Futures End: Green Arrow #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! High und mighty! Old Goggs shoulda peezed off dem Clorox Cola Companies mucho minutes ago, ja? Dem cheaperskates! Yer know how much koku she pocketem from her sparkly fresh sponsor? Well, never youse mindem, sees it? Dems financies personal! But Old Goggs knows someun mit da initials G.M.D.H. gonna git a bigup aural boost! Gonna force even more dem lower voices ta lissen at her! Youse lower voices sure do lovem dat Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies), ya disgusteverted menaces! Aw, youse knows Goggs lusts ya, yeah?

Anydust, Old Goggs gots a free crate a dem Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) via delivery drone, feels? Nah, nah. Dey didna deliver ta Goggs' secret skydyhole, ya Mopes. She made specialized 'rangements ta pickem it up via covert carriers und black ops mogocycles, gang signals und skylanterns, coded massages und subtle body languages. Ya ain't gots ta worry none bout any badbads what might still be carryin' grudgers from past historicals--mostly a the Saint Lois kinds, see?--findin' Goggs less she wanna be found. Member dat, hitpeeps. Ifn ya find yasself lookin' at Goggs down da sights a yer puny bonger gun, know dat Goggs wantered it dat way and ya betterest has yer wills filled up and Herbied, feels?

Anydust, hows bouts Old Goggs crack upopen one a dese here bottles awhile she reads dis here Green Arrow funfun littyraptures, ja? Ya all ya all mightswell pour yerselfs a drink and settle in, sees it? Bedtime telltales fer yer easy trip frough dreamslands, kay?

[loud sipping noises across several seconds followed by squishy chewing sounds]

Fuckity cults, ja? Firs round trip affer da General Breakdown, seemed like ya couldna piss yerself mitout soakin' some Mope clarin' loyal-ties ta sum blabber mouthed, knows-it-all what spoutin' da reasons fer everduster's troubles. Nonna dem ever could spoutem da answers to dem troubles! Und dats why all dem fuckity cults corpsed it. Well, dat and de fact dat mos' of em corpsed demselves in mass ritualisic suicides.

Old Goggs ever tell ya bout dat time she joinup a cult on her way eastward affer dat Saint Lois affair blowed all up in ours faces? Sees, Goggs was near to starfin', bloodsters all ups and downs her poor foots, clothes what looked like dem beads curtains mit Ganeesh painted all over em, sees? Right fuckity mess, she was. More corpse den womans. Not da first time she finked da Dusty Stretches had finally beat her right down ta feelin' she'd climb up inna grave if'n one jess happen ta come 'long. I uz jess beginnin' ta mindthinks, "What if'n I jess eat my nogood hand? Dat gotsta be some nutritionals, ja? Und da onny fuckity ting it be good fer anydust is changin' up da masterbatin routine." Dat when Old Goggs heared sumfink she'd never tink she gonna hear 'gain: fuckity rumble bumble of a VW bus. Couldna say a word. Couldna move. Dat fink jess comin up behinds me, swayin' and weavin' and rockin' in da dusty winds like it sum fuckity drunk what got physics gainst its very standin' and yet der it was, comin' and comin' and almos' fallen over but still comin'! Joyous voices pourin outta ever brokeded window on dat stinker. Dirty faces smilin' outta dem windows. Long, greasy hair flippin' and flappin'. Da big open space on da side where da door used ta have been. Dat fing was painted ever color ya ever dreamed of and probably some ain't been seen since Formertimes and never gonna be seen again. Like I says, Goggs--dat still be me--jess standin' dere watchin' dis ting approach. And Goggs still be corpsed in dat same place, drop dead a malnutritionals sure as The Goddess give away fancy prizes, ifn' dem peeps in dat bus hadn't screamed und yelled and smiled big as ya can please and dey all leaned outta dat fuckity deathtrap with their tattooed arms and tattered jean jackets, clawin' and graspin' and pullin' old Goggs aboard as it barely slowed a mile.

[loud sipping noises across thirty or so seconds]

'Pologies. Dat memory always makem da tear ducts wide. Goggs never asked for nuttin', she didna beg dem, she didna even make a motion. But sure as birds shit up a statue, dey took her boarda dat rollin' machine and made her welcome as ya please. Dey gived me hydrates and chocos and some stale fuckity bread dat tasted like grandmama's meat sauce on fresh made pasta. Dey stripped me duck naked and used somma yellow water, mayhap it been dere piss, whatevem, ta wash me clean as can be. Put me in a light cotton dress, washed up me swimmin' goggles I uz wearin' ta protect gainst da wind and da dust, and handered me a fuckity sprig a burnin' somefing ta suck inta my lungs and slip away inta dreamsland. When I woked, we was all still rockin' and swayin' and da cutes' little fing mit da mos' handsomest face Goggs ever did see under five layers of dirt, grit, and grime, says...he says, "Goggles, you just about kissed your motherfuckin' ass goodbye on the road back there. Welcome to Buzztown."

Anydust, mayhap da rest a dat story be for anudder time, ja? Back atya Green Arrows, feels?

[several loud gulping sounds followed by the sound of another bottle being opened]

Shockiest of shockers! Oliver Queen and Lois Lane jump startin' the jalopy a life!

Green Arrows stumbled 'pon some secret what puttin' everduster's life in danger. Sos he's gotsta skeez it. He fuckin' found out some secret and now he und his mates are in all kinds of corpsifyin' danger. Dis story...where did dey...I mean, it's jess like old Sain.... Oy fuck. What am I doing? What the fuck am I fucking doing? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm so fucking sorry, Cummerbund. Little Tokyo. Skates. So fucking fucking sorry. But we...I mean, we just couldn't figure out...there was nothing else to do. You know. You all know. You knew. Your faces...fucking Christ...yer faces. You all knew. Alice B Toklas, I miss you so fucking much, babe. There just wasn't any other fucking choice.

[loud, uncontrollable sobbing interspersed by gulping sounds and another bottle being opened. Footsteps descending in volume. Several minutes pass before sounds of someone approaching the microphone. A chair scooting on floor.]

Fuckity Techknow Ratfinks go und put in dis here delay switch fer jess dis kind of fuckity 'casion and Old Goggs fergets ta hit da switch. Fuckity Rat Wine. It ain't no good, I tells ya. Jess ain't no good. But no worries! Dusty Stretches beats on and we gits do over affer do over, feels it? How bouts back ta dis littyrapture und Old Goggs ain't gonna let it git her down nos mores, eh?

Oliver Queen doin' what needs be doned. He gonna git dem Outsiders on his side. He gonna save de fuckity world. Cause he gots meanin' in his life, sees? He gots dem 'sponsibilities. He's got dem tough choices. All ya alls down dere in da lower voices, ya fuckity luckouts, feels me? Jess tryin' keep yoself uncorpsed, dat's a fuckity luxury, git it? A fuckity luxury.

Dat's a bueno fuckity lookin' gang, eh?

Somehows, Oliver figgered out 'bout Cadmus and dat island mit alla dem Twofer Earf heroes. He needem dem Outsiders if'n he gonna safe 'em up and fixit up dis New Earf, gets it? He gonna need him own secret orgnazation ta take down da King Faraday's secret orgnazation. Deys probly bunches and bunches more secret orgnazations as well acause dat's almays da way, sees? Jess like our neberendin' gangs and cults und religy zects. Everduster fightin' y bitin' and clawin' y brawlin' fer da peace of all pie.

Green Arrow gots dat idea right, tells it. He knowem how ta change da fuckity world. First step: ya gotsta git da proper peeps up in da same headspace. Second step: ya gots ta tell everduster da right story. Gits em ta believe da lie, sees it? Dat part fuckity easy. Prof showed me how way backs. Third step: collectem all da techknowhow and all da knowledge and work it for ya. Take it from dem whats fink power and force alone be da way ta change up da world. Sneaks it. Prepares it. Keeps it all hidden way. Fourt step: Risk yer fuckity corpse fer all dem fucking marbles. Hit dem dat want powers hard. Kick dem dats wants control in dem vulneryble sacks. Spits, scratches, claws, screams. Make da drama; make da scene. Fift step: None a da 'bove was da real steps. What da Prof called, lessee..."legerdemain." Ya gonna lose lots a gute soldiers but ya cain't fight da real fight on The Real fields, sees it? Mirrors. Dems be more powerful den rockets, sees? Cause dem rockets ain't killin' nuffin' but shadows. Nuffin' but gute hearted, trusing, loyal-tied shadows. But it cain't be helped, sees it? It jess cain't. Winning be all dat matters when da dust settlem.

