Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2

Fathers reunited with imaginary versions of their daughters! Daughters reconciled with homophobic fathers! Ugly ass babies being born! And now a boring fucking wedding?! What the fuck, Convergence?! Where are all the corpses?!

When did Convergence go from Multiversal Thunderdome to Young Romance Comics?! Not that I'm upset, mind you. But before I put my dick in my hand, I want to know if I'll be pleasuring myself to romance or violence! You can't just spring a wedding on me when I'm expecting Hawkpeople to be disemboweling decapitated heads! The most I can hope for is that the wedding takes place on page one and the other twenty-something pages take place in the honeymoon bed and then along the floor and then into the shower and then upside down on the counter in front of the mirror and then hanging off the balcony and then on Koriand'r's face. I just love romance! Especially extended, hard pumping romance!

Last issue, Hawkman was all, "I'm going to bite your face off, Dick!" And Hawkwoman was all, "That's so gro...oh! I heard you wrong. Never mind." And Oracle was all, "Take cover, Hawkfucks! Your gooses are cooked!" And then she laughed at her own joke for five minutes.

The hair is going up! Shit is getting serious!

I made a handy chart when I began writing screenplays for Hollywood years ago that helps me to write women better! It looks like this:

Writing a serious woman? Have her put her hair up!
Writing a sexy woman? Have her take her hair down!
Writing an innocent and naive woman? Give her bangs!
Writing a confident, well-rounded, intelligent woman with a few human flaws and frailties to really give her character depth? Just make her a man!

Nightwing has gone off to battle the Hawks while Oracle stays behind in Gotham pretending to be a coward. But really she's saving the day. And this day is really important because it's the day that all the heroes must fight to the death to save their cities. None of them seem to be obeying the rules though, at least not in the previous Issue Twos that I've read. They're just ignoring the fight and getting on with their lives. That seems reasonable since none of these heroes kill, so how can they participate in a murder contest?

Nightwing's opening gambit is to crash the Batwing on top of their heads.

Hawkwoman's opening move is better: call Nightwing an Earth Monkey! The truth of the statement has got to sting.

Nightwing was actually in a vehicle called the Rocketwing. It's part cocoon and part motorcycle and part trampoline. Just what every acrobat needs! Dick springs out of it like a dick out of a zipper! He goes after Hawkwoman first which makes Oracle really uncomfortable because Hawkwoman has a lot of sexy skin (and other attributes that are even sexier than skin!) showing.

Oracle gets in a helicopter to go slap Hawkwoman into some clothing. Meanwhile she leaves a fully robed figure behind in her clocktower computer lair slash apartment slash rave-space. As she flies to the battle, Nightwing continues to surprise the Hawks with his skill and his good cheer and his optimism and his finely honed glutes. The eczema sticks he fights with aren't very interesting. Even if they were spelled correctly.

Is "peacock" a joke about Dick's name?

The robed figure is Black Canary. She was in a robe because fishnets get cold on planets out of space and time. Also she was hiding from the flying, spying, listening bacon making machines. Oracle called her in so she could scream into the Absorbascons and cause the Hawks to go deaf. Then they'd lose their balance and fly into walls and vomit all over themselves. What a hilarious prank!

Some people would have typed "what an hilarious prank" but those people are pretentious jerkos!

Black Canary screams and the Hawks are all, "Eek! Ouch! No fair!"

Watch it, Hawkwoman! She means business! Notice her hair is up?

Hawkwoman smashes Oracle's helicopter with her mace. Instead of making a small dent, it destroys the fucking aircraft because her mace is electrified. It's also probably made out of Nth Metal. That'll teach Babs to make helicopters out of anything but inertrite. Babs crashes, crawls out of the wreckage, and climbs into her wheelchair. Hawkwoman, being ableist as fuck and gross and icky too, begins to walk away figuring that a crippled woman that just barely survived a helicopter crash has been defeated. But Babs pulls out her excretion sticks and calls Hawkwoman "Buzzard Girl." Yeesh. Have some respect! At least call her Buzzard Woman.

The name calling causes Oracle to get punched in the face really, really hard.

Of course she underestimates Babs! Her hair is down! Who wouldn't think they could easily defeat a sexy woman in a wheelchair?

Nightwing has defeated Hawkman and Black Canary, monitoring Oracle's computer program, hacks the Brainiac bots so they can destroy the bacon-making machines. The Hawks are defeated. Instead of killing the Hawks like the rules clearly state, Oracle invites them to live in Gotham. Does she also invite all of the other citizens of Flashpoint Gotham? Are they simply condemned to die? Maybe I should turn the page to find out instead of assuming the worst.

