Superman #25

Is this cover blurb, "My enemy, my father," supposed to be shocking? Isn't this the case in everyone's life?

Before reading this, I got a notion to search the Scott Lobdell tag on Tumblr. And after reading a bunch of that stuff, I'd like to clarify something: I do not dislike Scott Lobdell's writing because of how he changed the characters. I don't care how much he changed any of them because The New 52 was supposed to be a Reboot. Shit changes. Whatever. They're definitely not the same characters people loved before the Reboot, but that's kind of the whole point of a Reboot, right? The reason I dislike Scott Lobdell's writing is because it's awful. Even if he was trying his best to write the same characters everybody loved, he'd fail because he has no idea what he's doing. To him, a character's history doesn't fucking matter because all plots derive from future events and time travel. Characters have no motivations built on their history and their experience because they simply react to some future entity coming out of nowhere to fuck with them. Or they have to stop somebody from going into the past and making the world into a dystopian nightmare where heroes are hated and hunted down by gigantic purple and pink robots called Sentimentals.

I just wanted to make that clear so nobody thinks I'm criticizing Scott Lobdell from a place of fan outrage. I never fucking liked Tim Drake anyway. I barely read any Superman comic books (at least not for Superman! I collected DC Presents for the guest stars!). And I've always thought Speedy was a jerk. Although now he's annoying and obnoxious as well. If Scott Lobdell were writing these characters well, I wouldn't be complaining. He might even win over some people who still wouldn't like that Jason Todd's character has changed so much, but are genuinely intrigued by the good writing and new circumstances surrounding the character. But that isn't happening because everything Scott Lobdell touches is actually pretty fucking horrible. I suppose if you're a thirteen year old boy who just wants to see lots of brain-dead action, he might be writing some fantastic books. At thirteen, I would not have been enjoying them but I'm sure some kids do.

Lastly, I actually hope, every single issue by Lobdell, that he writes something wonderful and intriguing. I'm on his side because I want to read good stories! It's just after two years with maybe only four or five well-written scenes under his belt, hope is kind of dead. Just like Superboy is about to be!

But Superboy and Supergirl and Superman are just trying to kill the planet too! So they should all just team up to get the job done!

As if there wasn't enough time travel nonsense happening what with The Super Family spread out across the past and H'el suddenly able to travel through time at will, Future Jor-el shows up from a future Krypton that survived. I guess he's come back to save the planet which he must do because, well, he's here! But Superman has to make sure the planet is destroyed which he must do because Oracle says it has to happen or the universe...excuse me...the Omniverse will perish. I guess this is why father and son are enemies on the cover! I mean, I know that's why their enemies. It was fucking obvious even to an Initiate Comic Book Reader like myself that that was what the cover was hinting at.

Can bashing readers over the head with the obvious be considered "hinting?"

Oh but wait! This is why I'm only an Initiate: they aren't enemies at all! Unless Superman, knowing full well that saving the planet will mean the planet's destruction with everything else, decides Krypton should be saved! No, no. Even Lobdell wouldn't write that story and make Superman look like a huge, selfish douchebag.

Back in the past, H'el turns into confetti in front of Superboy and Supergirl (in two different times!) and disappears from comic books forever!

Ha ha, no, no. He'll be back! In some other future crisis time travel caper! Just you wait and see! Maybe he'll join up with Harvest and they'll go on a Time Travel Buddy Road Trip. That would be a great series!

Actually, he comes back much sooner. For some reason, I was really, really hoping that this comic book was over early and the rest of the pages were just advertisements. H'el now appears in Kal-el's time because, as his father the Omnigenius determined, this is the exact place and time that H'el must always be no matter which time line they are in! Holy shit, he's just the most amazing Chronomathmatecian ever!

Oh Superman. Stop being so righteous! Stop being so...you! At least Scott Lobdell nailed Superman's Holier-than-thou-ness!

Superman declares there is always another way because he's read The Lord of the Rings and he knows that you can't kill the pathetic loser because you think the pathetic loser should be killed! You have to let him live because of some bullshit mumbo jumbo about not being able to bring back those that deserve to live or some such wizardly nonsense. But Superman knows that if he lets H'el live, H'el will be the one to dance around and fall into the lava at the heart of Krypton, thus ensuring its demise!

Superman's next line is, "What kind of universe is worth saving if it's saved through murder?" Really, asshole? You'd rather let everybody in existence die to save this one assH'el? I think General Lane was right! You are a murderer just by lack of action! What a superdick.

Except I'm sure it will all work out and you're making the right decision, Clark. I trust you and your goody two-shoes heart!

You mean Kryptonian.

