Supergirl #25

The crossover sucks but the cover is fucking brilliant. I mean, the four covers together.

I had to pull out my Superman #25 issue and scan it early so I could put them all together. Here's the finished product:

The top two covers don't line up as well as they should because I scanned them weeks ago and I'm not obsessive about making every cover the exact same pixel size.

Where were we? Fuck if I know! Everybody went back to different times to work on different projects. Supergirl finished hers early which meant she has to do some extra work with H'el.

The issue begins with a gigantic, omnipotent cosmic buttplug named Oracle observing the end of the universe that he knows isn't coming and never does come and never has come and doesn't come never. Hey, he's omnipotent! What the fuck does he have to worry about?

Oracle has made a new friend since last he appeared. His name is the Cobalt Bodysurfer and he says things that come off really stupid when spoken to an omnipotent being. He says, "You've placed a lot of hope on the shoulders of the Kryptonians." Can it really be considered hope when you know Greyhound #3, I've Got Lice, is going to win the race and you place your life savings on the outcome? I'm fairly certain "hope" is the wrong word. He says other stupid shit like this:

Even the Cobalt Bodysurfer knows how this is going to turn out! Why don't they just break for lunch since they know how it's all going to end.

Have I mentioned before how I love time travel stories but fucking despise poorly written and horribly conceived time travel stories? Yeah? I have? Well, it bears repeating! If only I could set it up in an infinite time loop so that it is heard over and over and over again for all eternity although it's only said the one time.

Hundreds of years before Krypton explodes, Supergirl and H'el have a bit of a lover's quarrel. He's hurt because she rammed a shard of Kryptonite into his chest and dumped his ass. She's upset that he would use that against her when all she really tried to do was love his beautifully shaved upper pubic region. But he can't get past it so she has to break his nose before he jams the Kryptonite into her chest.

I think since she already completed her mission, Supergirl can just die now. Since it just changes times and sets things on a different path so that Supergirl never has to come back to Krypton again. I mean, according to the laws of Time Travel in Scott Lobdell's story. Laws that suck festering dick cheese.

Over in the future in Kryptonopolis, Superman watches his mother tell his father that they're going to have a baby. This causes me to reread Superman #0 which I don't recommend anybody do even though it's a companion piece to this story. It's actually the reason this story exists. I'm fairly certain Scott Lobdell wrote Superman #0 with Clark narrating things he couldn't know. So then an editor pointed out how ridiculous it sounded and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! You haven't read the last page!" And he quickly scripted the final page with Superman thinking, "How do I know all of this? Because I was there!" And then Lobdell spent a year figuring out how to get Krypton back so that the end of Superman #0 would make sense. Which is why we had H'el on Earth and Krypton Returns! So I have to say, Superman #0 has truly spawned more horrible comic books than any other comic book ever.

I know, I know. I'm completely wrong about that because Marvel has had some real doozies in their time!

Anyway, Superman thinks about how he wants to save Krypton somehow even at the expense of the Omniverse when a mysterious figure shows up and he says, "You--?! But--how?!" I bet it's Batman!

Meanwhile in Superboy's Mission, the giant green flaming penis named Eradicator is back on his feet and trying to kill Superboy.

"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!"

Superboy winds up kicking The Eradicator through the time portal and into the future. But not just the future! He also kicks him all the way to Smallville, Kansas, United States, Earth, Sol, Milky Way! That was quite the kick!

H'el arrives to stop Superboy but then he breaks down because he's in two timelines at the same time, attacking Supergirl and Super...oh fuck it. This is dumb. Even for a fantastic science fiction story, it makes no sense! When did H'el get the power to travel through time? From H'el #1, it's apparent that H'el can change history over and over again but only from the point he appears in Krypton's past after being Kebab'd with Kryptonite by Supergirl. He isn't personally capable of jumping about time. So he shouldn't be able to appear to Supergirl hundreds of years in the past because he only exists on Krypton from Jor-el's youth to, well, whenever Krytpon explodes. But since he always sends his cells out into space to be born again, he returns and returns and returns. But he doesn't fucking time travel. And now two timelines converging? What the fuck is that about? Why would it fuck him up? Is this some Marty McFly's siblings disappearing from a photograph bullshit? I have a feeling Scott Lobdell's complete knowledge of time travel is from the Back to the Future films.

Anyway, somehow Supergirl and Superboy figure out that H'el is fighting in two timelines because that's the first fucking conclusion I would jump to when I see a gash open in someone's chest and they mutter, "Two...timelines...converging." Oh! I get it! That fucker is in two timelines! Let's kick his ass!

Also, Supergirl has become leader of the clones because she defeated their leader. Hey, that's just the way that primitive shit works!

Supergirl #25 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sorry to have to drop Supergirl's rankings for a shitty fucking piece of shit shitty shit shit shitpile of a shitstorm crossover, but I can't with good conscience not drop this fuckery down a few ranks. I wonder if pouring Cough Medicine in my eyes will make me feel better?

Superboy #25

You beware the Eradicator!

I wish I were eight years old and writing these commentaries. They'd be so much more entertaining. I wonder where I can hire an eight year old to take over? Anybody have a son or daughter that you wouldn't mind exposing DC Comics to? Also, they'd have to work with me so they'd have to have an extensive knowledge of curse words and know a bunch of synonyms for poop.

