Swamp Thing #23

Yay! Free opium!

My cat Judas wanted to write the commentary for this issue but I told him that was too gimmicky. That was like something an 80s comedian would do for his stand-up routine on an episode of Star Search.

80s Comic: "So did I tell you that my cat became a stand-up comedian? Yeah, he's not too bad either. I do an impression of him. Do you want to hear it?"
Audience: *Applauds wildly*
80s Comic: "*pretends to lick hand and slick back hair* Good evening, ladies and gentlerats. No, no. I kid. I also spit up hairballs in the Monkey Warden's slip-on paw protectors. I also poo in a box but, hey, who doesn't? Oh, that's right! The hairless Monkey Warden! He poops in his bowl of drinking water! What's up with that? Am I right? Meow?"
Audience: *Applauding because the jokes aren't funny but still feeling like they should show some kind of appreciation for his ability to know things cats do*
80s Comic: *sits on the ground and licks at his crotch for an uncomfortable forty seconds*
Ed McMahon: *busting a gut laughing off-camera because he's fucking drunk by the 2:00 PM taping*
80s Comic: "Meow. What's up with dogs? It's like they're constantly trying out for a job they already have! Relax, buddy! You've got the gig! What's with all the fetching and running about? The Monkey Warden is going to bring you food even if you 'accidentally' draw blood jumping on its face while getting into bed with her. You don't have to constantly be 'on'! Us cats have been mooching on these idiots for thousands of years and haven't done a lick of work! They haven't thrown us out yet! Seriously, you'd worry less if you learned your Hisstory."
Audience: *Applauds wildly to show they understood a stupid fucking pun*
80s Comic: "Thank you! It's been a wonderful three minutes! You've all been terrific!"
Ed McMahon: "Let's hear it one more time for Whoop Doodle McCrumblestuff! Next, a five year old singer that's going to kick the comedian's fucking ass!"

Even if I did let my cat do the commentary, it would just be pages and pages of licking obsessively with short interludes of a staring at a random spot on the wall and then screaming at the top of his voice demanding something that I'll never guess in a million years.

Me: "Oh, you want some scratchies? Good kitty."
Judas: "MMMMMMRRRRRROOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!"
Me: "Are you hungry? Here's some food."
Judas: "MMMMMMMMRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWWW!"
Me: "Let me clean your litter box."
Judas: "MMMMMMRRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!"
Me: "Oh so cute. Do you want me to sacrifice another homeless person to Bast?"
Judas: "MMMMRRRRRRROOOOOOOWWWWWW!"
Me: "How about I just fucking ignore you?"
Judas: *goes back to licking himself when I break eye contact*

Oh great. Judas just puked a bit in his crunchy food as he was eating and then just kept right on digging in. Maybe I should have named him Jimi.

"No pictures, bitch!"

I just took that picture with my laptop webcam. He practically lives on my desk. Although I have put my foot down with regards to the litter box. That stays in the other room.

Oh my god. You're killing me, buddy.

Enough about the stupid cat! I have a Whisky Tree to read about!

This is what happens to people who drink from the Whisky Tree. I know, I know. It's hard to believe a Whisky Tree has a downside.

John Constantine is the besotted ruler of a small Scottish Town where all the inhabitants have been possessed by the fruit of The Seeder's Whisky Tree. Swamp Thing, being the character on the cover of the comic book, was supposed to save the day and return everything to the economically depressed status quo because he cares more about "balance" than "human lives." What kind of a man-plant is he? He's like Spock! Always ignoring the human side he's completely ashamed of. But Constantine cut The Swamp Thing off from the Green and now he's withering away in a jail cell.

For someone who always sides with the plants, Swamp Thing still prefers to look like a human. Perhaps it's just his natural form and thus the easiest to maintain with the least amount of effort.

The only power Swamp Thing has left is that power remaining within his current form since he can't access the Miracle Gro of the Green. He can't break out of jail because he's currently runway model thin but luckily he's seen the episode of The Brady Bunch where the family visits a ghost town and winds up in jail. He grows a nice long stick to grab the ring of keys off the passed out guard.

I know what that is!

