Earth 2 #21

An insane Dr. Fate? An agoraphobic Kryptonian? A super powered Jimmy Olsen? Replacement Batman has some serious problems to work through before his new Justice Society is up and running!

Five years ago, Earth 2 was kidney punched into submission by Darkseid. But Earth 2 got lucky with a wild, flailing swing as it went down pissing blood, knocking Darkseid out and driving his armies from Earth 2. Now, five years later (go ahead. Do the math between "five years ago" and "now" and you'll see I'm correct that it's five years later), Flip the Fuck Out Superman is curb stomping the shit out of Earth 2. It's lost most of its teeth and is babbling incoherently as it slips toward unconsciousness and eventual oblivion. All that's standing in his way is a Justice Society that nobody recognizes because now they're gay when they weren't or women when they were men or men when they were women or fathers when they were their sons. It's complete and utter chaos!

It's also pretty fucking terrific! Why would anybody want old characters told in the same way when they can have new characters and new stories while still having access to the old characters and old stories?! More is always better! Especially if you're talking about cupcakes! But probably not when you're talking about violent attacks on random citizens or fatty deposits in your arteries.

The Atom bitchslaps himself.

I know, I know. The term "bitchslap" is problematic. But it's only problematic if you're a sexist jerk that hears the word "bitch" and automatically thinks that it means "woman." Now that's problematic! Stop being sexist in your interpretations of the words I'm using! By "bitch," I obviously meant a non-gender specific somebody that sucks at Call of Duty.

I know, I know. Redefining words that have never been used to demean or oppress the person redefining the word is problematic! You know what else is problematic? A world where everybody rushes to be offended and upset just to prove that they're smarter and better than the person they've just been offended by!

I know, I know. Policing other people's reactions to words and expecting them to feel the same way I do is problematic! But it's only problematic if you know what the meaning of the word "problematic" is which I don't think I do because I keep saying things I'm writing are problematic but I don't seem to care! Ignorance is its own reward!

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman hands out assignments in his war against Flip the Fuck Out Superman.

Replacement Batman is the best!

After this auspicious bit of verbal beatdown, I have a feeling Red Arrow is going to be the guy to stop Flip the Fuck Out Superman with a well placed Kryptonite Arrow right in the missing scale.

The World Army has mostly been defeated. Those that survived the battles only did so by retreating to Amazonia. It's possible this is Earth 2's version of Themyscira. It's also possible that it's a large warehouse in Seattle. Khan has escaped with 1% of his World Army soldiers. He can't get in touch with the World Government because they're escaping on a Space Ark in a few minutes with all the rich assholes of the world. Good riddance! Now if Replacement Batman and the Just Barely Society can save the world, it will be a far better place without the jerks that had the power and wealth to get a seat on the Space Ark.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman feels the same way I do but he goes the extra mile to make sure these douches don't wind up fucking up another world somewhere else in the universe.

Ha ha! Good one, Taylor! You really stuck it to all the power hungry, wealthy assholes that read comic books!

I bet if the above page had been sent to Fox News, they would have devoted a number of outraged hours to speculating on how the liberals had turned Superman into a hater of tradition and success and the American Way! Oh man, I would love to see Flip the Fuck Out Sean Hannity shit his britches over this.

Replacement Batman, Aquawoman, and Commander Khan Skype together and agree to work together to come up with a plan to save the world. I'm sure it will mostly be Replacement Batman's plan while the others are forced to spout puns and wear bright outfits.

Finally, Bedlam is overseeing a project to Boom Tube Earth into Apokolips' current location so Darkseid can sit in all of Earth's chairs without leaving the comfort of his orbit. Bedlam's helpers are Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Mister Terry Sloan (the original Mister Terrific and the one Fox News prefers because he's white. I mean, he was the first and thus the traditional one). In the process of controlling Sloan's mind, Bedlam discovers that the good guys have their own Kryptonian. Well, that's troubling. They haven't even cured him of his agoraphobia yet! It looks like Val-el is going to be entering an Immersion Therapy Program whether he's ready for it or not.

Earth 2 #21 Rating: +4 Ranking. I'm really enjoying this title so much more since it's become an Elseworlds Book instead of a "Let's Re-imagine the Justice Society" book. I suppose that's also an Elseworlds Book! But this one is better! Sorry, Mr. Robinson, but it is.

Earth 2 #18

This is what my house in Oblivion looked like.