Hey! Where are those weird little jelly creatures that nearly killed Jor-el the last time he was sent into the middle of Krypton back in Superman #0?! I'd guess that they were what eventually becomes H'el but they attacked younger Jor-el earlier that day while H'el wasn't yet deconstructed. But H'el can time travel, so maybe his deconstituted bits can time travel too!

When Superboy comes out of hiding to tell Alura that she needs to say goodbye to her daughter, I realize how Krypton Returns was probably supposed to happen much earlier with the H'el on Earth story. I bet instead of sending just H'el back in time, all the Supers were supposed to go back. But editorial probably said the Supers couldn't be involved in a time travel story just yet, so you'll have to delay the second half of the story and have Oracle make the stupidest entrance and quickest exit ever by having nothing to fucking do in the "H'el on Earth" story arc. But Scott Lobdell is definitely an Editor's best friend and I'd have to say if that was the plan, he actually did a decent job not having to throw the last half of his story out (which was already foreshadowed in the Zero Issues anyway) and getting his stupid Krypton Returns story back on track. Not that I like the story any. I just think he's probably the master of working with editors because he barely cares if his stories are coherent. So he never has to waste a story idea if it doesn't fit in with any other books because he'll just wedge it in somewhere else later.

So then Superboy helps to throw Argo City into space because, of course, Zor-el fucked up his calculations because he's a shitty scientist and in no way the equal of Jor-el. After Superboy saves all those people (at least until they die in space because, once again, Zor-el isn't really very good at the sciencing), he loses his powers and dies exactly as he lived:

In a Lobdelled Splash Page.

Anyway, we already knew you weren't a living weapon! You were a storage space for Jon-el's spare parts!

Superman beats H'el into Chronal Strips and then freezes him in some kind of perpetual time loop that will keep Krypton from being destroyed. Or saved. Or something. So those things in the core probably were H'el! Somehow. And Superman and Supergirl head back to the present without Superboy. They look around and go, "Oh shit. Well, he helped. Good job, deadie." Then they go back to Earth. But then Krypton returns for an instant! Or not an instant! Or an instant and then not an instant and then another instant and then not or whatever. The end!

Superman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as good as it possibly could be for being a stupid piece of shit. How about Superman refusing to kill H'el to save the same universe that he risks to keep Krypton alive! That's a pretty major risk to take on a stupid theory you just thought up while beating H'el in the face! "Oh, if I can keep him here in some way that I don't really understand but if I say 'Chronal strands' and 'perpetual loop' it all kind of makes sense and I bet it will keep the Time Tsunamis from destroying the world!" spits Superman right in the dying face of his father from a future that never happens because H'el never made it past this point in time to drop some dandruff on the steps of the Capitol building for Jor-el to analyze and figure out everything he needed to figure out to find this point in time! I'm mostly impressed by the fact that this story was probably supposed to take place well before a year after H'el on Earth but it still managed to happen more or less intact. And it probably worked better occurring after H'el #1 from Villains Month. I just hope Scott Lobdell is done with fucking poorly thought out time travel stories now. Please. Please. Build up some stories using the character's motivations instead of interference from future or omniscient sources that stop by and say, "Hey! Dude! You need to do this or Omnithing dies." Fuck, even the Psi-Wars began that way with Orion getting the prophecy from Highfather.

Supergirl #25

The crossover sucks but the cover is fucking brilliant. I mean, the four covers together.

I had to pull out my Superman #25 issue and scan it early so I could put them all together. Here's the finished product:

The top two covers don't line up as well as they should because I scanned them weeks ago and I'm not obsessive about making every cover the exact same pixel size.

Where were we? Fuck if I know! Everybody went back to different times to work on different projects. Supergirl finished hers early which meant she has to do some extra work with H'el.

The issue begins with a gigantic, omnipotent cosmic buttplug named Oracle observing the end of the universe that he knows isn't coming and never does come and never has come and doesn't come never. Hey, he's omnipotent! What the fuck does he have to worry about?

Oracle has made a new friend since last he appeared. His name is the Cobalt Bodysurfer and he says things that come off really stupid when spoken to an omnipotent being. He says, "You've placed a lot of hope on the shoulders of the Kryptonians." Can it really be considered hope when you know Greyhound #3, I've Got Lice, is going to win the race and you place your life savings on the outcome? I'm fairly certain "hope" is the wrong word. He says other stupid shit like this:

Even the Cobalt Bodysurfer knows how this is going to turn out! Why don't they just break for lunch since they know how it's all going to end.

Have I mentioned before how I love time travel stories but fucking despise poorly written and horribly conceived time travel stories? Yeah? I have? Well, it bears repeating! If only I could set it up in an infinite time loop so that it is heard over and over and over again for all eternity although it's only said the one time.

