Convergence: Justice League of America #2

The Chip Kidd variant really should have been Martian Manhunter and not secretly a dangerous manhunter Steel.

Last issue, the Tangent Universe Secret Six attacked the Pre-Crisis era Justice League of America. You might not remember that group because you were probably born over ten years after they were destroyed by Despero. You can blame Millennium a little bit too, I think. Also the popularity of Vibe, Steel, and Gypsy which was nearly non-existent. It wasn't the most enthralling group of super heroes to put on the cover of your comic book. When Zatanna, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter are your most recognizable team members, you've already counted out potential customers that don't have any knowledge of the DC Universe. They might glance at the book and think, "Where's Batman? Or Superman? And why is Wonder Woman talking backwards with a lobster on her head?" The only team member a casual reader of comic books might recognize is Aquaman which would have kept most people from buying the book.

Y'all may think I have an irrational hater's hatred for Aquaman but I don't. I merely live in reality. This era of the Justice League of America took place just a few years before DC Comics sat down to retool Aquaman. And the reason they decided he was unpopular? The outfit. When that didn't work (partly because the mini-series which introduced it was an awful story about how Aquaman needed intense psychotherapy to deal with his unrepentant mother boners (I don't know what that means but I'm sure it's a legitimate psychology term)), Peter David walked into DC's offices and said, "I know why people aren't buying Aquaman! His right hand! Lose it and we're golden!" And just like every other time Peter David had something to say about a comic book character, he was right. For some reason. People loved the new hairy, one-handed Aquaman! At least until people began to turn on the whole "gritty superhero" movement while they also decided that horrible art was the new hip thing!

Imagine how much less respect the team would get if Aquaman were free!

Vicki Vale is standing on the edge of the battle doing play-by-play in a smooth, coherent manner the way no on-site local news reporter has ever done in the history of ever. It should actually be more of the camera man filming the battle in a wide angle to get as much as he can cover as Vicki Vale says things like, "Did you see that?!" and "Police are, um, standing behind...err, back, as the combatants engage in, um, combat."

Sue Dibny handles the Narration Boxing because she gets to say things that would seem ridiculous to have Vicki Vale saying. Things like noticing Gypsy even though Gypsy's super power is to not be noticed. But then Sue probably knows what to look for! Or maybe she can smell her patchouli oil.

The Justice League is getting handily beat by Tangent Secret Six when Gypsy throws a belt full of grenades to cover the JLA's retreat. Part of me wishes that she wouldn't have interfered and this comic book could have ended early. I still have a week and a half of Convergence books to get through and they're really beginning to wear me down since they're essentially the same story over and over again. And the worst part is that most of the stories don't have any kind of satisfying conclusion. The battles tend to end, the combatants shrug their shoulders and go back to their lives waiting for the world to end.

Convergence has also made it convenient for me to procrastinate. I'd love to finish these comics up in a long Saturday marathon session but I have so many other more interesting things to do with my time! Especially now that I've invested in such a beautiful, powerful, game-playing laptop! I wish Torment 2 were available already!

Go ahead, believe it. Stop living with lies!

The Secret Six crash through the wall of the storage locker the Justice League of America are cowering in. Since the team didn't have time to come up with a plan, I think this scene was meant to show that they're all self-hating losers with no gumption or tenacity. Those are just two words I picked at random that seemed like traits that a team of winners would possess.

While the Justice League of America gets their asses handed to them a second time, Sue Dibny tries to figure out how to free Zatanna and Martian Manhunter so the team actually stands a chance against Tangent Secret Six.

And Aquaman! I forgot about Aquaman! He'll help by...um...well, by being Aquaman!

Vibe murders Tangent Plastic Man by shaking him into a bunch of plastic gaming pieces. While The Atom is distracted because "Gunther" was apparently his lover, Steel punches him in the face with his super Steely Steel Punch of Steeliness.

Can you get any more cliche, Atom? Can I?!

It's so cliche to point out somebody else's cliches! Especially in that sarcastic Chandler Bing voice. I think "Can you be any more [whatever]" was the biggest joke on Friends for ten years.

Sue Dibny digs up a Mr. Freeze gun to freeze Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and Zatanna. Since they're currently in stasis which is kind of like being frozen in time, this makes sense somehow. It makes more sense if you pay attention to the comic book explanation instead of ignoring it completely like I'm doing. It works and the Big Two Plus Aquaman are free! Zatanna casts a spell that sends the Tangent Secret Six back home and the fight is over. Presumably she just did them a huge favor and they're now free of Planet Brainiac and back home in the real Tangent Universe*.

*Tangent Universe not really real.

