Green Arrow #24

This looks like the cover of a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

If I were reading a Green Arrow Choose Your Own Adventure Story, the first choice I'd make would be, "Pick up a different book and turn to page one."

I've been so thoroughly traumatized by reading J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti's versions of Green Arrow that I can't stand to look at this book anymore. Even though Sorrentino's art is beautiful and Lemire is creating an interesting myth surrounding Green Arrow, I still picture the douchey fucker that was beating up people simply because they were getting famous pulling stupid pranks on YouTube. And isn't this asshole broke now? How the fuck is he flying all over the world in search of the fabled Gold Monkey Green Arrow? Does his Justice League of America stipend cover non-Justice League of America related travels?

Maybe the first page will explain it all to me since Lemire Lobdelled this issue!

How come he doesn't mention any history from his earlier iss...oh yeah. I wouldn't want new readers to know about that shit either.

Green Arrow's balance is all fucked up from having his ear drum blown out by Count Vertigo. But there's nothing he can do about it because he lost his health insurance when Queen Industries went under and he can't afford to pay for insurance out of pocket anyway since he has no job. And even if he could scrape together enough to pay every month, he'd still have to pay the same amount to have a doctor check out his ear as if he didn't have health insurance. But don't worry, Americans! That will all be fixed now that the government is forcing everybody to buy into the privatized health care system that is the best system in the world because they are driven by profits and everybody knows that's the best incentive there is! Universal health care is a great idea but you can't half ass it like America is trying to do and pretend that it's going to work. Either you socialize the entire thing or you leave it up to the populace to freely purchase from private companies. What you don't do is force the populace to begin doing business with profit-driven insurance companies that don't actually give a shit about keeping people healthy and actually make uninsured health care way more expensive than it needs to be. Fuck you, America. I hope you never come back online. By the way, I'm absolutely deducting every day that the government is shut down from my taxes at the end of the year. If you aren't working, you aren't getting paid, bitches.

Count Vertigo is currently fucking up downtown Seattle, so Green Arrow will have to arrange a trip to the hospital later. At least he doesn't have to pay for another international flight to hunt down Vertigo himself. For some reason, the bastard thought Shado and Arrow were important enough to make a house call.

Fyff sure has gotten fat since he first met Oliver Queen. I like it! DC needs more fat characters. Although they don't all have to be anti-social, depressed nerds like Fyff and Jent. Remember when Amanda Waller was fat and she was the only person that could intimidate The Goddamned Batman? She was my hero.

Shado and Naomi hit the streets to take care of Count Vertigo not because Green Arrow can't handle it but because Lemire needed to get the two women alone so that Shado can mention how she noticed that Naomi was in love with Green Arrow. I guess the way Naomi was vigorously rubbing her crotch and sticking her finger up her ass as she gazed longingly at Oliver's man-meat gave her away.

Before Shado can shoot her Rocket Propelled Boxing Glove EMP Arrow at Count Vertigo, she's attacked by Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter! He'd like Shado to not hurt Count Vertigo and to also deliver a message to Green Arrow about how Seattle isn't big enough for the two of them. I bet Richard Dragon is the Master of the Fisting Clan! Which means he should have a mummified fist on him somewhere.

Actually, you do know you have two ears, right Ollie?

Count Vertigo wanders around the streets of Seattle saying things that make a lot of sense. But then Green Arrow appears to stop him because Count Vertigo, while making sense with the words coming out of his mouth, is also destroying everything and killing cops. So that probably needs to be stopped.

Stop saying things I agree with, Count Vertigo! And while I agree with his harsh criticisms of America, I seriously doubt living in Vlatlava is anywhere close to as enjoyable as living in America. We've got some serious problems but at least nobody shoots us in the head for disagreeing with each other. Well, at least government officials don't. Just don't disagree with your neighbor here!

Green Arrow manages to keep his vertigo legs since he's had some practice against this madman and with having a loss of balance over the last several days from his eardrum injury. He punches Vertigo in the face and rips out his vertigo inducing apparatus. I'm not sure Green Arrow's relationship with the Seattle Police (that always seems to be a touchy relationship, the one between the hometown mundane peace keepers and the home town super heroes) but one of them catches Ollie as he nearly stumbles and says, "Easy, G.A. I got you." I actually like this moment a lot just because I feel these guys out on the street would have a certain respect for even a vigilante who, when it comes right down to it, isn't very different from them. It's not like he can fly or is invulnerable or has super-strenght or has anything interesting about him at all actually. He's just an idiot with a mask and a bow and arrow trying to keep the streets safe. You've got to admire that. I guess. Maybe. I mean, I don't. But the cops probably do!