Ha ha. Ah ha ha ha! I sees ya gots my message. Gute one, mang. Gute one.

Fuckity. No more Rat Wine (mit jellied pinkies) fer Old Goggs. Fuck if mebee she didna say too much tonight. Hells. Whats matter anyway, long runs? Goddess keep ya sober, what. Und watchem out fer da Illumimasons! Ha ha! Boozers!

Green Arrow #34

Oh, just fucking break already.

I think I'm too rambling and verbose for the internet age. I should probably be producing zines instead of creating this whole, vague web-presence thing. But I have to maintain it for when I eventually have a product to sell! Maybe my first product will be a role playing game where you play a critic and you have to severely critique famous rock acts, or celebrity chefs, or tough guy mystery novelists! Then once your critique comes out, you have to try to stay alive as they send thugs and Green Arrows to shut you down. You'll need a thick skin because you'll constantly be told by the people you critique that you should stop tearing other people down (no matter how much they're stinking up the world with their "art"). Or if you say they can't draw, they'll say, "Let's see you draw better!" As if I'm going around claiming to be an artist! I'm a critic! And guess what? We critics don't have the luxury of saying, "Oh yeah? You think I suck at criticizing? Well let's see you criticize!" Because generally they just got done criticizing us. Jerkos!

Now I'm in a sour mood! How dare people think that the job I do is mean and useless and without merit? Fuck them right in their Goddamned faces! I bring joy to the faces of every person that ever had $3.99 stolen from them by DC Comics and their horrible editorial interference! When somebody comes home excited to read Catwoman and then gets diarrhea sprayed right into their open and aghast mouths, they can go online to read my scathing opinion of how badly Ann Nocenti needs to rethink her end of life career choice. Then they smile and laugh and repress the shit guzzling incident they just experienced because I just saved their life! I save people's sanity and what good is life without your sanity? Hardly worth anything at all practically! I'm a fucking hero!

It's a good thing I'm a hero so at least one hero is represented in this review. Green Arrow certainly doesn't cut it!

The biggest cliffhanger last issue was Diggle plummeting to his death while strapped to an office chair. That's resolved on the first page as Green Arrow fires his Fluffy Stuff to Land On Arrow. It's a good thing he keeps his arrows organized in his quiver or else he might have fired his Explode the Shit Out of Everything Arrow.

Yeah, that one!

I don't know what Green Arrow is exploding the shit out of in the last panel (everything?). The side of a building? Maybe he believes the building just tried to kill Diggle. You'd think Ollie would be a bit more responsible about what he's exploding the shit out of. Just because Dick Dragon just tossed Diggle out of that building it doesn't mean everybody within it is in cahoots with Dick Dragon, Guy That Once Took A Few Kung Fu Classes.

The other cliffhanger had to do with Henry being called "Fyff" by his true love, Naomi, after he'd been shot in the stomach. That bit is resolved on the second page of this comic where we find out that Naomi has now also yelled out, "Henry!" Does her quick thinking correction mean she loves him a little bit? No, I bet it means she's pretty sure he's about to die so she's throwing him a bone. Now she'd better hope the wound is mortal or she's going to have to go on at least one uncomfortable date.

Emiko flies from the shadows to put down Clock King. He's the guy that fired the gun into Fyff's stomach. Luckily Fyff has some extra fat around his gut that might act as body armor. But I don't think Clock King has enough fat on his face to protect him from Emiko's tiny fists of fury.

Have you learned nothing from your recent beatdown, Killer Moth? Poison Moth Farts of Death first, gloat second!

Back at the ever nearing confrontation between Green Arrow and Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Hobbyist, Diggle shoots two guys in the head. He'd better not pull that kind of shit around Emiko! She'll call him a coward and then threaten his life. Ollie doesn't mind though. I know he's mostly a non-killing kind of hero but I think he makes the occasional exception. Especially when somebody else does it for him and he doesn't have to take responsibility.

They take the elevator up to Dick Dragon's apartment because it opens directly on the room where Dick Dragon threw Diggle out of the window. Maybe it's a private elevator for the penthouse? Or was Dick Dragon just conducting business in the lobby of the 32nd floor?

But that's the main event and it will have to wait until Killer Moth is taken care of. Yet again, he forgets to pull the trigger on his canister backpack gun. He engages in a conversation with Emiko until he's shot in the back of the head by Red Dart's wrist dart contraption.

See? That's the proper order of attack! 1. Shoot. 2. Gloat.

Count Vertigo gets a bit of a cameo as he keeps the police from ruining the showdown. But he'll probably slink away in disgrace once he realizes Dick Dragon has been defeated. Unless he gets caught again because he's needed in the Suicide Squad. Although he was supposed to be in Belle Reve once already and never made it! Maybe Forever Evil set him free.

According to Dick Dragon, the battle between him and Green Arrow is over before it begins. Great! That saves a lot of reading time. But I should probably scan the battle pages just to make sure. Dick Dragon is no Midnighter! He may be able to do a few carnival tricks like guessing the weight of his opponent and recognizing clothing brands, but I doubt he's played this battle out in his head hundreds of different ways already. Dick Dragon is too cocky. He's played it out in his head exactly one way. Which means he won't see all the surprise fight moves Green Arrow's going to throw his way.

Maybe. Maybe Ollie will just be killed here! The title of the story is "Broken"! Is it time for Green Arrow to get his back snapped?

Use the Boxing Glove Arrow! It's like the Crane Kick! It can't be defended against! Unless this is the sequel! Is this the sequel? What happened between the first Karate Kid and the second Karate Kid that made the Crane Kick suddenly a weak ass move? I bet everybody studied the tape of LaRusso's championship win.

Dick Dragon may have beaten both Green Arrow and Diggle in about ten seconds flat. But that doesn't mean they've lost! Because even though they both have multiple broken bones and serious lacerations, they have something else that will let them win in the end: each other!

Gay!

I mean, Yay! Green Arrow has learned the lesson that Jeff Lemire has been hinting at for the last few issues! Green Arrow must depend on a strong team because otherwise he only has arrows and arrows are kind of stupid.

Wait. That's the extent of the teamwork? Diggle tosses him an arrow and says, "Catch"?

After Green Arrow delivers his "I'm not broken; you're broken!" line, is the audience supposed to stand up and cheer? Way to go, Ollie! What resourcefulness! What teamwork! What stick-to-itiveness! But not "what a hero!" Fuck that. I'm the hero, Ollie. I am! Me!

Ollie and Diggle leave Dick Dragon to bleed to death and head down to look for Count Vertigo. But he's gone just like I said he'd be! He's such a predictable coward. And forget what I said about Ollie's stick-to-itiveness. He hasn't got any because he just bails on hunting down Vertigo. "Enh, fuck it. I'm tired. Let's go home!"

Green Arrow #34 Rating: +3 Ranking. And that's that! No more Outsiders! No more gallivanting through space fighting aliens! No more mysterious islands and blind magic men and that guy that led the Axe Clan that was The Butcher from the nineties who I don't even remember. Now it's all hipsters and coffee and indie rock bands and elephant car washes and fancy cupcakes and Go Games and monorails and Capitol Hills and Unicorn Narwals and Wednesday Night half-priced cover at the Rebar because Green Arrow is staying in Seattle! His new team is made up of Emiko, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff. I can't believe this comic book has found its way back from the precipice after what Nocenti and Krul and Giffen and Winnick did to it! Some of those names more than others, of course. But they all had a hand in making this one of the shittiest comic books to survive every round of cancellations so far. And its future looks pretty good!

Green Arrow #33

I'm having trouble figuring out what the white image is. A profile of Cookie Monster eating a cookie?

Today, my cat Judas sharfed all over himself. That's where you shit and barf at the same time. I'm surprised I was able to clean him up without sharfing myself as well.

The less said about the sharfing incident the better. Let's just read Green Arrow!

Four years ago, Ollie's mother died so he was having a rough time with things for some reason. I think it's because he suddenly had to run the corporation or something. Maybe she still bought his clothes so he was worried about dressing himself. It couldn't be because he loved her because, as a super hero, if he loved her, he'd want to stop cancer from ever happening to anyone ever again! He wouldn't be getting drunk by the pool refusing to do anything but mope. Unless his mother's last words were, "With great power comes great responsibility. Lucky for you, you have no power." Then Ollie stamped his foot and went running from the room crying, and he didn't stop until he found a bottle of whisky and a swimming pool. Didn't stop running, that is. He kept right on crying.

