The Terrifics #4

The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."

What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"

That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.

If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.

I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!

Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"

The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).

Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!

The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!

Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"

The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!

Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.

Nightwing Rebirth #1

Why is Nightwing's ass so tiny?

The Review!
This comic book is about Dick Grayson finally coming out of the closet. It might look like a comic book about Dick Grayson returning to the mantle of Nightwing but the clues say otherwise! Clue #1: Dick Grayson doesn't have sex with any women in the whole book! Clue #2: Midnighter helps Dick get control of the giant pink beast with the dildo on its head living inside of him. It's a metaphor! Clue #3: the final page is Dick walking out of the Bat-closet in his Nightwing uniform. Clue #4: Batman and Dick continuously call the Court of Owls the Parliament of Owls. No wait. That clue doesn't prove anybody is gay. It just proves Tim Seeley is smarter than Scott Snyder. Because a group of owls is a Parliament and not a Court! So it makes more sense. Which is why the elite Owls are in the Parliament of Owls! The Court of Owls are just low level losers in Gotham who suck because Scott Snyder really fucked up that opportunity. Or maybe Scott just didn't want to confuse everybody by having a Parliament of Owls and a Parliament of Trees, since he was writing Swamp Thing and Batman at the same time. None of that is proof that this book is about Dick Grayson coming out of the closet but I figured the evidence was so obvious that I had some room for a digression.

The Commentary!
Nightwing could really us some blue fringe around his calves. I think it would really complete they look. And maybe he shouldn't try so hard with the tousled hair. And those sticks are mighty phallic. And the...oh! I get it. I see what demographic DC is going for.

Nightwing explains where he got his name so that any new readers picking up this comic book due to the obviously gay hero on the front will know where it came from. Dick doesn't want anybody thinking his post-Robin persona was also influenced by Batman! It was one of Superman's Kryptonian urban legends that inspired Dick's new name. He liked the name because it was also a dig at Batman. See, the Nightwing was a legendary creature that was a catalyst for change and a rebuilder. Obviously you only need somebody to rebuild that which has been broken down. In essence, Dick was telling Batman that he was breaking all of the shit with his sourpuss methods and Dick was not going to continue that pattern. Also Dick knew Batman's bat-panties would get into a huge twist when he learned Dick's new persona was inspired by Superman.

Nightwing finishes his introductory monologue by saying "Because I may have lost Nightwing, but I never lost D. I. C. K." Oh yeah. Totes homo rebirth!

Dick is hanging out with Damian at a Gotham arcade as the real story begins. It's full of important moments like learning that an arcade in Gotham has survived for twenty years and Damian's favorite arcade game is called Cheese Viking. The reader doesn't learn yet what Dick is back in Gotham to take care of. That's because he has to have a flashback to all the schoolgirl vagina that was constantly trying to wrap itself around his dick.

Jim and Juan are Dick's buttocks.

In the flashback, the reader learns that Helena is taking up the role of The Huntress to go star in a comic book with Batgirl where they'll probably moon over Dick Grayson every month.

Damian has something wrong with his head or eyes which he pretends is just eye strain from playing Cheese Viking. So obviously Damian has brain cancer and will be dead in a few months.

Dick also has a couple of flashbacks about other people who want to fuck him, like Tony the Tiger and Midnighter. He tells Damian all about how much everybody wants to fuck him. He's all, "Oh yeah. My dick hasn't seen the light of day in months! And not because it's been in my underwear! If you get my meaning. Do you get my meaning? Has Bruce had the sex talk with you yet?"

For his help catching a bunch of God Garden technology and monsters, Midnighter gives Dick a motorcycle handbrake with a balloon attached to it. He tells Dick that it will help the kid, so I guess it cures brain cancer. So Dick sticks the device up Damian's nose and claims he just vacuumed out a bomb stuck there by the Court of Owls. But he does this after Narration Boxing about how "lying, manipulation, and duplicity aren't really his thing...except when they are." So he's definitely lying to Damian about why he stuck a Yamaha handbrake up Damian's nose.

That's when Batman appears and jumps to the conclusion that Dick and Damian are getting fucked up on whip-its. But Dick explains that he's actually just sticking Midnighter's Gaydiation Device up Damian's nose to make him gay. Every gay person is issued one when they're turned gay by other gays. That's totally how that works.

