The Unexpected #1

You really only have a limited number of times you can use the catchphrase, "Nobody expects...The Unexpected!"

I'm not surprised I don't recognize anybody on the cover because you know why. You read the same title that I just read. Stop playing dumb.

The woman in the front who is about to engage in oral sex with the reader is named Firebrand. I vaguely remember her getting a scene in one of the previous "The New Age of Heroes" comic books (New Challengers, I think). She's a fighter who loves to fight in and out of the ring. That's a secret shortcut to writing a strong female character. You can tell she's strong because in the first page, she knocks out Killer Croc with one punch. You can tell she's female because of the boobies. I know that joke risks alienating the trans community due to erasure but sometimes you have to take risks to become a leading comedy writer known for their third grade humor. Plus it's empowering to the trans community that I think they're way too smart for my stuff, right?

Speaking of society's double standards for boobies, remember that scene in Mad Men when Ginsberg cuts off his nipple and gives it to Peggy? What if Peggy had cut off her nipple and given it to Michael? Would it have been too obscene for television to show the nipple in the box once it's been detached from Peggy's breast? Where is the line drawn between being able to show a nipple on television and not being able to show a nipple on television? What if Peggy had just found a detached nipple left on her desk? Would ambiguity make the nipple offensive to a censor's tastes? Can a trans man's nipple be shown? What about a trans woman's nipple? It can't just be that the nipple on fatty tissue is obscene because remember that show The Biggest Loser? There were a lot of exposed nipples on large breasts in that show but they were deemed acceptable for some reason. Why are nipples such a contentious aspect in the discussion on vulgarity and human body?

Don't misunderstand me! I don't think there is anything vulgar about the human body at all! I mean as long as I'm attracted to the specific human body we're talking about. I don't want to see stuff I don't want to see! You know the stuff! Gross!

I would describe the stuff I don't want to see but I don't want to be called a fat shaming homophobe. Anyway, I just got rid of all of the full length mirrors in my house and solved the problem.

Firebrand was a civilian killed during Metal. But she got a new futuristic heart that only keeps working if she gets into a fight every twenty four hours. Don't ask how it works. That's boring detail that doesn't really matter. Just know that her heart is called "the Conflict Engine" which is the only reason you need to understand why something this stupid would be developed.

Weird Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news! The bad news: we brought you back to life by giving you a new heart. Welcome back to the pain of existence! The good news? You legally get to beat somebody's ass once per day to keep yourself alive!"
Firebrand:: "Wait. What? Why?!"
Weird Doctor:: "No time to explain! I have to rush off to give somebody a fake rectum who will then have to eat three large linguiça and jalapeño pizzas per day or they'll die! Good luck!"

Firebrand currently explains her life by being so contradictory that I don't care anymore. Not that I cared at all from the beginning. But I needed some way to end that initial sentence that didn't take a lot of effort to construct.

Every scumbag in New Jersey knows where to find her but the CIA and some black ops corporation have no idea where to look. *shrug*

I get it, lazy writer. The heart wants what it wants and what your heart wants is for readers to simply accept the scenario you've created without thinking about it critically at all! Although I will allow myself to be wrong in this instance. Because generally what comic book writers have found is that readers are so willing to accept every idea that they'll do all the critical thinking they can to contort reason and logic until they can explain away anything in a comic book they like. It's just too bad nobody has any reason to like this comic book yet! Unless you're one of those people who read one word from a new character and instantly claim "THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!" just in case the character becomes super popular. Then you can claim to be the character's biggest fan! Good for you!

What I'm trying to say is that Firebrand is totally my new favorite character.

An evil guy named Alden Quench wearing a Project Runway outfit comes to take Firebrand's heart. He spouts a lot of stuff that would make people who read Metal think "That sounds familiar!" which ties everything together and satisfies my need for closure. It might not provide the link to Metal that other people need but remember how I said I don't care anymore? That makes me easier to please than other readers of this book.

Alden Quench calls himself Bad Samaritan which is a totally racist stereotype of Samaritans. The only reason Jesus tells a story about a Good Samaritan is that everybody in Jesus's time simply accepted that all Samaritan's were terrible people. He might as well call himself simply "The Samaritan" (except I think that bad guy was already taken by an enemy of The Outsiders (unless he was also called The Bad Samaritan! (double unless this is actually him!))).

A huge fight breaks out between The Unexpected (who arrive to help Firebrand for selfish reasons) and the Bad Samaritan putting everybody in the hospital at risk. So because Firebrand exists, regular people are endangered. I really don't want to be on the side of the argument that claims heroes endanger everybody but come on! I can't get any stories that don't prove the paranoid civilians are wrong!

The leader of The Unexpected is a guy named Neon who is probably an Aurakle like Halo because he gets cut in half and rainbows slosh out. The Bad Samaritan splashes this rainbow blood on Firebrand and then chops her in the heart with Viking Judge's axe (Viking Judge might not be her real name but I sincerely hope that it is). In so doing, he kills himself and creates a new Nth Metal isotope.

Meanwhile beneath the surface of Thanagar, a guy named Onimar Synn eats a dinosaur guy and then settles down for a nice long pout. I guess he wants to eat Firebrand's heart but its too far away. FOR NOW!

Anyway, The Bad Samaritan created something called Destruction Metal. It's going to blow a hole in the multiverse if Neon and Firebrand don't do something about it. Viking Judge and Ascendant (the woman with the horns and the blue guy on the cover) apparently died in the conflict. I'm glad I didn't declare they were my favorite characters!

