Superman #25

Is this cover blurb, "My enemy, my father," supposed to be shocking? Isn't this the case in everyone's life?

Before reading this, I got a notion to search the Scott Lobdell tag on Tumblr. And after reading a bunch of that stuff, I'd like to clarify something: I do not dislike Scott Lobdell's writing because of how he changed the characters. I don't care how much he changed any of them because The New 52 was supposed to be a Reboot. Shit changes. Whatever. They're definitely not the same characters people loved before the Reboot, but that's kind of the whole point of a Reboot, right? The reason I dislike Scott Lobdell's writing is because it's awful. Even if he was trying his best to write the same characters everybody loved, he'd fail because he has no idea what he's doing. To him, a character's history doesn't fucking matter because all plots derive from future events and time travel. Characters have no motivations built on their history and their experience because they simply react to some future entity coming out of nowhere to fuck with them. Or they have to stop somebody from going into the past and making the world into a dystopian nightmare where heroes are hated and hunted down by gigantic purple and pink robots called Sentimentals.

I just wanted to make that clear so nobody thinks I'm criticizing Scott Lobdell from a place of fan outrage. I never fucking liked Tim Drake anyway. I barely read any Superman comic books (at least not for Superman! I collected DC Presents for the guest stars!). And I've always thought Speedy was a jerk. Although now he's annoying and obnoxious as well. If Scott Lobdell were writing these characters well, I wouldn't be complaining. He might even win over some people who still wouldn't like that Jason Todd's character has changed so much, but are genuinely intrigued by the good writing and new circumstances surrounding the character. But that isn't happening because everything Scott Lobdell touches is actually pretty fucking horrible. I suppose if you're a thirteen year old boy who just wants to see lots of brain-dead action, he might be writing some fantastic books. At thirteen, I would not have been enjoying them but I'm sure some kids do.

Lastly, I actually hope, every single issue by Lobdell, that he writes something wonderful and intriguing. I'm on his side because I want to read good stories! It's just after two years with maybe only four or five well-written scenes under his belt, hope is kind of dead. Just like Superboy is about to be!

But Superboy and Supergirl and Superman are just trying to kill the planet too! So they should all just team up to get the job done!

As if there wasn't enough time travel nonsense happening what with The Super Family spread out across the past and H'el suddenly able to travel through time at will, Future Jor-el shows up from a future Krypton that survived. I guess he's come back to save the planet which he must do because, well, he's here! But Superman has to make sure the planet is destroyed which he must do because Oracle says it has to happen or the universe...excuse me...the Omniverse will perish. I guess this is why father and son are enemies on the cover! I mean, I know that's why their enemies. It was fucking obvious even to an Initiate Comic Book Reader like myself that that was what the cover was hinting at.

Can bashing readers over the head with the obvious be considered "hinting?"

Oh but wait! This is why I'm only an Initiate: they aren't enemies at all! Unless Superman, knowing full well that saving the planet will mean the planet's destruction with everything else, decides Krypton should be saved! No, no. Even Lobdell wouldn't write that story and make Superman look like a huge, selfish douchebag.

Back in the past, H'el turns into confetti in front of Superboy and Supergirl (in two different times!) and disappears from comic books forever!

Ha ha, no, no. He'll be back! In some other future crisis time travel caper! Just you wait and see! Maybe he'll join up with Harvest and they'll go on a Time Travel Buddy Road Trip. That would be a great series!

Actually, he comes back much sooner. For some reason, I was really, really hoping that this comic book was over early and the rest of the pages were just advertisements. H'el now appears in Kal-el's time because, as his father the Omnigenius determined, this is the exact place and time that H'el must always be no matter which time line they are in! Holy shit, he's just the most amazing Chronomathmatecian ever!

Oh Superman. Stop being so righteous! Stop being so...you! At least Scott Lobdell nailed Superman's Holier-than-thou-ness!

Superman declares there is always another way because he's read The Lord of the Rings and he knows that you can't kill the pathetic loser because you think the pathetic loser should be killed! You have to let him live because of some bullshit mumbo jumbo about not being able to bring back those that deserve to live or some such wizardly nonsense. But Superman knows that if he lets H'el live, H'el will be the one to dance around and fall into the lava at the heart of Krypton, thus ensuring its demise!

Superman's next line is, "What kind of universe is worth saving if it's saved through murder?" Really, asshole? You'd rather let everybody in existence die to save this one assH'el? I think General Lane was right! You are a murderer just by lack of action! What a superdick.

Except I'm sure it will all work out and you're making the right decision, Clark. I trust you and your goody two-shoes heart!

You mean Kryptonian.

Hey! Where are those weird little jelly creatures that nearly killed Jor-el the last time he was sent into the middle of Krypton back in Superman #0?! I'd guess that they were what eventually becomes H'el but they attacked younger Jor-el earlier that day while H'el wasn't yet deconstructed. But H'el can time travel, so maybe his deconstituted bits can time travel too!

When Superboy comes out of hiding to tell Alura that she needs to say goodbye to her daughter, I realize how Krypton Returns was probably supposed to happen much earlier with the H'el on Earth story. I bet instead of sending just H'el back in time, all the Supers were supposed to go back. But editorial probably said the Supers couldn't be involved in a time travel story just yet, so you'll have to delay the second half of the story and have Oracle make the stupidest entrance and quickest exit ever by having nothing to fucking do in the "H'el on Earth" story arc. But Scott Lobdell is definitely an Editor's best friend and I'd have to say if that was the plan, he actually did a decent job not having to throw the last half of his story out (which was already foreshadowed in the Zero Issues anyway) and getting his stupid Krypton Returns story back on track. Not that I like the story any. I just think he's probably the master of working with editors because he barely cares if his stories are coherent. So he never has to waste a story idea if it doesn't fit in with any other books because he'll just wedge it in somewhere else later.