Also the bomb thing might actually be true and Batman knew about it and it was so Dick could be controlled by the Court of Owls. But now it's out and the Court doesn't know any better, so they still think Dick has to be friendly to them. Now if only Dick could remove whatever Batman stuck in Dick's butt so that Dick will stop doing whatever Batman says.

Meanwhile, the Court of Owls has a meeting about their aesthetic. They decide the white masks are too showy and switch them out for black masks. Also they kill Lincoln March because his ego was getting in the way and the Court of Owls is supposed to be cool as neutral cucumbers. It's all about balance and you don't spell balance L-I-N-C-O-L-N! I don't think.

Dick takes up the mantle of Nightwing once again. His main objective is to destroy the Court of Owls from the inside. I hope he completes that task in one issue because I don't know if I'm ready for more Court of Owls stories. Even if they have new masks!

Batman #50

These fucking variant covers have ruined my entire New 52 collection of comic books!

Rating: Remaining steady at 5 of 51 DC Comics. I certainly have problems with some of the crap happening in the current Batman story, "Superheavy" (which is ending now so I'm going to start forgetting the problems immediately), but at least this comic book is telling atypical stories. Not that a Riddler story followed by a Joker story followed by an amnesiac Bruce Wayne are atypical! But Snyder is coming at them in imaginative ways. New 52 Batman has been all about telling big stories about Batman and his most iconic villains (as well as some new ones that became even iconicker than some of his most well-known enemies!). The only problem with this comic book is that it's been too consistently good. By comparison, DC has been serving up a lot of fucking crap every month. It would be nice if the people running DC would look at the Batman title and think, "Hey look! Well-written, thoughtful stories sell! Maybe we should hire more writers who actually have something to say!" Instead they just kept on the same old thought train and said," Hey look! Batman sells well! Let's put Batman in every other fucking book we publish!" Lazy bastards.

• Bruce Wayne has regained his memory via a method that we're just not going to talk about anymore. I've boxed it up and put it in the attic behind the spooky full length mirror with the musty sheet over it. Now we can simply move on and when anybody asks, "What did you think of that story where Batman and the Joker died and then Bruce forgot he was Batman while Alfred gathered the children of Gotham so he could put them all in danger?", we can stab them in the throat and stuff them in a box and put it behind the mirror too.

• People really like to read things that let them say, "Ooh! Meta-textual commentary! Smartsies!" And Scott Snyder likes to fill his Batman comic book with that kind of thing. But you know what is also smart? Writing a story about Batman that's just a fucking story about Batman that says something about Batman and doesn't have to also be a story about how the fans have been desperate for Batman to return. Subtext doesn't have to be meta-textual. John Steinbeck's books are chock full of subtext and not once will you catch him winking slyly at the reader. Well, maybe Chapter Thirteen in East of Eden. But that's it!

• The narration in the previous scan is Jim Gordon speaking to himself and not Bruce. So that's clever, right? Except, you know, he's still talking about the reader! It's just the reader gets to be fucking disappointed all over again! "What?! Jim Gordon still! Fuck this shit! Hurry up and get dressed, Bruce!"

• Bloom vented Gordon's spleen so Gordon needs to calm down or he'll die. In the meantime, The Batman Brigade has entered the fight to stop Bloom.

• Bloom gains control of the Robot Batman's and everything is going to shit and Jim Gordon is going to die and Superman is going to say, "Ha ha! I told somebody so! About something. Or whatever. Metropolis is still standing! I win!"

• And then Batman returns! Sorry! I didn't mean to remind anybody of the movie Batman Returns! Although I'm sure some of you still think of it fondly because you haven't seen it in twenty five years.

• Bruce's Deus Ex Machina was obviously defective because Batman came back with a sense of humor.

• That last caption was a joke. I actually think Batman has a great sense of humor. And not just DC Animated Universe Batman who is one droll motherfucker. Batman is like me! His jokes are mostly just things that make him laugh while everybody else looks around confused or offended.

• Batman allows Alfred Pennyworth to resume his job as Penny One even though Alfred was a total dick and tried to keep Bruce from being truly fulfilled. He may have been happy at the community center and fucking Julie Madison but that's not what Bruce would have chosen if he'd been given the choice. So even though he was happy, Bruce was still in prison. Hopefully Bruce will make Alfred feel bad about it later. Or maybe he'll just hug him for the first time since Martha and Thomas died and Alfred will collapse into a lanky ball of tears.