Nope. No offer of salvation. They're all doomed to die! Except we all know, every DC reader in the world, that all of the cities will be saved! Even the bad ones full of bad people who are totally bad.

At the wedding, Dick mentions an earthquake. That was also mentioned in Convergence: Superman #2! It must be Skartaris collapsing on top of Telos and freeing everybody from Brainiac's control. What happens to all the cities on this planet after that? I guess that's DC Editorial's decision!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #2 Rating: I see what's going on now! The writers on Convergence were told to write a story bringing back characters from past DC Timelines. But they weren't just supposed to bring them back as they were! They were supposed to make some kind of big change to them to make their returns more meaningful! So in The Titans, Roy Harper got Lian Harper back from the dead. In Superman, Clark and Lois had little Jonathan Samuel Kent. In The Question, Renee Montoya was to get back with Batwoman or have her father die or redeem Two-face or all of those. And in this one, Babs and Dick were married. So instead of all of these Convergence issues ending with some heroes and cities meeting their dooms, they're just making a huge change to these old characters. The actual Multiversal Thunderdome part of it kind of disappears in each Issue #2 as the main threat is taken care of behind the scenes in the Convergence Weekly book.

Divergence: Midnighter
"Spinning out of Grayson comes a solo series starring the man who can predict your every move ... but no one will be able to predict what he'll do next!"

Why should anybody be able to predict what Midnighter will do next? Those two statements really have nothing to do with each other except that they both have the word "predict" in them. Get rid of the fucking "but!" Hee hee. Fucking butt.

The Sneak Peek begins with a surprise scene that nobody could have predicted!

Midnighter wears Batman underwear?! I mean, Midnighter and Apollo aren't together?! I couldn't figure out which was more shocking so I went with both but put them in "most shocking to me" order.

This is more proof that DC Comics is afraid of female sexuality. They don't care about gay sexuality as long as it's between two men because this comic still has a Teen Rating. But if this were Batwoman? Or Catwoman? Teen Plus, baby! Maybe it's mostly because they're old fashioned and still believe that the majority of comic book readers are heterosexual males. So male readers (unless they're gay!) won't be titillated by this and thus it doesn't need a Teen Plus Rating. But if a heterosexual male were to read Batwoman kissing Renee on the lips and then down the neck and then along the breasts and then on her erect nipples and then on her underboob and then on her...I just lost interest in continuing that sentence for some reason. You get the idea!

Midnighter rushes out of bed to go murder some Warrior-style gang members who have already killed four people.

I was just speaking of pantloads earlier when I lost interest in my sentence!

The gang members have a gun that turns people into demons. But Midnighter notices that the bullets are "body-snatcher bullets" which transmit information allowing aliens to beam down into the bodies of the victims. Midnighter kills one because it beamed into one of the gang members. But one of the shots of the gun went wild and hit a little girl standing nearby. That alien he just threatens while mentioning some of the classic work he's done as a member of Stormwatch (unless he's never been a member! What's the status on Stormwatch since the Crayola Timelords?! I forget!). The alien flees and Midnighter walks off through the fire and blood and general destruction caused when he saved everybody's lives. The end!

I'm sure Apollo will wind up being a frequent guest star, right? Right?!

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1

I wish we were getting disco collar Nightwing.

My armpits stink but I don't want to take a shower or change my shirt. Is slathering a ton of cheap deodorant under my arms a solution? I think that's a viable alternative, right? I suppose I should take a shower before leaving the house in an hour or so but then my hair will be all flat and boring instead of having the 24-hours-since-the-last-wash, been-slept-on tussled hair that is so adorable to people that love the serial killer on a three day bender look. I think the haven't-shaved-in-six-months-because-I-don't-care-about-anything-since-my-cat-died beard really helps round out the style. It definitely helps keep people from talking to me. Except people looking to buy heroin but I can ignore them and they just move on because I might have been a hallucination. Anyway, it's the perfect look to go get some kimbap from a food cart.

Why is Hawkan cockblocking Dick Grayson on the cover of this comic book? I thought this was going to just be twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson eating pussy. Oh! Sorry! This is a Gail Simone book. I meant to say "twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson playing Scrabble." I forgot it's wittier if you're subtle about what you really mean!

I think I'm going to start typing "Wink, Wink!" after every single sentence I type so that people get super horny while reading my stuff. Wink, wink!