Diggle decided he would have to be Green Arrow for a bit. Does that mean that four years ago is when Diggle humiliated Dick Dragon's father? Dick seemed so young at the time! Is he only seventeen now? I guess that's why he only earned the title "Kung Fu Fighter" as opposed to "Master of Kung Fu" which is the title I really wanted to give him. Must be a Marvel character that's the Master of Kung Fu.

Back in the present, Killer Moth provides evidence that he's earned the title "D-Lister."

Oh no! Two people who can shoot arrows! It's the end of the world!

As Ollie and Emiko flee the scene, Ollie reminds everybody he can find in the past four years that nobody wears the hood except for himself. When did the hood become the iconic bit of Green Arrow? Shouldn't it be the arrow? Or the bow, at least! Maybe even just the color green. I'd argue that the goatee which he doesn't have anymore is more iconic than the hood! It's not like he's Robin Hood! He's not even a fox!

Brick attacks Ollie once more. Brick must be pissed. Red Dart had Ollie dead to rights and then she toyed with him and waited for Brick and Killer Moth to come along. So instead of Green Arrow unconscious and in a sack and ready to be turned in for thirty million dollars, now Brick has about thirty thousand dollars worth of dental bills and facial reconstruction surgery ahead of him.

I think begging like this makes you worse than a D-Lister. Reap what you sow, bitch.

Ollie also takes down Killer Moth while Naomi and Henry arrive to knock out Red Dart. I don't know where they came from. They probably have a tracer on Green Arrow and it was probably mentioned last issue and I went and forgot all about it. Anyway, they help save the day. But now they have to babysit Emiko as Green Arrow takes down Dick Dragon all by himself. Because that's always the best idea. Fuck working together as a team! It's better to go alone!

Actually, I meant that! Green Arrow doesn't want to have to protect these other people. They'll just get him killed! I like to play Safeguard on Call of Duty by myself. That's where you fight never ending waves of bad guys. With the right team of four (and the right map), you can last for as long as you have time to play. But I have one friend that plays with us that counts as negative two people. You constantly have to save his ass as he runs out and takes all the perks and guns and level ups. Then you lose your shit trying to save his ass and then the whole fucking thing collapses and everybody winds up dead in a heap. So I'm with Ollie on this! Alone is better!

Except the flashback seems to be making the opposite argument! I guess alone is only better if you align yourself with incompetent spazzes! Pushing people like Diggle and Roy away just makes fighting crime harder because then you wind up with teammates like Henry and Naomi.

See? They just get in the way! Useless distractions! Also, if I were just shot in the stomach, I'd hope the woman I loved wouldn't scream out my last name.

Green Arrow #33 Rating: No change. In this issue, we learned that only one person wears the hood and that person works alone. I think Ollie is supposed to be learning that he can't work alone and he can't protect everybody. Unless we learned that since he can't protect everybody, he really needs to just work alone. I think we didn't actually learn either of those specifically. I think we're, along with Ollie, supposed to think long and hard on where to go from here and what compromises need to be made. Does he allow Emiko to train with him? Does he rehire Diggle (if Diggle survives the fall)? Does he allow Naomi to work closely with him again? Does he pay for Fyff's burial? Those are the questions we're left with! And in the immortal words of one (or two (unless it was all of them)) Comicsverse reviewer, "It's all very, very interesting and I'm quite interested in seeing what happens next." Maybe that wasn't a direct quote but close enough to every video review I wasted my time watching!

Green Arrow #32

Who is Ken and why is he Green Arrow's bro?

What is it about Green Arrow that appeals to uninteresting people that bore me with their reasons for why Green Arrow appeals to them? Oh shut up already! I'm already bored with the subject and nobody has even begun to tell me what makes Green Arrow their favorite character. My favorite part about Green Arrow (and I'm not going to say his Boxing Glove Arrow even though, really, that's the best thing about him) is how he was one half of the earliest political talking heads show in the entertainment industry. I was only interested in Green Arrow when he was telling Hawkman how much of a fascist bully boy he was.

Speaking of the term "fascist bully boy," I'm fairly certain I stole it from Rik Mayall who died yesterday. I'm an emotionless twat that is only ever touched by amazing science, animals, and spectacularly well written fiction like The Grapes of Wrath and Matt Damon's poetry, so it might be surprising that I was really fucking sad yesterday. I don't give a shit about celebrities for the most part but Rik's character Rik on "The Young Ones" was one of my favorite people in the short list of people that are my favorites. He and Ade Edmondson's Vyvyan were oft-quoted throughout my ninth grade year. That was one of the many years in which my love life did not take off for some reason. I think it's because I'd approach somebody I had a crush on and mutter, "This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence." "The Young Ones" were the punk rock version of Monty Python's Flying Circus and I still pull out my DVD collection from time to time and sit through all the episodes. I know what I'm truly mourning is my lost youth (and my friend Philip Newby who introduced me to the show) but I'm glad Rik was a part of those years.

Now that I'm thinking about The Young Ones, I have a feeling I'm going to be bitterly disappointed in Green Arrow this month. Even if it is written by the legend in his own eyes, Jeff Lemire.

Currently in Green Arrow's universe, Seattle has been under siege for two weeks by unrepentant criminals and obnoxious post-grunge music fanatics.

The city is falling apart and the greatest mystery is where is the guy that runs around shooting arrows? Call me skeptical.

It looks like Seattle has the most incompetent police force in the entire DC Universe if it needs an archer to save it from descending into violence and lawlessness. Even Ollie is surprised at how angry Naomi is that he abandoned the city to go run some errands. Are you kidding, Naomi? Seattle couldn't behave itself for a few weeks without Green Arrow maintaining order with his Boxing Glove Arrow? What an embarrassment.

Before Green Arrow can sarcastically apologize for leaving because he thought a city might be able to run itself while he was away for a bit, Red Dart blows her way into the safe house. Dick Dragon has put a thirty million dollar bounty on Green Arrow's head. Really? Thirty million? You don't think that's a bit excessive, Dick? Even comparing it with Robin's bounty set at 500 million over in Batman Incorporated way back when, I think 30 million is too much. And didn't somebody put a bounty on Batman's head during The New 52 that was even less than this? That might make sense though since most of the people that want to kill Batman are batshit insane and don't really need a monetary incentive.

Before I shit myself from the exciting battle between an archer and a dart thrower, the scene shifts to Dick Dragon and Cunt Vertigo arguing over what to do with Diggle Berry.

Umm, Diggle? That's two things.

Money and power aren't the reasons Dick Dragon is after Green Arrow at all. This is really all about dealing with Dick's Father Issues which should come as no surprise to anybody that has read my comprehensive psychological analysis of DC's New 52. Apparently Ollie and Diggle humiliated Dick's father in front of little Dick many years ago and Dick Dragon has never gotten over it. He had built up his father as the greatest, strongest man that had ever lived and then a liberal douche with a bow and arrow came by and spanked him hard. But now that Dick Dragon is all grown up, it's time for him to do the spanking!

Show me an ambitious man and I'll show you a person that desperately craved their father's love and attention and never got it. Men who never got love and attention from their mother and never got it don't wind up ambitious. They wind up in rehab for sex addiction. For women, just flip the scenarios. And that's as long as any psych textbook ever needs to be!

People's motivations don't invariably have to revolve around their relationship with their parents. The main psychological problems people have come from the schism between the way they believe the world should be and how the world actually is. Trying to bend the world to your will and your believed perceptions is how people cope with reality instead of simply dealing with the reality presented before them. And since our formative years are spent dealing with our parents and being disappointed by them more and more every year as we become more and more individualistic, it's usually the relationship with our parents that causes most of our adult problems. The other main problem that affects our emotional stability as adults is that time when you had that kitten and it died really young and you spent three days straight crying your fucking eyes out and vowed never to love anything ever again. We've all had that problem, right? That one was the worst.

Back to the fight with Dart, Oliver is getting his ass handed to him. He's shocked and exploded and blinded which makes it the perfect moment for Red Dart to retreat. Wait, what? For thirty million dollars, I don't think I'd play fast and loose with Green Arrow, no matter how stupid his super hero gimmick is. For God's sake, Red Dart, your gimmick is even dumber! You've stunned him and blinded him, it's time to go in for the kill! Double damage! Critical hit! He can't fucking defend himself! But no! Red Dart decides to flee the scene so that her partners Brick and Killer Moth can get a shot at him. And even though Green Arrow is getting the shit kicked out of him, he still feels it's an appropriate time to point out how these three are "D-listers." You know what you probably shouldn't do, Green Arrow, when you're getting beat by somebody? Mention how much they suck. Because you now suck worse than they suck since they defeated you. Idiot.

