Futures End #12

Of course when you send a group of heroes to fight a high technological threat in deep space, you want to arm them with melee weapons.

Current status: Hungry.
Supplemental Status: Not hungry enough to overcome laziness.

People are constantly wondering when the future will arrive and we'll have teleporters and food replicators and hover cars and jet packs. I just want a mind-controlled food replicator that teleports the food into my stomach. We're in the year 2014 and we're not better off than the hunter/gatherers of yore! I probably have more to say about this but now I can't get the superhero name, Yore Mom, out of my head. Maybe she can team up with Madame Edamame!

Oh! I just realized how we are better off than those stupid ancestors of ours although I never utilize this civilized option: food delivery! Why am I not taking advantage of this astounding invention? Is it possible I'm not hungry enough nor am I lazy enough to overcome how ultimately cheap I am?! Yeah, I think that's it.

I probably shouldn't call my ancestors "stupid." They were smart enough to survive long enough to fuck so that eventually I would be here, miserable and hungry and awash in multiple existentialist crises! The jerks!

Has the future arrived yet? I'm still hungry! I guess I have to read a comic book on an empty stomach. Nobody has ever had it so rough.

Currently in Futures End, Frankenstein, Hawkman, and Amethyst have discovered a planet full of robots with that secret Futures End symbol on their faces! This must be the planet of the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (that's the non-gender specific form of "mister." You know the one. The one I just declared exists). The robots are not very happy to meet them nor are they very good at the science.

Why differentiate "necrotic" from "carbon-based"? And isn't Hawkman technically an Nth Metal based life form?

The robots seem to be a combination of Geiger's alien and Lucas's battle droids. They also have all the effectiveness of Stormtroopers because they can't even beat three people armed with medieval weapons. The Engineer appears on the scene although she's switched sides. She spouts some nonsense in binary and subdues the heroes all by herself.

Anybody have any ideas what the Evil Mr Smarty Pants three circles connected by two lines symbol might stand for? It just looks like a water molecule to me. Except all the atoms are the same size, so that can't be it. It could represent ozone except I think ozone's three oxygen molecules bind in three ways, so forget I even brought it up. It could just be a really easy maze! Maybe it's a representation of a reproductive system? It could also be the symbol for the way DC can only think up Borg-like threats to the universe where the bad guy constantly assimilates everybody else to become like-minded circles!

Back on earth, a bunch of stuff is happening between Voodoo and Faraday and some person named Mercy that's actually named Courtney so might be Stargirl five years down the line and post punked to the hilt. It's all written in a way that doesn't let the reader know anything that's actually going on but supposed to make the reader think, "I'm so excited to find out what's going on!" Of course, I'm just thinking, "Tell me what the fuck is going on, you stupid fucking comic book assholes! Stop stringing me along not telling me what the story I'm reading is all about before I stop reading your stupid fucking story and burn down the local church!"

My anger can get out of control sometimes. Especially when I'm hungry! According to Snickers commercials (unless it's a different candy bar), I must look like the television well girl from Ringu right now!

"Love that song"? I can get that it's perfect on hold music, but love? I wonder if Voodoo ever stripped to it?

After a short scene in which Rampage finds out that the man she broke out of prison (Ethan) never meant to cure her, the comic book jumps thirty-five years into the future for a short visit with The Joker in Akrham. Brother Eye has a plan for him. Of course, it's a plan that the reader can only speculate about, seeing as how the issue ends before it is revealed.

Being that Infinite Crisis had a half-Batman, half-Joker picture, I suppose they're going to be surgically conjoined.

Futures End #12 Rating: No change. If you're not reading this series, don't worry about picking it up yet. I think it's still on the prologue!

Harley Quinn Invades Comic-con International San Diego #1

I don't even know why I'm doing commentary on this issue.

I figured I'd discuss some of the times I've been to the San Diego Comic-con and maybe scan in a few pictures. That's when I began to realize that my memory is truly, truly awful. I remember going in 2000. I also remember going in 1998. But as I was digging through my shitty memory-abilia box, I discovered a pass to the 1996 Comic-con as well. At that point, I realize that I've conflated the 1996 and 1998 trips but upon realizing they were separate trips, I could remember what was different about each trip. But then I found this pass as well:

I am not Larry Stern and I have never worked for Rising Sun Creations.

My friend and cohort, Upright, was going to school at UCSD and he knew somebody (probably Dan Santat who was his housemate in 96 or 97 or something) who knew somebody who was able to get us these exhibitor passes for Comic-con that year. So even though I have been telling people for years that I went to two Comic-cons, apparently I've been to four: 1996, 1997, 1998, and 2000.