It's going to be really confusing when I publish my non-fiction book on the Spanish Missions of California. Wink, wink!

This issue begins in El Inferno! That is a city, right? Steampunk Blue Beetle and the rest of the Justice Riders have just gotten their clocks cleaned by Flashpoint Hawkman and Flashpoint Hawkwoman. Wink, wink! I forgot to wink on the first two sentences. Wink, wink!

Should I be wink, winking after the wink, wink sentences? Maybe I should just stop doing it altogether. Just try to remember that everything I type is an innuendo for two sets of genitals touching. Maybe three sets if you're into mocha swirl! Mmm, ice cream! I think I'm going to get a salted caramel shake after eating kimbap!

Reap the whirlwind, M'urrphee! Reap it!

The Hawks win Round One of Multiversal Thunderdome and fly off to find the next champions. I'm pretty sure those next champions will be Nightwing and Oracle because I saw the cover.

Nightwing is busy stopping a jewelry heist at a museum while Oracle talks him out of crashing through expensive skylights. He's after Mister Freeze which just seems weird since Mister Freeze just participated in an attempt on Poison Ivy's garden earlier that day. Or maybe later? Either way, he has the same attitude. He must have been excited enough to plan two separate robberies but then he doesn't really give a shit when his plans are ruined. He must be bi-POLAR! Ha ha!

Ugh. I bet that pun has been used like five million times.

After the police take Mister Freeze away (this must be his second heist and he just walked away from Penguin's gang earlier), Nightwing goes radio silent to meet with Kory. Wink, wink!

Why is Kory in Gotham? Is she going to be Best Man at Babs and Dick's wedding? It's tradition to fuck your best man, right?

Dick and Babs go out to dinner later and he asks her to marry him. I'm pretty sure he's using Bruce's kryptonite ring to ask her. But Babs is all, "I can't!" And Dick is all, "Why?" And Babs is all, "Have you seen how awful you're being drawn here?"

"You just don't look like you! You look a little bit like the kid who plays Superboy in Smallville if he just climbed up out of a chimney."

After Dick runs out of the restaurant crying, he marries Starfire and a completely different fandom ruins their underwear.

Actually, the dome drops just at that moment and then the Hawks appear before Babs can tell Dick she was just kidding and she will marry him because now they actually have honeymoon options.

The Hawks threaten Babs because they have absorbascons which are things that absorb stuff and make bacon. They identify Barbara Gordon as the secret brain of Gotham City. The Batcomputer would be so pissed to hear that. But Babs knows somebody who is the secret heart of Gotham!

Holy Christ, there's a door right there! He truly is Bruce's son, isn't he?

The Hawks offer a deal. They will lose on purpose if they can remain in the winning city (Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Duh!). Except they'll only agree to throw the fight if they get to rule Gotham afterward. Nightwing refuses, of course. They give him a final hour to make his decision. After that, if he refuses, they'll be defeated by him. They don't think they'll be defeated by him but they will be! It's how it has to work! Pre-Flashpoint Gotham must survive! Especially since so many super heroes were visiting it when it was taken. I bet Superman is here as well and he'll have to fight his scrawny Super cousin from Flashpoint Gotham.

Nightwing thinks he has to fight alone but that's because he's a guy and he forgets how tricksy and manipulative jerky girls can be. They're always all, "Let's go to the roller rink!" But what they really mean is "I want to suck your dick in the parking lot!" Bah! But I was all excited to skate!

Can Oracle hack bacon making machines?

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1 Rating: It's been a long time since I gave a shit about romantic plots in stories. I understand it's the main rage in every fandom with everybody shipping everybody else (the name of that ship is "EverBody"). But it just doesn't do anything for me anymore. I do get emotional connections to movies and books and comic books but they rarely have anything to do with the love interests. Sure, I used to get all mushy stomached reading shit like when Skywise met Aroree in Elfquest, or when David and Maddie were trying to solve a mystery and they'd almost kiss, or when Kevin would awkwardly talk with Winnie at the bus stop. But somewhere along the way I got all cold-hearted and immune to shipping. Show me the relationship between a person and an animal and my heart will be breaking all over the place. But set up a love story between Dick and Babs and...well, I just don't feel a thing.

No wait! That's not entirely true! If a love story is full of nostalgia for the way I felt as a youth, it can turn me into a weeping mass of tears and naked flesh (I like to be entertained while naked!). So something like Sailor Moon can trigger my ability to ship as hard as anybody on Tumblr! But this story just isn't for me and my cynical, frozen heart.

