Action Comics Annual #2

I haven't even opened the cover and I think it's accurate to say "Krypton Returns" will be the shittiest comic book story I will ever read in my entire life.

I don't think Scott Lobdell is capable of writing a comic book story without the cheat of Time Travel. That's because it's easy to think, "The DC Universe is like this. But what if it had been like this!" Then you create a character that comes from that future place to make the present place turn into that future place. Or you send a character from the future into the past to change the present! Or you...well, I'm tired of thinking of things Scott Lobdell can do with time travel. Mostly he just drives me insane. See you on the other side of sanity!

Thankfully the first page gives the reader a synopsis of Superman's life. His planet exploded. He was raised to be good. He's a member of the Justice League. Got it! I think I'm ready to understand the underlying themes inherent in this dramatization! Although Lobdell forgot to mention how people have an inherent distrust of Superman because he's an alien and he's more powerful than human beings.

Superman has found himself in space where a Temporal Tsunami is causing suns to flare and die. But even worse, it's causing "oceans to give way to mountains of ice or seas of primordial lava." Wait. Is that worse? I don't know. It's a stupid event because Scott Lobdell created it. And that's my unbiased opinion!

Okay, it's slightly biased. I wonder if Scott Lobdell thinks critics hate his writing simply because they're assholes who don't like him rather than the truth of the matter which is that Scott Lobdell sucks at writing? The problem is that he sucks so badly that I don't think I'll ever recognize when he writes something well. Because I'll already be rolling my eyes and thinking up mean things to call the misguided doctor that delivered him safely instead of strangling him at birth. I wish I could create a Temporal Tsunami and change that fateful day! Of course, everybody would completely freak out if I ran into a delivery room and choked a newborn. But I'd be sure to bring copies of his comic books with me so I could use them in my defense. "But Judge! Read these and then just try to tell me what I did was abhorrent! You'll see! I was only saving comic books! It was justifiable homicide! I've saved this timeline!"

Superman was yanked from Earth to the Temporal Tsunami. He then sees a gigantic glowing portal in space and thinks:

Yes, that's perfectly logical. Lost in space? Best thing to do is fly into a swirling blue portal! That should take you home! Or will it take you to the source of the Time Distortion? Make up your mind, Superman!

Inside the Portal, Superman runs into Supergirl and Superboy. Sheesh, what names! I guess Kryptonians lack imagination.

"Your honor, I'd like to introduce Exhibit #1 for my defense. Come on! Admit it! You kind of want to choke that baby now too, right?"

Inside the Blue Portal, The Supers discover Oracle! Who is Oracle, you ask? How should I describe him? Have you ever been having sex with somebody and it was awful, just terrible. But you still figured the orgasm was going to be worth it. So you kept at it, minute after minute, issue after issue, and you just kept thinking about the orgasm and how this fuck was going to Goddamn at least make you feel good at the end of it. And then you blacked out and woke up with an out of order sign covering your genitalia? Also imagine if a Wolverine were trying to make a nest in your rectum during the entire process. Also somebody was reciting William Carlos Williams' poetry softly into your ear. In other words, you'd be confused, bored, disappointed, and in pain. Well that pretty much sums up the reveal of Oracle in Lobdell's H'el on Earth story. And now he's back for more! Somebody lube up the wolverine!

The Omniscient Narrator reveals that the Omniscient Being known as The Oracle is just one of an entire race of omniscient creatures that mostly don't interfere with the Omniverse unless something is about to destroy it. But since they're omniscient, they know that the universe won't be destroyed because they interfered with it! God, life as an omniscient being must fucking suck ass. If you're not into sucking ass. I meant that as a bad thing but I can see how it's sometimes a good thing, so I just wanted to be clear.

And it's a good thing Oracle decided to interfere or else The Supers would never have glanced over their shoulders to see Krypton come back to reality! I'm so fucking happy that this character has been so integral to this story! If the Oracle hadn't arrived to point, the story never could have continued and Superman would never have been able to defeat the Temporal Tsunami! This might just be the most brilliant use ever of an Omniscient, Godlike being! I also think I'm beginning to acclimate to having a wolverine shoved into my anus.

Actually, it just looks like a pile of metal shavings and shrapnel stacked up on somebody's dead front lawn. I'm not going to scan a picture of Krypton because it looks exactly like I just described it.

Oracle takes off because his job has been well done. He deserves some galaxy sized Oreos as a reward. Meanwhile, The Supers don't begin losing their powers underneath the Red Sun of Krypton because I don't see a sun anywhere nearby. Perhaps H'el pushed a moon in front of it.

