Superman Unchained #4

Without a public identity, how can Superman fight knock-off uses of his trademark?

Tonight on Jeopardy, one of the categories was "Country's Lowest Point" and my first thought was "World War II. What is Germany?" And then "Assassination of JFK. What is the U.S.?" Turns out, as you all realized immediately, it was a geography category. By the way, the final Jeopardy category was Video Game History. The question was What is the Legend of Zelda? The third place guy answered, "What is Zelda?" and by the look of the first place guy's face when Trebek said that was wrong, you knew he'd fucked it up as well. I laughed and pointed and yelled, "Ha ha! Loser jerks!" as I sat on my couch in my underwear covered in potato chip crumbs.

But now that I have more clothes and less crumbs on, I'm ready to talk smart about Superman! My definition and your definition of smart might vary dramatically.

Currently, Lex Luthor has kidnapped Jimmy Olsen because Lex Luthor needs an audience for his super villain speech where he reveals his evil plan to defeat Superman. Once, dressed as Captain Cold, I gave my very own death to the superhero speech to a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing The Flash's costume. I had a gun loaded with silly string pointed at him as he was tied to a stool on the backyard deck of my evil ice lair. It was maniacal! It was glorious! It was filled with doomsday and laughter and, most likely, sweet ass ice puns! And finally I pulled the trigger and a limp trail of silly string came out and tumbled just shy of his little body as the gun ran out of ammunition because I had been wasting it all night in my drunken revelry! I shook the gun, tried again, and nothing. So there was only one thing left to do. I stretched my arms out to the sky, looked up to the gathering clouds, and screamed, "NOOOOOOO!" Seriously. True story.

Here I am early in the evening when I felt unstoppable. Next to me is one of Professor Ivo's early attempts at a Wonder Woman robot. I think. It might simply have been Professor Ivo in drag.

So Lex Luthor is hopefully going to have more luck with his plans to kill Superman than I had with my plans to kill The Flash. But Jimmy Olsen isn't just a witness to the scheme; he's also a part of it! Lex Luthor has some crazy ass hand-stamping device in which he's probably going to inject Kryptonite into Jimmy's hand so that when Jimmy next gives Clark Kent a hand job, it will kill him. Fucking A. That's an awesome plan.

Meanwhile Wraith and Superman are fucking around in Tokyo fighting robots. How come Japan has never had a national super hero named Pachinko? I really think it's about time. In fact, it's so obvious, I bet they already have one but I've just never heard of her! After Superman and Wraith save Tokyo, Superman is going to have to sit Wraith down and have a talk with him about his name. What kind of a heroic name is Wraith? Seriously, that's bad guy nomenclature. Although Wraith has already threatened to kill Superman later so I guess it isn't an actual surprise to anybody. Plus Wraith works for the military and they have no idea how to name stuff so that it doesn't sound like they're about to curbstomp your country's capital in fifteen different ways.

While fighting the Russian Spider Robots, Superman takes a Super-bullet in his right shoulder and right ass cheek. Well, at least he'll be able to show Lois one of those scars. Although Jimmy will get to see them both right before he accidentally kills him.

So it seems everybody has been developing weapons specifically to kill Superman. What a bunch of thankless assholes. First the American Military develops Black Hole Bullets that suck Yellow Sun Energy out of Superman so the bullets can wound him. Then Lex Luthor develops Kryptonite Hand Implants so Clark's "friend" can kill him. And now the Russians have developed Spider Robots that shoot bullets which emit Red Sun Energy to soften Superman's ass just before they hit him. What the fuck is everybody's problem with Superman? I can understand wanting to kill that asshole Batman. But Superman? He's like a gigantic flying kitten that keeps people from accidentally dying. Anybody who wants to kill that is just a psychopath! I guess calling Lex Luthor, the American Military, and the Russian Government "psychopaths" isn't exactly making a bold statement, is it?

Lex Luthor is taking an awful long time to tell Jimmy Olsen that Jimmy Olsen will wind up being the murderer of Superman. I suppose it's because The Art of the Reveal of the Villainous Plan is almost exactly like Origami.

Meanwhile in Nova Scotia, the Magic Man with the Blue Kryptonite hands it over to Lois instead of Superman because he also believes Superman will soon be dead. Did everybody get an email that Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and I weren't privy to? Also also, The Shard isn't actually Blue Kryptonite. It must be the Kryptonite from Wraith's world. Which would make it Lead because Wraith is probably a Daxamite. Except it's obviously a crystal shard and Wraith would have been dead a long time ago when the military stuck him in a lead lined bunker to keep Superman from seeing him. So there must be yet another world that produces Super-People that I can't remember. This is also tied to Ascension somehow. They're terrorists or saviors or Luddites or something.

Hmm. Reluctant to take a lead lined door in his hands? Perhaps he is a Daxamite!

Superman and Wraith combine forces to defeat the Ascension Spiders which must be made from wooden gears and catgut since they're so against technology. Also they use a brand of internet based on silk worms, spiders, and moths. After the battle, Superman asks where Wraith is from and Wraith responds, "..." Either he doesn't have an answer or that's the name of the planet he comes from. But before Superman can press him, Clark Kent gets a call from Perry Jameson explaining that Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane are both missing. Again! Fuck those two. So careless when they're trying to get a story.

Lois Lane takes the Blue Crystal from the blind man after he's hit by an ambulance driving itself. And then she's kidnapped by Ascension in their Luddite masks. The Guy Fawkes mask make for a much better movement, if you ask me. Ned Ludd looks like a well-groomed, Irish Rambo. They take her away to some dark room to reveal that General Lane is behind their creation. Luckily they don't search her bag and find the Blue Crystal so that she can use it against Wraith later.

And Lex Luthor finally reveals that Jimmy Olsen will be the one to kill Superman. Jesus, that guy is a long-winded bastard.

Superman Unchained #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lex Luthor's paper dolls were cute. Is that enough of a review? Oh! I wonder how Superman is going to get that bullet out of his ass! That thing is going to fester when he realizes nobody can cut open his skin and he can't use his heat vision to cut open his own ass. Oh, sure. He can try to do the bounce it off of a mirror trick. But the kind of heat needed to penetrate the skin on his ass will shatter any mirror he tries to bounce it off of! I suppose Jimmy Olsen can probably do it now that he has a Kryptonite Surgical Hand.

Batman Loves Superman #5

You're going to have to turn your monitor sideways to view this properly.

*ahem* You can flip your monitor back now.

Who are these people still using monitors anyway? It's all laptops and iThings now! Right?

