Dial E #1

Least threatening cover of Villains Month.

The issue begins with some young kids that act as couriers for some gang members stealing a Dial from them. One of them dials 0,8,3,3 to transform into Suffer Kate. Get it? She suffocates things and her name is Kate and people suffer when they suffocate! But I don't know what 0,8,3,3 is supposed to spell! ZUDE? OPERATOR TED? OBEE?

After Suffer Kate, the kid turns into a racist Russian Folk Legend.

The youths are just using the Dial to commit petty burglaries and to cause a bunch of chaos. The original thugs give chase and more forms are taken as they all battle for the Dial. It looks like a different artist on every page. Is it Dial E for Everybody? Maybe every page has a different writer as well although I'm fairly certain it's just China Mieville.

I think it's Dial E for Exquisite Corpse. Exquisite Corpses are when one person begins a drawing and then hides all but the scantest of an edge. The next person takes over the drawing basing their drawing on the lines and colors that they can see from the previous artist. It's possible this version in Dial E just had Mieville send out one page of the script (each one with a new Dial Character) to a whole bunch of different artists with some character designs for the main kids running through the issue so the reader wouldn't be thoroughly confused. But I'm not so certain that the story is going to be all that important to the overall New 52. It's just a little artsty fartsy fun being had.

After a bunch of nonsense, a familiar face shows up to retrieve the Dial.

Aha! The guy the Dial Evil Dial was created for!

The Human Centipede eventually gets the Dial away from the kids when the last one is unable to use it because she isn't bad enough. Turns out the Dial is Dial Q for Qued because is a Middle English word for Evil. Which is why this issue is called Dial Q. Oh wait. Whatever. He's stopped on the last page because The Human Centipede with a Dial is just way too fucking powerful now, isn't he?

It's Rescue Jack's teammate! But is it really her? Or is it a Dial Version? It is a mystery to discover in Dial H, Volume 2!

Dial E #1 Ranking: Um. Yeah. Let China have his fun since he did a terrific job on the regular series. But this didn't really have much of anything to add except a couple of pages of bridging story for whenever Dial H returns. If ever.

Dial H #15

Everybody in creation versus The Human Centipede!

I have an issue with Nelson's rotary phone dial. Now I'm not an expert on telephones but I was alive during the transition from rotary phones to push button phones. And, as far as I know, rotary phones never had the asterisk or the pound sign (also known as the number sign or hash sign if you're one of those weirdos that live somewhere other than North America. Weirdos!). Weren't those introduced for use in the push button phones? After push button dialing came about, did people begin to design rotary phones with those symbols on them? Would they even have been any use since a rotary phone would just make more clicking noises?! And even if they were added to a rotary phone, they couldn't take up the "1" and the "2" position since that would change the whole analog system, wouldn't it? Like I said, I'm not Phonologist or anything! But Nelson's dial is stupid.

Perhaps because they're alien, it doesn't fucking matter. Maybe they were set up to make Tweeting via the dial easier. "LOST IN SYSTEM WITH MULTIPLE BLACK HOLES #FUCKED #RACIST #SORRYNOTSORRY". Now I'm wondering why so many dials are so specific. Why doesn't one dial do everything? If all the Dial does is dial SIDE or HERO or GEAR, can't it just be a button you press? You'd think each Dial should be capable of Dialing all of those things! That makes fucking sense. I suppose you can't just hand out Dials that Dial an Apocolypse to just anybody. But there must be Master Dials that can dial a whole bunch of different things. I'd at least think that they'd be like ranks. So the most minimal Dial maybe dials GEAR. Then the next Dial up could dial GEAR and SIDE. Then a HERO Dial could dial HERO and the other two. I wonder if there is a Medic Dial that dials LIFE?

Last issue, The Dial Posse (minus a few members) finally arrived at The Hub where The Switchboard is located. Unless it was called something else. Waiting for them was The Human Centipede. Dwan changes from Eye Spy to Balls Out to get the ball rolling on this final issue of the Dial H canon (I won't accept any more Dial H stories unless they're written by China Mieville!).

Don't think I won't fill this entire commentary full of intended puns! And unintended puns as well! And well tended puns while we're at it!

And so the battle between people who feed off of other people's powers and a person who feeds from the bowels of the person in front of him begins! You know, The Dial Bunch versus The Human Centipede!

In past battles, The Human Centipede has been able to outmaneuver any power used against him by creating duplicates. But this time, he goes up against Water Tower who is able to flood the flood of Centipedes and drown a good portion of them. The Human Centipede also faces Secret Faction who causes dissent and confusion with a person's own mind. This causes The Human Centipede's dopplegangers to gang up on each other. At a loss as to how he'll win the battle, The Human Centipede calls for his girlfriend, The Fixer, to save him.

Whoops! That's the Pre-Crisis on Infinite Earth's version of The Fixer's first form. Let me find the Modern one.

There she is! Note the more modern sound effect!

The Fixer has the ability to transform into a hero with whatever power she needs. After Exhaust blackens the air, The Fixer transforms into Lampoon. That's a naked man with an enormous flashlight where you'd expect it to be who also has a lava lamp head and two table lamps for hands and, probably, campfires for feet.

When Secret Faction tries to invade The Fixer's head, The Fixer turns into Uranus Face which deflects Secret Faction's powers. The Fixer than goes on the offensive, changing into Kitten's Mortal Enemy and finally into Blow Job. Blow Job and The Human Centipede kidnap Nelson and run off with him to The Exchange. Oh! I bet that's what I meant when I said Switchboard earlier! The Dial Bunch head after them and discover The Exchange for themselves.

