Earth 2 #16

How long is a populace going to obey a Trickster God when every command is just going to end in somebody sitting on a whoopee cushion? Although it's yet to be proven in clinical trials, fart noises do eventually stop being funny.

Remember when there were comic books that were about ongoing stories and were not about villains that had hardly been showcased yet in The New 52? Those times are back again! At least for a month before everything goes Year Zero on us. So enjoy it while it lasts! I'll enjoy it later when I read a good comic book. Until then, I'll read the mediocre comic book that is Earth 2!

This is how the issue begins:

Aww. It looks like somebody was all ready to pose for a lenticular cover and didn't get a callback.

The next two pages show the World Army assaulting Dherain and Steppenwolf too! Which, if you're keeping track with a calculator (I don't expect you to do math in your head), that makes two panels in three pages. I suddenly have a tremendous pain in my wallet and a burning hatred and resentment for DC Comics and James Robinson. Don't take your quarrel out on me by giving me less story! I want to see lots and lots of words! And also lots and lots of Nicola Scott's artwork. And having her copy and paste a bunch of World Army ships across two pages isn't what I paid for! Well, I guess it is what I paid for. But it's not what I would have paid for if I had any dignity! Although she did draw all the little tiny individual people that just look like crucified rocketeers. That's cute.

Well trepan me and fuck me directly in the nucleus accumbens! Page four and five are ANOTHER double page spread! So that's three panels across five pages! Everything in this story so far could have played out in one page. A single page! Hell, a single page by Keith Giffen would have three times as many panels as have been in the first five pages of this comic book so far! If anybody is out there...if anybody is reading these words, I convey this warning: do not purchase Earth 2 #16 at cover price! Haggle it down to at least 50% off! The first seven pages with ten panels amount to five words: Steppenwolf defeats the World Army. Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words was 9,995 words off the mark.

So, you know, Steppenwolf and his Hunger Dogs (Beguiler, Bedlam, and Brutaal) defeat the World Army. I guess that means The Wonders need to buck up and try again! Although Steppenwolf could have defeated everybody on Earth 2 if he'd just killed the Wonders after defeating them the first time. Oh, I guess two other people survived the massacre.

Commander Khan and Mister Terrific.

Meanwhile the Wonders are busy picking their asses up off the ground and scraping together the shredded remains of their dignity. They're also, like me, wondering why they were left to live. I'm sure Steppenwolf has plans for them although Steppenwolf really should have grown up reading more comic books. Then he'd know that leaving the heroes alive is always a huge mistake. I suppose they didn't have many comic books on Apokolips, so he couldn't learn that lesson. But you know what they did have on Apokolips? A woman named Kaiyo! And since she's on the cover and she wants to see Darkseid's defeat, perhaps it was one of her tricks or pranks that caused The Hunger Dogs to think that the Wonders had been killed.

The Justice Society is coming along nicely! Except for that second Sandman wannabe jerk. I suppose this team needs at least one Red Shirt to keep things exciting with his horrible death when they face The Hunger Dogs again.

Wesley Sandman Dodds gets a radio communication from Commander Khan asking that they help save and evacuate any survivors. The not quite the Justice Society head into Dherain and most do just that. Except for Alan Scott who decides it would be best if he faced Steppenwolf one on one. Except Steppenwolf doesn't exactly like the one on one math, so Brutaal comes in to help double team Alan Scott, and not in a pleasant, ecstasy-induced encounter in the quiet room at a rave kind of double team. No, this is more like a bunch of frat guys that desperately need to be liked by anyone at all and, smelling weakness on all of themselves, join together for some male bonding by beating the shit out of whichever one of them they all somehow instinctively decide to beat the shit out of. That comparison was as tortured as a frat guy's declaration of his heterosexuality.

Come on, Mister Terrific! Show Steppenwolf your balls!

Mister Terrific isn't the man to finally stop Steppenwolf. And why should he be? He hasn't done shit since he's come to Earth 2! DC makes a big fucking deal that Mister Terrific was going to wind up on Earth 2 after his comic book was canceled and then he just hung around in Sloan's basement for a dozen issues. Which is fitting, I guess, since Terry Sloan was the original Mister Terrific. Maybe they were comparing notes. Or balls. Or something.

