Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Earth 2 #14

Time for some fun, escapist literature!

Steppenwolf, your hour of dickitude is over. Earth 2 has a penultimatum for you! Stop being a dick! See, I think the stop being a dick is the penultimatum and if he doesn't stop being a dick, then the ultimatum kicks in which is leave or we'll throw you out. And since those two option are really just the same option, a smart person would leave of their own accord. Steppenwolf probably doesn't think that the heroes of Earth 2 can throw him out though, so he probably thinks the ultimatum has some subtext reading, "Unless you're too powerful for us and then you can ignore the ultimatum after you kick all of our asses." I think all ultimatums have that loophole!

Okay, so Steppenwolf needs to be removed from the seat of power in Dherain. Here's the plan. First, the World Army will....

Fine. Forget the plan. Just rush in flinging magic and light.

It turns out Alan Scott and the others actually have a plan. It's called "leaving out the women." Where the fuck is Hawkgirl? Oh yeah, she's detectivanting all over China. That's where you do detective work as you gallivant. It was all the rage in Edwardian times. Now I want to write a comic book about Detectivanting! The activity would strike the fancy of the younger Lords and Ladies with substantial amounts of their parents' money to spend. The series would follow one group of fairly unlikable snobs as they set off for Europe or America or Africa on Detectivanting Excursions. They would pay for the pleasures of prearranged intrigues but their frivolous pursuits would eventually lead the whole world into war. There would also be a lot of sex.

Actually, Alan Scott's plan (before I was derailed by my new comic book idea that I'll never write) was to leave the World Army out of his plan and go into Dehrain with just The Flash and Doctor Fate at his side. Also, they don't care about Steppenwolf or the safety of Earth. This entire strike is just a public relations move to make the people of Earth 2 fall in love with Wonders: The Next Generation. I'm sure something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong. Commander Khan will probably spit and scowl and scuff his shoe against the military base's hardwood floors and go, "Eeeeeewwwwwww!" Oh, that probably needs a little more to it to be a consequence of something going wrong. Maybe he'll declare Heroes illegal or draft them into the World Army to work with The Sandman and The Atom.

You know what? I think Commander Khan already hates these new wonders and is currently hunting them. So I guess nothing can go wrong! They're only battling a bunch of human soldiers, after all!

Whoops!

The Flash, probably because he has no actual idea how long they've been fighting (seriously? How the hell do you judge time when you run around at different speeds and your mind works at varying speeds? He must always feel like it's Tuesday), thinks it "went well" after defeating Dherain's border guards. But Alan Scott reminds him they're at war and wars take a long time. Now I'm curious as to how long The Flash can fight before he completely exhausts himself of energy? Since this isn't the Earth Prime human "Oh no I've just been doused in chemicals and struck by lightning" Flash, perhaps he has unlimited energy. After all, he is using the power of a God.

Before Steppenwolf's anti-wonders can show up, The World Army's Wonders arrive! They're composed of The Sandman Squad, The Atom, and Doctor Didn't Get the Memo That Warfare Has Advanced Past Pointy Sticks.

Seriously, Sir. There's a gigantic nuclear man behind you! And you bring a bow and arrow?

I suppose a bow and arrow might make sense if the person firing it had some kind of super speed power. A gun would be useless because it could still only fire at a standard rate due to its mechanical nature. But a bow could be fired as many times as possible. I think. Ignoring friction, of course. Which would probably mean the bow and string would have to be made out of Inertron.

Also on the way to the battle are Commander Khan and General Foster (Australian, of course. Is that wrong?). General Foster likes to be called Stormy and I can't tell if it's because he's from Australia, or if it's because he has some kind of weather powers, or if it's a sex thing. With that mustache, it could be any of them.

Speaking of mustaches, I have a friend that believes the hipster fascination with old timey mustache styles and getting tattoos of mustaches on their fingers is linked to the Guy Fawkes masks used in the Occupy Movement. I guess he believes it's a secret sign of revolution. Does he think it's some kind of secret symbol like the Christian Fish or a Masonic handshake? As they pass each other on the streets, do they raise a mustache-tattooed finger to their upper lip in a sign of solidarity?

And speaking of geniuses which I'm speaking of now so now I'm speaking of geniuses, Earth Prime's Third Smartest Asshole has finally decided to grace us with his Fair Play and Technobabble.

If I were a super hero, you can bet my uniform would have a whole lot more armor right around the crotch area.

Back on the boundary of Dherain, The World Army Wonders and The Independent Wonders are busy bickering. At least they haven't actually attacked each other by the time Dherain's Anti-Wonders show up. They get a full page splash highlighting their costumes but since I already scanned the smaller panel, I'm not going to bother with this one. Besides, it looks like they've got a spotlight in Channel 52! I mean Channel 2! Which I guess I'll read now.

Not surprisingly, the Local News did not inform. These are the Hunger Dogs of Steppenwolf (I learned that from next month's teaser!). I believe the purple clad woman is Tatters, the orange maniac is Lockjaw, and the big armored guy is Big Armored Guy.

Earth 2 #14 Rating: No change. I think Alan Scott's plan is stupid because he believes the people will bring down the World Government once they see the Wonders in action overthrowing a sovereign country. Yeah, that's what the people want to see! Super powerful beings toppling governments because they don't agree with the country's leader. He does run a broadcasting network, so it's understandable that he isn't in touch with reality.

Earth 2 #13

This is either Steel penetrating a Fire-Pit or The Atom conducting a prostate exam.

Last week on Earth 2, Newest Batman came to town! Now the biggest mystery on Earth 2 is who is Newest Batman? I bet it's Mister Terrific!

