The Terrifics #4

The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."

What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"

That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.

If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.

I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!

Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"

The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).

Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!

The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!

Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"

The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!

Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.

Legion of Super-heroes #18

How's your Level 12 Intelligence going to get you out of this mess, hunh?

The only thing you need to remember about last issue was how Sun Boy was eaten by aliens.

Oh, I guess The Fatal Five were up to no good and caused a massive power outage across the entire universe. That seems to be an issue back on Earth at Legion Headquarters. A huge crowd mob has assembled outside Legion HQ to blame the Legionnaires for the problem. They threaten them. They throw rocks at them. They act really surly! But Harmonia tries to talk them down. Almost hit by a rock? No problem! She remains calm and assures them Legion is on the job. But when a Futurecast Blogger begins asking probing questions about Brainiac's involvement in this disaster?

"No more questions!"

The Legion know who the truly dangerous citizens are! They aren't the ones that resort to violence. They're the ones that begin asking questions. And questions can only lead to answers! And answers are, well, answers are pretty good, actually. Unless the answers portray you in a bad light! If I were these citizens, I'd be even more suspicious of Legion now than I was before I was trying to kill them!

A group of Legionnaires have decided to travel to the planet in the center of the Federation to investigate the power outage. The group is composed of Cosmic Boy whose role is to shout orders, Lightning Lass whose role is to power the ship, Shrinking Violet whose role is to question orders, and Shadow Lass whose role is to constantly point out how much shit they're in. It sounds like they have all the important jobs covered, so it's time to see how everyone is doing on Rimbor.

Rimbor's a total loss and Chameleon Boy, Ultra Boy and Glorith ditch it to head to Glorith's homeworld for some advice from her Magic School Teacher.

Back on Earth, Dream Girl is no help because her power has a major problem.

How many Legion Man Hours are spent researching whether her dream was simply a nightmare about her teeth falling out or a prophecy that they were all going to die from radiation sickness? You suck, Dream Girl.

Still another group of Legion members were fiddling about on the "organic stone" skin of a Promethean Giant. This group was composed of Phantom Girl whose main tactical advantage in battle is to not be hurt, Polar Boy whose possibly the most useful in this group since Sun Boy has been eaten, and Invisible Kid whose main tactical advantage in battle is to not be seen. I have a feeling this group wasn't on a mission in which they thought they'd have to do battle. Perhaps they were on an interplanetary mission of Hide and Seek?

Goddammit! They weren't cannibals! Just like eating a dolphin wouldn't make you a cannibal, Polar Boy! It would make you a dick though. So these aliens were dicks! But they weren't fucking cannibals!

The Promethean Giant they're on must be ticklish because it almost kills them with its giant finger when they start walking about. Good thing they can go intangible! Well, good thing one of them can go intangible! The other two guys are fucked.

Back on Earth, Dream Girl is going to be really sorry she spent all that time having sex with Star Boy instead of dreaming a dream that might have prevented what happens next.

Oh, he'll be okay. The one guy you don't have to worry about when a building falls on him is the guy that can change the density of the building that fell on him.

And finally it turns out that Tharok is controlling the Promethean Giant.

Legion of Super-heroes #18 Rating: No change. Another boring issue. I really liked the last issue a lot and now it just went back to the erratic pacing of a half dozen uninteresting stories. Because there are so many characters to follow and so many threads, the pacing is really important in a book like this. While the creative team nailed it last issue, this issue was just too many boring threads of everybody dealing with having no power. I was almost a fan last issue, Legion! You almost landed me! But I fought too hard and got away. Good luck getting me to fall for your bait a third time. I'm pretty sure last time was only the second time I almost liked the Legion of Super-heroes!