When it's all over, Vicki Vale goes in for an interview and completely ignores Aquaman. That's understandable. Ralph gives some speech about how he's proud to fight alongside this group of barely lovable losers. He probably likes it because he's actually respected by them as opposed to being seen as a joke by Batman and Wonder Woman.

Convergence: Justice League of America #2 Rating: I guess the point of this series was to give the Detroit Justice League a modicum of respect that they really never fucking deserved. Couldn't we have just left this team buried and forgotten about them? Although they may have been an interesting and fun team at the time! But who would know?! We were all looking at the covers going, "Why would I buy this comic book?!" I know, I know. All the weird little Martian Manhunter fans are desperately composing harshly worded emails in their minds right now. Well, I don't need to hear from y'all, okay?! You can keep your arguments to yourself. I already know what lateral lisps sound like!

Divergence: Batman Loves Superman
"The epic new storyline 'TRUTH' continues. In this chapter, what are the consequences of a bond broken?"

Should I remember what this "TRUTH" storyline should be about? Is this the same story that was featured in the Action Comics Sneak Peak?

This story begins with a bunch of gangsters smashing up Wayne Enterprises in Gotham. Superman arrives via motorcycle since he can't fly anymore. He beats them up because he has no powers anymore but he can write articles and bale hay. That's almost like being trained in hand-to-hand combat, right? After he defeats the bad guys because he's Superman even if he has no powers, Commissioner Batman crashes through the wall, sees a guy in a Superman shirt who looks like Superman and says, "Who the hell are you?" It's not like he's wearing glasses, Jim! And he's wearing a Superman shirt! It's not like he's changed it up with one of those Superjew shirts.

Commissioner Batman decides the best course of action is to punch Superman in the face and arrest him. Commissioner Batman obviously doesn't care about killing perps since he punches the guy he apparently doesn't know is Superman full in the face with his power armored fist. Then he tazes him because it's just another average day in the life of a cop. Superman somehow manages to not die after all of this and still get on his motorcycle to drive away. He's chased by Commissioner Batman so he grabs a pole as he speeds past which spins his motorcycle around. He rides toward Commissioner Gordon who then shoots a rocket at him, blows up the motorcycle, and somehow doesn't turn Superman into a stain on the sidewalk.

That's when Lex Luthor arrives on his Tenser's Floating Disc to ask Superman for his hand in hetero-marriage.

The only fucking law Superman broke is resisting arrest. And that's a bullshit, catch-all law to just haul in anybody the cops want to haul in anyway. So fuck you, Lex. Superman hasn't done anything fucking wrong.

Oh wait! I just thought of another law Superman broke: not dying at the hands of a cop that abused every single ounce of his power. The police are going to be pretty pissed about this! Especially if it was caught on camera!

Convergence: Justice League of America #1

Be careful, guys! Steel is a Manhunter and Vibe is a racist caricature!

Yay for the era when Zatanna used to wear a lobster on her head! And Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman all had better things to do, apparently. I think this was the era where they worked out of a cave somewhere as well but I could be remembering wrong. I seem to remember Manhunter Steel ripped apart inside of a cave headquarters. Plus the Doom Patrol took over their headquarters after they disbanded. I think? This was also the makeup of the Justice League of America when I was first got into comic books. That's probably redundant after all of the times I mentioned getting into comic books around the beginning of Crisis on Infinite Earths. And this week's Convergence books all deal with pre-Crisis characters.

Fabian Nicieza begins this comic book in a way that I would usually call "Lobdelling it" but I'll give it a pass this time because it's cute and clever and heart-breaking all at the same time.

Sue Dibny, you are missed.

Of course it's been a long time since Ralph has been able to kiss Sue since she was killed off in Identity Crisis. Fabian gives us the moment where they're reunited without either of them actually being conscious that this is a reunion. Ralph goes on to say it's been a long time since he was able to kiss her from the kitchen since he's stretching his neck into the bedroom to give her a peck. It seems this issue, unlike all of the others, is beginning the day after the dome fell. He might flash back to the moment it falls since he's probably mandated to explain the situation just in case readers of this book haven't read any of the others. I can't fault him for that although I wish the book could just continue from this moment and skip the whole Planet Brainiac announcement. Maybe one of the characters will just remember it over one page and we can be done with it.

Sue does the Narrating and she mentions the dome and the competition, so maybe that's enough! Chriscross also makes sure in the art that Sue's wedding ring is loud and proud which is a nice nod to a time when DC Comics actually allowed happily married couples. The Dibnys more than anybody else represented an ability to have a well-rounded, happy life as a superhero couple.

Elongated Man (who I can't wait to appear on CW's The Flash since Ralph Dibny was mentioned as one of the people who disappeared when STAR Labs blew up) meets up with the team at a local gym so they can prepare for their battle.