Suicide Squad, here comes Count Vertigo! You know Amanda is going to want to use his vertigo powers so she'll have the apparatus reattached for some future mission. Also, I hope Ambush Bug wasn't flying that news copter. Although I wouldn't mind if Bethany Snow had been on board.

The issue ends with Diggle (I believe this guy was created in the Arrow television show) dropping in on Clock King with a proposition that they band together to help stop whatever bullshit is going down in Seattle (you know that bullshit! Richard Dragon killing everybody!). But since Diggle really isn't known for anything except his role in a television show, next issue will be about how he fits in to The New 52 in a Zero Year issue! Great. Is Batman's Zero Year crap going to affect all the comic books?!

Green Arrow #24 Rating: +3 Ranking. Out of the three dragons, have only Shado and Richard Dragon been exposed? Will the third dragon be the one released from Katana's sword?! Ha ha! Like Jeff Lemire would allow any more of Nocenti's taint on this comic book. Why is that sentence providing me with sexy images in the mind area? And you just know Vertigo will end up in Belle Reve where he'll get excellent health care at no cost out of pocket! Lucky bastard.

Count Vertigo #1

By far, the biggest douchebag of The New 52.

One of the great DC Universe cosmic coincidences during the Preboot years was that a man named Count Werner Vertigo was born with a hereditary inner ear condition that gave him serious vertigo. Unless his parents were just assholes. But it's his last name that was Vertigo, so I don't suspect it was his parents. Perhaps the medical condition was named after this family. But the Reboot has fixed this inane coincidence by renaming Count Vertigo as Warren Zytle. Or Werner Zytle. Whatever. He's still a pretentious fucking dick jelly with a lame power.

I don't want to hear any arguments for why his power is super effective. Just like I don't want to hear about how truly awesome Aquaman is and how he's "more than a guy that talks with fish." Because his power levels aren't the point. He makes people dizzy. He has the same exact power a vodka. And the power isn't even his! It's an implant that helps his condition. Take out the implant and suddenly he's suffering from vertigo himself and puking on Green Arrow's boots. Worst of all, he's aristocratic. He thinks he's better than everyone. Sure, sure. He is better than Green Arrow. I still hate Green Arrow because of what J.T. Krul did to him twenty issues ago.

But enough about my super ability to not let things drop. Fucking J.T. Krul. That guy was the worst. Captain Atom and Green Arrow probably had to start a support group for poorly written superheroes.

[[MORE]] Werner Zytle has come to America Canada to do some Bruce Wayne-type publicity for his charitable organizations. But Count Vertigo has come to America Canada to remember why he came to America Canada.

Because he was a bad child with a bad inner ear condition! Bad!

Werner's mother had to come to America Canada to become a whore so she could save The Count. She seems to be a bit bitter about the entire ordeal. What's her problem? Vlatava was only a little shit country with no real power or wealth. It's not like it was Markovia! Or Latveria.

Instead of saving The Count, she sells him to a medical research school that specializes in turning children into super-powered freaks. I'm speculating! They might just randomly stick electronic gadgets to the kids faces to see if anything cool happens. Count Vertigo's power was probably an accident which, when he discovered it, destroyed the Research Hospital and the entire staff, as well as all the little firestarters and Carries and tommyknockers that were housed at the facility with Little Werner.

Do not taunt the kid with the fucking huge contraption on his head!

Werner gives back better than he got because he's a fucking Count, bitches! He's in line to be king of Vlatava! It doesn't matter if you've never heard of it! What are you king of? Your fucking cock, that's what! Count Werner Vertigo is going places! And no institution can hold him, even if they made him what he is. He eventually kills his doctor (and probably everyone else) and escapes to reclaim his rightful place as the ruler of a shitty little country in Eastern Europe.

That was nine years ago that he reclaimed his homeland. And now he's back in America Canada to reclaim something else he'd thought he'd lost forever.

Bah. People and their petty attachments to nostalgia and family.

