Earth 2 #16

How long is a populace going to obey a Trickster God when every command is just going to end in somebody sitting on a whoopee cushion? Although it's yet to be proven in clinical trials, fart noises do eventually stop being funny.

Remember when there were comic books that were about ongoing stories and were not about villains that had hardly been showcased yet in The New 52? Those times are back again! At least for a month before everything goes Year Zero on us. So enjoy it while it lasts! I'll enjoy it later when I read a good comic book. Until then, I'll read the mediocre comic book that is Earth 2!

This is how the issue begins:

Aww. It looks like somebody was all ready to pose for a lenticular cover and didn't get a callback.

The next two pages show the World Army assaulting Dherain and Steppenwolf too! Which, if you're keeping track with a calculator (I don't expect you to do math in your head), that makes two panels in three pages. I suddenly have a tremendous pain in my wallet and a burning hatred and resentment for DC Comics and James Robinson. Don't take your quarrel out on me by giving me less story! I want to see lots and lots of words! And also lots and lots of Nicola Scott's artwork. And having her copy and paste a bunch of World Army ships across two pages isn't what I paid for! Well, I guess it is what I paid for. But it's not what I would have paid for if I had any dignity! Although she did draw all the little tiny individual people that just look like crucified rocketeers. That's cute.

Well trepan me and fuck me directly in the nucleus accumbens! Page four and five are ANOTHER double page spread! So that's three panels across five pages! Everything in this story so far could have played out in one page. A single page! Hell, a single page by Keith Giffen would have three times as many panels as have been in the first five pages of this comic book so far! If anybody is out there...if anybody is reading these words, I convey this warning: do not purchase Earth 2 #16 at cover price! Haggle it down to at least 50% off! The first seven pages with ten panels amount to five words: Steppenwolf defeats the World Army. Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words was 9,995 words off the mark.

So, you know, Steppenwolf and his Hunger Dogs (Beguiler, Bedlam, and Brutaal) defeat the World Army. I guess that means The Wonders need to buck up and try again! Although Steppenwolf could have defeated everybody on Earth 2 if he'd just killed the Wonders after defeating them the first time. Oh, I guess two other people survived the massacre.

Commander Khan and Mister Terrific.

Meanwhile the Wonders are busy picking their asses up off the ground and scraping together the shredded remains of their dignity. They're also, like me, wondering why they were left to live. I'm sure Steppenwolf has plans for them although Steppenwolf really should have grown up reading more comic books. Then he'd know that leaving the heroes alive is always a huge mistake. I suppose they didn't have many comic books on Apokolips, so he couldn't learn that lesson. But you know what they did have on Apokolips? A woman named Kaiyo! And since she's on the cover and she wants to see Darkseid's defeat, perhaps it was one of her tricks or pranks that caused The Hunger Dogs to think that the Wonders had been killed.

The Justice Society is coming along nicely! Except for that second Sandman wannabe jerk. I suppose this team needs at least one Red Shirt to keep things exciting with his horrible death when they face The Hunger Dogs again.

Wesley Sandman Dodds gets a radio communication from Commander Khan asking that they help save and evacuate any survivors. The not quite the Justice Society head into Dherain and most do just that. Except for Alan Scott who decides it would be best if he faced Steppenwolf one on one. Except Steppenwolf doesn't exactly like the one on one math, so Brutaal comes in to help double team Alan Scott, and not in a pleasant, ecstasy-induced encounter in the quiet room at a rave kind of double team. No, this is more like a bunch of frat guys that desperately need to be liked by anyone at all and, smelling weakness on all of themselves, join together for some male bonding by beating the shit out of whichever one of them they all somehow instinctively decide to beat the shit out of. That comparison was as tortured as a frat guy's declaration of his heterosexuality.

Come on, Mister Terrific! Show Steppenwolf your balls!

Mister Terrific isn't the man to finally stop Steppenwolf. And why should he be? He hasn't done shit since he's come to Earth 2! DC makes a big fucking deal that Mister Terrific was going to wind up on Earth 2 after his comic book was canceled and then he just hung around in Sloan's basement for a dozen issues. Which is fitting, I guess, since Terry Sloan was the original Mister Terrific. Maybe they were comparing notes. Or balls. Or something.

No, no. Instead of Mister Terrific (or any of the not-quite-yet Justice Society members, for that matter) ending Steppenwolf's reign, it's Brutaal that strikes. You know why?

Remember the fucking cover, assholes? It's Kaiyo!

Or, um, Superman? No, no. I saw the cover! It's just Kaiyo playing a trickster trick!

I suppose I could have misinterpreted the cover even though I am a Master Comic Book Reader. Look, Superman doesn't even have his spit curl here! I'm pretty sure he has that spit curl on every Earth. He even has it on the cover! Which, you know, isn't even him! Although I was wondering how Kaiyo could have been here and trapped in the Omega Room on Earth Prime at the same time. Although she did escape in the last issue of Vibe. And Boom Tubing is tricky when it comes to time and what is the correlation between Earth 2 and Earth Prime's times anyway? Why am I even debating if it's actually Superman or Kaiyo when I could just turn the page and find out!

Superman (Kaiyo!) blasts a huge rift in the Earth with his Omega Beam Heat Vision Eyeballs as the Wonders and the last of the survivors retreat to safety. And this issue had two extra pages in it, so I forgive DC and James Robinson for the slow start! So if you ran out and didn't buy this comic book based on my earlier recommendation, I'm changing that and suggesting that if you like reading Earth 2, maybe it's okay to go out and buy this issue.

