Superman Unchained #8

Eight issues in and I still don't fucking understand the title of this comic book.

What the fuck is happening on this cover? Is Superman doing the Ubangi Stomp on the moon while Wraith attempts a forward flip in the weightless environment having forgotten that it's also a vacuum so his blood is exploding out of his skin? And why is Wraith naked? What just happened here?! If I were Jim Lee, I would have signed Dan Jurgen's name to this cover. Jim Lee has the power to do that, right? Doesn't he run the art department at DC? He must be doing something other than drawing since it takes him two to three months to finish an issue of Superman Unchained. Perhaps it takes longer than I realize to scribble inside all of the faces he draws.

Another fun fact to be noted: Superman's eyes are, of course, glowing red. Seems to be standard DC policy whenever Superman appears on a cover. When the fuck did he become Cyclops with no control over his laser vision? Somebody needs to get this asshole some kryptonite shades before he burns the fuck out of everything.

I don't even remember what the fuck was happening last issue and I just reread my commentary on it last night. I think Superman had just humiliated General Sam Lane which completely made Lois ruin her underwear because that's how you convince a woman to marry you, right? You make her father look like a dickless asshole thus supplanting his position as number one male in his daughter's life. Right? Am I wrong on this?!

Wraith had just tried to murder Batman because Wraith is an agent of the United States of America government which means he thinks he's allowed to abuse his power and do whatever the fuck he wants. But Wonder Woman saved Batman's ass because, even though he's the Jeezly Crow Batman, sometimes he just doesn't have enough Bat-gadgets to defeat super powered monsters that could, if they wanted to end the comic book quickly, simply flip a beer cap at Batman's head and explode it like a ripe grapefruit.

Do ripe grapefruits explode like human heads when blasted by a super sonic bottle cap? I think Mythbusters has another myth to bust!

Does it matter that I just made up the myth due to ignorance and hyperactivity?

Oh! One last super unchained important fact that I almost forgot: Jimmy Olsen now has a Kryptonite Infused Masturbation Hand. Thank you, LexCorps!

Lex Luthor should open a farming division called LexCrops.

I feel like I'm unfocused. Am I rambling?

Oh fuck you, Superman. Does Clark Kent make enough money to pay for that?

This issue begins with Superman at a loss for how he's going to defeat Wraith because, once again, Superman is facing a villain far more powerful than the most powerful person in DC Comics. Every week in which a Superman comic book is published, Superman falls a little further down the ladder of DC's Top 500 Most Powerful People in the Omniverse (let me just insert an obligatory "Fuck you, Scott Lobdell" here). As Superman chases Wraith to next week in the Gobi Desert where Superman's punch apparently knocked him, he realizes he has no "damn idea" how to defeat Wraith. So instead of sitting down with Batman and asking for help, he hits Wraith with a cargo ship. How is that any more effective than just building up some speed and focusing a nice solid left hook to Wraith's sperm bag? I'm sure the cargo ship slows Superman down, what with air resistance and trying to balance the thing in flight, so that Superman loses any advantage he has from the added weight of the thing. Plus, Superman must not be thinking clearly because he has one plan that he just keeps going back to over and over and (get ready for a lot of overs) over and over and over and over and over and over again: throw the fucker in the Phantom Zone! And throw General Lane in there while you're at it, Superman. Just pretend you don't know what happened to him. You've managed to lie for years about your secret identity, I think you can manage to lie about Lane's disappearance as well.

Choose Your Own Caption: A. Diana also wouldn't limit herself to options that end with Wraith's heart still beating. B. Oh! Oh! Maybe Clark should unchain his warrior! That was not a penis reference. Not at all. And, frankly, the fact that I have to clarify that to my readers feels a little bit insulting. I am more than dick jokes! I hope. Maybe. Fuck, now I've forgotten what the C. option was going to be!