What?! No "ese" or "culo" or "maricón"?! Who is this Vibe?!

Elongated Man, Vibe, Steel, and Vixen get some quick training in as they wait to hear from Sue Dibny and Commissioner Gordon about any trouble. Ralph is also kind of hoping that they'll get some information from one of the team's big three. I guess he means Aquaman, Gypsy, and Martian Manhunter? Is Gypsy really one of the big three? Maybe he knows Wonder Woman is also in town and means her. Oh wait! He must mean Zatanna! Duh!

Sue explains that Martian Manhunter was in his human form when the dome fell so he was trapped as a human. I guess that also explains why Colossal Boy was stuck at twelve feet tall. And why Ralph Dibny's dick was as long as a firehose.

As Aquaman, J'onn, and Zatanna telepathically search for enemy minds, the building that Ralph and the others are in implodes. It was probably Vibe's fault.

When the Big Three Point One Four (that last bit is Gypsy!) arrive to investigate, they find a box with a button and a note that reads "Do not press the candy red button please." Zatanna, who three seconds ago said that something was interfering with her magicks, says a spell to protect her team and then presses the button. Idiot. When the button is pressed, the Big Three Point One Four wind up in a stasis field while their opponents appear from the Tangent Universe.

That's quite the crotch shot. I wonder if I email Chriscross, he'll send me his reference pic.

Sue Dibny jumps to quite the conclusion by realizing that this team must be from an alternate Earth. But she is Pre-Crisis, so they were probably facing alternate Earth threats all the fucking time. I guess it's a reasonable conclusion. Carry on.

The big guy on the team is Tangent Plastic Man. I bet in this Tangent Universe, he's actually funny! Ha! Burn!

The one with the flail tied to her head is Manhunter. The Ragman wannabe is The Spectre. The other characters aren't specifically named but one is a female Joker who acts an awful lot like Harley Quinn, one shoots atomic blasts, and the last one is a polite girl that can create illusions of herself.

Gypsy managed to stay out of Zatanna's stasis field so she's the last member active until Elongated Man, Steel, Vixen, and Vibe blast out of the rubble to challenge the Secret Six. It's at this point that Vibe acts like the caricature of a Hispanic gang member that he used to be when he mentions that he doesn't know what "tenacious" means and then calls the atomic guy "cafre." That's actually not so bad. At least Vibe can pronounce "tenacious" in this iteration of his character. Back in the early eighties, they probably would have had him say "tenaciouso!"

Convergence: Justice League of America #1 Rating: I must have completely missed this Tangent Universe bullshit although I wouldn't be surprised if going through my old comic books I find some issues from it. My favorite part about this Convergence issue was that it began everything post-Planet Brainiac's speech. I also think it did a good job introducing so many characters in one issue. It can't be easy to have this two issue Convergence assignment and be given a full team that has to battle another full team. Sue really was down on this version of the Justice League of America though. I know fans look at this team as a group of C-Listers but it seems wrong that Sue also thinks of them that way. I guess she's just being honest with herself. It's not like she was speaking the lines to their faces. Besides, any team that has J'onn and Zatanna on it is already a formidable group of heroes.

I sure hope Vibe doesn't die next issue! I was crossing my fingers when I typed that! It's hard to type like that.

Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Katana #9

How was the Soultaker reforged if Mona Shard had a piece of it? Is it smaller now? Not as magical? Less storage space for souls?

Last issue, Katana finally defeated Coil. Again. But that wasn't enough for her to infiltrate the Sword Clan. I mean join the Sword Clan. I mean take over as leader of the Sword Clan.

You know what? This book has been cancelled. I'm done trying to warp it into coherency.

What? I am so sick of your bullshit wisdom, Katana! It takes effort to design a very heavy ship so that it is capable of floating. But once designed, no fucking effort. Floating is not a fucking effort! Floating just happens! It's physics! It takes effort to sink something that floats, you stupid wombat! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

Katana should put out a book of her Wisdom. "Everything I Need to Know I Never Learned and Just Resort to Bullshit." Hmm, maybe I should put out that book!

Remember when she said crocodiles prefer rotten meat? LIES! Why is she so stupid? Maybe Katana should not have been homeschooled by superstitious ignoramuses that learned all of their facts from overheard conversations in bars. Oh! Maybe that was her daycare situation as a child. She was just left on the floor of a tavern, soaking in the knowledge and fumes of drunken failures.