Earth 2 #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, fuck it. I enjoyed this issue. And I suppose that Superman isn't Kaiyo at all even though the cover is awfully deceiving in that it looks quite a bit like Kaiyo. This Superman could be whatever Darkseid had been working on in his Superman Corpse Lab on Apokolips. It might be a mutated version of Earth 2's Superman with some parts stuck on it from the Supermen of many other Earths!

Or it could, you know, be Kaiyo.

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Earth 2 #14

Time for some fun, escapist literature!

Steppenwolf, your hour of dickitude is over. Earth 2 has a penultimatum for you! Stop being a dick! See, I think the stop being a dick is the penultimatum and if he doesn't stop being a dick, then the ultimatum kicks in which is leave or we'll throw you out. And since those two option are really just the same option, a smart person would leave of their own accord. Steppenwolf probably doesn't think that the heroes of Earth 2 can throw him out though, so he probably thinks the ultimatum has some subtext reading, "Unless you're too powerful for us and then you can ignore the ultimatum after you kick all of our asses." I think all ultimatums have that loophole!

Okay, so Steppenwolf needs to be removed from the seat of power in Dherain. Here's the plan. First, the World Army will....

Fine. Forget the plan. Just rush in flinging magic and light.

It turns out Alan Scott and the others actually have a plan. It's called "leaving out the women." Where the fuck is Hawkgirl? Oh yeah, she's detectivanting all over China. That's where you do detective work as you gallivant. It was all the rage in Edwardian times. Now I want to write a comic book about Detectivanting! The activity would strike the fancy of the younger Lords and Ladies with substantial amounts of their parents' money to spend. The series would follow one group of fairly unlikable snobs as they set off for Europe or America or Africa on Detectivanting Excursions. They would pay for the pleasures of prearranged intrigues but their frivolous pursuits would eventually lead the whole world into war. There would also be a lot of sex.

Actually, Alan Scott's plan (before I was derailed by my new comic book idea that I'll never write) was to leave the World Army out of his plan and go into Dehrain with just The Flash and Doctor Fate at his side. Also, they don't care about Steppenwolf or the safety of Earth. This entire strike is just a public relations move to make the people of Earth 2 fall in love with Wonders: The Next Generation. I'm sure something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong. Commander Khan will probably spit and scowl and scuff his shoe against the military base's hardwood floors and go, "Eeeeeewwwwwww!" Oh, that probably needs a little more to it to be a consequence of something going wrong. Maybe he'll declare Heroes illegal or draft them into the World Army to work with The Sandman and The Atom.

You know what? I think Commander Khan already hates these new wonders and is currently hunting them. So I guess nothing can go wrong! They're only battling a bunch of human soldiers, after all!

Whoops!

The Flash, probably because he has no actual idea how long they've been fighting (seriously? How the hell do you judge time when you run around at different speeds and your mind works at varying speeds? He must always feel like it's Tuesday), thinks it "went well" after defeating Dherain's border guards. But Alan Scott reminds him they're at war and wars take a long time. Now I'm curious as to how long The Flash can fight before he completely exhausts himself of energy? Since this isn't the Earth Prime human "Oh no I've just been doused in chemicals and struck by lightning" Flash, perhaps he has unlimited energy. After all, he is using the power of a God.

Before Steppenwolf's anti-wonders can show up, The World Army's Wonders arrive! They're composed of The Sandman Squad, The Atom, and Doctor Didn't Get the Memo That Warfare Has Advanced Past Pointy Sticks.

Seriously, Sir. There's a gigantic nuclear man behind you! And you bring a bow and arrow?

I suppose a bow and arrow might make sense if the person firing it had some kind of super speed power. A gun would be useless because it could still only fire at a standard rate due to its mechanical nature. But a bow could be fired as many times as possible. I think. Ignoring friction, of course. Which would probably mean the bow and string would have to be made out of Inertron.

Also on the way to the battle are Commander Khan and General Foster (Australian, of course. Is that wrong?). General Foster likes to be called Stormy and I can't tell if it's because he's from Australia, or if it's because he has some kind of weather powers, or if it's a sex thing. With that mustache, it could be any of them.

Speaking of mustaches, I have a friend that believes the hipster fascination with old timey mustache styles and getting tattoos of mustaches on their fingers is linked to the Guy Fawkes masks used in the Occupy Movement. I guess he believes it's a secret sign of revolution. Does he think it's some kind of secret symbol like the Christian Fish or a Masonic handshake? As they pass each other on the streets, do they raise a mustache-tattooed finger to their upper lip in a sign of solidarity?

And speaking of geniuses which I'm speaking of now so now I'm speaking of geniuses, Earth Prime's Third Smartest Asshole has finally decided to grace us with his Fair Play and Technobabble.

If I were a super hero, you can bet my uniform would have a whole lot more armor right around the crotch area.

Back on the boundary of Dherain, The World Army Wonders and The Independent Wonders are busy bickering. At least they haven't actually attacked each other by the time Dherain's Anti-Wonders show up. They get a full page splash highlighting their costumes but since I already scanned the smaller panel, I'm not going to bother with this one. Besides, it looks like they've got a spotlight in Channel 52! I mean Channel 2! Which I guess I'll read now.

Not surprisingly, the Local News did not inform. These are the Hunger Dogs of Steppenwolf (I learned that from next month's teaser!). I believe the purple clad woman is Tatters, the orange maniac is Lockjaw, and the big armored guy is Big Armored Guy.

