Detective Comics #23

I can't wait until Villains' Month so I have some new things to talk about.

I am officially out of shit to say. So fuck off while I read about Batman.

Three years ago, Batman was the shittiest career counselor in Gotham City.

When somebody suggests you get a GED, what they're really saying is "Please stop stealing my shit, you asshole." They just want to distract you from your glorious and fulfilling life of crime. Getting a GED doesn't do anything except keep you too busy to steal DVRs. Although a vocational school might be a good idea. A better idea is to train to become a member of the TSA and then people bring their shit straight to you to steal. No more fucking leg work! Get fat, lazy, annoying, and obnoxious while taking other people's material possessions! That should be the poster for TSA recruitment. More poster ideas: "Want to feel powerful but wield no real power whatsoever? Then the TSA is for you!" Oh! You know how that Marine recruitment advert had that guy fighting dragons? They should make one of those for the TSA but have slobby jerks sitting around a table rolling dice while one of them asks, "Seriously? Chlorine gas? Stupidest dragon ever."

By the way, Batman, who the fuck are you to be telling people to do "something useful" with their lives? It's their fucking lives, you pretentious wanker. I understand not wanting him to fuck up other people's lives. But as long as he's not hurting anybody else, does his life actually have to be useful? I think I'm personally offended by the suggestion that I might be just as critical to society as a common mugger! I say common mugger because I'm pretty sure an exceptional mugger has more talent than I have!

I also take exception with Batman's use of breaking bones to teach lessons. If he's so Goddamned good at what he does, that means he broke this kid's leg in two places on purpose. He methodically tortured this kid in an unnecessary way! Batman could easily detain a non-super-powered thief and attempted murderer because he's an expert at all kinds of physical and mental tactics. The kid should just be tied up and hung from a lamppost. Which makes me think Batman broke the kid's legs for the simple pleasure of it! The worst part about this is that a broken leg can be fatal! Batman can't know that complications won't arise that end up killing this kid! What if his leg never heals correctly and he's forced to become a thief and an attempted murderer? I mean, forced to remain those things! I hate you, Batman!

Please don't break my arm for being honest!

By the way, that kid with the broken leg? Three years later he was found dead in an alley from a long, long fall after going by the name Scorn and working with The Wrath! And it's all because he didn't take Counselor Batman's advice. Boo hoo.

Dr. Batman, Professional Therapissed.

Batman has caught up with The Wrath and he believes he knows The Wrath's secret identity as well: E.D. Caldwell! Who? I don't know. Some anti-Bruce Wayne douche that's come to town to make Gotham a better place. He's watched Bruce Wayne long enough to realize how much money can be made in real estate in Gotham City if you control the means of cleaning up the crime in very specific areas while letting it run rampant in others. Cheap property in the crime laden areas, so you buy it all up, clean up the area with The Batman or The Wrath, then sell the properties at increased amounts. How could a rich jerk like Caldwell pass up such a gold strike town as this?

But Batman should know that figuring out secret identities isn't so easy! My guess is that The Wrath is E.D. Caldwell's butler, or, as I mentioned in an earlier commentary, Alfred Pennyworth's nemesis!

Here is the moment The Wrath defeated himself. Must I keep saying it, Super Villains? When you have the chance, KILL KILL MOTHERFUCKING KILL, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!

Bruce Wayne discusses his plans with Alfred but not with the reader. Reading between the lines, it sounds like Bruce Wayne is sending Alfred to pick a fight with Caldwell's butler! Or possibly challenge him to a bake-off. Perhaps a wood polishing contest.

Bruce and Alfred head over to Caldwell Technology to have a meeting with "Erectile Dysfunction" Caldwell. His secretary asks them to wait in the lobby.

The dress policy at Caldwell Tech is "Business-Catholic School".

Oh did I say lobby? I meant to say Caldwell is busy speaking with Detective Bullock so the secretary brings Bruce and Alfred into the bare, empty office to stand around in the background as they conduct police business. Seems about as professional as her business attire!

Oh shut the fuck up. This is a comedy blog! If you see the kind of shit I've worn in the past for business interviews, you'd realize I don't give a shit about dress codes! A good rule of thumb is to never wear anything to an interview that you'd be uncomfortable in at the job. So if I don't get the job because I didn't dress up enough, fuck them because I wouldn't have wanted to dress up that way every day anyway. I think this secretary probably believes the same as I do. Although I'd probably feel more comfortable having some underwear on.

Caldwell decides that sparring with Bruce as they discuss business is the best way to go. Fuck him. I wouldn't even shake his hand because I find it too aggressive! But I'd have to fight with him to even try to work with him? I hate both of these guys!

Oh sure! After all the Batman Incorporated bullshit, now you're going to try distancing yourself from Batman?

While Bruce and E.D. are sparring, Alfred sneaks off to hack into the building's computer network. I bet Caldwell's butler catches him! Oh man! From that first panel when Caldwell was shown to have a butler, I was wetting myself for the confrontation between the butlers!

But first Alfred has to wander into Caldwell's war room. Caldwell looks slightly upward with his x-ray contact lenses at one point and sees Alfred entering a secure location. That location is filled with tanks and other war vehicles. Because the best place to hide tons and tons of ground war machines is on the forty second story of a high rise in downtown Gotham. Maybe it's the top floor where The Wrath has the tanks delivered in his Invisible Wrathcopter.

The Wrath captures Alfred. But it isn't yet revealed if The Wrath is the Butler or E.D. Caldwell because they both leave the room before The Wrath appears. So my pony is still in the running! Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne says, "Fuck secret identities, bitch!" and exits Caldwell Tech via his Batplane.