Katana strides into Dagger Clan territory confident that she will be able to defeat them because, as she says seven different times in the first two pages, they are drunkards that love to party. SEVEN FUCKING TIMES! I get it, Katana. I FUCKING GET IT! They love drunkenness and revelry and murder. But now they have a new leader named Mona Shard! She's a devilish little imp that's possessed the body of a grade school Al Capone. Seriously. I think the little kid that Mona possessed was possibly just as dangerous as Mona.

Oh? Do you think they might be drunk?

Katana strides in overconfident and winds up stabbed in the back by Mona Shard's Kris which is made from a piece of Katana's Soultaker. Katana's plan while fighting the Dagger Clan is to keep her distance so their short swords can't reach her. But then she realizes that plan is a mistake because Stiletto (one of the Dagger Clan) has a long reach! So what would have been a better plan? To keep your distancer? To keep distantest? Well, she'll never make that mistake again! Until the next time she faces the Dagger Clan, of course. She retreats this time and Mona Shard gives her the best advice anybody could ever give anyone.

I also agree with Mona Shard that Katana is stupid.

Later, Katana fucks Sickle and has a nightmare about whether she should date the corporeal bad boy or the incorporeal nice guy. You can tell it's a dream because she makes more out of the bad boy/nice guy dichotomy than the substantial/insubstantial aspect which, you know, actually makes more sense. "Should I fuck the corporeal guy or spend all my time masturbating while the incorporeal guy watches?" Hmm, when I state it like that, I'd take the incorporeal guy.

After sex, Katana heads out to investigate some addresses that Sickle left for her along with a Falconer's hood. She follows Coil to an illegal gambling operation where he collects a payoff.

Shouldn't this have been how the first issue began? All she's been doing is going after the Sword Clan! Now she decides to find out if they're corrupt?

No, no. I won't let Ann Nocenti pull me in. I will not try to make sense of this comic book. No more, Ann Nocenti! No more!

Katana decides to confront Coil and, once again, just like every fucking issue since #1 (pretty much), she finds herself fighting Coil. I HATE YOU, KATANA! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL HIM AT THE SAN FRANCISCO ZOO WHEN YOU HAD HIM PINNED TO THAT TREE, YOU UNCUT COCK!

Meanwhile, Shuntouchable has purchased a gun with which to murder Coil. But when she misses and blows the head off one of his men, she gets a better idea. She'll go after all the men that marked her body and scar them, saving Coil for last. And then she'll scar him the scariest! I guess Coil's subordinates went after Katana and now Coil is just hanging out or trying to get away or something when Shuntouchable tries blowing his head off. Whatever. I don't fucking care. Tired of wasting brain power on Nocenti's incomprehensible story telling.

The Mad Samurai has found a sumo wrestler to ride because his plan is to get fat and get the Soultaker back from Katana. That's a good plan if you don't think about it much which I'm not doing at all! Then he captures a mouse under a bowl and it's all very meaningful if you've read an interview with Ann Nocenti where she explains why she put that piece into the story.

And then here's the final page because UGH.

Also, the art was horrible because I don't think anybody gives a shit about spending time drawing this fucking script.

Katana #9 Rating: -Eleventy Billion. I hate this fucking comic book so much. But I don't hate you, Katana! I forgive you! It's not your fault that you're being written by this hack, Ann Nocenti! Don't worry. You'll get another chance to shine when a good writer comes along and revives the original Outsiders for The New 52.

The Creeper #1

I expected to scan this cover and just get a gigantic lens flare.

I'm just going to read all of these in random order, so lets get Ann Nocenti's amazing piece of crap out of the way first. Bonus: Story by Dan DiDio!

So back in the 16th Century Japan which is a time when there were Japanese people and it was the 16th Century, a small boy named Jakku allowed a demon to live behind his tongue. "It's okay, Jakku," it would say when his father would begin drinking too much and verbally abusing the rest of the family. "Everything will be okay, Jakku." Jakku would waggle his finger and speak in a raspy voice when he was being the demon. Or pretending to be the demon, the Ninja Therapist his parents took him to would say. "You see, Mister and Missus Jakku, your son is suffering from a disassociated personality. He's escaping what he finds to be an insufferable home life that doesn't provide him the adequate feeling of love and safety needed for a young boy his age. Might I suggest a long, extended vacation? Perhaps to a monastery up on Mt. Fuji? They're completely isolated in the worst parts of winter and I hear one of them needs a caretaker for the winter while the monks go on a religious sojourn. Perhaps you and your family could go there and bond." The family thought this was a divine idea, especially the mother! Jakku's father decided he could get some Haiku writing done in the peace and stillness of the deserted monastery. But Jakku was worried that a change in locale would not confer a change in his father's attitude. "I don't want to go, Mr. Jakku," complained the demon before killing Jakku's family and the entire village leaving Jakku to wonder how he, alone, remained alive. "It will be okay," said the demon. "Everything will be okay."

