Earth 2 #16

How long is a populace going to obey a Trickster God when every command is just going to end in somebody sitting on a whoopee cushion? Although it's yet to be proven in clinical trials, fart noises do eventually stop being funny.

Remember when there were comic books that were about ongoing stories and were not about villains that had hardly been showcased yet in The New 52? Those times are back again! At least for a month before everything goes Year Zero on us. So enjoy it while it lasts! I'll enjoy it later when I read a good comic book. Until then, I'll read the mediocre comic book that is Earth 2!

This is how the issue begins:

Aww. It looks like somebody was all ready to pose for a lenticular cover and didn't get a callback.

The next two pages show the World Army assaulting Dherain and Steppenwolf too! Which, if you're keeping track with a calculator (I don't expect you to do math in your head), that makes two panels in three pages. I suddenly have a tremendous pain in my wallet and a burning hatred and resentment for DC Comics and James Robinson. Don't take your quarrel out on me by giving me less story! I want to see lots and lots of words! And also lots and lots of Nicola Scott's artwork. And having her copy and paste a bunch of World Army ships across two pages isn't what I paid for! Well, I guess it is what I paid for. But it's not what I would have paid for if I had any dignity! Although she did draw all the little tiny individual people that just look like crucified rocketeers. That's cute.

Well trepan me and fuck me directly in the nucleus accumbens! Page four and five are ANOTHER double page spread! So that's three panels across five pages! Everything in this story so far could have played out in one page. A single page! Hell, a single page by Keith Giffen would have three times as many panels as have been in the first five pages of this comic book so far! If anybody is out there...if anybody is reading these words, I convey this warning: do not purchase Earth 2 #16 at cover price! Haggle it down to at least 50% off! The first seven pages with ten panels amount to five words: Steppenwolf defeats the World Army. Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words was 9,995 words off the mark.

So, you know, Steppenwolf and his Hunger Dogs (Beguiler, Bedlam, and Brutaal) defeat the World Army. I guess that means The Wonders need to buck up and try again! Although Steppenwolf could have defeated everybody on Earth 2 if he'd just killed the Wonders after defeating them the first time. Oh, I guess two other people survived the massacre.

Commander Khan and Mister Terrific.

Meanwhile the Wonders are busy picking their asses up off the ground and scraping together the shredded remains of their dignity. They're also, like me, wondering why they were left to live. I'm sure Steppenwolf has plans for them although Steppenwolf really should have grown up reading more comic books. Then he'd know that leaving the heroes alive is always a huge mistake. I suppose they didn't have many comic books on Apokolips, so he couldn't learn that lesson. But you know what they did have on Apokolips? A woman named Kaiyo! And since she's on the cover and she wants to see Darkseid's defeat, perhaps it was one of her tricks or pranks that caused The Hunger Dogs to think that the Wonders had been killed.

The Justice Society is coming along nicely! Except for that second Sandman wannabe jerk. I suppose this team needs at least one Red Shirt to keep things exciting with his horrible death when they face The Hunger Dogs again.

Wesley Sandman Dodds gets a radio communication from Commander Khan asking that they help save and evacuate any survivors. The not quite the Justice Society head into Dherain and most do just that. Except for Alan Scott who decides it would be best if he faced Steppenwolf one on one. Except Steppenwolf doesn't exactly like the one on one math, so Brutaal comes in to help double team Alan Scott, and not in a pleasant, ecstasy-induced encounter in the quiet room at a rave kind of double team. No, this is more like a bunch of frat guys that desperately need to be liked by anyone at all and, smelling weakness on all of themselves, join together for some male bonding by beating the shit out of whichever one of them they all somehow instinctively decide to beat the shit out of. That comparison was as tortured as a frat guy's declaration of his heterosexuality.

Come on, Mister Terrific! Show Steppenwolf your balls!

Mister Terrific isn't the man to finally stop Steppenwolf. And why should he be? He hasn't done shit since he's come to Earth 2! DC makes a big fucking deal that Mister Terrific was going to wind up on Earth 2 after his comic book was canceled and then he just hung around in Sloan's basement for a dozen issues. Which is fitting, I guess, since Terry Sloan was the original Mister Terrific. Maybe they were comparing notes. Or balls. Or something.

No, no. Instead of Mister Terrific (or any of the not-quite-yet Justice Society members, for that matter) ending Steppenwolf's reign, it's Brutaal that strikes. You know why?

Remember the fucking cover, assholes? It's Kaiyo!

Or, um, Superman? No, no. I saw the cover! It's just Kaiyo playing a trickster trick!

I suppose I could have misinterpreted the cover even though I am a Master Comic Book Reader. Look, Superman doesn't even have his spit curl here! I'm pretty sure he has that spit curl on every Earth. He even has it on the cover! Which, you know, isn't even him! Although I was wondering how Kaiyo could have been here and trapped in the Omega Room on Earth Prime at the same time. Although she did escape in the last issue of Vibe. And Boom Tubing is tricky when it comes to time and what is the correlation between Earth 2 and Earth Prime's times anyway? Why am I even debating if it's actually Superman or Kaiyo when I could just turn the page and find out!