Here are my badges for '96 and '98. I can't find my badge for 2000. It had dinosaurs on it or something. The Chris Ware badge is awesomes.

Anyway, Harley Quinn seems to be going to Comic-con 2014 which is where some of you might actually be right now. Fuck. It's been 14 years since I've been to one? Which means it's been 14 years since I walked out of a panel about the film version of Elfquest. Marv Wolfman is a liar! He assured me it would be out in a few years! The main reason I walked out of the panel though was because there were better things to do at Comic-Con than watching raving Elfquest fans blow the Pinis.

Yay! Ambush Bug the Movie! Boo! Nicolas Cage as Ambush Bug!

Harley has traveled to the Comic-con with her freak show housemates. They're exhibiting something or other. Fifteen years ago, I'd say there were selling toys, games, or comics. But now? They could be selling anything! Comic-con deals with a bit more than comics these days.

Harley, at least, has come to have a fangasm and also to show her comic book art to jerko writers like Gail Simone who will be all, "Oh it's shite, you daft twat!" Oh wait. I think I mixed up Gail Simone with Grant Morrison. Or maybe she'll show her art to Rob Liefeld and he'll be all, "How do you draw so well? Can I trace it?" And then she'll take it over to the DC Booth where the editors will be feverishly Googling "Antarctica" to figure out where the fuck it is. Then she'll go over to Marvel and they'll be, "First sign this contract giving up your movie rights to any character we look at and decide to own." Some of those things might be factually incorrect.

Harley's comic book is called Hurl Girl. I wonder if she ever crosses over with Spewed Dude?

I actually felt bad about taking this picture and not buying anything but what was I supposed to do? I was a broke brokerson! I barely had enough to pay for my garbage bag full of Sailor Scout pornography!

Since it's only Tuesday, Harley has to wander around San Diego eating fish tacos. Although she doesn't eat fish tacos at all. Who goes to San Diego and skips the fish tacos? I mean besides me!

Wednesday is preview night, whatever that means. I don't think they had a preview night back when I was at Comic-con. I don't even think they had a Wednesday night anything back then! I think Wednesday night was for eating the fish tacos.

While looking for the place to pick up her badge, she meets a viking that would like to take her picture. She tells him she would not like her picture taken. That's the way to do it! It's okay to take candid shots of people in costume, sure. But it can also be a bit creepy, depending on how you go about it. So even fourteen years ago, I knew it was best to ask if I could get a picture of somebody instead of just being sneaky. To be fair, I had a real fucking camera back then and not a phone.

Here are some pictures of people I took back in 2000.

I thought this guy in the white shirt was really interesting but fucking Catwoman photobombed my picture.


This is a little known independent hero named Webby Guy or something.


I don't know who this is but I should have found out where she was partying later because she seemed like a lot of fun. Plus, how do you keep a skirt that short in place? Velcro?


I'm not sure if Sailor Saturn was in character or about to kill me.


And finally, here are Seven of Nine and Mr. Spock.

Once Harley gets inside, she makes her way to the DC Comics booth because I think that's the only comic book company booth at the DC Universe Comic-con! It would be weird if she tried to get a job with Marvel, right? I don't think DC has any qualms about showing Marvel editors speaking with Harley. I just think Amanda Connor and Jimmy Palmiotti wouldn't know how to portray normal human beings.

Harley gets kicked out for pantsing Batman which never happened any of the many times I pantsed myself while at the Con. Afterward, Cheetah tells her that The Joker will be waiting for her at a 7 o'clock panel. So she breaks back in and winds up banging a room full of people in Joker costumes.

Or maybe she just made eye contact with them.

Later she has an adventure with a bunch of other Harley Quinns. Then she goes back to the Con. Then she gets kicked out again. Then she goes back. Then she gets kicked out. Then she does more crazy stuff. It's just like being at the real Comic-con! Except with less drugs and goat masturbators!

Notice how DiDio specifically says "south pole" since he, like everyone else at DC Comics, has no idea if the Arctic or the Antarctic is in the southern hemisphere.

Comic book Dan DiDio continues with the smartest decision he's ever made, probably because he's being written by actual writers instead of being allowed to vomit forth his own stupid beliefs and scumbag opinions!

I'd buy that line in a heartbeat! No, faster!