In Oblivion, I gathered up every skull I could find from the beginning of the game and dropped it inside my house. So anytime I walked around my house, skulls would fly up in all directions as I waded through them. In Morrowind (which I played on the PC and thus had a much easier time placing items on surfaces in the direction I wanted them to face), I squatted in the house where the guy was afraid to go back into his home because the basement was haunted. In that house, every surface was covered by those black statues with the red eyes. I probably spent more time decorating than solving quests.

But this isn't a blog about Computer Games even though I'd probably rather have a blog about computer games because I really like playing computer games. This is a blog about comic books! And it's time to talk about Earth 2 and New Batman!

The World Army has been dismantled by Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!) and all of Earth 2's Wonders are wondering how the hell they're going to stop Superman.

That's probably not it. That was, of course, Jay Garrick's plan. I said "of course" because Jay Garrick is an idiot in a horrible fucking costume.

Meanwhile Batman is in the basement looking to free three specific villains from stasis. He's interrupted by Lois Tornado who calls him Bruce because she's just recently back from the dead, so she doesn't know this Batman is a mystery man. Also trying to stop Batman is Major Sato of the World Army. But Batman being Batman (even if he's not Batman), he deflects all attempts to stop him and releases his first super villain.

Aquaman?

It's probably not actually Aquaman since Aquaman has nothing to do with Superman. But Lori Lemaris does! She has the Double "L" name that's so important to Superman! Plus she has a history with him. Maybe. This is The New 52 and Earth 2 so I really don't know what the fuck is actually going on. But if it is Lori, Lois Tornado is probably going to get super jealous. How dare Batman's plan be to seduce Superman when that was General Lane's plan!

Superman decides to merely cripple The Flash because Darkseid might be able to transform him into a horrible monster. Superman also wants to take Michael Holt (Mister Terrific!) and Terry Sloan (The original Mister Terrific! Now Mister 8 or something) back to Apokolips. It probably seems like a good idea, taking the smartest people on Earth 2 prisoner. But in reality, Superman should probably kill these guys because they're going to be the ones to figure out how to defeat Darkseid and his minions once and for all. Unless Batman thinks up a scheme first.

Speaking of Batman, he's just now releasing the second super villain on his list.

Oh! Aquawoman! I should have realized that the breasts were a clue.

So Superman's pal breathes information. He's taken the name "Accountable" and has become a whistleblower against the World Army. I suppose with this great cast of blasts from Superman's past, the next villain to be released will be Lex Luthor. Unless New Batman is Lex Luthor! No, no. Even on Earth 2, I can't see Lex Luthor engaging in the same kind of badassery that The Goddamned Batman engages in. He might be smart, but he's not going to take a kick to the face without completely losing his cool.

Jimmy Olsen sniffs Major Sato's phone and catches up on all the world events, even the one that is just now happening: Parademons are pouring out of the fire pits all across the globe. Looks like Darkseid's back-up plan to gain Earth is in full swing. If only Batman and Superman hadn't destroyed that mega-weapon all those years ago during their big adventure with Alternate Earth Superman and Alternate Earth Goddamned Batman. After everybody realizes how extremely fucked they all are, Batman points out the last criminal he came for: The Joker.

Well then. Who the fuck is this new Batman anyway?!

Earth 2 #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. The more Earth 2 feels like an Elseworlds Title and the less like the Golden Age Justice Society, the happier I'm going to be! I imagine New Batman must be fed-the-fuck-up Dick Grayson. It's got to be somebody that would hate the fucking Joker this much. Also, what the hell is happening with Hawkgirl and Mister Miracle and Big Barda?!

Earth 2 #5

Holy fuck. Grundy is a God? Why wasn't he leading The Legion of Doom? I guess his trouble with the English language always held him back.

Last issue, The Atom had just squashed Solomon Grundy beneath his feet. From the looks of the cover, I'm guessing that squashing didn't quite take. The Atom was also in the middle of arresting Hawkgirl by manhandling her with his giant potato paws. And then the Zero Issue interrupted all of that with that stupid Mr. 8 jerk. What a dumb name, Mr. 8! I wonder if he confronts people and goes, "I oned it! You twoed it! I threed it! You foured it! I fived it! You sixed it! I sevened it! You ate it! MISTER EIGHT IT, THAT IS!"

This issue begins with the rescue of the president, a woman named Lightfoot. It's possible she's a hobbit. Or a halfling. Or a kender. She's rescued by a couple of guys in scuba suits with an emblem on their chests that looks a bit like the Canadian flag on a caffeine high. Although that's just a guess as it's only seen in one panel and it's mostly obscured in that one. Anyway, they manage to grab her and dematerialize before Grundy's rotting roots desiccate them.