So then Superboy helps to throw Argo City into space because, of course, Zor-el fucked up his calculations because he's a shitty scientist and in no way the equal of Jor-el. After Superboy saves all those people (at least until they die in space because, once again, Zor-el isn't really very good at the sciencing), he loses his powers and dies exactly as he lived:

In a Lobdelled Splash Page.

Anyway, we already knew you weren't a living weapon! You were a storage space for Jon-el's spare parts!

Superman beats H'el into Chronal Strips and then freezes him in some kind of perpetual time loop that will keep Krypton from being destroyed. Or saved. Or something. So those things in the core probably were H'el! Somehow. And Superman and Supergirl head back to the present without Superboy. They look around and go, "Oh shit. Well, he helped. Good job, deadie." Then they go back to Earth. But then Krypton returns for an instant! Or not an instant! Or an instant and then not an instant and then another instant and then not or whatever. The end!

Superman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as good as it possibly could be for being a stupid piece of shit. How about Superman refusing to kill H'el to save the same universe that he risks to keep Krypton alive! That's a pretty major risk to take on a stupid theory you just thought up while beating H'el in the face! "Oh, if I can keep him here in some way that I don't really understand but if I say 'Chronal strands' and 'perpetual loop' it all kind of makes sense and I bet it will keep the Time Tsunamis from destroying the world!" spits Superman right in the dying face of his father from a future that never happens because H'el never made it past this point in time to drop some dandruff on the steps of the Capitol building for Jor-el to analyze and figure out everything he needed to figure out to find this point in time! I'm mostly impressed by the fact that this story was probably supposed to take place well before a year after H'el on Earth but it still managed to happen more or less intact. And it probably worked better occurring after H'el #1 from Villains Month. I just hope Scott Lobdell is done with fucking poorly thought out time travel stories now. Please. Please. Build up some stories using the character's motivations instead of interference from future or omniscient sources that stop by and say, "Hey! Dude! You need to do this or Omnithing dies." Fuck, even the Psi-Wars began that way with Orion getting the prophecy from Highfather.

Supergirl #25

The crossover sucks but the cover is fucking brilliant. I mean, the four covers together.

I had to pull out my Superman #25 issue and scan it early so I could put them all together. Here's the finished product:

The top two covers don't line up as well as they should because I scanned them weeks ago and I'm not obsessive about making every cover the exact same pixel size.

Where were we? Fuck if I know! Everybody went back to different times to work on different projects. Supergirl finished hers early which meant she has to do some extra work with H'el.

The issue begins with a gigantic, omnipotent cosmic buttplug named Oracle observing the end of the universe that he knows isn't coming and never does come and never has come and doesn't come never. Hey, he's omnipotent! What the fuck does he have to worry about?

Oracle has made a new friend since last he appeared. His name is the Cobalt Bodysurfer and he says things that come off really stupid when spoken to an omnipotent being. He says, "You've placed a lot of hope on the shoulders of the Kryptonians." Can it really be considered hope when you know Greyhound #3, I've Got Lice, is going to win the race and you place your life savings on the outcome? I'm fairly certain "hope" is the wrong word. He says other stupid shit like this:

Even the Cobalt Bodysurfer knows how this is going to turn out! Why don't they just break for lunch since they know how it's all going to end.

Have I mentioned before how I love time travel stories but fucking despise poorly written and horribly conceived time travel stories? Yeah? I have? Well, it bears repeating! If only I could set it up in an infinite time loop so that it is heard over and over and over again for all eternity although it's only said the one time.

Hundreds of years before Krypton explodes, Supergirl and H'el have a bit of a lover's quarrel. He's hurt because she rammed a shard of Kryptonite into his chest and dumped his ass. She's upset that he would use that against her when all she really tried to do was love his beautifully shaved upper pubic region. But he can't get past it so she has to break his nose before he jams the Kryptonite into her chest.

I think since she already completed her mission, Supergirl can just die now. Since it just changes times and sets things on a different path so that Supergirl never has to come back to Krypton again. I mean, according to the laws of Time Travel in Scott Lobdell's story. Laws that suck festering dick cheese.

Over in the future in Kryptonopolis, Superman watches his mother tell his father that they're going to have a baby. This causes me to reread Superman #0 which I don't recommend anybody do even though it's a companion piece to this story. It's actually the reason this story exists. I'm fairly certain Scott Lobdell wrote Superman #0 with Clark narrating things he couldn't know. So then an editor pointed out how ridiculous it sounded and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! You haven't read the last page!" And he quickly scripted the final page with Superman thinking, "How do I know all of this? Because I was there!" And then Lobdell spent a year figuring out how to get Krypton back so that the end of Superman #0 would make sense. Which is why we had H'el on Earth and Krypton Returns! So I have to say, Superman #0 has truly spawned more horrible comic books than any other comic book ever.

I know, I know. I'm completely wrong about that because Marvel has had some real doozies in their time!

Anyway, Superman thinks about how he wants to save Krypton somehow even at the expense of the Omniverse when a mysterious figure shows up and he says, "You--?! But--how?!" I bet it's Batman!

Meanwhile in Superboy's Mission, the giant green flaming penis named Eradicator is back on his feet and trying to kill Superboy.

"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!"

Superboy winds up kicking The Eradicator through the time portal and into the future. But not just the future! He also kicks him all the way to Smallville, Kansas, United States, Earth, Sol, Milky Way! That was quite the kick!