I think Harley Quinn takes a potshot at Marvel after she's hauled away from Dan DiDio but it's hard to tell. Is Marvel not looking for anything New or Original? I'd have to say Marvel and DC both aren't really looking for New and Original. What they're really looking for (and it seems Marvel might be doing this more than DC right now) are just good writers and artists to continue to write the same old fucking characters. Now Image is currently doing some new and original shit all over the place. Which is weird because I remember when Image first formed with the motto: "Let's do what Dave Sim is doing but sell a shit-ton more comics than he'll ever sell with far worse art and stories!" You have to hand it to them, they stuck to that motto and it worked!

Finally on Saturday, Harley wins a portfolio review with Jim Lee! He'll probably look at it and tell her everybody needs more squiggly lines on their faces.

For some reason, he likes Harley's art and then it's Sunday! And Harley meets her heroes, a couple of nobody hacks named Bruce Dini and Paul Timm or something. Who cares! What have they ever done that's ever been important to anybody?! Probably nothing, that's what!

Th-th-th-that's all folks!

New Guardians #33

Carol and Kyle have invaded the Psions' home, so technically this cover should read, "Defense of the Psions!"

When we last saw Carol and Kyle and Quarros and Pokey, they had been trapped aboard the mother ship of the alien race known as the Psions. And all you need to know about the Psions is that they're gigantic assholes that love to experiment on other races because they grew up being experimented on and that's all they know. Are the Psions a cautionary tale about how human life will end due to what rats will become in the future? An angry, sentient, species that became stronger than every other species on Earth due to humans constantly testing cures and procedures on them until they were immune to all disease, able to regenerate body parts, stronger than every other creature on Earth, and could breathe toxic gases? Because that's where we're headed, people! Look at how strong the Guinea Pigs got before we stopped using them for experimentation! If they weren't so fucking skittish, they'd probably have taken over the world by now.

This happens this issue. You know, if anybody was interested.

While Kyle and Carol dry hump each other in their skin-tight outfits, the Bohemian Guardians are being tortured by the Psions. I'd use the phrase "comeuppance" here but I don't know what it means or if I even spelled it correctly.

The Bohemain Guardians are learning slowly, tortuously slowly (because they're being tortured! Like Guinea Pigs! Or like Jews and Heretics and, well, practically everybody in 13th Century Europe!), that the Psions were created by them. They were the lab rats of the Bohemain Guardians and when they were abandoned by them, they just continued on the only path they knew: to make themselves better, hardier, more resistant to everything! And now billions of years later, they're pretty fucking hardy!

That's rich! Did you listen when the little baby ancestor Psions said, "Eeek! Squeak! Eeek! Eeek!" (which translates, roughly, to "Do not touch me!").

I woke up thinking about some particularly bold advice that could possibly truly help young people navigate the artificial structure of our society but then I remembered that I'm tired of being told to check my privilege, so fuck you all. Figure it out yourselves. Continue to wallow in your pain because you've decided that the memory of trauma is the exact same thing as the trauma itself. Go ahead and believe that a multitude of labels are the things that make you an individual as opposed to the real things that make you an individual, like the way you dream of becoming that one thing that nobody else you know dreams of becoming simply because when you think about becoming it, it makes your insides squish over and meltdown in a warm cascade until you feel like your bottom might catch on fire. Try not to remember that you're the person that loves the smell of rain dampened pavement mixed with melted marshmallows in fresh cocoa. Don't think about how you hide pieces of your secret self because you'd be embarrassed for people to know that you love the pungent odors of your body after several days unshowered, and you never want the eczema on your scalp to go away because your body and mind thrills to the way the tiny flakes feel as you slowly pull them from your skin and through your hair. Go ahead and always judge anything anybody says by the way they look and the gender they express and the parts of the body that bring them to a sexual frenzy. Absolutely believe that the things I just said were derogatory and dismissive instead of helpful and freeing. Disbelieve in other individuals because you are the only unique person in the world. And always never remember to tell people to think for themselves because telling people to be themselves is the best advice a person can get from another person.

If you watch a lot of television (and I'm sure you don't because you're not a dimwitted dumb dumb head caught in the patriarchy's mind-numbing light show), you'd be hard pressed to believe that anybody pursues any career at all anymore. It's less important to do things than to inspire people to be inspired and to raise awareness so that people are aware. I'm surprised at how many people hate television and commercials and yet they aspire to a life of being nothing but a fucking commercial themselves.