The last issue of Superboy, Superboy and Krypto were imprisoned by Psycho Pirate. Superboy had lost his powers. I don't know if Krypto had. But forget that story. That story doesn't exist anymore. That story will probably never continue. I can see no possible future event that will cause that story to continue since Superboy wound up flip-flopping through time until he was spit out in the Action Comics Annual to be a part of Krypton Returns! And that is the story that this issue follows. Not the Psycho Pirate story! Remember, you're supposed to forget that story!

For a company that seems to try to keep tight reigns on continuity, DC, deep down, doesn't actually give any fucks.

So, returning to the shittiest Superman story ever created (Return to Krypton Returns Again), Superboy was last left with the task of getting Past Supergirl into a rocket headed toward Earth before Krypton explodes. The difficulty is that she'll probably punch him in the face before every conversation. But she's young and boy crazy, so he should be able to lure her into a dark, confined space fairly easily.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell or Justin Jordan is responsible for the Narration Boxes but I'm taking them at face value: whoever wrote it really isn't clear on any of this story.

Kara and Kon are immediately set upon by The Eradickator, a deus ex plot device to keep Supergirl from going to Earth. Which will keep H'el from being stabbed by Kryptonite which will make it so he never comes back in time to Krypton's past which would ruin all of his plans completely. Wait. What? I think that's the opposite of what he wants. I guess H'el figured out a way to set up the time stream so that he is successful with his initial H'el on Earth plan while setting up all the other events that will make Krypton return in the correct and proper format for his supreme transcendence.

I don't know what I'm talking about. But I already gave up trying to make sense of Ann Nocenti's Katana. Can I allow myself to give up trying to make sense of anything Scott Lobdell interferes with as well?

So, The Eradickator. He appears and gives us his amazingly awesome origin as part of his introduction:

Really? Is that who you are? Because you just look like a great big flaming green cock with arms and legs.

The Eradickator is awfully proactive for being the living embodiment of entropy. I would expect to find him sitting on a couch covered in cheese puff powder and empty Mountain Dew cans. If he's the entropy across the entire universe, why is Krypton so special to him? He's playing favorites, isn't he? Shouldn't he love all of his gradually decaying planets equally?

He really is quite veiny, isn't he?

Superboy engages with The Eradickator while remembering the past events and comic books that led up to this. He conveniently forgets what was happening at the end of Superboy #24 though because that doesn't fit in with any of the other various titles he's appeared in (and, I think, he's guest starred in all of The New 52!).

While Superboy tries to get his giant dick under control, Supergirl has appeared in the past to wipe out the Clone Rebellion. From her initial observation, she declares that the clones are even more savage than historical records had indicated. So that means they must have served tea and biscuits to unwanted intruders because these Clones don't immediately kill her. In fact, they tell her several times the interesting ways that she's going to die and yet still don't try to kill her. I don't think they actually want to engage in violence. Perhaps their language has evolved to use only the phrases they've heard snarled at them by the authorities of Krypton? So when they say, "Have guts. See them on ground. Kneel and die," what they really mean is, "Welcome to our humble abode. Please, have a seat." And when they say, "I cut pretty throat now," they actually mean, "Would you care for a cool beverage?"

A fight erupts between Supergirl and the Clones because she's an ungrateful guest although it's not really any more aggressive than a handshake. Perhaps this is the way Clones size each other up and earn each other's respect. Instead of testing out the firmness of the other person's handshake in a judgmental display of passive superiority, they punch each other in the jaw and see who knocks out the most teeth. All of this fighting leads Kara to remember the days when she trained under Superman's mother, for some reason. I guess she learned an important lesson in manners that day.

This must be the lesson that taught Supergirl to punch people in the face when she first meets them. Which is why she remembered it now that she's punching her new friends, The Clone Army, in their faces!

Meanwhile in another place and time, Superman is busy beating the shit out of his mother because he has to. Oracle said so!

He also calls her an ass.

After Superman is laid out by his mother's kick, he tells her he's a friend. Then the Superman Sigil appears on his chest and she decides not to kick him in the face anymore. She says he'll get to meet Jor-el later so they can figure out what is going on. Then Superman will get to say, "Surprise! Baby's back! And I'm here to make sure you die!"

Back to Superboy fighting The Eradicator, Superboy is concerned that his power reserves are running out under the Red Sun (just as they've all been because they have to remind the readers that they'll eventually lose their powers so there is more tension. Although if it takes such a long time for them to lose their powers under the red sun simply because their reserve of yellow sun energy is running out, why is Superman always so adversely affected by Red Sun energy like when battling the, ugh, Sunturians? Shouldn't it just be a non-issue? I'm confused. Is Red Sunlight harmful to Kryptonians or is it simply the absence of Yellow Sunlight that is the problem?). But do Superboy's powers actually derive from the Yellow Sun? I thought he was different somehow since his powers are so different. Shouldn't he maintain his tactile telekinesis since that was developed in the lab somehow or derived from Alternate Future Lois Lane's latent abilities? I think The New 52 has some 'splaining to do.

Well, Superboy explains some of it. But the fact still remains: Why the fuck was he even concerned about the Red Sun in the first place?!

Superboy "eradicat"s The Eradicator (because that was what he was thinking too! That he would eradicat!) and taps into Argo City, realizing that the city itself is going to detach from the planet soon. Maybe. That might be what he realized. I'm guessing at that.

Back to Supergirl's dinner party, it's been a feral success! But there's a latecomer to the party and he's brought a gift!

I still hate the stupid fucking backwards "S" on his chest. Get your own gimmick, assH'el.

Superboy #25 Rating: No change. I have nothing more to say about Krypton Returns so let me say this instead: I woke up with my epitaph ringing in my head. This shall be on my tombstone, if I can afford one after I die a pauper:

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.