• Jim Gordon kind of sort of quotes "The Second Coming" before Batman cuffs him to the inside of a helicopter where he'll probably bleed out while Batman saves the day. I suppose Batman expects Jim to fly the helicopter to the hospital to get his spleen stitched up. Or Batman is pissed that Gordon stole his job for so long and he's hoping Jim will pass out and crash the helicopter and die.

• Gordon decides he doesn't mind if he dies because he's embarrassed of his role in Fox's Gotham. At first I thought that show was going to be about one incorruptible man standing up against a city of corruption and making a difference. But apparently it's a story about a totally corruptible man without the will to stick to his beliefs who paves the way for a desperately needed and actually incorruptible hero to save the city.

• Duke's cousin Daryl explains how this whole mess came about because he's actually the genius behind the seeds. He just fucked up and created a monster named Bloom.

• Batman embarrasses himself with a line way, way beneath his level of intelligence.

• Batman's plan is to suddenly have access to a fifty foot tall Batman Robot so that he can kick Bloom's fifty foot tall ass.

• Bloom's philosophy about how gardeners are not necessary and yards should be allowed to grow wild and free mirrors my own. Except I think his is metaphorical while I mean it literally. Fuck gardens and proper lawn care. Give me overgrown bushes, ivy, ankle-high grass! That's the yard I like to lounge in.

• With the help of Bruce and Jim and all the citizens of Gotham who were part of the problem but then decided to remove their seeds, Duke defeats Bloom. I'm not sure if he kills him or not but would that matter? Bloom's body was originally on the way to Potter's Field to be buried anyway! And Duke hasn't been told by Batman not to kill yet! Loophole!

• Jim Gordon gives a speech that's pretty much the same speech Bruce Wayne gave back in the Red Hood story and the same article that Karen Page wrote at the end of Daredevil Season 2. It's the same speech about how the people without powers living day to day are the real heroes that comic books keep trying to pretend they're about when they really couldn't care any less than they do about real people. But I suppose I'm supposed to feel uplifted now so I'll pretend I am.

• Gordon gets his job back just like Batman got his job back! And Duke gets a job offer from Bruce Wayne! I hope it's not as a personal assistant.

• Julie Madison realizes she has to die because she's now one of Bruce's lovers who knows his secret. It never ends well for someone in that category.

The Multiversity: New Thunderworld Adventures #1

I hope he's called Captain Marvel in this so that he can say his own name without accidentally transforming.

This year, I'm going to steep myself in one of the most intellectually challenging television programs to ever air on network television: Friends! One episode per day for however many episodes there are! Probably like ten thousand. That's using exaggeration for comedic effect! Probably about as much comedic effect as the first episode of Friends contains! I think the first episode was mostly spent calibrating the levels on the laugh track. The rest of the episode was spent setting up the premise of the series which is that these characters are friends. Oh, it also introduced the characters! Monica is the one with a flat ass that wears potato sacks as clothing. Ross is literally a sack of potatoes. Chandler is the one that isn't as attractive as the others so he has to talk about his dreams a lot. Phoebe is the one that doesn't get as many lines as the others because she believes in wacky doodle things. Joey is the one that loves to fuck women and needs a haircut. And Rachel is the rich one that doesn't know how to live life. But she's going to learn with some help from her new friends!

From now on, my Friends Updates will appear after the comic book commentary so I don't bore everybody with intellectual criticism that's even more abstruse than my usual comic book critiques. I hope if you're interested in learning more about one of the greatest works of art ever to have been created and shown on prime time network television to millions of people who couldn't process what they were seeing because they simply didn't have the deep theological, ontological, historical, and entomological background needed to truly appreciate Friends, you won't be too intimidated by my grandiose language and join me on a journey of true discovery! Plus I think later there is a monkey in it!

Until my next Friends update, we'll immerse ourselves in less highbrow waters by reading the next tale in Grant Morrison's "The Multiversity" series. This one takes place on Thunderworld, an aptly named Earth because people that yell "Shazam!" cause thunder and lightning. Or maybe just certain people who found themselves in front of an old wizard who gave them the power of the Rock of Eternity. And then a whole slew of other people (and a tiger!) that Billy Batson decided to share his power with. What a good kid, that Billy!