No, no. Instead of Mister Terrific (or any of the not-quite-yet Justice Society members, for that matter) ending Steppenwolf's reign, it's Brutaal that strikes. You know why?

Remember the fucking cover, assholes? It's Kaiyo!

Or, um, Superman? No, no. I saw the cover! It's just Kaiyo playing a trickster trick!

I suppose I could have misinterpreted the cover even though I am a Master Comic Book Reader. Look, Superman doesn't even have his spit curl here! I'm pretty sure he has that spit curl on every Earth. He even has it on the cover! Which, you know, isn't even him! Although I was wondering how Kaiyo could have been here and trapped in the Omega Room on Earth Prime at the same time. Although she did escape in the last issue of Vibe. And Boom Tubing is tricky when it comes to time and what is the correlation between Earth 2 and Earth Prime's times anyway? Why am I even debating if it's actually Superman or Kaiyo when I could just turn the page and find out!

Superman (Kaiyo!) blasts a huge rift in the Earth with his Omega Beam Heat Vision Eyeballs as the Wonders and the last of the survivors retreat to safety. And this issue had two extra pages in it, so I forgive DC and James Robinson for the slow start! So if you ran out and didn't buy this comic book based on my earlier recommendation, I'm changing that and suggesting that if you like reading Earth 2, maybe it's okay to go out and buy this issue.

Earth 2 #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, fuck it. I enjoyed this issue. And I suppose that Superman isn't Kaiyo at all even though the cover is awfully deceiving in that it looks quite a bit like Kaiyo. This Superman could be whatever Darkseid had been working on in his Superman Corpse Lab on Apokolips. It might be a mutated version of Earth 2's Superman with some parts stuck on it from the Supermen of many other Earths!

Or it could, you know, be Kaiyo.

Earth 2 #15

The word "submit" has lost its edge thanks to internet polls and questionnaires.

Last issue, The World Government and the Earth 2 Wonders and Steppenwolf's Anti-Wonders were ready to go toe to toe to toe to toes to toes to toe to toes with each other. So I suspect I'm about to read ten pages full of brawling right after a couple of pages catching us up on Hawkgirl's detectivanting* in China.

*the art of detecting and gallivanting at the same time

Or maybe we'll just skip the story altogether and get right to the epilogue!

Why waste a full fucking page on this nonsense? Is it supposed to increase the dramatic tension? I think all it increases is my blood pressure! Because you know the story is going to jump back in time and explain it all to the reader. I'd rather the comic book simply continue from the point it left off last month instead of fucking around with this faux in media res merde. Or maybe this is more in finis res. Or something. Fuck Latin! I might actually know some if my stupid college had any Latin classes that started later than six in the Goddamned morning!

Jay Garrick begins to remember on the very next page so at least not a lot of time was wasted on his lying in the grass whinging on about his faulty memory. Luckily he begins remembering right from the beginning of the attack of the Anti-Wonders which he calls "Terrors" because that's the kind of propaganda that gets things done! I suppose I wasn't much better referring to them as Anti-Wonders instead of just Wonders. For all I know, they could be fighting for Truth, Justice, and the Dehrainian Way which probably isn't all that different from what Jay and Alan and the other one are fighting for. Although the Dehrainian Way is actually the despotic ruler Steppenwolf's way right now and that probably is all about terror and anti-wondering.

Oh shit, Wesley. It's going to take a lot more than a hair dryer to defeat a guy with Omega Beams.

The second terror was yet another Purple Magic Person but this one was named Beguiler instead of Wotan. She seemed a bit of a Bunker rip-off, actually. And the last one was Bedlam who turned the "good" guys against themselves which is why The Flash has some of Red Arrow's red arrows sticking out of him.

The battle is over in nine pages as opposed to the ten I guessed. Brutaal, Bedlam, and the Beguiler (is this the B Team?) stand triumphant even though Beguiler had a gigantic hole knocked in her skull and most of her skin burnt away. With all the attackers down, Steppenwolf's B Team leave them on the battlefield and head back inside the borders of Dehrain. Because the smartest thing a super villain can do is not kill the heroes when they have the chance. It always works out for the best that way.