H'el arrives to stop Superboy but then he breaks down because he's in two timelines at the same time, attacking Supergirl and Super...oh fuck it. This is dumb. Even for a fantastic science fiction story, it makes no sense! When did H'el get the power to travel through time? From H'el #1, it's apparent that H'el can change history over and over again but only from the point he appears in Krypton's past after being Kebab'd with Kryptonite by Supergirl. He isn't personally capable of jumping about time. So he shouldn't be able to appear to Supergirl hundreds of years in the past because he only exists on Krypton from Jor-el's youth to, well, whenever Krytpon explodes. But since he always sends his cells out into space to be born again, he returns and returns and returns. But he doesn't fucking time travel. And now two timelines converging? What the fuck is that about? Why would it fuck him up? Is this some Marty McFly's siblings disappearing from a photograph bullshit? I have a feeling Scott Lobdell's complete knowledge of time travel is from the Back to the Future films.

Anyway, somehow Supergirl and Superboy figure out that H'el is fighting in two timelines because that's the first fucking conclusion I would jump to when I see a gash open in someone's chest and they mutter, "Two...timelines...converging." Oh! I get it! That fucker is in two timelines! Let's kick his ass!

Also, Supergirl has become leader of the clones because she defeated their leader. Hey, that's just the way that primitive shit works!

Supergirl #25 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sorry to have to drop Supergirl's rankings for a shitty fucking piece of shit shitty shit shit shitpile of a shitstorm crossover, but I can't with good conscience not drop this fuckery down a few ranks. I wonder if pouring Cough Medicine in my eyes will make me feel better?

Superboy #25

You beware the Eradicator!

I wish I were eight years old and writing these commentaries. They'd be so much more entertaining. I wonder where I can hire an eight year old to take over? Anybody have a son or daughter that you wouldn't mind exposing DC Comics to? Also, they'd have to work with me so they'd have to have an extensive knowledge of curse words and know a bunch of synonyms for poop.

The last issue of Superboy, Superboy and Krypto were imprisoned by Psycho Pirate. Superboy had lost his powers. I don't know if Krypto had. But forget that story. That story doesn't exist anymore. That story will probably never continue. I can see no possible future event that will cause that story to continue since Superboy wound up flip-flopping through time until he was spit out in the Action Comics Annual to be a part of Krypton Returns! And that is the story that this issue follows. Not the Psycho Pirate story! Remember, you're supposed to forget that story!

For a company that seems to try to keep tight reigns on continuity, DC, deep down, doesn't actually give any fucks.

So, returning to the shittiest Superman story ever created (Return to Krypton Returns Again), Superboy was last left with the task of getting Past Supergirl into a rocket headed toward Earth before Krypton explodes. The difficulty is that she'll probably punch him in the face before every conversation. But she's young and boy crazy, so he should be able to lure her into a dark, confined space fairly easily.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell or Justin Jordan is responsible for the Narration Boxes but I'm taking them at face value: whoever wrote it really isn't clear on any of this story.

Kara and Kon are immediately set upon by The Eradickator, a deus ex plot device to keep Supergirl from going to Earth. Which will keep H'el from being stabbed by Kryptonite which will make it so he never comes back in time to Krypton's past which would ruin all of his plans completely. Wait. What? I think that's the opposite of what he wants. I guess H'el figured out a way to set up the time stream so that he is successful with his initial H'el on Earth plan while setting up all the other events that will make Krypton return in the correct and proper format for his supreme transcendence.

I don't know what I'm talking about. But I already gave up trying to make sense of Ann Nocenti's Katana. Can I allow myself to give up trying to make sense of anything Scott Lobdell interferes with as well?

So, The Eradickator. He appears and gives us his amazingly awesome origin as part of his introduction:

Really? Is that who you are? Because you just look like a great big flaming green cock with arms and legs.

The Eradickator is awfully proactive for being the living embodiment of entropy. I would expect to find him sitting on a couch covered in cheese puff powder and empty Mountain Dew cans. If he's the entropy across the entire universe, why is Krypton so special to him? He's playing favorites, isn't he? Shouldn't he love all of his gradually decaying planets equally?

He really is quite veiny, isn't he?

Superboy engages with The Eradickator while remembering the past events and comic books that led up to this. He conveniently forgets what was happening at the end of Superboy #24 though because that doesn't fit in with any of the other various titles he's appeared in (and, I think, he's guest starred in all of The New 52!).

While Superboy tries to get his giant dick under control, Supergirl has appeared in the past to wipe out the Clone Rebellion. From her initial observation, she declares that the clones are even more savage than historical records had indicated. So that means they must have served tea and biscuits to unwanted intruders because these Clones don't immediately kill her. In fact, they tell her several times the interesting ways that she's going to die and yet still don't try to kill her. I don't think they actually want to engage in violence. Perhaps their language has evolved to use only the phrases they've heard snarled at them by the authorities of Krypton? So when they say, "Have guts. See them on ground. Kneel and die," what they really mean is, "Welcome to our humble abode. Please, have a seat." And when they say, "I cut pretty throat now," they actually mean, "Would you care for a cool beverage?"

A fight erupts between Supergirl and the Clones because she's an ungrateful guest although it's not really any more aggressive than a handshake. Perhaps this is the way Clones size each other up and earn each other's respect. Instead of testing out the firmness of the other person's handshake in a judgmental display of passive superiority, they punch each other in the jaw and see who knocks out the most teeth. All of this fighting leads Kara to remember the days when she trained under Superman's mother, for some reason. I guess she learned an important lesson in manners that day.