Our story begins, as every true Captain Marvel story does, at The Rock of Eternity where the old wizard Shazam is suddenly faced with a rival Rock!

It's a tale of science versus magic! Although probably not as satisfying as the tale on the same topic being woven by Ann Nocenti over in Klarion.

By speaking Dr. Sivana's name aloud, his children now become Scientific Marvels! Obviously superior than the crappy old Magic Marvels that rely on superstition and make-believe to power them.

Holy heck! What's going on in my pants area?! SHAAAAAAAAZAM!

Down in Fawcett City, Billy Batson encounters Billy Batson from one day in the future! Unless it's two days in the future since the calendar suddenly contains a new day called Sivanaday. That's the day Captain Marvel is killed by Black Sivana, his brother, and their sister with the huge swooners and the long gams and the tight little mini-skirt!

Holy heck! What's that funny feeling I'm feeling inside my lower belly?!

Captain Marvel lets out his mighty Marvel Whistle to summon the rest of the Marvel Family to help battle the Sivana Family. Oh man. I hope Mary Marvel isn't as hot as Georgia, Sivana's daughter, because I might just go crazy with lust! I'd better pull out my mattress full of cornflakes so I don't get any funny ideas tonight!

Doctor Sivana has learned about the Multiverse and its parallel Earths by reading Grant Morrison's comic books. Now the Doctor Sivana's across all the universes have teamed up to create Sivanaday, the Day In Which Captain Marvel Dies! One of Doctor Sivana's counterparts is a snake. Is he Doctor Hissivana? Ha ha! That's just the kind of witty joke that the residents of Fawcett City would appreciate, seeing as how it wasn't blue at all!

Now Doctor Sivana is turning the Rock of Eternity into a cube farm. He's putting down awfully cheap carpet, installing florescent lights, and sprucing the place up with potted cacti. I'm sure the motivational posters and the Human Resources department aren't far behind. Doctor Sivana has realized the one true way to suck the magic out of the heart of the world: turn it into an office!

Arg! Whack! Oof! I think...I think...NO! The wizard is getting a case of the Mondays!

As Captain Marvel battles the Sivana Family, The Marvel Family shows up to, um, battle the Sivana Family too! Maybe I should have thought a little harder on that sentence construction. But I was kind of distracted by the strangest feelings in my lower body. It's as if I really need to pee but in a super good way!

Look at where her arm...and the way her leg...oh...oh my...*shudder*.

Junior knocks Black Junior to the moon while Georgia compares her body with Mary Marvel's. If "compare" is the right word! Why am I suddenly picturing apples and oranges?! Big, ripe, luscious oranges and little, tiny perky apples?

Somebody's about to wish they were wearing something other than spandex!

Junior tricks Georgia into saying "Sivana" and she turns back into her regular old self. Well, that was a stupid plan, Junior. Although if I were confronted with her, um, her, well, her everything and I was wearing spandex, I'd probably want her to not look like she's been looking because total embarrassment, right?! I mean, not for me though! Everybody would look at my pants area and say, "Whoa. Why do they call you Junior?!"

I hope guys with big dongs brag about their big dongs so it doesn't look like I'm bragging about having a big dong because I might have a little dong! I mean, they do because my dong is so big, you wouldn't believe! But not too big if too big is undesirable to the ladies! Then it's the perfect size, probably! No wait! It's a little bigger than the perfect size! Which is actually the perfect size!

While the Mavels battled the Sivanas, Doctor Sivana let loose The Monster Society!

It's Tawny the Tiger! Silly tiger! Monster-hunting weapons are for kids!

Captain Marvel heads to the Rock of Eternity to punch Doctor Sivana's teeth straight! All of the other Doctor Sivanas are giddy with blood lust!

Well, most of them, anyway.

On board the scientific Rock of Eternity, Captain Marvel confronts the true Black Sivana, a monster created from pure science which seems a lot like magic. Captain Marvel kind of points out the same thing. But first he needs to travel to yesterday to warn himself to not ignore the warning which he warned himself of yesterday. The warning makes Captain Marvel aware that Sivanaday is the shortest day of the year because the Alternate Earth Sivanas cheated Earth-5 Sivana by giving him shitty Suspemdium! And once Sivanaday ends, Black Sivana is no more! Captain Marvel wins again!