The Injustice League?

Back to Dick and Diggle for a moment! You'd think because Diggle is the one tied to the chair and being punched in the face, he's be the one spilling beans all over the place. But instead, Dick Dragon tells Diggle his entire history because he's the Evil Mr. Smartypants and he doesn't know any other way. He has to brag about how he watched his father humiliated by a guy with a bow and arrow after which he vowed never to be soft again! So he traveled the world until he found the League of Assassins where he trained until he earned the title Master of Kung Fu! Or, at the very least (and more accurate), Kung Fu Fighter!

After forcing all of that information from Dick Dragon, Diggle tries one last desperate tactic to save Green Arrow's life!

I suppose since Andrea Sorrentino and Marcelo Maiolo are doing the art and colors for the flashback, it was hard for little Dick Dragon to tell that Green Arrow was a black man back then.

And then back on the rooftops of Seattle, Green Arrow's life is saved by Emiko who has come to visit much sooner than I expected. I thought she'd remain with Shado for at least four or five months. I suppose Shado wasn't doing enough killing for Emiko's tastes. When Emiko appears, Green Arrow shouts out her name and then she refers to him as "big brother." Luckily for Oliver Queen, his family history is a mess of a very high temperature and it'll take more than three D-Listers to figure out his secret identity from these clues. Shit, if it took the reveal of Nightwing's secret identity for Lex Luthor to figure out that Batman was Bruce Wayne, this Emiko and big brother shit are like clues from an Umberto Eco novel.

Green Arrow #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. Oh shut up! Don't judge me for enjoying a Green Arrow story just because I can't fucking stand Green Arrow! I don't live by the seat of my bias! Well, sometimes I don't! And other times, the comic book is written by Scott Lobdell.

Green Arrow #31

Worst attributes for an Arrow Clan ever.

I guessed all the attributes for the Arrow Clan incorrectly last commentary. But it's not my fault because I was thinking of attributes that a person would actually use to describe an incredible archer! These attributes are shit. Although I did guess "enlightenment" as one of the Mask Clan attributes, so that's 1/2 Useless Point there. My updated guesses for the Mask Clan attributes on next month's cover are Obfuscation, Secrecy, and Autofellatio. Maybe Sight will be one of them because Magus is blind! That's profound or something, right?

This comic book needs more Aquaman! Especially since it was hinted way back in Justice League that Ollie and Arthur do not get along so well. Where's my Green Arrow and Aquaman stuck together in a tiny submarine story?

Last issue ended with Ollie yelling, "I hate you, Dad! You're stupid!" And then his dad was shot in the heart. This sentence is me resisting finishing the song lyric. This issue begins with Ollie yelling, "I love you, Daddy! I didn't mean it at all! Don't die!" But daddy dies. Ha ha! Serves you right, you ungrateful wretch!

I like seeing Green Arrow in pain because, as a hero, I do not like him at all. Remember how Green Arrow and Green Lantern had those buddy road trip comic books last century? I wish they'd do those again! But instead of Green Lantern, Oliver should be riding around the world on a sailboat with Aquaman. Oh the hijinks and gay sex that would ensue!

Once Ollie's dad dies, he touches his dad's arrow and relives all of the past comic books he's starred in over the last year. Luckily, the Nocenti and Krul days have been edited out for everybody's pleasure.

I've seen a number of complaints about Lady Onyx being whitewashed by DC Comics. But who the fuck can tell what color anybody's skin tone is in an Andrea Sorrentino comic book?

You know which Clan is the stupidest Clan? Just look at that panel again! Fists versus Swords? That sounds like a bad combination! Unless you're the protagonist in a kung fu movie and then you'll be okay. You'll be able to stop blades between the palms of your hands and shit! But if you're just a lowly Fist Clan member that doesn't have a named credit in the final credits roll, you're going to be in the Stumps Clan soon.

This is why I'm such a fan of science! Thinking through the evidence presented to you and taking it to its logical conclusion looks a lot like psychic ability and arcane wizardry!

I've been watching the new Cosmos every Sunday night and I have to admit, I generally wind up crying from the overwhelming feeling of elation brought on by each episode. Why do people believe in second hand ancient fairy tale bullshit when the actual truth of the universe is so moving and engaging and awe inspiring? And this is shit I already know but it's so fucking great to see it told in an engaging manner while taking the occasional potshot at less than curious people that would rather believe their ego will live forever than learn how their world really works.

A few years ago, I went down to Los Angeles to hang out with my friend Bob as he had some appointments with surgeons to see how much more work he needed on rebuilding his body. I think he was getting fitted with a Bionic Eye or something. Anyway, we were staying in adjoining rooms at a hotel with the connecting door left open so we could more easily drink with each other. I was watching some show on black holes or something and he came in and watched for a bit, turned to me, and said, "But how do they know?" That's a great question to ask! That's science! Don't take their fucking word on it! Find out how they know what they know and let your mind reel in amazement at the shit science has figured out. I think my answer was, "Science!" Which I admit, wasn't really very informative. But at least I didn't say, "An ancient text translated across a number of dead languages!" Although he might have accepted that as a fairly decent answer, having become a Christian since he was almost killed in Iraq. He'd been an atheist up until that point, so I think his new Christian family love that one of us saw the light and was redeemed! But he was never a curious learner, never a thinking atheist. He really just loved chanting "Satan" at people when he saw them reading The Bible on the bus. He was ripe for transitioning to their team!

Katana chops up some people and then gets ready to face Onyx, the leader of the Fist Clan. Luckily the Fist Totem isn't a mummified hand like I had been imagining it would be; it's a metal glove which should help in blocking Katana's Soultaker. This is the fight I thought should have taken place last issue with the Sword Clan cover!

Meanwhile, Komodo left Emiko alone with the good guys and loses her after she has one conversation with Shado.

Ungrateful wretch!

By the way, Emiko does kill Komodo.

Katana cuts off Onyx's hand. Then Onyx pulls a Skywalker and yells, "No!", and dives into the water to retrieve the Fist Totem. So I think Katana wins. It would have been really embarrassing for the Sword Clan to be defeated by the Fist Clan.

Green Arrow declines a job opportunity.

These commentaries are so much easier when I simply state the facts! I think I'll trade away a bunch of Followers to lighten my writing load! Hee hee. I said load. I also giggle when somebody says cream.

Emiko chooses to stay with Shado, her mother. But I'm sure she'll occasionally visit her big brother Ollie in Seattle.

Speaking of Seattle, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry are currently trying to stop Dick Dragon, Master of Kung Fu, from taking over the city. It's not really going very well. They'll probably need to be saved by the careful use of just the right trick arrow. You see, Clock King betrayed Diggle because he wanted to join the new Injustice League featuring Dick Dragon (Master of Kung Fu!), Brick, Count Vertigo, Killer Moth, and Red Dart. Seems like a sharper crew than the Injustice League usually goes for. Anyway, they want to kill Green Arrow to prove they have control over Seattle and they want Diggle to arrange the meet up. I guess there isn't going to be a Mask Clan Chapter of The Outsiders War since The Outsiders War is now over! That makes sense since they're a secret clan and shouldn't be exposing themselves to the public on the covers of comic books.

Green Arrow #31 Rating: No change. The Outsiders War's ending was a bit anti-climactic but it's definitely set up a great history and cast of characters for Rebooted Green Arrow to build upon. This was really a six issue Origin Story for the new Green Arrow, something he's been needing badly after how savagely he was abused and molested by Krul and Nocenti. The series also might have been better than I actually thought it was but since I don't care much for Green Arrow, I probably wasn't as engaged as I could have been. Maybe if Aquaman had guest starred?

Green Arrow #30

The S-Word Clan? Oh! That's how Lemire came up with this whole Outsiders thing! He was watching George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television"!

Last issue Green Arrow was shot in the head. So why is the story continuing? Will this issue be about the reading of his will? Maybe we'll get twenty-four pages of his body slowly decaying! If this were a Lobdell book, the first page would show the arrow missing Ollie's head even though it clearly penetrated it on the last page of last issue. But Lobdell is a hack. I think Lemire is a slightly better writer.

Before I read the comic, let's see how close I was to guessing the Sword Clan's attributes! I guessed they would be Balance, Speed, and Power. So I got one out of three! I guessed "Precision" for the Arrow clan so I'm going to give myself half of a useless point for that. I'm kicking myself that I didn't come up with Soul seeing as how Katana's Soultaker is the most important sword in the DC Universe.