This week, Captain Steel goes fire snorkeling! The title of this issue is "1,370°C" because Americans have yet to get on board with the whole Celsius thing and, as such, the unit used in the temperature still has to be denoted. Also this is the melting point of steel which I didn't have memorized but I know how to think! I figured it was either that or a new boy band that Steel was starting. And when the Google search of "boy band 1370°C" didn't turn up anything, I tried the melting point of steel. It turned out to be that one. By the way, is Fahrenheit 451 called Celsius 232 in every other country in the world?

Captain Steel is heading into a Fire-pit in an experimental ship called Red Torpedo. Commander Khan thinks the Fire-Pits might be a means for Steppenwolf to launch a sneak attack around the world while the World Army is busy invading Dehrain. So Commander Steel gets to explore one and put to rest the rumors of a fiery figure kidnapping people around the Fire-pit in Rio De Janeiro.

Here we see Captain Steel using a lot of words.

Then after ten pages of background story on Commander Steel the Cold-Hearted Snake, he plunges into the Fire-Pit and the scene changes to Hawkgirl.

So what? All that build up and we don't get to explore the Fire-Pit until next issue? Maybe James Robinson won't finish that part of the story before he leaves and the next writer will forget that Captain Steel is in the Fire-Pit and he'll be lost forever and forgotten. If that happens, I'll be pissed. Because I paid $2.99 for this comic book and if the rest of that story isn't told, I might as well just tear out the first ten pages and throw them in the garbage.

Meanwhile in China, Hawkgirl continues to investigate Alan Scott's fiancee's murder. The trail leads her to a graveyard where she's attacked by mutant Apoko-rats being ridden by laser wielding warriors. After the battle, she gets to meet, briefly, Newest Batman!

Swoon!

Apparently Sam, Alan Scott's refrigerated fiance, was up to no good with Kanto the Assassin. Maybe. That's what Hawkgirl needs to find out! So that's one mystery on Earth 2! And another mystery on Earth 2 is who is Newest Batman? And another mystery on Earth 2 is where is Mister Terrific? And another mystery on Earth 2 is what the fuck is in the Fire-Pit? Well guess what! That one gets solved at the end of this issue!

Somebody suddenly seems to care about something.

Earth 2 #13 Rating: No change. I personally didn't like how much time was spent on Steel's backstory. I think it could have been done more effectively with less explication. Show a nearly crippled young boy. Father experiments on him. Suddenly see he's a man that cannot be broken but then see that he's a man that can't care either. I like the character though so maybe it worked out for the best. Maybe I wouldn't have liked him if Robinson didn't give so much away! Oh the conundrum! I am quite intrigued by The Red Lantern scare! That was a nice ending.

Earth 2 #11

Oh DC, you stupid fucking bastards. Dr. Fate should have been the new gay character!

When I opened up the Cover Flap to see the turn of the second half of the phrase, I became super excited to see Mister Miracle. And then I remembered this was the pretend Earth and I got super sad. This is why so many people hate the Reboot. They view the Preboot continuity as the "real" characters and have not been able to bring themselves to care about these imposters. Earth Two feels a lot like that to me. I know Scott Free will eventually appear on Earth Prime (probably in Talon in some kind of Escapapediology Contest!), so this first appearance of him on Earth Two just seems like a fantasy, a charade, a shadow puppet show put on by shadow puppets. Shut up! I know that's impossible! But that doesn't mean I can't think it. Don't put limits on my imagination, Mom! I mean, um, shut up.

Even if I think of this book's non-Justice Society characters as second class citizens whose real versions I look forward to on Earth Prime, I'm enjoying this book. There's a lot going on.

Am I the only person in the world that feels like a complete and abject failure when I begin a sentence with "There"? I feel like I'm not writing to my potential. Should I have said, "The comic book has a lot going on"? Or "This comic book weaves a rich tapestry from the individual stories of the various main characters, creating a vibrant world that takes the reader to its breast and shoves a warm, nourishing nipple against its searching and slavering tongue"? Or "When life has bared its fangs for the last time and finally ripped deep into your skull to feast on your brains and your bones and your raw, pure emotions, leaving you to lie in the dark many hours past waking as you staunchly refuse to acknowledge even your own existence because that would mean venturing out and exposing yourself to the fiery, hellish gaze of the other people walking in the glaring light of the fabricated society we all pretend we understand and fit into, this comic book acts as an abrasive to memory, cleaning out the thoughts that make you envy the last of the water that circles the drain and finally plummets into the dark abyss of the house's pipes, causing you to forget, at least for a few precious moments, the weight and the cruelty and the spastic futility of human sentience"?

Ugh. Thank you comic books and this blog and the readers for giving me a reason to keep my head above the spiraling depression that occasionally rears its stupid fucking head. At least I have something to occupy my mind before I find myself weeping on my knees in front of my bamboo curtain of Ganesha pleading with him to remove the things in my life that are causing this unknown pain and sorrow.

Yes, I did that once. The results to praying to an inanimate representation of a Hindu God? My Xbox red ringed the next day. Ha ha! Very funny, Universe! Fuck you! You know, if I were a more impressionable and less cynical person, I might be Hindu now!

Speaking of nonsense, Fate and Miracle star in this comic book I'm going to read now!

Oh, and let's not forget magic!

While Jay Garrick and the guy that will be Dr. Fate that isn't Nelson since Nelson is another guy now are trying to fetch Nabu's helmet, Wotan is outside the Tower of Doctor Fate telling stories to Jay Garrick's mom.

Wotan: "You know, I used to be a red-haired barbarian sorceress back in the day?"
Garrick's Mom: "So you're one of those transgendertrons?"
Wotan: "I can't tell if you're being insulting or fierce."
Garrick's Mom: "You're holding me hostage and you're worried about me being insulting? You want insults? I don't find it hard to believe that you've been a man and a woman because you're a total dick and a gigantic pussy."
Wotan: "Bravo! I see you fully embrace the vulgarities of the century!"
Garrick's Mom: "Fuck off, cunt puncher."