What the fuck is wrong with people that reblog shit on Tumblr and then add a note demanding that other people Reblog it as well because it's so fucking important? Pardon me, is your blog saving the fucking world? I'm so sorry I haven't been paying attention but is the best way to point out something's importance to shame everybody else and act like you care more because you took the time to hit "REBLOG" and then type out a short, vitriolic message so that you could make the post about yourself? I bet all of your Facebook friends hate you because you constantly end your status updates with "Only 3% of people will repost this. Let's see who cares!" Nobody cares. That's who cares. Nobody. Also, your math is wrong. If 3% of people on Facebook reposted that shit, it would be fucking viral! Three percent of six times the population of Earth is like, umm, carry the four, multiply by...a fucking lot of people! And I say six times because we all have multiple Facebook accounts. Right? You know, one for your work friends and one for your family and one for your friends you made at the NAMBLA Conference and the one where you genderbend and the one where you try to hook up with old high school friends and the one exclusively for being friends with your grandparents because they can never, ever find out how fucking freaky you truly are or they'll stop sending you cookies in the mail. Those are just the most important ones though. I just realized the truly dedicated people have probably upwards of twenty accounts.

What the fuck is wrong with people that don't reblog shit on Tumblr? Don't you fucking care, you apathetic bastards! People commit suicide and shit and you're just sitting there scrolling right past those fucking phone number posts! You could save a person's life by doing nothing more than hitting reblog in the time it takes to scratch at your genitalia and sniff your fucking fingers. Now get out there and start saving lives, asshole!

Why won't Christians repost the status update about fighting Satan because God is watching and all it takes is a Repost to prove you love God more than 97% of everybody on Earth? Don't you care about your immortal soul?! You probably don't even turn the crucifix around on the wall when you masturbate. You disgusting blasphemer. What do you think the immortal soul of your great grandmother is thinking when she, as your ghostly guardian, has to watch you degrade yourself in front of an icon of the Savior? And you do realize that you're soaking in the Holy Spirit when you do that crap, right? Knock it off! You're embarrassing every dead person that ever loved you, not to mention all Three of your Gods!

What is wrong with my cat? Doesn't she love me anymore? When's the last time you brought a live mouse into the house for me, you lazy bitch? Look at you! Sitting spread-eagled in front of the space heater on the mushroom footstool occasionally looking up at me and chirping. Knock it off, you liar! You don't give a shit about me anymore, do you? Get the fuck out of my house and don't come back until you've got a squirrel or a lizard or the neighbor kid hanging out of your mouth!

Now I wish I had a tiger that I could let loose to roam the neighborhood. What's the biggest cat that is recognized as a domestic cat under the city ordinance? I bet it's a pretty big one for Portland!

I may or may not have had too much sake last night and too little breakfast this morning.

So you're probably reading this to see what I think of Batman Loves Superman so that you can steal my jokes and impress your friends, right? Well fuck you. I'm not going to do that today. Today, there will be no jokes. Today...we save lives!

Apparently I was wrong. Turn your fucking monitor back on its side.

Batman is being a little paranoid when he asks Superman not to call him Bruce while Superman is, for all intent on porpoises, in space when he does it. Although who knows how well Superman's Super-Ventriloquism carries. You can't be too careful. If Superman is young, does that make him Tumblr? And since Batman is old, does that make him a BBS? I like how Superman thinks Batman thinks he knows everything because he's old. Dude, thinking you know everything isn't limited by age! Sheesh. That's just the Human Condition! It's why if you ever call somebody stupid, they'll immediately respond, "I'm not stupid!" Apparently everybody we ever interact with ever has a genius level IQ. And just because I use a term like "IQ" or "soul" or "God" or "evolution" or "rabies" in a sentence, it doesn't actually mean I believe in any of it! MENSA isn't an organization of really smart assholes. It's just an organization of a bunch of people who think alike.

I really need to do something about "breakfast."

Currently Batman is on Earth battling Metallo because Superman has to save a conclave of Space Shuttles from a sudden attack of flaming space fireballs from deep space. Batman makes it clear that he's fighting one of "Clark's villains" which is a really telling thing to think. As a super hero, every threat is a job for any superhero. I've never heard Green Lantern say, "Technically, The Joker is Batman's problem." I mean, I'm sure he says it constantly. It's just I've never heard him say it. I do like how Superman asks Batman how he's doing battling Metallo and it irks Batman because it seems Batman might have trouble battling a "tougher" villain. And you know Superman says it because he knows it's going to bother Batman! These two kids. I'm not sure they should be spending this much time together. Who thought it was a good idea to link them by WayneTech communication technologies?

Oh, that kind of answers itself, doesn't it? Of course Batman needs them linked up! Fucking control freak.

This comic book is hard to read! Hey, Greg Pak! There are traditions and standards for a reason! You can't just decide things should be different just like that! Who do you think you are? Alfred Einstein? God made human hands and arms in just the right way to read books in the direction we've been reading them since before language and time were invented! I bet Judas Iscariot read his books this way! All cattywampus. Unless this is more topsy-turvy! Whatever word you use, it's still a sin!

Seriously, Bruce? "Clark could just punch him. I have to be smarter." I thought you were going to think outside of the Batbox on this one but instead you just resort to an electrified batgrapple to the chest. You know what Superman would be thinking fighting The Joker? "Bruce could just hit him with an electrified batgrapple. But I have to be smarter. I have to do a shit-ton of math in my head to know exactly how much to pull my punch so I don't end up exploding his head with my fist."

Superman arrives to congratulate Batman on beating up one of his supervillains. And then, with his foot on Metallo, he calls Batman "Bruce" right to his face. What a dick! Doesn't he know Metallo could have sensitive recording equipment on his body running at all times? Or what if Metallo isn't really Metallo but a programmed virtual reality simulation created by, I don't know, Toyman or something?!

Okay, you got me. I read ahead a little this time! But how could I not?! This funky layout has me all funked out. And my cat is screaming at me from the other room. "HEY! HEY! GO TO HELL, YOU LITTLE SHIT! SHUT THE FUCK UP IN THERE!" That's the way you have to talk to cats. They don't respect you otherwise.

I never understood why Toyman was in the Legion of Doom and why he was one of Superman's villains! As a kid I always thought, "He must like being shit on." And then I'd picture Solomon Grundy squatting over his chest and releasing the kind of dump only an undead monster from the Bayou can release. And then Toyman would cackle in that awful fucking high-pitched voice of his and smear it all over his face and clothes as Bizarro stepped up to take his turn.

Did you never have cartoon fantasies like that when you were a kid? Oh, forgive me. You're probably much younger than me. Your actual Nickelodeon Cartoons were far more graphic than that.

The kid calling himself Toymaster seems to be the entrepreneur behind Toymaster Games. He really seems to think he was playing a virtual game so he didn't really pay attention to Superman using Batman's secret identity at the end of the "simulation." The real brains behind the outfit (and thus the real Toyman) is Agnes his techie. She absolutely knows what she's doing and her next step is to get an "online" team together so that they can stand a chance against her Batman and Superman "simulations."