Now that I know precision won't be one of the Arrow Clan attributes, I'm going to update my guess! I still like Balance and Focus as choices. For my new choice, I'm going with Patience! Now let's see how Ollie survived the arrow through the head trick. My guess is it split the hemispheres of his brain and did no real damage. It may have even severed the corpus callosum which means Ollie will suffer from Alien Hand Syndrome this issue! That'll make nocking an arrow difficult. Or constant.

This issue begins before Green Arrow entered the Cathedral. That means we're going to see the secret to his survive an arrow in the head trick! One thing I said last commentary was "Too bad Shado didn't come." But she did come! And she brought Robert "Richard" Green!

Maybe Ollie will die and his dad will take over the role! Or maybe his dad will shave his goatee and pretend to be Ollie and get killed! Or maybe I should just keep reading and find out!

As Green Arrow, Shado, and Big Daddy Arrow crash into the Cathedral, the reader discovers that what happened last issue has already happened this issue. The real trick was the Old Marvel Special! Green Arrow from last issue wasn't actually Green Arrow! I don't know why I didn't guess that possibility! It seems to be comicdom's go to get out of the cliffhanger free card. It was actually Magus and he reveals that he's the leader of the mysterious Seventh Clown Clan: The Mask Clan!

Magus calls the Mask a weapon which doesn't seem to follow the structure of the rest of the clans that are actual weapons. But since the mask is about obfuscation and disguise, it makes sense that it wouldn't be a real weapon because who would guess it was a Mask! I guess now that I know it's not the Owl Clan, I should change my attributes from Douchiness, Secrecy, and Gloryholes to something more Mask-Oriented. Like Secrecy, Obfuscation, and Enlightenment.

The big battle breaks out although it can't be the biggest battle since there are at least two more issues left in this story. It's the Fisting Clan and the Spear Clan versus the Arrow Clan and the Mask Clan! But since I think most of the Arrow Clan is actually following Komodo, that means it's three clans versus one right now. But that changes when Magus calls his back-up team onto the field.

It's the Axe Clan! And one person with a Sword that hates the Sword Clan.

Just like a normal war, the main battle is fought by nameless men and women. The main characters leave the battle to pursue the important story. Ollie and Shado chase after Komodo and Emiko. Katana chases after Onyx. Only Magus and Ollie's Father remain behind with Butcher and the Axe Clan to defeat the Fists and the Shafts. This is starting to feel a lot like reading The Lord of the Rings. I always enjoyed the story the most when it followed Pippin and Merry. Sam and Frodo's story was too depressing because Frodo was basically a bag of grain that Sam had to keep convincing to move its ass. I suppose it was supposed to be an uplifting commentary on loyalty and friendship and the strength to carry a heavy burden. But I just got sick of all the whining.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Dick Dragon, Master of Kung Fu, frees Count Vertigo from prison. I thought Vertigo was headed for Belle Reve. I guess the transfer papers haven't gone through yet.

How do you begin a sentence that begins a paragraph after a "meanwhile" paragraph where you're getting back to the main action? I'd use "meanwhile meanwhile" except that sounds like you're getting even further removed from the main plot. I suppose I could say "back to the real story" or "But fuck Dick Dragon because back in Prague, Shado is in trouble!"

I'm naming my first child "Dick Dragon."

While Emiko figures out which adult to trust, Oliver and his dad have a long conversation about trust. Maybe. I haven't actually read what they're talking about yet. I just turned to a couple of pages with lots of word balloons coming out of the mouths of the Queen men. All of those speech balloons just boil down to Ollie telling his daddy that he hates him. And then Daddy dies protecting Emiko. So now Ollie is going to have to bore me with his angst at having allowed his father to die without knowing that he didn't really hate him at all! He loved him and missed him and was just so angry!

Robert dies by getting shot in the heart by Komodo. So he technically dies of a broken heart. How embarrassing.

Green Arrow #30 Rating: No change. I know this was called "Book 5: Family" but it did have the Sword Clan on the front cover, so I was expecting a whole lot more Katana. Instead the stupid story actually followed the title and dealt with the Queen family finally reuniting. Also, there were no trick arrows in this issue.

Green Arrow #29

The Axe Clan's emblem is a cock and balls.

The attributes of each clan were making fairly decent sense up until The Axe Clan appeared. What makes a person with an axe wise and truthful? Bravery makes sense because you have to get into close combat while swinging a fairly poorly weighted weapon. It's not foolhardy like just using your fist would be and not cowardly like relying on a shield. But wisdom and truth? Those must be metaphorical! Am I supposed to recall some parable about how an axe is a simple truth? Maybe it represents the wisdom of Solomon because Solomon was going to chop that baby in twain with an axe because he was so wise. That's weird. Nobody ever called Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees wise and they chopped a lot of people in half.

I'm sure the Sword and Arrow Clan covers are available online (and just mentioning them will cause somebody to comment on the clan attributes!) but let me try to guess their attributes now. Arrow will have Precision, Balance, and Focus. Sword will have Balance (if Arrow doesn't! If Arrow does, then make this attribute Stabbiness), Speed, and Power. The last clan, The Owl Clan, will have Douchiness, Secrecy, and Gloryholes.

Last issue, Oliver just found out his father was still alive, got scared that his dad might find out that Ollie destroyed the family business, and ran into the jungle to hide. Some other stuff happened too but I don't think it was very important to the overall story. Naomi and Henry were still doing nothing but eating pizza and flirting with each other. I guess The Spear Clan being overthrown by The Fisting Clan was notable. It was probably also some kind of hidden lesbian agenda as they toppled the patriarchal phallus wielders to replace them with a mightier sexual instrument of penetration, the Fist. The leader of the Fisting Clan was female, so I might have sussed out Lemire's secret plot point.

This is practically like my drawing from The Movement #10 Commentary! A balloon and a scapegoat!

Komodo, the current leader of The Arrow Clan (although he doesn't have the Arrow Totem so he's more like a regent or an usurper or a powerless figurehead), gives a rousing speech to the people loyal to The Outsiders. These people include the Spear Clan, the Shield Clan, the Fisting Clan, and the Arrow Clan. They also kind of include his fake daughter, Emiko (actually the daughter of Shado and Robert "Richard" Queen), although not for long. You see, he told her that her mother, Shado, had died years ago. But now Komodo mentions that Shado might be among the people coming to destroy The Outsiders with Green Arrow and Emiko is backstage listening. The only reason Emiko has been driven to train so hard and why she's full of anger was to kill Oliver Queen, the son of the man that supposedly killed her mother. But if her mother is not dead, that means her fake dad is a liar (which should be obvious since he's not a member of The Axe Clan and also doesn't even fucking own The Totem Arrow of Truth). It looks like it's time for Ollie's half-sister to switch half-sides!

Green Arrow has come to Prague alone to defeat Komodo. At this point, I'm not sure why he's bothering. You see, I've forgotten what his motivation was! Magus was kind of leading him blindly by the hand for awhile and I think Ollie was interested in finding out what happened to his father. He's also searching for some vague triple dragon threat. I think the dragons were Shado, Komodo, and Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. I think the bottom line is Ollie just needs to punch Komodo in the teeth for destroying his business and killing one or two of his friends. Maybe he also needs to stop The Outsiders from taking over the world. If I were Ollie, I would have just given it all up when I found out my father was alive and had been manipulating me for years. I would have just walked away, bought a Volkswagen Bus, and hit the road to wander forever without a care in the world. Except maybe how to afford gas for the car and food for my tummy.

Your mistake was actually giving a fuck and heading to Prague to be a big, bad hero.

Ollie's first comment to the Spear Clan Members surrounding him is, "Komodo still nursing his missing eyeball?" That's just a disturbing image. Even if you could nurse something that was missing, where would you stick the nipple in the eyeball?

The Spear Clan's rebuttal is "DON'T YOU FUCKING DISRESPECT OUR GIGANTIC MIGHTY SPEARS WHICH WERE THE FIRST WEAPON IF YOU IGNORE FISTS AND CLUBS AND POSSIBLY SLINGS!" And it's right about then that I realize this comic book is finally making me smile. I'm actually enjoying Green Arrow! You know what that means? The lasting effects of horrible writers on comic books are not permanent! I have shed my hatred of Green Arrow based on Krul and Nocenti! I can see again with clear eyes and a jubilant heart! And you know what that means that this means that?! The Teen Titans and Red Hood and, although very improbable, even Roy Harper can come back from the taint of Mister Scott Lobdell! Oh! And Catwoman! She can be made whole given enough time away from the putrefying typewriter of Ann Nocenti! Glory on Most High! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

Speaking of Jesus, did anybody else watch the first episode of the new Cosmos with Neil deGr"Fuck Pluto in the"asse Tyson? I enjoyed how they took a subtle shot at religion when he was speaking about the Cosmic Year. Right there in the last seconds of the Cosmic Year, he pointed out when each of the major religious Holiest of Holy Men were born. Kind of insignificant in the grandeur and enormity of space and time, really.