Hundreds of years before Krypton explodes, Supergirl and H'el have a bit of a lover's quarrel. He's hurt because she rammed a shard of Kryptonite into his chest and dumped his ass. She's upset that he would use that against her when all she really tried to do was love his beautifully shaved upper pubic region. But he can't get past it so she has to break his nose before he jams the Kryptonite into her chest.

I think since she already completed her mission, Supergirl can just die now. Since it just changes times and sets things on a different path so that Supergirl never has to come back to Krypton again. I mean, according to the laws of Time Travel in Scott Lobdell's story. Laws that suck festering dick cheese.

Over in the future in Kryptonopolis, Superman watches his mother tell his father that they're going to have a baby. This causes me to reread Superman #0 which I don't recommend anybody do even though it's a companion piece to this story. It's actually the reason this story exists. I'm fairly certain Scott Lobdell wrote Superman #0 with Clark narrating things he couldn't know. So then an editor pointed out how ridiculous it sounded and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! You haven't read the last page!" And he quickly scripted the final page with Superman thinking, "How do I know all of this? Because I was there!" And then Lobdell spent a year figuring out how to get Krypton back so that the end of Superman #0 would make sense. Which is why we had H'el on Earth and Krypton Returns! So I have to say, Superman #0 has truly spawned more horrible comic books than any other comic book ever.

I know, I know. I'm completely wrong about that because Marvel has had some real doozies in their time!

Anyway, Superman thinks about how he wants to save Krypton somehow even at the expense of the Omniverse when a mysterious figure shows up and he says, "You--?! But--how?!" I bet it's Batman!

Meanwhile in Superboy's Mission, the giant green flaming penis named Eradicator is back on his feet and trying to kill Superboy.

"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!"

Superboy winds up kicking The Eradicator through the time portal and into the future. But not just the future! He also kicks him all the way to Smallville, Kansas, United States, Earth, Sol, Milky Way! That was quite the kick!

H'el arrives to stop Superboy but then he breaks down because he's in two timelines at the same time, attacking Supergirl and Super...oh fuck it. This is dumb. Even for a fantastic science fiction story, it makes no sense! When did H'el get the power to travel through time? From H'el #1, it's apparent that H'el can change history over and over again but only from the point he appears in Krypton's past after being Kebab'd with Kryptonite by Supergirl. He isn't personally capable of jumping about time. So he shouldn't be able to appear to Supergirl hundreds of years in the past because he only exists on Krypton from Jor-el's youth to, well, whenever Krytpon explodes. But since he always sends his cells out into space to be born again, he returns and returns and returns. But he doesn't fucking time travel. And now two timelines converging? What the fuck is that about? Why would it fuck him up? Is this some Marty McFly's siblings disappearing from a photograph bullshit? I have a feeling Scott Lobdell's complete knowledge of time travel is from the Back to the Future films.

Anyway, somehow Supergirl and Superboy figure out that H'el is fighting in two timelines because that's the first fucking conclusion I would jump to when I see a gash open in someone's chest and they mutter, "Two...timelines...converging." Oh! I get it! That fucker is in two timelines! Let's kick his ass!

Also, Supergirl has become leader of the clones because she defeated their leader. Hey, that's just the way that primitive shit works!

Supergirl #25 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sorry to have to drop Supergirl's rankings for a shitty fucking piece of shit shitty shit shit shitpile of a shitstorm crossover, but I can't with good conscience not drop this fuckery down a few ranks. I wonder if pouring Cough Medicine in my eyes will make me feel better?

Superboy #25

You beware the Eradicator!

I wish I were eight years old and writing these commentaries. They'd be so much more entertaining. I wonder where I can hire an eight year old to take over? Anybody have a son or daughter that you wouldn't mind exposing DC Comics to? Also, they'd have to work with me so they'd have to have an extensive knowledge of curse words and know a bunch of synonyms for poop.

The last issue of Superboy, Superboy and Krypto were imprisoned by Psycho Pirate. Superboy had lost his powers. I don't know if Krypto had. But forget that story. That story doesn't exist anymore. That story will probably never continue. I can see no possible future event that will cause that story to continue since Superboy wound up flip-flopping through time until he was spit out in the Action Comics Annual to be a part of Krypton Returns! And that is the story that this issue follows. Not the Psycho Pirate story! Remember, you're supposed to forget that story!

For a company that seems to try to keep tight reigns on continuity, DC, deep down, doesn't actually give any fucks.

So, returning to the shittiest Superman story ever created (Return to Krypton Returns Again), Superboy was last left with the task of getting Past Supergirl into a rocket headed toward Earth before Krypton explodes. The difficulty is that she'll probably punch him in the face before every conversation. But she's young and boy crazy, so he should be able to lure her into a dark, confined space fairly easily.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell or Justin Jordan is responsible for the Narration Boxes but I'm taking them at face value: whoever wrote it really isn't clear on any of this story.

