Bizarro #5

I hope this issue breaks into a music video chase scene.

Here's something to think about: consensual sex among citizens of Bizarro World would look like rape to us.

Somehow Bizarro, Jimmy, Chastity, and Bizarro's Penis have wound up in Area 51 jail since the end of the last issue. Maybe it happened at the end of the last issue. Look, I read an awful lot of comic books every month. Take into account I'm also watching all of the super hero television shows, trying to finish reading the six thousand plus page Richard Burton edition of 1001 Arabian Nights, working through a fuckton of 20th century poetry, not to mention (although mentioning) whatever books I read to relax, and snorting a lot of synthetic cocaine (or possibly Styrofoam beads?), I have a hard time remembering everything I've consumed from month to month. Which is a total shame because what are we other than our memories and experiences? If I can't remember anything I experience then who the fuck am I?

Right now I'm the guy who wants to go roller skating and eat cotton candy with Michalie Portenberg!

Isn't she adorable?!

The Non-Certified Spouse just spent three hours morphing different celebrities with each other or herself on Morphthing.com. I decided she should morph Natalie Portman and Michelle Trachtenberg together because I knew it would be super cute.

Oh wait! I'm feeling a little bit better about my memory because the comic book flashes back to three days ago when Jimmy and Bizarro first met Spooky-not-SPOOPY-you-fucking-idiots Mulder and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully. Although I feel bad about my memory again when I realize I should have known there would be a flashback scene because this is a comic book and comic book writers have yet to realize that that trick is so old and stupid that I should probably think of a joke denigrating Republicans to finish this statement but I'm being lazy so....

I remember when Area 51 was super mysterious and exciting! Especially Hangar 18!

My grandfather received a mysterious commendation from Kelly Johnson, the man responsible for Area 51. My grandfather worked at the Skunk Works but it was all hush-hush secrecy so the only thing I know for sure that he worked on was the SR-71 Blackbird. He probably helped reverse engineer anti-gravity technology from the crashed space ship at Roswell!

The team accept the job to get their asses shot breaking into Area 51 and head to Las Vegas.

This dealer is terrible. Bizarro said not to hit!

I guess there are only like two or three jokes you can write about Las Vegas so the action returns to Area 51. They still have at least one autopsy joke left to make there. Maybe they'll even make a "What happens in Area 51, stays in Area 51" joke, right? That's something people who have been anally probed like to say, right? Anyway, in Area 51 prison, Jimmy points out that they have to anally probe the toughest alien in captivity to show their prison dominance. They might also have to mutilate a cow, depending on which aliens they're trying to impress. Those gray aliens sure have some weird hobbies.

It turns out Bizarro's Penis, Colin, is the scariest thing in the prison. That makes sense.

And then the story is back in Las Vegas! I guess they forgot to make a dead hooker joke because those are always hilarious. It's like "Oh no! I paid to have sex with a woman but that isn't the horrible part because sex workers in many situations are competent businesspersons who should not be made to feel shamed for the choices they have made. The horrible 'oh no' part is that I killed her (probably on accident) and now she is in the trunk of my rental car! This will surely break down into a series of dramatic events in which I'm almost caught but escape through quick thinking and clever dialogue. Finally I will never wind up having to pay for killing the hooker because she was just a hooker, right? Also it is Las Vegas where this kind of thing is expected and probably hilarious."

Oh! This is the part of the story where the one best friend discovers the secret being kept by the other best friend about how the best friend isn't really the best friend of the best friend because the best friend secretly doesn't even like the best friend! But later we'll learn that the best friend has learned to love the best friend and they'll reconcile and probably fuck.

Back in Area 51 prison, Bizarro gets in a fight with a sentient squirrel. I mean, a H'lvenite! It's wrong to call alien lifeforms by words describing the Earth thing they look like. Although that didn't stop Guy Gardner when he was partnered up with Zilius Zox.

The fight was pre-planned so that Munk the H'lvenite could detach Bizarro's power draining collar. Then once Bizarro was back to normal, the group could escape Area 51 Prison! But first the soldiers drive a tank into the prison and shoot Bizarro with it at point blank range.

Why do people keep building prisons with fairly easy access to destructive weapons and technology?

Bizarro chooses an old Superman outfit, Jimmy picks up some Thanagarian wings and a mace, and Chastity Hex does not find crotchless lace underwear like I was hoping. She winds up flying around with a jet-pack and a couple of lasers. I hope she gets her own series after this series ends. But I hope it's written by Neil Gaiman.

General Lane stops the brawl and insists that everybody do everything he say immediately because he's a general in the United States Army! That's practically the ultimate authority. If you're human, of course. Our Lizard Overseers wouldn't give a shit about General Lane. But Lane learns of a bigger authority than himself when Jimmy points out that he's been recording everything and sending it to Lois Lane! She'll blab anything! If General Lane wants to keep any secrets, he's going to have to do what his daughter wants! Although if Lois refuses to publish what she's learned in exchange for something she desires, she's doing a disservice to her readership!

All of the aliens are set free and Lois doesn't publish the story for some reason. Or maybe she'll just publish it later. Chastity goes off into space with Kilowog's cousin. And Bizarro's Penis catches a lift with some gray aliens. I guess that means everything worked out how it was supposed to! Or not how it was supposed to. Or maybe it all just ended the way life just ends. Although one issue is left so that's the issue where Jimmy is going to have to apologize to Bizarro for hurting his feelings.

Bizarro #5 Rating: No change. DC Comics should remember how convenient four issue miniseries were. They were just enough to get a story told without overstaying their welcome if they weren't the most interesting things in the world. Don't worry about how a four issue series doesn't quite hit the sweet spot on the page length and pricing chart for a collected edition. Instead, realize that a lot of people will commit to a four issue mini-series without even caring about the overall quality! This Bizarro miniseries was interesting enough with one or two funny moments per issue but it's really running long at six issues. We get the joke. I say not only forget doing six issue series but forget doing open-ended series altogether! Stop giving writers who have nothing to actually say a book that is expected to run for as long as it can (for example, Scott Lobdell with Doomed). Instead, give more writers who pitch a coherent, intriguing story four issues to tell it. Seriously though, I have so many four issue miniseries in my collection that I've probably never read because I just picked them up to read after they were all out and then never got to them. Four issue miniseries are potential goldmines!