Part of the reason I'm enjoying Green Arrow (aside from the beautiful ability of the mind to slowly erode the memory and allow one to forget the trauma caused by earlier experiences) is that he's using and talking about his goofy trick arrows. These things need to be one of the characters of this comic book. I demand a new trick arrow every fucking issue! Lemire has presented two already in this issue: The Thunderclap Arrow which is really just one of his usual noise producing things and the Umbrella Arrow which casts a wide net of green fire or electricity or slime or something. Whatever it does specifically, it helps to distract and take down some of the Spear Clan.

And then Ollie reminds me why he's doing what he's doing.

It was just for revenge! And, I suppose, to save his little sis. But now he needs to save the world too!

Meanwhile in Seattle, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff are holding down the pillow fort. Since Green Arrow is busy with all that Outsiders bullshit, he can't stop Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu from taking over Seattle. So it's up to Diggle and his old buddy, The Clock King, to take down Dick Dragon themselves. I hope this winds up more exciting than it sounds. It's bad enough when the best part of the action is a guy shooting arrows out of a bow. Now we've got a bunch of non-super-powered nobodies facing off against the Master of Kung Fu! I don't think they stand a chance! I bet Clock King gets himself killed again.

And back in Prague where the actual "super hero" is busy saving the world, the actual "super hero" has suddenly failed to save the world. He found The Spear Clan's super secret hideout but it was filled with Spear Clan members, as well as Fist Clan members and Arrow Clan members. So he's captured practically instantly. Too bad he didn't bring Shado along with him.

Ha ha ha! I didn't know Onyx was putting "superhero" in quotation marks as well! I think I might be a lesbian supervillain and master of Fisting!

Onyx gives him a taste of her Fist which is less exciting than it sounds because he keeps his pants on. And then Komodo gives Ollie a taste of his Arrow when Emiko is too much of a little girl to put an arrow in Ollie's head.

Too bad for Queen, Komodo isn't also a little girl.

Green Arrow #29 Rating: +5 Ranking! Most of that is for Green Arrow being shot in the face! Ha ha! Stupid! Now what happens? Does Kevin Smith come in to begin writing a resurrected Green Arrow? Do we find out that Komodo uses trick Steve Martin arrows? Maybe the arrow passed safely between the hemispheres of Ollie's tiny brain? Maybe I never have to read another Green Arrow comic book ever again? Although that would be a bit disappointing since I really enjoyed this issue of the series. Finally! I still think he's a stupid super hero. But I'm enjoying this new version of him. Especially since he lost the old Robin Hood goatee.

Green Arrow #28

This fisting joke writes itself and then goes back in time to fuck its own grandfather.

I wish one of the hands on The Fist Icon was wearing a ring because it's practically goat.se with four hands. Seriously though. DC Comics has come a long way from the days when they got upset at Simon Bisley for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles. Now they have a guy in ecstasy and pain from taking a fist in the ass right on the cover with an image of the person doing the fisting inset with a bloody fist! And under that a goat.se swastika! What the fuck is going on over at DC's offices these days? I'm guessing lots and lots of opiates.

The issue begins with Oliver Queen's father saying, "Surprise! Daddy's home! How's the business going?" And Ollie is all, "Um. Uh. Yeah, dad. About that. Didn't you say how you always wanted to be a painter?"

Oliver learns that his dad faked his own death and stranded Oliver on a desert island in order to protect Oliver. Then he forced him to have adventures written by J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti to strengthen and toughen him for the battles ahead. It was the only way they could go up against The Outsiders and survive.

He's not the only one that hates you for what you put him through! Just think of what you put us through?! Two years of shit for comics!

Anyway, that explains away the first two years of this comic book. Although I'm not sure Oliver really learned much during his time being written by Krul and Nocenti. He was still a selfish, childish, immature brat during those times. But I suppose we have to fake it if we want to leave those memories behind us. And that's just what I'm going to do! I'm finally going to let this comic's past failures go! I will get on board with Lemire and pretend that whatever he writes is how things happened.

I should probably do the same thing for Katana so that when she enters The Outsiders War here, I won't bitch and moan and kick my feet the entire time.

I should but I'm almost certain I won't!

Ollie's dad clears up all the hazy bits and makes sense of the entire story so far. The only part that doesn't make sense is why, as a father and husband, he sacrificed his family to take over The Outsiders. I suppose he's saving the world or something. Although it might not matter since Kodiak finds them all and bashes Ollie and Shado in the kidney's with his shields.

He's a DC Character, isn't he?

Oliver puts Kodiak down with an arrow to a kidney and then he takes up the Shield Totem and coldcocks his father with it. Then he tells Shado that he doesn't like her very much and pouts off into the jungle.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Diggle has returned to Seattle to put a stop to Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu. He'd like Green Arrow's help but since Green Arrow is on vacation, he settles for help from Naomi and Henry. I hope he likes working with people who spend eighty percent of their work hours goofing around. Maybe that's why decided to team up with Clock King! So someone can keep an eye on their time cards.

And way over in Prague, Komodo (faux leader of the Arrow Clan) and Onyx (leader of the Fist Clan) stage a coup, killing Golgotha (leader of the Spear Clan and head of The Outsiders) and taking power for themselves. Little Emiko watches from the shadows and smiles. She'll probably be important in the upcoming war since she's Ollie's little half-sister.

Green Arrow #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Reading a Green Arrow comic still doesn't fill me with wonder and excitement but I have to give it kudos for telling a coherent story about a kid that's been used by his father and everybody else in the world around him to the point that he no longer trusts anybody. He and his sister Emiko are going to have some huge therapy bills in the future.

Green Arrow #27

Is this cover a Blue Shield joke? I suppose all of the clans are going to have an associated color! The shield equals hope while the arrow equals willpower!

Oliver Queen (I keep wanting to call him "Oliver North" or "Oliver Green") has finally found the Arrow Totem but the comic book ended before he could get his hands on it last month. Also not happening before the comic book ended last month: Green Arrow became interesting! Ha ha! Take that, you non-super-powered archer! You're worse than Aquaman! At least he can have tea and crumpets with dolphins. What can you do? Shoot a boxing glove at somebody's face and make a lame quip as you do it? What a jerk!

Now that Green Arrow finally has a competent writer, I feel like I can really hate him like I used to without feeling like I'm kicking him while he's down and bleeding out and not breathing and practically dead. I'd like to say I've never been a fan of Green Arrow but a much younger version of myself did enjoy seeing what kind of stupid arrows he would wind up shooting at the bad guys. He never seemed to think the time was right for a normal arrow through the heart though. That was disappointing.

This issue begins by pointing out that I was wrong about Green Arrow finding the Arrow Totem. It seems he found the place where the Arrow Totem once was.

Oh come on! If you know more than you've been telling, spill it! Stop being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious! And also for the sake of contrived plot tension!

Let me guess: everyone is going to jump out from behind some rocks and yell "Surprise!" now, right? It's Ollie's birthday and they've all pitched in and purchased him his own Arrow Totem! But nobody appears. Instead, Ollie shakes Shado and demands she tell him what she knows. But she only tells him that he already knows what she knows! But I don't think he does! And I don't really care if he knows or not! She should tell me! Maybe the Arrow Totem has been inside of Oliver all along! No, no. This isn't some happy-go-lucky Afternoon Special. Besides, that would be really uncomfortable. Before Shado can tell Ollie her secret (which I don't think she was willing to tell anyway), Lemire thinks up some loud drums to distract Green Arrow from seeking the truth. Whew, that was a close one! The readership almost found out too much too quickly! Thank goodness for Native Island Contrivances like war drums!

Or a bunch of maniacs banging on their shields.

The Shield Clan is the worst clan ever. So boring! I would be embarrassed to have become a part of the Shield Clan. I would have at least brought a Kite Shield.