Rating: You know what? Going against my screaming brain, I'm going to buy the second issue of this comic book. It's interesting even if it's relying on that same old lazy premise that I keep shitting all over: heroes that exist only to be targets of super villains. In this one, people want Firebrand's heart and they'll hurt the entire world to get it. Neon might be trying to save the Multiverse though which is one reason I'll hang around for a bit. I would like The Unexpected to be some kind of multiversal freedom fighters. Apparently they haven't been doing too good a job so far though because worlds keep dying around them.

P.S. Subscribe to the E!TACT Newsletter for even more reviews of whatever I find lying around the house.

Teen Titans #7

When Beast Boy turns into an squid, which part of him is his penis?

The Review!
It's too bad I decided to make this one of my short reviews where I read the comic book first and then type some shit that isn't particularly enlightening or entertaining because I love when I'm angry and I get to read a Benjamin Percy comic book! But he's off the hook this month. Especially since this issue was so mediocre that I would have been too busy yawning to actually get mad at anything. See, what happens here is Robin tells Aqualad he is the worst and then Robin almost gets killed by King Shark but then Aqualad saves Robin after which Robin admits that maybe Aqualad isn't totally the worst. This story was basically done with a comic book plot stencil. I suppose the real twist was that King Shark proved himself to be an abominable failure. So when readers get to the end of the book thinking, "Wait. That's it? King Shark and his army of shark men were defeated that easily?", they'll be super surprised by the revelation that Black Manta is now interested in destroying the Teen Titans because of Aqualad. If other readers are like me, they turned the page, saw the Black Manta reveal, and said, "Fuck this motherfucking cunt! King Shark is way more entertaining!"

This is another thing I thought when Black Manta showed up to mention his interest in Aqualad (who's probably his gay son): "Oh great! The Teen Titans still aren't going to be heroes, are they? Here they go again battling family members instead of saving the world!"

I suppose their defeat of King Shark counts as doing something heroic even if they mostly just saved a lousy local on the street news reporter. All those idiots add to the world are segments where they ask ignorant people how they feel about something that didn't affect them. "What do you think about the shooting in the park nearby?" "Oh, you know, it's scary. I have a child. My child is mortal. So scary!" I don't understand the need of people to answer questions when a local reporter sticks a microphone in their face.

The Ranking!
No change!

Teen Titans #6

Nobody wants Aqualad on the team. NOBODY!

I know there are Aqualad fans. But nobody respects them. NOBODY!

I have now hurt the feelings of serious Aqualad fans but I will not apologize. They should be made to cry every hour so they can wet themselves in solidarity with their stupid fave who will shrivel and die if he doesn't get splashed twenty four times a day.

See? Now everybody should understand why I hate Aqualad! Because I only remember the old version who was terrible and made me want to become a bully every time I saw him in a comic book. I normally don't judge anybody by their looks but there was something about him that made me want to shove a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into his face.

Now I've hurt the feelings of everybody who looks like old style Aqualad! Don't worry! I'd never actually shove a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in your face. But if I saw you crying in a corner at a convention covered in peanut butter and jelly, I'd probably mockingly call you Garth.

This entire preamble makes me sound like a bigger monster than all the previous preambles that made me look like a monster (which was most of them).

How about I just read the comic book and try to pretend I don't hate Aqualad? I mean, have I ever really given this Aqualad a chance? He wasn't awful in Young Justice, right?

I guess whoever escaped was in prison for fucking puppies and butterflies.

The Review!
The issue begins with Damian watching a news report about the escaped convicts. The report immediately goes from the convicts to shark attacks being up four hundred percent. So that means there have been, like, four shark attacks this year? I suppose there could be more if she's just talking about shark attacks in general along the entire coast of California. But I'm assuming she specifically means the Bay Area. Why would the Teen Titans care if people were being eaten by sharks in San Diego? That's not their territory! Let Animal Man take care of that shit.

Anyway, that probably means the shark attacks and the prison break have more in common than anybody suspects. Was King Shark ever arrested for fucking puppies and butterflies?

Damian is spending quality time with Goliath because, in comic book terms, Goliath isn't a boring pet. I'd like to see Damian have some loving interactions with Batcow. I'm beginning to think he takes Batcow for granted.

If Benjamin Percy hadn't written so many comic books about how racism is bad, I might look side-eye at that "yo."

Remember the way Vibe was written in the eighties? Sometimes white male writers trying to write an authentic minority character stray a little too far into the field of stereotypes. Unless Percy just thinks adding "yo" to the end of a statement is just how young people speak. I can accept that. What I can't accept is that he wants to try to capture how young people speak. It's impossible! It's so unauthentic in so many ways that you'd be better off not to bother. Using terms to identify with a particular group isn't the sole territory of young people, of course. Everybody does it to prove their in-group credentials. I mean, I don't, of course! I'm so unique, I make up my own words! That's probably why nobody can fucking understand my intelligent and wise digressions.

Is throwing up in my mouth due to the phrase "mouth orgasm" a mouth orgasm? Because if it is, I am spent.

Beast Boy serves a vegetarian meal because it's his turn to cook. Everybody disrespects his decision and Wally runs off to steal some pizzas. What a bunch of assholes. It's one night per week! Fucking respect Beast Boy's dietary choices! Granted, his tofu platter might be terrible. But it isn't terrible simply because it's tofu. Nobody even tastes it to see if it's any good! It looks like deep fried tofu chunks in some kind of curry sauce. And if that's what it is, I'll have seconds! After my mouth wakes up from the nap caused by the orgasm.

After lunch, Titans Island is invaded by a reporter seeking a totally non-hit piece about the new group of heroes bringing serious danger to San Francisco residents while selfishly blocking those residents' ocean view. I hope she makes them look terrible! Her name is Bonnie Chung and she's probably a devotee of Brother Blood. That's how things work in Teen Titans comic books, right?!