Wraith destroys the cargo ship with some horsedick (thanks, Goggles!) reasoning about being able to control electromagnetic energy because his body is charged with solar radiation. It's way above my eighth grade science class knowledge (taken in tenth grade, by the way). Or maybe it's just inexplicable in that way science is invariably inexplicable to people that can't stop looking in the mirror to make sure nothing is in their teeth and/or the overly religious.

This country is fucked. Can I say that? Am I allowed to say that? Before work last night, I caught a bit of a PBS show on vaccinations or measles or something. Who can tell really? They should explain it better to people they know are desperately trying to catch up on their Twitter feeds and reading all the sexist comments left for Laura Silverman after she makes a hilarious joke that has nothing to do with the fact that she has a vagina. Anyway, they were interviewing some normal people (if you can call the ignorant group of new mothers they were interviewing "normal") whose defense against not vaccinating their children was "you just can't find the truth anywhere because everybody has a bias" (quotation marks used only to show that I have a vaguely passing memory of the actual quote and not to indicate the exact quote). Yes, yes. Everybody does have a bias. That's so true. It's just, some people's bias is for the fucking truth, you stupid asshand.

What was I saying? Oh yeah! Wraith might be telling me some scientific facts that I should really know for sure whether they are nonsense or not. But since I don't know either way, I'm just going to believe that they're faulty and full of bias and just comic book bullshit instead of thinking, "Hmm. I wonder if I should learn more than the chemical symbol for Oxygen (which everybody knows is a picture of an ox. Although I always forget what the other eleven chemicals of the universe are and what the name of the one with the chemical symbol of monkey is)."

This seems like a really violent excerpt from a lost Dr. Seuss book: "Oh The Things I Could Have Shown You." Now, I know you all instantly pictured in your mind your own genitals. But come on. This is Dr. Seuss! He was never unsubtle or blatant about the sexual situations in his books. He always fancied them up by making the weird pervert into a funny cat wearing a human piece of clothing that decided some kids left home alone needed to see his Thing #1 and Thing #2.

From the Gobi Desert (where the fight had been previously taking place if I hadn't mentioned it. Which, now that I mention it and my brain decides to actually think something up on its own, buggers the question: how far did Superman have to fly with that stupid cargo ship? Is there some kind of Asian nomadic tribe I have never heard about that uses sand vessels to deliver cargo about the Gobi?), Wraith punches Superman to Annapurna which means nothing to me because I'm American and I don't even know what the word "geography" means.

"Oh my god! Where are we? Where the fuck is Annapurna?!"

Carman Sandiego should have hid in Annapurna. Those fucking kids would have never found her.

Oh! I bet this fight winds up on the moon! Ha! See how quickly I figured that out? I'm not called a "Grandmaster Comic Book Reader" (exclusively by myself) for nothing!

What did I say earlier?! Left hook to the sperm bag! Grandmaster!

Superman flies Wraith to the moon so that Wraith can't breathe and then dies. Or just blacks out. I wonder if he'll jerk him off as he does it?

Hey, young kids that shouldn't be fucking reading this because I say things like "fuck" and "cunt" and "assbaggage" way too much: don't try any of that blacking out stuff at home! There are safer ways to get high or to feel intense orgasms and they don't involve the possibility of asphyxiation! Although they do involve quite a bit of butt stuff but just get over all that cultural bullshit that makes you feel shame or guilt because you want to stick something up your ass. Oh! But do remember to make sure the thing you're sticking up there has a long handle and/or a nearly unbreakable string-like attachment! Unless, of course, you're sticking the things up your butt for the "getting high" deal and not the "intense orgasms" thing. Then you should just stick the stuff up there and let it do its thing. But don't let that stuff be alcohol because then you might as well just let your friend push up against your chest until you black out. What I'm trying to say, kids, is be safe and be smart! The more you know!

Superman smashes Wraith into the moon without worry about the moon moving out of its orbit and causing incredible amounts of damage down on Earth from the sudden shift in gravitational pull. And don't think that might not be a possibility since Superman shoves Wraith into the moon hard enough to make a huge crater and to begin burrowing a hole deep into the center of the moon. I think. I might be misinterpreting the art because there are just so many damn scribbles on everything.