After making me think up the term "cock ring of keys," Swamp Thing frees himself from the Sober Tank. On his way to confront Constantine, he saves little Reginald Crawford from a man shoving the devil's drink down Reggie's throat. The Devil's Drink would be man spooge. Or Whisky Tree Sap. Maybe both. It's hard to tell sometimes if it's the author and the scene alluding to the possibility of a child being sexually assaulted or it's my repressed memories forcing their interpretation on the events.

That wasn't a joke about child molestation! That was an acknowledgment of possible memories I can't know I have because they may or may not have been repressed! And I'd rather believe that than believe that I read a scene in a comic book about an overly aggressive man trying to shove something down the throat of a small child and instantly think there's something perverse about it!

Whew! This scene is definitely about a man trying to corrupt a minor! I can go back to repressing the idea that I have repressed memories!

Constantine sends out a man hunt for Swamp Thing. But they won't find him because he's a plant and not a man! Although he's also a monster and Constantine sends them out with torches. And I think angry mobs with torches always catch the monster. Hopefully the Swamp Thing has more tricks up his sleeve than his penis.

Ha ha! I was way ahead of you, Swamp Thing! If there's one thing my mom taught me about, it's resentment! But if there are two things, the other one is monster movies!

The Swamp Thing's next trick is to put all of his essence into a seed and pop it off into the wind. So it looks like he does only have the one trick up his sleeve.

The Swamp Thing's seed grows up out of the ground near Constantine. It grows erect and blossoms and unfurls into a beautiful pink flower which presses itself firmly against Constantine's lips, releasing its sweet smelling essence directly into his mouth, again and again and again.

This isn't just a horror book! It's also pornography!

I didn't know all you had to do was shove a poppy into your face to get wasted! Oh wait. Comic books! I should stop thinking comic books should be written as research materials. Besides, The Swamp Thing can twist plants into doing whatever he wants. And if he wants the poppy to ejaculate opiates directly out of its budding flower and into Constantine's eager lungs, Swamp Thing can make that happen.

With all of the sexual undercurrent in this issue, it's beginning to read a lot like Bernie Wrightson's original vision of The Swamp Thing. As the seventies were getting underway, Len Wein told Bernie he had a vision of a new horror character years ago but had to sit on the idea while the Comics Code Authority was outlawing monsters. But now that the Code was loosening up some of their rules, he figured it was time to bring out this character. "Imagine," he said, "a man inside a vegetable!" So Bernie hit the drawing table and came back with a man with his penis lodged squarely into a squash. "Like this?" he questioned, unable to hide the excitement he was feeling about this possible new character. What I'm saying is his pants looked like a scene out of The Second Great Awakening. "Oh God no!" screamed Len who was having a lunch meeting with Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway. "I meant some kind of a Swamp Thing! Not some porno Man-thing!" Bernie slunk off to try again, his excitement for the project suddenly waning. "I'm still going to make it all veiny," he proclaimed as he shuffled off to try again.

With Constantine now tanked up on heroin, the spell cutting off Swamp Thing from the Green is broken. He grows into a monstrously large monster with the knowledge that he can stop the Seeder's Whisky Tree plans once and for all. While he considers his plan, The Green pipes up in the back of his head. It is the voice that all Avatars (Green, Red and Gray) must fight against lest they find themselves overreaching and becoming another Anton Arcane. The Green pushes him to kill them all, use their Redness to feed the Green. But Swamp Thing still has that touch of humanity and the connection to The Red that allows him to feel empathy towards the meat monsters. He tempers his justice with forgiveness and merely destroys The Whisky Tree before it destroys all of England. I think this is some kind of Temperance Propaganda!

When Swamp Thing returns to Louisiana, he ponders the other voice he heard as he finished dealing with the town. He knows they weren't all his thoughts but he doesn't have much time to think about it (my thoughts are in the paragraph above! Those weren't his thoughts or the comic book explicating them!) before he has to deal with Cappuccino again. She's strung up in a tree and beat up because The Seeder had wandered by to battle Swamp Thing but Swamp Thing wasn't there. So Swampy won't be helping out Cappuccino any time soon. Because he has to deal with The Seeder next! Except next month is Anton Arcane's Villain Month appearance, so hopefully I'll remember everything that was happening in this comic by the time it gets back to the regular plot.