Jay Garrick's mom might become one of my favorite characters if James Robinson keeps writing her the way I imagine he's writing her!

Wotan explains to Jay's mom that many centuries ago he tried to cast an immortality spell and failed. But the spell that he did cast was an eternal memory spell so his ego and personality remained intact as he lived life after life. And he calls that spell a failure?! That's a much better spell than one that just keeps you in a single body that you have to rely on never getting chopped into tiny bits while it never dies! And you'd always fit in and you'd always know everything and you'd learn so much! Jason Blood has to keep doing lots of bureaucratic bullshit to create different identities so his immortality is never found out. Wotan can simply live every life with new family and friends and still retain her sense of self across generations! That spell was brilliant!

The only problem with Wotan's reincarnations is that she's always reborn with green skin thanks to a curse from Nabu so he can recognize her every time she comes back. That was a pretty cocky curse by Nabu, thinking he'll be alive to be attacked by her every incarnation across the centuries. Or else Nabu went on tour immediately after this and killed Green Babies everywhere he went.

Ha ha! Really cocky! Stupid fuck died almost immediately!

Meanwhile The Flash sends Khalid (that's his name!) to seek out the Helm of Nabu while The Flash tries to defeat the Great Beast. That shouldn't be too hard. I think I could do anything if I could think and act at nearly the speed of light. Everything else would be pretty much motionless, giving me time to do anything I wanted. The Great Beast should be easy to defeat! Unless magic could somehow screw that up. Stupid comic book rules. Why can't they be more like real life rules?!

The Real Flash! A Word Comic Starring The Flash in The Real World!
Jay Garrick was minding his own business when something so scientific that mankind has yet to be able to explain it gave Jay Garrick the power to run at super sonic speeds! Jay didn't understand it so he decided it must have been a gift from God. Then Jay thought, "I shall very much like to test out these super speed powers now!" And he took off really fast! His brain was instantly smashed against his skull from inertia or some other physics thing that makes sense, possibly acceleration. His organs liquified and his bones shattered and his lifeless corpse shot across the field from the momentum of his initial burst of speed, finally collapsing in some thick weeds.
The End!

The Flash finds the Great Beast and hesitates because he has self-esteem problems (according to his mom who is blabbing all of his secrets and insecurities to Wotan). This allows the Great Beast to get the jump on The Flash!

Perhaps the strange environment also caused The Flash to confusingly run right into the Great Beast's grasp.

Meanwhile Steppenwolf has discovered that Scott Free is in Gotham and he's decided to send Fury to retrieve him. He also mentions, a bit off-hand, that Scott Free is hiding in Gotham of "this Earth". Or does it simply mean that the residents of Apokolips and New Genesis here in Dimension #2 can easily move from Dimension to Dimension, so Steppenwolf needs to be clear about exactly where Scott Free has been found? Or does this mean Apokolips and New Genesis reside in a unique Dimension of its own set apart from the 52 Main Dimensions? Sort of like the Anti-Matter Universe from the Pre-Crisis DCU? If so, does that mean Cyborg's Boom Tube Technology can take the Justice League to any of these other Dimensions since it can take them to Apokolips or is the Apokolips trip simply built in to the tech for obvious reasons?

When Steppenwolf mentions Mister Miracle is in Gotham, he adds, "What's left of it." I guess Batman really is the only thing holding that place together.

Those are two of the most impressive monsters I've ever seen! Also, check out the giant ape fighting the lobster creature!

While Khalid is lost in a maze searching for the Helm of Nabu, he's having a conversation with Nabu about his real reasons for wanting to find a helmet that is simply going to supplant his consciousness and his memories with those of a long dead ancient Egyptian. It turns out Khalid's guardian was some guy named Kent Nelson and he died by mysterious circumstances. I bet he pissed off the Lords of Chaos! And then Khalid finally discovers the helmet.

Khalid accepts his role of future madman and dons the helmet to become Doctor Fate. He does it because he has come to admire Jay Garrick's ability to face fear and act when the world needs his help. And right now, Jay Garrick needs his help because super speed apparently isn't the best super power to use against The Great Beast. Maybe The Great Beast will recognize Doctor Fate as his master and become Doctor Fate's super pet. He can join up with Krypto and Batcow and Alfred the Cat and Titus and Beast Boy.

Doctor Fate saves Jay Garrick by using his other familiars that reside in the tower. I think that's what those glowing save points with the icons were. One becomes a panther type creature and the other a flaming bird. They put The Great Beast down and Doctor Fate and Jay Garrick head off to save Garrick's mom from Wotan next issue.

Meanwhile who the fuck knows what is going on with Green Lantern and Hawkgirl and Mister Terrific and Terry Sloane and The Sandmen and The Atom.

Earth 2 #11 Rating: No change. This comic had 95% less Mister Miracle than I expected it to have! It also had about 85% less Doctor Fate. And 100% less Green Lantern! It did have about 44% more Garrick's mom than I ever thought it would. Now if only one of The New 52 Comic Books would simply be about super hero mothers forming a support group and just hanging out talking and trading recipes and gabbing and also being strong women as well as those other stereotypes so that I don't sound totally sexist.

Earth 2 #10

I still hate Jay Garrick's outfit. But I do like Kendra's little blue vest that buttons on to her zip up jacket!

Issue Ten begins with the origin of Hawkgirl and Dr. Fate! No, wait. Premature exclamation. It begins two years ago with Kendra and Khalid being chased through an ancient Egyptian building. And then the next panel takes place fifty-nine minutes later after Kendra has had wings glued onto her back and Khalid is obsessing over his new helmet. Being that I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics (basically because they're like comic books (shut up, I know they're actually just phonemes. Stop ruining my lie!)), let me translate the walls Kendra and Khalid are running past in the first panel.