Oh boy, I hope they get married next issue and Starfire stands up bawling and runs from the room! That's the kind of entertainment I'm looking for!

On second thought, all that stuff in the synopsois at the end kind of tugged at my heartstrings. No wonder people were dying for this issue! *bawl!* I mean, Wink, wink!

Action Comics Annual #2

I haven't even opened the cover and I think it's accurate to say "Krypton Returns" will be the shittiest comic book story I will ever read in my entire life.

I don't think Scott Lobdell is capable of writing a comic book story without the cheat of Time Travel. That's because it's easy to think, "The DC Universe is like this. But what if it had been like this!" Then you create a character that comes from that future place to make the present place turn into that future place. Or you send a character from the future into the past to change the present! Or you...well, I'm tired of thinking of things Scott Lobdell can do with time travel. Mostly he just drives me insane. See you on the other side of sanity!

Thankfully the first page gives the reader a synopsis of Superman's life. His planet exploded. He was raised to be good. He's a member of the Justice League. Got it! I think I'm ready to understand the underlying themes inherent in this dramatization! Although Lobdell forgot to mention how people have an inherent distrust of Superman because he's an alien and he's more powerful than human beings.

Superman has found himself in space where a Temporal Tsunami is causing suns to flare and die. But even worse, it's causing "oceans to give way to mountains of ice or seas of primordial lava." Wait. Is that worse? I don't know. It's a stupid event because Scott Lobdell created it. And that's my unbiased opinion!

Okay, it's slightly biased. I wonder if Scott Lobdell thinks critics hate his writing simply because they're assholes who don't like him rather than the truth of the matter which is that Scott Lobdell sucks at writing? The problem is that he sucks so badly that I don't think I'll ever recognize when he writes something well. Because I'll already be rolling my eyes and thinking up mean things to call the misguided doctor that delivered him safely instead of strangling him at birth. I wish I could create a Temporal Tsunami and change that fateful day! Of course, everybody would completely freak out if I ran into a delivery room and choked a newborn. But I'd be sure to bring copies of his comic books with me so I could use them in my defense. "But Judge! Read these and then just try to tell me what I did was abhorrent! You'll see! I was only saving comic books! It was justifiable homicide! I've saved this timeline!"

Superman was yanked from Earth to the Temporal Tsunami. He then sees a gigantic glowing portal in space and thinks:

Yes, that's perfectly logical. Lost in space? Best thing to do is fly into a swirling blue portal! That should take you home! Or will it take you to the source of the Time Distortion? Make up your mind, Superman!

Inside the Portal, Superman runs into Supergirl and Superboy. Sheesh, what names! I guess Kryptonians lack imagination.

"Your honor, I'd like to introduce Exhibit #1 for my defense. Come on! Admit it! You kind of want to choke that baby now too, right?"

Inside the Blue Portal, The Supers discover Oracle! Who is Oracle, you ask? How should I describe him? Have you ever been having sex with somebody and it was awful, just terrible. But you still figured the orgasm was going to be worth it. So you kept at it, minute after minute, issue after issue, and you just kept thinking about the orgasm and how this fuck was going to Goddamn at least make you feel good at the end of it. And then you blacked out and woke up with an out of order sign covering your genitalia? Also imagine if a Wolverine were trying to make a nest in your rectum during the entire process. Also somebody was reciting William Carlos Williams' poetry softly into your ear. In other words, you'd be confused, bored, disappointed, and in pain. Well that pretty much sums up the reveal of Oracle in Lobdell's H'el on Earth story. And now he's back for more! Somebody lube up the wolverine!

The Omniscient Narrator reveals that the Omniscient Being known as The Oracle is just one of an entire race of omniscient creatures that mostly don't interfere with the Omniverse unless something is about to destroy it. But since they're omniscient, they know that the universe won't be destroyed because they interfered with it! God, life as an omniscient being must fucking suck ass. If you're not into sucking ass. I meant that as a bad thing but I can see how it's sometimes a good thing, so I just wanted to be clear.

And it's a good thing Oracle decided to interfere or else The Supers would never have glanced over their shoulders to see Krypton come back to reality! I'm so fucking happy that this character has been so integral to this story! If the Oracle hadn't arrived to point, the story never could have continued and Superman would never have been able to defeat the Temporal Tsunami! This might just be the most brilliant use ever of an Omniscient, Godlike being! I also think I'm beginning to acclimate to having a wolverine shoved into my anus.