I don't get why people become so attached to other people! In love or hate! Geez! There are over six billion of us! Take your pick when you need a little companionship! Making any of them special is just cause for trouble. You know who wouldn't need a secret identity? Somebody with no friends or loved ones! And anyway, isn't that the DC Universe that Dan DiDio wants?! Who needs fucking love anyway?!

Not that I think Count Vertigo had his mother found because he needs a fucking hug. Oh no. I think he's got a little something else in mind here.

No, not sex, you filthy-minded asshole! Jesus. The minds on some of you people.

And then he fucks her.

No, no! He kills her! Because he's smart! He may be a gigantic asshole. But at least he knows that mothers aren't really worth all that Hallmark would have you believe.

Count Vertigo #1 Rating: While this issue was a well told story, I'm getting a little sick of seeing the fucked up lives of the Villains as children. Stop trying to humanize them! The reader is supposed to root for the hero! The Villain is supposed to be a cypher that just does evil for evil's sake. Building character?! Villains don't deserve character! They just deserve to be hated and reviled! But now every time I see Count Vertigo, every time I'm supposed to scowl and root for his defeat, all I'm going to be thinking is, "That bad ass bastard put his mother in the ground. Way to go, Werner!" Stop making me like the Villains so much, DC!

Count Vertigo! (as seen in Green Arrow)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Count Werner Vertigo
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Star City
First Appearance: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #251
Height: 5'11" Weight: 189 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Blond

HISTORY
Last descendant of the royal family that ruled the small Balkan country of Vlatava until the end of World War II when it was absorbed into the Soviet Union, Count Vertigo first appeared upon the scene in Star City, attempting to steal back the family jewels his parents had sold when they escaped to England after the war [I'm getting a bit of a Pale Fire vibe from this history. I'm not sure it's reliable.]. Victim of a hereditary inner ear defect that affected his sense of balance, Vertigo had a small electronic device implanted in his right temple that enabled him to compensate for his problem. By making certain adjustments in the device, Vertigo learned he was able to affect other people's balance as well, distorting their perceptions so that they literally [Drink!] could not tell up from down.

Thus armed, Vertigo crossed the path of the Black Canary (see Black Canary II), who thwarted Vertigo's crime spree by using her ultrasonic cry to overload his implant.

Vertigo has escaped from prison several times since then, attempting to gain revenge on the Canary and her boyfriend, the Green Arrow (see Green Arrow II). At one point Vertigo even returned to Vlatava and threatened the Soviet Union with nuclear blackmail unless they freed his tiny country. Defeated again by the Green Arrow, Vertigo was turned over to the Soviets for punishment. Instead they sent him back to he U.S. to assassinate a prominent industrialist. Once more outwitted by Green Arrow, Vertigo was turned over to the authorities and is currently serving a long prison term.

POWERS & WEAPONS
An Olympic-level athlete [There's a higher than average penchant for crime amongst people who could compete in the Olympics!] but average hand-to-hand combatant, Count Vertigo prefers to rely on the electronic mechanism implanted in his right temple. Designed to correct an inner ear defect, this mechanism can also be used to distort the perceptions of those around Vertigo, completely destroying their sense of balance [Wasn't this already covered?]. This implant, combined with magnetic boots that enable Vertigo to walk on ceilings and walls, makes Vertigo the living embodiment of his name.

During his return to Vlatava, Vertigo supplemented his electronic mechanism with another device of Nazi origin that enabled him to turn his topsy-turvy illusions into reality, but it is not known at this writing if that device, which was short-circuited by Green Arrow, is still operable and still in Vertigo's possession.

Green Arrow #23

Where are her nipples? Not that I'm a pervert or anything. I just like my comic book art to be realistic. Especially around the booby area.

Over in the Super Secret Clubhouse of Secret Super Secrets, Watsonian asked this:

Serious question, [Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!] How do you not have Green Arrow in your top 10? I don't care how terrible the first 16 issues were. Since Lemire & Sorrentino took over, it's been the best thing DC has going.

Well, let me answer that question for you, Watsonian: Green Arrow is a doody head that doesn't deserve to be in the Top Ten. It has not been the best thing DC has going or even close to the best thing. It's better than it was. That's a true statement! But I don't forget history easily and the ability to forgive the first twenty issues just isn't in me. Although Watsonian's statement has a lot more truth in it than this statement from Tiger OA1:

Actually Batwing took a turn for the better. I like David I just didn't care much for the backdrop. luke is a good choice for Batwing even if he really does need a new name. And out of this nu52 bunch it's not a lot of books that's better than this one.