At the top of the pillar, we see Titty Twister the Rabbit God forcing the Egyptians into a really long queue and forcing them to do the Bunny Hop. This happens at the marriage of Du-Rahn-Te and Buht, The Goddess of Rifles Sticking Out of People's Heads. The next scene is distorted from gunfire but it looks like Du-Rahn-Te and Buht are consummating their marriage with a few slaves thrown in because having sex with multiple partners and crocodiles and cats was just an every day part of Ancient Egyptian Culture. After that, Osiris's detachable penis shoots up through the ground either four times or Osiris's penis was four-pronged. Next, Ka-We the God of Chickadees came into the room and pooped in a hat box. Then above Kendra's elbow in the yellow oval, we can see a pair of pliers next to a Yu-gi-oh deck. Beneath those is a member of the Ku Klux Klan with his pet Loch Ness Monster being reprimanded by a nun standing on an electrified floor. Beneath that and the orange line is the first sentence of a story about the New God Orion and the time he telephoned a duck. Finally on the far wall to the right of Khalid we see a bong and the red sun as it appears at 4:20. Beneath that is Bullet Bill flying over the duck with his telephone and then the pliers and Mjolnir. These might be in some reference to a hallucination caused by the smoking of the bong because beneath that are a couple of anti-drug posters. Before the anti-drug posters, though, is a short commercial with a grandfather and his grandson in a boat discussing prejudice. Then the first anti-drug poster is the "This is your brain on drugs" egg. The second anti-drug message after that is an Above the Influence poster. And that's about it.

Judging by the winged figures, I guess this is the Temple of Horus where Kendra met Horus and was granted his powers. Perhaps the great Egyptian wizard Nabu was Horus's cat and so was buried further in the temple with his favorite helmet.

Back in the present, Wotan gives a short lecture about magic and how the grand wizard Nabu used it to bring order from chaos. So that's a nice little throwback to Dr. Fate's connection to the Lords of Order and Chaos. Jay Garrick doesn't really care about all of this bullshit. He just wants Wotan to send his mom home but Wotan is a bit of a didactic prick and a control freak, so he refuses. This causes Flash to attack but apparently casting spells is quicker than The Flash. Although I suspect The Flash could have gotten the drop on him if he just ran at Wotan instead of slowing down enough to spout off about Wotan "going down!"

Wotan specializes in JRPG spells.

When Khalid first put on the Helmet of Nabu, he was possessed by Nabu's spirit. Part of Nabu's magic secreted itself inside Khalid whether he had the helmet on or not. So Khalid was constantly hearing Nabu's voice. Khalid panicked and wished the Helmet away. Now it's in this limbo in The Tower of Fate and only he and Jay Garrick have the physical make-up to enter the tower and retrieve the helmet. Jay's mom is simply incentive for them to do the task since Wotan has no qualms about killing her. I guess it's time for 1st Level Magic User Khalid and 5th Level Speedster Jay to set off for high adventure in Module E-2, The Tower of Fate!

I think the yellow spheres are checkpoints.

Meanwhile Alan Scott is hanging out in China visiting the grave of his dead boyfriend Sam. Sam's father has met him there and has some mostly selfish and ambiguous words to say to Alan.

Oh fuck you, you oh-so-magnanimous bigot! This kind of thing pisses me off. He could tell Alan made his son happy but he couldn't fucking approve of their relationship? It's not your fucking life! Just because you don't find men sexually attractive doesn't mean you get to judge your son for doing so. It wasn't your life, asshole. Are we supposed to stand up and cheer for your words to Alan Scott here? Are we supposed to hug you and say, "Well, that's all that matters then! That you saw that they were happy! Forget how much Sam's heart probably hurt like hell every time you sneered or dropped an off-hand negative remark!" Fuck bigots and their tiny concessions.

Mr. Zhao does happen to pass on a bit of information to Alan that might prove useful. He discovered Sam was the target of the bombing but he doesn't know who was behind it or why. That information sends Green Lantern on a complete rampage through China's ganglands. When he doesn't discover anything, he heads back to find Hawkgirl and ask her for her help. Do I smell some JSA cooking?

And back to The Tower of Fate, Khalid and The Flash pass through all the checkpoints unmolested and finally make it to the big Boss Battle.

I hope they brought their cheat codes.

Earth 2 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this issue is how the cover shows Hawkgirl with The Flash and Khalid because Jay's mom isn't cover material.

Earth 2 #9

Jay Garrick's costume is awful. Hopefully this cover is Dr. Fate removing Jay Garrick from reality so he can find a new haberdasher.

Previously in Earth 2, The Justice Society still hadn't formed yet. It's hard to organize a group of super heroes when you don't have Batman to do it for you. Hawkgirl is trying to organize this group while she's busy trying not to get caught by the World Army for desertion and being an uppity woman. I bet the Justice Society would have formed a lot quicker if Sam hadn't been killed in that horrible refrigerator crash in China. He probably could have taken the place of Sue Dibny and organized everything and signed leases for a headquarters and sent out cute little evites to potential members. He'd probably start a Tumblr with candid pictures of behind the scenes glimpses of the Justice Society, like Alan whipping up some lightly buttered pasta for an upcoming meeting or Wildcat spraying air freshener in the bathroom. But that didn't happen so now I'm stuck reading about how all the Justice Society Members eventually meet and become friends. Or at least co-workers. And boy do I hate reading stories!

Hawkgirl is currently trying to talk the meat puppet of the helmet of Nabu into donning the fucking thing and becoming useful to everybody.

