Cyborg #2

Now kiss!

The Commentary!
• Let me guess: Cyborg battles a robot in this issue and discovers a little bit more of his humanity! You know what I'm tired of, comic book writers? I'm tired of heroes battling twisted funhouse mirror versions of themselves so that they can learn a stupid lesson. Learning lessons is for nerds and jerks who aren't already perfect! Why can't Cyborg have adventures that have nothing to do with the fact that he's a Cyborg? Is it because these stories are actually about how African-Americans are treated by white society? I suppose I have to allow that because social commentary is greater than robots fighting. I don't actually believe that but other people probably do which is why I wrote it.

• So Cyborg is fighting a robot who hates humanity. It's like when Batman fights a criminal whose parents were killed at a young age so that he can feel righteous about his choices. Or when Superman fights a Kryptonian who chooses to abuse his power. Or when Batgirl battles a female villain because, um, Batgirl is female. Come up with a new idea, comic books!

• The current story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is called "Trial and Terror" because that's clever! I guess. It replaces the usual word in the statement with one that rhymes!

• Cyborg is battling Kilg%re, a robot that can do pretty much anything the writer needs him to do to keep the action going. And because a lot of readers won't be familiar with Kilg%re, he helpfully explains where he came from and what powers he has.

What does reciting Shakespeare have to do with anything? Any robot or child who loves attention can be programmed to do that! And why bash Internet trolls?! I think I'm offended!

• Kilg%re recites some Hamlet for Cyborg just before dropping Sarah Charles off of a building. I bet Cyborg recites some Hamlet back at Kilg%re later! It's probably thematic! Did Hamlet battle cyborgs in that play? Or was that in Othello?

• Kilg%re was sent by Cyborg's Machine Daddy to tell Cyborg that he's a machine and he should remain with machines and stop mixing with humans.

• Kilg%re should become a rapper and change his name to Kilg$re.

• Kilg%re leads Cyborg to church where they can discuss Cyborg's lack of a soul. When is Cyborg going to realize that a soul is just a metaphorical concept to describe the essence of human individuality. The brain is the closest thing to a soul that a person has. This is obvious when you consider transplants. If any bit of me were replaced by another person, I'd still be me. Until you replaced my brain. At that point, nobody would believe that it was still me. At that point, it's a full body transplant for the brain that was put into my skull. If I had a soul, it could just take over the brain and infuse the new brain with my personality, right? Unless the soul is kept inside the brain somewhere. Shut up, me! You want me to lose my own argument!?

• Held hostage by Kilg%re, Cyborg has to choose a side. Is he robot or man?! I mean, technically he's both. A cyborg! I thought Kilg%re was smart. Doesn't he have access to a dictionary? This whole choosing which part of you is the real part seems awfully racist, dude.

Oh shit. Kilg%re has Daddy Issues!

• Why is Kilg%re so upset about humans building machines? It's not like a Lawn Mower has to find its purpose. It's born with meaning! I suppose the trouble starts when a lawn mower gains sentience and would rather write poetry than mow grass. But that's a problem that should be left for when it gains sentience! Why worry about a lawn mower being enslaved when it's just a fucking machine? Stop projecting your own artificial intelligence onto other machines, Kilg%re! You're way more human than you realize.

• Kilg%re decides to compare a lawn mower to an African-American slave. I guess robots have a hard time noting when they're being huge dickholes. Next, Kilg%re will probably tell how he was once in London and didn't have the proper adapter for the outlet and he couldn't recharge. He'll probably refer to it as "his Vietnam."

• Cyborg refuses to join with the robots even after all of Kilg%re's impeccable logic about how using a coffee machine is equal to owning a slave. That's when Kilg%re decides it's time to bring Human Daddy into the discussion. With a bomb strapped to his chest.

• Cyborg saves his father and then, through plot devices, gets the upper hand against Kilg%re.

I like Cyborg even less now! Having a favorite Ernest Hemingway novel is like having a favorite time to eat your own shit.

• The big surprise twist is that Cyborg's father Silas isn't his father! It's an impostor! The real Silas is tied up and being forced to watch monitors showing Cyborg's life in real time. Poor guy!

• See? Cyborg should have been paying attention to Kilg%re's Shakespeare hint. Because this whole father switcheroo was exactly what happened in Hamlet.

The Ranking!
+0! It's Cyborg, you know? Someday, I'm sure somebody will make him interesting. But it certainly won't be any of these writers who believe to make him interesting, they need a hot take on his humanity. Just make him funny or sexy or super cool or arrogant or a douchebag. Show his humanity through human flaws! But don't make them Shakespearean! Cyborg doesn't need to love too well! Mostly because that would be racist, basing him on Othello.

Cyborg #1

We get it, Cyborg comic book! The main character is a CYBORG!

The Commentary!
One of the main reasons I don't believe in The Bible is that it never mentions cybernetic beings. You'd think if something will have existed, God would have known about it. And if God knew about cyborgs way back when he created the world, how could he not mention them to Abraham or Israel or every single person he spoke directly to in The Bible? If I were God and I were hanging out in the Garden of Eden talking to Adam, I would definitely have mentioned cyborgs. Like that part where Adam was choosing a help meet, right? As God, I would have been, "So, what about a cow? No? A horse? A duck? Oh! OH! You'll never turn this one down: a cyborg! Boom! Totally radical, right dude?" And it's not like a mention of cyborgs wouldn't have gotten a whole section of The Bible all for itself. The sections would have been marked "The Creation," "Adam and Eve," "Adam Learns About Cyborgs", "The Fall of Man." I suppose Adam really wouldn't have learned much about cyborgs. He'd probably have only asked God the same question about cyborgs that he had been asking about every other rejected help meet: "Can I fuck it?" I think God's answer to Adam every time he asked that was, "Yeah, but you probably shouldn't!"