Don't worry, Bruce. I'm sure nobody was watching. It was only two billionaires sparring on a balcony without any railings. If you've lived in Gotham, you've seen it a million times.

Next issue is, supposedly, the showdown between The Wrath and The Batman. I'm not sure who I want to win.

The back-up story is still about Kirk and Francine Langstrom. Man-bat and Man-Woman! I mean Woman-bat! It turns out his wife was into corporate espionage! She only married him to steal his ideas for some corporation! Probably Apple! Or maybe Leviathan. Who cares? I don't care! I have enough Man-bat guano to keep me occupied since my next DC Comics Presents I'm going to read features Superman and Man-bat!

Oh, Leviathan is over and done! She's working for some company called Caldwell Industries. I wonder if that's any relation to Caldwell Tech?

Not quite as pornographic as some of the images from The Swamp Thing #23, but still pretty erotic. Especially if you have a penis like a blue test tube.

Francine "Lee" Langstrom turns into Woman-Bat (Aggressive Version) and flies off to further adventures while Kirk is left to cry in his serum.

Detective Comics #23 Rating: No change. The Batman is a dick. The Wrath is a dick. Butler Waters is a dick. Kirk Langstrom is a dick. Francine Lee is a dick. This comic book should be called "Five Dicks and a Penny."

Swamp Thing #23

Yay! Free opium!

My cat Judas wanted to write the commentary for this issue but I told him that was too gimmicky. That was like something an 80s comedian would do for his stand-up routine on an episode of Star Search.

80s Comic: "So did I tell you that my cat became a stand-up comedian? Yeah, he's not too bad either. I do an impression of him. Do you want to hear it?"
Audience: *Applauds wildly*
80s Comic: "*pretends to lick hand and slick back hair* Good evening, ladies and gentlerats. No, no. I kid. I also spit up hairballs in the Monkey Warden's slip-on paw protectors. I also poo in a box but, hey, who doesn't? Oh, that's right! The hairless Monkey Warden! He poops in his bowl of drinking water! What's up with that? Am I right? Meow?"
Audience: *Applauding because the jokes aren't funny but still feeling like they should show some kind of appreciation for his ability to know things cats do*
80s Comic: *sits on the ground and licks at his crotch for an uncomfortable forty seconds*
Ed McMahon: *busting a gut laughing off-camera because he's fucking drunk by the 2:00 PM taping*
80s Comic: "Meow. What's up with dogs? It's like they're constantly trying out for a job they already have! Relax, buddy! You've got the gig! What's with all the fetching and running about? The Monkey Warden is going to bring you food even if you 'accidentally' draw blood jumping on its face while getting into bed with her. You don't have to constantly be 'on'! Us cats have been mooching on these idiots for thousands of years and haven't done a lick of work! They haven't thrown us out yet! Seriously, you'd worry less if you learned your Hisstory."
Audience: *Applauds wildly to show they understood a stupid fucking pun*
80s Comic: "Thank you! It's been a wonderful three minutes! You've all been terrific!"
Ed McMahon: "Let's hear it one more time for Whoop Doodle McCrumblestuff! Next, a five year old singer that's going to kick the comedian's fucking ass!"

Even if I did let my cat do the commentary, it would just be pages and pages of licking obsessively with short interludes of a staring at a random spot on the wall and then screaming at the top of his voice demanding something that I'll never guess in a million years.

Me: "Oh, you want some scratchies? Good kitty."
Judas: "MMMMMMRRRRRROOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!"
Me: "Are you hungry? Here's some food."
Judas: "MMMMMMMMRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWWW!"
Me: "Let me clean your litter box."
Judas: "MMMMMMRRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!"
Me: "Oh so cute. Do you want me to sacrifice another homeless person to Bast?"
Judas: "MMMMRRRRRRROOOOOOOWWWWWW!"
Me: "How about I just fucking ignore you?"
Judas: *goes back to licking himself when I break eye contact*

Oh great. Judas just puked a bit in his crunchy food as he was eating and then just kept right on digging in. Maybe I should have named him Jimi.

"No pictures, bitch!"

I just took that picture with my laptop webcam. He practically lives on my desk. Although I have put my foot down with regards to the litter box. That stays in the other room.

Oh my god. You're killing me, buddy.

Enough about the stupid cat! I have a Whisky Tree to read about!

This is what happens to people who drink from the Whisky Tree. I know, I know. It's hard to believe a Whisky Tree has a downside.

John Constantine is the besotted ruler of a small Scottish Town where all the inhabitants have been possessed by the fruit of The Seeder's Whisky Tree. Swamp Thing, being the character on the cover of the comic book, was supposed to save the day and return everything to the economically depressed status quo because he cares more about "balance" than "human lives." What kind of a man-plant is he? He's like Spock! Always ignoring the human side he's completely ashamed of. But Constantine cut The Swamp Thing off from the Green and now he's withering away in a jail cell.

For someone who always sides with the plants, Swamp Thing still prefers to look like a human. Perhaps it's just his natural form and thus the easiest to maintain with the least amount of effort.

The only power Swamp Thing has left is that power remaining within his current form since he can't access the Miracle Gro of the Green. He can't break out of jail because he's currently runway model thin but luckily he's seen the episode of The Brady Bunch where the family visits a ghost town and winds up in jail. He grows a nice long stick to grab the ring of keys off the passed out guard.

I know what that is!

After making me think up the term "cock ring of keys," Swamp Thing frees himself from the Sober Tank. On his way to confront Constantine, he saves little Reginald Crawford from a man shoving the devil's drink down Reggie's throat. The Devil's Drink would be man spooge. Or Whisky Tree Sap. Maybe both. It's hard to tell sometimes if it's the author and the scene alluding to the possibility of a child being sexually assaulted or it's my repressed memories forcing their interpretation on the events.