Actually, it just looks like a pile of metal shavings and shrapnel stacked up on somebody's dead front lawn. I'm not going to scan a picture of Krypton because it looks exactly like I just described it.

Oracle takes off because his job has been well done. He deserves some galaxy sized Oreos as a reward. Meanwhile, The Supers don't begin losing their powers underneath the Red Sun of Krypton because I don't see a sun anywhere nearby. Perhaps H'el pushed a moon in front of it.

Sorry, I was mistaken! The Oracle did not leave. Instead he shoved his way into Superboy's mind so he can explicate the goings on of the whatsit and stuff. Also, he teleports the Supers to the surface of one of Kyrpton's moons.

Actually nobody on Krypton would dare to visit because they have no way of escaping the gravity of the planet. I know, I know. H'el solved that problem during his twenty-five years of changed history. But the Omniscient Narrator doesn't know that!

Once Oracle takes over Superboy so that it can talk to Superman which is exactly what Superman wanted, Superman tells him to get out of Superboy first and then they'll talk. Does Scott Lobdell remember anything he writes? It was just in the script two pages ago! Superman already explained to the others how The Oracle didn't talk but used emotions to communicate. And now it's found a way to talk and Superman is telling it to fuck off? See, Judge? SEE! I can see you imagining your hands around that tiny baby's throat right now! Nobody would have to suffer through this misery if only a heroic time traveler would go back and change it all! Sure, it would be at the cost of his own freedom and probably his life because judges are stupid jerks that won't listen to reason in matters of infanticide! But, Goddamn, it would be so totally worth it!

Oracle continues spouting nonsense.

Oracle's people observed all life before the beginning of time. Nonsense! To an omniscient being, time has no ending nor any beginning.

Oracle mentions that "almost before the planet started to cool, it was clear that Krypton presented a problem." Wrong! Krypton presented a problem before, during, and after it existed. The problem was dealt with before, during, and after it existed. The problem was never a fucking problem because it always never was forever dealt with before it was a problem.

The bottom line is that, and I might be explaining this better than the comic book explained it, H'el is caught in an infinite time loop. He sends the cells that will become him into space. They eventually wind up on Earth as the humanoid H'el. He battles Superman and Supergirl and loses. He's shot into the past to land on Krypton. Once on Krypton, he sends his cells back into space and fucks with time a different way each time he returns to this point of the loop. So in H'el #1, we saw him kill Zod and Jor-el. Other times, he's stopped the clone wars, or became Jor-el's fuck buddy, or sucked every dick on Krypton. He's tried almost everything because he has an infinite amount of opportunities although I don't know how he remembers it all from one life to the next. I guess he injects the cells with his genetic memory or some other technojargon. But his screwing with time has caused a Temporal Tsunami. And now Oracle is here to tell Superman to fix it right the fuck now or else. Of course Supergirl isn't going to want to play along because she has Krypton back and fuck the rest of the universe. Although I don't know how Superman is going to get anything done under a Red Sun. Hopefully he's in a timeline where H'el has managed to turn the Red Sun into a Yellow Sun. Although that would mean an entire world of Superpeople that Superman will have to deal with. And wouldn't the planet itself, Krypton, kill them all since it's made out of Kryptonite?!

Oracle must have explained enough because Kara slaps him out of Superboy so that they can get on with saving Omnithing.

Faora lives on the moon because she's insane and/or desperate.

Faora knows all about H'el and his time shenanigans because Oracle told her. He probably had to tell her an infinite number of times until she finally believed him for some reason. It was probably a lot like Groundhog Day. I don't know why he was so forthcoming with Faora though. And why did Rocafort give her a cane just like Doctor Veritas? Are they the same person?!

Superman spends one thought bubble thinking about how he hopes his powers keep working under the red sun. I bet that's the only mention of that ever because everybody forgot about it until the book was ready to print and then some upstart Associate Editor said, "Um, you know Krypton has a red sun, right?" After that, Superman learns that he is going to have to go back in time with his Super Family and pull a great big fucking Marty McFly. You know. He has to return time to its correct path. Which means...dun dun DUN...SUPERMAN WILL BE THE CAUSE OF KRYPTON'S DESTRUCTION! WHAT A TWIST!

I hate how only characters in Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking comic books call the Universe "the Omniverse." Suck my Omnidick.