I fucking can't stand arbitrary chaos! Give me well-scheduled and orderly chaos every fucking time!

For twenty years, Jakku's demon made him do horrible, terrible things but then left the blame on a passing tornado every time. But that did not fool The Mad Samurai! And since the Mad Samurai didn't know that Jakku's Demon had already explained why it chose Jakku on the first page, The Mad Samurai repeats the story on the third page. But you'd have thought that Ann Nocenti would have noticed.

So the Mad Samurai destroys Jakku and his little demon buddy. I think the Mad Samurai's name is Halloran and he wields the Soultaker Sword!

I'm pretty excite for Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining set to be released this month!

So The Mad Samurai fought his way to the top of the Sword Clan of the Outsiders. He says he was crazy and he says crazy people know they're crazy. But he can't speak for all crazy people. He can only speak for himself. I suspect it's more that crazy people, at times of greater lucidity, suspect that they might be crazy. Like Philip K. Dick!

In my later years when I'm somehow recounting the tale of my death, I'm going to be sure to use a lot of sexual euphemisms.

Once inside the Soultaker sword, The Mad Samurai was tortured by The Creeper as was every other soul which was inside the blade. But only a few matter because they're characters that have been set loose from the sword over in Katana, like Maseo and Mona Shard and probably the Dragon thing that Killer Croc is supposed to be turning into his best friend.

Eventually the story begins to repeat shit from Katana. As if I ever needed to revisit that garbage! For some reason, The Creeper decides to possess a corpse. I'm not saying that I think that's stupid since this is a comic book but I am typing it: that's fucking stupid. But I suppose since The Phantom Stranger got him killed for The Font in the Sky's mysterious purposes, The Font in the Sky miraculously kept Jack Ryder's body in a state of near death and perfectly sealed freshness.

Once The Creeper possesses Jack Ryder (a feat known as "riding" which Ann Nocenti will never let us fucking forget. "I'm gonna ride this!" "Gotta go find a body to ride!" "Ride 'em if ya got 'em!" "Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride!"), it goes on a random spree of chaotic randomness. It's truly terrible for all of the boring people trying to live boring lives who don't fucking care about things that ambitious people actually think everybody cares about. How dare people just want to raise a family and have a quiet life?! Ugh! So fucking boring! You should be out burning shit down or drinking a lot or yelling "WOOOO!" everywhere you to prove to everybody around you that you're living an exciting life!

I really don't like The Creeper. I have the smallest inkling of suspicions that it's because Ann Nocenti is writing him though.

Some stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder isn't dead. Then some other stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead. Then some sort of different stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead.

I can't tell if Jack Ryder is dead or not!

Whatever the case, The Creeper begins forcing people to commit atrocities overnight so that Jack Ryder can report on them in the morning. I don't think that's the Creeper's main reason; he just likes arbitrary chaos. But that's what happens anyhow. And then one night, The Creeper gets tired of letting humans have all the fun and he flips the fuck out on San Francisco.

If I could make one wish, I wouldn't waste it on world peace. I'd wish that Ann Nocenti would never write another line of dialogue for the rest of my life. Yes, my life. When I die, she can get back to it.

Then Jack Ryder experiences the same sense of grief and loss and survivor's guilt that little Jakka Torrance felt way back in 16th Century Japan. Get it? They were both named Jack! Hee hee hee hee! THE CREEPER!

The Creeper #1 Rating: Fuck you! I'm not rating this piece of shit! We do all realize that this is our only life, right? Because I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. Why else would I spend so much of my finite awareness in this universe on Ann Nocenti's writing?! What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be punishing myself for some past sin that I can't quite remember. Or can remember but won't tell on a blog without first researching the statute of limitations on the punishment for that sin!

One non-Ann Nocenti thing that I did learn while reading this comic book is that it doesn't really matter which comic book the Villain has taken over because they're only tentatively linked to each other. So The Creeper is a magic creature so he gets to take over Justice League Dark. Even though it would have been better off if this were an issue of Katana. My guess is that DC actually wanted to sell some copies of The Creeper #1, so they didn't want to tie it to that crapfest Katana.

Superboy #20

Could this be the Superboy everybody has been waiting for?!