That wasn't a joke about child molestation! That was an acknowledgment of possible memories I can't know I have because they may or may not have been repressed! And I'd rather believe that than believe that I read a scene in a comic book about an overly aggressive man trying to shove something down the throat of a small child and instantly think there's something perverse about it!

Whew! This scene is definitely about a man trying to corrupt a minor! I can go back to repressing the idea that I have repressed memories!

Constantine sends out a man hunt for Swamp Thing. But they won't find him because he's a plant and not a man! Although he's also a monster and Constantine sends them out with torches. And I think angry mobs with torches always catch the monster. Hopefully the Swamp Thing has more tricks up his sleeve than his penis.

Ha ha! I was way ahead of you, Swamp Thing! If there's one thing my mom taught me about, it's resentment! But if there are two things, the other one is monster movies!

The Swamp Thing's next trick is to put all of his essence into a seed and pop it off into the wind. So it looks like he does only have the one trick up his sleeve.

The Swamp Thing's seed grows up out of the ground near Constantine. It grows erect and blossoms and unfurls into a beautiful pink flower which presses itself firmly against Constantine's lips, releasing its sweet smelling essence directly into his mouth, again and again and again.

This isn't just a horror book! It's also pornography!

I didn't know all you had to do was shove a poppy into your face to get wasted! Oh wait. Comic books! I should stop thinking comic books should be written as research materials. Besides, The Swamp Thing can twist plants into doing whatever he wants. And if he wants the poppy to ejaculate opiates directly out of its budding flower and into Constantine's eager lungs, Swamp Thing can make that happen.

With all of the sexual undercurrent in this issue, it's beginning to read a lot like Bernie Wrightson's original vision of The Swamp Thing. As the seventies were getting underway, Len Wein told Bernie he had a vision of a new horror character years ago but had to sit on the idea while the Comics Code Authority was outlawing monsters. But now that the Code was loosening up some of their rules, he figured it was time to bring out this character. "Imagine," he said, "a man inside a vegetable!" So Bernie hit the drawing table and came back with a man with his penis lodged squarely into a squash. "Like this?" he questioned, unable to hide the excitement he was feeling about this possible new character. What I'm saying is his pants looked like a scene out of The Second Great Awakening. "Oh God no!" screamed Len who was having a lunch meeting with Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway. "I meant some kind of a Swamp Thing! Not some porno Man-thing!" Bernie slunk off to try again, his excitement for the project suddenly waning. "I'm still going to make it all veiny," he proclaimed as he shuffled off to try again.

With Constantine now tanked up on heroin, the spell cutting off Swamp Thing from the Green is broken. He grows into a monstrously large monster with the knowledge that he can stop the Seeder's Whisky Tree plans once and for all. While he considers his plan, The Green pipes up in the back of his head. It is the voice that all Avatars (Green, Red and Gray) must fight against lest they find themselves overreaching and becoming another Anton Arcane. The Green pushes him to kill them all, use their Redness to feed the Green. But Swamp Thing still has that touch of humanity and the connection to The Red that allows him to feel empathy towards the meat monsters. He tempers his justice with forgiveness and merely destroys The Whisky Tree before it destroys all of England. I think this is some kind of Temperance Propaganda!

When Swamp Thing returns to Louisiana, he ponders the other voice he heard as he finished dealing with the town. He knows they weren't all his thoughts but he doesn't have much time to think about it (my thoughts are in the paragraph above! Those weren't his thoughts or the comic book explicating them!) before he has to deal with Cappuccino again. She's strung up in a tree and beat up because The Seeder had wandered by to battle Swamp Thing but Swamp Thing wasn't there. So Swampy won't be helping out Cappuccino any time soon. Because he has to deal with The Seeder next! Except next month is Anton Arcane's Villain Month appearance, so hopefully I'll remember everything that was happening in this comic by the time it gets back to the regular plot.

Swamp Thing #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. Charles Soule is kicking some serious plant butt on this comic book. Not only did he get some nice horror bits in this month, he also put in some sexy plant on human sex stuff! I'm going to try to fall back to sleep for a bit. Maybe if I think about it enough as I doze off, I can dream about Swamp Thing's flower face fucking Constantine! Now where'd I put the rubber sheets?

Dial H #15

Everybody in creation versus The Human Centipede!

I have an issue with Nelson's rotary phone dial. Now I'm not an expert on telephones but I was alive during the transition from rotary phones to push button phones. And, as far as I know, rotary phones never had the asterisk or the pound sign (also known as the number sign or hash sign if you're one of those weirdos that live somewhere other than North America. Weirdos!). Weren't those introduced for use in the push button phones? After push button dialing came about, did people begin to design rotary phones with those symbols on them? Would they even have been any use since a rotary phone would just make more clicking noises?! And even if they were added to a rotary phone, they couldn't take up the "1" and the "2" position since that would change the whole analog system, wouldn't it? Like I said, I'm not Phonologist or anything! But Nelson's dial is stupid.

Perhaps because they're alien, it doesn't fucking matter. Maybe they were set up to make Tweeting via the dial easier. "LOST IN SYSTEM WITH MULTIPLE BLACK HOLES #FUCKED #RACIST #SORRYNOTSORRY". Now I'm wondering why so many dials are so specific. Why doesn't one dial do everything? If all the Dial does is dial SIDE or HERO or GEAR, can't it just be a button you press? You'd think each Dial should be capable of Dialing all of those things! That makes fucking sense. I suppose you can't just hand out Dials that Dial an Apocolypse to just anybody. But there must be Master Dials that can dial a whole bunch of different things. I'd at least think that they'd be like ranks. So the most minimal Dial maybe dials GEAR. Then the next Dial up could dial GEAR and SIDE. Then a HERO Dial could dial HERO and the other two. I wonder if there is a Medic Dial that dials LIFE?