Apparently I was correct because Superman and Wraith come out the ass side of the moon because, and once again you get your choice of sentences here, A. comic books or B. fuck you.

Before Wraith can asphyxiate and die, he farts Kryptonite which causes Superman to fall back to Earth and land in the ocean where it's Wraith's turn to asphyxiate (and maybe jerk off) Superman! Where the fuck is Wonder Woman? Superman can use some fucking help!

Oh shit! I just thought something I don't think I've ever thought in the entire history of my reading comic books ever: "This looks like a job for Aquaman!"

Superman is drowning now at the bottom of the ocean but he comes up with an idea! Dig deeper and come out 420 miles beneath the surface of the Earth where there is plenty of oxygen!

Is Scott Snyder really still writing this comic book? Did he ask Scott Lobdell for help on this script?

Apparently, and I'm once again relying on my (what did I lie about earlier? Was it eighth grade? Yeah! That was it!) eighth grade science education to help guide me through the heavy science in this comic book, being buried miles beneath the surface of the Earth causes a person's electromagnetic powers to go all wonky. In Superman terms?

When does Superman ever fucking engage in fair fights? Fucking hypocrite piece of shit. He really has adopted the American way of life.

I hate everybody in the history of everything that has ever complained about a fair fight because what they're ultimately complaining about is that they're losing due to some advantage of their competitor that, if things were reversed, they would take advantage of themselves and use to mop the floor with the competition. Fuck that fair fight shit. Whenever my high school friend Larry Trantham would be bested at something, he'd say, "Oh yeah? Let's see you on a bike!" Hmm. Does that help prove my argument somehow? Maybe you had to know Larry to get the connection. Or maybe I shouldn't be quoting him as some paragon of wisdom. Where were we?

Also, how is it a fair fight when Superman is wearing that ring that Batman had which was made of polyurebriuim or some shit that was Wraith's kryptonite? Am I misremembering that issue where that happened which I read...hmm, how long ago was that?...twenty years ago? Superman beats the poopsnot out of Wraith while preaching to him how as a nerdy farm boy, Clark had to learn how to fight but Wraith never had to face up to bullies because he was a bully and he was always fighting down while Clark was constantly fighting up! That makes Clark stronger than Wraith! Also the ring. I think the ring helped.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wouldn't that kill Superman if he were force fed a Kryptonite ring?! Superman has gone off the chain!

Superman leaves Wraith to rot beneath the surface of the Earth because, I guess, that's better than using The Phantom Zone to solve all of his problems. This is different somehow. Although is it really much different from killing? Is putting people in The Phantom Zone really much different from killing? Sure, Superman can run around telling people he's never killed but he can't run around saying he's never imprisoned anybody for life without due legal process, can he?

I suppose Wraith is only really trapped in the center of the Earth until he poops. That's probably a fair sentence.

Superman heads back to the surface of the Earth to tell General Lane to shut up. Then he and Lois listen to the Earth Stone's newest album, "There's A Tiny Voice Beside The Sun." And then Jim shows up in the arctic with his Kryptonite Infused Masturbation Hand! This is about to get super unchained sexy!

Oh yeah! Inject it in your ass for an unchained high and an unchained orgasm!

Darn. So Jimmy didn't get a super masturbation attachment. Just a dumb drug to turn Superman into a suicide bomber so he can destroy the invading alien army of Wraiths coming to attack Earth. Why are they attacking Earth? Oh, because humans are so special that they're the only ones that were capable of deciphering the super unchained equation brought to Earth by Wraith. Wraith's people were too stupid to figure it out so they sent it to Earth. And now that Earth has turned it into lots and lots of technology, they've come to claim their load of fabulous prizes and parting gifts.