Well that explains how Kendra knew what she knew. But now where did the Helmet of Nabu come from? Did an Egyptian God visit Khalid in the same way a Roman God visited Jay Garrick?

Hawkgirl received her wings at the same time Khalid received the helmet. Did all the wonders receive their super powers from retreating Gods on Earth 2? How is the Atheist Mr. Terrific going to react to this? I suppose he'll just decide that the "gods" were merely aliens and the gifts they bestowed technology of such advancement as to seem magical. And then he'll see a ghost and point out how it's probably an old man in a mask with a projector. And then they'll see a UFO and he'll point out how it's somebody's brother with a slide whistle and a flashlight. And pretty soon everyone will get sick and tired of his logic and rationality that don't make any fucking sense when applied to comic book reality and they'll send him back to Earth 0.

Khalid is still somehow attuned to the helmet and he still can hear the voice of Nabu in his head. Hawkgirl convinces him to go hang out with Jay Garrick while she deals with the Green Lantern problem. You know the problem? How he said no to her invitation? What a jerk. Anyway, as Khalid is following Jay, Nabu is speaking to him about being scared and Nabu refers to Hawkgirl as the Warrior of Horus. So she's the new Horus. Jay is the new Mercury. Alan Scott is the new Mother Nature. And Khalid is who? Just an ancient mystic named Nabu? Perhaps from Atlantis? Or is a God involved with his power as well?

I like the idea that all the new Wonders on Earth 2 have had their powers handed down to them by dying Gods or Gods heading off to fight in some great war (Ragnarok?). Maybe Earth 2 is just a giant simulation built to test the strength of Mr. Terrific's beliefs! And he'll figure out it's a simulation but won't tell anyone because he enjoys the challenge it provides.

While Jay Garrick is visiting his mother and Khalid is spying on him from the bushes, Dodds and his Sandmen descend on the house to try and capture him. Apparently the people of this world aren't total morons when it comes to figuring out secret identities. Maybe that's the main difference between Earth 2 and Earth 0. Maybe I should call "Earth 0" "Earth Prime" just like in the good old days! Whenever those days were. How should I remember? They've all pretty much actually sucked until now.

The Atom has also been brought along to help capture The Flash which doesn't seem like the best idea since The Flash has already kicked his ass once before. So now Wesley Dodds needs to figure out the easiest way to get The Flash to slow down.

This plan just seems like a reason for The Flash to run faster. I'm pretty sure he could disarm Dodds before Dodds can begin blow drying Jay's mom's hair.

Instead of saving the day, Jay Garrick panics and gets kicked in the face. Since Jay is a lousy super hero, Khalid has to step up and save Garrick's mom. He ignores Nabu and the helmet of Fate (even my muscle memory is juvenile! It tried to type helmet of Fart!) and opts to just smash Dodds in the back of the head with a two by four. During the distraction, Jay collects his mom and Khalid and begins running away. But that isn't fast enough. So Khalid teleports them to safety.

Or someone else teleported them. Perhaps Nabu since they end up in his realm. Or maybe this guy:

Why do I suddenly have the feeling a card battle is about to take place?

Earth 2 #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. It doesn't really matter if the Justice Society ever forms in The New 52 because it's simply enjoyable reading how all of the Wonders have come into existence and their interactions with each other. Although I imagine the great crisis that's been foretold by Mercury and Doctor Fate will eventually bring them all together. Even the World Army will have to join forces with Green Lantern and the other super kids. Although I am looking forward to a point in The New 52 where things finally feel fully established and each of the heroes have a decent amount of history and stories behind them.

The Savage Hawkman #16

Everyone stand up and applaud! THE CONCLUSION!

In celebration of the end of one of the most poorly written and poorly put together plots I've read in my 25 years of reading comic books (and I read DC Challenge, dammit!), I am writing a poem in place of the usual commentary. Before you begin reading, please pour yourself a glass of wine, or fix a nice tumbler of scotch or pop open a forty. Relax. And even though I know you were expecting a lot of swearing and dick jokes, please enjoy this presentation of high brow literature.

Hawkman:Wanted:Conclusion
Part:The:First
Torture!

AAAHHHHH!
The Hawkman screams.
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



As if flying overhead,
(as opposed to strapped into no-strap hovering holo-manacles)
it cries its cry of crying:
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



Shayera's lips move
But the words disappear like seagulls diving into a foetid bay
Searching for sustenance but only finding
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!


Shut the fuck up, Hawkman! I'm trying to fucking recite poetry here!

Grim torture and death
Delivered by buzzed beach going teens
Simply looking to fornicate drunkenly.

"Why doth the Hawkman scream its scream?"
The inexplicably repentant Shayera asks
As she searches her mind for the appropriate cliché
Responses.

Expected turns of phrase which satisfy no one
Except Frank Tieri who cashes his paycheck for a job done.

It is now the screaming of the Hawkgirl
Filling the empty spaces within panels.
"How could you do this to me, Corsar?"
"How could you lie to me, Corsar?"
"How could you do this to your people, Corsar?"

The answer? Obvious.
(To the five loyal readers of The Savage Hawkman,
Who have seen the same plot played out over and over
As if Frank Tieri and Rob Liefeld knew the definition of
"Theme" or "Motif" or "Literary Device")
The answer screamed the scream of the half-hawkman, Corsar
amidst the screams already screamingly scrummed:

AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL!



Screaming replaced by choking
Choking. Choking. Choking.
Great Ixthultu, the CHOKING!
Corsar chokes off Shayera's screams.
Hawkman chokes off Corsar's screams.
The great multi-armed beast
(from who fucking knows where)
Chokes off Hakwman's screams.

Comcast chokes off my poetry calling to scream about
Who knows what since I tell them,
"Fuck. Off. If I want something, I'll call you."
Did Walt Whitman have to deal with these kinds of distractions?
Or were his distractions merely of the half-naked young men at play on the beach variety?