I was told before this series started that Greg Pak would rather fuck dead ponies than write entertaining comic books. But I thoroughly enjoyed his first story arc (if a little confusing at times) and am already in lust with this one. I wonder how many people will drop this book since Jae Lee's name wasn't on the cover? This must be a fill-in, right? I guess I could use the internet to find out that information but I only use the internet for its pre-approved uses. You know. Porn and Torrents.

Back on Earth, one of the meteorites decides it's going to cause some trouble!

I hope that shit isn't Avarel Uthotis! More commonly known as Bloodmorel! It's delicious but in Kryptonians, it causes "fever, bouts of incapacitation, hallucinations, chronic overexertion, and eventually death!" It also causes intense stubble and, previously unknown to invulnerable near-immortal Supermen, existential horrors. The kind that will drive a man to drive to Louisiana to die in a swamp. Speaking of Avarel Uthotis, if my header is still the one with Swamp Thing cradling Superman in his lap, Avarel Uthotis is the red shit on the rock that Swamp Thing is fingering gently.

Batman breathes in some of the space pollen and becomes stronger than normal. That's a sign of overexertion! I guess Bloodmorels react to humans just like they react to Kryptonians!

While Superman investigates Metallo's whereabouts (discovering he never left the facility at Sawyer Army Base where he's contained), he hears the average human heartbeat increase all over Earth. I guess because the Bloodmorel dust landed everywhere and now everybody is totally overexerted and shit.

And if that wasn't enough crazy space hijinks, Hiro Okamura, Toymaster, is about to run a multiplayer Beta on his new fighting game. And one of those testers is Jimmy Olsen because Jimmy's family is so fucking rich that Jimmy has invested in Toyman's company. I mean, Toymaker. I should embrace the new version of the name mostly because I'm sick as fuck of nearly every character's name ending in Man or Woman. If I were an asshole, I would have said "literally" instead of "nearly." Fuck you, people who use literally in every fucking sentence. Your life isn't more exciting and dramatic just because you don't know how to fucking not use that word!

By the way, the Beta Test for Toymaker's game: Kill Batman! If I were in charge of testing the programming of an unfinished game, I would actually come up with a scenario that the players could actually win. How will they know if the programming works when they never kill Batman? Is it because Batman's too strong? Is the programming off? How do you find the bugs in a test if you can't even complete the test and all of your players have broken jaws and legs and bruised and battered internal organs?

Jimmy Olsen takes first crack at Batman as Nightwing.

It doesn't go well.

I don't know how this game works but I bet it kills Jimmy Olsen! I mean nearly kills him. Obviously he can't die, right? Scott Lobdell probably has big plans for him that involve time travel and banging aliens. Besides, apparently all four players are controlling Nightwing and working together somehow. So if somebody has to die, it can be the black guy who is the best gamer in the world or the fat woman who has won lots of gaming awards. I don't know how to choose which one is more expendable! I suppose none of them are expendable or else it could be seen as Batman having killed them! Whew. That was too close. I didn't want to have to choose which non-white male character had to die! I'm just not in a position to make that call without having all of my privileges explained to me. I know how lucky I am that my Spanish grandparents fought long and hard to abandon their country's culture so that their daughter wouldn't have an embarrassing lispy accent and could marry a white man so that people wouldn't judge me by my skin tone. Thanks, grandma and grandpa! But couldn't you have helped her find a rich white male instead of that white trashy one she wound up divorcing when I was two? Seriously. Fucking try-hard grandparents.

Batman and "Nightwing's" fight bring them crashing through the window of Hiro's actual apartment in Gotham City. It's at that point that Hiro realizes the game is completely fucked up and The Real Batman is kicking their asses. He gives Batman some cheat codes to put Nightwing down and the fight is over.

Greg Pak loves to use the word "literally."

Batman doesn't seem to be acting too strangely from the Bloodmorel pollen he's inhaled. I guess that means it's a subplot to be dealt with later! But then of course Mongul just blasts his way into the room to try to kill Batman as well. I don't know if he's another character in the video game or if he's another subplot! I suppose if Superman can hear everybody's heartbeat speed up, he certainly heard Mongul threaten Batman. So if Superman doesn't show up, it just means Superman doesn't give a fuck.

It turns out Mongul seems to be the major Angel behind Toymaker's start-up. He once read this book called Ender's Game that I've never read because I thought of the idea for the story one time and told my friend Upright and he said, "That's Ender's Game." And I went, "Oh. Well I guess it was a good idea then!" But it would have been a better idea if I'd written it because I would have made Ender's Game play out across a huge wall of glory holes.

Anyway, Mongul decided that the people spent a lot of time playing fighting games so he'd tap into that and turn them into warriors for himself. So he may have also seeded the planet with those spores that brought their violent natures closer to the surface. And then he shoots Batman in the chest because fuck that guy. And Superman doesn't lift a finger to save him because Superman is a gigantic dickhole.

Batman Loves Superman #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was very much like a comic book which is something I like about comic books. A villain with an agenda. Technology that doesn't make sense but nobody tries to over explain it. Batman getting a hole put through his chest by an alien plasma rifle. Superman flexing his ass cheeks in some pretty steamy panels. It had everything!

The Movement #6

I hope the trend of having the covers look like revolutionary posters continues throughout the series. Or fascist, dictatorial posters when the law enforcement side is shown. Like Earth 2's covers!

A friend of mine mentioned how Marvel is coming out with a female Muslim superhero and he said, "I hate forced diversity." It's an odd statement to make when you're talking about fiction. What do you suddenly consider "forced?" It's not like they have the creators at sword point telling them what to write. Well, some editors might work that way. But even still, how good was "non-forced diversity" working for the comic book industry for the last eighty years? To get to a point where people don't think twice about the gender or ethnicity or religion or sexuality or cultural background of a character, you need a well balanced group of characters. The only reason people use the term "forced diversity" is because there is a flipside to that statement which is "white male is the status quo." If you go off-script with character creation, some people are going to grumble. But that script needs to be thrown out so that every character that is created can simply be the next individual character to come along. Comic book readers should not have a standard base white male idea in their heads. I don't even know why they'd want to!

My basic thought on diversity is fucking just go for it. Companies can't listen to outspoken people that can't handle change or difference. I don't give a fuck if a character is Malaysian, Canadian, or Spanish as long as they interest me. But you know, if you can reach a wider audience by increasing the representation of the various characters, do that! If you lose a reader because they can't handle different skin tones, fuck them. Who wants to cater to someone like that anyway? If you want to use the term "forced diversity," then I say diversity should be forced. Force it down our throats until it's commonplace. And once it's commonplace, you'll never again have to hear somebody use the term "forced diversity." It will just be status quo.