Earth 2 #14 Rating: No change. I think Alan Scott's plan is stupid because he believes the people will bring down the World Government once they see the Wonders in action overthrowing a sovereign country. Yeah, that's what the people want to see! Super powerful beings toppling governments because they don't agree with the country's leader. He does run a broadcasting network, so it's understandable that he isn't in touch with reality.

Earth 2 #12

Twenty Pages per month just doesn't seem like a lot of space to give to every single person on Earth 2.

Last issue, Doctor Fate finally accepted his role as Doctor Fate and the Justice Society came one step closer to being a reality. I keep hoping Robinson will get around to dealing with Mister Terrific's story but I guess locking him in a closet until Robinson is ready to deal with him was probably the best way to keep Mister Terrific's cancellation from ruining Robinson's plans for this book.

This issue begins with Dr. Fate and Wotan battling above the streets of Boston. I guess upon defeating the Great Beast, the dimension housing the Tower of Doctor Fate spit everybody out. And of course that magical, strange dimension was located amid the shadows and aging buildings of a New England town. I just can't picture any kind of Lovecraftian dimension existing anywhere in the Midwest or on the West Coast. Unless Robinson takes a moment for a flashback to see how the battle ended up on Earth 2, I'll just assume it's the way I just mentioned.

The World Army flies in to put a stop to the magic battle but Green Lantern and The Flash try to keep the World Army at bay. Why is Green Lantern here and helping? Why are they trying to keep the battle one on one? Where's Jay Garrick's mother? I'm smelling the need for a flashback pretty soon here!

Oh! There's the flashback! And ugh! Jay Garrick's subconscious is ugly.

Doctor Fate and Wotan begin their battle in the side Dimension. Nabu wants to help Khalid with his previous knowledge of Wotan but Khalid, as Doctor Fate now, decides he's through listening to the voice in his head. That might be helpful in certain situations but I'm pretty sure when you're about to use magic which you have next to no experience using, it might actually be a good thing to listen to the voice in your head that's had years and years of experience with the stuff! And because Doctor Fate doesn't listen to the expert, his first magic attack is simply flying straight at Wotan and smashing into him like a demented football fan crazed from seeing the colors of the rival team (in this case, the colors are blue and yellow versus purple and green).

No! Evoke the power of Bast! Cats beat everything!

Because Wotan is so powerful in this dimension, Nabu directs Khalid to take the fight back to Earth where Wotan will lose the extra power he's absorbed from squatting in this place. And that's how they all end up fighting in Boston. Also, Doctor Fate claims he needs to beat Wotan without any help. And that's why The Flash and Green Lantern set up a perimeter to keep the World Army away from the conflict. And then on the next page, Green Lantern and Hawkgirl appear so the next part will probably explain why Green Lantern is helping out! He probably came by to drop off some applications to the Justice Society and just got swept up in the fighting and the do-gooding.

Alan Scott and Kendra Hawkperson are trying to figure out why an entire train was derailed simply to kill Sam, Alan's fiance. Their investigation leads them to a shipping container full of dead parademons which is probably the answer to the mystery but they're not smart enough to figure it out. So Alan's ring decides to force him back to America to hang out with Doctor Fate and The Flash while Hawkgirl goes back to the guy that led them to the shipping container to ask him, "What the fuck?"

And that brings everybody together just like when the comic book started. It also leaves just a couple of pages left for Doctor Fate to destroy Wotan. Or at least destroy this current version of Wotan. If that happens, Wotan probably won't be any trouble for at least another ten or eleven years.

I guess two year olds can be a handful, so maybe Wotan will be back by Issue #36.

Afterward, The Nearly The Justice Society retreat from the World Army to Alan Scott's penthouse. Before they can decide on their next step, Doctor Fate has a vision that they should turn on the television because televisions are always supposed to be on so that super heroes can learn their next course of action. When they turn on the set, the news tells them that Steppenwolf has declared himself leader of a crappy little country and that the World Army is set to invade. So of course The Nearly The Justice Society feels they should probably get involved. I guess that'll take place in the stupid Annual.

I hate Annuals! I want a week off instead of reading four half-hearted stories to lure in new readers!

Earth 2 #12 Rating: No change. Maybe this was good. Or maybe it wasn't good. I was kind of distracted with life problems today and I wasn't really concentrating very well. That's going to happen sometimes! Sometimes a busy business meeting will make your bowels go crazy and then the meeting will only take fifteen minutes and be a total breeze and get you more business and some good news and then your car will try to break the fuck down on you on the way home because it apparently doesn't like being driven in the daylight and the heat and without any oil because you've been meaning to put oil in the stupid thing for close to three weeks but you never remember because at the end of Tuesday night's shift, you just shut off your brain completely and never think about work stuff again until a few hours before Sunday's night shift and then you think, "Fuck me! I forgot the oil again!" and you just shrug and go to work anyway. Sometimes that kind of thing happens and then when it all works out and it's all over with, you just want to eat some Indian Food and nap in a chair in the breeze and the sun in the backyard. So then Earth 2 doesn't get read very well.

Earth 2 #11

Oh DC, you stupid fucking bastards. Dr. Fate should have been the new gay character!

When I opened up the Cover Flap to see the turn of the second half of the phrase, I became super excited to see Mister Miracle. And then I remembered this was the pretend Earth and I got super sad. This is why so many people hate the Reboot. They view the Preboot continuity as the "real" characters and have not been able to bring themselves to care about these imposters. Earth Two feels a lot like that to me. I know Scott Free will eventually appear on Earth Prime (probably in Talon in some kind of Escapapediology Contest!), so this first appearance of him on Earth Two just seems like a fantasy, a charade, a shadow puppet show put on by shadow puppets. Shut up! I know that's impossible! But that doesn't mean I can't think it. Don't put limits on my imagination, Mom! I mean, um, shut up.