Part:The:Second
THRAXAS!

great old ones!
gods of thanagar!
gods!
living among hawk-people!
or just long-lived ancient ancestors?

THRAXAS be he THRAXAS we see THRAXAS me pee

great old ones!
out of the machine!
to solve the problems!
of all hawk-kind!
his voice!
like screams!

but more rational and well thought out and in a cadence that is really quite lovely, actually.

great old ones!
hold answers!
"teleport the nth metal!
out of meek young one!
into other meek young one!
voila!"

Part:The:Third
Shayera!

"Excuse me but that sounds dangerous."

Part:The:Fourth
A Picture of a Flying Ship!



Part:The:Fifth
What happened to Deathstroke and Pike!

It doesn't matter!
Frank Tieri teaches us that life is messy.
Answers are the rarest thing in life.
Do not wonder if Deathstroke ever replaced
Pike's gum.
Turn your mind away from things you can't know,
Things you will never know,
Things that were not meant for you.

If you could survive this long not knowing what
Happened to Poison Ivy in Birds of Prey,
You can live with never knowing if Deathstroke
Ever found Pike again.

Part:The:Sixth
Birds Rule!

The war behind it all continues!
Thanagar versus Daemonite versus Czarnian!
Except the Czarnians are all dead.
So why hasn't someone told Emperor Corsar?
Or told Writer Frank Tieri?
Or told Editor Harvey Richards?


When did the moon gets its own fucking moon?

Corsar prepares his Flock to Nest upon the Earth!
Eagle in Tinasha! CHECK!
Hummingbird in Pakistan! CHECK!
Iron Dragon in Alaska! CHECK!
(Iron Dragon? Did Frank Tieri run out of birds after thinking up two?
At least it's still a flying, if fictional, animal.)
Magma on Heard Island. CHECK!
(That doesn't make any sense at all for the Flock theme)
Nigel in the Andes. CHECK!
(Oh for fuck's sake! You're not even trying now!)

The next plot is foreshadowed,
If The Savage Hawkman makes it past Issue #17.

Part:The:Seventh
Hawkgirl Saves The Day!

AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHH!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

RUUUUMBLE!

SPLOOSH!

CLICK!

Shayera--NO!

Shayera...
...no...

The Savage Hawkman #16 Rating: No change. It was a stupid ending to a stupid story that never should have taken place because the end of the issue before Hawkman:Wanted began, Hawkman had Pike and Xerxes and Hawkgirl captured. But he let them go and then immediately regretted letting them go because he began hunting Hawkgirl to get answers. So thanks for leaving this title in such a fucking mess, Liefeld! I'll blame you simply because DC kept putting your name on the cover and also why not?

And just because some of you might actually be curious as to how this mess ended, I'll explain Part:The:Seventh. The screaming was Hawkman and Corsar getting the Nth Metal transfer. The booms were because Shayera sabotaged the equipment. The rumble was because the Aerie was heading into the sun. The sploosh was one of Hawkgirl's bodyguards exploding. The click was Shayera shoving Hawkman and Emma into an escape pod. The rest was Hawkman's reaction to his greatest love that he only just remembered sacrificing herself to save him. And then the ship was seen falling into the sun even though the sun was super far away as seen in the panel I scanned with Corsar checking up on The Flock.

The Savage Hawkman #15

DC, get your fucking act together. These guys aren't fighting each other in this comic book since they already fought each other in Hawkman #14 and Deathstroke #14. And it was the same fight!

I'm not surprised The Savage Hawkman is currently the worst New 52 comic book I'm reading when they still have Rob Liefeld's name on the cover. I think DC knows that this comic book is a complete fucking mess and they're still angry with the way things went down with Rob Liefeld, so they're leaving his name on the cover and leaving the story as confusing and horrible as possible. In other words, DC hates its fans and cares more about making Rob Liefeld look bad than giving its customers quality comic books.

Let me try to sum up the Hawkman:Wanted story: Hawkman and his girlfriend Whatshername captured Shayera, Xerxes, and Pike after they tried to kidnap him and haul him back to Thanagar for the murder of Prince Corsar. Up until the moment Hawkman met Shayera, he just thought he was some human archaeologist that ended up fused with his Nth Metal costume that he tried to burn back in the first issue. Meeting Shayera explains how he got the Nth Metal but it doesn't explain why he forgot who he was or why he wanted to burn the suit in the first place.

Anyway, forget all of that crap because it doesn't matter. Even the part where Hawkman captured everyone doesn't matter. After capturing them, Hawkman lets Shayera, Pike, and Xerxes go at the end of the issue. At the beginning of the next issue, Hawkman is trying to find Shayera so that she'll explain his place in the universe. Why he didn't ask her before letting her go is beyond me. Perhaps the stress of the situation got to him and he panicked. Because now he's after Shayera and Shayera is after him and Xerxes is after him and Pike is after him and this comic is just a pile of bullshit. Can we get a class action fraud lawsuit against DC for selling this as "entertainment" and "a comic book"?

Since Hawkman continuity can't even be kept issue to issue, I'm not sure that this issue will begin with Hawkman and Deathstork Deathstroke about to battle Xerxes and Pike. I'm assuming it will begin like that. But I've already proved that I'm an ass, so nothing is guaranteed.

At least Xerxes is still attacking them although I don't see Pike anywhere!

One of my favorite things is when the writers of comic books comment on their own comics so I don't have to!

I don't envy any of the creative team working on this comic book right now. I'm pretty sure none of them care and they all feel like they're still just cleaning up after Rob Liefeld.

Yeah, you could say that. I also wouldn't rule out "Most Ridiculous" or "Most Ridiculousest" or "Mosterest Ridiculouseresterest."