Bonnie, live on the air, calls the West Coast "the Best Coast." She also says the Teen Titans tower is "the freshest, hottest, superhero pad on the planet." She must be the member of staff who does the local fluff pieces to make it seem like their city is the most exciting city to live in. Also, she might be a fraud because she works for KARE Channel 7. Excuse me, comic book. But I grew up in the Bay Area and Channel 7 is KGO. This comic book is so unrealistic.

Beast Boy gives Bonnie a tour of Titans Tower while proving he's a lech and an asshole who can't go two minutes without sexually harassing a female member of the team or humiliating a male member. Some people reading might think he's hilarious. But then those people don't have to live with him. I wonder how many pairs of Raven's panties he has hidden under his mattress? I was going to say "Starfire's panties" but I doubt she wears them. Also, panties. That word is almost as ludicrous as finger-banging and lovemaking.

Meanwhile in landlocked New Mexico, Aqualad is fucking with his poor fish! He's all, "I have power over you! Ah ha ha ha! Bend to my will!" Also, his name is Jackson Hyde. That has to be one of the most dangerous last names. How many Hydes die each year when a maniac or tiger is running loose on the streets and somebody yells, "Hide! Hide!" Everybody hides but the Hyde is all, "Yeah? What dude?", as he casually turns and gets brutally devoured or chopped up, respectively. I mean, non-respectively, unless the maniac is a cannibal and the tiger has carving knives tied to its paws.

He's trying hard to be different because he's a teenager! Duh!

So Aqualad is gay. The above panel is the third panel after he's been introduced. You have to get that sexuality thing out there as quickly as possible before all the heteros start believing the character is one of them by default. Percy's reveal here is as good a way to do it as I've seen even if the writer part of me always bristles at the way sexuality has to be mentioned as quickly as possible. Since it's an unseen component of a person's make-up, it obviously needs to be mentioned to be known. Remember, there were decades and decades of comic books where gay characters just didn't exist and gay fans just had to read into every detail as best they could to find a hero they could point to and say, "See? Totally gay!" If sexuality isn't mentioned, the status quo will assume heterosexuality. At some point in the future, writers will be able to introduce a team of young superheroes without instantly calling out which ones like to fuck which other ones and people reading won't automatically assume they're all hetero. It'll be a much more exciting time of fan speculation and intrigue because non-hetero sexuality won't be taboo; it will just be accepted. Until then, just get used to somebody pointing out that a character isn't heterosexual as quickly as possible. Look, there's still some mystery to what Aqualad's penis is up to. He might also like to fuck women! And fish!

How about keeping him safe by backing his play and flipping the fuck out on anybody who disrespects him rather than trying to convince him to not be the best Jackson Hyde he can be? Which — let's face it — isn't going to be that great considering he's Aqualad.

Meanwhile back at the interview slash tour, Bonnie Chung is all, "This was a great interview. It's totes going to go viral! You're going to be so famous!" Then she disappears into the Bay, hopefully to never be seen again because she's been eaten by a shark.

Oh, that interruption didn't last long. And I guess Beast Boy didn't care that Bonnie disappeared under the water because the scene shifts back to New Mexico where Aqualad is already talking about the Teen Titans tour video that went viral (I guess KARE didn't really care either? They have a whole hour between five and six that they need to fill!). Some hero Beast Boy turned out to be! Did he forget he could have turned into a penguin and followed after her? Sure, he didn't see her disappear under the water. But he did see her scarf lying on the water. He couldn't even bother to investigate?

So back in New Mexico where Aqualad has seen the viral video and is all jazzed about maybe being a Teen Titan, he decides to show his boyfriend his powers. His boyfriend decides to treat Aqualad like a pariah because why not? The guy is already dating a dark skinned gay guy with weird mutant tattoos. You can't expect him to accept much more than that! He's all, "Dude! I know we were just talking about how my dad doesn't accept me for who I am and how it sucks but, um, you know what? I can't accept you for who you are, freak!"

Aqualad decides to move to San Francisco. That's like Mecca for gays! I hope that wasn't disrespectful to Mecca and/or fucking other guys in the ass!

I bet the main people I offended with that last sentence were lesbians because I didn't account for them with that whole fucking other guys in the ass thing. But adding something more would have ruined the flow of that super intelligent and wise statement!

Meanwhile, the Teen Titans are attacked by King Shark. He must want Beast Boy so he can ask him to turn into a puppy or a butterfly.

The Ranking!
No change! This has all the aspects of Teen Titans comic books that drive me completely crazy. That being said, it's one of the better incarnations so far!

Teen Titans #5

I lose interest in every cover that has von Grawbadger's name on it because I just start thinking, "Who is this mysterious man?!"

I finally decided to ask Lord Google about Wade von Grawbadger and this is what he initially said: "Wade von Grawbadger is a comic book artist who is known mostly for his inking work for Marvel and DC comics." Excuse me for arguing immediately, Lord Google, but I'd say Wade von Grawbadger is mostly known for having the name von Grawbadger. Also, that blurb from Lord Google? It was actually from Princess Wikipedia and comprises fifty percent of the total Wikipedia entry on Wade von Grawbadger. I knew he was mysterious!

The Review!
This issue finishes paving the way for a resurgence in Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans paradigm. A bunch of teens living in a huge tower in the bay of a city that needs to prepare for all the death and destruction that the teens in their tower will draw to it. This new group of Teen Titans exists for several different ideological reasons. First, it gives Damian a place to go outside of Batman's purview. He now has a place where he can masturbate without having to crank up the stereo and lock the door. I bet he even built a huge room just for masturbation! It's a lot like the Danger Room except sexier. Both rooms are clearly marked because nobody wants the Danger Room to fire up in mid-masturbation.