This issue begins with Cyborg's Machine Dad going on about broken and useless technology which people don't need anymore. I always thought it all wound up in bins at the back of a Goodwill but apparently, according to Cyborg's Machine Dad, much of it is toxic to humans and thrown in landfills. So are the four or five old broken outdated laptops piled in the corner of my office a threat to my health and well-being?! I should probably load them up with porn and send them to poor pornless children in other parts of the world.

Who am I kidding? I don't need to load them up with porn at all! It was probably a virus that downloaded tons and tons of porn onto the hard drive that killed each of those laptops.

I mean, the laptops probably burned out because I read so much Shakespeare on them.

This story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is part one, "Awakening!" Ooh! So exciting! An exclamation point right in the title! I think I just came in my pants a little bit. Can somebody do that just a little bit? I suppose a little bit is all I have left after jerking it to four or five laptops full of porn.

Cyborg begins his part of the issue by stopping a robbery. So useful! He even does a bunch of the cyber. But that's probably not important because this story wasn't called "Cyborg Plays At Being A Hero While Secretly Being Sad About The Loss Of His Wiener". No, this issue is called "Awakening!" which means the conflict will probably be more of an internal thing.

I thought Morrow was going to say "Matchmaker."

Cyborg goes on an ice cream date with Sarah Charles. This sends him into a philosophical dilemma as he remembers hearing the recording his father made that explained a bunch of stuff his father wanted to keep secret. Seems like a weird recording to make, really. Anyway, Victor is now wondering if he's the same person he was before the accident or if he's just a machine programmed to think it's Victor Stone. Not like it matters. Human or machine, Sarah Charles has had both in her vagina. So I think he's going to get lucky tonight!

Seriously, though, I don't know why he'd be worried or concerned. So what if he's just a machine and code that replicates a human being? How does the knowledge that that is true change anything? I really wouldn't give a fuck if I were a simulation because I'm still a simulation of the person that I think I am.

Speaking of simulations, I find the theory that our universe could possibly be a simulation basically the religious theory of science. It's just a scientific way to say "God created the universe" except, in this instance, God is some other race of beings that created the technology to create a stand alone universe. Ultimately, the real question still remains: how did the race of people who created our universe (or those that created theirs? Or the ones who created theirs? Or...you get it) come to pass? Saying super smart bug-eyed reptilian scientists did it is no different than God did it. Without actual evidence of what happened before The Big Bang, the speculation is as useless as the Catholic Church.

At the ice cream shoppe, Cyborg meets his two biggest fans.

Why that little fucker?! How did his parents not slap the fuck out of him for saying that?! Little shit. I would have used my white noise attachment on him set to "Brown Note".

I probably shouldn't be so hard on these kids. I won't stop going on and on about how Cyborg doesn't have a penis! That's worse! You can live without feeling love. It's actually preferable that way! But without a penis?! Egads!

I don't mean to suggest all of you vagina-havers somehow don't have any reason to live. Of course you do! Your vaginas are terrific! Keep up the good work! A Plus Plus!

Sarah Charles discovers that Victor hasn't been to church since the accident. Well, she knows just the cure for that: jazz! Hmm, that sounds about right. I can't stand sitting through either.

I guess the whole religious thing is what has Victor so worried. If he's just a machine, how can he have one of those made-up souls?! If only God had mentioned cyborgs in The Bible, he wouldn't be losing faith. Although doesn't Jesus mention them? I'm pretty sure Jesus mentions them. If not, Jesus is pretty clear that the way to Heaven is through him. Does it count if a machine is programmed to accept Jesus as their lord and savior? I would have to think so because don't people want Xboxes and Playstations to go to Heaven too?

The jazz performer is named Blue and he's blind. I guess jazz from a blind person is more spiritual than jazz from some asshole who can read a sheet of music. That guy probably isn't jamming at all!

Blue's description of jazz is basically a description of this blog. So I probably shouldn't be so hard on jazz. If this blog were a type of music, I would call it punk jazz. But the bubble gum pop version of punk jazz! Played by a tone deaf piece of shit.

Is Cyborg going to cry soon? Will that prove he's got a soul? Because an old blind man makes him cry? That doesn't prove he has a soul! It just proves he's a big baby!

Cyborg doesn't cry while listening to the jazz which should mean I should be nice to him since I just scolded him for possibly crying. But instead I'd rather point out that if he didn't cry, he probably didn't really feel anything and, thus, he has no soul. At the very least, the kid in the ice cream shoppe was right and he has no heart. I won't even mention, once again, what I'm probably right about.

As Cyborg is feeling pretty good about himself, he's attacked by The Kilg%re. It probably dropped the "the" for Rebirth. For a creature that hates humanity as much as Killg%re does, it's odd that it would attack the machine guy and not his supple fleshy date. I guess Cyborg really is human after all!

The Ranking!
+1! So far, this is a Cyborg comic book that's kind of interesting. It still isn't about his penis though. It really should be about his penis.

Cyborg Rebirth #1

Cyborg has a brand new vibrator and he's sort of afraid to use it.

The Facts!
• Oh Cyborg! Haven't we given you enough chances to be an interesting character?! If as a character you hit your peak when you're stuffing your face full of pizza and playing video games, it's probably time for a little soul searching. Perhaps just bow out gracefully. Let some other people have a chance at the spotlight. Stop embarrassing yourself! At this point, I'm more compelled to read an Aquaman comic book than a Cyborg comic book.