Even if I think of this book's non-Justice Society characters as second class citizens whose real versions I look forward to on Earth Prime, I'm enjoying this book. There's a lot going on.

Am I the only person in the world that feels like a complete and abject failure when I begin a sentence with "There"? I feel like I'm not writing to my potential. Should I have said, "The comic book has a lot going on"? Or "This comic book weaves a rich tapestry from the individual stories of the various main characters, creating a vibrant world that takes the reader to its breast and shoves a warm, nourishing nipple against its searching and slavering tongue"? Or "When life has bared its fangs for the last time and finally ripped deep into your skull to feast on your brains and your bones and your raw, pure emotions, leaving you to lie in the dark many hours past waking as you staunchly refuse to acknowledge even your own existence because that would mean venturing out and exposing yourself to the fiery, hellish gaze of the other people walking in the glaring light of the fabricated society we all pretend we understand and fit into, this comic book acts as an abrasive to memory, cleaning out the thoughts that make you envy the last of the water that circles the drain and finally plummets into the dark abyss of the house's pipes, causing you to forget, at least for a few precious moments, the weight and the cruelty and the spastic futility of human sentience"?

Ugh. Thank you comic books and this blog and the readers for giving me a reason to keep my head above the spiraling depression that occasionally rears its stupid fucking head. At least I have something to occupy my mind before I find myself weeping on my knees in front of my bamboo curtain of Ganesha pleading with him to remove the things in my life that are causing this unknown pain and sorrow.

Yes, I did that once. The results to praying to an inanimate representation of a Hindu God? My Xbox red ringed the next day. Ha ha! Very funny, Universe! Fuck you! You know, if I were a more impressionable and less cynical person, I might be Hindu now!

Speaking of nonsense, Fate and Miracle star in this comic book I'm going to read now!

Oh, and let's not forget magic!

While Jay Garrick and the guy that will be Dr. Fate that isn't Nelson since Nelson is another guy now are trying to fetch Nabu's helmet, Wotan is outside the Tower of Doctor Fate telling stories to Jay Garrick's mom.

Wotan: "You know, I used to be a red-haired barbarian sorceress back in the day?"
Garrick's Mom: "So you're one of those transgendertrons?"
Wotan: "I can't tell if you're being insulting or fierce."
Garrick's Mom: "You're holding me hostage and you're worried about me being insulting? You want insults? I don't find it hard to believe that you've been a man and a woman because you're a total dick and a gigantic pussy."
Wotan: "Bravo! I see you fully embrace the vulgarities of the century!"
Garrick's Mom: "Fuck off, cunt puncher."

Jay Garrick's mom might become one of my favorite characters if James Robinson keeps writing her the way I imagine he's writing her!

Wotan explains to Jay's mom that many centuries ago he tried to cast an immortality spell and failed. But the spell that he did cast was an eternal memory spell so his ego and personality remained intact as he lived life after life. And he calls that spell a failure?! That's a much better spell than one that just keeps you in a single body that you have to rely on never getting chopped into tiny bits while it never dies! And you'd always fit in and you'd always know everything and you'd learn so much! Jason Blood has to keep doing lots of bureaucratic bullshit to create different identities so his immortality is never found out. Wotan can simply live every life with new family and friends and still retain her sense of self across generations! That spell was brilliant!

The only problem with Wotan's reincarnations is that she's always reborn with green skin thanks to a curse from Nabu so he can recognize her every time she comes back. That was a pretty cocky curse by Nabu, thinking he'll be alive to be attacked by her every incarnation across the centuries. Or else Nabu went on tour immediately after this and killed Green Babies everywhere he went.

Ha ha! Really cocky! Stupid fuck died almost immediately!

Meanwhile The Flash sends Khalid (that's his name!) to seek out the Helm of Nabu while The Flash tries to defeat the Great Beast. That shouldn't be too hard. I think I could do anything if I could think and act at nearly the speed of light. Everything else would be pretty much motionless, giving me time to do anything I wanted. The Great Beast should be easy to defeat! Unless magic could somehow screw that up. Stupid comic book rules. Why can't they be more like real life rules?!

The Real Flash! A Word Comic Starring The Flash in The Real World!
Jay Garrick was minding his own business when something so scientific that mankind has yet to be able to explain it gave Jay Garrick the power to run at super sonic speeds! Jay didn't understand it so he decided it must have been a gift from God. Then Jay thought, "I shall very much like to test out these super speed powers now!" And he took off really fast! His brain was instantly smashed against his skull from inertia or some other physics thing that makes sense, possibly acceleration. His organs liquified and his bones shattered and his lifeless corpse shot across the field from the momentum of his initial burst of speed, finally collapsing in some thick weeds.
The End!

The Flash finds the Great Beast and hesitates because he has self-esteem problems (according to his mom who is blabbing all of his secrets and insecurities to Wotan). This allows the Great Beast to get the jump on The Flash!

Perhaps the strange environment also caused The Flash to confusingly run right into the Great Beast's grasp.