Oh man how I would wreck that smile. Um, I mean, three cheers for the Marvel Family! Hip hip hooray! And two more!

The Multiversity: Pax Americana #1

Earth-4! Earth-4! Earth-4 is on fire! We don't need no heroes! Let that motherfucker burn!

Maybe this issue will be the one where everything is finally explained as opposed to being an entirely separate story about a different Earth where the Gentry are busy gentrifying it and putting in Artsy Toy Stores, and Artisan Pizza Places with forty-five minute waits, and movie theaters with couches that serve wine and apéritifs, and ice cream parlours with flavors like Strawberries And Bone Meal or Cookies and Cow Tongue. I'm really starting to get angry at The Gentry! I don't care if they drive out the previous residents due to increases in rent and property values! I just wish they didn't think a neighborhood needs one record store per block!

The original Earth-4 housed the Watchmen! Well, it housed the guys the Watchmen were based on. You know, the Charlton comic book characters like Blue Beetle and Captain Atom and Nightshade and The Question and probably a bunch of other ones that I never heard about. That probably means this story will be a reprint of Watchmen.

See? This is practically an exact reprinting of the blood spattered happy face button!

Hey? Remember when Chris Rock did that bit about how there would be a black president before a black vice-president? He was totally right!

It looks like the President of Pax America was Mister Eight! That symbol on that ring couldn't possibly mean anything else! Unless it's representative of a Domino Mask! That's a possibility. But there aren't any other possibilities! Also, Mister Eight is Terry Sloan who is also the original, and much whiter, Mister Terrific. Also, I really don't think that Terry Sloan will have anything to do with this comic book so I'm sorry for completely wasting your time with this paragraph which was all complete bullshit. Except for the Domino Mask part.

The president was shot in the head by (and I'm really stretching my comic book knowledge here so don't burn effigies of me if I'm wrong!) Peacemaker as he falls out of the sky. That's why the president falls over and bleeds all over the car and then the flag catches on fire which is what the image on the cover is! I guess I'm reading this comic book backwards! So now the question is, do I keep reading it backwards as I imagine it was intended to be read? Or do I say "Fuck you, Grant Morrison!" and begin reading from back to front? Knowing Grant Morrison, he's probably expecting that! Which means I'm going to keep reading it non-Manga style!

Whew! Good thing I kept reading it forwards like a good citizen in lockstep with regularity and tradition!

The new president's daughter is Nightshade, a superhero. But now, he says, it's time to end all superheroes! That's Watchmen talk!

The president and Nightshade's journey to the "exit strategy" is a cute little mini-scene where their words describe their passage across the page. It's too clever for its own good! I'm excising it from my comic book right now!

Meanwhile, Blue Beetle is chasing after The Question. Blue Beetle is all, "You're crazy like that guy from that Alan Moore book!" And The Question is all, "What? Where? Why? How? When?!" Then The Question is all, "Whoop whoop whoop whoop!" and Blue Beetle is all, "QUEEEEEEEEESTIIOOOOOON!" And then The Question runs into Nightshade.

I control the board! Me!

Just because I haven't mentioned all the similarities between the background images, the art, and the panel layouts between this and the Watchmen, don't think that I'm missing them. It's just that I covered them earlier when I said "That probably means this story will be a reprint of Watchmen." You know, before I even opened the comic book!

The Question escapes to search for clues at the crime scene of Nora O'Rourke who had cracked the code of Algorithm 8. See?! An 8! Just like on the ring! Unless the ring was representative of googly eyes. Maybe it's Algorithm Googly Eyes?

And then Captain Atom.

Aha! So I could have read the comic book backwards and it wouldn't have changed anything! Or, um, would it have? Um, what's going on here?! Why is this comic book acknowledging me?!

Whoever the Charlton version of The Comedian is (Sergeant Lane? Whoever that is?! (unless it's one of The Gentry since he mentions the scientists opening a hole to hell and he came crawling out) comes in, immediately after Captain Atom is sucked through a government sponsored black hole and out of the Earth-4 universe, to murder the scientists behind Cap's eviction.