Supergirl #24

Now that Supergirl's flesh has been used to give Cyborg Superman his identity back, do I have to end this commentary with a shot of Cyborg Superman's ass? It might be sexy but I have a feeling it won't be adorable.

I have a confession to make. Actually, it's not much of a confession since all of my philosophy is malleable depending on the situation, being that I'm a Situational Individualist. So when I say I never high-five people, that's generally true. But I did high-five somebody in Las Vegas two weeks ago.

I was on Fremont Street with a bunch of old friends (and a few new ones) when the ceiling light show shit began with Queen. We were singing and walking and grooving along when We Are the Champions ended and it switched to the Monster Mash. At that point, I began dancing with my buddy Brent. At first I was doing the Molly Ringwald but then I began dancing like a Werewolf and then like a Vampire and then like a Mummy. If I'd put a hat down, I probably would have made a few bucks. Eventually Brent decided to dance like a charging bull and plowed into me and we laughed and stopped and continued on to the next casino. As we were entering the casino, some guy standing by the door yelled, "Hey! It's the dancing guy! That was awesome!" and he proffered the up top high-five. So what? I'm going to leave a stranger who appreciated the majesty of my Monster Mashing hanging? Fuck no!

Plus I was kind of drunk. And you know the kinds of stupid, embarrassing things people do when they're drunk! I am not ashamed. He also may have been five years old and who am I to deny a five year old a high five? Yeah, he was tall for one so young but what do I know about children?

So now you know. Anything I say on this blog is not set in stone, depending on the situation and depending on the people involved in the situation. Nobody should be ensconced in any foundational philosophy that doesn't allow room for mercy and understanding. First and foremost, we are all individuals. We should all understand and respect that. Except in situations when the individual's name is Scott Lobdell. Fuck him!

So Supergirl! She's cute, right? Let's read about her! If she's still alive somehow after melting away into nothing.

Just like I confusingly predicted last commentary: Supergirl's shoved her chocolate deep into I'noxia's peanut butter!

Brainiac has arrived to give Supergirl a K-Pap Smear. But Cyborg Superman (who is no longer Cyborg Superman but Zor-el, Supergirl's father) doesn't want Brainiac anywhere near his daughter's dainty parts, no matter how scientific and unsexy Brainiac's motivations might be. He convinces his lab assistant, Delacore, to put everything I'noxia has into repelling Brainiac while Zor-el figures out a way to save everyone and restore Kara's adorable little bum. Delacore agrees because with a name like Delacore, he certainly isn't going to win a fist-fight, even if it is with a naked, traumatized man of science composed of his daughter's supple flesh.

"And a truth that you must keep me from learning no matter how much I beg and plead and say, 'But why wouldn't I want to know? I want to know now so I should know! I was stupid not to want me to know!' Because once I learn the truth again, I'll wind up saying, 'I never should have known!'"

While Brainiac attacks I'noxia topside, Kara attacks from deep within its bowels. She's going to herniate the fuck out of this place unless she gets her body back pronto! That should have whoever is in charge worried. I don't know who is in charge. I guess Zor-el although he's kind of fucked up everything so far!

Supergirl wants to kill Cyborg Superman for taking her body. That's understandable. But little does she know she's suffering from Daddy Issues! Ha ha! Your daddy took away your body and your innocence and just left a pile of raging atoms! Why isn't that as funny as I want it to be? Why did that statement hurt my heart so much?! DADDY!

"Delacore?! Do we really have time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption?! Oh what am I saying? There's always time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption!"

Delacore reverses the operations and Zor-el once again becomes the amnesiac, Cyborg Superman. And Supergirl's body is restored in its full, naked, nipply glory! I'm assuming that Kryptonian females have nipples. I'm fairly certain Kryptonian children are reared by machines and clones and vats full of artificial amniotic fluids! It's a good thing Superman was nourished by the sun when he came to Earth since Ma Kent's cow milk and corn fritters couldn't actually be digested by the boy.

While Supergirl stupidly gets dressed, Cyborg Superman and Brainiac trade wicked barbs like "You're not super at all!" and "You're dumb!" It's all very 3rd Grade Recess which makes it perfect for my level of understanding. I'm totally getting that they don't like each other at all! I appreciate when comic books don't go the subtle route.

Delacore and the rest of I'noxia turn into a silver sphere, convince Supergirl to flee while Brainiac and Cyborg Superman are playing tetherball, and say their goodbyes to Supergirl.

I'm actually looking forward to Delacore's future return! I don't say that often about characters!

Supergirl flees I'noxia and runs straight into the worst final page of a comic book ever! She runs into Oracle, Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking nonsense omnipotent thing that isn't actually omnipotent and doesn't actually do anything at all. But I suppose he's here to suck Kara into the worst crossover since H'el on Earth: THE RETURN OF KRYPTON!!!!! Did I give it enough exclamation points?

Supergirl #24 Rating: +10 Ranking. I have enjoyed this comic book since it started even if it was a bit decompressed for my tastes during its first year. But it's been languishing beneath a bunch of titles that I only occasionally enjoy and I think it's time for Supergirl to get a nice boost, preferably by my hands and preferably by her bottom. I also sense her comic might not fare too well during Issue #25 since it will be tied directly to Scott Lobdell's awesomest story ever told by either Marvel or DC!

Cyborg Superman #1

Who has been working on making 3D technology better? They should have been working on curing cancer.