Superman Unchained #8 Rating: -3 Ranking. This being DC's Easter where everything is reborn, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is going to make a few resurrection changes as well. One of those is abandoning any pretense that this site is in any way some kind of intellectual comic book review site. This paragraph that usually follows the ranking and tries to sum up my feelings for how the comic book was written and whether the art was "good to look at" is gone. Done. Anything I need to say, I'll say within the confines of my commentary. This part of the commentary always felt like that last closing paragraph you added to your high school essays that was all bullshit and the teacher probably never read anyway. I might slowly phase it out during this month's weeklies but it'll be gone come October. I'll still rank the comic but I'm not going to be explaining my shitty, biased, unscientific and emotionally-based rankings anymore!

Superman Unchained #7

Batman's neck would be snapped as soon as Wraith grabbed it. Fucking comic books! Be realistic!

Can you imagine if comic books were realistic? Batman would have died from a gunshot wound after about three or four issues, maybe even sooner. Baby Superman would have starved or asphyxiated out in space in a day or so after being launched from Krypton. Aquaman would have huge gills on the sides of his neck and a huge, disgusting fish mouth. Wonder Woman would have one breast and constantly be kicking Batman's ass. The Flash would have practically disintegrated himself the first time he ran at super speed if he didn't hit a wall first. Hal Jordan would have contracted an alien STD from fucking the corpse of Abin Sur that he found in the desert. Those are just a few of the things that would happen if comic writers thought rationally and realistically about the characters.

I finished my review of Issue #6 with a sarcastic, "See you in three months!" Well, it's been three months! Time for Issue #7!

Well, at least the Fortress of Solitude is back where it belongs.

Superman just saved the world from nuclear annihilation. But he also humiliated Sam Lane's knock-off version of Superman, Wraith, while doing it. What does that mean? Superman must die!

I know most of you are thinking, "Isn't that a little harsh if not a lot illogical? Shouldn't Superman be raised up as a hero?" But here's why you're wrong. You're not thinking with the brain of a high level military man! Winning wars and saving people only counts if the public sees that your dick was the biggest. But with Superman rubbing his supercock all over the faces of the citizens of the world, how is anybody supposed to see Sam Lane waving Wraith's cock about with an American flag on it? Superman's dingus is so impressive that nobody is interested in Wraith's flaccid purple monster. And you know who helped Superman's cock with a huge dong of his own? Batman! So Batman has to die as well!

Don't you wish Jim Lee were drawing my version of the story?! The only problem is that he'd draw so many scribbles on their shafts that they'd be unrecognizable. Everybody would be all, "What is that? Bark? Knotholes? Why is Superman pulling a tree out of his pants?" Although Wonder Woman's penis would be really smooth because she's a woman and Jim Lee doesn't scribble on his ladies.

Lois has no confidence in Superman even though he just saved the entire world.

General Lane doesn't come right out and say that he wants to kill Superman. He pretends he's actually just after the Earthstone and if Superman gives it up peacefully, that will be the end of the conflict. But we all know better! The American Military. The United States Police Force. Any Government Organization. Anybody that wants something that you have! It all comes down to the same thing. They don't want to fight because fighting is dangerous for everybody. So they try to look bigger and harder than they are so that the other person will back down and be really fucking easy to kill. Police, the military, and the government should never be shocked when a citizen doesn't trust them and refuses to give up without a fight because all three of those fucking bastards have too long a history of killing unarmed, innocent people. And it's all because they're filled with fearful men and women that think they have some kind of God given authority over everybody else. Fuck them all. They're not getting my doughnuts.

At least Wraith is honest about what he's doing.

Batman continues to swing his dick as he basically points out to Wraith that he's going to kick his Jeezly Crow ass all over the Batcave and then, when Wraith is unconscious and bleeding, Alfred is going to poo in Wraith's mouth.

I suppose Alfred doesn't even know Batman's hosting a battle down in the Batcave. But I'm sure he realizes it when he hears Batman crash his Batwing down on top of Wraith. Alfred probably just sighs, heads over to the bathroom medicine cabinet, and downs a couple of laxatives. "On my way, Master Bruce."