The second reason this team exists is to inspire others. They have inspired the Demon's Fist to be more rebellious teenagers. Even Mara suddenly doesn't want the thing she's always wanted most. Although that might have more to do with Ra's being a huge dickfuck rather than the Teen Titans being inspiring visions of strength and hope. The ludicrous T-shaped tower in the bay is supposed to inspire regular, mortal San Francisco kids as well. They will look up from the streets of The City and dream about the day they might also discover they have a billionaire father who will give them all the money they need to build an audacious clubhouse blocking the ocean view of every resident in The City.

Lastly, the team exists for friendship! Not the real kind of friendship where people meet in the dark corner of some forced social event and discover their shared joy of mocking everybody else. Nor is it the friendship of the sidekicks of heroes who find themselves in each other's company due to end of the world threats and find that they actually enjoy hanging out with each other and maybe they'd like to not have to wait until the world ends to go see Die Hard together. No, this is the friendship of a story arc that needs to cement the team member's relationship as quickly as possible so the readers can pretend that the members of the group actually trust and care about each other in future story arcs.

Other reasons might exist but I fulfilled the obligation of the high school three paragraph argument essay so I don't have to think of any more. But if more exist, they probably have to do with proving that racism is terrible, seeing as how Benjamin Percy is writing this comic book. He just won't rest until everybody not only knows racism is bad but super-duper knows it's bad!

The Ranking!
-1! It gets a negative ranking for the following panel as I stand in solidarity with my fellow McDonald's loving Nebraskans against this kind of elite nonsense:

Mostly that's just one Nebraskan I know.

Teen Titans #4

I'm excited for the trial by wombat!

The Review!
It's probably not fair that I judge this group of Teen Titans as if they were just a holdover of Marv Wolfman's messed up kids. These kids have to get to know each other and learn to trust each other before they can spend all of their time not doing anything heroic. So I'm cutting them some slack for this first story arc. How can they save the world if they're not actually a team? But once they've committed to being the Teen Titans, I'll definitely get back to pointing out how they aren't making the world any safer and are probably just making San Francisco more dangerous.

This issue, Beast Boy saw how Robin was ready to give himself up to Ra's al Ghul to save the others. He then goes back to the others and is all, "Let's ruin Robin's sacrifice and save him instead!" The others are all, "Yeah! That's what friends do!" Then they go save Damian.

The Ranking!
No change. Next issue will be the big fight and hopefully the end of this arc. After that, the team will probably have to fight Trigon or Blackfire or Reverse Flash or Mento. This comic is off to a good start in that the antagonists are Damian's cousin and his grandfather. The Teen Titans rarely fight anybody who isn't a relative.

Teen Titans #3

Super-villain teams should really think about hiring twice the members of their rival team.

The Review!
Back in the past (not more than six years ago or else Damian would practically be a fetus in the memory), Damian and Mara were battling cousins. They were drawn like adults although in some panels the artist over-corrected and then they looked like sword wielding toddlers. In the past, Damian proved to Mara that he as better at everything. It seems Damian's been trying to prove to everybody forever that he's better than everyone. He's probably compensating for his lack of a father figure, his overburderning mother, and his too legendary to live up to legend of his grandfather. Also probably his tiny penis but he won't understand that overcompensation until he's older or Starfire begins to try to fuck him.

Meanwhile in the present, the Teen Titans are proving their moral compass is just as broken as the previous team's.

"Robin steals billion dollar machines that he probably shouldn't even be flying? SUPER COOL! Can we also break into a prisons and help harbor fugitives?"

The Teen Titans rush off to hide from the Demon's Fist because they're terrible at being a team. But Starfire is ready to beat the Demon's Fist because slavery or something. She's totally passionate about that subject. And Kid Flash is ready to beat the Demon's Fist because they stuck a tracker up his penis. And Changeling and Raven are ready because what else do they have to do (aside from Raven starring in her own six issue series which could have probably been two issues)?

The old Preboot Titans once went camping to get their heads straight and to bond as a team. Now these Rebirth Teen Titans decide that the best way to defeat the Demon's Fist is to make S'mores together.

Waiting around? Changeling does know why he's called Kid Flash, doesn't he?

Over the campfire, the members of the new Teen Titans all learn they have serious family issues. Starfire's sister is a slaver. Raven's father is a demon rapist. Kid Flash's father is Reverse Flash (and probably somewhere in the stone age). Robin's grandfather is the leader of the League of Assassins. And Beast Boy's father is Mento. But his mother is Elasti-Girl! Or maybe not. Beast Boy says he's lost his family and this is Rebirth. Maybe his old history was too complicated to go back to. Easier to believe his parent are dead than have them exist in the Young Animal universe while he's in this one.

I don't know that Rita Farr or Steve Dayton will wind up in the Young Animal version of Doom Patrol but probably! I think Rita may have already been mentioned.

The team begins to get comfortable with each other which means it's immediately time for Beast Boy to begin sexually harassing Starfire. Some things never change, I guess!

Damian realizes his team is a bunch of soft losers so he sneaks off to throw himself before his grandfather to plead for their lives. If Ra's calls off the Demon's Fist, Damian will rejoin the League of Assassins and throw away years of hard work with Batman. I guess that's what it means to have pals! But Beast Boy saw him fly off so if the Teen Titans really are Damian's new pals, they'll come rescue him.

The Ranking!
No change! So far this has followed the template for a Teen Titans comic book perfectly. Bunch of heroes with family problems wind up forming a superhero team that never actually does anything heroic and simply spends all of its time defending itself from personal threats. Great job, Percy!