The depth of field on some of these 3D covers is pretty spectacular. Especially considering how far 3D technology has come. Before it used to make you feel like you were having an icepick jabbed into the base of your brain. Now I just feel slightly buzzed.

Cyborg Superman actually has nothing to do with Action Comics, thank the ever-loving, Scott Lobdell-despising stars. Yes, it's true. The firmament hates Scott Lobdell. Look, I don't make up truths. Truths just exist with or without my intervention. I can pass truths along as I discover them. But I don't make them up. Any school kid could tell you if I made up a truth it would be a lie. Duh!

For those of you not reading Supergirl, Cyborg Superman came out of the pages of her comic book. Here's a gigantic spoiler right up front: Cyborg Superman is her father. And it might have been a truly tearful and uplifting reunion if Cyborg Superman hadn't needed to disintegrate Supergirl in order to use her flesh to create his flesh and bring back his memories. Of course once his memories were restored and he realized Supergirl was his daughter, he had a little bit of an "Oh shit" moment.

The issue begins nine months after Krypton's destruction on the ruined city of Argo. Argo was Jor-el's brother Zor-el's attempt at saving some people on Krypton. While Jor-el thought everybody could retreat into The Phantom Zone (even though it was filled with super maniacs), Zor-el thought perhaps a force-field around a city might be a better shot at survival. And it was! Although it was also merely a temporary solution and in the end, Zor-el, like his brother, had to jettison his child into space and towards Earth. Now Brainiac has found Argo and is investigating.

Fuck you! Lesser brother, my ass. He saved an entire city! Kind of. For a few months. But all Jor-el saved was one lousy baby!

Brainiac takes Zor-el and outfits him with Cyborg body parts but the process causes him to lose some memory and that's the end! Unless it's different since I'm just guessing at that part because most of Cyborg Superman's origin was already given away in Supergirl. But how and why Zor-el went the Argo route over the launch his teenage daughter into deep space route hasn't been told. Which is why they're telling it here!

I was worried that I would absolutely despise any scene on Krypton. But now I know I've only hated Krypton so far because Scott Lobdell was writing it. Oh, and whoever had to take over his shitty ass World of Krypton story. I don't blame that person so I'm not going to bother looking up who it was.

I have to remember to stop asking the Non-Certified Spouse a question as I'm headed to the bathroom. Because in her mind, we're beginning a conversation while in my mind I'm thinking, "HOLY FUCK I'M GOING TO SHIT MYSELF WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" So I miss most of whatever is being said anyway as I slowly edge my way out of the room and toward the bathroom. I suppose I should preface quick questions like that with, "My bowels are about to express themselves really violently so please keep your answer to this question very short."

I know what you're thinking: stop asking questions when you need to use the water closet. I don't know why you insist on calling it a water closet though. That's a bit weird and outdated. Anyway, it's not like I always ask a question on my way out of or through the room. But just the sign of life in me sometimes causes her to begin a conversation, especially because she probably hadn't seen me for sixteen hours because I had to work all night and then I went to bed before she got up and then I disappeared into my office to read comic books and then when I finally need to rush to the bathroom, that's when we run into each other!

Of course I do it to, it being the starting the conversation thing as the other person leaves the room. I imagine it's a human trait. You see somebody leaving and you instantly begin thinking of questions you need answered just in case they fall down the stairs and break their necks when they're suddenly out of your sight.

Back to Cyborg Superman, I noticed in the credits that "the Cyborg was created by Dan Jurgens." That harkens back to the Death of Superman days. I don't remember what that Cyborg Superman was like. Was he Zor-el back then too? Because if not, it seems odd that you have to credit somebody just because both of your characters are cyborgs and Superman! But if they're both cyborgs and Superman and Zor-el, then I think the created by tag is justified.

In other words, turn him into a gigantic asshole.

As Brainiac tears Zor-el apart and fits him with mechanical pieces, he says something I really love: "What need does a man truly have of an origin abused by cowards and lovers?" I figured he was talking about taking away his painful memories of his brother being a superior dickface. But then I reread it while looking at the picture and he says "organ" and not "origin" and he's talking about Zor-el's heart. Bah! How can a sentence go from profound subtlety to overused cliche from one misread word?! And why would Brainiac use the human metaphor of the heart anyway? Maybe he's just immersed himself in human culture and his brain is currently steeping in Shakespeare.

Hey! Did you notice I didn't make a "we can rebuild him" reference?! Fuck.

The smartest being in the Universe and he can't even pronounce "Kyrpton" correctly."

Brainiac gives Cyborg Superman a super in-depth physical with lots of results which Brainiac describes as "super" before sending Cyborg Superman out into the universe to help with his gardening.

I knew he'd been boning Shakespeare!

I may have forgotten a preposition or two in that previous caption! And by "forgotten," I actually mean "purposefully left out."

Now I'm going to have people Googling Brainiac's words to figure out which play he is quoting from. If he is quoting from a play, I don't know which one! I'm just pointing out that he's been overly metaphoric and dramatic with his stupid soliloquies. And technically, yes, it is considered a soliloquy when you're giving commands to a Robot-man. It's still a soliloquy when I'm at home and I say, "Toast has never taken so long! In all the history of all the histories of all the universes, no love, betrayal nor conquest, no rise and fall of any civilization, not one of these things, if they were to be revealed upon us as a vibrant tapestry reveals all history at one glance, none would strike me with greater pathos than the unending ennui which falls upon one's soul while waiting for the bread to toast. Toast, you Goddamned Cursèd Toaster! TOAST!" And then the Non-Certified Spouse yells from the other room, "Did you say something?" And then the toast would pop and I'd mumble, "Never mind."