Meanwhile in Japantown in San Francisco, Katana is breathing a sigh of relief that she's finally going to get the chance to be in a decent comic book. Magus visits her and says, "All the shit you've been through, it was all tied up with this group called the Outsiders. I need your help for mysterious and unclear reasons which I won't tell you. But I will promise you answers to all of your questions! And you will get to kill people! Are you ready to join me?" And Katana says, "You had me at no more Ann Nocenti." And Magus goes, "I never sai...." And Katana put her sword up to Magus's lips and whispered, "Shhh."

Meanwhile back on Arrow Totem Island, Green Arrow and Shado shoot a bunch of arrows at the Shield Clan. The results are...well, you know. What you would expect. A bunch of shields with arrows sticking out of them. But Green Arrow has more than just regular arrows! Remember how I remembered that about him earlier?! Remember?! He doesn't use his Boxing Glove Arrow which is the one that always needs to be mentioned because it's the most iconic. Instead he chooses his Explosion Arrow which would seem really fucking dangerous, especially for a guy who doesn't like to kill. I suppose he usually saves that one for when he's trapped behind a big steel door or when he needs to blow a hole in the side of a mountain to get to the Arrow Totem. He also uses a Net Arrow and a Fire Arrow and that Arrow that The Weapon Expert Formerly Known as the Alive Weapon Expert made for him. You know the one! The one that covers the person in hardening foam? I think the guy's name was Jax. Also, maybe he didn't invent that arrow. That one may have been invented by the Techie That is Overweight and Has a Crush on Naomi. I can't fucking remember his name at all but I think it began with a "P".

Anyway, Ollie defeats all of them except for their leader Kodiak who drops out of the sky! I guess he has a Hover Shield. Maybe that's what he calls his helicopter.

Don't your boys have to be conscious and/or alive to learn from your example?

Green Arrow and Shado flee from Kodiak because his shield is too powerful for them. Also, he broke all of their arrows when he crashed down on top of them. Now the only way Ollie is going to be able to defeat Kodiak and his Shield Totem is to find the last arrow left on the island: The Boxing Glove Arrow! I mean, The Totem Arrow!

Green Arrow takes Shado back to the place where he became a man. It didn't matter that he became a man by doing it to another man. That's how some men become men! It's just kind of weird because I think Green Arrow is heterosexual. But hey! What happens in college (or on deserted islands) stays in college (or on deserted islands)!

Sexual!

As Ollie and Shado near the place where Oliver became a new man, Shado decides to get mysterious again. "You know why you're here, Oliver! It wasn't a coincidence, Oliver! Just think about all the tropes that have gotten you to this point, Oliver! What's the last trope that you'd totally expect? Come on! Whose responsibility is it to make certain that the son becomes a man-fucker? I mean a man?! Well, don't think about it too long because he's going to answer the question for you, you stupid dishrag! I mean douchebag!"

Yay! It's Dicky Queen! Whose first name isn't actually Richard even though he was called Richard a few issues ago and then his name was corrected to something else that I can't remember because it was in no way as good as Dicky Queen!

Green Arrow #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. This ranking is mostly for Sorrentino's art which is fabulous. But that Shield Clan was shit. What a bunch of stupid assholes. No wonder they get sent in first! They get no respect and they don't deserve any! I suppose they showed how their "stability" was their downfall, resorting to traditional shield tactics while Ollie has entered the modern age with Boxing Glove Arrows. Anyway, Ollie still needs to deal with Kodiak but next issue can't be a Shield Clan cover again, so I suppose it's going to be an Arrow Clan cover since Dicky Queen just showed up with the Arrow Totem. Although it could be a Sword Clan cover since Katana is being brought in by Magus. Of course I'm the only one that doesn't know what the next cover will be because, before any internet assholes can scoff at me and tell me to take a look at the solicits once in a fucking while, I don't motherfucking look at the Goddamn motherfucking solicits. Get off my back!

Green Arrow #26

Is Lemire going to release an Outsiders Role Playing Game when this is over?

More stuff has been taking place in this comic book than I'm able to remember and recap. Green Arrow was driven out of Seattle by Komodo and into the desert arms of that blind guy Magus or whatever his name was. I'm surprised I even came up with Komodo! Anyway, in a hallucinogenic ritual, Green Arrow learned (or remembered?) that Komodo was chosen by his father to be his apprentice. But Komodo had ants in his pants and couldn't wait, so he killed Ollie's dad so that he could be the Leader of the Arrow Clan. But the Arrow Relic was never found, so he kind of jumped the gun on that one. He took Ollie's sister, daughter of Shado (one of three Dragons Magus tasked Ollie to find), and began raising her as his apprentice. Meanwhile, Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu (and probably the leader of the Fist Clan), has rolled into Seattle and is threatening to take over all of the criminal territories. Also, Diggle and The Clock King are up to something as well. Count Vertigo kind of sidetracked the Outsiders story arc a bit but now he's safely tucked away in Belle Reve awaiting a call from Amanda Waller.

If any of that is wrong or I missed anything important, I'm sure it'll be cleared up by the comic book when I begin reading it!

The issue begins with Ollie proving that his balance is back and his ear, blown out by Vertigo, is all better.

Goddammit, Sorrentino! Are you trying to make me forget my precious Tig by making Naomi just as fucking cute?! Well it won't work because J.T. Krul made Naomi a stupid fuckface and I probably won't ever be able to work my way past that!

Why is the word "fuckface" an insult? I keep repeating it and it's kind of turning me on!

*sigh* Just look how cute Naomi is! I hope she really is a fuckface!

While Green Arrow wants to go kick Komodo's ass, Shado tells him what the real plan is going to be.

One Arrow to rule them all and on the island bind them!

Shado claims to know where the Arrow Totem is because Ollie's dad showed her a secret map. She seems to think it showed the location of the Arrow Totem but I bet it was just a map with a hole cut in it that Ollie's father stuck his dick through. But Shado convinces Green Arrow and they head off to the island where Ollie learned how to utilize a bow and arrow. I think he met an imaginary monk while stranded on the island who taught Ollie everything he knows.

Meanwhile in Arizona, Magus is meeting with The Butcher, the head of the Axe Clan. Apparently there are some Rogue Clans that aren't working with the World Dominating Outsiders. Unless Magus is talking about offshoots of the main clans. Like the Axe Clan is working with the other Outsiders but there is a Rogue Axe Clan called The Hatchets. Maybe that's how Ann Nocenti's Dagger Clan fits into things. They're just a rogue part of the Sword Clan.

What am I saying?! Ann Nocenti's writing has no place in Lemire's Outsiders War! And with Katana cancelled, she won't even be able to confuse anybody with strange ambiguities and horrible scripts.

As Green Arrow and Shado arrive on his island and begin following Shado's map, Ollie remembers his time on the island and how much he grew. He shed the skin of the spoiled rich kid and became a man able to take responsibility on his own shoulders. He finally learned how to shoot an arrow straight. And he was eventually captured by The Others! But that story will have to be finished another time because Ollie and Shado have arrived at the "X" on Shado's map.

Sometimes thinking outside the box means thinking inside the box, stupid!

Inside the cave are a bunch of sixty foot tall statues carved into the rock and a pedestal with a glowing green arrow.

Back in Prague, Golgotha, leader of the Spear Clan and, apparently, leader of all the Outsiders, informs Komodo that Green Arrow and Shado will soon be dead because he has sent the Shield Clan and their leader, Kodiak, to the island to complete the job that Komodo couldn't handle.

Green Arrow #26 Rating: +10 Ranking. Lemire has put Green Arrow's shit back together and things are progressing nicely. I suppose I can finally, mostly, forget the past atrocities perpetrated on this character. Forget but not forgive! Because if I forget, I won't have to bother with forgiving! I should also say this so that it's fresh in my memory next issue: Spear, Shield, Fist, Arrow, Sword, Axe. Those are the six Outsiders Clans that have been revealed. One mystery one remains! I think they're the Bird Clan and they're represented by the Court of Owls.

Green Arrow #25

I hope this issue finally reveals why such enmity exists between Green Arrow and Aquaman! Which has probably been forgotten by everybody except me.

I think Aquaman and Green Arrow dislike each other because they're the two heroes at the bottom of the totem pole. Aquaman probably defends his abilities by saying, "You think I'm worse than a jerk running around with a bow and arrow?! I have actual super-powers! I'm nigh invulnerable! Super strength! Nine inch cock! Come on!" And Green Arrow just has to point out that some guy is running around calling himself "Aquaman" when defending against the ridiculousness of his own career.