Batwing is an even bigger doody head than Green Arrow! Not a lot of books better than the mediocre bullshit coming out of Batwing? Maybe if Batwing didn't put me to sleep every month, I might know what you're talking about, Tiger. It's not a bad comic book in the way that Katana or Superman or The Teen Titans are bad comic books. It's just not interesting. But I don't want to get sidetracked by Batwing's inability to hold my interest (and I really am hoping that he eventually does! It's now being written by Gray and Palmiotti and I love their All Star Western. So my hope is an extremely erect phallus) because I was trying to discuss Green Arrow's inability to hold my interest!

Last issue was enjoyable and I even gave Green Arrow +5 ranks. What more do you want from me? Putting it in the Top Ten? That's just silly! Green Arrow may have you fooled but I'm more cautious! I've been dealing with years of disappointment from Aquaman, so I've developed a thick, Aquaman-like skin. Nobody is winning this heart with just one decent issue! Unless that one decent issue is written by kittens and is full of kittens and maybe guest stars a raccoon. Sorrentino even tried to win me over by drawing Naomi like Tig without band-aids and vampire teeth but I know the difference! That isn't my Tig and I won't be deluded so easily, Mr. Why Do Italians Have Such Androgynous Names?! Why can't you be named something like Madison or Alex or Blair!

But the most important reason why Green Arrow isn't in the Top Ten is because my ranks are based on my whims and don't actually fucking mean much of anything. Green Arrow sucked for a very long time so it's going to have to work its way up the ranks. Although I could probably just switch it with Action Comics right now and just save everybody some time.

Last issue Green Arrow learned he had a half-sister and he had just met his sister's mom, Shado!

Oh look! The comic decided to repeat that information because it was so important! The Trade Paperback is going to sound like it's stuttering!

A snowmobile carrying four guards with automatic rifles runs them down. They aim their guns at Green Arrow and Shado and tell them not to move a muscle. But they're still fucking out drawn by Shado pulling Ollie's bow off of his back and three arrows out of the quiver and nocking the bow and firing the arrows and being hit by the arrows before they can pull a fucking trigger. Here's another reason why Green Arrow isn't going to be in my top ten any time soon! He uses a fucking bow against guns and always wins! Well, technically Shado beat them this time.

I think I hate guns more than Batman does. Not real life guns but comic book and movie guns. It's understandable to me that a guy with an automatic can spray a bunch of bullets and miss his target because those things can be wild. So Ollie beating one guy with an automatic with his bow is fine. But four guys with no cover is another story entirely. And in movies when twenty guys are spraying bullets all over the place and the protagonist is able to run across the room and dive behind something as bullets are bouncing off the floor and the ceiling and shit just pulls me right out of my suspension of disbelief. I suppose when I was five and I was watching Star Wars, it was okay that a battalion of Stormtroopers couldn't hit shit. But I just can't buy into that anymore.

Now these guys may have been under orders not to shoot them because Count Vertigo wants to be the man to punish Green Arrow. But I'm pretty sure I'd at least try to shoot somebody in the leg if they made movements to shoot me in the face with an arrow.

This guy's not even trying now. I think maybe Count Vertigo doesn't pay these guards too well.

Meanwhile Fyff and Naomi are trying to turn the comic into a romantic comedy. Fyff has a crush on Naomi because she's the only non-related female he's ever really interacted with. But Naomi is falling for Oliver Queen because he did a manly thing in front of her. Obviously if this were Hollywood, Naomi's feelings wouldn't really matter and it would be Fyff's feelings that were important, so Fyff would eventually, through persistence and even more persistence, win Naomi's love and affection. She'd see that Oliver Queen is shallow or abusive or gay while Fyff is a nice nerd that truly loves her and what more could a woman want than a truly devoted nerd that provides superior oral sex in the Bouncy Moon Room at the college Olympics? But this is a comic book so I have a feeling Fyff is going to die trying to prove himself to Naomi and then she'll be weepy for an issue before forgetting all about him because she'll be fucking Green Arrow on Fyff's grave.