Also, remember that thing I said about fiction? Fiction is forced! It's contrived! Somebody has to think up something and there are many reasons why they choose the aspects of plot and character that they choose. Just make the characters interesting and people will read the comic book! Are you telling me there are people picking up Teen Titans simply because it's full of whiteness (if we ignore the stinky smoking sulfur woman) and avoiding The Movement because it's full of "forced diversity?" The Teen Titans is a horribly written pile of crap. The characters are bland, without motivation, and have only been reacting to time travel shenanigans and antagonists from the future. The Movement's characters actually have motivation to better their community. They're working for some kind of change even if they might occasionally go about it in really horribly awful ways. But at least they're fucking interesting!

I skipped a lot of points I could probably go on and on about but I'm still trying to get my thumb to bend like Vengeance Moth's from The Movement #5.

At the end of last issue, Tremor ended the naughty cop's trial early and freed them on their own precognizance. Katharsis didn't like that idea because not liking Tremor's choice allows her to flip the fuck out which is her most favoritist thing to do in the whole entire world.

Mmmm, shake powers.

Vengeance Moth tries to get the ladies to stop fighting but nobody listens to her. What's she going to do? Flit around and self-immolate in a nearby light bulb? But then Virtue arrives and shuts the fight down because Virtue will get in your head and bring all of your weird shit to light. Also she's just a bit intimidating when she strikes super cute poses while screaming her den mother head off. Tremor points out she simply wants to help people and getting their asses involved in a turf war with local law enforcement simply to put on some mock trial for the internet seems a bit antithetical to that goal.

Also they all figure perhaps they should try helping the delusional kid in the hoodie crouched in the corner composing mental letters to his mother about his frequent attempts to copulate with Satan.

No, don't cast him out, Burden. Fuck him. Fuck him right in the face! You know you want to! Hmm, I don't think I'd be a very helpful member of this team. Plus I'd constantly be making poo jokes.

Virtue orders Katharsis and Tremor to make up. When they were throwing punches, I had my money on Katharsis. But now Virtue has ordered them to an Ice Cream Eating Deathmatch. By the look on Tremor's face when she hears the news, I have a feeling she's going to kill this challenge. Plus I figure she must keep her body covered by that blanket for a reason! I'm saying she's a little chubby for her spandex. Hey, I'm not judging! I'm just pointing out she might have a bit of a body image issue. Now, I am speculating that it's weight related. It could also simply be that she's uncomfortable with even having a body at all.

While the girls go out for sundaes, Virtue and Vengeance Moth plan on performing an exorcism on Burden. Also, the cops get away.

I knew they were going to have to put Joe down. Human nature is the main reason we need the word "escalation." To be brutally honest though, I'm with Joe. That asshole Katharsis knocked out all of his front teeth! We all have are worst nightmares and I can't stand the idea of losing your front teeth. If Katharsis had done that to me, I would have...well, I probably would have just lain on the floor crying, blubbering, cradling my lost teeth, and rocking back and forth.

The worst nightmares I've ever had have been ones where some teeth have fallen out. Not knocked out! Just falling out while doing something else in the dream. I read somewhere (probably some Jungian thing lying around here somewhere) that a dream about losing ones teeth is about loss of power so Joe getting his teeth knocked out is actually a really good symbol for what needed to be done to him. In my conscious life, I don't actually worry about status or power or shit like that. But apparently my unconscious mind used to hate my forty hour work weeks working for businesses that cared more about their investors than their employees. Once I got out of that system, I stopped having the dreams of losing my teeth. I can't remember the last time I had a dream like that. Or a migraine! People talk about all the different perks to owning your own business but those might be the biggest two for me! Also, all of the free time because I make my own schedule. I don't make as much money as I might otherwise, but fuck that. Give me more leisure time! If I worked a forty hour work week, I think I'd be making...well, a lot more money than I am! But I clean floors and that would probably quickly wreck this middle-aged body! So instead, I work about fifteen to twenty hours per week. It's all about balance! Just like The Movement!

Whew. I wasn't sure I was going to get back on track there for a second.

Even though this story line is called The Graveyard Faction, I completely forgot about the Graveyard Faction! They're currently trying to ruin Mouse's day simply because he stopped a woman from getting her eyes gouged out. Maybe I'll find out their real names now and have to stop calling them Pigpen, Hester Prynne, Assholster, and Butterface. Currently, Mouse is sending his rats to infiltrate Assholster's pants.

I guess he's trying to disarm him?

I was going to scan some pictures of all the cute rats because I love Freddie Williams's rats but instead I thought I'd scan a picture of the rest of The Graveyard Faction.

See? Butterface, Hester Prynne, and Pigpen. Although I think I'll change his name to Emo Pigpen.

I was pretty good at guessing the names of the Dial H characters so I'm pretty sure I've got at least 75% of the names of the Graveyard Faction correct!

Or maybe 25% since the next page reveals I'm, incredibly, wrong on three of their names! Butterface is actually Monster Baby which I really like especially since she attacks Mouse by saying, "Want to kiss him to death. So hot." Hester Prynne is named Anguish which, I guess, explains the "A" on her chest. And Assholster is named Pallas. I still have a chance of being correct with Emo Pigpen.

Well I got the Emo right! But his name is Arson. Boring! Maybe it'll turn out to have some kind of double meaning with "Our Son."

Mouse's arm gets all burnt up from Arson's fire breath so I hope he has some regenerative abilities. Maybe he has a few medic mice at his disposal.

Back at headquarters, Virtue performs the exorcism on Burden by removing his fear. Perhaps once he loses the fear instilled in him by his religious parents about his powers being from Satan, he'll be able to look at them rationally. Or maybe he'll just lose them and become just another useless man. Although a useless man in a great looking hoodie.

Elsewhere in the city, Man Cannon comes face to face with The Cornea Killer. Although probably not for the first time since The Cornea Killer calls Man Cannon "Dad." I guess that means Mouse got away from The Graveyard Faction with the help of his rat army. He probably surfed them to safety.

Or not. Total wipeout.

The Movement #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. This is the best team book DC is putting out right now. I often think team books can't get the balance right and never spend enough time on the characters. The "characterization" usually just comes from how they utilize their powers in the big fight scenes. But Simone is doing a wonderful job taking her time with the characters. I just hope this comic sticks around long enough for these characters to become fan favorites. This title should really take the place of The Teen Titans. How can I get everybody that's currently buying the Teen Titans to drop that book and begin picking up this one? I guess all I can do is ask. No, fuck asking. I'm demanding it! If you're reading Teen Titans right now and not reading The Movement, knock it off. Strike that. Reverse it. Get out there and buy The Movement instead!

Forever Evil #3

Bizarro's costume sure looks a lot fancier than the inside out shirt he put on last issue.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Catwoman appeared at STAR Labs with a gigantic hunk of meat and shrapnel that they had named Victor Stone for some reason. They believe Doctor Stone can infuse their hunk of meat with life because obviously scientists are miracle workers. And I don't mean they teach language skills to kids that can't hear or see! Although they might. They're probably constantly working on machines and software and programs that help people make their way every day in this harsh and unforgiving world. I wouldn't compare it to all the praying that religious people do to help the disenfranchised, the meek, and the poor, but scientists are trying! It's a lot harder when you don't have an omnipotent being to push around and do all of the work for you.