Swamp Thing #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. Charles Soule is kicking some serious plant butt on this comic book. Not only did he get some nice horror bits in this month, he also put in some sexy plant on human sex stuff! I'm going to try to fall back to sleep for a bit. Maybe if I think about it enough as I doze off, I can dream about Swamp Thing's flower face fucking Constantine! Now where'd I put the rubber sheets?

Swamp Thing #22

Swamp Thing is acting less dramatic than me when around smokers.

The worst thing about smokers is when they light up a cigarette while walking down the sidewalk. You do realize I don't want to choke on that shit while walking behind you, right? Fucking have some respect for your fellow Earthlings, Lung Monkey! Mostly I don't give a shit, especially since smokers have been marginalized and I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's disgusting and nobody should do it in public! Especially since I can't masturbate in public. If I can't enjoy my vice in public, you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy yours! Even if masturbation would be allowed in public, I'd have the common decency not to do it while walking in front of someone and spraying them in the face as the wind catches my seed like wiper fluid flying back over onto the car behind.

Hey! This comic book has a Teen Plus Rating! That means the commentary has to be Teen Plus enough to attract the cool kids! And cool kids love masturbation stories!

Hmm. Who else can I piss off by saying I hate a group they fit into? How about Mexicans?! Man, I can't stand how they live in Mexico and speak Spanish. It's so annoying when I go to a Mexican restaurant and half my dinner plate is covered in rice and beans! It's like, what do they expect? To actually fill me up by paying a reasonable amount while listening to jaunty music? And what's with the salsa and jalapenos? Stop serving me such delicious stuff, you generally shorter than the average American fuckers! Could you at least stop deep frying your tortilla chips? Because you're making me fatter than I find comfortable!

But just when I'm stuffed and slightly drunk on margaritas and fuming and ready to let loose with a slew of racial epithets, I'm served fried ice cream. Holy fuck! How do you do that?! What kind of Central American Magic did you bring with you to this country?! Oh, you know I can't stay filled with false hatred for you!

Wow, that was awful of me. I just reduced a whole culture to the Americanized version of their restaurants. Go ahead. The "Unfollow" button is right up there in the corner. I deserve it. There are just some things you shouldn't be flippant about. And Mexican food is one of them.

So, who's left that wants to hear about Swamp Thing? Hands?

Hey now. You watch it in public, Mister.

This Seeder guy is causing trouble in Scotland by making the land work for the people. But Swamp Thing knows that's not the way it works. You can't force the Earth to do your bidding. You have to talk sweetly to it and stroke it and caress it and fertilize it and hope that it wants to produce some delicious, edible offspring with you. You can't just shove the same seeds in the same holes year after year and expect the land to keep performing. You'll end up ruining the soil so that nothing will grow and you'll have to move to California. But The Seeder plants a magic seed which pulls The Green's resources from where it's needed across the globe to places that The Green has abandoned for its own reasons.

The Seeder also uses magic shortcuts because the seed he plants grows a whisky tree and I'm almost certain that Whisky Trees went extinct ages ago.

One famous monster? Is he talking about Grant Morrison?

The Scots are thoroughly enjoying their free whisky. I know what you're doing, comic book. You're trying to get me to indulge in more racial stereotyping, aren't you? Well, I'm not going to do it! I already feel like I went too far earlier even though I was just being silly. But we know how people are, Comic Book. They've got their "serious eyes" on at all times, watching and waiting to see if somebody acts insensitive so they can point out what a bastard that person is and how intelligently sensitive they are for noticing. So if you think I'm going to make a joke that might point out that a certain group of people are alleged to enjoy the occasional fermented beverage, you've got another think coming! How about we just change the subject and take a look at Swamp Thing's plan to infiltrate the drunken festivities.

It's like having Jesus enter you in front of the whole congregation!

Now I want a Whisky Tree. I ate a plum yesterday. I grew up with a plum tree in the backyard. I would eat them right off the tree and then rinse myself off with the hose. But that was nothing compared to my neighbor's Loquat Tree. Oh man do I miss Loquats. I would climb his tree and stuff my face with Loquats. And I'd save the pits which were smooth and shaped like Milk Duds. I forget what I did with the pits. I probably gave them all names and played with them. Those are the kinds of things you have to do when the best gaming console on the market was the Atari 2600! It practically forced you to go outside and invent your own stupid games!