Next Batman remote control crashes nineteen different Batmobiles into Wraith as they fire off any weapons they have. Batman mentions they're insured but I'm sure that's just a joke. Who would give Batman an auto insurance policy? Wouldn't he need to give some kind of identification or else anybody in a Batsuit could smash the cars up and they'd have to pay. Plus Batman is way too risky! Unless his coverage costs thousands of dollars a year. Perhaps saying they're insured is simply a way to keep his secret identity secret because why would Bruce Wayne need insurance? That shit is practically communism! He wrecks a car, he pays for it out of pocket.

Although Wraith did find Batman in the Batcave so his secret identity might already be fucked.

Back in Antarctica the Arctic, Superman shoves Lois Lane into Super Happy Fun Ball and then marches out in his special armor to destroy a good percentage of the United States of America's citizen's tax money.

Oh Superman. You look ridiculous. And you're, um, missing a leg.

Before Superman really goes ape shit on General Lane, Wonder Woman takes a moment out of her busy schedule to save Batman's ass. Okay, now back to Superman! Where Lois saves his ass!

Also, I guess Wonder Woman's ass saving didn't exactly take since Wraith knocks her and Batman across the room with the dinosaur. Alfred is going to be seriously pissed when he gets a look at this scene. He's going to have to send the giant penny, the dinosaur, and the Joker's playing card out for repairs. Oh, and also nineteen cars and an airplane.

Ugh. Not to mention fixing the new Superman-sized hole in the skylight and the upper floor's floor and the lower floor's ceiling and the lower floor's floor and the Batcave's ceiling and the Batcave's floor.

Superman Unchained #7 Rating: -4 Ranking. I'm lowering the rank for every month this comic book has been delayed this year. Other than that, I'm really enjoying it! It feels outside of continuity which is great since it's schedule is so erratic, it can't be bothered to deal with Lois's psionic ability and Jimmy Olsen's parents' money and Lex Luthor being king of the world and Sam Lane being a senator instead of a General! I prefer comic books that aren't shackled to continuity to tell their tale. Plus this Superman is so much better than the Superman that DC was allowing Scott Lobdell to write for so long. What the fuck was DC Comics thinking?! That has got to be the biggest error any company has ever made ever in forever! Giving their biggest hero to their weakest writer? I'm tempted to boycott DC until the end of time just for making such a fucked up business decision. How do they make any money with decisions like that?! At the very least, it shows a huge disrespect to the Superman fans out there who can't help but buy every single issue of Superman no matter how poorly they're written.

Let me close on a joke since we won't be revisiting this comic book for three more months. What's the main difference between a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and a piece of toilet paper he used to wipe his ass? He's getting paid for the comic book.

Superman Unchained #6

I forgot this book existed.

It's been three months since the last issue of Superman Unchained. Somebody tell Jim Lee it's okay if he can't keep a schedule. He's got plenty of other things to do like running DC's whatever department he runs and scribbling all over the faces of the characters he draws. But he should really take some responsibility and tell everybody, "You know what? I wouldn't stand for this late bullshit from the people working under me. And I shouldn't stand for it from myself. So I'm firing myself from the Superman Unchained job!" And then he'd piss himself and run weeping from the conference room. That's how everybody ends a corporate meeting, right?

Since nobody probably even remembers that this book was being published, let me catch y'all up to speed on what was happening. Ascension told Lois Lane their reasons for doing what they're doing and then launched all the nuclear missiles in the world. I don't know what newspapers will be left to publish Lois's story after all the explosions and fallout and EMPs have quieted down but that's not my problem. That's Lois's problem because she's going to flip the fuck out when she realizes she has the greatest headline in the world ready to go and the world is suddenly out of order.

Lex Luthor found out which hand Jimmy Olsen usually uses when beating off his best pal Superman and placed a Kryptonite implant into it.

Lex Luthor is really fucking good at origami.

Superman took Wraith to check out the Fortress of Solitude only to have Wraith threaten to kill him. That's the last slumber party he's ever going to be invited to.

I think Sam Lane was doing some important shit too. Trying to stop Ascension and kill Superman and impress his daughter.