The American flags in the Oval Office have a red stripe touching the bottom of the blue field of stars. So that's either one of the differences between Earth One and Earth Two or it's just a mistake. Or maybe it's not one of the differences at all since the last comic which took place on Earth One and had an American flag in it, it also had a red stripe touching the star field. But I forget which comic that was. Stupid artists better get on the Goddamned research wagon! I was also just rereading Chis Ware's Jimmy Corrigan and when he takes part in the human flag at the Chicago World's Fair, the kids have the colors wrong there as well. But that can be explained away in the story as an idiot organizer that didn't know any better and gave out the wrong costumes to the wrong lines of children.
Also, fuck that Jimmy Corrigan is a good book. But fuck is it depressing. Depressing as playing Call of Duty by yourself while getting fucking wasted depressing. Although that actually isn't very depressing! Especially if you talk in a high pitched voice and call yourself Madison. But don't do that since Madison is MY high-pitch voiced boy's name!

Oh yeah! I forgot about The Sandman. Oh! And Hourman too! I wonder if he'll be all cracked out on his pills?

The World Army stiffs consider nuking DC to end the threat since all vegetation on Earth is dying due to Grundy (they may be dropping the Solomon on his name which would be too bad. Don't worry, Grundy! I'll keep calling you Solomon!). But the guy in charge, KAHN!, wants to wait and see what the new wonders will do. "Wonder" is the fancy term on Earth 2 for "super hero." And by fancy I mean retarded. Unless that's offensive and then I mean gay.

While they're watching, they witness the ending of Earth 2 Issue Four. Time to celebrate now that The Atom has saved the day!

That's a hate crime, right? He called him "gentleman" and then punched him.

The Flash knocks The Atom down with some super fast face kicking footwork, freeing Kendra the Hawkgirl. The Atom's "Plan B" is to begin whining at them because he was just doing his job and how dare they not go peacefully now that the gray man is dead. And then the grey man decides he isn't dead at all and gigantic roots begin grabbing at The Atom looking for sexy orifices.

Grundy takes down The Atom and covers him in vines. By draining The Atom's nuclear energy, Grundy has now accelerated the decay of the Earth and the World Council begins to panic. They send in the Smartest Man on Earth Two to save the day! Um, that would be Mr. 8. Whenever I type Mr. 8, it just looks like I'm forgetting to finish an emoticon. Here's my Alice Cooper Emoticon:

=8=[

Green Lantern comes back to smash Grundy into powder. But he knows Grundy will just reform again. So he suddenly pulls a plan out of his ass. Maybe his ring told him what to do. Or maybe Earth itself explained it to him. I mean, Earth 2. What he decides to do is meditate and then travel along his silver cord deep into the Green. So deep that he'll end up in the Grey. Or the Gray. Whatever. But to do this, he'll have to leave his body at Grundy's mercy. That's where the rest of the Justice Society comes in! They need to protect Alan Scott while he gets his New Age on.

Once inside the Grey, Alan Scott finds he can communicate with it. He asks it how to stop its avatar. What a chump! "Hey, Grey? You know how you're destroying the world? How do I stop that?" Luckily the Gray isn't completely stupid like you might expect after hearing its Avatar try to hold an intelligible conversation. It tells Alan Scott, "You're going to fail and there's no hope and, you know, how about joining us since you're going to lose anyway? Maybe this will convince you:"

It would be more convincing if he were naked. And not covered in cobwebs and fungus.

While The Last Temptation of Alan Scott goes on in The Grey, Terry Sloan has launched a nuclear strike on DC. And Hawkgirl, Flash, and The Atom continue to fight Grundy to a stalemate. Everybody is waiting on Green Lantern to return and save the day. But he's kind of busy right now.

Hee hee. I bet "Endgame" is a euphemism for gay sex. I think this comic is a fundamentalist morality play: The Earth will die if Green Lantern (as Jesus) has gay sex!

Earth 2 #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Look at how generous I'm being with the rankings in October! My brain chemicals must be all fucked up from all of the potential Halloween Candy I'm thinking about eating. Is that how that works? I think so! I'm so excited to eat bags and bags and bags of chocolate and sour things!

Earth 2 #4

I'm digging Hawkgirl's new look. Yeah, I fucking said digging!

Earth 2 Issue Four begins like this:

Starman?