Who would have expected the Exchange to have changed so much?

The Exchange is so beat up, you've got to believe that The Dials are only channeling from very few worlds out of the infinity of them in the Universe. So if The Exchange could be fixed, The Dials would be even more powerful. But the reason The Exchange was destroyed was probably the result of the Dial Wars. I suspect the worlds being tapped by the Dials weren't at all happy about what was happening and teamed up to destroy The Exchange. Which is probably why "O" is handing out Apocalypses to every world that participated in the war. Because they destroyed his Grand Experiment. But what is The Fixer's role? Is The Fixer actually fixing everything? Or just cleaning up the mess and trying to shut the whole Goddamn thing down?

I guess that settles that! They're a team of super jerks! The Fixer is currently BDSM Doomsday.

The Operator is ending worlds with a Doom Dial. He also mentions a J-Dial which must be a Joke, Jape, or Jest Dial! Must there be a Dial for every letter? Dial "A" for Anal? Dial "B" for Boon? Dial "C" for Card? Because you need a Dial for those long road trips and Dial "G" is already taken by Gear so it can't be Game. Oh wait. The J-Dial is for Journey or Jaunt. What four letter "J" word for travel am I missing? Maybe it's simply Dial "J" for Jump.

A little exposition later, Nelson and I finally understand the relationship of these three antagonists. The Fixer was an Operator himself and had been hunting "O" to shut him down and stop him from destroying worlds. But she was lost until she met The Human Centipede who had the knowledge to lead The Fixer back to The Exchange. The Human Centipede was looking for The Exchange to get a Dial "E" for Evil dial since he couldn't Dial "H" for Hero, what with him being a rotten jerkface and all. I haven't gotten to the part of the explanation where The Fixer explains why she's now working for "O".

And then The Fixer turns into a psychic Narwhal and tells the history of The Exchange. Turns out it's simply an allegory for downloading music and movies on the internet. "We weren't stealing! We were just making copies!" But the MPAA and the RIAA didn't appreciate people making copies of things on which they had an intellectual copyright! So war broke out and one Operator decided to destroy everything rather than deal with the Material Protection Alterity Army and the Rapid Interreality Assault Alliance. He made a Dial that would destroy everything.

Which it didn't actually do. What did happen was that "O" disappeared and with him, blown across universes and galaxies and time, all the broken dials from The Exchange.

And now that The Fixer has found her world lost, she's all for killing everybody! Why the fuck not?

As Nelson learns everything he needs to know about The Fixer during a time when The Fixer was supposed to be learning everything Nelson knows before killing him, The Dial Bunch make there way into The Exchange via an Open Window. Inside, Roxie finds a working "H" Dial. One that doesn't emulate powers randomly but in much the same way The Fixer's works. She'll be able to Dial exactly what she needs. She also finds some instructions and a Compendium of, I'm assuming, personae to choose from! Which is exactly what it is as Bansa tells Roxie the code to turn into a specific hero to take on The Human Centipede. I think it's Laxative Lass or something.

Nelson manages to turn The Fixer back against "O" but it doesn't help much. "O" can turn the Dials on and off while The Human Centipede protects "O" from simply getting his teeth knocked out since Nelson or Roxie could easily take him in a fist fight. The Dial Posse need to retreat and come up with another plan before "O" destroys any more worlds. They'll probably stop him but according to next month's Dial "E" book, they won't stop "O" before he creates a dial for The Human Centipede.

Roxie has one of those super secret plans that she won't let the reader in on so the reader is just as surprised when it works as the antagonist. She's working on a special Dial for Nelson since Roxie and Bansa probably have the most knowledge about the Dials of anybody in the Universe not from The Exchange. Just as she finishes, The Human Centipede appears with his E-Dial. Which means not only can he Dial "E" for Evil--every single one of his copies can Dial "E" as well!

This must be why Dial "E" is taking over Justice League. He's a pretty serious threat now! Not that he was a pushover before.

And then Roxie's idea is revealed as Nelson dials her new Dial: Dial "M" for Mashup. Let's see the Record Industry Lost Operator stop this shit, bitches! And Roxie knocks out The Human Centipede and steals his Dial. She has another plan that she's not talking about. So while Nelson goes through form after form of mashed-up prior personalities, Roxie and Open Window Man head off to end the comic book. Meanwhile, The Lost Operator uses a broken Dial because it doesn't matter what he turns into. Operators have amplifiers. Which explains why The Fixer was so powerful. She could choose whatever form she wanted and increase its power!

Roxie's plan turns out to mash-up the Operator since his power if amplified and it'll send him out of control.

Maybe this is why Dial "E" ends up in Justice League!

"O" disappears in a crack of lightning, along with the E-Dial and The Centipede. Open Window Man, Nelson, Dwan, and Roxie are all stranded in The Exchange. I didn't forget Bansa! He died! Now they'll have to spend their down time researching the Dials. I suppose the down time will be as long as it takes for some editor to decide fans are ready for a Dial "H" mini-series.