Jay Garrick also wonders why the Wonders were left alive. He's still new to the super hero game so he doesn't realize super villains are arrogant ass pricks that often take actions that help lead to their downfall. I'm sure Steppenwolf ordered them not to kill the Wonders because he probably has some need or use of them. Perhaps the firepits all need a Wonder at the heart of them to keep them going, like the Red Lantern inside the fire pit in South America. But then you'd expect them to take at least one of the Wonders prisoner. Maybe the Terrors just love fighting and feel the best way to extend the war is by letting the Wonders live. They were easy enough to take down on the first meeting; why should it be so hard to beat them again? Right?

Meanwhile Hawkgirl's detectivanting has led her from China to Casablanca. For a first time detectivanter, she's really good at it. The mystery of who killed Alan Scott's fiance has led to Apokolipsian technology, and parademons kept in cold storage, and now to a mysterious man in Casablanca who doesn't actually exist.

She's going to Mime School!

And then in Earth 2's version of Gotham City, Mister Miracle and Big Barda are battling Fury. I forgot about this part of the plot! Barda and Scott are searching for the new Batman because somebody named Batman has to be good at everything. And they need somebody good at everything to help them with their immigration problems. They're currently wanted by both Apokolips and the World Government but they'd really like to gain refugee status and be allowed to remain on Earth without fear of arrest. Or death. But first they have to get past Fury! And maybe some other Super Powers Figures.

I know what the arrow means: "I'm with stupid!"

Earth 2 #15 Rating: No change. And that's Earth 2. Lots of characters and not really enough pages to spend on all of the characters. It always feels like the waiter came by in the middle of my dessert and cleared my plate. I think Earth 2 should be a $3.99 comic book with back-up stories that can concentrate on one of the individual characters within the context of the overall plot. I probably wouldn't feel too badly about giving up an extra dollar if it were done well. Although knowing my shitty attitude, it's hard to believe that I'd find it done anywhere near acceptable.

If I were putting some serious effort behind these commentaries instead of just vomiting them forth into the world as I read the comic books, I'd really want to rework the ones I wrote today. I was dissatisfied with my output! Now I must go flog myself for putting forth inferior quality products. But I won't be too harsh on myself because this shit is free and nobody asked you to read it anyway!

Steppenwolf!

Part 7 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Steppenwolf is the brother of Queen Heggra of the planet Apokolips (see Apokolips), and the uncle of that world's later ruler, Heggra's son Darkseid. Steppenwolf commanded Apokolips' army during Heggra's reign.

"While Heggra ruled, Darkseid suggested to Steppenwolf that they should go to Apokolips' sister planet, New Genesis (see New Genesis), to pursue his perverse sport of hunting and killing people [Maybe I'm biased against the planet Apokolips, but from what I know about it, the sport of hunting and killing people probably wouldn't be seen as perverse there. Maybe things were different under Heggra's rule.]. Darkseid secretly intended that Steppenwolf cause an incident that would incite war between the two planets [Secretly? Was Steppenwolf too stupid to realize landing on another planet and killing its inhabitants would cause an interplanetary incident?]. Steppenwolf and his demon raiders attacked Izaya the Inheritor, a leader of New Genesis known today as Highfather (see Highfather). Avia, Izaya's wife, flew towards them to stop the battle, but Steppenwolf, seeing movement from behind him, whirled about and fired a fatal radion bolt at her, not realizing who his victim was [Would he have cared?]. Darkseid rendered Izaya unconscious with the energy from "killing gloves," but pretended to have killed him [So the "killing gloves" have a stun setting?]. Then Darkseid and Steppenwolf, suspicious of his nephew's motives [That Steppenwolf ain't no fool! Or at least he doesn't remain a fool for long.], returned to Apokolips.

"War did indeed break out between Apokolips and New Genesis, with Izaya leading New Genesis forces and Steppenwolf commanding those of Apokolips. Darkseid gave command of a unit of dog cavalry--warriors riding gigantic, savage dogs--on one raid of New Genesis to Steppenwolf. As Darkseid had intended, Steppenwolf encountered the vengeful Izaya on this raid, and was slain by Izaya in battle [Darkseid is a gigantic dick.]. Meanwhile, Darkseid had his ally Desaad (see Desaad) poison Heggra [See? Gigantic dick.]. With both his mother and his uncle dead, Darkseid became ruler of Apokolips [And there was much rejoicing. Hooray!].