It's nice to see how much pull I finally have with DC's decision making. I wanted Tom DeFalco off of Superboy and he was replaced by Justin Jordan. Sure, there was an interim Scott Lobdell issue but I think he's their go to guy for fill-ins since he doesn't waste time researching characters or bothering with writing well, so he always makes deadlines. I wanted Scott Lobdell off of Red Hood and the Outlaws. I trashed his writing month after month! And finally he's been replaced by James Tynion IV! During Death of the Family, I mentioned how The Joker was like a drunk uncle at a family reunion who puts his dick in the potato salad and then Gail Simone had The Joker refer to Batgirl as "his little potato salad"! That was before Gail Simone (or her husband, I suspect!) was following me but I'm sure that was a sly wink to me! Midway through reading the first Larfleeze back-up story, I claimed I wanted a Larfleeze comic book. And now I'm getting a Larfleeze comic book!

Anybody want to see any changes? I'm taking requests! I can start flexing my blogger muscle and we'll get some shit done!

Wow, you guys may have thought I was an arrogant bastard before. Now check me out pumped full of imaginary power! I'm going to be a monster!

So I pick up Superboy and two panels into the comic, I'm laughing out loud.

Thank you, Justin Jordan. You're my new hero.

With one beautifully inserted "moist", Justin Jordan destroys the lazy, bullshit, boring, overdone, horrible opening that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco have been coasting on for nineteen issues. Maybe it hasn't been that many but it certainly has been too long. "My name is Superboy and I'm a clone created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E and designed to be a living weapon." I just typed that from memory and checking on the actual phrase, it looks like I almost nailed it. I missed the "an organization called" just before N.O.W.H.E.R.E. I hope I never have to see that phrase ever again.

A voice commands Krypto to heel and Krypto keels over. Then the person behind the blue fonted voice responds to Superboy's Narration Boxes (so I guess they're simply thought bubbles here) and punches Superboy in the head. Superboy's powers have been taken, so he's easily knocked unconscious. And then the title mentions H.I.V.E. Dr. Psycho from the previous issues was running from H.I.V.E. And now Superboy seems to have been picked up by their radar. And Superboy is suddenly hanging out with Krypto for some reason! This calls for a flashback!

Probably 24 hours earlier since that seems to be the favorite amount of time to flash back, Superboy was on the phone with his favorite date, Bunker, letting him know he was about to turn himself in for bank robbery.

I've been saying both of those were Superboy's problem for twenty issues now! His other problem was being written by Tott Dedell. But he doesn't have that excuse anymore!

Before Superboy can turn himself in, a small guy with with scars on the top of his bald head and a mask to cover his nose and mouth stops him. I think this is Doctor Psycho because who else is that short! He claims he knows Conner is Superboy and that he knows where Superboy came from. This gets Superboy mad and he telekinetically throws the Doctor into the street. It might save his life since somebody else suddenly throws a car directly into Superboy's face. That somebody else is a creature named Dreadnought. And he's somehow getting stronger while fighting Superboy. Doctor Psycho decides to astrally investigate.

Does this count as an Endless reference?!

While Superboy continues to trade punches with Dreadnought, Doctor Psycho decides to have a psychic battle with Psiphon.

That's cheating!

It seems Doctor Psycho knows better than to go psychic toe to psychic toe with Psiphon, so he pummels him with his fists. He may be a little guy but Psiphon's alien skin must be really soft and tender. He goes down pretty quickly and calls for Dreadnought to save him. Dreadnought is distracted by his little buddy's cry for help and Superboy knocks him into the bay. Then he knocks out Psiphon. Doctor Psycho convinces Superboy that H.I.V.E. wasn't just after him but after Superboy as well. I'm pretty sure that's a lie and Doctor Psycho is just using the current circumstances to enlist Superboy's help to save himself from H.I.V.E. Hell, Doctor Psycho might not even be interested in destroying H.I.V.E. This might be one of those situations where Doctor Psycho believes that if he gives H.I.V.E. a better prisoner for their psionic program, they'll let him go free.

When does Krypto come into this?

Well, Krypto doesn't show up by the final page. But Jocelyn Lure, Timecop, does! And all of her futuristic stuff in her lab is suddenly disappearing. It's like Back to the Future! Somebody must have gone to prom with their mother and fucked up all time! I bet it was Jesus.

Superboy #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now, this actually wasn't my favorite comic book. It would normally get a No Change rating since it was mostly a big fight with a few slight reveals. But it's doing something Superboy has had trouble doing for the last 19 issues and that's continuing to tell the story that was being told in previous issues! Plus it wasn't written by Tott Dedell, so that's a huge relief. And Justin Jordan destroyed that God-Awful My Name is Superman opening! Rest in peace, motherfucker!

Green Lantern Corps #18

John Stewart, Indigo Lantern Sniper. 50 calibers of compassion.

Last issue of Green Lantern Corps, Volthoom fucked with Guy Gardner. Now it's John's turn to see how his past might have been if a sociopath were directing history and making John's decisions for him.