Dial H #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope you Goddamned internet pirates have learned a valuable lesson from this! Don't steal music! Except The Exchange were not actually bad guys, they were just misunderstood. So maybe the lesson to be learned is to pirate music and movies all you want because fuck Corporate America! Except the good guys were represented by individuals who sometimes really did have things stolen from them and thus had a real reason to stop The Exchange! So the lesson was to not steal music and comic books from creators because when they make less money from their creations, you'll never get more creations from those creators! Unless the lesson was that a lot more people were reading Dial H than the profit on it would show which is why the book was cancelled even though it should have been making a lot more money than it was so fuck all of you assholes that downloaded and read Dial H illegally because now I don't get to read it any more! Unless the lesson was that there wasn't a lesson and no allegory existed and we should just enjoy the story on the topmost level where the words and the pictures were. Or maybe the lesson was that there was another socio-economic allegory in the story that I completely missed because I was too busy making up stupid names for the characters that were never named, like Lampoon and Blow Job!

Dial H #14

This Issue: Nelson uses the Dial to become The Remover of Obstacles and defeats The Human Centipede on Frog World.

I think this comic is going to end next month. And I hope China Mieville plans to cliffhanger the fuck out of it. I don't want any nicely wrapped up story here! This book is too good to tie a bow on and hope the characters will return in some shape or form in DC's future. This thing needs to end in the middle of some serious fucking chaos. China needs to full blown Twin Peaks this shit! Do not go gently into cancellation, China! Fuck DC! I don't care if this comic book was losing money. As a company, you don't kill a comic that fans can point to and say, "See? DC isn't all about Scott Lobdell's jizz splashed across twenty pages (not counting ads)!"

Wow. If you could only see the fireworks going off in my brain and all the different things I wanted to start saying about Scott Lobdell, you'd cheer and applaud and think the country just celebrated another birthday already. But I don't want to get sidetracked talking about the luckiest mother fucker to work in comic books. ((The previous open parantheses (the one before the last one) indicates whispering!) he's lucky because he's talentless and has had a really long career!) I wonder if I really should have ended a whispered sentence with an explanation point?

The Frogs of Frog World look a tad bit different than on the cover. It's understandable. Brian Bolland is probably one of those cover artists that nobody dares to give art direction. "Shhh! Don't bother him! He's channeling genius!"

Nelson and Dwan have helped the Frog People by killing a Giant Fly that probably eats frogs. It also seems to have killed my favorite character in the Dial Bunch, Ejad the Robot Dandy. Stupid China Mieville! I'm glad your stupid comic book is getting cancelled! I'm going to write a letter threatening your life just like rabid fans did back in the seventies when Peter Parker's girlfriend Gwen "two first names" Stacy was killed! And Ejad was a much better character! You might agree with me if I let you read all of my Ejad fan-fic I wrote last month!

Now that Ejad is dead, my favorite character in the book is the Frog Kid.

The Dial Bunch are on the trail of The Fixer but it's slow going because they haven't been able to repair the Jump Dial. So they're just following whatever leads they can and, apparently, losing their best members through carelessness and horrible writing and stupid authors who can't see when they've struck gold with a character! If that monster China can kill a sweet, witty, sexpot of a robot like Ejad, who isn't he willing to kill? I bet the Dial Bunch land on a world filled with slaughtered kittens next!

See?! He's a fucking monster! I just declared Frog Kid my new favorite Dial H character and you foreshadow this shit?! China, did you make a bet with someone that you could become more despised than Scott Lobdell? You better get your act together, sir!

Why does the Frog Kid have mammaries? Frogs aren't mammals! Hey, Jim Shooter, what do you have to say about that?

Jim Shooter: "Fucking artists! Can't they do a little GD research once in awhile? They're all so lazy. This one time, I was writing a story about the Legion of Super-heroes. I was just fifteen but I was writing for DC, so that meant I was writing stories at least two or three years more mature than the other writer's stories. Anyway, I told the artist, "Look! Night Girl and Shadow Lass are fighting in the dark. I want five pages of black panels!" And what does the artist do? FIVE SLIGHTLY OFF-BLACK SPLASH PAGES! Can we get some panel breaks to support the flow of dialogue?! And what's with the off-black?! I said black, you moron! Ugh. What was that you were saying about frogs and titties?"

Thanks, Uncle Jim! You should guest star on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm sometime! I sense a little chemistry there!

So the Dial Bunch head through a portal to another world. But before we leave Frog World and Ejad's body behind, I want to show you a drawing from one of my fan-fic's starring him! As a memorial!

Spoiler Warning: He touches it! He also snakes it. With his penis.

After the Dial Bunch leave Frog World, they end up in a world flooded by The Fixer and The Human Centipede (probably. I'm making assumptions! Because I like making an "ass" out of "u" and "mptions"!). A tidal wave is about to overwhelm the building they're on, so they Dial a portal to a new world. But only half of them escape! Yabaa, Nem, and Unbled don't make it. And then on the new world, Nelson, Roxie, Open-Window Man, Bansa, and Dwan are attacked by living weapons of war. Nelson turns into Moon Monkey and Roxie turns into Pipe Cleaner to defend themselves.

Except what good is a Pipe Cleaner? My cat defeats two or three of those every day. The Dial Bunch are captured so that the Weapons of War can question them by giving them as much information as they can. The Weapons of War aren't very good at the interrogating prisoners part of war.

Next there's a near prison break-out and then a zombie apocalypse and then an invader from another world. I guess China wanted the readers to realize that a great load of shit was about to hit a great number of fans. Hey! That's what happens every month that Teen Titans hits the newstands!

The cosmic invader is "O", the Great and Powerful. "O" probably stands for "operator" and not that other "O" word that everybody thinks of when they hear "O" because it's so much better. No, not Oprah, you jerk.

Holy shit! There's an Apocalypse Dial?! Shit is fucked up.

