it was something else about eyes. And maybe it was Marilyn Monroe or Buddha who said it.

This is exactly like the alternate ending to Of Mice and Men where George gives up Lenny to the angry mob because he didn't learn the shoot your own dog lesson!

That "VRRRRR" at the end of the page must mean that The Goddamned Batman is arriving! Even though he ordered the Batcycle to go into "silent running." I guess it can only keep silent before it can't contain itself anymore.

Batman arrives in time to keep Two-Face from being gunned down by all of Keiron's men. Batman manages to defeat them all (of course he does!) while pinning Erin to a tree and Two-Face to a statue. But Two-Face pulls out the comic book physics and blasts the marble statue in half with his machine gun allowing himself to escape and causing the statue to fall on Batman, trapping him in a grave. Now that only Erin and Two-Face are left, I suppose they'll be talking out their problems next issue.

Batman and Two-Face #26 Rating: No change. All these advertisements for the Arrow television show composed of topless men with amazing bodies keep fooling me into thinking that the Milk: It Does a Body Good ad campaign is back. I suppose it's better than the television show stealing that other, ubiquitous milk ad campagin: Got Arrow? Or maybe, Got Loser? Got Boring Ass Fuckturd With A Bow And Arrow? I have yet to watch the show although it is on my Netflix Queue (along with about 499 other shows and movies) but I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch it. I just can't accept my Ollie without the stupid facial hair! I know he's much younger in the show but it takes place in Seattle, right?! And Seattle is just like Portland except sexier and in better shape, right? And just about every young idiot here in Portland has stupid fucking facial hair! So come on, Ollie! Get to growing that shit!