So Nora was onto some conspiracy involving President Harley and his Algorithm 8. She thought the president was experimenting with Captain Atom for a new source of fuel but he was actually just trying to get rid of Captain Atom. Then The Comedian (or his Charlton equivalent which I still don't know. Judomaster?! Who else is there?) killed her to keep her quiet. But Peacemaker already knew too much so he took out the president. Now The Question is trying to piece it all together while The Comedian tries to beat some information out of Peacemaker to find out why he killed the president. I have a feeling Nightshade's dad, the new president, is in on the plot.

And since this is a Multiversity comic book, the plot must revolve around The Gentry taking over Earth-4. And it all has to do with that number 8! Unless it's representative of a pair of boobies! But nothing else. I can't think of anything else it could be a symbol for!

Earlier (when the president was still alive), Soon-to-be-president Harley made a deal with Captain Atom. It was a deal straight out of comic books which would change the world.

So when Peacemaker and Nora were talking about the president's plan on the night she was killed, they were talking about a plan by the president to have Peacemaker kill the president! And since Peacemaker has faith in the President's Algorithm 8 (because Harley has "been right so far" while using it), he agrees.

So now everybody is just waiting for Doctor Atom to return and resurrect the president so that thousands of years of peace can begin! So, you know, a lot like Ozymandias's plan! Which means The Question is probably going to fuck it all up, isn't he?!

One other thing Question has been wondering about: a hero named Yellowjacket.

Remember that Before Watchmen project DC did? This single issue has been so much better than that entire series.

Turns out Yellowjacket was Harley's father whom he accidentally killed one night. As he went through his father's things, he found a gun. And then his father, dressed as Yellow Jacket, came in the window because he forgot his keys. And Harley shot him. So Harley's plan to sacrifice himself was his own way of punishing himself for killing his father while also trying to bring peace to the world. His Algorithm 8 seems to be a moment when he was visited by Captain Atom who showed him a glimpse of all time. And I guess he had a good memory?

And I guess now they wait for Captain Atom to return from helping save the Multiverse. According to Algorithm 8, he should come back and resurrect the president and redeem Peacemaker and inspire everybody to live peaceful lives of peace and inspiration! Theoretically, that's a much better plan than the Watchmen plan which decided to use fear of the other to bring everybody together! And it's better than the Vice President's plan which, I suppose, was a deal he made with The Gentry to turn his world into Pax Americana where there would be peace through intimidation and threats of force.

Now if I could just figure out what that symbol on the ring meant!

The Joker #1

I'd recognize that spit curl anywhere! I know who The Joker is!

Since this is Batman 23.1 and it's about The Joker, I'm hoping it's by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo. I actually kind of like that each of these issues' creative teams is a surprise to me. Well, kind of a surprise. I figured Nocenti was doing The Creeper but I didn't know who would be doing the art. And I was hoping Michael Alan Nelson would continue with Supergirl's Cyborg Daddy. But I really wasn't positive. The first thing I do after I buy my comic books on Wednesday is go to lunch with the Non-Certified Spouse. While we're eating lunch, I'll look over the covers and see if there are any changes to the creative teams. Mostly nothing much has changed but every now and then I get really excited about a change! Like when Scott Lobdell's name wasn't on Superman! I had to excuse myself from the table for a few minutes over that one. And apologize to the staff for desecrating their bathroom.

The cover is signed by Fabok so maybe it's the Detective Comics team of John Layman and Jason Fabok.

I'm not going to say DC would be fools not to release this image as a t-shirt but they might be able to use the $20 that I'd spend on it.

So the issue begins with a poor boy with chalky white skin and green eyes being screamed at by a woman with black fingernails and chalky white skin and blood red lips. I can't wait to find out who these people are!

The monkey's name is Gaggy so that mystery is quickly revealed! And the horrible woman is the aunt of the scared little child that probably grows up to be The Joker's first victim or something! Because this can't be The Joker! How dare DC Comics give me any reason to sympathize with that murderous devil! But they want me to believe I can sympathize with him for at least a little bit! It's a big joke to tug at my heartstrings and say, "See? You can't judge even the worst psychopath until you've spent nineteen pages in his shoes!" But then the twentieth page will be the punch line and it will say, "Surprise! That wasn't The Joker at all! It was his first horrible dick of a boss at the first lab the Joker worked in!"

Because I refuse to empathize with this clown! I refuse! But the way she yanks Gaggy out of his hands and throws him in the corner! It's so SAD!