This must be the lesson that taught Supergirl to punch people in the face when she first meets them. Which is why she remembered it now that she's punching her new friends, The Clone Army, in their faces!

Meanwhile in another place and time, Superman is busy beating the shit out of his mother because he has to. Oracle said so!

He also calls her an ass.

After Superman is laid out by his mother's kick, he tells her he's a friend. Then the Superman Sigil appears on his chest and she decides not to kick him in the face anymore. She says he'll get to meet Jor-el later so they can figure out what is going on. Then Superman will get to say, "Surprise! Baby's back! And I'm here to make sure you die!"

Back to Superboy fighting The Eradicator, Superboy is concerned that his power reserves are running out under the Red Sun (just as they've all been because they have to remind the readers that they'll eventually lose their powers so there is more tension. Although if it takes such a long time for them to lose their powers under the red sun simply because their reserve of yellow sun energy is running out, why is Superman always so adversely affected by Red Sun energy like when battling the, ugh, Sunturians? Shouldn't it just be a non-issue? I'm confused. Is Red Sunlight harmful to Kryptonians or is it simply the absence of Yellow Sunlight that is the problem?). But do Superboy's powers actually derive from the Yellow Sun? I thought he was different somehow since his powers are so different. Shouldn't he maintain his tactile telekinesis since that was developed in the lab somehow or derived from Alternate Future Lois Lane's latent abilities? I think The New 52 has some 'splaining to do.

Well, Superboy explains some of it. But the fact still remains: Why the fuck was he even concerned about the Red Sun in the first place?!

Superboy "eradicat"s The Eradicator (because that was what he was thinking too! That he would eradicat!) and taps into Argo City, realizing that the city itself is going to detach from the planet soon. Maybe. That might be what he realized. I'm guessing at that.

Back to Supergirl's dinner party, it's been a feral success! But there's a latecomer to the party and he's brought a gift!

I still hate the stupid fucking backwards "S" on his chest. Get your own gimmick, assH'el.

Superboy #25 Rating: No change. I have nothing more to say about Krypton Returns so let me say this instead: I woke up with my epitaph ringing in my head. This shall be on my tombstone, if I can afford one after I die a pauper:

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.

H'el #1

I know the villain name on the cover is usually in a sloppy or scratchy or wicked font but this just looks like a three year old learning to write his letters and using Microsoft Paint.

What editor decided to give the go ahead on H'el having the backwards "S" on his chest? That's Bizarro's thing, you stupid sons of bitches. It's just fucking confusing! Oh, but you know what's even more confusing? When you have an "S" on his chest for some issues and then some issues he doesn't have an "S" on his chest and sometimes it's backwards and sometimes it's bleeding and just mostly it's never been consistent.

And who thought up the name? Was it Scott Lobdell thinking he was clever? Because it's not. It's stupid in the way that alien names that mean something in an Earth language (usually Latin) reveal something about their character. So he gets to be called Hell! Except it's H'el because of the House of El! Except they all use dashes in their name whereas I've never seen a Kryptonian name with an apostrophe. Granted I'm not exactly a scholar on the culture of Krypton. Never really been a big fan.

But let's talk about H'el's biggest problem: his power levels. Scott Lobdell has no imagination so every crisis that befalls his protagonists is usually one that will either destroy the Earth, or destroy the solar system, or destroy the galaxy, or destroy the universe, or just simply destroy omnithing! One bright spot is that he gave H'el a motive and a reason for being on Earth. But since he was going up against Superman, Lobdell just made him crazy powerful with any super power H'el needed to beat whatever he was facing. Lobdell can't write to the character; he's simply writing to the characters ability to throw and take a punch.

And what the fuck was up with Oracle? Holy shit, that was one of Lobdell's foggy ideas he never could figure out a good reason for, so he kept teasing the fucker until he appeared, did nothing, and left.

Boy oh boy! I'm getting so excited to read this book now! Shall we guess at the first page? Do I even need to say it anymore? Is it possible he's changed up his ability to write a script for a Villains Month one shot? Or am I going to learn who the main character is on yet another boring first page in a long, Lobdellian history of boring first pages?

Before I open the comic book though, I was wondering: who came up with that static first page design with the Narration Box introducing the character? Was it a standard thing back at Marvel in the nineties? Because I think I first noticed Tom DeFalco doing it. And then Scott Lobdell. It was the main evidence for my theory that they're the same person and why they became Tott Dedell in my world. Okay, on with probably the best comic book of Villains Month: H'EL!

Can't prove me wrong just one time, hunh, Scott?

I haven't even read more than the first Narration Box on this page yet. It's too bad Scott Lobdell cancelled his appearance at the Rose City Comicon this weekend! I could have asked him why he's such an unimaginative twat! He probably would have just showed me his bank account statement and said, "Fuck off, loser." And then I would have yelled, "Fuck me? FUCK YOU!" Hopefully I wouldn't have tripped over any little kids as I ran off crying.

Let me begin with a positive note before I turn into a raving lunatic: I do like that H'el's narration boxes are identified by "H'el" in Kryptonianese. That's a nice touch. I guess.

Yet again, let me interrupt myself before I even start. I hope that H'el exists in a loop of time and was never actually created! See, he goes back in time to Krypton at the end of the H'el on Earth story. Then he's caught in a cavern collapse or something. Many years later, Jor-el digs him out, heals him, fixes him up and sends him into space to save Krypton. Which he fails to do, resulting in his appearance on Krypton in the past. He'd be just like the compass in Lost!