Batman explains what happened in-between the final issue of Trinity War and the first issue of Forever Evil. While he and Catwoman hid behind some rubble to do whatever those two perverts were going to do, the rest of the team were sucked into the living embodiment of Slash Fiction: Firestorm.

So the Firestorm Matrix is The Cube everybody is imprisoned in?

Even in The Red Room at STAR Labs, a television constantly plays news against the backdrop of life. And that's where Batman learns that Nightwing has been captured and that The Crime Syndicate has revealed that his secret identity is Richard Grayson. Batman immediately shits his pants and says, "Um, Doc, we gotsta go!"

Meanwhile Victor Stone is tapping out "Kill me" on the metal table in Morse Code with the end of his spine.

Luckily everybody in the DC Universe is too stupid to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman, so revealing that Nightwing is Dick Grayson isn't really going to be the clue that breaks the camel's back. But even still, Batman needs to go put out this fire as fast as possible. So it's "Good luck with your son, Doctor Stone but adios motherfucker!"

Back in Metropolis, the best buddy movie ever is underway.

The new Bizarro is either childlike or gay. I've got my fingers crossed for both.

While Lex Luthor hooks up his Bizarrovision Satellite, Ultraman smashes Black Adam's jaw and knocks a bunch of teeth out. Out of every violent action depicted in comic books, I think artists go too quickly to teeth coming out. They do know that gums don't merely scab over and new teeth come in, do they? Black Adam is going to need some serious dental work after this and who is going to perform that surgery? Who can?! He's invulnerable. I suppose he can go to Zatanna's Esuoh fo Yrtsitned for a quick touch up. I guess Superman can always get his degree as a dentist in ten minutes and then use his super eyes and super breath and super sticky semen to fix up Black Adam's mouth. Or maybe Black Adam can just look like a hockey player for the rest The New 52's lifetime.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm and Power Ring bully the Rogues because the Rogues aren't destroying Central City which the Crime Syndicate asked them, nicely, to do. Although most of the city looks like it's already on fire after Grodd's invasion so I think Deathstorm and Power Ring simply want to pick a fight. Deathstorm manages to rewrite Captain Cold's DNA so he loses his ice powers. He also fucks up the rest of the Rogue's powers so that Mirror Master and the others become trapped in the Mirror World. Captain Cold heads off to make a new Cold Gun while Lex Luthor and Bizarro wander into town. And Black Manta appears out of the river dragging Black Adam behind him. No wonder it's called Central City! All plot lines lead here!

Sheesh. I thought I sucked at DC Geography but I think I might have a better handle on it than Geoff Johns.

Forever Evil #3 Rating: No change. Lex Luthor and his mini-Legion of Doom are Earth's last, best hope! Except for Batman. He's the bestest, lastest hope. Maybe they'll team up after they fight for a few pages next issue. How could they lose with the smartest and the second smartest man working on the same team? I don't know who the third smartest person on this Earth is now that Mister Terrific is gone. Probably Dr. Veritas. But only when she's not being written by Scott Lobdell.

Nightwing Annual #1

Hands of who #God truly is thinking that fell on a problem is considered not 'respectable.' The ancient Zoroastrian scriptures while one urinates.

Since this is a Goddamned annual, I am going to simply use the Facebook App, What Would I Say, for all of my picture captions! Or, more probably, I'm just going to sit here for the next four hours hitting the "Generate Status" button while barely paying attention to my Nightwing comic book. I wish there was one that would generate Tumblr posts in the same way so I could just use the app for all future commentaries! I have a feeling this commentary is going to be light on the descriptions and heavy on the scans so I can post a whole bunch of Tessbot status updates!

This issue begins with Firebug burning a man named Ted Carson alive in his apartment building in Gotham City. Unless the villain's name isn't Firebug. And unless this isn't Ted Carson. And unless this isn't Gotham City. What it is, though, is a lot of orange ink across a double page spread.

Now it is somebody trying to cancelling his character from sheath; and then you are probably shaving their eyebrows and Batman, motherfucker!

Meanwhile across town in Old Gotham (unless Old Gotham is located within Gotham as opposed to adjacent to Gotham or across the river from Gotham. This might be the first time I've ever heard of Old Gotham. Probably not though. Perhaps the first time I actually paid attention to the mention of a Gotham City neighborhood. Fuck, I don't even know the names of the neighborhoods in Portland. That's where I live!), Barbara Gordon is helping Dick Grayson pack up his apartment so he can move to Chicago. Personally, I don't know why everybody in Gotham isn't engaging in this activity. Maybe not the destination part of the equation but certainly the fleeing from Gotham part of the plan.

The first time you what? The first time you what?! I mean, "Speaking of the opening to The exuviae of humor."

Of course they wind up swinging around Gotham on their Batgrapples dressed as Nightwing and the Ginger Ninja. Probably because they have to investigate Firebug's recent bout of arson. I mean bouts, apparently! Bullock tells Nightwing that a string of fires and bombings have all been tied to a woman named Cindy Cooke. And she believes she knows who is targeting her but she won't deal with the cops. She wants to deal with The Batman. But I guess she'll accept Nightwing and his side kick in the ski mask and sweat pants.

Who the fuck asked you, Ginger Ninja? You're lucky she's even dealing with you! Why isn't she more disappointed that she asked for a bat and ended up with a jogger whose face chills easily? I mean, "I talked about the movie The original version of Kids of monkeys. bulwark of the old Testament says the Messiah will ride in on your face?"

Cindy Cooke believes a pyrotechnic guy that worked on her film before she fired him is behind the fires. It's obvious that he's a psychotic weirdo since he asked people to call him "Firefly" around the set. Dude, you do not think up your own nickname and then ask people to call you by it. That's worse than setting buildings on fire. Cindy spills her secrets to Nightwing while The Ginger Ninja hugs and consoles her. If I were Cindy, I'd probably have taken a serious attitude with this jerk in a half-assed costume trying to worm her way into a Bat investigation. How about sewing up a real suit, slacker?

Meanwhile, a man on a movie set is screaming "clit" at everyone because I guess that's what you do on movie sets when actors start acting all actory.

Note on down to all Facebook secretly likes Björk. It is considered unclean.

You know, this director is involved in movie making. And all of the places Firefly torched were movie and/or ex-boyfriend related! I'm no Batman but I think he might be the next victim!

Well, apparently I really am no Batman because he's not the next victim at all! He's just a lead! And Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja follow up on it and learn where they might be able to find Garfield Lynns, alias (allegedly!) The Firefly! At the follow up, they find a note that doesn't make any sense. But then we've already established that I'm no Batman, so it's probably just my feeble brain unable to comprehend what the note means.