Sorry, I was mistaken! The Oracle did not leave. Instead he shoved his way into Superboy's mind so he can explicate the goings on of the whatsit and stuff. Also, he teleports the Supers to the surface of one of Kyrpton's moons.

Actually nobody on Krypton would dare to visit because they have no way of escaping the gravity of the planet. I know, I know. H'el solved that problem during his twenty-five years of changed history. But the Omniscient Narrator doesn't know that!

Once Oracle takes over Superboy so that it can talk to Superman which is exactly what Superman wanted, Superman tells him to get out of Superboy first and then they'll talk. Does Scott Lobdell remember anything he writes? It was just in the script two pages ago! Superman already explained to the others how The Oracle didn't talk but used emotions to communicate. And now it's found a way to talk and Superman is telling it to fuck off? See, Judge? SEE! I can see you imagining your hands around that tiny baby's throat right now! Nobody would have to suffer through this misery if only a heroic time traveler would go back and change it all! Sure, it would be at the cost of his own freedom and probably his life because judges are stupid jerks that won't listen to reason in matters of infanticide! But, Goddamn, it would be so totally worth it!

Oracle continues spouting nonsense.

Oracle's people observed all life before the beginning of time. Nonsense! To an omniscient being, time has no ending nor any beginning.

Oracle mentions that "almost before the planet started to cool, it was clear that Krypton presented a problem." Wrong! Krypton presented a problem before, during, and after it existed. The problem was dealt with before, during, and after it existed. The problem was never a fucking problem because it always never was forever dealt with before it was a problem.

The bottom line is that, and I might be explaining this better than the comic book explained it, H'el is caught in an infinite time loop. He sends the cells that will become him into space. They eventually wind up on Earth as the humanoid H'el. He battles Superman and Supergirl and loses. He's shot into the past to land on Krypton. Once on Krypton, he sends his cells back into space and fucks with time a different way each time he returns to this point of the loop. So in H'el #1, we saw him kill Zod and Jor-el. Other times, he's stopped the clone wars, or became Jor-el's fuck buddy, or sucked every dick on Krypton. He's tried almost everything because he has an infinite amount of opportunities although I don't know how he remembers it all from one life to the next. I guess he injects the cells with his genetic memory or some other technojargon. But his screwing with time has caused a Temporal Tsunami. And now Oracle is here to tell Superman to fix it right the fuck now or else. Of course Supergirl isn't going to want to play along because she has Krypton back and fuck the rest of the universe. Although I don't know how Superman is going to get anything done under a Red Sun. Hopefully he's in a timeline where H'el has managed to turn the Red Sun into a Yellow Sun. Although that would mean an entire world of Superpeople that Superman will have to deal with. And wouldn't the planet itself, Krypton, kill them all since it's made out of Kryptonite?!

Oracle must have explained enough because Kara slaps him out of Superboy so that they can get on with saving Omnithing.

Faora lives on the moon because she's insane and/or desperate.

Faora knows all about H'el and his time shenanigans because Oracle told her. He probably had to tell her an infinite number of times until she finally believed him for some reason. It was probably a lot like Groundhog Day. I don't know why he was so forthcoming with Faora though. And why did Rocafort give her a cane just like Doctor Veritas? Are they the same person?!

Superman spends one thought bubble thinking about how he hopes his powers keep working under the red sun. I bet that's the only mention of that ever because everybody forgot about it until the book was ready to print and then some upstart Associate Editor said, "Um, you know Krypton has a red sun, right?" After that, Superman learns that he is going to have to go back in time with his Super Family and pull a great big fucking Marty McFly. You know. He has to return time to its correct path. Which means...dun dun DUN...SUPERMAN WILL BE THE CAUSE OF KRYPTON'S DESTRUCTION! WHAT A TWIST!

I hate how only characters in Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking comic books call the Universe "the Omniverse." Suck my Omnidick.

Anyway, Faora sends the three Supers back to different points in time to change history so that it gets back on course: Superman to stop H'el when he succeeds in keeping the planet from exploding; Supergirl to make sure the clone war does something or other; Superboy to make sure Supergirl is shoved onto a rocket and sent to Earth. I don't think she sent anybody back to stop H'el from sending his cells into space in the first place though, so it'll all just happen again. Fuck poorly written time travel stories. Why am I still commenting on this crap? Here's what happens in the next three parts: the Supers get Krypton to blow up again and everyone is saved and these three versions of the Supers disappear and this story never fucking happened and nobody remembers anything. Except one little thing will be changed, like Superman will meet his baby self and put some memento into the rocket or something. The end.

Action Comics Annual #2 Rating: Fuck everybody.