This first page lets us in on part of the reason he's called H'el: he's been designated as Patient H. Probably because he's the seventh mystery person admitted to the hospital. I mean eighth! Unless "H" is the first letter of the Kryptonian Alphabet. Maybe "Patient H" is just the Kryptonian "John Doe" just as "winged stratadarm" is the Kryptonian elephant. Umm, with wings!

Why is Kara ramming a massive, green, veiny dildo into H'el's chest? Kinky!

Luckly H'el is able to narrate the story from his coma in the middle of the laboratory or the readers couldn't be brought up to speed on the terrifically amazing story that was H'el on Earth (by the way, this story is called "To H'el and Back." Lobdell is just so terribly clever!).

Jor-el and Orla ponder why H'el is filled to the brim with delicious radiation. Jor-el can draw only one conclusion! Patient H has been among the stars! Like an elf! But now he's back on Krypton. Like a Kryptonian! Which I guess he is. They're talking about him like he's a Kryptonian male, only one that resists growing tumors when flooded with radioactive energy and stabbed in the chest with a Kryptonite Dildo.

Sheesh. Supergirl and her dildos! Get a room!

Meanwhile H'el observes as a disembodied spirit.

I think H'el is mixing his metaphors. Blinding suns don't cast shadows. They can be the cause of shadows. In which case, Jor-el's brilliance should be some mighty oak casting its shadow across the intellect of the other scientists. Or if H'el wants to stick with Jor-el being the sun for the pun on brilliance, Jor-el should just simply be burning out the retinas of all the other scientists with his brilliance.

I'm not even going to discuss the "magic" of science comment because who can interpret that bullshit when he puts magic in quotation marks? Does he mean the apparent magic of science which is just, you know science? Or is he making some other loopy comment that I shouldn't even try to comprehend?

Jor-el is brought before the Scientific Peer Review of Old White Men Who Have to Muddle with Everything to explain his conclusions about H'el. And since he's a scientist, he avoids wild speculation based on only the smallest of evidence.

Well, he mostly avoids it!

So Jor-el comes up with a crazy theory and declares it must be the correct one. Of course, it is the correct one and we as readers (and H'el who lived through it) know it's correct. But it's nonsense that that should be his guess! That that's the only conceivable way that a piece of Kryptonite could have been taken from the core of the planet. Time travel! He doesn't even consider that the Kryptonite could have come from another planet in the universe that's nearly identical to Krypton (or whatever is needed to produce fucking Kryptonite). I'm guessing they don't have the Occam's Razor philosophy out in the backwaters of omniverse.

I don't know how young Jor-el is here but he's being treated much the same way Wesley Crusher was treated because his mother was the ship's doctor. He was tolerated and people were amused by him and he was given grudging respect for his intelligence. Which makes me think Scott Lobdell has been watching a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation lately on Netflix.

For some reason, a military man name Zev-ekar accuses Jor-el of treason with his words. What am I saying, "some reason?" If people like Zev-ekar sense an enemy (and politicians and military men are really good at sensing enemies around every corner), they use the wildest hyperbole they can to bring down the other person. Fuck logic and rational thinking. Kill kill kill!

Calm down, man! He said H'el's from the future! Not the immediate future. You do realize that there's a shit-ton of future in the future, right? He could be from anytime!

Ghost H'el Narration Boxes with incredible bravado about all the crap he can do to the Kryptonians standing in Jor-el's way if he really wanted to. But he decides he should be careful here in the past so he doesn't alter the future.

Oh, fuck you, Scott LobdH'el! H'el whole mission was to change the fucking past and keep Krypton from exploding! How much more future altering can you get than that? It's like he's not even the same person anymore!

As Jor-el leaves the Science Council, he runs into Zod. I think it's Zod. He seems much older than Jor-el even though he Jor-el seemed to be a few years older than Zod back in Zod's comic book. But more importantly, H'el thinks, "I do not know much about this man. Besides that, I do not think much of him at all." Thanks for the informative Narration Boxes, H'el! I feel like I understand Zod so much better now.

Jor-el gives Zod a tour of his laboratory where he's already made all of the important discoveries he'll ever make in his lifetime. And now that he knows, from H'el, that Krypton is going to explode, he's pretty much reached the pinnacle of his development. Now he just needs to find a woman willing to have his superbaby.

One of his experiments is to send a ship all around the galaxy and through different kinds of radiation to test how it affects Kryptonian cells. He's going to call it a Time Capsule and explain that it will return to Krypton one day to be opened. But in reality, it will have sent Kryptonian cells across the galaxy sucking up radiation. So that's where H'el was and how H'el has every power in the book, I guess. Because he sucked down every type of radiation that exists. Which means Superman doesn't just need Kryptonite to get strange powers and ant-heads! He can just fly too close to a Blue Dwarf!

H'el recognizes the time capsule ship as his own ship and has a spontaneous burst of sudden onset memory retrieval.

H'el awakens from his coma in his anger that something was a lie. After he crashed to Earth, he lied to himself like the guy from Memento to give himself purpose. Then he scratched that stupid "S" into his chest and decided Jor-el had sent him to save Krypton. Now he's trying to get to the time capsule ship to start it all over again. Just like Memento!

H'el burns Zod to a crisp and breaks Jor-el's neck as he escapes to the time capsule. Which means...um. Shit. No Superman? Is that what that means? Way to go, dildo! You just got Scott Lobdell's Superman cancelled by killing Jor-el! You're a genius! Three cheers for H'el!

H'el! H'el! H'el yeah! H'el! H'el! H'el yeah! H'el! H'el! H'el yeah!