Why would Garfield Lynns have put his own name on a list of things to burn and then crossed it off? Unless Firefly is actually Ted Carsons and he faked his own death by burning Garfield Lynns in his place! I mean, "Cookies are probably shaving their success with your vorpal sword.' Snicker snack and a month ago. They were talking, and I got him started, he said, 'O light wont last night, as you're doing in a high pay; but that Allah and then I saw you smoking the date you didn't know any sort of vague thing I've done anything."

While they were ransacking Garfield Lynns' workshop, Nightwing decided to ask Batgirl to leave her comatose boyfriend behind and move to Chicago with him. Classy!

Nightwing alerts Bullock to the possible issue at Willowbrook Charity Dinner but he never mentions how weird the note is, what with Garfield's own name crossed off and all. I'm beginning to suspect it was an editorial fuckup! But if it wasn't then Nigthwing and The Ginger Ninja are worse detectives than the Scooby Gang. And, come on, they were actually pretty crappy at their job. Or hobby? I don't think any of them were ever paid for their work. I bet Velma had received a huge inheritance and she convinced the others to drop out of college and travel the United States with her in her step-dad's van. And I don't want anybody commenting how they earned cash selling drugs or trafficking in sex slaves because that's as boring and trite as claiming Bert and Ernie were gay. Which they might have been but they definitely weren't a couple. Bert would have dumped Ernie's ass in a fucking heartbeat if they were an item. Unless Ernie was amazing at sucking the dick. I wonder if "Rubber Dicky" was the original name of his bathtub song?

But he didn't hit Garfield Lynns! Batman would be so disappointed in you, Nightwing. I mean, "and they were better loved her daughter's womanly cravings in Oregon City pink."

Nightwing finally realizes that Firefly is probably going after Cindy although he doesn't realize that it's Ted Carson seeing as how Garfield Lynns' name was on the list! I hate that I can't let that go! But DC really kind of fucked up this story if that's a mistake. But then, if it isn't a mistake, then Nightwing and Barbara really fucked up their job! So Firefly must be Garfield Lynns and the creative team made a big error on the note. It's easier to believe that the people that put the comic book together made a mistake than to believe that Dick and Babs fucked up!

I made that mistake too, Dick! We're the same! I mean, "Do they still have been a fucking parrot is intelligent, articulate, and said, Unicorn Sandwich. Also, Concrete Blonde tonight and his Son in apophallating species, the penis deserves all Facebook posts and all of these little gems."

Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja fail to stop Firefly from burning the shit out of Cindy Cooke. Except it's not Cindy Cooke. It's Cindy Cooke's agent. Which finally allows the last clue to drop into place so that Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja realize who Firefly really is! I'm pretty sure it's Cindy herself! And she's probably in serious debt so she decided to put on a rubber mask and burn the shit out of her entire life and then fake her own death. Which would still explain the note because Cindy would have had to kill Garfield Lynns as well to plant it all on him! But that doesn't explain why Dick and Babs missed that. Unless they didn't miss it and they were waiting until the end of the episode where they unmask Firefly to reveal Cindy Cooke and Babs says, "I first realized it wasn't Garfield when we found the killer's first mistake: the note with Garfield's name on it. Why would he write his name on a list of hits and then cross it out? I thought, 'Babs. I mean, Batgirl. I mean, The Ginger Ninja, this right here...this is a clue!'"

Or, you know, it was Ted like I originally guessed. The rest of my supposition about Babs and her final reveal still works though! I mean, "For those were all Greek, Wallachians, Armenians or Bjork just like a born pederast and he mostly does anything."

Nightwing and whatever Babs is actually calling herself now (The Stalker? The Creep? The Neighborhood Watch Target?) figure out where Ted took Cindy and arrive to kick the crap out of him. Firefly is as stupid as The Wicked Witch of the West! If your big weakness is water, keep water fucking away from you! Nightwing kicks Firefly into the bay and the fight is over. Afterward, Dick moves to Chicago while avoiding the relationship talk with Barbara because he learned a lesson about forcing relationships from Firefly and Cindy Cooke. But they both care for each other and something will eventually happen in the future when Barbara realizes she's an Amputeeist and begins hating Ricky for not having two feet.

And, finally, we learn what first Babs was talking about! And, yes, I'm slightly disappointed even though I know she only recently had her first kiss with a boy in the pages of Batgirl (with Ricky!).

"A few flattered themselves on Saturday Night sometime between the first time I ever gone more of him as Robin for Calculus Formulas tried to download a virus on me." Well damn. That one was nearly appropriate!

Nightwing Annual #1 Rating: This was fun. I was very happy to see Babs and Dick finally doing some serious talking about their relationship. They've had a few, small moments previously but it was nice to see them deal with it here. Even though Dick does kind of avoid it at the end like usual. They come to a nice peace about it here. And one page of their first date? I'll take it. Also, I think I learned a lot about myself from What Would I Say?

Action Comics Annual #2

I haven't even opened the cover and I think it's accurate to say "Krypton Returns" will be the shittiest comic book story I will ever read in my entire life.

I don't think Scott Lobdell is capable of writing a comic book story without the cheat of Time Travel. That's because it's easy to think, "The DC Universe is like this. But what if it had been like this!" Then you create a character that comes from that future place to make the present place turn into that future place. Or you send a character from the future into the past to change the present! Or you...well, I'm tired of thinking of things Scott Lobdell can do with time travel. Mostly he just drives me insane. See you on the other side of sanity!

Thankfully the first page gives the reader a synopsis of Superman's life. His planet exploded. He was raised to be good. He's a member of the Justice League. Got it! I think I'm ready to understand the underlying themes inherent in this dramatization! Although Lobdell forgot to mention how people have an inherent distrust of Superman because he's an alien and he's more powerful than human beings.

Superman has found himself in space where a Temporal Tsunami is causing suns to flare and die. But even worse, it's causing "oceans to give way to mountains of ice or seas of primordial lava." Wait. Is that worse? I don't know. It's a stupid event because Scott Lobdell created it. And that's my unbiased opinion!

Okay, it's slightly biased. I wonder if Scott Lobdell thinks critics hate his writing simply because they're assholes who don't like him rather than the truth of the matter which is that Scott Lobdell sucks at writing? The problem is that he sucks so badly that I don't think I'll ever recognize when he writes something well. Because I'll already be rolling my eyes and thinking up mean things to call the misguided doctor that delivered him safely instead of strangling him at birth. I wish I could create a Temporal Tsunami and change that fateful day! Of course, everybody would completely freak out if I ran into a delivery room and choked a newborn. But I'd be sure to bring copies of his comic books with me so I could use them in my defense. "But Judge! Read these and then just try to tell me what I did was abhorrent! You'll see! I was only saving comic books! It was justifiable homicide! I've saved this timeline!"