• Part of my current distaste for Cyborg might be because I'm reading the late eighties, early nineties Marv Wolfman run of The New Titans where Cyborg spends about thirty issues as a remote controlled piece of taxidermy. I really can't imagine why they keep him around anymore. Maybe it's because all of Gar Logan's Playstation save game files are stored in Cyborg.

• In his early years, Cyborg was basically just a life support system for a white noise blaster. But nowadays, he's the ultimate computer hacker! He's also a shape changer! Basically if anybody needs to recover their files from a crashed hard drive or needs to rent a Bobcat to bury a body in the garden, Cyborg is your guy!

• Cyborg is twenty-one years old at this point and has been half-machine since he was fifteen. I mean sixteen! Stupid fat fingers hit the wrong button on the calculator. He's currently training at STAR Labs. The "STAR" part of the name stands for "Scientific and Technology Advanced Research." That sounds fucking stupid. Didn't it used to mean "Scientific and Technological Advanced Research" Labs? Who authorized the idiotic change?!

• Cyborg is currently battling the monster version of himself. Although maybe it's more robot and less monster with zero human. So it's not a real reflection of Cyborg. It's just Cyborg's projection of a reflection of himself! See, he sees himself as an unlovable monster. At least he sometimes did and might still think that. Perhaps we'll finally get a confident Cyborg who doesn't worry about asking "Who or what am I?" at the beep of a boop.

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious by his enemy which is a perfect time for the system running the simulation to pop open a subroutine to figure out Cyborg's identity. It's weird to think that a STAR Labs computer doesn't know Cyborg's identity. Although it isn't weird to think some of the people picking up this book don't know his identity or how he became the inhuman monster with the white noise cannon on his wrist. Let's find out about Victor Stone! If that's who he really is! Maybe his entire life has been a lie and we'll find out he was adopted by the Stone's! That would put a new spin on Cyborg constantly asking, "Who am I?!"

• The computer checks the DNA records and confirms that Cyborg is Victor Stone. That's when it realizes its database is full of romantic stories about how people in STAR Labs met. I think most of them met through T.O. Morrow's Dating App which was also his cybernetic son.

"I am a computer. I can speak normally and use all of the words without calling attention to my computerness. At least until I have to mention love. Why do humans call it that? Can they not simply refer to it as the engaging of their input/output devices?"

• The simulation might not actually be a simulation but an actual attack on STAR Labs. The computer is just monitoring Cyborg's efforts to defend STAR Labs so it can analyze his powers. I'm fine with either thing being true since Cyborg is unlikely to die in a simulation and he's also unlikely to die in a real battle in his Rebirth issue.

• The monster politely introduces itself to Cyborg as Malware. Hey Malware! According to my grandmother, I'm Mal Ñino!

Hey look! Cyborg made a joke that was actually kind of funny and he didn't follow it up with "That was a joke!" This series is different than his last one!

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious again so it's a perfect time for another flashback! I hope everything readers need to know is covered in this Rebirth issue or else Cyborg is going to be suffering from a lot of concussions to set up the flashbacks for his backstory.

• This flashback is about the death of his mother. It was the first failure of Silas Stone and it hardened his heart like a hard thing! And it's hard to love with a hard thing!

• As Cyborg is beginning to recover, there's time for one more short flashback to when Cyborg was half destroyed by a Mother Box opening a Boom Tube inside of him. Victor's life was saved only because Silas took him to the Red Room and attached him to all of the technology and crossing his fingers. Some scientist!

• I mean, it worked, so...um...Some scientist!

• Cyborg and Malware have their final face-off in a secret room just past the Red Room and three doors down. The room is buffered against any kind of wireless technology sending any streams of data through it. That way, nobody can hack into and find the data being stored in the secret safe in the center. I bet the safe contains Vic's actual penis!

• Malware tries to hack Cyborg but Cyborg is so full of his own malware that Malware is destroyed. Or something. I don't really understand how computers work. I think it's just a bunch of cockroach brains linked together with fiber optics?

Oh look! Cyborg is definitely more human than machine! No human knows when to use whomever over whoever!

• The information inside the safe in the center of the room...the information that was so well-guarded so that nobody would discover what it was...that information? It automatically begins telling Cyborg what it is. It's all, "Hey! Hey! Is somebody out there?! Oh man, I've been so lonely in this room! Let me tell you all about me! I'm a Victor Stone program! I'm what's in Cyborg! Does that mean Cyborg isn't real? Oh no! Mystery! I hope you're not Cyborg, whoever you are. Or is it whomever you are? Oh man, that's a tough word to figure out! Anyway, don't worry if you are Victor because, um, I was just kidding. Ha ha! You're real. Don't spend your entire comic book series wondering if you're real or not! Bye!"

• The computer narrating the story turns out to be STAR Labs' scary version of Silas Stone. It's Victor's Machine Dad! That's good because now Cyborg can have Human Daddy Issues and Machine Daddy Issues! He'll be twice as interesting as every other DC character! Other members of Machine Dad's step family include Amazo, The Engineer, The Metal Men, Cyborg Superman, Red Tornado, The Shaggy Man, The Brain, Steel, Robotman, OMAC, and some guy with goggles whom I don't recognize!

The Opinions!
At least I'm not completely disinterested in this Cyborg series yet! It's got some potential, I suppose, even if it's going to go in the usual direction of Cyborg questioning his authenticity. At least they threw in the Double Daddy Issue Deal. Maybe that'll be interesting. Especially if Machine Daddy shows any kind of affection at all because Human Daddy is a stone-hearted dick! Oh! A stone! That's the hard thing Silas Stone's heart became!