Last issue, The Dial Posse (minus a few members) finally arrived at The Hub where The Switchboard is located. Unless it was called something else. Waiting for them was The Human Centipede. Dwan changes from Eye Spy to Balls Out to get the ball rolling on this final issue of the Dial H canon (I won't accept any more Dial H stories unless they're written by China Mieville!).

Don't think I won't fill this entire commentary full of intended puns! And unintended puns as well! And well tended puns while we're at it!

And so the battle between people who feed off of other people's powers and a person who feeds from the bowels of the person in front of him begins! You know, The Dial Bunch versus The Human Centipede!

In past battles, The Human Centipede has been able to outmaneuver any power used against him by creating duplicates. But this time, he goes up against Water Tower who is able to flood the flood of Centipedes and drown a good portion of them. The Human Centipede also faces Secret Faction who causes dissent and confusion with a person's own mind. This causes The Human Centipede's dopplegangers to gang up on each other. At a loss as to how he'll win the battle, The Human Centipede calls for his girlfriend, The Fixer, to save him.

Whoops! That's the Pre-Crisis on Infinite Earth's version of The Fixer's first form. Let me find the Modern one.

There she is! Note the more modern sound effect!

The Fixer has the ability to transform into a hero with whatever power she needs. After Exhaust blackens the air, The Fixer transforms into Lampoon. That's a naked man with an enormous flashlight where you'd expect it to be who also has a lava lamp head and two table lamps for hands and, probably, campfires for feet.

When Secret Faction tries to invade The Fixer's head, The Fixer turns into Uranus Face which deflects Secret Faction's powers. The Fixer than goes on the offensive, changing into Kitten's Mortal Enemy and finally into Blow Job. Blow Job and The Human Centipede kidnap Nelson and run off with him to The Exchange. Oh! I bet that's what I meant when I said Switchboard earlier! The Dial Bunch head after them and discover The Exchange for themselves.

Who would have expected the Exchange to have changed so much?

The Exchange is so beat up, you've got to believe that The Dials are only channeling from very few worlds out of the infinity of them in the Universe. So if The Exchange could be fixed, The Dials would be even more powerful. But the reason The Exchange was destroyed was probably the result of the Dial Wars. I suspect the worlds being tapped by the Dials weren't at all happy about what was happening and teamed up to destroy The Exchange. Which is probably why "O" is handing out Apocalypses to every world that participated in the war. Because they destroyed his Grand Experiment. But what is The Fixer's role? Is The Fixer actually fixing everything? Or just cleaning up the mess and trying to shut the whole Goddamn thing down?

I guess that settles that! They're a team of super jerks! The Fixer is currently BDSM Doomsday.

The Operator is ending worlds with a Doom Dial. He also mentions a J-Dial which must be a Joke, Jape, or Jest Dial! Must there be a Dial for every letter? Dial "A" for Anal? Dial "B" for Boon? Dial "C" for Card? Because you need a Dial for those long road trips and Dial "G" is already taken by Gear so it can't be Game. Oh wait. The J-Dial is for Journey or Jaunt. What four letter "J" word for travel am I missing? Maybe it's simply Dial "J" for Jump.

A little exposition later, Nelson and I finally understand the relationship of these three antagonists. The Fixer was an Operator himself and had been hunting "O" to shut him down and stop him from destroying worlds. But she was lost until she met The Human Centipede who had the knowledge to lead The Fixer back to The Exchange. The Human Centipede was looking for The Exchange to get a Dial "E" for Evil dial since he couldn't Dial "H" for Hero, what with him being a rotten jerkface and all. I haven't gotten to the part of the explanation where The Fixer explains why she's now working for "O".

And then The Fixer turns into a psychic Narwhal and tells the history of The Exchange. Turns out it's simply an allegory for downloading music and movies on the internet. "We weren't stealing! We were just making copies!" But the MPAA and the RIAA didn't appreciate people making copies of things on which they had an intellectual copyright! So war broke out and one Operator decided to destroy everything rather than deal with the Material Protection Alterity Army and the Rapid Interreality Assault Alliance. He made a Dial that would destroy everything.

Which it didn't actually do. What did happen was that "O" disappeared and with him, blown across universes and galaxies and time, all the broken dials from The Exchange.

And now that The Fixer has found her world lost, she's all for killing everybody! Why the fuck not?

As Nelson learns everything he needs to know about The Fixer during a time when The Fixer was supposed to be learning everything Nelson knows before killing him, The Dial Bunch make there way into The Exchange via an Open Window. Inside, Roxie finds a working "H" Dial. One that doesn't emulate powers randomly but in much the same way The Fixer's works. She'll be able to Dial exactly what she needs. She also finds some instructions and a Compendium of, I'm assuming, personae to choose from! Which is exactly what it is as Bansa tells Roxie the code to turn into a specific hero to take on The Human Centipede. I think it's Laxative Lass or something.

Nelson manages to turn The Fixer back against "O" but it doesn't help much. "O" can turn the Dials on and off while The Human Centipede protects "O" from simply getting his teeth knocked out since Nelson or Roxie could easily take him in a fist fight. The Dial Posse need to retreat and come up with another plan before "O" destroys any more worlds. They'll probably stop him but according to next month's Dial "E" book, they won't stop "O" before he creates a dial for The Human Centipede.

Roxie has one of those super secret plans that she won't let the reader in on so the reader is just as surprised when it works as the antagonist. She's working on a special Dial for Nelson since Roxie and Bansa probably have the most knowledge about the Dials of anybody in the Universe not from The Exchange. Just as she finishes, The Human Centipede appears with his E-Dial. Which means not only can he Dial "E" for Evil--every single one of his copies can Dial "E" as well!