Meanwhile Steppenwolf has discovered that Scott Free is in Gotham and he's decided to send Fury to retrieve him. He also mentions, a bit off-hand, that Scott Free is hiding in Gotham of "this Earth". Or does it simply mean that the residents of Apokolips and New Genesis here in Dimension #2 can easily move from Dimension to Dimension, so Steppenwolf needs to be clear about exactly where Scott Free has been found? Or does this mean Apokolips and New Genesis reside in a unique Dimension of its own set apart from the 52 Main Dimensions? Sort of like the Anti-Matter Universe from the Pre-Crisis DCU? If so, does that mean Cyborg's Boom Tube Technology can take the Justice League to any of these other Dimensions since it can take them to Apokolips or is the Apokolips trip simply built in to the tech for obvious reasons?

When Steppenwolf mentions Mister Miracle is in Gotham, he adds, "What's left of it." I guess Batman really is the only thing holding that place together.

Those are two of the most impressive monsters I've ever seen! Also, check out the giant ape fighting the lobster creature!

While Khalid is lost in a maze searching for the Helm of Nabu, he's having a conversation with Nabu about his real reasons for wanting to find a helmet that is simply going to supplant his consciousness and his memories with those of a long dead ancient Egyptian. It turns out Khalid's guardian was some guy named Kent Nelson and he died by mysterious circumstances. I bet he pissed off the Lords of Chaos! And then Khalid finally discovers the helmet.

Khalid accepts his role of future madman and dons the helmet to become Doctor Fate. He does it because he has come to admire Jay Garrick's ability to face fear and act when the world needs his help. And right now, Jay Garrick needs his help because super speed apparently isn't the best super power to use against The Great Beast. Maybe The Great Beast will recognize Doctor Fate as his master and become Doctor Fate's super pet. He can join up with Krypto and Batcow and Alfred the Cat and Titus and Beast Boy.

Doctor Fate saves Jay Garrick by using his other familiars that reside in the tower. I think that's what those glowing save points with the icons were. One becomes a panther type creature and the other a flaming bird. They put The Great Beast down and Doctor Fate and Jay Garrick head off to save Garrick's mom from Wotan next issue.

Meanwhile who the fuck knows what is going on with Green Lantern and Hawkgirl and Mister Terrific and Terry Sloane and The Sandmen and The Atom.

Earth 2 #11 Rating: No change. This comic had 95% less Mister Miracle than I expected it to have! It also had about 85% less Doctor Fate. And 100% less Green Lantern! It did have about 44% more Garrick's mom than I ever thought it would. Now if only one of The New 52 Comic Books would simply be about super hero mothers forming a support group and just hanging out talking and trading recipes and gabbing and also being strong women as well as those other stereotypes so that I don't sound totally sexist.

Earth 2 #10

I still hate Jay Garrick's outfit. But I do like Kendra's little blue vest that buttons on to her zip up jacket!

Issue Ten begins with the origin of Hawkgirl and Dr. Fate! No, wait. Premature exclamation. It begins two years ago with Kendra and Khalid being chased through an ancient Egyptian building. And then the next panel takes place fifty-nine minutes later after Kendra has had wings glued onto her back and Khalid is obsessing over his new helmet. Being that I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics (basically because they're like comic books (shut up, I know they're actually just phonemes. Stop ruining my lie!)), let me translate the walls Kendra and Khalid are running past in the first panel.

At the top of the pillar, we see Titty Twister the Rabbit God forcing the Egyptians into a really long queue and forcing them to do the Bunny Hop. This happens at the marriage of Du-Rahn-Te and Buht, The Goddess of Rifles Sticking Out of People's Heads. The next scene is distorted from gunfire but it looks like Du-Rahn-Te and Buht are consummating their marriage with a few slaves thrown in because having sex with multiple partners and crocodiles and cats was just an every day part of Ancient Egyptian Culture. After that, Osiris's detachable penis shoots up through the ground either four times or Osiris's penis was four-pronged. Next, Ka-We the God of Chickadees came into the room and pooped in a hat box. Then above Kendra's elbow in the yellow oval, we can see a pair of pliers next to a Yu-gi-oh deck. Beneath those is a member of the Ku Klux Klan with his pet Loch Ness Monster being reprimanded by a nun standing on an electrified floor. Beneath that and the orange line is the first sentence of a story about the New God Orion and the time he telephoned a duck. Finally on the far wall to the right of Khalid we see a bong and the red sun as it appears at 4:20. Beneath that is Bullet Bill flying over the duck with his telephone and then the pliers and Mjolnir. These might be in some reference to a hallucination caused by the smoking of the bong because beneath that are a couple of anti-drug posters. Before the anti-drug posters, though, is a short commercial with a grandfather and his grandson in a boat discussing prejudice. Then the first anti-drug poster is the "This is your brain on drugs" egg. The second anti-drug message after that is an Above the Influence poster. And that's about it.

Judging by the winged figures, I guess this is the Temple of Horus where Kendra met Horus and was granted his powers. Perhaps the great Egyptian wizard Nabu was Horus's cat and so was buried further in the temple with his favorite helmet.

Back in the present, Wotan gives a short lecture about magic and how the grand wizard Nabu used it to bring order from chaos. So that's a nice little throwback to Dr. Fate's connection to the Lords of Order and Chaos. Jay Garrick doesn't really care about all of this bullshit. He just wants Wotan to send his mom home but Wotan is a bit of a didactic prick and a control freak, so he refuses. This causes Flash to attack but apparently casting spells is quicker than The Flash. Although I suspect The Flash could have gotten the drop on him if he just ran at Wotan instead of slowing down enough to spout off about Wotan "going down!"

Wotan specializes in JRPG spells.