Also, some five year old got a hold of one of my micron pens and scribbled all over the faces of all the male charac...oh wait. Sorry. That's just Jim Lee's style. Never mind.

Antarctica? What the fuck?! Hey, you assholes at DC! Let's not go through this shit again! The Arctic and Antarctica are two separate places and Superman's Fortress has never been in Antarctica! Or does his Fortress switch places with NOWHERE's Headquarters in some kind of unstable, quantum state with the two structures irrevocably bound together?

What is wrong with the staff at DC? Did they not learn their geography lesson when Lobdell and DeFalco kept changing the location of NOWHERE's base? Do people not know that Antarctica is not in the Arctic?! It's the opposite of the Arctic! It's the antonym of the Arctic! It's right in the fucking name! Mostly!

Batman tries to contact Superman to go over the game plan to stop the nuclear missiles but he wastes a number of minutes trying to get through to him in the Arctic. So now the world is probably fucked! Superman realizes this and decides to go speak with Ascension instead of stopping any missiles. Since he can't stop them all, he just won't bother. Hopefully Ascension has a button that will make the missiles not explode somehow.

Batman, Green Lantern (Simon Baz, I guess?), and Wonder Woman will try to stop as many missiles as they can. Batman doesn't mention The Flash although I think he could be helpful too! Unless the missiles are all programmed to explode a mile or so over their targets. That's probably the case. Fuck you, The Flash. You should be able to help because you're so Goddamned fast but since you can't fly, you're completely useless. Like that other guy that doesn't get a mention: Aquaman.

So what will be on Wraith's head? An America that didn't get hit by any missiles? Seems fair. Although he's probably eating his spleen about the fact he's going to have to keep missiles from hitting Canada and Mexico as well.

While Wraith flies off to save American infrastructure (because, let's face it. If he allows the hundreds of missiles to explode everywhere else around the world, Americans are all kind of fucked anyway, right? But at least their cities won't get blown to shit), Superman crashes into Ascension Headquarters in the middle of the Atlantic to find Lois hot on the story! Even though Superman is super pissed off, you can see the little bit of Clark Kent crying behind Supe's eyes as he realizes Lois must be ten thousand times a better investigative journalist than he'll ever be. She fucking found Ascension before even The Jeezly Crow Batman!

Lois has all the information to stop Ascension but the leader hits the self-destruct and blows the entire island to ashes. Superman rescues Lois and Lois rescues just one piece of Earthstone Crystal. I guess that piece is going to have to be enough to stop the missiles. Since it's similar to Krypton's system of Sundildos, Superman can probably insert it in his Crystal Matrix back at the Fortress of Solitude.

Meanwhile Aquaman is struggling to finish the New York Times Monday Crossword Puzzle.

Or maybe he doesn't need the Fortress after all. Good thing since Antarctica is so far away.

Superman creates some kind of shield that causes the missiles to fall apart without detonating their warheads. So what happens to the hundreds of warheads that now fall undetonated to the Earth? I guess they don't explode. But who's going to account for them all?! I'm sure several dozen will wind up in the hands of the likes of Lex Luthor and Black Manta, right?

Wraith wants Superman's Earthstone for the American Military but Superman is all, "I've got scribbles on my face, you bitch!" And Lois is all, "I've only got like one scribble on my face because I'm hot!" And Wraith is all, "Ewwwww!"

Or they say other shit but I'm too distracted by all the scribbles.

Wraith decides Superman needs a super beating because I can't get enough of adding "super" to anything that happens to Superman. But Superman is prepared because Batman gave him a secret weapon to use against Wraith: synthetic mineral! Wait, what? Is that like Generic Kryptonite? It is a yellow ring! You see, young people, you know how different stores like Safeway and Fred Meyer all sell their own brand of products? Back when I was young, those products wouldn't waste any money on even that amount of branding! They were just yellow or white products with big black font. So if you wanted cheap beer, you didn't get Pabst Blue Ribbon or Hamms. You got BEER.

This was all my friend Phil Newby's father ever had in the fridge.