This must be why Dial "E" is taking over Justice League. He's a pretty serious threat now! Not that he was a pushover before.

And then Roxie's idea is revealed as Nelson dials her new Dial: Dial "M" for Mashup. Let's see the Record Industry Lost Operator stop this shit, bitches! And Roxie knocks out The Human Centipede and steals his Dial. She has another plan that she's not talking about. So while Nelson goes through form after form of mashed-up prior personalities, Roxie and Open Window Man head off to end the comic book. Meanwhile, The Lost Operator uses a broken Dial because it doesn't matter what he turns into. Operators have amplifiers. Which explains why The Fixer was so powerful. She could choose whatever form she wanted and increase its power!

Roxie's plan turns out to mash-up the Operator since his power if amplified and it'll send him out of control.

Maybe this is why Dial "E" ends up in Justice League!

"O" disappears in a crack of lightning, along with the E-Dial and The Centipede. Open Window Man, Nelson, Dwan, and Roxie are all stranded in The Exchange. I didn't forget Bansa! He died! Now they'll have to spend their down time researching the Dials. I suppose the down time will be as long as it takes for some editor to decide fans are ready for a Dial "H" mini-series.

Dial H #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope you Goddamned internet pirates have learned a valuable lesson from this! Don't steal music! Except The Exchange were not actually bad guys, they were just misunderstood. So maybe the lesson to be learned is to pirate music and movies all you want because fuck Corporate America! Except the good guys were represented by individuals who sometimes really did have things stolen from them and thus had a real reason to stop The Exchange! So the lesson was to not steal music and comic books from creators because when they make less money from their creations, you'll never get more creations from those creators! Unless the lesson was that a lot more people were reading Dial H than the profit on it would show which is why the book was cancelled even though it should have been making a lot more money than it was so fuck all of you assholes that downloaded and read Dial H illegally because now I don't get to read it any more! Unless the lesson was that there wasn't a lesson and no allegory existed and we should just enjoy the story on the topmost level where the words and the pictures were. Or maybe the lesson was that there was another socio-economic allegory in the story that I completely missed because I was too busy making up stupid names for the characters that were never named, like Lampoon and Blow Job!

Green Arrow #23

Where are her nipples? Not that I'm a pervert or anything. I just like my comic book art to be realistic. Especially around the booby area.

Over in the Super Secret Clubhouse of Secret Super Secrets, Watsonian asked this:

Serious question, [Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!] How do you not have Green Arrow in your top 10? I don't care how terrible the first 16 issues were. Since Lemire & Sorrentino took over, it's been the best thing DC has going.

Well, let me answer that question for you, Watsonian: Green Arrow is a doody head that doesn't deserve to be in the Top Ten. It has not been the best thing DC has going or even close to the best thing. It's better than it was. That's a true statement! But I don't forget history easily and the ability to forgive the first twenty issues just isn't in me. Although Watsonian's statement has a lot more truth in it than this statement from Tiger OA1:

Actually Batwing took a turn for the better. I like David I just didn't care much for the backdrop. luke is a good choice for Batwing even if he really does need a new name. And out of this nu52 bunch it's not a lot of books that's better than this one.

Batwing is an even bigger doody head than Green Arrow! Not a lot of books better than the mediocre bullshit coming out of Batwing? Maybe if Batwing didn't put me to sleep every month, I might know what you're talking about, Tiger. It's not a bad comic book in the way that Katana or Superman or The Teen Titans are bad comic books. It's just not interesting. But I don't want to get sidetracked by Batwing's inability to hold my interest (and I really am hoping that he eventually does! It's now being written by Gray and Palmiotti and I love their All Star Western. So my hope is an extremely erect phallus) because I was trying to discuss Green Arrow's inability to hold my interest!

Last issue was enjoyable and I even gave Green Arrow +5 ranks. What more do you want from me? Putting it in the Top Ten? That's just silly! Green Arrow may have you fooled but I'm more cautious! I've been dealing with years of disappointment from Aquaman, so I've developed a thick, Aquaman-like skin. Nobody is winning this heart with just one decent issue! Unless that one decent issue is written by kittens and is full of kittens and maybe guest stars a raccoon. Sorrentino even tried to win me over by drawing Naomi like Tig without band-aids and vampire teeth but I know the difference! That isn't my Tig and I won't be deluded so easily, Mr. Why Do Italians Have Such Androgynous Names?! Why can't you be named something like Madison or Alex or Blair!

But the most important reason why Green Arrow isn't in the Top Ten is because my ranks are based on my whims and don't actually fucking mean much of anything. Green Arrow sucked for a very long time so it's going to have to work its way up the ranks. Although I could probably just switch it with Action Comics right now and just save everybody some time.

Last issue Green Arrow learned he had a half-sister and he had just met his sister's mom, Shado!

Oh look! The comic decided to repeat that information because it was so important! The Trade Paperback is going to sound like it's stuttering!

A snowmobile carrying four guards with automatic rifles runs them down. They aim their guns at Green Arrow and Shado and tell them not to move a muscle. But they're still fucking out drawn by Shado pulling Ollie's bow off of his back and three arrows out of the quiver and nocking the bow and firing the arrows and being hit by the arrows before they can pull a fucking trigger. Here's another reason why Green Arrow isn't going to be in my top ten any time soon! He uses a fucking bow against guns and always wins! Well, technically Shado beat them this time.