Earth Too: Society #15

Everything on this cover pales in comparison to the name "von Grawbadger".

The Review!
This comic book has done so many about faces that I'm throwing up. First the world is going to be terraformed. Then it's not. Now it is again. First Green Lantern doesn't want to help the world. Then he does. Then he gives up his ring. Then he gets it back. First Dick loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid. Then he finds his kid. Then he loses his kid! I haven't checked but I don't think I'm exaggerating on the amount of times he found and lost his kid. Anyway, the book should be over soon and Earth-Too should once again be Earth-2! I hope. I've definitely had enough of this broken planet full of paranoid assholes who won't even try to use solar power. I'm also sick of the people on the planet in the comic book!

The Commentary!
Last issue, two major plot developments took place. First, Dick Grayson finally found his son. Second, everybody decided to start calling the Pandora Vessel "The Pandora Casket". Both revelations rocked the foundations of what comic books could be! Who knew you could just start referring to something as something completely different! But Dan Abnett thinks outside of the box, or the vessel, or the casket...whatever! He decided to look continuity straight in the eye and say, "Not today!" Or maybe he just forgot what he had been calling it and his editors were just phoning it in at this point because who cares about a non-Rebirth book at this point? Also, and this is a controversial position, maybe switching "vessel" to "casket" isn't as big a deal to Continuity Nerds as I would have expected. But this is a serious change of characterization of Pandora's Whatever! Vessels and Caskets aren't generally used to hold the same types of things! Which, now that I think about it, is probably why Abnett changed it to a casket. Vessel seems to describe it's purpose, to house and transport the souls of another world (which I totally imagine as a soupy liquid, another thing a vessel would hold!). But a casket seems to describe its superficial look. It's a small, ornamental box. Although a casket is also used to hold precious things, so I guess...what the fuck am I talking about?! Obviously the most important thing to happen was Dick Grayson finally reuniting with his kid!

Ultra-Humanite has convinced Dick's kid that he's his ape-father. But Dick's kid, John, remembers what his dad looks like and that he's not a monkey of any kind (unless you believe in that gobbledygook evolution crap!). Now John has two dads and not in the way most Americans have two dads. You know, because your mom and dad divorced and your mom remarried. The other way, where your two dads love each other and make strange grunting noises in their bedroom, is less common. It's even less common to have two dads where one is a monkey with the most disgusting head I've ever seen. Wear a fucking hat, Ultry!

Should I criticize the art for the first eight pages? No, I don't think I should. Normally I wouldn't mind criticizing the art. But this art is so bad and amateurish that I would feel like a professional kickboxer strutting out onto an elementary school playground and reaping the whirlwind. My words versus their art? It just wouldn't be a fair fight.

I hope the big surprise ending is that Ultra-Humanite manages to steal the casket and use it thus transforming Earth-Too into the Earth-2 everybody knows and sort of likes in small doses because that's the Earth where he had the most fun. He'll make an Earth-2 with conflicts and villains and superheroes and wars and, hopefully, super pets! And yes, by super pets, I mean Infinity Inc. Burn!

It's also possible this art style is genius and just beyond me. I mean, I never fucking gave a shit about Nirvana, so what do I know about genius?! I think my main problem is how different this is for a replacement artist in a superhero comic book. I'd be absolutely fine, and maybe even intrigued, if this were the style in stand alone story in an issue of Heavy Metal.

My comment about Heavy Metal might be apt because on the next page, Fury has the biggest camel-toe I've ever seen! Amazonian vaginas must be huge! I bet the only person who could give oral sex to an Amazon without drowning would be Aquaman! Oh, and Batman, I guess. But it would be weird having Duke Thomas standing off to the side keeping track of how long Batman was holding his breath.

John, or Firepattern, escapes out the window without the casket but Batman manages to put a Bat-tracker on him. Batman then tells Huntress to hunt him down. Hopefully she doesn't find him and start making out with him. He might look like a nearly grown man but he's just six years old! He's not ready for penetration yet!

Huntress goes after John by jumping out of the window of the skyscraper. She can't fly, right? I guess I'll find out if Huntress becomes a splotch on the sidewalk in the eagerly awaited Earth Too: Society Annual #1! I wasn't being sarcastic about the eagerly awaited part because I'm sure Dan Abnett's mom can't wait to show the issue around to all of her friends. Unless she's like my mom and then she's hoping they don't see anything he writes and often tells people her son is in prison for unspeakable crimes.

Oh, and Huntress's search for Firepattern won't lead back to Ultra-Humanite because he bailed on John. He doesn't like kids who disobey because how do they ignore his mind control?! Fucking selfish bastards.

With the Ultra-Humanite's first attack thwarted, the Wonders regroup.

What does Flash think they're trying to do? Kill some time so he dies and they can go home? You know, like most employees!

Commander Sato determines that the group who attacked had to be working for someone. I'm glad somebody in this group has the nerve to say the obvious! Now that they're all on the same page, they can start rubbing their chins and saying things like, "But who could it be?!"

Alan Scott comes in to answer the question before it's even asked! He also confuses me about how to type the brainy monkey's name! He says Ultrahumanite but he cover says Ultra-Humanite. Dash or no dash?! I'm going to check my Who's Who and rely on it! Answers from 1985 have to be correct because they're so old, right? Let's see...it's with a dash! Alan Scott just said it wrong! Probably due to his head injury.