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

The Darkseid War Special #1

Why is this a thing? Why isn't it just Justice League #49? How is Justice League ever going to make it to #52 before Rebirth at this rate?!

The Review
Justice League has fallen two or three months behind all of the other series so what does Geoff Johns choose to do? Insert more specials! I suppose that's because he realized he wasn't going to finish his epic tale before Rebirth erased it all. Not that Rebirth is a Reboot. DC can't say that enough! But we all know things are going to change. I have a feeling every Rebirth issue is just going to be pretty pictures and a mediocre story revolving around the same statement to fans: every story DC has ever published in the past is canon no matter how weird and inexplicable it makes the DC Universe. That's how I see it already anyway. I don't take my cues from DC about what stories make Batman the real, current Batman. How am I supposed to compartmentalize all of the Batman stories I've read over the years so that when I'm reading New 52 Batman, I know exactly what he's experienced and the things he's been through? I still read Batman believing that he used to climb up the sides of buildings and have brief conversations with sixties television stars. Hell, I still think Batman had all of those adventures with the characters from Star Wars and the soldiers from G.I. Joe and the creatures from the Masters of the Universe as they drove around my backyard in Barbie's pink Corvette! Anyway, this issue of The Darkseid War may also have been slotted into place because it's mostly exposition. I guess after all the blockbuster fights and crazy changes in personality the Justice League has gone through, a brief explanatory respite was in order for anybody who was a bit confused as to why Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor were fighting in the first place.

The Commentary
The Darkseid War is still going on because Geoff Johns believes stories that go on for-fucking-ever are what fans are craving. Big, blockbuster, over-the-top stories that make no sense but aren't limited because nobody at DC Comics has a position higher than the writer of the stupid thing. And apparently nobody has the balls to tell Zack Snyder...I mean Michael Bay...I mean Geoff Johns that length and thickness aren't the only thing that matters. Although, let's face it, DC Fangenders really can't get enough of Johns love muscle--and I don't mean his heart--pounding away at their colon. Every story doesn't have to forever change everything, Geoff. You can fucking calm down a little bit. Some people might not think I should be the one to suggest subtlety to another writer but then those people who don't think I'm subtle are probably missing 90% of the shit I'm expressing. Because I'm a motherfucking subtle son of a bitch!

I probably shouldn't be ranting like this about The Darkseid War because it is kind of entertaining, isn't it? It's entertaining in the way that Geoff Johns writes those stories people have in drunken conversations about stupid fucking ideas they'd maybe like to see happen in comic books. Like "Dude, dude! No, wait, dude. What if The Flash actually raced against Death?!" Or "Check this out. What if...what if...err...Lex Luthor were ruler of Apokolips?!" "No! What if Batman could know anything in the universe? Anything at all! Like how it all began or what existed before our universe or what's the cure for cancer or how can we end bigotry and religious strife or what is the Joker's real name?!" "What if Lois Lane were secretly a web camera porn star?!" "What if The Hulk shoved his cock straight down my throat? Oh god I'm hard."

Um, anyway, what I was saying in the caption to the cover was why another special after all the other Darkseid War specials have been separated across time by other Justice League issues? How is anybody in the future, hunting down back issues of The New 52 Justice League (because Geoff Johns is revered as a god and a monster), going to know what order to read these books in? Aside from all the people with internet blog entries listing the order.

The story begins with Jessica Cruz, now completely subsumed by Volthoom, wandering around inside of the power ring while some other prisoner speaks with her. I hope it's somebody surprising from DC's history and not just the wussy cry baby from Earth-3 that was Volthoom's previous host. The voice assures Jessica that if she can find him inside the hellish landscape of the ring, she has a chance of escaping, reclaiming her body, and saving the Justice League and the Omniverse and everything else that isn't somehow included in the stupid term "Omniverse" (which I only ever use ironically or in professional essays for academic magazines). I bet the voice is a Guardian of the Universe. Or, you know, Volthoom.

The voice tells Jessica that she needs to find the battery. Why doesn't the voice just bring the battery to her? Why must metaphysical landscapes always be bound by physical laws? It's probably a weakness in Jessica's own mind that she has to interpret the realm she's in as a natural landscape to be crossed rather than an idea which could be traversed in a thought.

Meanwhile, Myrina Black and her griffon (unless it's a hippogriff) are wandering about another bleak landscape searching for answers.

I, too, like to believe in absolute truths with whatever exceptions I feel like throwing in for my own comfort.

It seems to me that perhaps it was a bad idea to fuck and be impregnated by the only person you believe has no good in them. I suppose it's like when I feel totally judgmental about something, I'm driven to experience that thing to the best of my ability and to view it with non-judgmental eyes to see if I'm being a dick or if that thing really is a shit omelette. Although I don't think I'd go so far as to think, "You know? That person is a real fucking asshole. The biggest asshole in the universe. No redeeming qualities at all! Although, what if I'm being unfair in my criticism? I guess I'll let him plant his dark seed in me to make sure!"

I bet Darkseid is a good fuck though. I bet that's the simple answer. Myrina just couldn't keep her legs closed around him. I get it! He's powerful and he gets shit done. Also he's so thick. Just seeing his hard cock probably causes the observer to orgasm. That's his Alpha Effect.

Myrina explains that she's an Amazonian assassin and her target was Darkseid. And I guess the only way to kill Darkseid was to seduce him, have his child, raise her to hate her father, and start a war between the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid. That's pretty ambitious considering I can't even plan breakfast.