I think I hate guns more than Batman does. Not real life guns but comic book and movie guns. It's understandable to me that a guy with an automatic can spray a bunch of bullets and miss his target because those things can be wild. So Ollie beating one guy with an automatic with his bow is fine. But four guys with no cover is another story entirely. And in movies when twenty guys are spraying bullets all over the place and the protagonist is able to run across the room and dive behind something as bullets are bouncing off the floor and the ceiling and shit just pulls me right out of my suspension of disbelief. I suppose when I was five and I was watching Star Wars, it was okay that a battalion of Stormtroopers couldn't hit shit. But I just can't buy into that anymore.

Now these guys may have been under orders not to shoot them because Count Vertigo wants to be the man to punish Green Arrow. But I'm pretty sure I'd at least try to shoot somebody in the leg if they made movements to shoot me in the face with an arrow.

This guy's not even trying now. I think maybe Count Vertigo doesn't pay these guards too well.

Meanwhile Fyff and Naomi are trying to turn the comic into a romantic comedy. Fyff has a crush on Naomi because she's the only non-related female he's ever really interacted with. But Naomi is falling for Oliver Queen because he did a manly thing in front of her. Obviously if this were Hollywood, Naomi's feelings wouldn't really matter and it would be Fyff's feelings that were important, so Fyff would eventually, through persistence and even more persistence, win Naomi's love and affection. She'd see that Oliver Queen is shallow or abusive or gay while Fyff is a nice nerd that truly loves her and what more could a woman want than a truly devoted nerd that provides superior oral sex in the Bouncy Moon Room at the college Olympics? But this is a comic book so I have a feeling Fyff is going to die trying to prove himself to Naomi and then she'll be weepy for an issue before forgetting all about him because she'll be fucking Green Arrow on Fyff's grave.

Back in Vlatava, Green Arrow convinces Shado to tell him about his father and why his father would have put his dick in her when he totally loved putting his dick in Ollie's mother.

Robert Queen found Shado because he wanted to learn archery from the best as he searched for the legendary Green Arrow of the Arrow Outsider's Clan.

So the Outsiders are like the Court of Owls, maintaining balance while not being necessarily good or evil. Which means the Seventh Clan is the Owl Clan which use the ancient weapon of The Owl!

Shado tells Ollie that she and his father didn't plan for the child that came out of their unexpected love. Shado, you're a fucking moron. If you're not planning to not have a child, you're planning to have a child. So you planned to have a child by not planning to not have a child! That's such an important sex education lesson that it needed to be said twice in a row!

Even though Komodo wasn't Robert Queen's actual son, that didn't stop him from going Full Oedipus on his ass. He killed him and took his wife and his wife's child. Although he didn't really want the wife; he just wanted the Green Arrow Relic. But she wasn't giving up the location of it, so he handed her over to Count Vertigo because making people dizzy is the best torture in the world. And everybody knows that torture gets people to tell the truth! Every time! People don't make shit up just to stop being tortured. That's silly! They can only manage to say the truth when they're in so much pain!

Luckily Shado finishes telling her story because Count Vertigo finally shows up!

I know, right?

Green Arrow shoots off Vertigo's left ear while Vertigo blows out Oliver's left eardrum. It's probably a good thing because then Shado can pick up the bow and begin killing people instead of pinning them to walls. Shado lets Vertigo live so he can tell Komodo to suck it. Then she escapes with Oliver in a snow mobile.

Back in Seattle, the man destroying the crime families and taking over Seattle's underground is revealed: Richard Dragon, Kung-fu Fighter! Maybe The Dragon's Claw is the seventh Weapon Clan! I wonder if he keeps in touch with his buddy, Ben Turner? The Bronze Tiger was recently seen in the Pacific Northwest too, so maybe!

Green Arrow #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why is Richard Dragon being such a dick? Is he trying to take over control of Seattle or just clean it up a bit? Seattle's gangs suck if they can be defeated by a guy who only uses his fists and a guy with a bow and arrow.

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Stormwatch #23

Did Jenny Soul decide it was against her little girl beliefs to battle the Purple Pony People?

Whenever I read Stormwatch now that the cover has changed and Jim Starlin has taken over, I always expect Magic Trolley to come ding dinging through my room for our little trip into The Land of Make Believe. Since they're in a reality that was changed by The Crayola Time Lords, it's been set apart from The New 52 in much the same way that Wildstorm was set apart before Flashpoint. Sure, Stormwatch now gets to interact with the DC characters but they're no longer the DC characters from the other titles on the shelf. These are the DC characters of The Ebony Timeline! I think Lobo has an important role to play in Stormwatch's future transition from The Ebony Timeline and back to The New 52. That's not just a random belief that popped into my head which I decided must be as good as any other belief since I was able to think it up. It's based on that part of the story where Lobo was trying to extinguish the light of the universe. That was during The Magenta Timeline which was different somehow.

Stormwatch failed to save The Magenta Timeline last issue but who the fuck cares, really? What they really failed to do was stop The Crayola Timelords from genociding two races of alien creatures. Both races were annoying as all fuck but I suppose that isn't actually a good enough reason to kill them all. Although I can't think of a better one. But even though they failed and Hellstrike is a bigoted shit, Midnighter and Apollo decided to stick around. It's a good thing they did because they're the keystone to Stormwatch's whatever architectural structure uses keystones!

Except for saying, "Hi! My name is Midnighter!", this is an awful lot like a Tott Dedell opening!

Apparently The Midnighter's life has been dark. But it's gotten brighter since he met the light of his life, Apollo! Does that mean that Apollo's life is now being eclipsed by his association with Midnighter? Or will Apollo outshine Midnighter? Can they ever truly find balance together? I suppose if you want to be not cynical about it (but why would you choose that method of thinking?), they complement each other. They also probably compliment each other but only in private moments that will never be explored in a mainstream comic book. It might be acceptable to see smoky black and white pictures of Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer sexing it up in bed because mainstream comic books are ultimately for the straight male gaze and straight males love seeing lesbians together for some reason. Maybe because they know right from the get go that they'll be rejected by them, so they know their poor nice guy feelings will never get hurt by them. Or maybe it's just because four boobies! But because that's the gaze comic books are turned toward, I doubt you'll ever get the same kind of lusty, sexy pictures of Apollo and Midnighter together in a men's restroom at the rest stop on I-90 just east of Rapid City. I mean, in bed.