Pacifist Superman begins an argument with Fury because I think he really likes to fight. He claimed to be a pacifist back when he was locked in a vault for years. It's easy to not fight anybody when there's nobody around to fight! But just spend a few hours around other people and you'll never want to be a pacifist again. You may even begin to understand preemptive strikes better! Although if you're on some kind of oxy or vicodin, you probably won't realize how utterly horrible and annoying your fellow human beings are. I completely understand why people get addicted to that shit. Why would you want to argue with an idiot in the office when you can just float gently on a cloud while they make calm, buzzing noises?

Before a fight can break out, Jay Garrick and Hawkcop come in crying. "Steel is dying!" he cries. "He's dying and you're all in here fuck-fighting with boners and slick vaginas! Have you no respect?!" He probably should come in and say, "Does anybody know in here know how to weld?!"

Alan Scott's plan is to try to work with the Ultra-Humanite. I wonder if Alan is really just into bears? I know he's a monkey but...oh, never mind!

What does the Ultra-Humanite think the Green Lantern is? The One Ring? Nerd!

Ultra-Humanite uses his mind control powers to possess Alan Scott and force Alan to reclaim his ring. Which is weird, I suppose, because the whole point of the last story was to incapacitate Green Lantern. And it was Ultra-Humanite's plan because Green Lantern was the only one he thought could defeat him. And now he forces him to get his ring back because he believes he can control him? This plan doesn't make any sense. Why not stick with your seventy Humanites army who all used to be toddlers and who you feel can take over the world without Green Lantern in their way? Why suddenly do this? Because the stupid kids failed on their first attack? Now they'll fail for sure if Ultra-Humanite loses control of Green Lantern.

Ultra-Humanite sends Green Lantern to steal the Pandora Casket so he can take it back to Ultra-Humanite and he can recreate Earth-2. I hope! Maybe he'll just make a planet of sexy naked ape women with four breasts each. Unless he's into male gorillas. Then he can make a bunch of sexy naked ape men with double the amount of normal ape dongs. I'm guessing that would be two but I've never personally examined a naked ape and don't know for sure.

Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Justice League of America #1

What kind of asshole buys every cover of a $5.99 comic book? I mean besides Bryan Hitch's mother.

Is there a reason we need a Justice League affiliated primarily with America? Did the Justice League need a license to keep operating in the United States? Or does the "America" include all of North and South America as opposed to just the United States which is all most Americans think of when they hear gun control. I mean yogurt. I mean America. My mind must be on something else right now! You might want to go read something that's going to make more sense but will probably discuss masturbation way less.

This issue begins with a DC Comics fan asking, "Why do I need another Justice League book with the same characters?" It's followed by DC Comics punching the fan in the stomach and then kicking them in the head after they've fallen to the ground (because they lost their breath after being punched in their big fat gut) and yelling, "Shut the fuck up, loser! You love me! You can't live without me! Now give me your fucking money!" Then DC Comics rips the wallet off the chain it's hooked to, rips out all the cash, throws the wallet on the ground, squats over it, sprays piss all over the fucking place, and then runs off laughing. It's a really aggressive start to a new series! I like it!

After that scene, we get fifteen pages of just Bryan Hitch's name printed over and over and over again. That should get the blood pumping in all the labias and penises of even the fans who were fairly disinterested in this title to begin with. After reading Bryan Hitch's name that many times in a row, their private parts will be practically frothing and/or quite moist and/or ready to explode, depending on certain factors that I'm unable to fully explain having never had a decent sexual education class in my life. Although at San Jose State University, a sexual education class was mandatory. The only thing I remember from that class is that on the last day, we watched a half hour porn of two old people fucking. I think it was supposed to be enlightening and heartening that people are fully sexual beings until the day they die but being that the room was mostly full of twenty year olds, it was received with dry heaves and lots of "Like, this is totally like gross and like disgusting, for sure! This is like not tubular like at all!" That's my best California accent.

Did you all I know I was a Valley Girl? Well, actually a boy but that wasn't the name of the movie. I just lived in the wrong valley! I grew up in Silicon Valley so I know all the super secret secrets of the technology biz. Like how they call it "biz" instead of "business." And how Atari cartridges weren't just plastic boxes with magic mysteries inside; they contained computer "chips" with programs etched into them by Druids. I should know because my mother worked at Signetics in the late seventies and early eighties. She was laid off when all of you assholes stopped buying Atari Video Game Consoles. Dicks. It's your fault I know what Food Stamps are!

The issue actually begins worse than I pretended it began. It shows Superman failing to save the world from a circle of lights and then floating off into space defeated. Oh no! Another threat that can defeat Superman and cause lots of destruction?! That's so fucking exciting that my dick just flew around the room! Thanks a lot, Bryan Hitch! The only way to catch it is to drop my pants and bend over. Fuck.

So after a few wasted pages of ultimate destruction and Superman failing to save anybody, we finally get to something I want to read about!

I'm glad I scanned this because my dick stopped by to check it out and I was able to grab it.

What I didn't scan was how everybody else in the office of the Daily Bugle were dressed as if work was not a cocktail party. But I guess if you're Lois Lane, life is your cocktail party (emphasis on the "cock"! And possibly the "tail" too!). And don't worry about Lois's right leg in the above scan. I'm pretty sure Bryan Hitch was using the Deformed Leg Filter.

I do have a reason to scan the entire page now so you can check out the non-cocktail garb on everybody but Lois!

Presumably she's at her old desk now waiting for Clark to get in. How the fuck does the sun get in your eyes all the time at a desk in the middle of the building? If only the writer and the artist had better communication!

Meanwhile at The Maw (that's the prison in Metropolis where super villains constantly break out), a super villain is breaking out.