So Batman has created Generic Kryptonite which defeats Superman's cheap knock-off rival, Wraith. Superman beats Wraith's ass until Sam Lane orders Wraith to retreat. Wraith flies away screaming, "This isn't the last you've heard of WRAAAAAIIIITTTH!"

Afterward, Superman brings Lois to the Fortress of Solitude because that seems like a much better idea than bringing Wraith, an alien that wants to kill him, into his home. Lois will just memorize all of his secret shit and write a huge exposé on him and his secret home! He does it to keep her safe but I bet he winds up regretting it! Hopefully he didn't leave his Clark glasses lying around where she might see them.

Superman doesn't once mention the warheads that have fallen all over the planet. Maybe that's The Flash's job! Collect them and deliver them to the guy that must dispose of them: Aquaman!

While Superman studies the Earthstone, he notices its programming begins to be rewritten. I guess the crystalline matrix is like software. A close up examination shows that it's being rewritten in Krypton! What could it mean?! I have no idea because before Superman can speculate, Sam Lane and his army of AT-ATs stage an attack on the Fortress of Solitude! Find out in three months what happens next!

There is a two page epilogue, by the way. Here's the second page:

Whoops!

Superman Unchained #6 Rating: +1 Ranking! I'm glad I'm keeping this blog or I wouldn't have had any fucking clue as to what had been happening previously! Man, I really hope General Lane loses his fucking job. Who said it was okay to use his Super Secret Anti-Superman Army to kill the guy it was built to kill? I mean, who said he could do it now! Obviously it's the reason it was built. But Superman just saved the world! I think a lot of people are going to be pissed if General Lane kills Supes now just because Superman humiliated his pet project Wraith.

Superman Unchained #4

Without a public identity, how can Superman fight knock-off uses of his trademark?

Tonight on Jeopardy, one of the categories was "Country's Lowest Point" and my first thought was "World War II. What is Germany?" And then "Assassination of JFK. What is the U.S.?" Turns out, as you all realized immediately, it was a geography category. By the way, the final Jeopardy category was Video Game History. The question was What is the Legend of Zelda? The third place guy answered, "What is Zelda?" and by the look of the first place guy's face when Trebek said that was wrong, you knew he'd fucked it up as well. I laughed and pointed and yelled, "Ha ha! Loser jerks!" as I sat on my couch in my underwear covered in potato chip crumbs.

But now that I have more clothes and less crumbs on, I'm ready to talk smart about Superman! My definition and your definition of smart might vary dramatically.

Currently, Lex Luthor has kidnapped Jimmy Olsen because Lex Luthor needs an audience for his super villain speech where he reveals his evil plan to defeat Superman. Once, dressed as Captain Cold, I gave my very own death to the superhero speech to a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing The Flash's costume. I had a gun loaded with silly string pointed at him as he was tied to a stool on the backyard deck of my evil ice lair. It was maniacal! It was glorious! It was filled with doomsday and laughter and, most likely, sweet ass ice puns! And finally I pulled the trigger and a limp trail of silly string came out and tumbled just shy of his little body as the gun ran out of ammunition because I had been wasting it all night in my drunken revelry! I shook the gun, tried again, and nothing. So there was only one thing left to do. I stretched my arms out to the sky, looked up to the gathering clouds, and screamed, "NOOOOOOO!" Seriously. True story.

Here I am early in the evening when I felt unstoppable. Next to me is one of Professor Ivo's early attempts at a Wonder Woman robot. I think. It might simply have been Professor Ivo in drag.

So Lex Luthor is hopefully going to have more luck with his plans to kill Superman than I had with my plans to kill The Flash. But Jimmy Olsen isn't just a witness to the scheme; he's also a part of it! Lex Luthor has some crazy ass hand-stamping device in which he's probably going to inject Kryptonite into Jimmy's hand so that when Jimmy next gives Clark Kent a hand job, it will kill him. Fucking A. That's an awesome plan.