Next time you're with a bunch of friends and they're doing that stupid "in bed" thing with fortune cookies, you should add "in a men's restroom at the rest stop on I-90 just east of Rapid City" instead. It'll probably be funnier. Although a bit insensitive because it relies on a vicious stereotype of rest stop bathrooms.

I don't think this Purple Pony Person is entirely aware of his violent actions. He looks like he'd rather have a hug and a candy bar than be battling Stormwatch.

Because the Purple Pony People don't seem to be the experts on war they probably like to think they are, Midnighter has time to think about his secret origin as he stabs them in the throat. He remembers how he was abducted from a field in Kosovo by aliens who kept him for years and turned him into Midnighter.

The owls are not what they seem. Unless they seem to be aliens. Then they're exactly what they seem.

This is the exact same thing that happened to Scully's father, Major Briggs! I think I might be mixing up my television shows. I guess as long as I don't begin thinking Jack Tripper was in Deadwood or The Fonz was part of The Wire, I'm not totally losing it.

Lobo and Midnighter manage to leave one Purple Pony Person alive so that they can send them back to their Corporate Overlords with a warning not to fuck with Earth anymore. Go steal water from some other stupid planet, jerks!

Well that explains why this Purple Pony Person looked like he was going to burst into tears earlier.

Afterward, Hellstrike gives his debriefing on the mission.

Are you fucking kidding me? Midnighter had better gut this puss at some point.

I have a feeling Apollo will end up being the one to put a pretty severe beatdown on Hellstrike and Midnighter will have to pull him off of him before he kills him. Because Midnighter is the expert at reading people and he probably sees that Hellstrike is a self-hating, closeted homosexual. They're usually the most bigoted against homosexuals. They're also usually religious for some strange reason. Hmm, do you think those things have any connection? When somebody believes that being gay is a choice and they lead a movement to "straighten out" gays and lesbians, you can be pretty sure that that person is a self-hating homosexual. Because the main reason you would be convinced that being gay is a choice is if you are gay and are taught that being gay is wrong and you force yourself to "choose" heterosexuality. Then you believe that you've made the "proper choice", so why can't other people? I feel the same way when people ask me how somebody can know right from wrong without a religious text. I have to believe those people are sociopaths since they can't understand how empathy drives a person's ethical and moral decisions. They need rules because they don't have empathy which means they're a sociopath. I'm looking at my high school friend Soy Rakelson here! I've never thrown vegetables at pedestrians while driving around town while also following God's law. But to be fair to Soy, The Bible doesn't explicitly say throwing vegetables at people is wrong. "Let he who is without sin throw the first carrot."

Later the Teeny Tiny Leader, Storm Control, daydreams about the day his brain was inserted into his head by Cyclopean Robots. I'm not sure how he remembers looking out of the eyes of the body the brain was put into before the brain was put into the body but I'm also not a biologist! I'm just a stupid fuck reading comic books and being mean.

Storm Control finally lets the other members of Stormwatch know that before The Magenta Timeline, there was a New 52 Timeline that now never existed. Lobo doesn't give a shit but he should since he was killed off by Rob Liefeld in that timeline! Although most of Liefeld's stuff has been ignored and redacted by later stories, so I'm pretty sure Lobo is still okay. Besides, he was only blown up and believed dead by Deathstroke. Lobo has survived worse.

Storm Control has one thing wrong though: the other Stormwatch does still exist! Since all timelines and all possibilities exist, they're still out there ready to interact with Grifter or Voodoo or Team 7. Oh wait. Those timelines don't exist anymore. Stormwatch really shouldn't give a second thought to other timelines. It will only cause a mental breakdown and then cause you to go back in time and steal Superman's baby and create a clone that will bring back your baby. I'd rather just shrug my shoulders and think, "I didn't fail in some other timeline, so why should I bother in this one? If all possibilities exist, I have to be a failure in some of them!" And that's why I'm content with my life!

While Stormwatch wonders why they aren't being wiped out again (as if they'd know!), The Crayola Time Lords are considering trashing their new Ebony Timeline for a Burnt Sienna Timeline. But now they're afraid to do it since the last change created Jenny Soul who killed some of them. Now they don't fit snugly into their box of 64 and they rattle around everywhere they go. They're afraid that if they try again, they'll create somebody even more dangerous than Jenny Soul. It's too bad they can't start over with themselves inside the restarted system so they could get their three lost friends back. So sad.

Storm Control has follow up meetings with one of the Shadow Lords and then with Xiomar, the new Shaman. That's when I learn that the Teeny Tiny Leader isn't Teeny Tiny; the Shadow Lords are Biggy Big. So I should probably try to remember that the leader's name is Storm Control. It helps that he has to keep reminding Xiomar to call him that. And finally The Engineer is taken over by a friendly artificial intelligence that brings them a warning that will help them save Earth. But that story won't take place for two months. I think next month's Stormwatch will be a Lobo story.

Stormwatch #23 Rating: No change. Stormwatch got to pat themselves on the back this issue by performing a second mission successfully although this second mission seems to have been picked because it was no trouble. I think the Purple Pony People will be back again. The rest of the issue was taken up by talk about the Crayola Time Lords and Xiomar's power which is redundant since it does nearly exactly what Stormwatch's Gate system does. It's probably a good thing to have a backup escape plan though. All in all, not a bad issue but not really very exciting either.