Anyway, Faora sends the three Supers back to different points in time to change history so that it gets back on course: Superman to stop H'el when he succeeds in keeping the planet from exploding; Supergirl to make sure the clone war does something or other; Superboy to make sure Supergirl is shoved onto a rocket and sent to Earth. I don't think she sent anybody back to stop H'el from sending his cells into space in the first place though, so it'll all just happen again. Fuck poorly written time travel stories. Why am I still commenting on this crap? Here's what happens in the next three parts: the Supers get Krypton to blow up again and everyone is saved and these three versions of the Supers disappear and this story never fucking happened and nobody remembers anything. Except one little thing will be changed, like Superman will meet his baby self and put some memento into the rocket or something. The end.

Action Comics Annual #2 Rating: Fuck everybody.

Superman #17

Hooray! Three cheers for the conclusion of H'el on Earth!

The only problem with H'el on Earth ending is that Scott Lobdell will be starting a new story directly after it!

I hope this Oracle character is super interesting and makes the whole thing worth it. I can't wait to hear what sage wisdom and sugary advice it gives our heroes! Let's dive right in, shall we?

Scott Lobdell begins with an omniscient narrator instead of having a character narrate like he usually does. Perhaps Oracle himself is narrating! Or herself. Or itself. I don't think it had any distinguishing primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The narration is about Superman since he was just flung into space by H'el and was caught by Oracle. But what is Oracle, Narrator?

Aha! That's what Oracle is! He appears when a person fucks with time and says, "Shame! Shaaaaaame!" Except he must have only come into existence due to The Flash fucking with time in Flashpoint since The Oracle didn't appear to The Flash and say, "Shame. Shaaaaaaame!"

The Oracle speaks to Superman in the most confusing way possible: by showing him images of the past and the maybe past and the shouldn't be past. I think it shows Superman in Kryptonian Garb arguing with Normal Looking H'el and maybe Superman in Kryptonian Garb sucking face with his mother. Except I'm probably wrong about all of that because I'm just as confused as Superman!

I hope that wasn't the last we'll see of Oracle! He deserves his own title! It can simply be composed of twenty pages of various panels from DC's Preboot comic books.

Superman shrugs his shoulders because he needs to get back to Earth and stop H'el. Although Superman suddenly doesn't want to stop H'el! I mean, he wants to save the lives of everyone on Earth. But he's suddenly sympathetic to H'el's cause to save Krypton. What a fool! Didn't he learn anything about mucking with time from Superman the Movie? Oh, yeah. I guess he did learn something: go for it because it always works out in the end and doesn't cause anybody any harm.

Batman and the others tell Superman to go save the planet because they're pretty much useless in situations like this. They're just going to sit around the Watchtower pushing buttons and reading monitors and hoping they don't suddenly cease to exist. And while they fiddle about waiting for the end of the world, the Narrator decides to fill the readers in on H'el's plan (just in case they've forgotten after the multiple reminders in every issue of H'el on Earth).

Really? The "imminent" destruction of Krypton? I guess if you have a time machine, everything is imminent! At least Lobdell got the "arctic" part of the story correct. Perhaps the elementary school website I linked to long ago helped him sort out the differences between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Man! I should have quizzed him about that when I met him at the Portland Comic Con!

With Wonder Woman's girl-on-girl advice, Supergirl has finally realized that H'el's sexy shaved upper pubic area is no consolation for his lying, murderous, insane ways! She's decided to help Superboy and Wonder Woman shut down his time travel project.

Speaking of Time Travel, Primer is once again available on Netflix. Anybody reading this that has Netflix, I highly recommend the movie Primer. Good, good time travel stuff.

Superboy is able to destroy H'el's Star Fuel Machine with his Tactile Telekinesis which he finally has the use of again because H'el ripped off the Super Suit that was keeping him from using it. But not in time! Because H'el has a time machine! He can use it to go back in time and stop Superboy from destroying the Star Fuel Machine! Oh, but he doesn't need to. His time machine is all fueled up and ready to go. Now he's just waiting for the navigation system to align with the proper chronus-portal and he'll be off to Krypton, leaving a gaping hole in our solar system and destroying it.

Superman finally comes charging in from space to begin pummeling H'el. What he should be doing is pummeling H'el's time machine because we've seen what happens when Superman goes toe to toe with H'el! Superman can't match all of H'el's amazing powers that really make no sense if he's merely another Kryptonian. He must be something else since he has super teleporting breath and super DNA unraveling vision and super duper super strength. Maybe if Superboy isn't feeling too sick from trying to keep his DNA inside himself, he'll remember to destroy H'el's time machine now that he's destroyed the time machine's fuel source too late.