For the time being, everybody is safe because "O" lost his connection and his apocalypses disappeared. But he's probably busy dialing up a Plague of Toads in Frog World! My poor Frog Kid is going to die from warts!

Luckily for everybody, the Weapons of War, having some experience with the Dials in the Great Exchange Rate War, fixed the Jump Dial. Now this half of the Dial Bunch use it to head to the Exchange and finally put an end to this chaos.

When they arrive at The Exchange, they're greeted by smoke, ruins, and The Human Centipede. He's got some things to say. But not until next issue.

Dial H #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let me put the pieces together now and explain what's going on. A long time ago, there was a War of the Dials. They called them the Dial Wars. The President of The Exchange, "O", sold shares of super powers to various people on various planets. But when it was discovered those shares weren't shares at all but steals, the people asked for their money back. But "O" didn't want to give them any money back and instead decided to show those uppity customers some what for. So "O" decided to Strike Back and she sent her Dial Agents in to collect some bills. Nobody wanted to pay, so there was War. Destruction ravaged much of the universe and "O" lost a lot of power and money. So now "O" is going down her database of customers and dialing an Apocalypse for each of them because The Exchange has really, really poor customer service protocols. But "O" didn't expect the Return of the Dial Bunch! And "O"'s little sidekick, The Human Centipede, looks like he may have had a change of heart when he realized his girlfriend was out to destroy the universe, one apocalypse at a time. Later, we'll get some prequels and some cartoons and maybe a Holiday Special too. I'm looking forward to it!

Dial H #13

I just tried this and it doesn't work. I probably should have used chalk instead of a Sharpie.

This is a comic book. That's a book with pictures and words. Pictures are visual representations of other visual things. Words are symbolic representations of abstract ideas or physical things. Words are composed of letters. Letters are merely symbolic pictures representing sounds. Sounds are symbolic noises representing things or ideas. Abstract ideas are things that your cat doesn't ever think about because it has no language and thus no way to internalize a thought about those things. Or perhaps it does think about things like hatred and arrogance but since it doesn't have language, it has no way to represent these ideas internally or externally. How would we think differently if we weren't taught language when we are young? I suppose nobody would spend any money on therapists.

What am I talking about? Why aren't I writing my commentary as I usually do? Maybe the Dial I drew on my wall actually worked! I'm losing myself in another voice! But I'm still kind of here as well! I need something like Manteau's cloak to keep me grounded in my normal identity!

Yeah, that'll work. Also, displaying proudly my shirt that declares I'm not illiterate!

Now that I don't have to worry about losing myself in whatever super hero I'm channeling, I can begin reading the comic book!

I will be scanning the first page because it is a marvelous rendering of childhood pictographs. But because I just inserted a picture a scant few lines above what you are currently reading, I feel the need to vamp for a bit to increase the negative space between visual representations of the story. Most of these sentences filled with words and letters are merely filler anyway. It is the revelation of the monthly plot that you are most likely interested in because it will save you two dollars and nintety-nine cents to get the information from me. By the way, money is a symbolic representation of perceived value. Since it is highly unlikely that anybody will be willing to part with four pints of beer directly for your ability to interpret tax law, money acts as an intermediary proof that you have performed valuable services for somebody somewhere and are, in fact, due four pints of beer. The man pouring your four pints of beer will receive money from the man selling the four pints of beer for the service of inebriating a good percentage of the city. But since not everybody in the city is an inebriate, the tender of the bar probably cannot get his toilet unclogged by directly pouring beer for the plumber. Yes, it's highly probably that that exchange will actually work. But perhaps if the tender of the bar needs his prostate examined, he would be better off exchanging currency.

Although the term "currency" brings up an interesting tangle, especially since I invoked the medical profession. Here money is rarely exchanged and we, as citizens, generally get by with insurance cards. To gain an insurance card, we continuously pay an insurance company in exchange for paying exorbitant fees to the medical professionals. Interestingly enough, the insurance companies pay much smaller fees for the same procedures that would drive us into bankruptcy if we had to pay with currency from our own pockets. Occasionally, an insurance company that we have been loyal to for many years, giving them many of our dollars and cents, decides we aren't worth their help and they terminate our relationship just when we need them most. Many people in our country argue violently to maintain this lopsided relationship in which they have no power because they believe the rhetoric that nationalized healthcare will wind up with people not being treated. And most people would rather not be treated by medical professionals because they can't afford it than to not be treated by medical professionals in a hypothetical situation that will never actually come to pass.

Okay, that's enough negative space. Here's the first page of this comic book that is simply adorable and chilling at the same time. Like a baby dressed as a shark!

It's Captain America's origin story!

Open-Window Man is observing this chalk scene representation of an event that happens on every world he's been to. And he finds, every time, he's too late to do anything about it. Was Open-Window Man the orphan on his world? Did the same thing happen to him? And when the American flag flew in the open window, did he just see the event differently than Captain America saw it? So instead of seeing an American flag as a symbol to terrify those that would scoff at laws, Open-Window Man saw an opportunity to transport himself, like the American flag, from outside to inside! Exactly what a hero would want to be able to do! Who in their right mind would want to be the American flag?!

As Open-Window Man watches the chalk figure boy cry his eyes out over his dead parents (remembering all the while that these chalk figures are merely representations of a thug murdering a man and a woman without a pearl necklace), the chalk boy begins speaking to him (so forget that part about remembering these figures being a representation!). It asks for his help and then the conversation is interrupted by the title of this comic book, "Tekel Upharsin."