Back in Vlatava, Green Arrow convinces Shado to tell him about his father and why his father would have put his dick in her when he totally loved putting his dick in Ollie's mother.

Robert Queen found Shado because he wanted to learn archery from the best as he searched for the legendary Green Arrow of the Arrow Outsider's Clan.

So the Outsiders are like the Court of Owls, maintaining balance while not being necessarily good or evil. Which means the Seventh Clan is the Owl Clan which use the ancient weapon of The Owl!

Shado tells Ollie that she and his father didn't plan for the child that came out of their unexpected love. Shado, you're a fucking moron. If you're not planning to not have a child, you're planning to have a child. So you planned to have a child by not planning to not have a child! That's such an important sex education lesson that it needed to be said twice in a row!

Even though Komodo wasn't Robert Queen's actual son, that didn't stop him from going Full Oedipus on his ass. He killed him and took his wife and his wife's child. Although he didn't really want the wife; he just wanted the Green Arrow Relic. But she wasn't giving up the location of it, so he handed her over to Count Vertigo because making people dizzy is the best torture in the world. And everybody knows that torture gets people to tell the truth! Every time! People don't make shit up just to stop being tortured. That's silly! They can only manage to say the truth when they're in so much pain!

Luckily Shado finishes telling her story because Count Vertigo finally shows up!

I know, right?

Green Arrow shoots off Vertigo's left ear while Vertigo blows out Oliver's left eardrum. It's probably a good thing because then Shado can pick up the bow and begin killing people instead of pinning them to walls. Shado lets Vertigo live so he can tell Komodo to suck it. Then she escapes with Oliver in a snow mobile.

Back in Seattle, the man destroying the crime families and taking over Seattle's underground is revealed: Richard Dragon, Kung-fu Fighter! Maybe The Dragon's Claw is the seventh Weapon Clan! I wonder if he keeps in touch with his buddy, Ben Turner? The Bronze Tiger was recently seen in the Pacific Northwest too, so maybe!

Green Arrow #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why is Richard Dragon being such a dick? Is he trying to take over control of Seattle or just clean it up a bit? Seattle's gangs suck if they can be defeated by a guy who only uses his fists and a guy with a bow and arrow.

Green Arrow #22

There's never enough barfing when Count Vertigo is around. I hope The New 52 fixes that.

I began this entry about an hour ago and look how far I've progressed! Stupid internet. Here's a timeline of my last hour:

4:02 AM. Type caption under image of cover.
4:03 AM. What the fuck do I write about now?
4:04-409 AM. Pet cat in my lap.
4:10 AM. Oh yeah! I was going to discuss how Modern American Horror Movies constantly have to tell their audiences that they're based on a true story. Stop with the fucking bullshit, Hollywood. It just tells me you're target audience is superstitious morons. If you're a superstitious moron, I apologize. I know this isn't new. I read The Amityville Horror in 5th Grade and the book was full of blurbs about how true it was. But it seemed Jason and Michael and Freddy killed that aspect of Horror Movies for quite awhile. But then it came back. When? I'm not sure. Maybe with The Blair Witch Project which didn't actually sell itself as based on a true story but created an internet campaign to create a question as to whether it's real footage or not. But now we get things like Paranormal Party where the movie ends and the film studio credits come up and the screen goes black for about ten to twenty seconds and then the credits roll. Because they want the illusion to persist even after the movie is over! Nobody wants to know that the woman that the demon just ate wasn't really named Sarah Blankenship but Rachael Coup d'Etat. I wonder if Japanese Horror Movies tell their audiences that they are based on real stories? I doubt it because if I saw that, I'd get the fuck right out of Japan!
4:11 AM. I didn't write all of that stuff. Instead I thought, "You know, Jim Shooter was desperate to reboot Marvel in the seventies with his 'Big Bang" idea. I wonder what he thinks of the New 52?"
4:12 AM. Lord Google introduces me to Jim Shooter's Blog.
4:15-5:00 AM. I was reading Jim Shooter's reviews of Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 and Catwoman #1 and Batman #1. Holy fuck. That guy nitpicks like me on speed. Now I see why so many writers and artists hated him during his reign as Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics. Red Hood was just as bad as Jim Shooter concludes. But he concludes it by pointing out so many inconsequential details, that I arrive at the end of the article just thinking he's a bitter old man that must have had his vanilla pudding stolen by Scott Lobdell. Granted, I agree with him on a lot of points he raised. But his old man attacks at Rocafort's layouts just had me laughing. "Why is that panel a rhombus?! What is going on here? Why does that panel overlap that other panel? NONSENSE FOR NONSENSE'S SAKE! Look at all the wasted space!" He was equally hard on Catwoman. And then he picked apart Greg Capullo on Batman pretty handily before saying how much he liked Batman #1. Well, thank fuck for that.
5:01 AM. Question my entire existence based on what I just read. "Is that what I sound like? Am I a bitter old fart like Jim Shooter? What's become of my life? How did I get to this point, sitting in my underwear wearing a jersey that says "Popular" in place of a player's name?
5:02 AM. I realize I was supposed to be reading Green Arrow. I should get on that!
5:03 AM. Write the previous shit!