I guess John is always going to be a supporting character since Volthoom is screwing with Fatality in this issue as well.

The multiple Lantern Corps have faced several crises so far in the Reboot. I'm pretty sure every crisis began because of the Lantern Corps. Invictus was destroying planets due to Larfleeze's past actions. Other planets were being destroyed by the Keepers of the Power Batteries because their source of power had been taken away when the Guardians decided to stop storing batteries on the Keepers' homeworld. Sinestro and Hal waged a battle against the Yellow Corps enslaving his homeworld. The Guardians of the Universe created the Third Army to kill everything. Guy and John battled for their lives against the Alpha Corps. Black Hand of the Black Lantern Corps returned to cause trouble. Volthoom is the First Lantern and the source of the Guardians' power, and now he's going to remake the universe. I'm getting the feeling that the universe would be much safer without this fucking police force. Nobody wants you coming in to their neighborhoods, you assholes!

Volthoom begins by telling John Stewart he was a coward for not saving his mother when she was assassinated while running for political office. Volthoom is a dick that trades in regrets and could-have-beens. He can't change the universe so he's going to remind everyone that their life could have been worse. Is that how the Green Lanterns are going to defeat him? By rising up and saying, "But it wasn't that way! We persevered! Against all odds, we became heroes! And even if we occasionally fucked up and killed an innocent person, we pretended it never happened and we marched on! So stop making us feel bad, you stupid meany head!" Anyway, that's my prediction for the end of this Cosmic Event.

Speaking of Cosmic Events (actually, Cosmic Odysseys), Volthoom reminds John Stewart about that time he thought he could save a planet from being blown up but discovered the bomb was yellow. Volthoom doesn't change this event because Volthoom just wants to leave events that hurt John the way they were and change events to things that make John feel badly for not being able to change them himself. This might be why Volthoom is visiting Fatality as well since this screw up by Stewart affected her pretty significantly. You know, being that it was her homeworld and all.

Volthoom gives John a new reality where he shoots himself in the head and he gives Fatality a new reality where she kills John. Volthoom! If you want your realities to stick, you're going to have to stop creating paradoxes, you jerk.

I guess Volthoom is just vamping at this point because he finally decides on this being a more romantic end:

For a villain based on emotion, Volthoom hasn't convinced me to emotionally invest in this story.

Volthoom continues to show John Stewart that maybe his tough choices weren't always the choice that needed to be made. But he does it in a sloppy fashion that shouldn't convince anyone. When Stewart killed Mogo to save millions of lives, Volthoom shows him a future where Kyle stopped John and saved everybody without killing Mogo. Except he doesn't show John how Kyle did it. He just shows a happy ending. Oh look! Everyone is okay! No thanks to you! And then he reminds John about the time he killed Kirrt to keep the Keepers from gaining the Oan Power Battery. But Volthoom shows another possible reality where John gives in and Kirrt kills him. What the fuck is that supposed to prove?! That John made the right decision because Kirrt would have done the same thing in that situation?

The most succinct thing he says is that John would have been better off killing himself after he failed to save Xanshi because death has always followed on Stewart's heels. Of course, the opposite could be true too when you're dealing with whatever possible reality you want to show somebody! Maybe John simply was the only person to make the tough choices and he was always the only person to be in the wrong place at the right time to make those decisions. If John had killed himself, maybe even more people would have died, right? I think when Ostrander long ago put the words "John Stewart's mill" on paper, John's path was set in motion. He would always be the one to take actions that would do the most good for the most people, no matter how horrible those actions were.

After Volthoom is done with the false history lesson, he fucks the shit out of both of them.

That's a lot of rainbow jizz.

Green Lantern Corps #18 Rating: No change. I hadn't really thought much about how my Green Lantern Masturbation Theory has been mostly useless during this new catastrophe. Until this final scene in this issue. Volthoom does indeed represent rape. Here it seems a little bit too explicit but what he's doing is raping the psyches and histories of all of these unwilling Green Lanterns. He is forcing his way into their minds and trying to change their core being. And just like rape, this is all about gaining power. Volthoom is literally (I think this is one of the few actual times this word needs to be used!) powering up by the emotional terror he's causing his victims. While I haven't been too interested in this story, I think it just became supremely creepy in this context and my interest is piqued. This might be a truly grotesque horror story. I think I have to reread these issues now!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1

Will the Guardians learn to stop worrying and love themselves?