"Allura! Why must you insist on leaving you Kryptonian dildos all over my workstation? What if our daughter were to get her hands on one of these? You know their over-use can lead to antisocial behaviour and a tendency to punch people in the face upon a first meeting."

Cyborg Superman begins touring the universe searching for perfect specimens to take back to Brainiac so he can make them perfecter. Brainiac isn't simply a perfectionist. He's a perfecterestionest. Because he's always got to the best at everything. This makes life difficult because he often wants to be the best at pronouncing words but then he also needs to be the best at mispronouncing words. It's a struggle but he still manages to juggle it all.

The Insect Lobby has really done a piss poor job getting people to stop attributing all negative characteristics to insects.

Cyborg Superman (it just gets dumber and dumber each time I type that) decides that the lower classes of people living on the ground like stupid ground walking insects aren't worth his time. So he goes to check on the rich classes living in the sky like drunken butterflies filled with stupidity and other insect traits. He singles out one of them to challenge and gives this one a choice: die or your friends die.

Let me tell you something, Cyborg Superman! That's not really a choice at all! Who needs friends? Totally overrated. Insects have friends and look where that gets them? Loving each other like moths! Bonding like aphids! Ugh. Such despicable behaviour.

Although really, it does make sense that Cyborg Superman hates insect-like traits but loves non-insect-like traits! Because the alien Cyborg Superman challenges chooses his own life over the life of his friends. And I'm fairly certain that no insect would ever sacrifice the colony for his own individuality. Except that one asshole in that movie about the ant from Manhattan. That ant was a traitor to his race. Don't buy into the propaganda simply because he winds up being the hero! Total bullshit. That ant colony was fucked listening to that free will spouting bitch.

I don't know what it is but I'm really beginning to warm up to this Cyborg Superman!

So putting some of the early New 52 Supergirl history together, will the candidates for perfection that Cyborg Superman finds be the Worldkillers? Am I the only one this late to that thought? Fucking stupid slow information processing organ! I wish I had a Brainiac to make me perfecterest!

Cyborg Superman seeks someone that will do anything to survive. But they can't beg to survive. And he doesn't want anybody willing to sacrifice themselves because that's just stupid. Who cares if the world is better after you've sacrificed yourself since you won't be there to enjoy the betterment of it?! What are we all supposed to be? Saints? Bah! I'd rather eat more candy.

I wonder if eating lots of candy would make me a candidate for perfection. I'd be willing to eat loads of cookies to ensure my own survival. And if the only way to prove you want to live is masturbation, I'd be a candidate in no time! Literally no time because I can orgasm immediately! As a teenager, you don't realize you're screwing up the sex life of your first few future relationships when you learn to masturbate quickly because the only VCR is in the living room and you never know when your mom is going to be coming back home! Luckily she drove a loud Camaro that you could hear from two blocks away. But then when you finally do convince another person to touch your genitals, you tend to blow whenever you hear a car approaching.

Loud car. "Oh shit it's my mom!" Orgasm. Partner stares at you in shock and disgust. Relationship over.

Back to the past just moments before Krypton is destroyed, it is revealed that Zor-el took his brother's advice and shot Kara off toward Earth (the instructions for how to do this Jor-el left to him on a Kryptonian Sundildo). Okay, so we already knew this and how he tricked his wife and all that other stuff. But none of those scenes ever made me put the comic book down and say, "Oh fuck. Ow ow ow ow. Holy shitballs."

This scene is simply brilliant.

I don't mean this in a judging Allura way at all because Zor-el has been a right prick to her during all of this end of the world stuff but seriously: cold hearted fucking bitch. That's pretty much the best thing she can say at the moment to return all the hurt and aggravation and lying and bullshit her husband has handed to her the last few weeks. Critical fucking hit. Just awesome. It would be especially heartbreaking if these were their last words to each other but since Argo is saved for awhile, Allura will have plenty more time to tell Zor-el how much of a spectacular failure he is.

And Cyborg Superman destroys nearly everybody on the planet he's visiting without finding any flowers for Brainiac's garden.

I don't understand why Cyborg Superman has a comic for "Villains" Month!

Cyborg Superman #1 Rating: A flower amongst the weeds in the garden of The New 52. Michael Alan Nelson has really been impressing me on his Supergirl stories. This was the best Villains Month book I've read so far! Although I've only read two and the other one was Ann Nocenti's The Creeper. So. You know.

Supergirl #23

Supergirl's bum has made me a fan of Mahmud Asrar for life. Not that you can see it here. Just saying. Fucking internet nerds are so critical and literal, I feel like I've always got to qualify my statements!

This cover is terrific. I think it might be the last bit of Asrar art from DC. Hopefully that will change in the future because this guy is solid. I suppose I could start reading Ultimate Comics: X-men if I really need a fix. But I can't afford to start purchasing Marvel comic books too! Who do you think I am? Scrooge McDuck?!

Scrooge McDuck is the only capitalist I respect.

Speaking of sanctimonious, only a sanctimonious tart would spell "poseur" correctly in a speech bubble while fleeing for her life. Just to rub it in the face of everybody who would like to forget about that stupid "u" in there.

I bet Supergirl even pronounced "poseur" in a phony upper class accent just so everybody chasing her knew she could spell it correctly. Even if she sounded like an idiot pronouncing it that way. Sometimes it's important to seem like an idiot in one way so that you can make sure everybody knows you're better than they are in some other way. Whenever I'm on an elevator filled with people, I like to point out that I once had sex. Just so everybody knows where we all stand.