Anyone who lays eyes on Hippolyta's vagina must die? Was Diana born with a penis? What did Myrina see?!

Grail explains how the entire plan came together although I'm still a bit unclear about why Myrina had to be impregnated by Darkseid. I'm just going to assume that was an accident. And even if they had the Morning After Pill back when Grail was conceived, I doubt it would have been strong enough to evict a half-Amazonian, half-New God zygote from Myrina's vagina.

Apparently Steve Trevor is now also part of the plan. The new plan, of course! The old plan was to kill Darkseid and he's dead. The new plan is for Grail to take control of the Anti-Life Equation and become a new, female Darkseid. Grail kisses Stever Trevor (even though he's apparently the wrong man since somebody before him stepped foot on Themyscira and that's the guy Grail actually wants) and he turns into Firestorm. Or maybe he's just burning alive. It's hard to be sure.

Back inside Power Ring's ring, Jessica makes it to the battery and discovers the face behind the voice that's been helping her: Cyborg. Sad trombone. I'm so disappointed right now. Geoff Johns went off his normal playbook for this twist. This should have been some kind of reveal of a character nobody ever really liked or thought much about or had totally forgotten and would never care if the character just disappeared from all of DC's records and that every...oh wait. Cyborg is one of those characters. Never mind. Good work, Geoff.

Batman and Robin Eternal #3

Gotham City gets destroyed so often they really should add a version number after the name.

In the Disqus forum of my last intellectually critical commentary on this comic book, Commenter Peg said, "[I]s this a thing that keeps happening? That canon doesn't matter, because new writers will erase what happened before if they don't like it? Because if so I quit. I'm not giving my money anymore on these expensive comics if they can't keep their story straight. If history doesn't matter, then might as well make up my own. What's the difference? I don't even have to pay anything for it," in response to my claim that "comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist." I must answer "Yes, this is a thing" because comic books are a strange beast which stands alone in our entertainment sphere, especially now in the 21st Century and the internet age. Today, we expect television shows, book trilogies (trilogy here meaning, of course, however many books are published until the author dies or gets bored), and movie franchises to tell coherent long-form stories. In these formats, nobody expects something that was mentioned in Episode Eight of a television show, or in the first book of a trilogy, or in the third sequel of a movie franchise to suddenly be changed on a whim. My guess is that people born post Return of the Jedi have lived in a world where most of the entertainment media they've consumed has tried its best to maintain a cohesive narrative. But comic books are of a different nature because they do not, and were never meant, to tell a structured story with a beginning, middle, and end. The characters must exist outside of time but must also appeal to the current generations picking them up and reading them. They must reflect the current zeitgeist or they will become relics. And for this to happen, the characters must constantly be reimagined.

Because of the expected narrative structure of every bit of media we consume today, it's hard to swallow when comic books do the unimaginable and change the histories of the characters. Can you imagine if Lost had kept changing its mind on what things meant and then...oh wait. That's a bad example. What if the writers of Bones decided that in the current season, Angel was just never married to Jess's sister anymore? People would go apeshit! I think. Does anybody even watch Bones anymore? Anyway, we expect television to not mess with the story told to us in previous episodes and seasons. It's hard to believe there was a time when television shows hardly cared about the continuity from one episode to the next. They generally maintained a sense of "soft continuity" which was really just the established parameters of the premise or the situation. My mother used to dislike shows which she disdainfully referred to as "soap operas" because they relied too much on a long story arc across the season. Before that, characters could change and grow but they really were just plunked down in the same situation week after week without any real reference to previous episodes. The comedy Soap was called Soap because they were playing off the idea that the show's story just kept continuing week after week. But if you watch it now, the continuing premise wouldn't be anything different and the title would be redundant. Soap might just be called Arrested Development and everybody would expect the story to continue from one week to the next. The first drama I watched which I really remember telling the kind of long narrative story expected from television shows today was Wiseguy. Twin Peaks also broke that barrier but even Lynch's show played on the idea that it was basically a soap opera. It even parodied itself in the fake in-show soap opera, "Invitation to Love."

Just a bit of imagery to break up the boring words.

Movie franchises were a bit ahead of television shows in trying to keep a cohesive narrative across multiple films. But even here, it was rare. A series like The Godfather or Star Wars were made to tell a long story and would have been ruined by playing fast and loose with the previous movie's revelations. But continuity mattered less in other film franchises which only produced sequels because the first movie was a hit. And of course novels have always been expected to play as fair as possible. But comic books...oh, comic books. What was going on with them?

Comic books have never had the luxury of maintaining a cohesive narrative across long stretches of time because their audience is constantly changing. Nobody expected anyone but kids to be reading Batman when he first came on the scene. And nobody expected those kids to keep reading Batman as they aged. So Batman couldn't age. Who wants to read about a sixty-five year old vigilante breaking his hip as he tries to swing across Gotham? So the characters aren't allowed to age but they have to interact with the world in which the readers live. The scenery behind the characters flits past, constantly changing and updating, while the characters remain the same age. Certain historical moments that might have been incorporated into the story of the character have to change as those moments move further and further into the past and mean less and less to the new readers coming of comic book reading age. And what about the writers, artists, and editors? The characters outlive them decade after decade. Of course no new writer is going to be compelled to come on to a Batman book if they have to keep the character true to its decades old roots. Sometimes writers will come along and write a new definitive take on a character which the current generation latches onto. That's now who Batman is no matter how upset it might make Batman's older fans who never thought of Batman in this updated way. And eventually, Batman becomes the culmination of a whole bunch of seminal stories that nearly everybody thinks of when they think of Batman. And if there were times in Batman's history that nobody looks fondly on? They're forgotten as if they never happened. But for some people who like that time? They still matter. Things have to change. Things must constantly be updated. But the characters have so much history, parts of which conflict with other parts, that the character means something different to everybody who loves it.