But this is why I really want a Whisky Tree!

Inhibitions? What are those?

And then John Constantine arrives to call The Swamp Thing a Christmas Tree. It's not entirely inaccurate. And the pine cones Swamp Thing picked up kind of resemble ornaments. But before they can have a rational discussion about what's happening, The Swamp Thing attacks Constantine. But that's because The Seeder is fucking with him and feeding him paranoid delusions with his magical Fuck The Green Power.

While John and Swamp Thing discuss how to deal with the tree, the revelers go from merry to maudlin to murderous. I think the Whisky might have gone bad. Can whisky go bad? I know it's already gone bad which is why it's good. But what about whisky plucked from a tree like a fruit? Can that ferment and become Super Whisky?

I should comment on the bloody spectacle happening at the revelry because I love The Swamp Thing for being a horror comic book and I don't want to simply pass up the horrific moments with a few offhand remarks. The conflict takes a typical drunken conflict where somebody might get a tooth knocked out and immediately escalates it into a skull crushing, boot stomping gore fest. And all the other sots watch with glee as a man is murdered. It's mostly disturbing in how quickly the conflict turns from a bunch of guys laughing it off to a bunch of maniacs full of bloodlust.

Suddenly I don't want a Whisky Tree. I don't even want a Loquat Tree anymore.

Constantine tries to convince Swamp Thing to leave the people be but when Swamp Thing refuses, Constantine reveals that he's already under the influence. He works his hoodoo and cuts Swamp Thing off from the Green so that the big green guy can't destroy the Whisky Tree. And he's lost quite a bit of his power. John orders the rest of the town to destroy The Swamp Thing and they get to trimming the tree.

Swamp Thing #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. Charles Soule has a bit of a carefree take on The Swamp Thing which I really like and find refreshing. And I can't get enough of the plants treating him like a rock star. Well, I suppose eventually I'll get enough of that. But I like it so far! And Constantine turning into an actual threat that Swamp Thing is going to have to deal with is a nice touch. I thought maybe this would be a short story with The Swamp Thing defeating The Seeder at the end but it looks like The Seeder is going to be Swamp Thing's Arch-nemesis for the long haul. He'll defeat Constantine and then probably have to head back to deal with Cappucino before heading off on another quest to stop The Seeder.

Swamp Thing #20

Superman would do anything to guest star his way out of his own book.

I wonder if Scott Lobdell is just tired of writing comic books. Maybe somebody just needs to give him an uplifting pep talk to get him back on track! I've been assured by a number of people that they enjoyed Scott Lobdell back when he was writing Young X-Men or whatever it was called. But then most of those people were twelve year old boys when they were reading those comic books and I'm pretty sure I read and enjoyed a lot of poorly written crap when I was twelve as well. So I don't particularly trust those accounts. I wonder if Scott Lobdell's Hardy Boys Mysteries are any good? I should give those a try!

Why do I always end up talking about Scott Lobdell? I think I must have a crush on him.

This issue begins inside Swamp Thing's dreamscape. He must be dreaming while passed out on The Scarecrow's Nasty Gas. Which means the dream should quickly become a nightmare. I know this because I'm super smart and I've sussed out The Scarecrow's modus operandi!

It's Tefé's first appearance in The New 52! And probably her last! Hi Tefé!

Tefé heads out to pick flowers when she runs into the Swamp Thing. She holds his hand and she's quickly engulfed in his plant matter and killed. Alec sees what happens and runs out to cradle his dead child.

I wonder when this dream is going to become a nightmare. I know it will be soon!

Meanwhile in the nondreamscape which I'm going to dub "Awakescape", Metropolis is covered in vegetation. All over the city, people are becoming food for gigantic Venus Fly Traps and probably other plants that eat meat. I think one is the Rotting Corpse Flower that Swamp Thing mentioned last issue. Another one is the Kite-Eating Tree from Peanuts. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just kites that it was gorging on.

I wonder if Clark Kent ever sneezes and winds up giving Lois frostbite?

The fire captain acts like a gigantic jerk but I guess you can't blame him. Most of the shit happening to Metropolis in the Superman comic book would never have happened if Superman wasn't there. I hate that kind of bullshit writing. Bring the action and the plot to Superman because it's easy. But it also means Superman should fucking get out of a populated area because he's putting Metropolis in danger. I'm willing to bet 90% of comic book plots have villains specifically targeting the super heroes. And if that's the case, the world really would be better off without them. Get the fuck out, assholes!