I probably should have buried these thoughts further into the review so I don't start this commentary all up in the reader's face! And what a beautiful face, might I add! Does that compliment go any way to making up for sounding like a self-righteous dick at the beginning? Anyway, I think it is a good idea to bury this in the middle of the review so now that you're reading this sentence, you'll realize that the preceding paragraphs that came out of nowhere initially began this review of New Guardians! But now they're just interrupting the review. Like a commercial!

Meanwhile, Carol reminds Kyle that after they save the Bohemian Guardians, they're going to have to talk about the dry humping that happened earlier. How come two people can't spontaneously dry hump each other in a scary experimental spacecraft without having to discuss it afterward?! Why must everything be discussed? Why can't we just lose ourselves in pure emotion and then move on to the next purely emotional experience?

I suppose if I were to take my own advice, I'd stop doing long-winded commentaries and just post things like this:

New Guardians #33 Review
Wheeee! SO HAPPY! Squidge! Twiddly diddly doopsie day!

Fuck. Maybe I should take my own advice! That would be so easy!

Kyle and Carol soon realize the ship they're on is a huge laboratory filled with cages housing the results of the Psions alien eugenics experiments. Kyle nearly throws up which, while it might be a natural reaction to seeing a living pile of heads that have been sewn together and are all screaming in pain at the same time, did he ever think how the pile of heads might feel from seeing a person react that way to them? I'm sure they already feel pretty crappy about what's become of them. Do they have to be reminded that their physical appearance is now so hideous that it causes uncontrollable vomiting in the people they meet? So rude, Kyle.

Off in another part of the ship, Pokey (or whichever Bohemian has the googles. Fuck if I can keep them straight) gets an advanced course in "How the Guardians Fucked Up, Part One: The Psions." He learns the Oans took some caterpillars, injected them with a stupid drug that probably made them use 100% of their brainpower because that continues to be a stupid fucking sci-fi myth that I'd thought we'd all gotten past until that ridiculous Lucy movie started airing ads on television, and turned them into sentient monsters! And now they will do the same for the rest of the universe! Bwa ha ha ha! It seems that revelation would have more impact if I hadn't been mentioning it over and over again since I first read "Psions" on the cover of the last issue of this comic book.

And then Kyle and Carol find Quaros.

Worst spa ever.

New Guardians #33 Rating: No change. Hopefully after the Psions are defeated, we'll get a five issue story arc where Carol and Kyle simply discuss their relationship. I'm not saying it would be riveting but I bet it would still sell more copies each month than Cerebus sold every month during its last story arc, The Last Day. Talk about the wheels falling off of a thing with wheels! I should do some in-depth commentary on Dave Sim's entire run of Cerebus. That thing is fascinating on so many levels: pop culture satire, commentary on history and religion, feminist criticism, and the slow meltdown of a comic book creator as he loses himself in a heady mix of Islam, Judaism, and Christianity, not to mention his own narcissism. I still own all the Cerebus Phone Books but sold many of the individual issues which is too bad because his responses to letters and his commentaries in the backs of the single issues help the reader to see when and how each wheel comes off the thing with the wheels (Cerebus! Okay, it has metaphorical wheels! It's just a vehicle in a not very literal sense!). I wonder if he ever published an appendix Cerebus Phone Book with all the stuff he wrote in the backs of the individual issues? I'd actually throw more money at him to own those as well!

Supergirl #33

DC Comics: "Don't forget our Wildstorm line of entertainment products!"

Supergirl needs some new friends and the Wildstorm characters need a title where they can get their feats in the door! That was a pun! Some people say punning is the last refuge of that one friend that annoys the fuck out of you and still thinks Disco Duck was the greatest song ever to be heard on the radio. It wasn't.

Popular Culture History Lesson #1: Disco Duck was an actual song that was played on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #2: Listening to the radio became a game of Audio Russian Roulette when Disco Duck began playing on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #3: The radio fell out of favor with everybody everywhere as soon as Disco Duck was first heard on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #4: Rick Dees was a radio DJ that knew a guy who could do "a really fucking great Donald Duck impression" and somehow decided that should be turned into a fucking song. Nobody stopped him. God help us, nobody stopped him. Instead, people encouraged and helped him.

Multidimensional Popular Culture Lesson #1: The world was destroyed in 65% of alternate universes in which this song was played on the radio. The other 35% limped through a catastrophic existence with a blighted populace that had lost all sense of innocence and hope. Later generations didn't even know the song existed but in much the same way traffic continues to slow long after a crash has been cleared, they continue to feel and sense the despair and sense of loss created by this event. They think their futures have been ruined by out of control corporations and unthinking politicians and racial strife and sexual bigotry. They rally and fight and try to change their world, never realizing that the fight has long been over because of a stupid fucking song they've never even heard of. Good luck, children. I wish you well and hope you can rekindle a sense of belief and rebuild yourselves into a kind and gentle humankind. Though I doubt it is possible. I sincerely doubt for not only have I heard the song but my Aunt owned the record and played it incessantly for several Goddamned terrifying months.