Superman (Kaiyo!) blasts a huge rift in the Earth with his Omega Beam Heat Vision Eyeballs as the Wonders and the last of the survivors retreat to safety. And this issue had two extra pages in it, so I forgive DC and James Robinson for the slow start! So if you ran out and didn't buy this comic book based on my earlier recommendation, I'm changing that and suggesting that if you like reading Earth 2, maybe it's okay to go out and buy this issue.

Earth 2 #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, fuck it. I enjoyed this issue. And I suppose that Superman isn't Kaiyo at all even though the cover is awfully deceiving in that it looks quite a bit like Kaiyo. This Superman could be whatever Darkseid had been working on in his Superman Corpse Lab on Apokolips. It might be a mutated version of Earth 2's Superman with some parts stuck on it from the Supermen of many other Earths!

Or it could, you know, be Kaiyo.

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Earth 2 #9

Jay Garrick's costume is awful. Hopefully this cover is Dr. Fate removing Jay Garrick from reality so he can find a new haberdasher.

Previously in Earth 2, The Justice Society still hadn't formed yet. It's hard to organize a group of super heroes when you don't have Batman to do it for you. Hawkgirl is trying to organize this group while she's busy trying not to get caught by the World Army for desertion and being an uppity woman. I bet the Justice Society would have formed a lot quicker if Sam hadn't been killed in that horrible refrigerator crash in China. He probably could have taken the place of Sue Dibny and organized everything and signed leases for a headquarters and sent out cute little evites to potential members. He'd probably start a Tumblr with candid pictures of behind the scenes glimpses of the Justice Society, like Alan whipping up some lightly buttered pasta for an upcoming meeting or Wildcat spraying air freshener in the bathroom. But that didn't happen so now I'm stuck reading about how all the Justice Society Members eventually meet and become friends. Or at least co-workers. And boy do I hate reading stories!

Hawkgirl is currently trying to talk the meat puppet of the helmet of Nabu into donning the fucking thing and becoming useful to everybody.

Well that explains how Kendra knew what she knew. But now where did the Helmet of Nabu come from? Did an Egyptian God visit Khalid in the same way a Roman God visited Jay Garrick?

Hawkgirl received her wings at the same time Khalid received the helmet. Did all the wonders receive their super powers from retreating Gods on Earth 2? How is the Atheist Mr. Terrific going to react to this? I suppose he'll just decide that the "gods" were merely aliens and the gifts they bestowed technology of such advancement as to seem magical. And then he'll see a ghost and point out how it's probably an old man in a mask with a projector. And then they'll see a UFO and he'll point out how it's somebody's brother with a slide whistle and a flashlight. And pretty soon everyone will get sick and tired of his logic and rationality that don't make any fucking sense when applied to comic book reality and they'll send him back to Earth 0.

Khalid is still somehow attuned to the helmet and he still can hear the voice of Nabu in his head. Hawkgirl convinces him to go hang out with Jay Garrick while she deals with the Green Lantern problem. You know the problem? How he said no to her invitation? What a jerk. Anyway, as Khalid is following Jay, Nabu is speaking to him about being scared and Nabu refers to Hawkgirl as the Warrior of Horus. So she's the new Horus. Jay is the new Mercury. Alan Scott is the new Mother Nature. And Khalid is who? Just an ancient mystic named Nabu? Perhaps from Atlantis? Or is a God involved with his power as well?

I like the idea that all the new Wonders on Earth 2 have had their powers handed down to them by dying Gods or Gods heading off to fight in some great war (Ragnarok?). Maybe Earth 2 is just a giant simulation built to test the strength of Mr. Terrific's beliefs! And he'll figure out it's a simulation but won't tell anyone because he enjoys the challenge it provides.

While Jay Garrick is visiting his mother and Khalid is spying on him from the bushes, Dodds and his Sandmen descend on the house to try and capture him. Apparently the people of this world aren't total morons when it comes to figuring out secret identities. Maybe that's the main difference between Earth 2 and Earth 0. Maybe I should call "Earth 0" "Earth Prime" just like in the good old days! Whenever those days were. How should I remember? They've all pretty much actually sucked until now.

The Atom has also been brought along to help capture The Flash which doesn't seem like the best idea since The Flash has already kicked his ass once before. So now Wesley Dodds needs to figure out the easiest way to get The Flash to slow down.

This plan just seems like a reason for The Flash to run faster. I'm pretty sure he could disarm Dodds before Dodds can begin blow drying Jay's mom's hair.

Instead of saving the day, Jay Garrick panics and gets kicked in the face. Since Jay is a lousy super hero, Khalid has to step up and save Garrick's mom. He ignores Nabu and the helmet of Fate (even my muscle memory is juvenile! It tried to type helmet of Fart!) and opts to just smash Dodds in the back of the head with a two by four. During the distraction, Jay collects his mom and Khalid and begins running away. But that isn't fast enough. So Khalid teleports them to safety.

Or someone else teleported them. Perhaps Nabu since they end up in his realm. Or maybe this guy:

Why do I suddenly have the feeling a card battle is about to take place?

Earth 2 #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. It doesn't really matter if the Justice Society ever forms in The New 52 because it's simply enjoyable reading how all of the Wonders have come into existence and their interactions with each other. Although I imagine the great crisis that's been foretold by Mercury and Doctor Fate will eventually bring them all together. Even the World Army will have to join forces with Green Lantern and the other super kids. Although I am looking forward to a point in The New 52 where things finally feel fully established and each of the heroes have a decent amount of history and stories behind them.