Being that I don't know Hebrew, I decided to consult Lord Google who I was assured knew Hebrew! But he knew it too well and kept expecting me to understand the meaning of the pictorial representations of the sounds of the language. He even offered to let me hear the sounds uttered but I didn't think that would do me any good. So instead, I donned on my swamp pants and waded into Wikipedia. Wikipedia told me that the phrase "Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin" was written on the wall of Babylonian King Belshazzar's palace during a drunken orgy where some sacred vessels stolen from a Solomon's Temple were totally Two Girled, One Cupped. The literal translation seems to just be a list of measures of currency but the interpreted translation meant that Babylon was fucked.

Let me interrupt myself for a second to say, "Holy fucking shit. I can't believe all my bullshit on symbols and language and currency actually ended up being perfect commentary for the title of the comic book that I had yet to read." I now return you to the not-so-regularly scheduled reading.

Anyway, the "Tekel Upharsin" stuff seems to be the etymology of the term "the writing on the wall." I think that's what China Mieville is getting at. Imminent doom! As in, this fucking book has been cancelled, bitches!

As the graffiti story continues with Open-Window Man watching, I realize Open-Window Man probably caused the American flag that Captain America takes inspiration from. Being that the American Flag came in through an open window and Open-Window Man is watching Captain America's life pass him by, it makes sense that he would help him in some, small ways. Also, he's probably watching the Preboot Captain America!

A bunch of other DC heroes can hear and see them too! Like Scarlet Witch and Iron Man and Thor and Thunderbolt and Moon Knight too!

While Open-Window Man helps train little Captain America, Nelson and Roxie and the rest of the Dial Bunch hang out and watch other Graffiti heroes or talk Dial Politics or chat about the inclement orange weather. They're also trying to get their hands on a Dial that Captain Random stole from The Fixer when The Fixer came to turn off Captain Random's Dial. This is a J-Dial. A Jump Dial. It's used to travel between worlds and Captain Random's stealing it as she died caused The Fixer to lose her ability to travel easily between worlds. The Dial Bunch would like to get their hands on it so they can travel right to The Fixer's home and defeat her. But there's a singularly single problem that everybody has probably already guessed by now.

I could visit this planet with a full bladder and become their big company-wide crossover supervillain: The Piss Eraser!

Open-Window Man continues to train little Captain America as he explains to him why they need to stop The Fixer and her romantic interest The Human Centipede. Little Captain America wonders how they know The Human Centipede is going to do bad things. So Open-Window man describes the movie and its sequel to him and Little Captain America agrees they must be stopped. But he's still too nice so Open-Window Man hatches the plan I knew he would hatch because Master Comic Book Reader over here!

I hope he drew the American flag correctly as it came through the open window!

This issue is all about explication. Occasionally comic books resort to a story like that, perhaps because a writer is leaving and he wants to lay down some history no matter how horrible it turns out (as in Superboy with Scott Lobdell and his explanation of Harvest). And sometimes it's done so beautifully, it makes you want to weep all the way back to when you were fourteen and Marilyn Mendoza told you she doesn't like being stared at as she walked past you in the library during lunch (as in this issue. This one. Right here).

Open-Window Man also explains who his friends are.

Ejad is my favorite.

Open-Window Man is a hero and not a Dialer. And Bansa, the last of the Dial Bunch, used to be a Dialer until she realized she was stealing powers and was getting heroes killed. Her use of the Dial resulted in Boy Chimney's death. And when she found Open-Window Man to apologize and be punished, he instead joined forces with her to stop any more trouble from Dials and The Fixer. And then Open-Window Man tells his Origin.

How has this been cancelled while Scott Lobdell's excrement continues to sell well? It's sad that familiar characters rather than well told stories sell comic books.

The Dial Bunch seem to be at an impasse. They cannot retrieve the J-Dial because it is merely graffiti on a wall. And Open-Window Man doesn't understand this world because there are no windows. But Little Captain America points out that there are indeed windows. Right there. Drawn right on the walls. And suddenly Open-Window Man knows how to get the Dial. He has Nem G-Dial a bus with windows and Open-Window Man climbs through the passenger side window and out of the window of a graffiti house! He figured it out! Just like Batman would have! I mean, just like Captain America would have!

Why isn't the female hero doing the Boob-Butt Showcase? This world is weird!

Turns out Open-Window Man didn't draw anything flying through anything else. While Little Captain America slept, Open-Window Man was drawing him a Captain America Cave. But once Little Captain America sees it, he doesn't want it because it doesn't belong there. He loves it and thinks it's neat but it shouldn't exist. So Open-Window Man wipes it clean. And I bet it's the action of Open-Window Man wiping the chalk clean that gives Little Captain America his inspiration to become The Eraser! Except that's just speculation on my part. We'll have to wait until the The New 52's Eighth Wave when The Eraser comes out.

Dial H #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. This issue was just all kinds of awesome. Stupid readers not supporting it.

Dial H #12

I'm pretty sure Window Kid is a member of Boy Chimney's super group, House. Or Home. And I guess Roxie has turned into Clown School Balloon Battalion.

Time to see if Roxie and Nelson can defeat The Human Centipede and The Fixer without using their dials! Because Nelson just had an ethical meltdown about how using the dials is unfair to the people whose powers they're stealing. Oh! But I just realized something through clever deduction and detective work! The cover shows them using stolen powers! So I guess he's not as righteous as he'd like to think he is.

At least the first part of Nelson's plan doesn't involve dialing.