H'el sends his cells into space to be born filled with lots of radiation to ensure his future self can return to Krypton to send his cells into space to be born!

H'el #1 Rating: Fuck me roughly with a teeter-totter, I actually think H'el's existence and explanation for his super duper super powers kind of works. I'm not a fan with these time travel and alternate reality shenanigans though. Oh no! Jor-el has been killed! How is it all going to be restored to the regular timeline? Realistically, who cares? My favorite theory of time travel is that there are no paradoxes. If you go back in time, you just move over to a new timeline. So you can do whatever the fuck you please. Kill your grandfather. No big deal because you aren't from that timeline. You've just prevented a version of you from being born but it isn't, ultimately, you. So now that H'el has gone back in time, he could be on Earth 53 for all I are. Kill Jor-el! Rule Krypton! Fuck Zod's charcoal corpse! Have at it! It's just if Lobdell can't make a cosmic destruction story, he'll make a time travel paradox story. I'm not sure he has any subtlety in his bag of tricks at all.

Don't get me wrong! Just because I actually think H'el is a much better character after the reveal in this book, the way the story was told was still atrocious! That fucking ghost H'el walking around narrating everything was just lazy bullshit. But I suppose it would have taken too much thought to produce the same basic plot without H'el being omniscient.

Superman #17

Hooray! Three cheers for the conclusion of H'el on Earth!

The only problem with H'el on Earth ending is that Scott Lobdell will be starting a new story directly after it!

I hope this Oracle character is super interesting and makes the whole thing worth it. I can't wait to hear what sage wisdom and sugary advice it gives our heroes! Let's dive right in, shall we?

Scott Lobdell begins with an omniscient narrator instead of having a character narrate like he usually does. Perhaps Oracle himself is narrating! Or herself. Or itself. I don't think it had any distinguishing primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The narration is about Superman since he was just flung into space by H'el and was caught by Oracle. But what is Oracle, Narrator?

Aha! That's what Oracle is! He appears when a person fucks with time and says, "Shame! Shaaaaaame!" Except he must have only come into existence due to The Flash fucking with time in Flashpoint since The Oracle didn't appear to The Flash and say, "Shame. Shaaaaaaame!"

The Oracle speaks to Superman in the most confusing way possible: by showing him images of the past and the maybe past and the shouldn't be past. I think it shows Superman in Kryptonian Garb arguing with Normal Looking H'el and maybe Superman in Kryptonian Garb sucking face with his mother. Except I'm probably wrong about all of that because I'm just as confused as Superman!

I hope that wasn't the last we'll see of Oracle! He deserves his own title! It can simply be composed of twenty pages of various panels from DC's Preboot comic books.

Superman shrugs his shoulders because he needs to get back to Earth and stop H'el. Although Superman suddenly doesn't want to stop H'el! I mean, he wants to save the lives of everyone on Earth. But he's suddenly sympathetic to H'el's cause to save Krypton. What a fool! Didn't he learn anything about mucking with time from Superman the Movie? Oh, yeah. I guess he did learn something: go for it because it always works out in the end and doesn't cause anybody any harm.

Batman and the others tell Superman to go save the planet because they're pretty much useless in situations like this. They're just going to sit around the Watchtower pushing buttons and reading monitors and hoping they don't suddenly cease to exist. And while they fiddle about waiting for the end of the world, the Narrator decides to fill the readers in on H'el's plan (just in case they've forgotten after the multiple reminders in every issue of H'el on Earth).

Really? The "imminent" destruction of Krypton? I guess if you have a time machine, everything is imminent! At least Lobdell got the "arctic" part of the story correct. Perhaps the elementary school website I linked to long ago helped him sort out the differences between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Man! I should have quizzed him about that when I met him at the Portland Comic Con!

With Wonder Woman's girl-on-girl advice, Supergirl has finally realized that H'el's sexy shaved upper pubic area is no consolation for his lying, murderous, insane ways! She's decided to help Superboy and Wonder Woman shut down his time travel project.

Speaking of Time Travel, Primer is once again available on Netflix. Anybody reading this that has Netflix, I highly recommend the movie Primer. Good, good time travel stuff.

Superboy is able to destroy H'el's Star Fuel Machine with his Tactile Telekinesis which he finally has the use of again because H'el ripped off the Super Suit that was keeping him from using it. But not in time! Because H'el has a time machine! He can use it to go back in time and stop Superboy from destroying the Star Fuel Machine! Oh, but he doesn't need to. His time machine is all fueled up and ready to go. Now he's just waiting for the navigation system to align with the proper chronus-portal and he'll be off to Krypton, leaving a gaping hole in our solar system and destroying it.

Superman finally comes charging in from space to begin pummeling H'el. What he should be doing is pummeling H'el's time machine because we've seen what happens when Superman goes toe to toe with H'el! Superman can't match all of H'el's amazing powers that really make no sense if he's merely another Kryptonian. He must be something else since he has super teleporting breath and super DNA unraveling vision and super duper super strength. Maybe if Superboy isn't feeling too sick from trying to keep his DNA inside himself, he'll remember to destroy H'el's time machine now that he's destroyed the time machine's fuel source too late.

I wonder where Oracle went?

"Making this up as I go along." We know, Lobdell, we know. I mean Superboy!

The next minor thing that happens is purely idiotic and unnecessary but I think Lobdell just can't help himself at this point.

Oh look! H'el planned it all right down to this moment! Because that's all he's been doing is planning! The revelation isn't even needed. It just makes this moment worse. How about H'el just built a hardy ship that's majorly resistant to physical trauma? That's easy to accept because it only means he took care against Superman trying to stop him. But I think this is Lobdell's way to show why these idiot heroes haven't just smashed the shit out of his ship. Because H'el planned the diversion! Or something. Whatever. Fuck you, Harvest. I mean H'el.