Holy shit I think I've just retraumatized myself.

Um. Never mind all that. What was I talking about? Oh! Supergirl and her loneliness! She needs friends and it looks like Wildstorm characters are going to be her new friends! I hope she doesn't forget about Silver Banshee.

Tony Bedard Lobdellizes this issue's first page.

Supergirl battles the Kryptonian Armor Thing known as Worldkiller-1 as she steadily becomes poisoned by the Kryptonite in the atmosphere. How did the American military get their hands on so much Kryptonite? I thought barely any existed on Earth and Ultraman snorted most of that. But suddenly the military has enough to poison the Earth's entire atmosphere? Something's not right with the editors at DC Comics. If you don't give a shit about continuity, please stop pretending to give a shit about continuity and let the writers run free! I want to hear stories written by writers who want to write the stories they come up with rather than writers being forced to write the story ideas that the stupid, lazy, horrible DC Editors come up with! Not that I'm complaining about this story! Fuck it, I don't even care where all of this Kryptonite came from! I'm just looking to bitch and moan about something.

Speaking of continuity problems, the bomb exploded over Atacama Desert in Chile. Why am I better at the DC Editors' jobs than they are?!

As you can see above, the DC Editors suck. Also, you can see that Supergirl allowed Worldkiller-1 to merge with her so she can save the people of Earth by flying straight into Ground Zero of the Kryptonite Bomb! Well, the incorrect Ground Zero but forget about that! That's just a minor nitpick and I don't want to ruin my mood which is generally upbeat while reading Supergirl. Plus I have a cookie! If I allow DC Comics to spoil my cookie then the terrible editors win.

Worldkiller-1 sloughs off Supergirl because I love the word slough. I hope nobody ever starts using it as a derogatory term for a minority so that we all have to pretend to stop saying it! She then uses her Red Lantern Ring to hyperjump to the sun. That's a thing that Lantern rings can do? I don't get why everybody needs the stupid Indigo Lanterns to teleport them everywhere if Lantern rings can hyperjump and access pocket universes which are really just portals to planets that keep Power Batteries for safekeeping.

Supergirl flies into the sun to save a day! Not the day because this is just one day where the end of the world is being threatened. There will be plenty more of these kinds of days tomorrow.

Superman has survived being in the center of at least three suns, so I think Supergirl should be okay. Even if her heart bursts from Red Ring Removal, she's in the nourishing flames of a yellow sun!

When does the Wildstorm Crew show up? Maybe they're living in a van inside the sun!

Enh. Fuck the scale of the solar system. DC's Editors can't even tell Antarctica from the Arctic.

Supergirl revives inside the sun, flies out, grabs Worldkiller-1 by the entrails and tosses him into the sun. And finally, after 33 issues, Supergirl has her groove back! She's ready to make Earth work and have lots of girly adventures where she goes on dates with hot college men and tee hees at their jokes and gets a job working at a drive thru coffee kiosk!

But wait! Even though that was twenty pages of comic book for only $2.99, there are still two pages left! It's not much of two pages and I'm not sure what Fairchild has against Kryptonians, but she has finally finished destroying all the clones of herself created by the young clone of Niles Caulder. And now she's hoping the rest of her Gen 13 team can kill Superboy! If Burnmaker, Rainfall, Freeout, and Grunge are the team of Gen 13. I've never read it so I'm completely ignorant on the subject.

Supergirl #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really not entirely sure how it happened but Supergirl has won my heart and some of the things in my pants. Right around when I first got serious about reading comic books, I read the death of Supergirl in Crisis on Infinite Earths and I really didn't give any fucks. But now I feel bad about not caring! This comic book can only get better with Supergirl living an upbeat life on Earth and making new friends and moving back in with Silver Banshee. I sure hope we've seen the last of little old angry Kara.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33

I wonder if Ed Benes has ever seen a woman with average sized breasts?