The Human Centipede will simply reverse back to a place in time when he hasn't been kicked in the balls but that can't take away Nelson's satisfaction.

The rest of the fight basically comes down to a brawl for the Hero Dial. Eventually The Fixer bitch slaps The Human Centipede to get her (I'm gambling on The Fixer being female) hands on The Dial and The Human Centipede suddenly becomes hurt and indignant. Isn't that the way with human centipedes? They're all so fucking touchy.

The Fixer turns into The Moaning Mummy and shuts down Nelson's Hero Dial with his magic bone screwdriver. But Roxie has some kind of plan that involves turning into a Sidekick. Perhaps she realizes that The Fixer, being a Hero, cannot harm her if she becomes a Sidekick. In fact, The Fixer must love, adore, and protect her! Although her actual motive might be a chance to fuck The Fixer once they connect as Hero and Sidekick.

Roxie turns into a boxing hero named Clench whose super power is to never crap her pants while being pummeled in the ring. But as a Sidekick, she's confused without orders. Until she puts on her mask and cape and simply becomes Manteau.

Punch! Punch! Kick! Hold it in! Elbow! Knee!

Manteau manages to make Zombie Miner (The Fixer!) drop the Hero Dial and Nelson grabs it. Although The Fixer turned it off so I'm not sure what use it will be to them now. Once they've got both dials, Roxie and Nelson make a run for it. They think they can simply hide from The Fixer if they don't use the Dials but The Fixer has supreme control over her Dial. She can gain any power she needs and she turns into The Running Radar Robot. Trapped and unable to fight The Fixer and The Human Centipede, Nelson opens the window of the room in the hopes of maybe escaping. But instead of escaping out the window, help comes through it!

I think Section 8's Defenestrator might want to have a little chat about copyright with Open-Window Man.

Obviously that punch sends them flying out of a window since words and definitions matter. The Fixer turns into the Clown School Balloon Brigade to avoid splatting across the asphalt below. But The Human Centipede isn't so lucky. I thought maybe he could just turn into a bunch of selves that will all end up smeared all over the sidewalk but he survives somehow off panel. My guess is he made so many bodies of himself that one of them survived by landing on the pile of squished organs and splattered heads. The Human Centipede and The Fixer are having a tough time against just Open-Window man, so when his friends arrive, things don't look too good for them.

It's a cornucopia of Dial Heroes!

The Dial Bunch opened a portal from the Lab where The Human Centipede opened a portal to summon The Fixer. The Dial Bunch forces The Human Centipede back into the lab and back through the original portal, closing it behind them. Now The Fixer and The Human Centipede are once again lost across space with no easy way to travel back to Earth. The Dial Bunch, on the other hand, seem to have a Dial that allows them to travel wherever they want. With a little luck, anyway.

This new group have come for Nelson and Roxie. It looks like some answers will be forthcoming next issue. The group is composed of Open-Window Man who is not a Dialer but just himself and Boy Chimney's friend. One member is named Nem and he Dials G for Gear. One Dialer has a Dial with a broken auto-dialer so he's constantly changing. And four other Dialers whose Dials are probably just Hero and Sidekick Dials.

Dial H #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Nelson and Roxie are going to learn a whole bunch of secrets next issue! Unless this ends up like Green Arrow where they keep teasing secrets but never reveal any. Hopefully Nem can Dial G for a Magic Bone Screwdriver to get Nelson's Dial up and running again. And maybe this new crew will trade for Roxie's Sidekick Dial so that Nelson and Roxie stop sleeping with each other the way Heroes and Sidekicks always do.

Dial H #11

Does the Exchange only exchange super powers? Or does The Flash currently have whatever skill Nelson has? I don't think Nelson has any skills though. So The Flash is fucked over there in Flash #19 unless the only way to beat the Outlander Nation is to smoke more cigarettes than they can smoke and then have a mild cardiac infarction.

Last issue ended with Nelson and Roxie making out in their Hero and Sidekick personae. This happens not because Nelson has been romantically or sexually attracted to Roxie all this time, although the two have invariably been getting close sharing the intimate experience of the Dial changes. What really turns them on is the way they're linked when they worked together as hero and sidekick. As a Sidekick, everything just felt right when Manteau told him what to do. He looked up to her and wanted to please her. Which makes their kiss at the end of the comic book pretty disturbing and creepy. It feels like Manteau is abusing her power. It reads very much like pedophilia with the person in power overstepping the bounds of propriety and taking advantage of the sidekick's hero worship. And taking their ages into account, Roxie is pretty much robbing the cradle here.

But I suppose to those less cynical and less willing to find the most perverse pleasure in anything they read, maybe it was kind of romantic.

While Nelson and Roxie are enjoying the easy lubrication of Roxie's young and virile super hero persona, The Human Centipede is busy killing members of the Nameless Canadian Black Ops Mounties Group so that he can hook up the French Dial Religion Bishop to some huge machine which will enable him to get in contact with The Exchange. I think. Something like that.

Oh man! I just remembered Nelson turns into The Flash on the cover! Roxie had better get ready for a pounding!

I think she's up for it!

But things are weird as well they should be! Apparently Nelson feels the same way I do about the boundaries crossed in this situation.

I think Roxie is suggesting they fuck after every Dial to ameliorate the side effects of Dialing! That strumpet!

To avoid having a discussion with the older woman that seduced him while he was vulnerable and under her tutelage, Nelson uses the Hero Dial and turns into The Flash. He needed to escape and he got super speed powers. Does that mean he's getting more control over the Dial?