H'el punches Superman off of him and Superboy exclaims he's never seen anything hit that hard in his life. Since Superman only flies a few dozen feet, I guess Superboy didn't see when H'el punched Superman into space.

With that amazing punch that Superman barely felt, H'el gets away and is about to enter his Time Machine when Kara asks him to forgive her and take her with him. Oh baby! How can anybody say no to that sweet face and the Kryptonite you're hiding in your underwear? Come on board!

Oh snap! Didn't plan for that, did you bitch?!

H'el drips blood that burns like acid and reveals that he was keeping the portals open psionically which is why he needed Superboy to free the ship from the Fueling Station. But what does that reveal about H'el? There's no way he's a Kryptonian! Perhaps he was a biological experiment created by Jor-el? Wounded although most likely not mortally, H'el falls backwards through one of the chronus-portals never to be heard from again! Well, as long as Scott Lobdell doesn't keep writing Superman. If Lobdell is still writing Superman around this time next year, I figure H'el will be back around then.

And then I get to have one of those rare moments where I scan in a scene by Lobdell that I really like! Enjoy this rare moment!

Such a well-written scene!

No, no. Just kidding! Although I should have saved that shot for the "THE END OF H'EL ON EARTH" Supergirl Bum Shot! Here's the real scene:

That'll happen when you hide Kryptonite in your hoo-ha.

Afterward, The Oracle wishes it could cheer because Superman didn't do anything Superman wasn't supposed to do anyway and has always done no matter how many times The Oracle experiences it. Except apparently time has changed because Lobdell says, "The past has been changed" in the teaser box for next issue. Also because H'el did make it back to Krypton with the Kryptonite stuck in his chest and without his time machine space ship.

So basically H'el spent all those years planning a plan that he didn't even need? He didn't need to suck up our solar system's energy to fuel his ship to travel back in time and through space. He simply had to open a chronus-portal and jump the fuck through all by himself. Fuck, he's an idiot.

Superman #17 Rating: Let's do some math to figure out how I'll change the Ranking! I'll give it a +1 for the Supergirl stabbing H'el in the chest with the Kryptonite. And I'll give it another +1 for the homage to Crisis on Infinite Earths! It'll get another +1 for the leaving it up to her baby cousin line! That's +3 Rankings so far! But it'll get a -1 for the stupid ass build up to the Oracle that fucking did nothing. It gets a -1 for the stupid ass plan by H'el which completely failed and yet still delivered him to Krypton. It gets a -1 for stupid ass time travel post Flashpoint. So now it's even! Oh! It gets a -1 for Batman feeling Superman punch H'el all the way up in the satellite and Batman NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! Are you trying to make Batman look stupid, Mr. Lobdell?! So that means Superman gets a -1 Ranking this month! And that's simply because I'm being fucking kind. How dare you pull that Oracle shit, Mr. Lobdell. How. Fucking. Dare. You. Build up this bullshit character for months and then have it do absolutely nothing except make Superman think, "Great. Real helpful, that."

Fuck you.

Supergirl #17

Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman's outfit?

Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl's face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn't good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.

Last issue, the H'el on Earth plot really didn't move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H'el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn't want to share their H'el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That's par for the course for Supergirl anyway.

Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):

Wonder Woman: "Hello, Supergirl!"
Supergirl: *POW!*

Supergirl can't afford to believe it or not?

Meanwhile the entire world is falling apart while Batman, Flash, and Cyborg perform meaningless heroic tasks. I'm sure some philosophers would say that heroic actions in the face of the end of the world are the most meaningful of all. But those same philosophers would probably argue that if the victim of a rape didn't know they were raped, did a rape actually occur? So fuck those jerks! Batman might as well be masturbating out of the satellite's airlock.

While Supergirl and Wonder Woman are brawling, Superman and H'el are engaged in their own fisticuffs.

This shot is for the ladies and/or the homosexuals and/or people who enjoy sexualized violence.

H'el punches Superman into space because H'el has levels of power never before seen in a comic book. He could have just teleported Superman into space if he'd wanted. Or teleported space into Superman. Or unraveled Superman's DNA. But he chose to simply punch him because that's the theme of Supergirl. Punching equals solutions.

Since this is mostly about fighting fucking and stalling for Superman #17 to come out in March, let's just enjoy some battle sex images.

Whoa! Nobody has ever made Supergirl's vagina go "FWABOOOM" before! Usually it's just a mild FWAAASH! Even Supergirl's Kryptonian Sun Vibrators didn't get this kind of reaction.

But even a gigantic orgasm can't defeat Wonder Woman. She's back on her feet in no time and smashing Supergirl into the ground. But what else could be expected? Supergirl is simply a girl. Wonder Woman is all woman.

Still a little wobbly from her big O.

Kara finally stops throwing punches and looks up to see the sun expanding and sending flares out all over the place. What Superman couldn't do with words and Superboy couldn't do with force and The Flash couldn't do with speed, Wonder Woman does with love. She convinces Kara that H'el is a fucking manipulative bullshit bastard. In other words, he's just another man.

You tell him, girlfriend! Don't listen to his bullshit no more!

That bastard H'el finally ends the relationship with an ultimatum. Now that Supergirl knows the truth, she must pick between Earth and Krypton. Although I'm pretty sure she's finally decided to side with Earth. Which leaves just one more issue of H'el on Earth before Superman saves Krypton! Or something equally stupid spectacular!