Meanwhile Wraith and Superman are fucking around in Tokyo fighting robots. How come Japan has never had a national super hero named Pachinko? I really think it's about time. In fact, it's so obvious, I bet they already have one but I've just never heard of her! After Superman and Wraith save Tokyo, Superman is going to have to sit Wraith down and have a talk with him about his name. What kind of a heroic name is Wraith? Seriously, that's bad guy nomenclature. Although Wraith has already threatened to kill Superman later so I guess it isn't an actual surprise to anybody. Plus Wraith works for the military and they have no idea how to name stuff so that it doesn't sound like they're about to curbstomp your country's capital in fifteen different ways.

While fighting the Russian Spider Robots, Superman takes a Super-bullet in his right shoulder and right ass cheek. Well, at least he'll be able to show Lois one of those scars. Although Jimmy will get to see them both right before he accidentally kills him.

So it seems everybody has been developing weapons specifically to kill Superman. What a bunch of thankless assholes. First the American Military develops Black Hole Bullets that suck Yellow Sun Energy out of Superman so the bullets can wound him. Then Lex Luthor develops Kryptonite Hand Implants so Clark's "friend" can kill him. And now the Russians have developed Spider Robots that shoot bullets which emit Red Sun Energy to soften Superman's ass just before they hit him. What the fuck is everybody's problem with Superman? I can understand wanting to kill that asshole Batman. But Superman? He's like a gigantic flying kitten that keeps people from accidentally dying. Anybody who wants to kill that is just a psychopath! I guess calling Lex Luthor, the American Military, and the Russian Government "psychopaths" isn't exactly making a bold statement, is it?

Lex Luthor is taking an awful long time to tell Jimmy Olsen that Jimmy Olsen will wind up being the murderer of Superman. I suppose it's because The Art of the Reveal of the Villainous Plan is almost exactly like Origami.

Meanwhile in Nova Scotia, the Magic Man with the Blue Kryptonite hands it over to Lois instead of Superman because he also believes Superman will soon be dead. Did everybody get an email that Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and I weren't privy to? Also also, The Shard isn't actually Blue Kryptonite. It must be the Kryptonite from Wraith's world. Which would make it Lead because Wraith is probably a Daxamite. Except it's obviously a crystal shard and Wraith would have been dead a long time ago when the military stuck him in a lead lined bunker to keep Superman from seeing him. So there must be yet another world that produces Super-People that I can't remember. This is also tied to Ascension somehow. They're terrorists or saviors or Luddites or something.

Hmm. Reluctant to take a lead lined door in his hands? Perhaps he is a Daxamite!

Superman and Wraith combine forces to defeat the Ascension Spiders which must be made from wooden gears and catgut since they're so against technology. Also they use a brand of internet based on silk worms, spiders, and moths. After the battle, Superman asks where Wraith is from and Wraith responds, "..." Either he doesn't have an answer or that's the name of the planet he comes from. But before Superman can press him, Clark Kent gets a call from Perry Jameson explaining that Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane are both missing. Again! Fuck those two. So careless when they're trying to get a story.

Lois Lane takes the Blue Crystal from the blind man after he's hit by an ambulance driving itself. And then she's kidnapped by Ascension in their Luddite masks. The Guy Fawkes mask make for a much better movement, if you ask me. Ned Ludd looks like a well-groomed, Irish Rambo. They take her away to some dark room to reveal that General Lane is behind their creation. Luckily they don't search her bag and find the Blue Crystal so that she can use it against Wraith later.

And Lex Luthor finally reveals that Jimmy Olsen will be the one to kill Superman. Jesus, that guy is a long-winded bastard.

Superman Unchained #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lex Luthor's paper dolls were cute. Is that enough of a review? Oh! I wonder how Superman is going to get that bullet out of his ass! That thing is going to fester when he realizes nobody can cut open his skin and he can't use his heat vision to cut open his own ass. Oh, sure. He can try to do the bounce it off of a mirror trick. But the kind of heat needed to penetrate the skin on his ass will shatter any mirror he tries to bounce it off of! I suppose Jimmy Olsen can probably do it now that he has a Kryptonite Surgical Hand.