When Khalid first put on the Helmet of Nabu, he was possessed by Nabu's spirit. Part of Nabu's magic secreted itself inside Khalid whether he had the helmet on or not. So Khalid was constantly hearing Nabu's voice. Khalid panicked and wished the Helmet away. Now it's in this limbo in The Tower of Fate and only he and Jay Garrick have the physical make-up to enter the tower and retrieve the helmet. Jay's mom is simply incentive for them to do the task since Wotan has no qualms about killing her. I guess it's time for 1st Level Magic User Khalid and 5th Level Speedster Jay to set off for high adventure in Module E-2, The Tower of Fate!

I think the yellow spheres are checkpoints.

Meanwhile Alan Scott is hanging out in China visiting the grave of his dead boyfriend Sam. Sam's father has met him there and has some mostly selfish and ambiguous words to say to Alan.

Oh fuck you, you oh-so-magnanimous bigot! This kind of thing pisses me off. He could tell Alan made his son happy but he couldn't fucking approve of their relationship? It's not your fucking life! Just because you don't find men sexually attractive doesn't mean you get to judge your son for doing so. It wasn't your life, asshole. Are we supposed to stand up and cheer for your words to Alan Scott here? Are we supposed to hug you and say, "Well, that's all that matters then! That you saw that they were happy! Forget how much Sam's heart probably hurt like hell every time you sneered or dropped an off-hand negative remark!" Fuck bigots and their tiny concessions.

Mr. Zhao does happen to pass on a bit of information to Alan that might prove useful. He discovered Sam was the target of the bombing but he doesn't know who was behind it or why. That information sends Green Lantern on a complete rampage through China's ganglands. When he doesn't discover anything, he heads back to find Hawkgirl and ask her for her help. Do I smell some JSA cooking?

And back to The Tower of Fate, Khalid and The Flash pass through all the checkpoints unmolested and finally make it to the big Boss Battle.

I hope they brought their cheat codes.

Earth 2 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this issue is how the cover shows Hawkgirl with The Flash and Khalid because Jay's mom isn't cover material.

Earth 2 #7

Hawkgirl really wants Alan to join her Society of Justice.

I wonder if the people of Earth 2 are constantly teased because they live on Earth Poop! That's because a Number Two is a Bowel Movement. I probably didn't need to explain that to anybody. That's like one of the first things toddlers learn after yelling "NO!" and slapping people in the face.

Speaking of bowel movements, I have a story that relates to both pooping and comic books! Remember in Pulp Fiction how John Travolta's character kept missing major moments in the movie because he was off taking a crap? He even ends up dying because he was in the bathroom missing out on life. My cousin used to refuse to go to the bathroom until he was nearly pissing himself when we were kids because he didn't want to miss out on any of the fun by being in the bathroom. So when Pulp Fiction came out, all I could think about was my cousin. But we need to use the toilet so much, my guess is that everybody's life is changed at one moment or another simply because they were in the bathroom. My moment was that I missed getting a job at a comic book store when I was in college at San Jose State. I was, um, making a Number Two when the comic shop called me back for the job. They left a message on the phone but when I was finally able to get back to them, nobody answered. By the time I did reach them, the job was filled.

I have a feeling this moment was actually a good one to miss. I would have been making minimum wage at a store that was half sports collectibles anyway. Working there, I wouldn't have been available when my friend Mike set me up with a job at his office installation company and I never would have ended up managing a warehouse on the Netscape Campus and saving a shit ton of money so I could travel cross country in my VW Bus and travel around Asia. So fuck you, comic book store that simply had to call me while I was pooping! I'm glad I missed that opportunity!

After that introduction to Earth 2, I'm expecting this comic to be shitty.

The Heroes of Earth 2 are much smarter than those idiots over on Earth New 52. I don't know what Earth the main Earth is because DC has been putting out those Earth 1 comic books and those certainly don't take place on the Earth of the New 52!

I wonder if Etrigan poops? I don't think Superman or Supergirl need to poop unless they eat. So Superman probably poos all of the time because he's trying to live a normal human life as Clark Kent. I wonder if his poops are super dense? Can Earth plumbing even handle them? Maybe they can be used as fuel like Nibbler's poops on Futurama! What about The Flash? Can he poo really fast? I bet because his system is so sped up, when he needs to pee or poo, he probably only has seconds before getting to the bathroom! I wonder if Hawkgirl ever flies up really high and just drops one over the city?

Technically, you do "do team." You're the CEO of Global Broadcasting. The entire company is your "team." You couldn't do it without them. Jerk!

Alan Scott was so angry about Sam's death, he trashed his apartment before the comic book began. Hawkgirl noticed so when Alan won't join the team, she pisses him off even more and flies away. That must be why they fight! Because Kendra is being a total hawkbitch by shooting a crossbow bolt into a picture of Sam and Alan.

Meanwhile, the world's smartest man, Terry Sloan, has been made head of the World Science Directive. This has pissed off Amar Khan who is head of the World Army or something like that. Amar thinks Sloan is a psychopath and an asshole and an arrogant bastard, so he's keeping a whole lot of eyes on him. I don't know who Amar Khan is but he's probably someone from the Justice Society. Maybe he's a new Doctor Fate. Whoever he is, he's sent Wesley Dowd and his Sandmen to check out one of Terry Sloan's secret bases. Maybe they'll find Mister Terrific.

Even on Earth 2, you can't have Paris without the Eiffel Tower.

Oh look. They found Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific's balls have definitely seen better days.