The best part about this, of course, is that The Flash just got screwed over in his own comic because Nelson didn't want to talk about getting screwed. What an abuse of the Dial and it could cost Barry Allen his life (it won't)! Nelson writes Roxie a note at super speed and gets the fuck out of the hotel room.

Oh wait! My mistake! I jumped to conclusions before turning the page to find out what was really going on.

You know what would get him to stop? Speaking! The Flash always slows down when he speaks so that other people can hear his hilarious puns!

I wonder if Nelson will make some stupid running puns!

Back in Canada, The Human Centipede is trying to open a door to the Exchange so that The Fixer (the guy that can hunts Dials and shuts them off) will thankfully visit them and use the door since The Fixer's Dial's traveling ability seems to be broken. That's why he hitched a ride through The Abyss in the first Dial H story arc. And eventually it works and The Fixer appears. And The Human Centipede offers him a deal. He'll let him through the door so he can shut off the Dials he missed but he has to give The Human Centipede something in return.

Roxie and Nelson begin following a trail that won't lead anywhere pleasant when they begin to ask what happened to the real Flash now that Nelson has his identity. Nelson quickly searches for the real Flash using the speed powers but can't find him. And luckily Nelson is confused and distracted or else he might realize The Flash is Barry Allen. But then Roxie reminds The Flash of the Zero Issue story and they both suddenly realize where they get the super powers.

Well fuck. Why is it that whenever something is a lot of fun, things always wind up being more complicated than originally believed? No more good time Dialing! Now it's a serious responsibility with serious consequences.

While they're busy trying to figure out if they should even use the Dial anymore, The Human Centipede has joined forces with The Fixer and let him through the door. I still don't know what their deal was but it seemed to be good enough for both of them. With The Fixer's ability to turn into any hero it wants at any time, it easily chases down Nelson Flash and Roxie in Australia where Nelson's power finally gives out.

Whoops.

Dial H #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. One of the things Nelson and Roxie realized is that the Dial only works for people with heroic intentions. Ex Nihilo was able to use it for mysterious reasons but The Human Centipede could not get it to activate because he is a murdering bastard. They still don't know how it chooses powers or what the consequences of taking another person's powers are, but none of that will probably matter now that The Fixer is about to shut down their Dial fun next issue.

Dial H #10

I'm pretty sure I was fucked by this in a London Sex Dungeon back in 1993.

Last we saw Nelse, he had infiltrated the Nameless Canadian Black Ops Agency (unless it's only nameless because I've forgotten the name) as Glimpse. He found the Dial and because he's a spastic moron with more fat cells than brain cells, he decided he would try to steal it instead of just doing the reconnaissance like he was supposed to be doing. This brought him in conflict with the creature on the cover: The Bristol Bloodhound! It can't see Glimpse but it sure can smell him!

If this guy were in a Sex Dungeon, my guess is he'd pay to watch people masturbate while they poop.

The Human Centipede is the only person that can actually see The Glimpse due to his technologically fancy bug mask. He's manipulated Nelse and the Bristol Bloodhound into this confrontation so that he can observe how they react. So far, the Bristol Bloodhound seems to freeze up and follow Nelse's orders or at least be confused by them. Perhaps there's some kind of interference between the two Dials that confuses the beings inhabiting the heroes.

The Human Centipede shoots Nelson in the leg so that he can't escape. But while speaking with Manteau over their radio connection, he screams, "Help me!" The Bristol Bloodhound sees it as a command and picks up Glimpse to drag him out of danger. Perhaps some dials are simply subservient to other dials?

Come to think of it, I think I went by the name "Glimpse" back in my London Sex Dungeon days!

Nelson manages to get Bristol Bloodhound to take him to the rendezvous point where he meets up with Roxie. They're now one hostage and one dial richer than they were before! Perhaps I was wrong to jump all over Nelson for his premature escalation of their dial appropriation plans. But as they try to figure out why this guy and his dial acted so strangely, the hostage gives them the pertinent information needed to solve the mystery.

This is going to make Roxie and Nelson's relationship a bit awkward.

Does this mean there will be all sorts of Dials? Dial G for Goon? Dial T for Thug? Dial P for Pimp? Dial S for Slut?

Not only are there more than one type of Dial, the Dials can actually do more than change a person's shape. From some scattered notes of Eddison's encounter with the mysterious "O", The Human Centipede's Black Ops team realized the Dials are also capable of transportation when they're functioning correctly. The Human Centipede wants to get in contact with the Exchange, the people or the society that exiled "O" (or "O" escaped from with stolen technology?). He needs their help to hunt down Roxie and Nelson. And to find the Exchange, he's enlisted the help of the French leader of the Cult of the Dial that Roxie and Nelson fooled with their Super Wood Louse Dial Angel act a few issues ago.

Meanwhile Roxie and Nelson decide to try out the Hero and Sidekick Dials with Nelson volunteering to be Robin.

This way works. But I imagine it will be a disaster if Nelson has to lead Roxie.

And then it ends with me feeling really awkward about Batman & Robin, Captain America & Bucky, and Green Arrow & Speedy.

Roxie must be The Mistress.

Dial H #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was only a matter of time before these two dialed F-U-C-K.

Dial H #9

The Centipede turned into Better Looking Donald Trump?

Nelson fucked up last issue and reverse dialed while The Human Centipede was watching him. Then The Human Centipede took Nelson's dial but I don't know how Nelson could have prevented that. With his time power, The Human Centipede could have done any number of unspeakable acts to Nelson without Nelson being able to do anything. I'm so sweet and innocent that I can't even speculate on what could possibly make an act unspeakable. Maybe being trapped inside a box or walking against the wind?