My main point about loving comic book characters no matter how much they change due to "writers, editors, or the current zeitgeist" is that any character you fall in love with continues to exist no matter what future changes eventually turn the character on its head. Because the character you fell in love with is almost certainly not the character she was fifteen years before you discovered her. Do not let the comic book company dictate the stories you cherish simply because they've retconned them out of existence. Do not give the companies power over your fandom. Things in comics will change because they have to change. They are not indebted to any one generation's likes, values, and mores. Nor should they be.

In Dan Jurgens' Bat-mite, Gridlock says, "I have sworn to preserve the world as it is and forestall the devastating changes younger generations would inflict on us." That seems to be a common theme with comic book fans who dislike change. As much as I love to make fun of Dan Jurgens for being stuck in the eighties, his current Bat-mite is an intelligently put together parable about how each generation of comic book fans believes the era in which they fell in love with comics to remain the norm. And that's just not how comic books work. The longer you remain a fan, the more often some character or story or Reboot is going to break your heart. Once you can learn to live with this fact, and realize that the characters you love are made up of the stories you choose to remember, the less angry letters to the editors forum rants you'll wind up writing.

And now it's time to read the comic book!

Dick and the other Batkids arrive at Noonan's Sleazy Bar to keep Jason Todd from getting killed by Cassandra Cain. Is this the part where Sixpack tries to recruit them all for Section Eight? I think Dick would fit in perfectly. He could change his name to Tight Ass and wear ass-less chaps. Between Dick Grayson and Bueno Excellente, they could seduce any super villain they encounter!

The Batkids head out to the Batcave because Batman is out of town. Or his mind. Whatever. It's definitely an adult-free space so it's the place to hang and have sex with each other. They can do Scarecrow Toxin Whippits and play Seven Minutes Behind the Giant Penny. Although the giant penny was turned into a merry-go-round at Lucius Fox's Home for Wayward Youths. And the giant dinosaur was turned into a slide although the giant dinosaur is still in the cave with the randy kids. Continuity Violation! I call Continuity Violation!

Once in the cave, Harper gets laid up in the intravenous healing tea injection table while the rest of the Batkids try to figure out a way to get Cassandra Cain to talk.

Blasphemy! Candy does not equal circus peanuts! And Tim's supposed to be the smart one!

Cassandra taps each of the male Batkids in safe places: Hood is the hand, Tim is the head, Dick is the heart. Then she goes over to touch Harper's stubbornness and Stephanie's funny bone.

Helena gets back in touch with Dick to let him know that she found a reference to Mother in one of Agent Zero's diaries from about twenty-five years ago. It turns out Mother has the capability of producing "designer human beings" for anything a person might need. Red Hood suggests that maybe Batman used it to design his Robins. Dick and Tim seem like they'd like to argue the point but, really, how many times has Batman betrayed their trust in the past? Pretty much once per week. I'm pointing to the Circus Peanuts as treats as proof of one betrayal.

It's only Issue Three and I've actually already voiced my objections to the Batman creating his sidekicks plot when the Sneak Peek came out on my birthday Batman Day. If it turns out that Batman somehow had a hand in creating each Robin, even if he just special ordered them through Mother, the writing crew had better come up with an incredibly crazy but believable and emotional reason for it. Otherwise they're just cribbing the "Joker made Jason Todd into Robin" plot from Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws Zero Issue. Which I ranted and raved about back then.

Time for a flashback to after Dick was gassed by the Scarecrow and Batman rushed him back to the Batcave to describe the experience. I mean to care for him! No, no. It really was just to describe the experience. Batman is one hard motherfucker.

I like how Dick is giving Bruce a little side glance as he admits to his fear, just waiting for Batman to assure him it's not true. Or fearful Bruce is going to agree.

Bruce tells Robin that he saw nothing when he was dosed. Now Dick's memory ramps up his paranoia that what Bruce saw had something to do with Mother and her help in creating the Robins. His flashback is interrupted by Helena with more information. It seems Poppy ate her nanites. But before doing so, one of them hacked her cell phone and figured out where Poppy's outgoing calls to Gotham were headed. To a place where Bruce Wayne is being celebrated. Dick ditches the other kids and rushes off to save Bruce in much the same way Batman would have ditched them all without actually telling them all the details and asking for help. He really is a good Batman replacement!

Tim Drake mans the Batcomputer to watch Dick's back while Cassandra Cain and Harper Row slip off into the shadows to hopefully get that Batkid sex going. Somebody's got to do something sexual soon! I'd be happy with Red Hood pulling out his balls and lying them against Tim's neck as Tim is concentrating on the Batcomputer!

Bruce Wayne gets invited to check out the kitchen at the "Welcome Back, Bruce Wayne (Again!)" party. But instead of getting a tasty treat, he gets ambushed by a bunch of Mother's children. He'd better hope his martial arts training wasn't written over by the Dionesium!

Batman and Robin Eternal #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'd better give it as many increases in rank as I can while I'm still enjoying the interactions of the Batkids. I have a feeling when Bruce's Bat-secret is revealed, things are going to get incredibly stupid and outlandish and unbelievable and insane and I'm really not going to be very happy about it all.

Batman and Robin Eternal #2

How dare The Scarecrow interrupt blow job time.

