Constantine #8

The joke is on Sargon. Constantine doesn't have a heart. He just keeps his lunch in his chest cavity. Today, he was having pomegranate.

I hope, if you're American, your Thanksgiving dinner went better than mine. We were attacked by a roving band of wraiths recently raised by a hipster coven. It happens more often than you'd think here in Portland. Anyway, I was wounded and lost a shit-ton of experience points. Sadly, I'm now only an Apprentice Comic Book Reader. But at least I have leftovers! Does anybody know the best way to reheat wraith?

Last issue, Constantine hate-fucked Sargon the Sorceress while Tannarak was busy stealing all of the magic to split with Mister E and Sargon. Normally I would have said Sargon fucked Constantine since she was the instigator of the sexual liaison but then I couldn't have uses the phrase "hate-fucked." Sargon thoroughly enjoyed the hate-fucking, by the way. It's her version of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Sorry to any readers that are offended by my acknowledgement that corporate products exist and my use of their advertising as a cultural point of reference. I know it must be truly hard to have to hear that, especially after putting so much effort into calling everything by their non-branded names like "adhesive bandage" and "tissue" and "large square garbage receptacle" and "somehow less-than-satisfying peanut butter cup that I'll pretend is just as delicious as the famous one."

This issue begins with Constantine playing chess with older Constantine, probably in some post-sexual mindscape. But that's just a guess from an Apprentice Comic Book Reader who's really just beginning to find his footing in this strange four-colored medium. Unless it has more now. And maybe it's not a medium.

You know how many kids I had to kill during Chess Club because they wouldn't let me take back a move I just noticed I didn't want to make but my fingers had come off the piece? Who wants to play chess to win by careless mistakes? I say let your opponent take back any move she just made if you've yet to make your move! Chess is about defeating the best possible opponent you can. If you just want to win by any means necessary, go into politics.

Mister E has just smashed his Stormbringer Cane into John's back which has caused John to regress inside of his mind for advice from the chess playing old man that is apparently named George. I might remember him from Hellblazer if I hadn't been drained of so much experience yesterday. After chatting with Mind George, he decides on a plan: turn the white bishop into a black bishop! That'll surprise Mister E! Somehow! Probably in some racist way because Mister E is practically Foghorn Leghorn and that fucker was a rich, white plantation rooster.

"Ah say, Ah say son. Yah jus' like a tattoo. Gets under the skin, Ah mean."

John and Mister E engage in some magic sparring which gives Mister E a chance to say "matrix tricks" in Old Portugese [sic]. And it's the chance I've been waiting for! I finally have the last letter in the alphabet: "X"! I know "Z" is the last letter! You don't think I can sing? I meant the last letter that I didn't have a symbol for, jerko!

"You know what else gets under your skin? Treponema pallidum!"

Then John sticks his Moonsword up Mister E's backside and the battle is over. Oh yeah! Forget the blind man hitting you in the back of the head; this is how sex usually ends!

Meanwhile some old guy with a blindfold has been watching the encounter through his crystal ball. He was probably just watching for Sargon sitting on Constantine's face but then that whole fight broke out. Except he had a blindfold on. Maybe he loves porn but is really ashamed of loving porn and so he wears a nearly opaque blindfold that lets him see just enough to deny he's seeing porn. But he wears it all the time because he can imagine the blurry images he sees are always somebody getting fucked by somebody else. And being old, nobody ever says anything about his inappropriate erection straining against the material in his pants. Anyway, this guy speaks in Old Portugese [sic] Pig Latin which is a new attempt to obfuscate what's being said. I've seen the messages written backwards and the symbols printed in mirror image. But this is the first Pig Latin!

"This is the magic! We cast spells like so! Magical Pig Latin works best!"

I can't stop myself from translating all of the stupid Runespeak, Old Portugese [sic], Magic Symbol, Alienese crap even though it always ruins the flow of the narrative because it never has anything to do with the story and always just refers to itself. Except for in Justice League International where it was actually the dialogue of the alien, Peraxxus. One time it was also the letterer's declaration of love to his girlfriend but that didn't have anything to do with the story either. I should just stop translating it! But then I might miss something crucial!

Oh, the blindfolded guy might also be Tannarak but who can tell? I've forgotten what he looks like!

Tannarak and Sargon suck up Mister E's juices after Constantine kills him. And then Constantine agrees to join The Cult of the Cold Flame because Sargon and Tannarak are idiots that really should know better than to take Constantine's words and actions and every single thing he does ever at face value. I suppose their gigantic egos don't help them. They can't believe they haven't broken John's spirit with their genius plans and amazing powers and so they believe he's agreed to join them. But once he's signed the contract or drank the Kool-Aid or whatever, he speaks to his sword in Runespeak. And it actually means something in the context of the story! He says, "Talk to me," and then spits on his sword. And it talks to him, sounding suspiciously like Foghorn Leghorn.