Mister Terrific seems to be under mind control by Sloan. The Sandmen put him to sleep and taken him prisoner. Is Mister Terrific ever going to appear in an issue of Earth 2 where he doesn't get his ass kicked, get knocked unconscious, and then get taken prisoner? I think he's probably way down around the sixteenth smartest person now.

Some more bickering and arguing finishes out the issue. But more importantly, an unfinished female Red Tornado promises to be up and running soon. It was began by Amar Khan and his team but they've had trouble with it so Terry Sloan and his techs are going to fix her up. That means Red Tornado will probably be made to do horrible things for Sloan but it will retain whatever sense of right and justice Amar Khan instilled in it. You know? Just like the original Red Tornado created by T.O. Morrow!

Earth 2 #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Alan Scott and Kendra Munoz-Saunders never fight in the sky like the cover depicted. But that's a good thing! Who needs more heroes battling each other? I enjoyed the pacing of this issue. A lot of people trying to outmaneuver a lot of other people and a half-finished female robot and lots and lots of pooping.

Earth 2 #5

Holy fuck. Grundy is a God? Why wasn't he leading The Legion of Doom? I guess his trouble with the English language always held him back.

Last issue, The Atom had just squashed Solomon Grundy beneath his feet. From the looks of the cover, I'm guessing that squashing didn't quite take. The Atom was also in the middle of arresting Hawkgirl by manhandling her with his giant potato paws. And then the Zero Issue interrupted all of that with that stupid Mr. 8 jerk. What a dumb name, Mr. 8! I wonder if he confronts people and goes, "I oned it! You twoed it! I threed it! You foured it! I fived it! You sixed it! I sevened it! You ate it! MISTER EIGHT IT, THAT IS!"

This issue begins with the rescue of the president, a woman named Lightfoot. It's possible she's a hobbit. Or a halfling. Or a kender. She's rescued by a couple of guys in scuba suits with an emblem on their chests that looks a bit like the Canadian flag on a caffeine high. Although that's just a guess as it's only seen in one panel and it's mostly obscured in that one. Anyway, they manage to grab her and dematerialize before Grundy's rotting roots desiccate them.

The American flags in the Oval Office have a red stripe touching the bottom of the blue field of stars. So that's either one of the differences between Earth One and Earth Two or it's just a mistake. Or maybe it's not one of the differences at all since the last comic which took place on Earth One and had an American flag in it, it also had a red stripe touching the star field. But I forget which comic that was. Stupid artists better get on the Goddamned research wagon! I was also just rereading Chis Ware's Jimmy Corrigan and when he takes part in the human flag at the Chicago World's Fair, the kids have the colors wrong there as well. But that can be explained away in the story as an idiot organizer that didn't know any better and gave out the wrong costumes to the wrong lines of children.
Also, fuck that Jimmy Corrigan is a good book. But fuck is it depressing. Depressing as playing Call of Duty by yourself while getting fucking wasted depressing. Although that actually isn't very depressing! Especially if you talk in a high pitched voice and call yourself Madison. But don't do that since Madison is MY high-pitch voiced boy's name!

Oh yeah! I forgot about The Sandman. Oh! And Hourman too! I wonder if he'll be all cracked out on his pills?

The World Army stiffs consider nuking DC to end the threat since all vegetation on Earth is dying due to Grundy (they may be dropping the Solomon on his name which would be too bad. Don't worry, Grundy! I'll keep calling you Solomon!). But the guy in charge, KAHN!, wants to wait and see what the new wonders will do. "Wonder" is the fancy term on Earth 2 for "super hero." And by fancy I mean retarded. Unless that's offensive and then I mean gay.

While they're watching, they witness the ending of Earth 2 Issue Four. Time to celebrate now that The Atom has saved the day!

That's a hate crime, right? He called him "gentleman" and then punched him.

The Flash knocks The Atom down with some super fast face kicking footwork, freeing Kendra the Hawkgirl. The Atom's "Plan B" is to begin whining at them because he was just doing his job and how dare they not go peacefully now that the gray man is dead. And then the grey man decides he isn't dead at all and gigantic roots begin grabbing at The Atom looking for sexy orifices.

Grundy takes down The Atom and covers him in vines. By draining The Atom's nuclear energy, Grundy has now accelerated the decay of the Earth and the World Council begins to panic. They send in the Smartest Man on Earth Two to save the day! Um, that would be Mr. 8. Whenever I type Mr. 8, it just looks like I'm forgetting to finish an emoticon. Here's my Alice Cooper Emoticon:

=8=[

Green Lantern comes back to smash Grundy into powder. But he knows Grundy will just reform again. So he suddenly pulls a plan out of his ass. Maybe his ring told him what to do. Or maybe Earth itself explained it to him. I mean, Earth 2. What he decides to do is meditate and then travel along his silver cord deep into the Green. So deep that he'll end up in the Grey. Or the Gray. Whatever. But to do this, he'll have to leave his body at Grundy's mercy. That's where the rest of the Justice Society comes in! They need to protect Alan Scott while he gets his New Age on.

Once inside the Grey, Alan Scott finds he can communicate with it. He asks it how to stop its avatar. What a chump! "Hey, Grey? You know how you're destroying the world? How do I stop that?" Luckily the Gray isn't completely stupid like you might expect after hearing its Avatar try to hold an intelligible conversation. It tells Alan Scott, "You're going to fail and there's no hope and, you know, how about joining us since you're going to lose anyway? Maybe this will convince you:"

It would be more convincing if he were naked. And not covered in cobwebs and fungus.