I thought it was odd that the Rise of the Third Army was ending in the Green Lantern Corps Annual so I dug out a Zero Issue from each week in September until I stumbled upon the advert for the Crossover in The Phantom Stranger. This ad claims the crossover takes place in New Guardians #13-16, Green Lantern #13-16, Green Lantern Corps #13-16, and Red Lanterns #13-16. I guess somewhere along the way, DC decided to not end the crossover in the pages of Red Lanterns, so Red Lanterns #16 doesn't have the Third Army banner on the cover. Although the cover shows Atrocitus with his army of Manhunters which was part of the Third Army story. Perhaps that will just carry over to the First Lantern Crossover that will be happening next (if that's a crossover!). But now I have to pay an extra two dollars for the final issue of Rise of the Third Lanterns? What if I was budgeting my comic books according to your advert, DC? I'd have to go without learning how it all ends! This is almost as bad as the time DC put out the advert that Mr. Freeze was going to make his debut in the Batman Annual and then Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws trumped Batman's Annual! That was so disappointing.

The only thing anybody actually learned from that last paragraph is that I spend too much time thinking about DC's advertising.

The Rise of the Third Army's conclusion begins with Guy, Simon, and B'dg hanging out on the moon wondering what their next move is going to be. How are they going to know about Hal and Sinestro's plan to stick Indigo rings on the insane Guardians? You know what? I don't even like that plan. That plan leaves the Guardians alive to pull this kind of shit again in another billion years. I think it's about time to just shove them all into the anti-matter universe leaving the Green Lantern Corps as a worker owned company. Down with the little blue man! Up with masturbation!

The plan they come up with is simple: Guy Gardner heads back to Oa, finds Kilowog, gets his ring back, warns the Corps, and saves the day. Unless he doesn't save the day. That's where the other part of the plan comes in: Baz and B'dg find Hal Jordan so that Hal Jordan can head back to Oa, find Kilowog, get his ring back, warn the Corps, and save the day! Gardner gets a space suit from B'dg's ring and heads to Oa. B'dg and Baz open the Book of the Black and are sucked inside and transported elsewhere.

I forgot about the Black Lantern Corps in the Masturbation Mythos! But with a guy name Black Hand leading that group, seems like it might represent the negative side of too much masturbation (is that a thing?).

Gardner makes it to Oa and teams up with Kilowog and some other Lanterns I don't recognize. Most of the Corps have been trapped in a stasis field created by the Guardians. If they can't move, they can't touch themselves inappropriately. The Guardians believe that they've taken care of all but one of the human Green Lanterns so they turn their attention to finishing off John Stewart. They send their army to kill him and assimilate Mogo. I have no idea how they intend to have their Borg Lanterns assimilate a planet. Or why they'd even want to. Do planets masturbate? Is that what earthquakes and volcanoes are? Eww. Was Mount St Helens just a gigantic bukake across the faces of everyone in the Northwest? Was Krakatoa a worldwide facial? This planet is disgusting.

Mogo lives again and destroys the approaching Third Army with his ejaculate. Or her ejaculate.

For ancient, immortal geniuses, the Guardians are pretty stupid. Or perhaps they're just arrogant. Every single one of their plans has failed so far and yet they continue on as if each step has been completely successful. I guess I wouldn't be too worried that the narcissistic Hal Jordan or the overconfident Guy Gardner or the self-doubting John Stewart or the Cartoonist Kyle Rayner could stop any of my plans either. I might worry about Sinestro though. I certainly wouldn't worry about the rest of the Green Lantern Corps since they just provide funny looking physiques to fill in the backgrounds in the crowd scenes.

Yeah, you fucking pervs.

More lectures from these jerks? Thankfully Guy interrupts. He distracts the Guardians long enough for Kilowog and the others to free the entire Corps from the Guardians' grasp. And then the war for Oa begins as the Borg Lanterns descend on the planet. The war lasts for about three seconds and then Kyle and the other New Guardians (minus one Red Lantern) arrive to begin disintegrating Borg Lanterns. Guy gets his ring back and everyone begins using Atrocitus's plan to blast the Borg Lanterns in their eyes. Did Atrocitus send that message out? Maybe in Red Lanterns #16 which I haven't read yet and doesn't say it's part of the Third Army. But it must be because here comes Atrocitus's army!

It's nice to see all of the Guardians' armies playing nicely.

The Borg Lanterns begin losing power and the Manhunters, New Guardians, and Green Lantern Corps begin closing in on the Guardians. Ganthet's last gambit is to draw more power from the First Lantern, Volthoom. In doing so, Volthoom escapes his prison and, well, um...I don't know. Everything just goes white.

It's a good thing I don't rank Annuals because this is a bullshit ending to the Rise of the Third Army. No, no. It's not an ending at all! It's just another goddamn Geoff Johns crossover that never fucking ends! It just changes it's name!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1 Rating: It may have been written by Peter J. Tomasi but this thing has Geoff Johns' stink all over it!