It's Narration Boxes like this that illuminate the lie of DC caring about continuity at all.

How can DC claim to have any continuity at all when a comic book series like Hawkman exists? What about continuity does DC actually care about? What are the editors of DC's comic books looking for when they try to help keep continuity straight? How can Hawkman make this statement without the reader believing that somebody has brain damage, either Hawkman or the writers or the editors.

First off, Hawkman was being attacked continuously before he even knew he was Thanagarian. People were after him for the Nth Metal which he was researching to find out what it meant to him and why he was linked to it. He easily refers to the Thanagarians as "my people" even though he only recently discovered he was one of them and, of course, it wasn't a big shocking reveal at all. He just somehow got his memories back and he went, "Oh yeah! That's me! And I'm not a murderer!"

On the other hand, I guess I could put this together if I squinted hard enough. So maybe I should just go with it and stop complaining! Tony S. Daniel had hinted that Carter Hall was someone named Katar Hol in one shadowy panel where an alien recognizes him (if I'm remembering correctly!). And the Nth Metal fusing to him was a huge surprising mess so it would lead him, an archaeologist, to go about looking for answers to its origin. It's just from there it devolved into everybody somehow knowing about the Nth Metal and wanting it. Liefeld lost the way because it was easier to simply write villains attacking Hawkman. Just like he wrote Deathstork Deathstroke having villains simply attacking him. And Grifter was a bit different where Daemonites kept attacking him.

Okay, so how about that? I've come to terms with this comic book! DC Continuity is safe for now because I squinted just right and ignored ever so slightly and took slight liberties with my rationality and logic. And voila! The Savage Hawkman!

Well, Pike maybe. But Xerxes doesn't even care about that! Remember? He wants your Nth Metal!

At this point, Pike and Deathstroke and Xerxes and Hawkman and the Warhawks begin fighting. Xerxe's squad of soldiers that arrived with them? I don't know what they're doing. Pizza and beer in New York is my guess. "Hey guys! I'm hungry! You think the bosses have this one handled?"

And handled they do! Pike and Deathstroke have one of those epically legendary fights that only come around once every fifteen years in comic books.

If only Stan Lee could create this kind of brilliant characterization! Pure poetry on the level of E. E. Cummings.

You! Pike!
By Frank Tieri

Please, stop
making me laugh,
Bro.
You made me swallow
my gum.
And good gum is hard to
AARGH!

While these two monsters stab each other with their mean-spirited words, a Warhawk grabs Hawkman by the neck and nearly declares the battle won! Please, sir. You aren't even a named villain! Hawkman tears his wings off and follows it up with a much needed double-splash page that, God fucking help me, actually feels the way this comic book should feel. For one brief moment in time, I like what I see! Savage Hawkman is savage! Deathstroke is being an irreverent dick. And I might have had a mini-stroke because, fuck me, I laughed at this. I'm not going to over analyze why I laughed at it. I don't think I have the fortitude for that kind of soul searching. But I did laugh at it.

Don't you fucking judge me!

I personally would have left the conversation on this page simply at Deathstroke saying, "Hey Xerox! Catch!" instead of having Xerxes correct him and Deathstroke saying, "Like it matters." But then I'm usually a less is more kind of guy which you probably couldn't tell with my long-ass commentary posts!

Perhaps this double splash page is a kind of gateway drug! I've seen that I can enjoy this senseless, mindless pablum if I'm in exactly the right state of mind! I'm actually kind of excited to read the rest of this comic book now!

Well there goes that feeling.

I actually had to look up "bird beating" to see if it was a real thing. You know, like bear baiting and dog fighting. Turns out it isn't although it did lead me to laugh until I cried after reading this horrible article. No, no. It's not that I get off on animals being harmed. It was the last sentence of this last paragraph: "Djuric was accused of beating the bird, a Heermann’s Gull, with a stick after the bird and another gull allegedly went after his and his wife’s ice cream on the boardwalk. The bird was so badly injured it had to be euthanized at the Huntington Beach Wetlands and Wildlife Station. The other gull escaped to the ocean and could not be located."

During the battle, Hawkman has a life changing realization. Why has he been poring over research texts and digging in dirt and translating ancient languages when that never fulfilled him? He thinks to himself, "It's only in battle that I am myself. That I know who and what I truly am." And it only took him 15 issues to figure out why the "Savage" belongs in the title! Yay!

Next issue: Hawkman murders jay walker!

But I'm not done with this issue yet! Pike and Xerxes escape but they leave a trail of blood through the sky for Deathstroke to follow. Hawkman heads off to find Shayera. They decide to meet up later.
Hawkman doesn't know where to look for Shayera so he just goes back to the safe house where Emma is waiting for him. And that's where he finds Shayera! Your homicidal princess queen ex-girlfriend is always in the last place you look.

It's in this confrontation that I realize I made a mistake during my earlier reading. I mentioned that the Warhawks were fighting with Pike and Xerxes and Xerxes army had disappeared. The creatures I thought were Warhawks were actually Xerxes' soldiers! I just didn't realize that they had wings like the Warhawks. I was wondering why the Warhawks were suddenly so ugly when they were more cleaned up and military in Green Arrow. I noticed because Hawkman makes a big deal about Shayera running around with Xerxes' thugs. I'm pretty sure this change was made so Hawkman could be more savage. While he was fighting the Warhawks, he was concerned about them simply doing their military job. But Xerxes' ugly ass monster soldiers are pure evil (apparently) and thus can be killed indiscriminately.

Excuse me but the Czarnians are already dead. Thank you.

Since Xerxes is here collecting the bounty that probably means Deathstroke is right around the corner ready to save Hawkman's life! Because he followed the trail of blood!