Kara and Kon are immediately set upon by The Eradickator, a deus ex plot device to keep Supergirl from going to Earth. Which will keep H'el from being stabbed by Kryptonite which will make it so he never comes back in time to Krypton's past which would ruin all of his plans completely. Wait. What? I think that's the opposite of what he wants. I guess H'el figured out a way to set up the time stream so that he is successful with his initial H'el on Earth plan while setting up all the other events that will make Krypton return in the correct and proper format for his supreme transcendence.

I don't know what I'm talking about. But I already gave up trying to make sense of Ann Nocenti's Katana. Can I allow myself to give up trying to make sense of anything Scott Lobdell interferes with as well?

So, The Eradickator. He appears and gives us his amazingly awesome origin as part of his introduction:

Really? Is that who you are? Because you just look like a great big flaming green cock with arms and legs.

The Eradickator is awfully proactive for being the living embodiment of entropy. I would expect to find him sitting on a couch covered in cheese puff powder and empty Mountain Dew cans. If he's the entropy across the entire universe, why is Krypton so special to him? He's playing favorites, isn't he? Shouldn't he love all of his gradually decaying planets equally?

He really is quite veiny, isn't he?

Superboy engages with The Eradickator while remembering the past events and comic books that led up to this. He conveniently forgets what was happening at the end of Superboy #24 though because that doesn't fit in with any of the other various titles he's appeared in (and, I think, he's guest starred in all of The New 52!).

While Superboy tries to get his giant dick under control, Supergirl has appeared in the past to wipe out the Clone Rebellion. From her initial observation, she declares that the clones are even more savage than historical records had indicated. So that means they must have served tea and biscuits to unwanted intruders because these Clones don't immediately kill her. In fact, they tell her several times the interesting ways that she's going to die and yet still don't try to kill her. I don't think they actually want to engage in violence. Perhaps their language has evolved to use only the phrases they've heard snarled at them by the authorities of Krypton? So when they say, "Have guts. See them on ground. Kneel and die," what they really mean is, "Welcome to our humble abode. Please, have a seat." And when they say, "I cut pretty throat now," they actually mean, "Would you care for a cool beverage?"

A fight erupts between Supergirl and the Clones because she's an ungrateful guest although it's not really any more aggressive than a handshake. Perhaps this is the way Clones size each other up and earn each other's respect. Instead of testing out the firmness of the other person's handshake in a judgmental display of passive superiority, they punch each other in the jaw and see who knocks out the most teeth. All of this fighting leads Kara to remember the days when she trained under Superman's mother, for some reason. I guess she learned an important lesson in manners that day.

This must be the lesson that taught Supergirl to punch people in the face when she first meets them. Which is why she remembered it now that she's punching her new friends, The Clone Army, in their faces!

Meanwhile in another place and time, Superman is busy beating the shit out of his mother because he has to. Oracle said so!

He also calls her an ass.

After Superman is laid out by his mother's kick, he tells her he's a friend. Then the Superman Sigil appears on his chest and she decides not to kick him in the face anymore. She says he'll get to meet Jor-el later so they can figure out what is going on. Then Superman will get to say, "Surprise! Baby's back! And I'm here to make sure you die!"

Back to Superboy fighting The Eradicator, Superboy is concerned that his power reserves are running out under the Red Sun (just as they've all been because they have to remind the readers that they'll eventually lose their powers so there is more tension. Although if it takes such a long time for them to lose their powers under the red sun simply because their reserve of yellow sun energy is running out, why is Superman always so adversely affected by Red Sun energy like when battling the, ugh, Sunturians? Shouldn't it just be a non-issue? I'm confused. Is Red Sunlight harmful to Kryptonians or is it simply the absence of Yellow Sunlight that is the problem?). But do Superboy's powers actually derive from the Yellow Sun? I thought he was different somehow since his powers are so different. Shouldn't he maintain his tactile telekinesis since that was developed in the lab somehow or derived from Alternate Future Lois Lane's latent abilities? I think The New 52 has some 'splaining to do.

Well, Superboy explains some of it. But the fact still remains: Why the fuck was he even concerned about the Red Sun in the first place?!

Superboy "eradicat"s The Eradicator (because that was what he was thinking too! That he would eradicat!) and taps into Argo City, realizing that the city itself is going to detach from the planet soon. Maybe. That might be what he realized. I'm guessing at that.

Back to Supergirl's dinner party, it's been a feral success! But there's a latecomer to the party and he's brought a gift!

I still hate the stupid fucking backwards "S" on his chest. Get your own gimmick, assH'el.

Superboy #25 Rating: No change. I have nothing more to say about Krypton Returns so let me say this instead: I woke up with my epitaph ringing in my head. This shall be on my tombstone, if I can afford one after I die a pauper:

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.