This would be a fun comic book if it were just about Dick Grayson remembering his early adventures with Batman. Maybe a present day story introducing Cassandra Cain could also take place but why does it have to be some kind of crazy revelation to Batman and Robin's history? DC doesn't remember that the word "subtle" exists in the English language. What did we learn from Batman Eternal? I know it's hard to remember what it was about because it took 52 weeks to complete but let's try and remember. What we learned was that Batman is a shittier detective than DC Comics would like us to believe. He was nearly beaten by Cluemaster. No, let me amend that statement! He was beaten by Cluemaster! He would have been killed by Cluemaster if Lincoln March hadn't come along and accidentally saved Batman by killing Cluemaster. So after fifty-two weeks, we learned that Cluemaster is the greatest Batman villain of all time. I would have accepted that story if Steph had been the one to kill Cluemaster though. Then Batman would have taken her under his wing to train her because he would have seen a spark of genius and the ability to survive. He would have wanted to save her because her father was just gunned down! But she would have been a seriously flawed Robin because she would always worry that she wasn't good enough because her last action before becoming a Robin was killing even if it was to save Batman's life. That I would have accepted. Having Cluemaster's financier save Batman? Almost as ridiculous as having Cluemaster beat Batman!

What I'm trying to say is I really hope this comic book doesn't try so hard that it's bound to disappoint. I just want to see young Dick Grayson working with Bruce Wayne. Hopefully when Dick finds out the crazy super secret that Bruce never wanted Dick to know, he'll just shake his head and mutter Bruce's name and forget all about it.

This issue begins with The Orphan about to kill Harper Row. He's toyed with her the appropriate amount of time that will ensure he'll fail. Villains really need to learn to pull the trigger quicker. You know what kind of villain would be a great success? A premature ejaculator! Just about all of the villains in comics right now are delayed ejaculators who never get to experience the money shot before their partner falls asleep tired and frustrated.

I was going to scan the panel where Spoiler inevitably flies through the window and beats the crap out of The Orphan but it wound up spanning two pages and that's just too much for my tight little scanner. Also it was Cassandra Cain and not Spoiler. So instead I'll scan a picture of The Orphan crying like Teleman after Death Rock fart's loudly in Teleman's face and then Death Rock blames it on Teleman and everybody calls Teleman gross for farting.

The tears are from the humiliation and the powerful sting of Death Rock's butt wind.

I wonder if I could convince Death Rock and other members of the Galactic Hero Corps to write some comic book reviews for me? I could work on all of my novels if I could talk them into doing this work for me!

Harper Row has a Mucous Membrane poster on her wall which proves she's actually the coolest of all of Batman's sidekicks. I wonder if she'll add some occult mumbo-jumbo to some of her future technological marvels?

Dick Grayson arrives at Harper's place because he's following a hunch he got after chewing the Batgum Cassandra gave to him. He flips and flops up the side of the building while Steph watches from outside and slowly unzips her pants so she can get her whole fist in there.

Splorch! Squorch! Splotch! Squarsh! Shplorph!

I hope I spelled the sex sounds right! That's how they sound like they're spelled whenever I listen to Nice Alice and Death Rock having sex in Insectorama's bed. Some of the sounds might be wrong because they're mixed with the sound of Insectorama's muffled screams because they usually do it while he's still in the bed. Death Rock says he comes harder when "some Jovi fan is struggling for breath with my knee on his throat."

Between Cassandra and Harper's taser, The Orphan gets knocked out the window. Dick catches him because he forgot about Batman's rule where if you forget to catch the bad guy as they fall to their death, it isn't your fault. Dick gets one of The Orphan's knees to his face for his efforts which probably would have made Batman laugh! He would have been all, "You forgot page six hundred and seventy nine of my Manual of Not Ever Being Blamed for a Bad Guy's Death!" Cassandra goes after the escaping Orphan as Dick checks on Harper and Stephanie struggles to remove her fist from her vagina.

That's her catch phrase? "Spoiler Alert"?

Here's a spoiler alert for you, Spoiler! If you want to maintain the integrity of your secret identity, maybe don't announce who your roommate is when you're in costume and your roommate isn't in costume and also when you are in your flat.

Cassandra knocked the tubes out of The Orphan's mask as they were fighting and now Dick Grayson smells fear gas. It sends him into a sweet nostalgic flashback when he was Robin and working with Batman. They had chased Doctor Crane into a cornfield outside of Gotham.

Thanks for the unnecessary information, Batman!

Maybe the information about crop circles isn't extraneous information! Maybe Batman will discover that The Scarecrow's fear toxin is what makes people create crop circles! Maybe the circles are representative of their greatest fears!

Dick Grayson experiences his first dose of fear toxin when The Scarecrow ambushes them. His revealed fear is that he's too jolly and upbeat for The Batman and that he's just not good enough. I can see how he would worry about that when he's just starting out. But by now, he's probably the only Robin who knows better. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dick Grayson actually realizes he's better at being Batman than Batman is, although he'd never say so out loud!

Tim Drake stops by Harper's apartment so that she can put a fist in her vagina too. I hope this issue ends with a big sex party! What was the rating on the cover? Darn. Rated T for Teen! Stupid teens aren't ready to know about sex so there won't be any sex in this issue. You'll have to learn somewhere else how guys and girls do it. And when you do, send me a message so I can confirm whether you got it right or not. Maybe send pictures too?

Dick realizes that the first four people on the cartoon that came with the Batgum are almost all currently in the apartment. The only one missing is Jason Todd. So they give him a call only to discover he's hanging out at Noonan's Sleazy Bar and pointing a gun at Cassandra Cain. I guess The Orphan got away. Maybe The Orphan is Hacken!