Apparently Cyborg Superman is having a tiff with Jesus.

The figments of Supergirl's imagination rationalize the way you'd expect figments of the imagination to rationalize: poorly. They somehow think Supergirl is acting like a child because she won't allow Cyborg Superman to steal her flesh. I suppose as a creature made from Imaginatron (that's imaginary Inertron. Which is weird because Inertron is imaginary!), flesh doesn't mean anything to them. To them, it's as if Supergirl doesn't want to throw away a candy wrapper. What good is her skin after all the yummy meaty, bloody bits are licked off? She might as well let Cyborg Superman use it. Then Supergirl will be free to find a jar of peanut butter to fall into and make her life complete. I'noxia is the jar of peanut butter in that metaphor! The metaphor is a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!

You know, if those Reese's commercials were based on reality, nobody would have ever discovered the delicious taste of chocolate and peanut butter. Because nobody roller blades while eating out of a jar of peanut butter! And even if someone did and some asshole on a ladder dropped their chocolate bar into the roller blader's peanut butter, I'm fairly certain the roller blader wouldn't pull out half of the asshole's candy bar and begin eating it. The roller blader would probably just scream, "Ugh! Herpes!" and throw the jar of peanut butter at the asshole's head, killing him.

Here's an old Reese's commercial. It just oozes sexual tension. Except for the weird old man at the end that hands them condoms. "Stop trying to be a part of our sexual fantasy, dude!" "You got your dick in my vagina!" There was a futuristic one with a spaceman and his robot that had even more sexual tension than this one.

Yes, because sewage leaking from an upstairs apartment is so much worse than dying from Kryptonite Poisoning. Seriously. I wasn't being sarcastic. That sewage thing was gross.

Supergirl continues to argue with her imaginary friends when she should be running and/or beating them to death. I think when one side of a debate is "give us your skin," you technically don't need a rebuttal. At least not one that doesn't involve a Taser or a shotgun.

This is the only rebuttal you need to the voices in your head. Or to your brother when he catches you eating dog food.

Supergirl eventually succumbs to her past memories and the Kryptonite Poisoning. Cyborg Superman scoops her up while she's helpless and takes her off to the Skin Removal Lab. Supergirl's reaction is to give Cyborg Superman the nickname of "Cy." Seems like an appropriate time for something like that. You don't want to have to spend most of your time pleading for your life saying, "Cyborg Superman." It doesn't really roll off the dying tongue very well.

I hope Cyborg Superman's creator is revealed by the end of this issue because I'm getting sick of everybody taunting me with knowledge I don't possess! How dare you use lack of information as a means to create tension! Tell me who he is so my mind can run wild with the possibilities! Unless Cyborg Superman's creator is Supergirl's dad. I don't want to know that because then things begin to get weird. Hopefully it's one of the Brainiacs.

We all die alone, dumb dumb. Unless you die in a plane crash.

Luckily for Supergirl, Delacore cleanses her of the Kryptonite Poisoning before giving her flesh to Cyborg Superman. Unluckily for Supergirl, he does this by dissolving her into teeny, tiny particles. The Kryptonite Poison is isolated and Cyborg Superman gets ready to be injected with Supergirl when Cyborg Superman's creator attacks!

Castle Grayskull! I mean, Brainiac!

And then things get weird anyway as Cyborg Superman is reconstituted from Supergirl into Zor-el, Supergirl's father. Whoops! Is it really that big a surprise, Cyborg Superman, when I'noxia itself gave you the error message about redundancy last issue? But this is what happens when people get amnesia! Just ask Jason Todd. It's all well and good to not remember stuff until you start wanting to re-remember that stuff! And then everything goes to shit. So now you didn't just kill your daughter, asshole. You are your daughter! That's fucking weird shit man.

Supergirl #23 Rating: +4 Ranking. This book just keeps getting better! Anybody who gave up this book because it may have been moving too slowly and erratically should start picking it up again. Because the character of Supergirl has really been terrific across the whole run but now the story telling has really tightened up. It's a lot of fun!

Supergirl #22

No wonder Asrar isn't drawing the book anymore. He can only draw half a Supergirl per month. Lazy!

I'm not sure how people think in Tweets. As you've probably noticed, I usually need a lot more than 140 characters to get my point across. But just in case you've been wanting to follow a horrible writer that Tweets about twice a week, you should follow @GrunionGuy over there at the website where people Twat. If you do, here are some of the fabulous things you'll see me say:

My next novel: "Everything I need to know I learned in 'Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten.'"
Problem with my new werewolf novel. Takes place during the quarter moon. Werewolf is merely a surly vagrant.
I'm beginning to regret making every character in my novel a Werewolf.
Would Batman kill an evil dolphin?
"Be fat. Be extraordinarily, unhealthily fat." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech
"Never drink into a black out with a loaded gun in the room." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech
"Create something. Except babies." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech

And the most important advice you'll get from anybody, but most especially from a failed writer/super-hero:

"Don't let the internet distract you from thinking up really wise things." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech

No wonder Scott Lobdell just plagiarizes his own scripts! You can get a lot more writing done that way!

So, what was going on with Supergirl? I'm sure it wasn't as fascinating as what was going on with my Twitter account, but I should get to it anyway! She was on a fake planet made from N-10nth Metal with a crazy half-cyborg, half-Superman Superman! I didn't mean for that to sound prejudiced against half-breeds! You really shouldn't judge somebody just because their parents decided to buck cultural norms and out-dated decency laws! You should judge people on the bands they listen to and the kind of beer they drink and how many other people you've seen their t-shirt on previously.