Superman was yanked from Earth to the Temporal Tsunami. He then sees a gigantic glowing portal in space and thinks:

Yes, that's perfectly logical. Lost in space? Best thing to do is fly into a swirling blue portal! That should take you home! Or will it take you to the source of the Time Distortion? Make up your mind, Superman!

Inside the Portal, Superman runs into Supergirl and Superboy. Sheesh, what names! I guess Kryptonians lack imagination.

"Your honor, I'd like to introduce Exhibit #1 for my defense. Come on! Admit it! You kind of want to choke that baby now too, right?"

Inside the Blue Portal, The Supers discover Oracle! Who is Oracle, you ask? How should I describe him? Have you ever been having sex with somebody and it was awful, just terrible. But you still figured the orgasm was going to be worth it. So you kept at it, minute after minute, issue after issue, and you just kept thinking about the orgasm and how this fuck was going to Goddamn at least make you feel good at the end of it. And then you blacked out and woke up with an out of order sign covering your genitalia? Also imagine if a Wolverine were trying to make a nest in your rectum during the entire process. Also somebody was reciting William Carlos Williams' poetry softly into your ear. In other words, you'd be confused, bored, disappointed, and in pain. Well that pretty much sums up the reveal of Oracle in Lobdell's H'el on Earth story. And now he's back for more! Somebody lube up the wolverine!

The Omniscient Narrator reveals that the Omniscient Being known as The Oracle is just one of an entire race of omniscient creatures that mostly don't interfere with the Omniverse unless something is about to destroy it. But since they're omniscient, they know that the universe won't be destroyed because they interfered with it! God, life as an omniscient being must fucking suck ass. If you're not into sucking ass. I meant that as a bad thing but I can see how it's sometimes a good thing, so I just wanted to be clear.

And it's a good thing Oracle decided to interfere or else The Supers would never have glanced over their shoulders to see Krypton come back to reality! I'm so fucking happy that this character has been so integral to this story! If the Oracle hadn't arrived to point, the story never could have continued and Superman would never have been able to defeat the Temporal Tsunami! This might just be the most brilliant use ever of an Omniscient, Godlike being! I also think I'm beginning to acclimate to having a wolverine shoved into my anus.

Actually, it just looks like a pile of metal shavings and shrapnel stacked up on somebody's dead front lawn. I'm not going to scan a picture of Krypton because it looks exactly like I just described it.

Oracle takes off because his job has been well done. He deserves some galaxy sized Oreos as a reward. Meanwhile, The Supers don't begin losing their powers underneath the Red Sun of Krypton because I don't see a sun anywhere nearby. Perhaps H'el pushed a moon in front of it.

Sorry, I was mistaken! The Oracle did not leave. Instead he shoved his way into Superboy's mind so he can explicate the goings on of the whatsit and stuff. Also, he teleports the Supers to the surface of one of Kyrpton's moons.

Actually nobody on Krypton would dare to visit because they have no way of escaping the gravity of the planet. I know, I know. H'el solved that problem during his twenty-five years of changed history. But the Omniscient Narrator doesn't know that!

Once Oracle takes over Superboy so that it can talk to Superman which is exactly what Superman wanted, Superman tells him to get out of Superboy first and then they'll talk. Does Scott Lobdell remember anything he writes? It was just in the script two pages ago! Superman already explained to the others how The Oracle didn't talk but used emotions to communicate. And now it's found a way to talk and Superman is telling it to fuck off? See, Judge? SEE! I can see you imagining your hands around that tiny baby's throat right now! Nobody would have to suffer through this misery if only a heroic time traveler would go back and change it all! Sure, it would be at the cost of his own freedom and probably his life because judges are stupid jerks that won't listen to reason in matters of infanticide! But, Goddamn, it would be so totally worth it!

Oracle continues spouting nonsense.

Oracle's people observed all life before the beginning of time. Nonsense! To an omniscient being, time has no ending nor any beginning.

Oracle mentions that "almost before the planet started to cool, it was clear that Krypton presented a problem." Wrong! Krypton presented a problem before, during, and after it existed. The problem was dealt with before, during, and after it existed. The problem was never a fucking problem because it always never was forever dealt with before it was a problem.

The bottom line is that, and I might be explaining this better than the comic book explained it, H'el is caught in an infinite time loop. He sends the cells that will become him into space. They eventually wind up on Earth as the humanoid H'el. He battles Superman and Supergirl and loses. He's shot into the past to land on Krypton. Once on Krypton, he sends his cells back into space and fucks with time a different way each time he returns to this point of the loop. So in H'el #1, we saw him kill Zod and Jor-el. Other times, he's stopped the clone wars, or became Jor-el's fuck buddy, or sucked every dick on Krypton. He's tried almost everything because he has an infinite amount of opportunities although I don't know how he remembers it all from one life to the next. I guess he injects the cells with his genetic memory or some other technojargon. But his screwing with time has caused a Temporal Tsunami. And now Oracle is here to tell Superman to fix it right the fuck now or else. Of course Supergirl isn't going to want to play along because she has Krypton back and fuck the rest of the universe. Although I don't know how Superman is going to get anything done under a Red Sun. Hopefully he's in a timeline where H'el has managed to turn the Red Sun into a Yellow Sun. Although that would mean an entire world of Superpeople that Superman will have to deal with. And wouldn't the planet itself, Krypton, kill them all since it's made out of Kryptonite?!

Oracle must have explained enough because Kara slaps him out of Superboy so that they can get on with saving Omnithing.

Faora lives on the moon because she's insane and/or desperate.

Faora knows all about H'el and his time shenanigans because Oracle told her. He probably had to tell her an infinite number of times until she finally believed him for some reason. It was probably a lot like Groundhog Day. I don't know why he was so forthcoming with Faora though. And why did Rocafort give her a cane just like Doctor Veritas? Are they the same person?!

Superman spends one thought bubble thinking about how he hopes his powers keep working under the red sun. I bet that's the only mention of that ever because everybody forgot about it until the book was ready to print and then some upstart Associate Editor said, "Um, you know Krypton has a red sun, right?" After that, Superman learns that he is going to have to go back in time with his Super Family and pull a great big fucking Marty McFly. You know. He has to return time to its correct path. Which means...dun dun DUN...SUPERMAN WILL BE THE CAUSE OF KRYPTON'S DESTRUCTION! WHAT A TWIST!

I hate how only characters in Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking comic books call the Universe "the Omniverse." Suck my Omnidick.

Anyway, Faora sends the three Supers back to different points in time to change history so that it gets back on course: Superman to stop H'el when he succeeds in keeping the planet from exploding; Supergirl to make sure the clone war does something or other; Superboy to make sure Supergirl is shoved onto a rocket and sent to Earth. I don't think she sent anybody back to stop H'el from sending his cells into space in the first place though, so it'll all just happen again. Fuck poorly written time travel stories. Why am I still commenting on this crap? Here's what happens in the next three parts: the Supers get Krypton to blow up again and everyone is saved and these three versions of the Supers disappear and this story never fucking happened and nobody remembers anything. Except one little thing will be changed, like Superman will meet his baby self and put some memento into the rocket or something. The end.