My knowledge of the Justice Society is mediocre at best. I can't think of any member that this could possibly represent (except my feeble Starman guess). So far we've seen The Flash, Green Lantern, and Hawkgirl as heroes. Wildcat was shown on a billboard for a boxing event. Mister Terrific has been captured by the smartest man on Earth Two. So who's left? Hawkman. Hourman. The Atom. Doctor Midnite. Starman? Green Arrow? Was there a Justice Society Green Arrow? I must be forgetting a female or two, right? Hawkgirl and Wonder Woman could not have been the only women. Was Fury a member or am I thinking Infinity, Inc. at this point? I suppose I could look up a roster but why spoil the surprises at this point, right?

Of course with the tanks (and winged creatures?! Hawkpeople? Maybe the Hawkpeople are the security forces of Earth Two!) exploding around this mushroom cloud face, I suppose it could be a super villain! But the only villain I can think of is Ultra-humanite. And that, again, might be Infinity, Inc. I guess I'll read on then since I'm out of speculation.

The corpses being walked upon by the armored men after the giant face explosion makes it look like the winged people were possibly Parademons. Perhaps there are still pockets of Apokolips resistance here on Earth. Or maybe this is a flashback although I sincerely doubt that since the narration boxes usually make that clear. The armored crew happen to find a little bit more than the dead parademons.

This apparently did happen five years ago. And his name is Captain Pratt. Still no clue.

Well, duh me in the brainpan. It's The Atom. I don't exactly remember the Justice Society's Atom's powers. He can probably change size which is how the giant hand-print he was found in was caused. Perhaps he got his powers from the atomic blast to wipe out the parademons. And he grew big immediately, smashed the ground while thrashing around from the radioactive change, and then collapsed to his normal form and lost consciousness all in the space of a few seconds.

Meanwhile, Grundy can't help being an asshole. It's where The Atom is currently headed. So I'll probably get an example of his powers in a few pages.

Solomon Grundy! Falls apart on Monday! Heart attack on Tuesday! Stays in bed on Wednesday! Watch the walls on Thursday! In love on Friday! Waits on Saturday. Comes too late on Sunday! That was the end of Solomon Grundy!

The Rot caused by Solomon Grundy is worldwide. He's one powerful Rot Avatar. Speaking of Rot Avatars, I have Animal Man and Swamp Thing up next for the Prelude to Rot World! It sounds like the worst amusement park every invented. Anyway, the worldwide rot reaches The Flash and Hawkgirl and they decide to investigate.

I appreciate how careful Hawkgirl is about just hopping on the back and having him take off. I mean, she does do that! But she's cautious about it as he starts until she realizes his energy field (or whatever) protects her as well.

With The Atom ten minutes out (although I suspect arriving any minute) and Alan Scott flying across the Pacific toward DC, Hawkgirl and Jay arrive in DC first. I think they would have arrived in DC first even if the other guys were just around the block.

Thanks for the pep talk, Flash!

Hawkgirl manages to put up a pretty good fight even though every wound she makes on Grundy regenerates almost immediately. She stays out of his reach by flying about but he has control over the dead branches and ivy which eventually grab hold of her and pull her in. He's choking the life out of her when Green Lantern appears.

Conveniently in all of the wreckage, a nice big HDTV broadcasts some news turned up nice and loud for Jay to hear as he runs about saving people.

Where would comic book writers be without the ever present newscast blaring forth?

While Flash is rescuing civilians, Hawkgirl is weeding the area, and Green Lantern is going mano a mano (although I wish they were going mono a mono) with Grundy, The Atom arrives by plane.

Does this really seem like a good idea?

Oh! I guess it was a good idea!

The above panel is the way to do a splash page. I'm sick of seeing splash pages that aren't any more effective for being large (I'm looking at Tony Daniel!). But this works well to show the Atom's increase in size and to display his sudden landing in the midst of the fight.

It seems Hawkgirl has escaped from some government controlled program because she immediately recognizes The Atom as "Al" and claims she'll never go back alive. The Atom calls her Kendra and, hating to disappoint her, grabs her instead of killing her. While still standing on Grundy's exploded mess (which I'm guessing should reform rather quickly, right?), The Atom tells the others to stand down "by the authority of the World Army Council." My guess is they won't stand down at all!

Earth 2 #4 Rating: +3 Ranking. Okay, maybe this one issue was only good enough to get a +1, very possibly a +2. But I began this comic ranked much lower than it should have been simply because there was an empty spot in my charts from one of the cancelled books. So for the time being, I'll give it a slight boost to what I think it should actually have based on each month's comic. This is a fun comic book.