While The Last Temptation of Alan Scott goes on in The Grey, Terry Sloan has launched a nuclear strike on DC. And Hawkgirl, Flash, and The Atom continue to fight Grundy to a stalemate. Everybody is waiting on Green Lantern to return and save the day. But he's kind of busy right now.

Hee hee. I bet "Endgame" is a euphemism for gay sex. I think this comic is a fundamentalist morality play: The Earth will die if Green Lantern (as Jesus) has gay sex!

Earth 2 #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Look at how generous I'm being with the rankings in October! My brain chemicals must be all fucked up from all of the potential Halloween Candy I'm thinking about eating. Is that how that works? I think so! I'm so excited to eat bags and bags and bags of chocolate and sour things!

Earth 2 #4

I'm digging Hawkgirl's new look. Yeah, I fucking said digging!

Earth 2 Issue Four begins like this:

Starman?

My knowledge of the Justice Society is mediocre at best. I can't think of any member that this could possibly represent (except my feeble Starman guess). So far we've seen The Flash, Green Lantern, and Hawkgirl as heroes. Wildcat was shown on a billboard for a boxing event. Mister Terrific has been captured by the smartest man on Earth Two. So who's left? Hawkman. Hourman. The Atom. Doctor Midnite. Starman? Green Arrow? Was there a Justice Society Green Arrow? I must be forgetting a female or two, right? Hawkgirl and Wonder Woman could not have been the only women. Was Fury a member or am I thinking Infinity, Inc. at this point? I suppose I could look up a roster but why spoil the surprises at this point, right?

Of course with the tanks (and winged creatures?! Hawkpeople? Maybe the Hawkpeople are the security forces of Earth Two!) exploding around this mushroom cloud face, I suppose it could be a super villain! But the only villain I can think of is Ultra-humanite. And that, again, might be Infinity, Inc. I guess I'll read on then since I'm out of speculation.

The corpses being walked upon by the armored men after the giant face explosion makes it look like the winged people were possibly Parademons. Perhaps there are still pockets of Apokolips resistance here on Earth. Or maybe this is a flashback although I sincerely doubt that since the narration boxes usually make that clear. The armored crew happen to find a little bit more than the dead parademons.

This apparently did happen five years ago. And his name is Captain Pratt. Still no clue.

Well, duh me in the brainpan. It's The Atom. I don't exactly remember the Justice Society's Atom's powers. He can probably change size which is how the giant hand-print he was found in was caused. Perhaps he got his powers from the atomic blast to wipe out the parademons. And he grew big immediately, smashed the ground while thrashing around from the radioactive change, and then collapsed to his normal form and lost consciousness all in the space of a few seconds.

Meanwhile, Grundy can't help being an asshole. It's where The Atom is currently headed. So I'll probably get an example of his powers in a few pages.

Solomon Grundy! Falls apart on Monday! Heart attack on Tuesday! Stays in bed on Wednesday! Watch the walls on Thursday! In love on Friday! Waits on Saturday. Comes too late on Sunday! That was the end of Solomon Grundy!

The Rot caused by Solomon Grundy is worldwide. He's one powerful Rot Avatar. Speaking of Rot Avatars, I have Animal Man and Swamp Thing up next for the Prelude to Rot World! It sounds like the worst amusement park every invented. Anyway, the worldwide rot reaches The Flash and Hawkgirl and they decide to investigate.

I appreciate how careful Hawkgirl is about just hopping on the back and having him take off. I mean, she does do that! But she's cautious about it as he starts until she realizes his energy field (or whatever) protects her as well.

With The Atom ten minutes out (although I suspect arriving any minute) and Alan Scott flying across the Pacific toward DC, Hawkgirl and Jay arrive in DC first. I think they would have arrived in DC first even if the other guys were just around the block.

Thanks for the pep talk, Flash!

Hawkgirl manages to put up a pretty good fight even though every wound she makes on Grundy regenerates almost immediately. She stays out of his reach by flying about but he has control over the dead branches and ivy which eventually grab hold of her and pull her in. He's choking the life out of her when Green Lantern appears.

Conveniently in all of the wreckage, a nice big HDTV broadcasts some news turned up nice and loud for Jay to hear as he runs about saving people.

Where would comic book writers be without the ever present newscast blaring forth?

While Flash is rescuing civilians, Hawkgirl is weeding the area, and Green Lantern is going mano a mano (although I wish they were going mono a mono) with Grundy, The Atom arrives by plane.

Does this really seem like a good idea?

Oh! I guess it was a good idea!

The above panel is the way to do a splash page. I'm sick of seeing splash pages that aren't any more effective for being large (I'm looking at Tony Daniel!). But this works well to show the Atom's increase in size and to display his sudden landing in the midst of the fight.

It seems Hawkgirl has escaped from some government controlled program because she immediately recognizes The Atom as "Al" and claims she'll never go back alive. The Atom calls her Kendra and, hating to disappoint her, grabs her instead of killing her. While still standing on Grundy's exploded mess (which I'm guessing should reform rather quickly, right?), The Atom tells the others to stand down "by the authority of the World Army Council." My guess is they won't stand down at all!

Earth 2 #4 Rating: +3 Ranking. Okay, maybe this one issue was only good enough to get a +1, very possibly a +2. But I began this comic ranked much lower than it should have been simply because there was an empty spot in my charts from one of the cancelled books. So for the time being, I'll give it a slight boost to what I think it should actually have based on each month's comic. This is a fun comic book.