Poor Gaggy!

The art is fantastic and I can't be certain who it is because the title page hasn't appeared yet. And I'm not going to flip through to find it and have the big joke ending spoiled for me! But then I think, "I bet since I'm writing about it, it'll appear on the next page since it looks like this little prologue thing is over!" So I turn the page and walla walla onion rings! There it is! Andy Kubert, Writer. Andy Clarke, Art. Well, Andy Clarke. Those were some spectacular first few pages. Bravo!

That may have indeed been a memory of The Joker which he was trying hard not to remember several years ago while he was hanging out at the Gotham City Zoo with some friends, feeding a man to a snake.

Or he was reveling in the memory. He is a fucking nutjob!

The Joker ignores his henchmen as he wanders off to look at the gorillas. A mother gorilla with her baby gorilla who is holding a gorilla doll that vaguely resembles his old puppet Gaggy. Run, baby gorilla! Run! The Joker is thinking about turning you into a puppet and forcing you to wear stupid clothes! Get out of there!

Oh poor baby new Gaggy!

The Joker names his new child Jackanapes instead of Gaggy because he's a stupid dickhole. I'm glad he didn't choose Gaggy because that might make bond a little bit with the Joker and then I'd have to reevaluate everything I've ever believed and maybe possible take up a life of random, psychotic crime.

For a few pages, The Joker raises Jackanapes to be just like him. The Joker's pride and joy! A better upbringing than The Joker ever had! Father and son, raining chaos down on Gotham like monkey shit raining down on tourists at the zoo. It was the best of times and sometimes even the betterest of times. The Joker actually teaches Jackanapes a lot of the qualities that Cyborg Superman is looking for in a perfect specimen! If only Cyborg Superman had come to Earth to find his roses!

Just you wait, The Joker! Kids always turn on their parents no matter how fantastic the parents think they're being! It's practically a universal law! Or at least a shitty law of Western Culture. And everybody knows that's practically universal law!

Who does The Joker's and Jackanape's tailoring?

The Joker and Jackanapes engage in one final mission to save the Gotham Zoo. On that mission, Jackanapes escapes The Joker's clutches by faking his own death. He just never could live up to his father's penchant for death and destruction. Deep down, it always caused him pain and misery. So he did what all the ungrateful snots wind up doing: he ran away. The Joker believes he drowned and just thinks it's a big joke because he's an asshole, even if he did have a horrible upbringing and his aunt treated Gaggy like crap.

The Joker #1 Rating: A decent story with some fantastic flashback art. I like the story of Jackanapes and the fact that the gorilla had more empathy and feelings than The Joker, so it escaped his lunacy. It helps to balance out The Joker's total shitballs childhood as a means of explaining why The Joker acts the way he does. Because Jackanapes the Gorilla was raised by a madman to be a monster and he breaks out of the cycle. So The Joker either had the possibility to break out and change his ways and chose not to, or The Joker was just born a psychopath and happened to be raised by another psychopath. So Jackanapes was more human than The Joker although I still feel bad when I think about The Joker being separated from Gaggy. I bet if Batman found Gaggy and returned him to The Joker while The Joker was incarcerated in Arkham, The Joker would never need to breakout again.

Batman Incorporated Special #1

Damian's dead and Batman is posing on the cover of a comic book with a leaping cow. Fucking disrespectful.

This issue had better end with Damian being resurrected or I'm going to go stand in Starbucks and shit my pants in front of everybody.

No wait! I'm not going to do that! Not again, anyway.

Oh, ha ha! The ease and majesty of "again" in the making of comedy! Thank you, Judd Winick of Real World: San Francisco for that comic advice. I wonder what ever became of you? Enh, I guess some things will always remain a mystery!

Batman begins the issue sitting down in the Batcave ignoring the smell of cow manure as he checks the Bat-computer's case files on members of Batman Incorporated. You know what they say! A control freak's work is never done. And it's certainly never done right if you leave it up to someone else! So it's time to check in on Jiru, the Batman of Japan! Jabatpanman!

Jiro is the best because his secret Batcave lies beneath his Hentai/Sex Toy shop in the Ginza.

What the kids are screaming about is a vending machine vended them a human hand instead of an ice cream cone. I don't know what they're complaining about. Human hands are worth way more than a stupid ice cream sandwich.