Constantine makes plans with Mister E's Moonsword Self to defeat the Cult of the Cold Flame and kill Sargon and Tannarak. But he needs to play it slow because, in the meantime, he has to deal with all that shit going down in the Trinity War and Forever Evil.

Constantine #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. This was a good comic book. Right? It was pretty good, wasn't it? I think it was okay. I haven't read any other reviews to find out what I should really think but I think I liked it. Didn't I?

Constantine #7

He can have my soul! Along with my unicorn and my Tooth Fairy and my virginity and my sense of childlike wonder!

How many people picked up this issue and couldn't remember what had happened in Issue #6? Well, probably nobody that reads this handy reference blog where they can just click on the Constantine link in the sidebar to get a list of commentaries on all the issues and have a quick read about Issue #6! Of course, you'd have to wade through all of my bullshit about Godzilla battling Superman. But it's still easier than digging through your comic book boxes to give #6 a quick flip thru.

Also, you could just wait until this paragraph where I say, "Last issue, Constantine almost died but he didn't because he was saved by his new best friend: Mister Voodoo! I mean Papa Midnite! I don't know which name is more offensive! Probably because I have no idea what is offensive and what isn't offensive and I often just try to pretend to understand.

Oh yeah. The Cult of the Cold Flame also ransacked his New York Apartment. And judging from this panel, turned his landlady into some kind of vengeful guardian demon spirit that pushes hard candies and 7-Up onto her guests.

Meanwhile Mister E is using Constantine's magic items to discover the location of all the other mages in the world so he can, as the cover says, steal their souls. He also talks like Foghorn Leghorn so forgive me if I don't find him threatening in the least.

I'm not sure if this panel is supposed to make me believe Mister E is less like Foghorn Leghorn than I originally thought because it's actually strengthening my opinion.

If Mister E is Foghorn Leghorn, who is John Constantine? The Chicken Hawk or the Barnyard Dog? I suppose he plays both roles depending on the situation. Sometimes he's the victim and sometimes he's the other thing. Whatever you're called when you're not the victim. The Man?

While Mister E steals the power from The Witch of Deepwater, John Constantine heads up to make sure Dotty his landlady is okay. She hasn't been turned into a demon or anything. She's just had a minor Fake Visit From Your Dead Husband Cantrip placed on her, so she's all happy and sad at the same time. John decides he needs to remove the spell so she's just sad. But at least she won't be under the influence of a spell anymore! That was a close call.

Also meanwhile elsewhere as well, Tannarak the leader of the Cold Flame performs a ritual that will...well, I don't know what it will do. Probably make him really powerful while leaving all of the Cold Flame officers and recruits powerless and betrayed.

Here's how the ritual is done just in case you wanted to become all-powerful. First, litter your yard with shit acquired at garage sales. Then hold your replica Stormbringer sword into the air and yell, "These are magic symbols. Abraca dabra hocus pocus abraca dabra hocus dabra. Newport news Walla Walla Washington. By the power of this magic junk, I have the power!" Congratulations! You now rule the world!

Sargon travels to New York to mock Constantine while she waits for Mister E to return with a couple sackful of mage's powers which she'll absorb to become powerful enough to kill Zatanna. Hopefully she doesn't gloat to John that she's about to do that because I'm nearly positive he'll jam a lit cigarette in her eye if she does. She's also absorbing one-third of the power from Tannarak's ritual. So I guess Tannarak didn't betray his buddies. Looks like The Cold Flame actually cares about three of its hundreds of members. That's refreshing!

If he actually winds up shoving that thing in Sargon's eye, I'm changing my title to Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

Sargon continues to mock John because that's the only reason she came by to visit. She tells him Mister E will be around to kill him so why the fuck is she here? Oh yeah. To see the look on his face when she tells John that he lost and that everything he accomplished in the last five years all ended up serving the purpose of The Cold Flame. She also decides to get extra close to John so she can wrap her extra long finger around his neck because she used to dream of choking him. Is her secret identity Princess Unicorn Pants?

Sargon's father said her dream meant she would one day choose John's fate. And it seems he may have been right because Sargon winds up kissing John and then taking off with him. I guess she's in love! I have a feeling she just fell in love suddenly because it was John's last trick. Or John could actually be surprised by this weird turn of events. It's hard to tell when magic is involved. I am sad that I won't be referring to myself as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader though.

While John and Sargon are off fucking, Mister E gets Constantine's ex-wife to join the Cult of the Cold Flame. It's either that or Mister E kills her. I'm not sure what happens to their daughter. Does The Cult of the Cold Flame have a daycare?

This sex ends how most sex ends with a blind man smashing Constantine in the back of his head with a magic rod.

Constantine #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Hopefully Constantine can keep away from the non-magic superheroes for awhile, at least in his own comic book. I liked this much better than some of the earlier issues. It feels like Fawkes might have finally found his footing in the story and knows what he wants to do with Constantine and the Cult and the big three magic baddies in that cult. Plus Etrigan had a cameo! And this story didn't take place in Chicago!