It's now 5:38 AM and it didn't take me 35 minutes to write the timeline, so I must have fudged the timing of the entries. Anyway, I guess it's time to read Green Arrow!

The issue begins with Green Arrow fighting his way past a small army of guards and into what I'm going to presume is a castle since this is Eastern Europe and he's about to fight a Count.

I don't know how he did it but I know why he did it: Sorrentino ran out of red ink due to I, Vampire.

If Ann Nocenti were still writing, Green Arrow would not have been amazed by the green flames. He would have expounded on what metals need to be added to the combustion to get the flames to burn green. But this is Lemire Arrow and I don't think he's as smart as Nocenti Arrow. He definitely seems more willing to kill if he's setting guys on fire. Perhaps the Flame Arrows expel fire extinguishing materials after the bad guys are disabled by severe third degree burns.

Green Arrow defeats every single guard in the castle because these guards apparently guard castles like Call of Duty Red Shirts (the other players on my team that aren't in my party of friends) defend positions. Why do they always leave their defensive position when they hear gunshots from the other direction? We don't need everybody shooting at every target, dumbass! And what the hell is up with Red Shirts moving into position between you and the window you're sniping from? At least now that I'm playing Hardcore, I can shoot them myself. Learn a fucking lesson, moron!

Oh, my point was that every single guard in the castle rushes Green Arrow and he defeats them all. Now there is nobody left to guard the castle as he explores.

So far, Lemire's Naomi is most like Giffen's Naomi. That's a Naomi I can live with. And boink! Because boinking and living together often go thingy in thingy! Like on Laverne and Shirley!

I bet if I posted the "thingy in thingy" out of context, I could get hundreds of notes with people telling me how fucking sexist I am to believe that boinking has to involve putting anything into any other thing! They'd completely miss the point that I just switched the word "hand" to something more sexy like a thingy and that's the reason for using "in". But then I clarified with Laverne and Shirley because that would be some trick to get Shirley's thingy in Laverne's thingy. I'm not saying it can't be done! I just said it would be some trick. And I'd pay to see that trick! Also on that show, Lenny and Squiggy were also living together. And remember that sexist thing I said about people living together? I bet that's why they always looked so greasy and sweaty.

Hopefully Nick at Nite played Laverne and Shirley during the nineties or a good percentage of you won't know what I'm talking about.

Deep in the castle (so probably in the dungeon!), Green Arrow finds the Dragon he had come looking for.

She kisses him when he unchains her and I feel obligated to scan all kissing. I figure I owe something more than writing my pre-comic reading rituals in excruciating detail to my horndog audience.

After the kiss, the comic book returns to a few days ago to explain Green Arrow and his team's plan. I think maybe my comic book was put together incorrectly! Why do I care about the plan to save the Dragon when he's already saved the Dragon? Stupid fancy comic book writers. I bet Jim Shooter is just losing his shit over this!

Jim Shooter: "What the...? *SPLUTTER* Why would Lemire...? This should have been the opening! I guess if DC is trying to sell crap to their fans, they're succeeding in their mission statement. Garbage! Utter refuse!"

Hey, Jim Shooter! Welcome to my cast of characters! I can't wait to hear what you have to say about Nocenti's Catwoman!

The team discuss Zytle, the criminal monarch of Vlatavania.

Nice one, Fyff!