Wait. Are they going to investigate the organ harvester or have a ménage à trois?

Jiro and Canary's detectivating lead them to a Capsule Hotel where business men check in and check out weighing a few ounces lighter. For once, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbating! It was a euphemism for having an organ harvested!

Actually, the businessmen never check out at all. They're completely harvested and then the bodies are thrown in the bay. This place must have horrendous Yelp reviews.

I was actually hoping for a Batcow Monthly Series but I think Batman of Japan would kick some serious ass each month.

Seriously though. Batwing is boring the shit out of me and Batman of Japan is just languishing in some editor's desk drawer? At least change Batwing's title to Batman Incorporated and follow stories of the various Batmen around the world month to month. Or just start up a Batman of Japan comic book! The New 52 is currently something like five comics short!

The story ends with the capture of Doctor Inside-Out and about eighteen thousand puns. And poor Jiro still doesn't have a shrink ray!

The next case file stars Knight who used to be Squire but is now Knight because Knight was killed by Batthing!

Oh come on! Be funny!

Knight pouts about for a couple of pages because Batman Incorporated has disbanded and Knight is dead and little girls want autographs. But then Springheel Jack attacks and suddenly Knight is needed again! Because the only other heroes are a Mechanic and some guy that wears a Potato Sack on his head. Also Knight is letting everybody call her Squire so I guess she's still Squire even though Squire is a dumb name for a hero without a Knight.

Her ass is pretty fucking impressive though. If you ignore the extreme bifurcation.

Squire defeats Srpingheel Jack and comes to terms with her loss by taking on the name Knight (I was jumping the gun!) and fighting Dinosaur Droogs manning flying battleships. Seriously. Look for yourself!

I'm beginning to think every other member of Batman Incorporated would be more interesting than Batwing. Although he did recently fight a Lion God and Termite Men. Maybe I'm just being lured away by the newness of these characters! Sorry, Batwing, it looks like our relationship has simply lost its passion and run its course.

Hey DC? If the Wonder Woman movie is "too complicated" to make, how about making this one starring Knight and her battle with the Dinosaur Droogs?!

The next person Batman spies on is Raven Red and Man-of-Bats.

The Raven Red story is about Raven Red battling Coyote in the high girders of a half-finished building while remembering a moment speaking with an old man that seemed to be preparing to jump from the top of a casino. The old man worked building skyscrapers and his story makes me feel queasy and uneasy just thinking about the men that built those steel frames. I'm not afraid of heights but those films of men walking around the girders fifty stories or more in the sky just make my stomach fall out of my body. And the man's story and description is exceptionally well told in this short story.

Speaking of heights and not being afraid of them, a recurring dream I used to have just came to me (because of the feeling this story gave me? Possibly!). I grew up in the south bay of the San Francisco Bay Area and was familiar enough with the hills of San Francisco. When you're driving up a really steep hill, it feels like nothing is grounding you to the world and there's absolutely no reason that the car isn't flipping over backwards and sending you tumbling to your death. I used to have dreams about being a passenger in a car driving up these hills. We never flipped over in my dreams but these dreams may have been the most terrifying dreams I had as a child.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's a really nice and evocative story. It's the type of story that every back-up story should try to emulate. This what I absolutely crave in a short eight page back-up feature. Well done!

The next case file stars Nightrunner, El Gaucho, and Dark Ranger. I'm most familiar with El Gaucho because he had the most panel time in the Preboot Batman Incorporated.

These guys are hanging out in Buenos Aires dealing with a city gone mad from some kind of high frequency radio madness attack.

Worst radio station ever. And that's saying something!

While he may be the worst disc jockey I've ever seen (again, that's saying something!), he does have a way with words.

Aquaman would be a good nemesis for a villain that nobody has ever heard of!

They eventually save the day. Batwing would be glad to hear that I'm not exactly clamoring for a comic book starring these guys. Although that's mostly because I still really don't know much about them.

And finally we get to the star of he comic book: Batcow! I'm not going to say this story is worth the cover price because everybody who reads the comic book will then demand that I repay them for thinking this story was worth the cover price. But it does have some really nice Batcow images that I'll probably have to make at least one new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header out of.

Batman Incorporated Special #1 Rating: Just a taste of some stuff that DC had better realize needs to continue. Keep Batman Incorporated's Characters working!