Batwing #23

Why is there a Trademark tag on Lady Vic? I absolutely guarantee that nobody is stealing the name Lady Vic. Except now I want too!

Here are some super hero names that I'm trademarking right now:

Lord Vic
Lady Victim
Lady Victrola
Lady Vice
Mister Blister
Genital Warthog
Carmen San Pietro
Training Wheels
The Fragrant Foul
Batsing
Genetic Shake-up
General Ennui
The Purple People Leader
Kittenpult
The Clog
Fantasy Pants
Say Again?

Now I want to continue writing The Galactic Hero Corps! That is too a thing! It was even a thing in which Dan Santat did art for it! Fuck, that was a long time ago. I should probably forget the past and move on with my life. But it's so hard! Forward movement is the worst movement ever!

Currently in Batwing: Termite Men are sucking the thought juice out of Wayne Enterprises CEO, Lucius Fox, while Batman and Batwing battle the Mother of all Termites in an action-packed, gloves-off, brawl to end it all in Gotham City. Or something like that. Have I mentioned recently that I find this comic book boring? I wish Aquaman would guest star. I have some really good fish jokes!

Semi-interesting fact: I called it "thought juice" before seeing this panel. Ewwww.

I've really got to find something interesting about Batwing. The main problem is I don't know much about Luke Fox. So why should I care about him? He's a boxer who took a job of which his father would not approve. He's Lucius Fox's son but I don't even know that much about Lucius Fox. I know more about him from the Batman movies than from the comic books. At least I'd had twenty issues to get to know something about David Zavimbe. Also I hate the name Batwing. That's the fucking name of Batman's plane!

The Mother of All Termites at the end of last issue was supposed to be a tension filled cliffhanger. But it doesn't go anywhere in this comic book because Batman battles it off panel. The majority of the first few pages are filled with Luke's Narration Boxes hoping that his dad isn't dead. So seven pages later without anything really happening, Lucius Fox is safe and the Termite People have been arrested.

That may be the least I've ever said about the first half of any comic book since I began this blog! Something crazy needs to happen in this comic book soon or I'm just going to have to start making shit up.

I wish Batman was the star of this comic book!

Batwing is learning to be a super hero the hard way. Couldn't Batman have pulled him aside and said, "Listen. Unless your family was slaughtered by a random mugger or manipulated into dying in a car crash by a fifth dimensional being or were all turned into snakes by the jealous wife of the King of Gods or were killed in a freak trapeze accident involving a sniper, you're going to have problems trying to maintain balance between your family life and your super hero life." It's just so much easier when your family is dead! Although dating is still difficult. I once thought Nightwing wasn't quite as good at the dating scene as Batman but after seeing Batman's recent relationship with Natalya, Dick Grayson is actually doing pretty well on that front. Although his ex-lover Raya did try to kill him and got herself Jokerized. I guess they all suck at it. Even Clark now has a Lana Lang Mind Zombie running around his brain because he can't figure out relationships.

Meanwhile in India, Lady Vic is shooting a Bollywood director through the head. She's also on a business call with someone in Rome (probably that jerk Atticus Fontaine) who has another job for her.

Batman is only worth twice as much as any other bat? Ridiculous!

Here we go again! First Talia targets Wayne Enterprises and now Atticus Fontaine and his assassin Lady Vic! At least this isn't really Batman's fault. This is Bruce Wayne's fault for getting into the dirty diamond business. But how long is Gotham going to stand having Bruce Wayne's business in town if it keeps turning the entire city into a war zone? And it's not like The Joker has any attachment to Gotham, so The Batman leaving town would probably lower the death rate as well. I think Batman needs an accountant to keep track of the number of people he saves versus the number of people who die in Gotham that are directly related to villains attacking Wayne Enterprises or retaliating against Batman. I have a feeling that book wouldn't balance very well.

Lady Vic calls the man on the phone "Charlie" so maybe it isn't Atticus Fontaine. It could be somebody else that was mentioned in the story at some point but I slept through it. Besides Atticus, who else was there? Some "client not in Rome" that the Marabunta mention to Lion's Mane whom Lion's Mane refers to as Caligula.

Lady Vic's business call is interrupted so that she can show us how shitty she and "Charlie" are with their Alice in Wonderland knowledge.

That isn't good at all, Charlie! Now if she'd asked, "Speak when you're spoken to?", you would have gotten it right. For you see, The Red Queen was the chess piece in Through the Looking Glass. The Queen of Hearts was the one obsessed with chopping off heads.

A few days later in Gotham while Luke is breaking up with Zena for good so he has no ties to anybody but Batman, Lady Vic blows out the front of Wayne Tower. That poor building. Also, I still don't know why her name is Lady Vic. But I do know that I like her!

I love it when the comic book writes the commentary for me.

Just like how The Prankster took out Nightwing, Lady Vic shuts down Batwing's suit and he becomes useless. He does consider putting in a firewall to prevent this from happening in the future but it wouldn't have worked in this case anyway since she used a low-level EMP burst. Perhaps all y'all Batlings should stop relying on suits with goggles that you can't see through if the technology fails. Maybe you should wear a suit that doesn't rely on the tech but uses tech to enhance your ability. Once the tech is shut down, you should be able to fight as if you were in business clothes as opposed to suddenly being blind and immobile! Who is designing these shitty suits? Oh yeah! Batwing's dad!

Lady Vic kicks Batwing off of a building and asks, "Can you fly?" That's how the issue ends. She's obviously not familiar with Gotham City because the Bats don't fly but they all own Bat-Grapples. I think he'll be okay.

Batwing #23 Rating: What am I rating? Did I just read something?