I wonder where Oracle went?

"Making this up as I go along." We know, Lobdell, we know. I mean Superboy!

The next minor thing that happens is purely idiotic and unnecessary but I think Lobdell just can't help himself at this point.

Oh look! H'el planned it all right down to this moment! Because that's all he's been doing is planning! The revelation isn't even needed. It just makes this moment worse. How about H'el just built a hardy ship that's majorly resistant to physical trauma? That's easy to accept because it only means he took care against Superman trying to stop him. But I think this is Lobdell's way to show why these idiot heroes haven't just smashed the shit out of his ship. Because H'el planned the diversion! Or something. Whatever. Fuck you, Harvest. I mean H'el.

H'el punches Superman off of him and Superboy exclaims he's never seen anything hit that hard in his life. Since Superman only flies a few dozen feet, I guess Superboy didn't see when H'el punched Superman into space.

With that amazing punch that Superman barely felt, H'el gets away and is about to enter his Time Machine when Kara asks him to forgive her and take her with him. Oh baby! How can anybody say no to that sweet face and the Kryptonite you're hiding in your underwear? Come on board!

Oh snap! Didn't plan for that, did you bitch?!

H'el drips blood that burns like acid and reveals that he was keeping the portals open psionically which is why he needed Superboy to free the ship from the Fueling Station. But what does that reveal about H'el? There's no way he's a Kryptonian! Perhaps he was a biological experiment created by Jor-el? Wounded although most likely not mortally, H'el falls backwards through one of the chronus-portals never to be heard from again! Well, as long as Scott Lobdell doesn't keep writing Superman. If Lobdell is still writing Superman around this time next year, I figure H'el will be back around then.

And then I get to have one of those rare moments where I scan in a scene by Lobdell that I really like! Enjoy this rare moment!

Such a well-written scene!

No, no. Just kidding! Although I should have saved that shot for the "THE END OF H'EL ON EARTH" Supergirl Bum Shot! Here's the real scene:

That'll happen when you hide Kryptonite in your hoo-ha.

Afterward, The Oracle wishes it could cheer because Superman didn't do anything Superman wasn't supposed to do anyway and has always done no matter how many times The Oracle experiences it. Except apparently time has changed because Lobdell says, "The past has been changed" in the teaser box for next issue. Also because H'el did make it back to Krypton with the Kryptonite stuck in his chest and without his time machine space ship.

So basically H'el spent all those years planning a plan that he didn't even need? He didn't need to suck up our solar system's energy to fuel his ship to travel back in time and through space. He simply had to open a chronus-portal and jump the fuck through all by himself. Fuck, he's an idiot.

Superman #17 Rating: Let's do some math to figure out how I'll change the Ranking! I'll give it a +1 for the Supergirl stabbing H'el in the chest with the Kryptonite. And I'll give it another +1 for the homage to Crisis on Infinite Earths! It'll get another +1 for the leaving it up to her baby cousin line! That's +3 Rankings so far! But it'll get a -1 for the stupid ass build up to the Oracle that fucking did nothing. It gets a -1 for the stupid ass plan by H'el which completely failed and yet still delivered him to Krypton. It gets a -1 for stupid ass time travel post Flashpoint. So now it's even! Oh! It gets a -1 for Batman feeling Superman punch H'el all the way up in the satellite and Batman NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! Are you trying to make Batman look stupid, Mr. Lobdell?! So that means Superman gets a -1 Ranking this month! And that's simply because I'm being fucking kind. How dare you pull that Oracle shit, Mr. Lobdell. How. Fucking. Dare. You. Build up this bullshit character for months and then have it do absolutely nothing except make Superman think, "Great. Real helpful, that."

Fuck you.

Superboy #17

Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.

I believe the last issue of H'el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H'el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.

But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this "Superboy" character is and where he came from?"

To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.

This issue is called "Lost Cause." Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H'el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H'el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H'el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It's just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn't exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they'd still get together and he'd be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that...well, you get the idea. That's nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!

I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won't be anywhere near as fun and exciting.

The first few pages repeat a bunch of shit from all the other issues of H'el on Earth. Just get on with the fucking story! Stop wasting pages simply to have everyone repeat everything EVERY FUCKING ISSUE. Or in the same issue as well! As you can see from the panel above, Superboy informs everyone of H'el's plan. So now that we're all caught up on that, it probably doesn't need to be mentioned again, does it?

Oh! Good thing H'el fucking reminded me about his plans just a few pages later. I'd forgotten!