Although, if you want to get technical and be an Actually Nerd, Aquaman doesn't think of himself as Aquaman. But he's so stoic, you'd never know! If you call him Aquaman, he simply grunts and rolls his eyes and answers anyway. But if Mera is in the room, you'll never hear the end of it. "You better not fucking call my man "Aquaman!" You better show him some Goddamn respect! He's the fucking king of the seven seas, bitch. What are you the fucking king of? That's what I thought."

As you might expect, this issue begins six years ago during Zero Year. It's what I expected but then I rarely miss subtle clues by writers, artists, and graphic design elements on the covers of comic books. What I don't expect is for everybody else in the world to be as perceptive as I am. You might have missed it, but if you look at the cover again, you'll see it costs $3.99. That's the first clue that something is different about this month. That might cause you to examine the cover a bit more closely where you'll see a flock of bats fluttering above Green Arrow's head. And just above those bats in small print that you might have missed if you were paying as much attention as I'd expect the average person to pay a Green Arrow comic book cover, the words "Zero Year." What does it all mean? It means you're paying an extra dollar this month to learn what Oliver was up to six years ago.

As long as J.T. Krul wasn't writing him back then, I think this could be interesting.

I see Judd Winick's Zero Issue is still in Green Arrow's New 52 continuity. I guess some story elements had to be retained from the first four writer's attempts at this hero's reboot.

Oliver Green has just returned from a three year stint stranded on an island. It just happens that he reveals himself to Emerson the same weekend that The Riddler has shut down Gotham. Ollie mentions he was rescued by a Thai fishing boat. Or was he? My original theory was that he was rescued by Aquaman and their animosity toward each other stemmed from that somehow. And once I believe something, I never don't not believe it afterward! Unless that means I stop believing it which isn't what I meant. Perhaps I shouldn't use so many negatives next time I'm trying to not unexplain some non-inexplicable fact.

Another thing I stubbornly still believe: Harvest is Vampire Tim Drake from the future! I'm never letting that one go. I'm so right about that one.

Anyway, ignore those last few paragraphs. I probably should have deleted them but I'm a firm believer in transparency so I think anybody reading this should know that I suck at what I'm doing. I also firmly believe in padding out my commentaries with bullshit so that most responses to my work, at least from the internet, amounts to "TL;DR." Fucking internet. The next time you're having a conversation with somebody, respond to them with, "Too Verbose; Didn't Listen." Although I think most people passively respond this way anyway as they sit there mumbling "mmm hmm" to whoever is speaking while their attention is firmly on the phone in their hands. Sort of like what I'm doing to Green Arrow right now! I'm just ignoring the book so that I can ramble about bullshit I'm not even interested in rambling about! I'm simply avoiding having to listen to Green Arrow.

What I really wanted to talk about was Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I think about this book often because some people's reaction to it drives me nuts. For the life of me, I can't understand how people can be offended by this book. Sure, there are the supposed adults who act completely childlike in their inability to even look at the word "nigger" no matter what the context because it just upsets their delicate sensibilities which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt how not racist they are because that word just turns their stomach and they can't even begin to even think about it at all ever even in intellectual discussions. What I don't get is people's condemnation and dislike of the character of Huck Finn. Do they expect him to be full of our own modern sensibilities about slavery and equality and human rights? Because Huck Finn is not a smart character. He is not an abolitionist. He is not a free thinker. He generally believes that society is trying to teach him the "moral" and "just" way to live life. He finds it a flaw within himself that he can't be "virtuous" and an "upstanding citizen." So what you have is a kid that escapes with a slave because it's a game to him. He eventually realizes Jim has feelings just as he does when Jim is hurt by Huck playing tricks on him. He becomes friends with this man while still believing that slavery is an acceptable institution because that's what he's been taught. So by the end of the novel when Huck has to trick Tom into helping Jim escape once again by turning it, once again, into a game, Huck isn't doing it because he believes slavery is wrong. He absolutely buys into what society has taught him and that it's wrong to help a slave escape. So where does that leave us? What are we to learn from that, if this kid isn't some great liberal forward-thinking abolitionist? Well, what we wind up with is a kid that is willing to condemn his soul to Hell for his friend. And that ending, that thought above all else, almost always brings me to tears when I think about this book. It's Huck's belief that he's going to Hell, that he's going against what is "right," that he's breaking the law and acting immoral that makes Huck's action so powerful. He cares about his friend's happiness and freedom more than his own soul at the end of the book. It would lose all of its power if Huck believed he were fighting a noble fight against the tyranny of the civilization that surrounded him. Huck must be a truly flawed character to make his decision mean so fucking much.

Another thing I was thinking was, "Where is the Age of Innocence fandom on Tumblr? Where are the Team Mays and Team Ellens? Why aren't people shipping Newland Archer with, well, I don't know with who! Gatsby?"

At this point, you might suspect I don't give a shit about Green Arrow. But you'd be wrong! I'm just distracted and hungry. I'll get back to the comic book now.

Oh yeah. Ollie's mom is in Gotham fighting vampires during a horrible earthquake while The Riddler shuts down the city and a storm blows in and Bane has taken over and everybody has escaped from Arkham and Batman is missing and whatever other tragedies constantly bubble to Gotham's surface.

Bodyguard Diggle is trying to keep Moira Queen safe but it's pretty much an impossible job since they're in Gotham. Especially since they're in Gotham before it was full of Batfamily vigilantes. Anyway, she's nabbed by some jerko (not Joker) in a gas mask. At least I think she is. I'm jumping to the conclusion that Diggle failed to protect her and she's going to wind up dying because I haven't seen any evidence of Moira in previous comics. Although I might have zoned out while reading previous references to her character.

Ollie sneaks into Gotham City through the sewers after taking a limo ride from the private airport where he arrived via the Queen Industries private jet. He doesn't want anybody to know he's alive yet because he hasn't had a chance to shave and who needs publicity photos of your mangy three years on an island face gracing the covers of every magazine in existence. He sure thinks a lot of himself, doesn't he? He's been gone for three years! I don't think anybody even remembers him.

I don't get the moth theme. Is it because he's annoying as fuck?

The arrow, surprisingly, isn't from Green Arrow. It's hard to tell since Sorrentino's panels generally have a limited color palette so that arrow could have been green. Instead, it's bat and was fired from a Batbow. Killer Mothman the Moth declares that Batman was his inspiration so right from Zero Year, we have evidence that Batman's existence has hurt Gotham more than it's helped. He inspired all of the wrong kinds of people! I think that's why Bruce Wayne had to get more involved with his city so that people who wore normal business suits could also be inspired to do normal, legal business things instead of taking shortcuts by wearing funny costumes and doing abnormal, illegal business things.

That arrow probably is from Green Arrow because we've run out of heroes that it possibly could be. Also it's, you know, green.

Batman and Green Arrow don't act civilly because why should they? Fuck acknowledging help from another person. That would be weak! Instead they bicker about territory and about saving asses and all the usual shit. At least they don't wind up fighting each other. Moira chooses to remain with Green Arrow as Batman carts off Killer Moth (who really needs to go back to the drawing board with his theme). She recognizes Green Arrow as her son probably because he began by calling her "Mo--". Also because why wouldn't she recognize her baby boy? Even with that disgusting beard full of island lice.

The story ends with Moira asking Ollie how he's alive and he says, "I don't know where to start." Then there's an image of him being kicked off of a cliff with lots and lots of red ink. I guess Andrea Sorrentino finally restocked on red ink after using it all up during his I, Vampire run. And the Next Blurb states that the secrets of the island will finally be revealed next issue! I bet it's Purgatory!

That story was short so there's a back-up story about Diggle and how he wound up helping Green Arrow. But he only helped Ollie for a year before Ollie brought in Roy Harper and everything fell apart because Roy Harper is fucking annoying. He's actually gotten a bit better and had one or two nice moments since Tynion took over Red Hood and the Outlaws. But he's really not been a very sympathetic or likable character at the hands of Scott Lobdell. So I can understand why Diggle left Team Arrow when that jerk was brought in. Anyway, Diggle gets this brief history since he was brought in at the end of last issue trying to get Clock King to help him take back Seattle from Richard Dragon, Master of Kung Fu, and whoever else is fucking up the city.

Green Arrow #25 Rating: No ranking. This felt too much like an annual to get any kind of rating assigned to it. An interlude. A way to pass the time. A month off to introduce Diggle. But at least Batman was in it for a couple of pages! Although I will rate my commentary: -5 Rankings! What was that shit? Where's the care? It's like the mind of whoever wrote it was somewhere else. Perhaps dick deep in the burrito they're dreaming of eating!