Except Superman #17 didn't come out the next week! It's late! It won't be out until MARCH! You know, the only reason I figure DC keeps Scott Lobdell around is because he makes his deadlines. And yet here he is, the first writer of The New 52 to miss a deadline! Fire his ass!

Supergirl #17 Rating: No change. Just be lucky I don't drop your cute sorry ass one rank, Supergirl, for participating in this stupid crossover!

Superboy #17

Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.

I believe the last issue of H'el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H'el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.

But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this "Superboy" character is and where he came from?"

To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.

This issue is called "Lost Cause." Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H'el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H'el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H'el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It's just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn't exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they'd still get together and he'd be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that...well, you get the idea. That's nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!

I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won't be anywhere near as fun and exciting.

The first few pages repeat a bunch of shit from all the other issues of H'el on Earth. Just get on with the fucking story! Stop wasting pages simply to have everyone repeat everything EVERY FUCKING ISSUE. Or in the same issue as well! As you can see from the panel above, Superboy informs everyone of H'el's plan. So now that we're all caught up on that, it probably doesn't need to be mentioned again, does it?

Oh! Good thing H'el fucking reminded me about his plans just a few pages later. I'd forgotten!

But if Supergirl is helping H'el, why didn't Kal-el help? I know you've mentioned it before six or seven times, H'el. But could you remind me what the problem was?

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. How do you still have a job? Regurgitating the same fucking dialogue and stories again and again?

Just a sample of the same conversation from Superboy #15.

H'el ditches Supergirl to go spout Earth aphorisms at the Justice League before destroying Superboy with his Amazing Powers That Defy Explanation* (*or, at the very least, nobody is fucking willing to explain them).

The Aphorism.

The Inexplicable Powers.

Well, I guess that's it for Superboy eight pages into his comic book. Unless he somehow pulls himself together with his tactile telekinesis. Perhaps even Superboy will hitch a ride to Krypton Past.

Superman battles H'el and instead of asking Wonder Woman for help since H'el has previously kicked his ass without so much as a single bead of sweat dripping down his perfectly sculpted abs and cleanly shaved upper pubic area, he sends her to find Superboy and help him. Since H'el used his magic powers to remove Superman's suit from Superboy, Superboy's DNA is falling apart again. But guess what?! He uses his tactile telekinesis to pull himself back together so he can get back into the fight! Wonder Woman just wanders off somewhere. Wander Woman!

While Superboy is recovering, he has an encounter with The Oracle's Herald who tells him a great big stupid lie that's supposed to be exciting foreshadowing about the character of Superboy!

Oh shut up! It's like I've lost all power to rationally deconstruct all of the shittery that leaks out of DeFalco's ass. All that I'm left with is the impotent protestation that he shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Since Superboy is a clone, he's obviously against nature. Therefore no omnipotent being could have predicted his creation. Therefore he has no fate or destiny and is the only creature in all of existence (besides all of the other clones!) that has free will. The basis for this "idea" is so mired in horrible philosophy and theological belief that I find it childish and laughable as a plot point. But the best part? This was simply Tom DeFalco farting in the wind! Since he doesn't plan anything, nothing will fucking come of this anyway! After the crossover, Superboy will go back to his existential crises and his dates that end in violence.

The Herald leaves Superboy and heads off to have a conversation with the mute Oracle. He discusses how Earth contains five anomalies and "any one of them could disrupt the delicate balance cosmic." Really? I've had it up to my fucking cowlick with "cosmic plans" and "saving future time lines" and "chosen ones" (who are apparently thought of as anomalies by the great cosmic monsters!) and all that other bullshit. What it all comes down to is simply lazy writing. Can't think of an intriguing and interesting story grounded in characterization and reality like the one in Batman and Robin Annual #1? Just say vague things about the end of the world or the end of all time or the end of the universe. Allow people to see the future or time travel so they know exactly what must be done. Mix in some technobabble, pseudo-religious bullshit, and a few Deus ex Machinas, and voila! A story that seems epic but is actually shallow as shit.

As Superboy pulls himself together to stop the Star Chamber, Supergirl appears and begins knocking him all over the arctic. He doesn't fight back. He just tries to convince her H'el is a big fat liar. But she won't listen to reason. But maybe she'll listen to a sexy catfight!

Sorry! Sorry! I just watched the Futurama episode where Leela and Amy become Butterfly Fighters and Fry says, "Rowwwwr! Mrrroowwwrrr!" while making cat claws about seventeen thousand times during that episode. By the way, I have a huge crush on Amy Wong.

While Wonder Woman and Supergirl's super sexy fight of wonder continues over in Supergirl #17 (hopefully for the entire thing!), Superboy picks himself up one last time and heads toward the star chamber to destroy it. Will he succeed? Well, according to Superman #0, no. Unless Supes finds another way home later.

Superboy #17 Rating: No change. While I mostly despised this issue, a lot of that stems from my own personal bias for certain types of stories that use logic and characterization to propel the action. But I have to say that from the point Superboy encountered Supergirl, I actually enjoyed the rest of the comic book. That whole scene in the last seven pages pretty much saved it for me. The dialogue between Superboy and Supergirl was actually pretty nice. I think Supergirl being under H'el's spell because she feels he loves her is a bit icky. I'd rather her single motivation was to restore Krypton and not have it be tied into some school girl crush. But Superboy actually acted like a hero here. That was fucking nice to see. And Wonder Woman coming out of nowhere to punch Supergirl through three glaciers? That's always fun. Perhaps my will was just worn out by the end of the comic book? Or perhaps DeFalco actually wrote a good scene. I think the jury is still out on which it was.