"However, Steppenwolf was recently resurrected through Apokolips' advanced technology. Today he again acts as a military leader, but in the service of Darkseid."

Powers & Weapons

"Steppenwolf has no known super-powers, but he is a highly talented military leader. He has served as the head of Apokolips' armed forces, and when going into battle personally often commands units of the dog cavalry--warriors riding enormous, vicious dogs [Yeah, I remember from your previous note!]. Steppenwolf is infamous for the carnage and mass deaths he causes when he leads forces in battle [His own? Or others? Or does it even matter?].

"Steppenwolf wields various weapons, including a "cable-snare" in which he can entrap an opponent, and from which he can fire lethal radion beams. His main weapon is his "electro-axe." He is a master swordsman [Then why doesn't he wield a sword?] and a formidable hand-to-hand combatant."

Earth 2 #8

Is that Lashina with Steppenwolf?

As you can see from the cover, Steppenwolf was not the mystery person to follow Supergirl and Robin through the Boom Tube to Earth 0. He's taken up residence in a small country called Dehrain that has closed its borders to the rest of the world in the wake of the Apokolips conflict. Apparently this country had helped Darkseid and his minions so the rest of the world hates their guts. Steppenwolf is welcomed with open arms (as long as he doesn't start any more trouble).

If your race doesn't require sustenance, why would you shove food in your face hole? Where is it going to go? You must not have a digestive system. Or has your race simply grown past the need to digest food and now your whole digestive system is just a vestigial system? Maybe it's now simply used for shoplifting and parlor tricks.

While Steppenwolf is cramming food into his body so that it can just sit inside him and rot, the guards outside the palace are waiting for the order to kill him. Oh, I guess the welcome wasn't as open armed as I thought it was! The ruler is just using Steppenwolf to get his technology and then they plan on capturing him and turning him over to the World Army for a huge bounty. Except I don't think the World Army is going to pay a bounty to a rogue nation! They should think twice about this plan. Especially the part where they believe they can kill Steppenwolf with only one nation's worth of soldiers.

Of course Steppenwolf knows what's up because that's what happens in comic books. Nobody can ever have a secret advantage over anybody else. Well, that's not true. The person who thinks they have the secret advantage is usually giving the advantage to the other person because the other person will always know the secret and thus have a secret, secret advantage, if you follow. And Steppenwolf has one soldier still loyal to him.

I was not wondering where Wonder Woman's daughter was this whole time even though I should have been! They even name her on the cover and I was too dense to notice. I wonder if her baby has become Dream yet?

Steppenwolf and Fury didn't drop by Dherain simply for the festivities, food, and fighting. Steppenwolf wants to rule over a country with a non-aggression treaty with the rest of Earth. Will the World Army honor the treaty even when Steppenwolf takes the throne? Probably! But I bet they'll be all bitter and angsty about it! Except for Terry Sloan. That bastard will probably begin making deals with Steppenwolf if he hasn't already.

Seeing Steppenwolf slicing up soldiers with his lava axe (I think it was some form of electro-axe before but this one looks like it's made of lava) makes me want to dig out my Super Friends Action Figures. It also makes me want to go out and buy some of the New 52 action figures! But why? What would I do with them? They'd just stand around mocking me. Maybe if I reorganized my office, I could display them proudly! I could leave them out in the open because I don't have any stupid kids to come along and break them! Then I could play war and throw darts at them!

Or maybe I could just save my money for candy.

Steppenwolf and Fury defeat Dherain's army and Steppenwolf beheads the king. Immediately everyone bows down to Steppenwolf and they accept him as ruler. At least those standing right in front of him and his gigantic axe. I'm sure there is already a rebel group having a clandestine meeting in the cellar of the library to devise a plan to oust this fascist tyrant. Although that would have to be dealt with in another comic book because this comic book will probably deal with the World Army and the new Wonders trying to capture or kill Steppenwolf.

Next issue: Doctor Fate!

Earth 2 #8 Rating: No change. Nothing special and nothing horrible in this comic. Earth 2 continues to unfold slowly. Now I don't mind stories that take their time. But it's difficult to feel satisfied when a comic book is a mere 20 pages long. Although I'm really glad they're no longer than that or else this blog would take even longer to write each week. Anyway, the cover really says all that needs to be said! Fury and Steppenwolf make the scene! Next!