I really wish this wasn't the case though. One of the reasons a lot of these heroes just don't resonate with me anymore is because they're not being portrayed as heroic. Saving your own ass isn't heroic; it's merely saving your own ass. Just because the person saving his own ass has super powers, I'm supposed to be excited? Fuck that. This is why, even though he's not my favorite, Batman is the best. He's off stopping people who are trying to screw with Gotham. Oh, except for that one small Joker incident that got everybody so pissed off. But besides that, he's helped save Gotham from the Court of Owls and The Mad Hatter and The Scarecrow and The Scarecrow and the Man-Bats. Oh, I guess he did bring Leviathan down on Gotham's head. Never mind. He sucks too.

Over in the Dreamscape, Alec Holland is lecturing the Swamp Thing and telling him he's a royal dickbag for choosing plants over a future family life. I'm not sure Holland had a lot of choice in the matter. He'd be dead now if he didn't choose to become the Avatar. And even as the Avatar, he was almost dead! But this is all a hallucination brought on by The Scarecrow's fear spray, so Swampy probably shouldn't take any of it too seriously.

Superman tracks Swamp Thing down in the Botanical Garden where The Scarecrow is trying not to be eaten by The Great Pumpkin. He tells Superman what happened as he jizzes in his pants over the fear of imminent death. Superman, not being Batman, decides he has to burn up Swamp Thing to save everybody else in the city. That makes sense. Batman is so determined to live by the letter of his ethical law that he'd let half of Gotham die before he killed one person to save them.

Oh! But Batman would have known that fire would have worked and not killed Swamp Thing. I'm sorry for doubting you, Batman!

Swamp Thing retracts all the plants and Metropolis can now spend the next six months fixing all the buildings and bridges and streets and sewers. Maybe The Flash will come rebuild everything for Metropolis. And then Swamp Thing asks Superman one question: how do you pretend to be human?

Superman simply tells Swampy that he connects to people. You have to make connections. You have to choose to be human. And then he flies away.

Yeah, that's easy for an alien that looks exactly like a human to say. Swampy's going to have a hard time using that advice. What a bastard.

Swamp Thing probably flips Superman off and then travels along the Green and back into Louisiana where he meets a woman that needs his help. I don't know who she is because I apparently haven't read enough comic books.

Swamp Thing #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I'm really liking this version of Swampy. And now he's going to go on an adventure!

Swamp Thing #19

When I first opened this cover, I thought that was Bizarro and got way more excited than I probably should have.

Swamp Thing no longer has a human side so he needed a new writer. Maybe I've been wrong all along about new writers sticking to the old writers' characters and stories and histories. Perhaps Jim Starlin had the right idea by simply erasing the previous writer's characters from existence so he could start over. Except how am I supposed to care about any of these characters when they constantly flip personalities? I understand DC doesn't really have much of a choice about keeping a single writer on every title they do. But is it any wonder that I stopped reading comic books when Cerebus ended? Sure, Dave Sim kind of fucked himself at the end when he began obsessing with his religious beliefs that reintegrated Judaism, Islam, and Christianity as if they never branched out from each other. I guess that's a pitfall of having the same writer. But is it any wonder that after I stopped reading monthly comics, the two comic books I kept following via trade paperbacks were Fables and Walking Dead? The common link between those? A single writer across all issues (well, maybe Fables had a few guest stories here and there. But that hardly counts).

Not that I'm already complaining that Swamp Thing has a new writer! I think changes in writers work on comic books when they have time to finish out their stories and create a moment where a new writer easily fits in. Like Swamp Thing losing his human side. Or Stormwatch breaking up. Oh wait. Stormwatch could have been anywhere in their story since they were just simply erased from existence when Adam One was killed at the beginning of the universe because they weren't selling enough Stormwatch books to old Stormwatch fans. So Starlin gets to bring back characters more like the originals even though they're the same characters that were just wiped from the New 52. What does this mean for the 19th Century Stormwatch tale being told in All Star Western? Adam One is currently recruiting them and now Adam One doesn't exist. But more importantly, how does this affect Swamp Thing?