Cyborg Superman: King of the non-answer answers!

I've mentioned before how much I don't like it but let's talk about this some more: What the fuck is going on with Supergirl's outfit?! At least Neves makes it look less like the uncomfortable diaper Asrar was apparently visualizing. But it looks like it was designed to warn predators away from Kara's hoo-haw-el. It's got a nice bit of Neutral Zone staked out to warn you before you end up in the Red Zone and things begin decloaking and trying to kill you and start an intergalactic incident. No wonder she needed to bring her Kryptonian Dildo with her to Earth.

Cyborg Superman doesn't remember anything except being Cyborg Superman. He seems to think he has memories before this although evidence would point to the fact that he only remembers from the point his power switch was flipped into the on position. To help him remember, Delacore suggests Kara use her memories to help shape the planet into Krypton. Which he, you know, said couldn't be done last issue because it would take more than Kara could provide. Or he hinted at that, anyway. Maybe I interpreted his sly winking and elbow nudges incorrectly. Kara decides to help out with some memories to see if it's possible and, more importantly, how long this whole fucking thing will take. She's spending the last of her very short remaining, Kryptonite-poisoned time to selflessly help these needy assholes.

Supergirl remembers her childhood home and BAMF! There it is! As she runs around it smelling the appliances, Delacore and Cyborg Superman conspire!

Who made Cyborg Superman? Probably H'el or Supergirl's father or Ted Kord Enterprises.

Since Supergirl isn't as good at describing things as she might have thought, Delacore has her wear a band around her head that can see her thoughts and replicate things as perfectly as she remembers them. This time, she remembers her mother and gets to have her heart broken all over again. And then Delacore becomes her father but the I'noxian programming suffers a redundancy error when Delacore notices he has the same eyes as Cyborg Superman. Of course, everybody in this comic book so far has the same color eyes! I guess since they're all family, it makes sense. Perhaps Cyborg Superman was a body created by Zor-el, Supergirl's father, to house his consciousness so that it could escape Argus before it floated into the sun. And didn't Zor-el create the Worldkillers, so he has the know how and technical expertise.

Supergirl's neighborhood of make believe quickly fills up with Jor-el and Lara and baby Kal-el and a couple of her friends and even H'el! I sense a wacky Kryptonian sitcom on the horizon!

And then Cyborg Superman fucks up and says the creepiest thing a half-robot person can say in this situation:

Nope! Done! I'm out!

Perhaps it's the deep, sustained psychological trauma I suffered as a small child watching movies like The Shining and The Sentinel, but when anybody ever says "forever," I know they're full of maliciousness and evil and maybe a little bit too needy thrown in as well. Alarm bells go off in my Neutral Zone and I change the subject to Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Supergirl reveals she's dying so maybe lay off the phrases like "forever and ever" and "in the long run" and "401(k)". A green speech balloon tells Cyborg Superman that he needs to lay off Kara and just observe her as she dies but Cyborg Superman needs what he needs and he needs it now! I still don't know what that is. Possibly a human chin.

Okay, that's the reaction I was looking for! I just got there a few pages quicker than Kara due to my long hours of learning to spot creepiness while watching Motel Hell and The Prophecy and The Hills Have Eyes (the original, you babies!)

So all Cyborg Superman wants is her flesh. No big deal. I guess I was right about his human chin though! So fuck you, Supergirl. You might have some serious problems here but did you hear that I guessed correctly?! If I were Cyborg Superman, I'd use some of that sweet, sweet ass flesh for the chin. Then everybody would always be asking, "Why are you stroking your chin so much? Is it because of your boner?"

It's at the point that Kara resists Cyborg Superman's unwanted advances that he gets a wee bit crangry. Crangry. The emotion that surfaces in the supposed nice guy when the girl he's speaking with makes it clear that she's not going to sleep with him. Crangry.

Come on, Supergirl. I know he came on a little strong but think it through. He's offering you immortality! And all you have to do is let him wear your vagina like a kerchief!

Cyborg Superman doesn't get access to Kara's body through subterfuge or manipulation or logic or force, so he tries a new tactic: pity! This guy is throwing every fucking game at the wall to see if any of it sticks! It looks like the pity card might have the desired effect though since I'm fairly certain Kara's father created this inhuman monster! He's not inhuman because he's half-robot and half-Kryptonian; he's inhuman because he's not any part human!

This whole experience on I'noxia is going to send Supergirl right back to punching people when she first meets them. She tried to be sociable and polite on this world and has received nothing but grief (if attempted rape and attempted murder and attempted cannibalization can all be categorized as "grief"). And she's finally had enough. It's fisting time, baby!

"Fisting Time" is far less sexy than it actually sounds. Or, well, fuck. Maybe it's exactly as sexy as it sounds! It's kind of like saying "Sewer Doughnuts" are far less delicious than they sound.

And then Supergirl is overwhelmed by about 43 I'noxian Supergirls. That's exactly as hot as it sounds! Kara escapes from herselves and bashes Cyborg Superman over the head with her Space Motorcycle. Then she blasts him with the Space Motorcycle's exhaust. And then she tries to make her escape from the rest of her memories.

Does Kara remember every woman she meets as having extraordinarily large breasts?

Supergirl #22 Rating: +5 Ranking! Ha ha! I fucking loved this issue. I feel bad enjoying Michael Alan Nelson's version of Supergirl more than Mike Johnson's version since I like Mike Johnson's version as well. But Nelson has really fixed the pacing problem of this comic while maintaining the strength and likability of the character.