I like the reverse Oliver Queen life of Zytle. And since Zytle is most likely Count Vertigo, it's even more perfecter! Because Green Arrow's super power is concentrating really well and Count Veritgo's power is making people concentrate poorly! See how those things are opposite? I was going to say Count Vertigo's power is creating lots of barf and Green Arrow's power is creating lots of shit but Ann Nocenti isn't writing him anymore so that statement isn't as true as it could have been a few months ago. In factitty fact fact fact, I actually like Green Arrow so far this issue! Not only that, I like Fyff and Naomi! What the fuck is wrong? I don't remember ordering a White Chocolate Mocha with Raspberry Syrup and Xanax this morning!

After that scene with Fyff being funny and Naomi trying awfully hard to look like Tig without the band-aids, the comic book returns to the point just after the kiss.

The Dragon calls Green Arrow "Robert" which confuses the fuck out of me. Robert? Who the fuck is Robert? Green Arrow says he's not Robert, that Robert was...and then he stops, thinking better of it. Wait a second. Was Robert Oliver's Dad's name? I have a quick consult with Lord Google and discover this is true. Then why the fuck was I calling him Dick Queen last issue? I'm positive Emerson called him Richard! So now I have to dig into my comic book boxes and pull out Green Arrow #21 to prove that I'm not totally Batman shit crazy times.

See?! Dick! To be fair, this all takes place during a hallucination! But still, look for it to be edited in the trade!

So the Dragon thinks Ollie is his dad but when he denies being Dick Robert,she realizes he must be Ollie. Finally somebody sees through the stupid little domino mask and the padded crotch.

And then Count Vertigo makes an appearance. He looks like a Munchkin Surfer that was shot in the head. I did like how when he began using his power, it was represented by pieces of the panel askew as if they were falling out of place. But Count Vertigo looks like the Wicked Witch of the West's bunghole.

My main complaint is he doesn't look anything like a Count. But I suppose he did grow up in Canada, so this is about right.

Meanwhile in Seattle, somebody is killing thugs with bullets. I hope it's Tommy Monoghan!

But that scene doesn't really go anywhere. It just shows that the gangs of Seattle aren't working together. I didn't know Seattle had gangs. It doesn't strike me as very realistic. What are they ganging? Coffee smuggling? Perfectly legal marijuana sales? Signing independent rock groups? Tsk tsking people for not recycling or composting?

Getting back to something more realistic, Green Arrow has become nearly incapacitated by Count Vertigo. He's nearly down when Fyff comes up with a plan. The plan is to toss his arrows. This is where I'd normally make a toss his cookies joke but I don't want to suddenly be hungry for cookies.

Damn it.

Fyff, being a wonton delivery genius, has added remote detonators to all of Green Arrow's arrows. So when Green Arrow throws the quiver near Vertigo, Fyff sets off an electromagnetic pulse arrow. Hey, Fyff. I'm fairly certain you could have done that without Ollie needing to throw the quiver. Perhaps it only has a radius of about a foot so it doesn't fuck up everything else in the area. But now that it went off around all of Ollie's other arrows, does that mean they're all shorted out? I hope so! At least Vertigo is down since he has that vertigo-inducing implant in his head.

As Green Arrow and Shado (the Dragon Lady!) escape, Ollie has enough panels left for one last question and answer session. And this one leads to a really good secret that Lemire just gives the readers instead of teasing them for sixteen issues! Wait, has Lemire been around that long? For what seemed like sixteen issues!

From the back, Count Vertigo looks like Where's Waldo?!

Oh yeah. She finishes by saying, of course, that Robert is Emiko's father and that Emiko is Ollie's sister! Dun dun DUN! It takes a full page for the revelation because Sorrentino had to show that this news stopped Green Arrow in his tracks, dumbfounded. Emphasis on the dumb!

Green Arrow #22 Rating: +5 Ranking. Holy fuck! An actual issue of Green Arrow that I really, really, really liked! I like Green Arrow! I like his team! I like the revelation! I don't really care for Count Vertigo's new look but I guess he was designed for all the new young hep cats to totally dig his groovy style. Can you believe this? It only took DC 22 issues to make Green Arrow into a good comic book! Why did they give up on all the other titles? Static Shock could be good by now! Especially since it was getting interesting right about when it ended. And Mister Terrific and Blue Beetle would be the best comics out there if they'd made it to Issue #22! But not Hawkman. That was the shittiest shit in Diarrheaville.