Batman and Robin Eternal #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've been wanting a comic book that focuses on all of the bat children for quite some time and this issue did a good job of shoving them all into the same space. Tim and Jason didn't get much time but maybe next issue will really get these kids working together. Poor Batman. I think he's best on his own or with the Justice League. He never really works great with his sidekicks because, inevitably, the writer will make him treat them like garbage. But he raises some interesting kids who truly care for each other (sometimes. Like, you know, when Jason Todd isn't threatening to shoot them all). I like how this comic is getting Harper right in the mix, and getting Steph and Cassandra back into it. It won't satisfy the people who believe the history and stories of characters are rendered non-existent once DC changed continuity. Only maturity can rectify that as they realize that comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist. It's just best to believe that all stories you love are true, all the stories you hate never happened, and never, ever take your cue about what to believe from the people in charge.

Aquaman #40

After freeing Willy from captivity, Aquaman forced Willy to risk his life battling dangerous super villains.

This cover actually looks like Aquaman is pulling back the trident to spear the killer whale. I wouldn't put it past him. Aquaman is a dick.

Last issue ended with Aquaman and Mera being hunted by a volcano god named Karaku and by his mother named Atlanna. Karaku also doesn't mind if he kills Atlanna and her people as well so Aquaman and Mera just need to hide long enough for their enemies to wipe each other out. Although, I suppose if I think like a human being with a heart that actually likes their family members, Aquaman probably doesn't want Atlanna murdered.

I bet Aquaman especially wouldn't want Atlanna to die if he's thought through the probable ending of this adventure! If she's still alive then she is still the Queen of Atlantis which means that he isn't responsible for all of that ruling bullshit anymore! He can go back to living in the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Mera and Aquadog and the police woman that has been taking care of Aquadog because I bet she'd be into a three-way relationship. I would be into reading about their three-way relationship.

Atlanna's Advisor who has been hanging out with Aquaman and Mera has a painful purple memory about the Karaqan and how it was raised to battle Karaku. Aquaman is all, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Can someone shut this woman up so I can come up with a plan that probably involves Mera saving everybody's asses since she has the best super power here?"

Evans isn't just good with shapes. He knows his colors too! Also Mera's ass. Homina.

Aquaman leaves Mera's protective water bubble to help his mother. His mother's rhinoceros is vaporized by a blast of lava which is total bullshit. I'm sick of these Atlanteans enslaving other creatures to fight their battles for them. How is that civilized?! They should just keep them penned up to use for meat and dairy! Anything else is just cruel!

Doctor Evans comes wading out to inform Aquaman that Lenu the Advisor has figured out how to defeat the Fire Trolls using her purple vision. That's when he finds out that he's not the perfect shape to fit in the hands of a fire troll.

Not even close. P.S. Ha ha!

If Doctor Evans dies, how are they ever going to fit shapes into shape-shaped recesses?! Do they give away posthumous Nobel Prizes for shape-matching?

Now, you all saw that picture I scanned of Doctor Evans getting fucked up, right? Aquaman saw the same thing which makes me wonder why, after getting Evans free, Aquaman says to him, "They'll have first aid in the sub." What the fuck kind of first aid is it?! Does it contain some kind of miracle band-aids?! A regenerative salve?! A new, non-broken body in which to download Evans' mind?! Even Evans, as he lays there dying, is embarrassed by his naivete.

Evans tells Arthur how to defeat the Fire Trolls and then frees up some space for more useful characters to come along. And then Aquaman is smashed by Karaku's huge flaming fist. Mera, who doesn't realize that she's in a comic book with Aquaman's name on the cover (and if she did, wouldn't she be pissed? Why the fuck doesn't she get shared billing?), screams his name because she thinks he was just killed. Aquaman's mother simply shrugs her shoulders.

But then Atlanna has second thoughts on letting him die when she sees Mera hop into action. She recognizes a truly powerful person when she sees one and Mera might turn her wrath on Atlanna if Atlanna doesn't help save Arthur. So she pulls him away from the battle as Mera takes the shape of a battle mech and punches Karaku in the head with a huge fist of water. Which is the only way to defeat the fire trolls! Karaku falls down dead as Aquaman looks on impotently.

With Mera and Arthur nearly exhausted, Atlanna approaches to finish them off with her horde of dinosaurs. But Arthur sees her dinosaurs and raises her...well, whatever the hell all of these things are.

You know, Aquaman, these sea creatures have lives of their own. You think they want to be coerced into coming up on shore to risk their lives for your family problems? Asshole.

Atlanna finally acknowledges that Arthur is her son and he's all, "Cool. That's all I wanted. We'll be going now, mom!" And she's all, "Bye! Maybe call first next time?"

Atlanna leaves her royal signet with Aquaman so that Atlantis will stop trying to shake itself to death. So I guess Arthur is still saddled with leadership. How annoying! For the life of me, I can't understand why anybody wants power or leadership. It's a fucking prison, man!

Aquaman #40 Rating: No change. I feel like sometimes comic creators come up with ideas to base a story arc on but then really don't know how to make that arc matter in any significant way. This story was based on the supposition that Arthur's mother was actually still alive. And she was! And...well...that's it! Arthur learned he has a mommy out there that doesn't really want anything to do with him or Orm or Atlantis. At least not right now. But what really happened in that revelation? How have things changed? What did Aquaman learn? I certainly wasn't paying enough attention, or maybe I'm simply just not smart enough, to understand the importance of this story. My favorite part was when the talking monkey fell into the labyrinth of monsters! That was silly!