Supergirl #21

I usually try to avoid jokes that everybody is going to make. But sometimes I can't help it because I'm still about 78% the person I was in elementary school. And being someone with a name that's easy to joke about as well, I should feel bad and stupid and unoriginal for pointing out that Dick Bonk is a funny name.

Last issue, Supergirl's Fortress of Sanctuary accused her of being a clone. In retaliation for the insult, she killed her home. Or thought she killed her home since her home housed a Brainiac AI unit and those things are really hard to kill. I don't know what happened to Simon Tycho the Jelly Man encased in crystal. He's probably safe and sound encased in crystal on the bottom of the ocean. I'm sure he'll be back. And Sanctuary will probably be back as well.

Kara is currently zipping through space on a space motorcycle built by Dr. Omnitruth. Since the Doctor couldn't cure Supergirl of her toxic Kryptonite poisoning, Kara decided to go on a space road death trip. On her ride, she encounters a gigantic city in space vomiting fireballs in all directions. Normally this would probably be the first picture I scan but it's a double page spread and I'd rather scan this panel:

Diogenes Neves captures the same adorableness with which Mahmud Asrar infused his Supergirl.

The style of Neves's panels and lines are quite different from Mahmud Asrar's. And even though I love Asrar's Supergirl work, I can't be too disappointed when someone like Neves is taking over the duties. I don't know for how long, of course. I never know anything like that! But for now, I can accept this change.

But before the reader can learn the secret of this multicultural city in space (Kara heard a bunch of cries for help in various languages), she has to go visit Siobhan the Silver Banshee two days earlier to say goodbye. Because Kara is dying from that Kryptonite poisoning I mentioned earlier!

Well, to be fair, it's very unlikely the crap is going to kill you. So Kryptonite poisoning still worse.

I don't think that's really Siobhan! Where's her accent?! Although if her super power is to speak any language fluently, then Michael Alan Nelson is finally writing her correctly by dropping the brogue from her speech.

So Siobhan yells at Supergirl for a bit to buck up because I'm sure Siobhan's feelings are a bit hurt that Supergirl hasn't stopped by just to say hi and Siobhan is dealing with a major apartment disaster and a dick for an upstairs neighbor. Besides, Supergirl never actually comes right out and tells Siobhan that she's dying. I'm pretty sure that would induce hugs instead of scoldings about self-pity. It would at least allow for a proper goodbye. But Kara doesn't know how to tell Siobhan, so their goodbye just leaves both of them feeling pretty crappy.

Siobhan with the best line all year. She must have improvised it because Supergirl had to cover her face and pretend to cry so we wouldn't see her laughing.

Back to the present, a couple of aliens are discussing how the big flaming city with cries of help is all just a ruse to lure Supergirl to them. They set up a scenario where a Crix is destroying the city. Apparently a Crix is a monstrous threat but not monstrous enough that Supergirl won't be able to handle it. After arriving and saving some civilians, Supergirl comes eyes to eye with the gigantic creature.

Wait. What?! Why now?! Supergirl finally finds herself in a situation where punching in the face seems pretty appropriate and she holds back? I guess I should admire the fact that she finally realized she had a problem with first impressions.

Needless to say although I'm saying it anyway unless I get completely distracted as to why the fuck that phrase even if exists? "Needless to say?" Every time somebody says "needless to say" they say whatever they were going to say anyway! Shouldn't people just say, "Needless to say." And then everyone around them nods their heads in silent agreement. So what I was going to say whether or not it needs to be said is this: The Crix punches Supergirl in the face.

It then tries to eat her which is the gravest mistake a gigantic something can do! In the first few months of DC's New 52, there was a rash of creatures making that mistake and swallowing protagonists whole, even when they have lots and lots of razor sharp teeth like this Crix has. But the giant monsters seemed to have learned their lesson. Until now.

Why do all of these creatures think putting a dangerous thing in their mouths is the smart thing to do? Didn't they learn any lessons as babies? Oh, this might be a robot so it's not at fault. It's the programmer's fault.

Afterword, one of the aliens comes out to talk with Supergirl. He explains how the entire city is made of a material that can restructure and reshape itself. It's called N-10nth Metal! That's like a bunch of times more powerful than Nth metal! These people, the I'noxians, travel around the universe building scale models of destroyed planets. But they arrived at Krypton too late to get any information about it. Instead, they just collected a bunch of rubble floating in Krypton's orbit. Part of that is a statue that Supergirl remembers of a hero named Val-Ro battling a creature called Dramonicus. Supergirl thinks about the unbroken statue and Delacore the I'noxian creates it. And then he turns himself into Val-Ro and brings Dramonicus to life.

So whatever these aliens actually want, they're using the knowledge of Supergirl's desperate belief in H'el to bring back Krypton to manipulate her.

And then the second alien introduces himself to Supergirl as Cyborg Superman! I don't really know what that means. But I don't think Cyborg Superman is a shapechanging I'noxian. I'm sure he has some connection to Krypton which is why he needs Supergirl and he needs the N-10nth Metal for some nefarious purpose.

Supergirl #21 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic book has always been far lower in the Rankings than I've been comfortable with. I actually like it a lot but it was too slow paced with the majority of each book being fight scenes. But the character and the plots I generally really liked. Now with Michaels Alan Nelson at the helm, the pacing is much, much better. And I'm still enjoying all the other aspects as well!