The Human Centipede claims he knows what the dial is and how to use it but he can't seem to put the theory into practice.

His time power must trump any new Dial powers.

Manteau comes to Nelson's rescue, managing to zap The Human Centipede in the back of the head with a taser and then use the Dial while The Human Centipede is holding on to it. She turns into The Big Breasted Bull unless it's something else. It's kind of hard to tell because the art this issue is really poor.

Manteau summons a labyrinth to trap The Human Centipede so I guess she's actually the Womynotaur.

Turns out she's Minotaura. That's as dumb as the name I came up with!

I really should organize my reams of handwritten material so that I can find what I'm looking for when I want it. Somewhere I have a passage from the middle of my college novel (you know the one? The one that never actually ends up being written) that describes my life as wending through a labyrinth. Fuck you! I said it was a college novel! You don't have to be so judgmental about my use of metaphors! Besides, the labyrinth has multiple levels of meaning in the book, right down to being a metaphor for the book itself. Anyway, the protagonist (or me or whatever!) finds himself fearful of the snorting and clomping sounds of the minotaur somewhere ahead of him, causing him to lollygag and drag his feet, afraid to move forward, afraid to make choices. But through slow progress and mere attrition, he eventually finds himself at the center of the labyrinth, far behind the others that had entered the maze with him. And as he begins to tentatively explore the other side of the maze, he realizes that the minotaur is no longer ahead of him, but behind him and close on his heels. The weight of time wasted descends upon him and he now quickens his pace, rushing headlong through the last of the maze, overly aware of the time wasted avoiding the minotaur that ultimately just allowed the minotaur to get closer and nearly catch him.

While everybody judges their early writing harshly, I still like this bit (and wish I could find the actual piece!) because of the way, while doing other things as well, it also attempts to explain how we, as human beings, process time. In the beginning of the maze when everything is new and exploration and not exit is the primary goal, time is slow and expansive, seemingly endless in its reserve. Yet the older we get, the more time weighs heavily on us. The wandering now hampers the goal, whatever that ends up being for each person. Death is ever present and we rush headlong toward it while running from it at the same time. Now when someone says something idiotic like "Stop and smell the roses," all you can think about is death closing in as you putter around shoving flowers in your face. "Seize the day!" "Live each day as if it were your last!" "Show up for life!" How about you all shut the fuck up with your words of wisdom on how best to enjoy life, hunh? You're wasting my Goddamned time!

You can go back and skip those last two paragraphs if all you're really interested in is finding out what happens to Nelson and Manteau. That whole minotaur thing distracted me from what was really important: writing a synopsis of the plot of this comic book!

Back at Canada's Black Ops facility where The Human Centipede was created, they continue to experiment with their Dial. They have one Dial but a huge facility focused on discovering how it works and what it does. So far, they don't know much. They don't even know why the volunteer that was Autumn Lad continuously freezes up when on missions. The whole operation was set up to keep up with the other nations and their super powered people. It's the new arms race and everyone is trying to come up with their Superman. Ha ha! Good luck! AMERICA! AMERICA!

Oh yeah! That monster on the cover? That's just The Human Centipede with a high tech monster mask. Apparently Canada Black Ops needs a face to their greatest hero and The Centipede needed to look less Human. Less people will think "ass to mouth" when they see the gigantic bug head on this guy's shoulders. The head also has built in features to help in The Human Centipede's espionage missions. His main mission right now is personal: to find out what Manteau knows about the dials. Okay, sure, Canada Black Ops would like to know that too. But seeing as how The Human Centipede cut off radio contact with his superiors when he approached Nelson, he must want this information for himself first. He even kept a bunch of Manteau's notebooks he stole from her residence in Littleville instead of turning them over to the research guys.

While The Human Centipede tries to track down Manteau and Nelson through his research, Manteau has already tracked down the headquarters of Canada Black Ops (I wish I could remember if this organization had a name!). Nelson dials a bunch of heroes until he becomes The Glimpse, a super hero that is always just on the edge of vision. His job now is to infiltrate and gather information. But we all know that silly Nelson! He's going to try to steal Canada's dial while he's inside! And he'll probably come to blows with The Human Centipede which sounds sexy and disgusting and quite intriguing.

This is where I would scan a picture of The Glimpse but his super power is not quite being seen, so suck it.

Nelson may not be able to be seen by the soldiers and staff in the building but they know he's there due to a spike in D-Waves! My guess is the "D" stands for "Douche". The Human Centipede heads to the dial to protect it.

The Human Centipede knows more about the Dial than Manteau because government organizations utilizing hundreds of thousands of dollars and man hours are more efficient than a couple dozen hippies getting fucked up at a Grateful Dead concert while discussing the philosophy of the telephone magic and the art of making brownies.

Nelson discovers the location of the other Dial within the complex and instead of exiting with that information, he decides to check it out. What a shock! The big fat lunkhead thinks he can do anything when dialed in. But The Human Centipede was watching him through the filters in his Bug Mask and scared the man that would be Autumn Lad into using Canada's Dial to protect himself from The Glimpse. The Human Centipede wants to learn something from this confrontation but I don't know what exactly. The issue ends with Nelson entering the room with the Dial and the Boy That Was Once Autumn Lad.

I would not have guessed this Dial hero's name.

Dial H #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book needs more pages.