Except Deathstroke doesn't interrupt the meeting at all. Perhaps he's on Pike's trail. Or perhaps he'll show up next issue for the last part of Hawkman:Wanted to help save the day. The person that interrupts Hawkman's capture is none other than Prince Corsar himself! Super duper surprise twist!

Except for, you know, the part about everybody knowing this was going to happen.

Well then. If Corsar is alive then Katar Hol is innocent and he is now free to go! Everybody break it up! Move along! Nothing more to see here!

After Deathstroke and Hawkman defeat Corsar and Shayera apologizes to Katar Hol (even though Katar still maimed him horribly in the accident instead of killing him in the accident), will the story become a love triangle between Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Emma?

The Savage Hawkman #15 Rating: No change. I'm usually against writers coming on to a title and completely forgetting what's happened in previous issues and beginning the story from an entirely new place with a different theme and with the title character acting completely contrary to the way he or she's been acting up until then, but I think I'll let that slide on this title! Let's get a new writer on this thing to just start the mess over entirely. Perhaps this could all have been a dream he was dreaming while in a coma dealing with the Nth Metal fusing with his body after a hunter found him in the forest near death. I'm pretty sure that's what Ann Nocenti recommended to Rob Liefeld on this title. So I agree with Ann Nocenti! I think I did have a slight stroke earlier today.

Earth 2 #7

Hawkgirl really wants Alan to join her Society of Justice.

I wonder if the people of Earth 2 are constantly teased because they live on Earth Poop! That's because a Number Two is a Bowel Movement. I probably didn't need to explain that to anybody. That's like one of the first things toddlers learn after yelling "NO!" and slapping people in the face.

Speaking of bowel movements, I have a story that relates to both pooping and comic books! Remember in Pulp Fiction how John Travolta's character kept missing major moments in the movie because he was off taking a crap? He even ends up dying because he was in the bathroom missing out on life. My cousin used to refuse to go to the bathroom until he was nearly pissing himself when we were kids because he didn't want to miss out on any of the fun by being in the bathroom. So when Pulp Fiction came out, all I could think about was my cousin. But we need to use the toilet so much, my guess is that everybody's life is changed at one moment or another simply because they were in the bathroom. My moment was that I missed getting a job at a comic book store when I was in college at San Jose State. I was, um, making a Number Two when the comic shop called me back for the job. They left a message on the phone but when I was finally able to get back to them, nobody answered. By the time I did reach them, the job was filled.

I have a feeling this moment was actually a good one to miss. I would have been making minimum wage at a store that was half sports collectibles anyway. Working there, I wouldn't have been available when my friend Mike set me up with a job at his office installation company and I never would have ended up managing a warehouse on the Netscape Campus and saving a shit ton of money so I could travel cross country in my VW Bus and travel around Asia. So fuck you, comic book store that simply had to call me while I was pooping! I'm glad I missed that opportunity!

After that introduction to Earth 2, I'm expecting this comic to be shitty.

The Heroes of Earth 2 are much smarter than those idiots over on Earth New 52. I don't know what Earth the main Earth is because DC has been putting out those Earth 1 comic books and those certainly don't take place on the Earth of the New 52!

I wonder if Etrigan poops? I don't think Superman or Supergirl need to poop unless they eat. So Superman probably poos all of the time because he's trying to live a normal human life as Clark Kent. I wonder if his poops are super dense? Can Earth plumbing even handle them? Maybe they can be used as fuel like Nibbler's poops on Futurama! What about The Flash? Can he poo really fast? I bet because his system is so sped up, when he needs to pee or poo, he probably only has seconds before getting to the bathroom! I wonder if Hawkgirl ever flies up really high and just drops one over the city?

Technically, you do "do team." You're the CEO of Global Broadcasting. The entire company is your "team." You couldn't do it without them. Jerk!

Alan Scott was so angry about Sam's death, he trashed his apartment before the comic book began. Hawkgirl noticed so when Alan won't join the team, she pisses him off even more and flies away. That must be why they fight! Because Kendra is being a total hawkbitch by shooting a crossbow bolt into a picture of Sam and Alan.

Meanwhile, the world's smartest man, Terry Sloan, has been made head of the World Science Directive. This has pissed off Amar Khan who is head of the World Army or something like that. Amar thinks Sloan is a psychopath and an asshole and an arrogant bastard, so he's keeping a whole lot of eyes on him. I don't know who Amar Khan is but he's probably someone from the Justice Society. Maybe he's a new Doctor Fate. Whoever he is, he's sent Wesley Dowd and his Sandmen to check out one of Terry Sloan's secret bases. Maybe they'll find Mister Terrific.

Even on Earth 2, you can't have Paris without the Eiffel Tower.

Oh look. They found Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific's balls have definitely seen better days.

Mister Terrific seems to be under mind control by Sloan. The Sandmen put him to sleep and taken him prisoner. Is Mister Terrific ever going to appear in an issue of Earth 2 where he doesn't get his ass kicked, get knocked unconscious, and then get taken prisoner? I think he's probably way down around the sixteenth smartest person now.

Some more bickering and arguing finishes out the issue. But more importantly, an unfinished female Red Tornado promises to be up and running soon. It was began by Amar Khan and his team but they've had trouble with it so Terry Sloan and his techs are going to fix her up. That means Red Tornado will probably be made to do horrible things for Sloan but it will retain whatever sense of right and justice Amar Khan instilled in it. You know? Just like the original Red Tornado created by T.O. Morrow!

Earth 2 #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Alan Scott and Kendra Munoz-Saunders never fight in the sky like the cover depicted. But that's a good thing! Who needs more heroes battling each other? I enjoyed the pacing of this issue. A lot of people trying to outmaneuver a lot of other people and a half-finished female robot and lots and lots of pooping.