And the first page of Swamp Thing gets all contrary on my comment that "Swamp Thing no longer has a human side." Because Swamp Thing is sitting in the desert thinking that all he is is his human side! I guess losing the body part of Alec Holland hasn't changed the fact that it's still Alec Holland's mind whereas the Pre-52 Swamp Thing didn't even have Alec's mind and was simply a confused plant. Now he's a man that looks like a plant but isn't confused about the fact that he still has the mind of a man. I guess hanging out in the desert as a cactus man can bring a new perspective to your life.

What I like about this new Swamp Thing (new? Or should I simply say, "Changed"?) is that he's actively listening to plants now. He's not just poor, abused Alec Holland trying to deal with his death and his own problems. He's opened himself up and is receptive to the voices of other plants. He is now ready to deal with problems that don't directly relate to his own ego. I'm not sure because I don't want to think about it for too long, but he might be the first of The New 52 characters to come to grips with his Rebooted self and is ready to simply have comic book adventures! Okay, maybe The Flash has long since come to terms with his role. But he should have! He's supposed to do everything faster than everyone else. And probably a whole bunch more but then I'd be arguing against my own point and I'd never get anywhere in my writing if I began doing that. Well, maybe I would. But it wouldn't be anywhere I wanted to go. It would simply be one digression after another and pretty soon it would all just end with me calling myself a cunt-faced motherfucker and storming away from the computer pissed off at myself. Oh, sure. That might be entertaining to somebody watching my office from a hidden spy camera. But since I'd be too angry to hit the POST button, nobody else would ever get to enjoy it.

You know what? I was going to scan a panel that had something to do with my original point. I forget what that was but here's the panel anyway.

I think he's painting all plants with a pretty wide and stereotypical brush!

Swamp Thing has come to the desert because the plants won't shut up about a new piece of tropical rainforest growing in the desert where it shouldn't be growing. Swamp Thing must be old fashioned because he heads to the desert and destroys it because, historically, this shouldn't be this way. So I guess Swamp Thing's against technological advancements in creating ecosystems outside their normal parameters? A nice piece of Tropical Rainforest can't exist where it shouldn't exist because mankind created it instead of nature? The new Swamp Thing is a complete and utter fascist! I think that's probably a good thing. I mean, he knows plants. I don't know plants at all! He must have a good reason for destroying this place that humans can't fathom.

Some guy named The Seeder is manipulating The Green to help people. The Swamp Thing is going about undoing all of his good work because The Swamp Thing knows better than The Seeder. Or else The Swamp Thing has become a Super Villain! Stupid jerk! Help the people, not the plants!

Oh! I bet The Seeder is Monsanto. He's probably fucking up biodiversity, sending the world into a place where one catastrophic disease will end all plant life because it's all been so closely tied together with all the same genes spliced into every single plant. Except it's not that at all. It's just like I said earlier about how The Swamp Thing sees how when The Green is manipulated unnaturally in one place (even if it helps humans), it hurts and changes The Green in another place. Eventually fucking with the natural order too much will collapse the whole system. And The Swamp Thing is just being a good Avatar of the Green. He's not trying to rule the world or defeat The Red or The Rot; he's simply keeping the balance.

The Swamp Thing is doing an awful lot of Narration Boxing. It's almost like he's writing his memoirs. He is a plant though. And he did say how plants can't shut up. So the logic is consistent.

After Sudan, The Swamp Thing travels through the Green and regrows in Metropolis to visit the Metropolis Botanical Garden.

Well you'd better fucking destroy it then! Unnatural!

The Swamp Thing has come to Metropolis to hang out with humans. Or with super-humans, actually. He wants to speak with Superman. They've got that whole died and came back from the dead thing in common, so he probably wants to gab about that a bit. But I suppose The Scarecrow is also in town. He probably needs some ingredients for a Fear Toxin and he can only find those ingredients in the Metropolis Botanical Garden. Well, he could find them all over the world. But he can only find them all in one place for the cost of one ferry ticket across the bay here in the Botanical Garden.