Action Comics Annual #2 Rating: Fuck everybody.

A.R.G.U.S. #1

Wasn't Team 7 cancelled?

You know why people aren't that into the Agents of SHIELD television show? Of course you do. Why would I think you didn't? I actually kind of like the show. Although it isn't a must watch show and it sits on my ChannelMaster for weeks before I decide to watch an episode. The ChannelMaster is the DVR for people that don't have Cable or Satellite television. That's right. I only watch television shows that enter my house through the aether. Or ones that are on Netflix streaming. I also purchase Mad Men and Walking Dead on Xbox video so I can keep current on those shows when they're on. But the point I was making was that nobody wants to read a comic book with a bunch of normal people using guns to solve their problems.

Whoever just snorted and scoffed, "What about The Punisher?" can eat S-H-I-T because Frank Castle is far from a normal person! My only hope is that one of the members of A.R.G.U.S. dies each issue.

I forget what ARGUS stands for! American Regiment Given Unforgiving Suppositories? Oh wait! I remember that it should be ARGUSH because it's Something Something Something Uniting Super Heroes! But what they're really doing is keeping their hundred Argussian eyes on the world!

I just glanced at the cover again and I already hate every member of this team.

The issue begins with some mysterious flaming hand speaking with somebody off-panel about how they're going to blind ARGUS's "all-seeing eye." Actually, they have one hundred eyes. But I guess he's riffing off the logo, so I shouldn't be such a didactic "actually" nerd. If Argus has 100 eyes, does that mean the team (which I was politely reminded on the first page is Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans which means I scored 30*% on that quiz!) is set up to have fifty members? I like that! I hope that's the way it is! That way there are fifty members that can be killed during this miniseries! Actually probably more like forty nine since Agent Gunn can't be killed in this series. He has to die in the pages of Vibe doing something heroic! And I don't think Amanda Waller counts. She's like the body of the beast. Mostly the dick.

On page two, the story continues six years ago with Steve Trevor crashing on Paradise Island. I already forgot that Steve Trevor was a member of ARGUS! And that must be his crazy ass grin on the cover. You know, that's the most personality I've seen out of him since The New 52 began!

I'm surprised that Wonder Woman's outfit is straight from Themyscira. I guess it's just a coincidence that it's got the American motif.

That's as much of the initial meeting between Diana and Steve we get. I was hoping for a bit more but this story isn't that story. Speaking of this story, who the hell was that guy with the flaming hand?! The only clue we were given was that his Headquarters was located "somewhere." It might not be a "he" either but his poorly manicured thumb nail and over-sized thumb joint make me suspect male. And even though the other voice was from an off-panel speech bubble, I read it in a woman's voice. Not out loud! But in my head! The way a person reads! It's only a rumor that I act out each comic book in the nude via interpretive dance in front of my life-sized Scott Lobdell cutout.

What rival organizations exist in the DC Universe that would want to fuck with ARGUS? The Blackhawks (aka the Blackrazors)? SHADE (Some Horrible Acronym Deemed Excellent)? Task Force X (although why would Waller want to blind her other group?)? Checkmate (who hasn't been seen in quite some time!)? AMMO (who?)? NOWHERE? I bet it's SHADE since SHADE and ARGUS were forming a cooperative investigative unit in the pages of Forever Evil. Or Trinity War. One of those.

Oh shut up! Who invited you to this comic book? I hate you!

What a surprise! Madame Xanadu exclaims, "I can see the future!" and then tells somebody else to do something for her. When is some skeptic going to come along and bust her ass, exposing her for the manipulative phony she is! She tells Zatanna to send Steve away back when The Crime Syndicate appeared. But before Zatanna casts her hugely complicated spell of "DNES EVETS YAWA!", Madame Xanadu tells Steve to seek out the truth and that this world depends on it. Typical fortune teller! Giving out vague advice. Go to hell.

Since The Crime Syndicate arrived and Steve Trevor woke up at the beginning of this comic book, The Secret Society of Super Villains has been busy killing every member of ARGUS they could find.

That's a bigger body count than I expected for one issue! But it doesn't count since none of the dead were introduced to the reader first! But that still leaves two dozen left to meet and mourn!

Steve Trevor and his coworker Candy Etta get a message that the White House is under attack by Deathstroke. I wonder how much Slade is getting paid? He doesn't kill for free, you know! Trevor runs off to stop him which is a stupid idea because Steve Trevor is just this guy, you know? And Slade Wilson is like OH MY GOD! and then you're just dead. I say the fight will be over in two panels! Steve Trevor steps onto the White House lawn and then the second panel is just black. Because it's from Steve's point of view. And his new point of view is dead.

Here's a little flashback to lengthen the amount of pages until Steve Trevor is dead from a severe sword cut through the neck.

The Secret Origin of ARGUS!

I really like the one page origin story of ARGUS. It's simple. It contains some nice, conversational dialogue relating to the importance of the matter at hand. It's believable. Trevor would do this not because it's a program for spying on the Super Heroes but because it's a program proving they're trustworthy. Trevor also accepts because ARGUS will be the last line of defense if the super heroes have fallen. Which really just means they'll throw their bodies at whatever killed the super heroes so that the president can get in his emergency shuttle and hyperwarp into his Safe Room located somewhere in The Bleed.

After all of my Team 7 talk, I actually forgot that Slade and Steve worked together in that group. I suppose it's because Steve Trevor didn't actually get as much face time in that book as I thought he was going to get when it began. I think the creators forgot about him until Issue Nine or Ten. Which was too bad since it was cancelled at Issue Eight. So the fact that they once worked together means the fight lasts a little longer than I thought. Because they have to reminisce and shit.

I'm fairly certain Trevor's legs are tied up with two tails. So you know what that means! Snake penis!

Ha! I was sort of correct about the fight lasting two panels! The above page was the first actual panel of the fight. Then the very next panel on the next page, Candy's Bio-Bracelet informs her that Steve Trevor has flatlined. Ha ha!

And then Doctor Light's Light Ghost appears to haunt the remains of the ARGUS installation. I guess he wasn't as secure in Heaven as he seemed in the pages of The Phantom Stranger. But he gave away his light power in that comic book to give to his wife! I guess that means he's just using the normal ghost powers to haunt Candy and the other agents.

A.R.G.U.S. #1 Rating: I will begin this comic book between Justice League of America and Action Comics. It's much better than the current Action Comics but reminds me of Justice League of America because they both have Steve Trevor in them. I liked quite a few moments in this comic book which is good because I don't really care about ARGUS at all! Also Wonder Woman looked super cute. Is that the only important thing about Wonder Woman? That she looks super cute? Yes, probably.