Superman flies to New York to attend that important event put on by The Infinity Corporation. Oh, they must be the geniuses of all geniuses because their name is Infinity. They may as well have called themselves the Big Brained Smarty-Pantses That Are Way Smarter Than Everybody Else and We Know Who Superman Is Too Corporation. You see, the "dress appropriately" bit was a clue because beneath the main part of the invite was Superman's shield reproduced in lead foil. You know, so that he would see it when he used his Magic Vision to check for anthrax. Is it common knowledge that Superman can't see through lead? Or is that just Infinity Corporation knowledge because they're so fucking smart?

This story takes place on Earth-Hitch.

This scene is evidence that really good comic book writers should head back to DC to write comic books again! Look at how Editorial didn't force Bryan Hitch to rewrite his entire concept just because it takes place in a world where nobody knows Superman's secret identity! During the first year or two of The New 52, this would have been thrown back in Hitch's face and he would have been ordered to do a rewrite of months of work and he would have refused and walked off the project and DC would have brought in Scott Lobdell to completely ruin the story. But now DC just shrugs their shoulders and turns over while putting the ball gag in their mouth.

What Superman discovers is that the Infinity Corporation's name is a little too on the nose and not about being arrogant at all. That Superman at the beginning? Not the one from Earth-Hitch. He's just one of many pulled in through some Multiversal Superman Collector built by the Infinity Corporation.

The alternate name for Infinity Corporation was Dead Superman Storage but it was deemed even more too on the nose than Infinity Corporation.

Superman is acting a little bit more aggressive than I'd like in my Superman but since he never explodes into punches and violence, it's fine with me. He's being threatening because he's not being told the whole truth. But when he sees the pile of Superman corpses, he still doesn't fly into a tornado of kicks and punches which is a good sign. I like a Superman with patience! When you're invulnerable to nearly everything, you can afford to hear what other people have to say before knocking them unconscious. Although another Superman is about to arrive at Earth-Hitch and this one is alive! So Superman might have to punch himself since most Supermen have no patience at all.

Helpful hint for anybody ever finding themselves in this situation in the future: stay away from pronouns when delivering desperate, last words. Unless, of course, you're trying to sow confusion and chaos.

After Vincent smashes his lab because he failed to keep an alternate version of Superman alive for the 61st time in a row, he introduces himself to Superman as the man who is trying to save Superman's life. But should Clark trust him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Meanwhile at the New Metropolis Clean Energy Power Plant (that's the power plant that super villains totally want to destroy for kicks), a super villain is setting a plan in motion to destroy it for kicks.

Aquaman is currently busy quelling the fears of the United Nations by not quelling the fears of the United Nations. They're all, "How do we know you won't destroy us landlubbers if you won't sign this horrible treaty that doesn't benefit you at all and gives us all the power?" And Aquaman is all, "Fuck your treaties, you manipulative bastards! Y'all are too used to thinking everybody wants to give up all of their power seeing as how they sign fucked up contracts with cable television providers and cell phone companies." And the United Nations is all, "But we're scared of you! Let us dominate and subjugate you so that we can sleep soundly!" And Aquaman is all, "Not my problem, biznitches! Aquaman out!"

On Earth-Hitch, Aquaman is still on good terms with Atlantis.

Back to Superman and Vincent, Vincent is a genius so of course he's rude and doesn't have time to actually explain anything to Superman. That's really convenient...for the writer! What Vincent does manage to say is no surprise to anybody reading comic books: the whole future is about to end. Fuck you, Bryan Hitch. Fuck you right in your pretty mouth! You know the day comic books began to bore me? The day writers reached the point where they couldn't produce any kind of tension in a story unless the fate of everything was on the line. Comic Book Writers escalated themselves right into Boresville. First the Fate of Lois Lane. Then the Fate of the Daily Planet. Then the Fate of Metropolis. Then the Fate of America. Then the Fate of the World. Then the Fate of the Universe. Then the Fate of the Multiverse. Then the Fate of All Time. Then the Fate of Every Fucking Thing Ever To Exist Ever. And that's where things have been for about ten to fifteen years now. Everything is always at stake. No wonder people like Batman. At least he generally just sticks to keeping Gotham safe. But even his world escalated to the end of the line around Knightfall.

Vincent isn't a genius. He's either a schizophrenic or a character written by somebody with a fairly normal intelligence.

You know who else makes grand statements that they completely believe and expect everybody else to believe as well? Every single looney guest on Coast to Coast AM. So if this genius has just told us that time is not a linear creek but it's a stormy ocean full of fish feces, I suppose that's what it is! And how does that matter at all? Oh yeah! It doesn't because now is all that matters. But if now is all that matters, then can Superman fuck Vincent in the face because it will soon be the past and then Superman can stop feeling guilty about it because the past doesn't matter? And if the past isn't fixed, how come I don't keep not existing and existing and overexisting every second?! If the past isn't fixed, then I never killed that hobo, did I?

Vincent the Genius's plan is for Superman to not die. Easy peasy! But Superman is all, "I don't know if I can do that!" And Vincent is all, "But John Stuart Mill?!" No, no. Actually he mentions Star Trek.

This seems like a confusing example because Spock gave his life for the needs of the many.

Superman is all, "Bah! You're as bad as Madame Xanadu! I won't be tricked into keeping myself alive just because you need your car washed and a pizza delivered!" And Vincent is all, "Wha?!" And Superman is all, "I'll never listen to Madame Xanadu again! End of the world, my ass, if her car isn't freshly waxed and smelling of fresh pepperoni."

Over on Earth-Hitch, Hal Jordan isn't some renegade with a funky ass glove. He's still sporting the power ring and the pilot's haircut. He's arrived to make sure the Clean Energy Power Plant goes online without a...hee hee...hitch! Wonder Woman and The Flash are there and The Flash declares the place is clean. I think that's because he's pretending to run around searching for anything weird because Batman easily spots the Station Wagon sized casket with the blinking green and red lights on the side. I think The Flash was the person Superman was saying not to trust! Careless idiot.