Swamp Thing wants Superman to tell him it's okay to choose plants over people since Superman constantly has to choose people over people. Perhaps Swamp Thing and Superman can set up some kind of helpful exchange program. When Swamp Thing takes away an oasis that will cause a whole bunch of people to die, he can contact Superman to come and save those people by bringing them soup and bottled water. Hey, you try to think up a charity program on the first try! That's my best first guess. It probably needs to be workshopped a bit more to get it right. Maybe Superman will just tell Swamp Thing to stop doing things that put people in danger, you stupid plant. You're no better than Poison Ivy and Kudzu.

I love this portrayal of plants so much. "OH MY GOD! SWAMP THING IS ACTUALLY HERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! SWAMP THING! SWAMP THING! OVER HERE! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! IT'S REALLY HIM!"

Swamp Thing might not be very horrory right now (except maybe for the rats) but I'm really enjoying the new voice. Pouty and depressed can only go so far. Now he's a bit perplexed about his job but he's enjoying it and embracing it and making plant friends everywhere he goes.

I'm hoping the horror will pick up and the comic can be both of these things at the same time. If that happens, Charles Soule will have nailed his target audience of me.

Am I the only one that hates "squee" and is super sick of it? It just smacks of trying too hard to be overwhelmed by cuteness. Think up your own reaction, internet denizens. For me, "squee" occupies nearly the same space as "meh".

I think Charles is gently easing us into the horror part of the comic book. An underground nest of rats eating away at the roots of a Banyan Tree. Smashed and crushed rats bleeding everywhere. Swamp Thing walking off leaving a trail of blood. I think these are omens! Squee!

I hate myself. Even for using it sarcastically. Meh.

OH GOD I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF FOR REAL NOW!

Meanwhile The Scarecrow is sneaking into the Botanical Garden to steal some Nightshade. Or something. I already said I don't know my plants! But Swamp Thing is there to stop him before Scarecrow can clip any flowers. I bet the plants are going fucking bananas right now! Especially the bananas! "HOLY MANURE! THE SWAMP THING IS FIGHTING THE SCARECROW! I COULD LITERALLY WILT HAPPY RIGHT NOW!"

Does DC really need more Scarecrow stories? This fucker is everywhere! Well, he's mostly in The Dark Knight and then again in The Dark Knight and then in Detective Comics and then in all those other places I'm sure he's been. Oh! Like Justice League America #2.

After the Swamp Thing gets his fill of talking to another human (or a human. I still think Swamp Thing is delusional thinking of himself as a human) and giving him advice on how to raise the Terror Foxglove Flower Thing, Swamp Thing decides to come out of the shadows to try to scare the unscareable.

"PRUNE HIS APPENDAGES, SWAMPY!" "MULCH HIM!" "COMPOST HIM!" "POLLINATE HIS FACE!" "NO, NO! POLLINATE MY FACE!" "NO! MINE!" "YOU CAN POLLINATE MY ROOTS!"

I think that might be the first time I've ever written Plant Porn.

The fight goes poorly for Swamp Thing because he has no offense. He just stands there while The Scarecrow pollinates Swamp Thing's face over and over again. Well, that isn't totally true. Swamp Thing does begin strangling The Scarecrow by taking control of the hay in his hood. But since Swamp Thing doesn't want to kill him, he doesn't punch Crane in the head. I'm pretty sure a butterfly could accidentally fly into Crane's face and break his nose. He's a weakling!

The Scarecrow must have designed that spray specifically for Poison Ivy who was killed by Katana. Or not.

Whatever the spray did to Swamp Thing (probably made him scared, right?), it knocked him out and caused him to sprout all over Metropolis. Superman sees his city suddenly covered in vines like a scene straight out of Rotworld and quietly judges from the sky. "Holland," he thinks because he's super smart. Also he has super vision. And probably super smell. I bet Swamp Thing has a very distinctive smell. That would probably be the worst super sense. Super hearing would drive me mad because I'm really sensitive to certain sounds. But super smell? Disgusting. I imagine Clark Kent would be gagging and retching throughout his entire day. Lois probably thinks he's a wuss with a weak stomach.

Swamp Thing #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed every aspect of this comic book even though it was mostly Narration Boxes. I don't always have to hate them just for the sake of hating them. I only hate them when Scott Lobdell writes them simply for the sake of hating Scott Lobdell. I knew I could work in my distaste for him into another commentary!