But if Supergirl is helping H'el, why didn't Kal-el help? I know you've mentioned it before six or seven times, H'el. But could you remind me what the problem was?

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. How do you still have a job? Regurgitating the same fucking dialogue and stories again and again?

Just a sample of the same conversation from Superboy #15.

H'el ditches Supergirl to go spout Earth aphorisms at the Justice League before destroying Superboy with his Amazing Powers That Defy Explanation* (*or, at the very least, nobody is fucking willing to explain them).

The Aphorism.

The Inexplicable Powers.

Well, I guess that's it for Superboy eight pages into his comic book. Unless he somehow pulls himself together with his tactile telekinesis. Perhaps even Superboy will hitch a ride to Krypton Past.

Superman battles H'el and instead of asking Wonder Woman for help since H'el has previously kicked his ass without so much as a single bead of sweat dripping down his perfectly sculpted abs and cleanly shaved upper pubic area, he sends her to find Superboy and help him. Since H'el used his magic powers to remove Superman's suit from Superboy, Superboy's DNA is falling apart again. But guess what?! He uses his tactile telekinesis to pull himself back together so he can get back into the fight! Wonder Woman just wanders off somewhere. Wander Woman!

While Superboy is recovering, he has an encounter with The Oracle's Herald who tells him a great big stupid lie that's supposed to be exciting foreshadowing about the character of Superboy!

Oh shut up! It's like I've lost all power to rationally deconstruct all of the shittery that leaks out of DeFalco's ass. All that I'm left with is the impotent protestation that he shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Since Superboy is a clone, he's obviously against nature. Therefore no omnipotent being could have predicted his creation. Therefore he has no fate or destiny and is the only creature in all of existence (besides all of the other clones!) that has free will. The basis for this "idea" is so mired in horrible philosophy and theological belief that I find it childish and laughable as a plot point. But the best part? This was simply Tom DeFalco farting in the wind! Since he doesn't plan anything, nothing will fucking come of this anyway! After the crossover, Superboy will go back to his existential crises and his dates that end in violence.

The Herald leaves Superboy and heads off to have a conversation with the mute Oracle. He discusses how Earth contains five anomalies and "any one of them could disrupt the delicate balance cosmic." Really? I've had it up to my fucking cowlick with "cosmic plans" and "saving future time lines" and "chosen ones" (who are apparently thought of as anomalies by the great cosmic monsters!) and all that other bullshit. What it all comes down to is simply lazy writing. Can't think of an intriguing and interesting story grounded in characterization and reality like the one in Batman and Robin Annual #1? Just say vague things about the end of the world or the end of all time or the end of the universe. Allow people to see the future or time travel so they know exactly what must be done. Mix in some technobabble, pseudo-religious bullshit, and a few Deus ex Machinas, and voila! A story that seems epic but is actually shallow as shit.

As Superboy pulls himself together to stop the Star Chamber, Supergirl appears and begins knocking him all over the arctic. He doesn't fight back. He just tries to convince her H'el is a big fat liar. But she won't listen to reason. But maybe she'll listen to a sexy catfight!

Sorry! Sorry! I just watched the Futurama episode where Leela and Amy become Butterfly Fighters and Fry says, "Rowwwwr! Mrrroowwwrrr!" while making cat claws about seventeen thousand times during that episode. By the way, I have a huge crush on Amy Wong.

While Wonder Woman and Supergirl's super sexy fight of wonder continues over in Supergirl #17 (hopefully for the entire thing!), Superboy picks himself up one last time and heads toward the star chamber to destroy it. Will he succeed? Well, according to Superman #0, no. Unless Supes finds another way home later.

Superboy #17 Rating: No change. While I mostly despised this issue, a lot of that stems from my own personal bias for certain types of stories that use logic and characterization to propel the action. But I have to say that from the point Superboy encountered Supergirl, I actually enjoyed the rest of the comic book. That whole scene in the last seven pages pretty much saved it for me. The dialogue between Superboy and Supergirl was actually pretty nice. I think Supergirl being under H'el's spell because she feels he loves her is a bit icky. I'd rather her single motivation was to restore Krypton and not have it be tied into some school girl crush. But Superboy actually acted like a hero here. That was fucking nice to see. And Wonder Woman coming out of nowhere to punch Supergirl through three glaciers? That's always fun. Perhaps my will was just worn out by the end of the comic book? Or perhaps DeFalco actually wrote a good scene. I think the jury is still out on which it was.