Wait a second! How is this a Clean Energy Power Plant when Green Lantern's invitation to the "major incident" at the plant says "Nuclear Power Facility"? Are we allowed to call Nuclear Power "clean" simply because it doesn't produce air pollutants?! What about all the fucking atomic waste that nobody fucking knows how to dispose of?! I thought this was some kind of comic book solar power factory or some design of Lex Luthor's to turn envy into steam! I hate everything!

The creature in the casket is a guy who's gotten a little bit too much exposure in The New 52: Parasite! He sucks off Hal Jordan until Hal Jordan loses consciousness and then realizes he has to battle Batman. And Batman has nothing The Parasite wants.

Oh Batman. Please do less research and spend more time practicing your one-liners. Also, nice to see you aren't dead on Earth-Hitch!

I'm just having a good time with the Earth-Hitch stuff. I actually like when comics can tell their own stories without being wrapped up in every minor detail of every other current story, like everybody knowing Superman's identity and Atlantis hating Aquaman and Batman being dead and Green Lantern not being a Green Lantern! Such minor quibbles! What I like about it is that it's only bothersome to readers during the months the stories are new. It seems weird to continuity hounds reading this with all that other shit going down. But by next year, people will just remember this story and remember the other story and they'll fit within the timeline in their minds however they need to fit. Obviously this takes place before all that of those other stunts DC is pulling to try to lure in new readers!

Flash and Batman get knocked out because The Flash is dumb and arrogant and doesn't listen to Batman. That leaves Wonder Woman to almost get eaten by The Parasite who has grown to immense proportions. All that's left to save them is Superman but is it worth risking the end of all time and space?! Well, duh! Of course it is! That's his girlfriend!

After Superman leaves, Vincent and his assistant talk about how they didn't tell Superman everything and they can't yet trust him and it's all too risky and nothing we've never heard before in scenes exactly like this one across all the comics always.

Aquaman meets up with a missionary visiting Atlantis bringing the word of the One True God. He was trying to find Olympus so he could tell the Olympians that they weren't real but he missed the left turn at Albuquerque and wound up under the Atlantic Ocean.

The fight at the Energy Plant isn't going so well. Also, in case the invitations weren't a clue, it's revealed that The Infinity Corporation set it up. I guess it's an important part of the plan to save the future (which doesn't matter because it's fluid and not now which is the important thing. No wait! Now is the important thing! I mean the "now" of you reading this not the "now" of me typing this because that's long in the past which doesn't matter or hasn't happened or something).

Jesus Christ. Is the Justice League Book of One-liners literally just one line long?!

The Flash, in order to escape from Parasite, runs around the Earth really fast twelve times but then can't stop because fuck you. So he needs Superman to catch him so he speaks while running faster than the speed of sound which means Superman has no possibility of hearing him before he runs through the power plant again. Of course, being a comic book (and also fuck you), Superman does hear him. But he's unable to stop him because fuck you and comic books. Instead, Barry Allen runs into Hal whose ring is opening a wormhole to Oa (which doesn't exist anymore because fuck you and comic books) and they're both knocked into the wormhole where they disappear in a comic book fuck you. Wonder Woman has disappeared because she was hearing voices so it's up to Superman, Batman, and Cyborg to stop Parasite.

The plan is to hook Parasite up to the power plant and light the entire country drawing power from the Parasite. Now all they have to do is feed him puppies and kittens and America will have free power! If you don't mind the murder of thousands of puppies and kittens. Which I think most people don't mind because hardly anybody donates to developing only no-kill shelters. Vile miscreants! At least now the puppies and kittens will be giving their lives for the greater good. Like Spock!

After Parasite is drained of his power, Batman kicks his teeth out for good measure. Then Superman, being The World's Greatest Detective's Best Friend, realizes that everything is connected because of the invitations. Not worrying about where Diana, Barry, or Hal wound up, Clark asks Victor to BOOOM Tube them to New York so they can confront the Infinity Corporation. The only problem is the Corporation is gone. But an alien ship arrives to greet them! What a coincidence! And the alien ship looks like a crucifix so that must be Double Plus Good, right?!

Christ. Another god with a savior complex.

Justice League of America #1 Rating: It isn't as great as it wants you to think it is. It's a little bit V by way of The New Testament with a detour through a Rube Goldberg device. Why did they have to fight the Parasite? Probably because the plan was to get Hal and Barry and Diana and Arthur out of the picture when Superman first meets Rao. Or the Infinity Corporation are trying to defeat Rao and they needed the Parasite Plot for yet explained reasons. I don't know. What I do know is that I probably would have liked it better without the Infinity Corporation telling Superman that they've seen the end of everything and it all needs to be saved. I would rather have had some mystery people not yet explained setting up the Parasite battle which eventually would be overshadowed by the appearance of Rao. That probably leaves the readers with more questions but at least it drops the fucking plot crutch where some person who knows the future tells the characters about how the future must be stopped which sets them in motion. At least stopping the Parasite is an end unto itself. And then Rao appearing as a savior is just another thing that the heroes need to deal with. Now they can be approached by a mysterious group who would be all, "Dudebro! Rao is bad for everything!" And Superman would be all, "Nuh uh!" And the Infinity Corporation would be, "Yeah hunh!" And Batman would be all, "--tt--." I just think the series is trying to be way bigger than it needs to be. It's like Jazz Hands set to five million RPMs when it really just needed a few good shakes ending with a knee slide.