I'm currently reading Lolita because I have some huge gaps in my first-hand knowledge of some of the more popular books by successful novelists. I've seen some film version of Lolita that I can hardly remember and I know, from that, how creepy and icky the main character Humbert Humbert was. But I don't remember the film version playing him as quite the pedo he actually is in the book. It seemed to downplay that and focus solely on a middle aged man ruining his life by falling in love with a very young girl. And having sex with her! Don't forget the bit where he's constantly manipulating and fucking her! I mean, sure, that seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy is a pedo!" But it also seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy just made a little mistake that we all could easily make, given certain circumstances and various dark moods." Although I really don't remember the film, so I probably shouldn't be speaking on it without any clarity of how it really seemed to portray him.

Anyway, I'm only twenty-nine pages in and Nabokov makes sure the reader knows unequivocally, through Humbert Humbert's own words and actions, that he is absolutely a pedophile. Here's a short moment that really allows the reader to identify with Humbert Humbert:

I remember handling an automatic belonging to a fellow student, in the days (I have spoken of them, I think, but never mind) when I toyed with the idea of enjoying his little sister, a most diaphanous nymphet with a black hair bow, and then shooting myself.

See? If you aren't already on Humbert's side at this point, Nabokov continues with the thought that led him to this remembrance:

I now wondered if Valechka [Humbert's wife who just revealed she was in love with another man because Humbert Humbert certainly hasn't been showing any interest in her unless she completely shaved her body, strapped down her bosoms, and wore a young girl's nightshirt.] (as the colonel called her) was really worth shooting, or strangling, or drowning. She had very vulnerable legs, and I decided I would limit myself to hurting her very horribly as soon as we were alone.

At this point, the reader must be thinking, "What a man of conviction! A man with a take charge, can-do attitude! No wonder Lolita falls in love with him! He's such a strong, adult male role model, something like a caretaker that was missing from her childhood or something but which she really needed."

Of course nobody is thinking that nor, do I think, anybody picks up Lolita to be surprised that the main character, who manipulates and corrupts a young girl, is going to be a likable, heroic everyman. But I have to say that if the movie is how I remember it (and I don't know that it is!), it's doing a disservice to the book by not revealing Humbert Humbert for the predator he is, and has been, for his entire life leading up to meeting Lolita. It's also quite probable that I missed the entire first half of the movie where that shit was played up and explained! Like I said, I probably shouldn't be comparing one thing that I've barely even begun to read with another thing that I barely remember.

Bah, why not though, right? America!

One last note about Nabokov's writing before I discuss Scott Lobdell's writing which is the complete antithesis to Nabokov's. I don't really enjoy writing character driven fiction. I just don't have the patience to show a character's character through their actions. I just want to put a gigantic arrow over their head that says "ASSHOLE!" or "NOBLE" or "SHEEP-FUCKER!" But I do enjoy the act of writing critiques on pretty much anything and everything. Short stories are fine too although they tend to revolve around a central philosophical idea rather than being driven by the characters. Anyway, I said I wanted to say something about Nabokov's writing, didn't I? Let me start by saying something about H.P. Lovecraft's writing! When I read Lovecraft, he makes me want to write. I tend to begin writing projects in my head spurred on by Lovecraft's prose and then realize I've read a page or two of Lovecraft without any memory of what I'd read because I was lost in my own writing projects. But Nabokov's writing makes me want to destroy all the typewriters in the world and hang myself. He's just so fucking good at the words. He make me hate mine ability to put things. Bad Nabokov! BAD!

Maybe that's why aspiring writers need a genius like Scott Lobdell! He stands tall and shouts, "Look at my works, ye less than mighty, and hope!" And with that, let us see what horrible turns of phrase and poorly written characterizations Lobdell has for us this month!

I've only just read the title and I've already choked on my own bile and shit myself a little bit.

The issue begins with a look back at Starfire's past after she freed herself from whatever aliens had enslaved her. I think all of them. You know, Daemonites, Czarnians, Thanagarians, Citadelians, Otakus, The Penile-Headed People of Vega III, the Tamaraneans, and probably all the others I can't remember at the moment. She's on a "goodwill" tour (hence the stupid name of the issue!) through the "Peace Corridor." I suppose the "Peace Corridor" is so named because it's not really peaceful at all. It's probably only peaceful because all the aliens which live within it are oppressed and forced to smile or else they're taken out back to an asteroid to be shot.

As we soon find out, even stupid faced cat guards that normally don't think about anything but guarding stuff know something isn't quite as it seems with Starfire's "Good Will Hurting" tour.

I didn't realize the cat people of Eseru Prime had opium and Groucho Marx.

The real opiate of the masses is free speech. As long as people feel like they have a voice and can post misogynist comments on YouTube videos, they feel free and in control! And as such, there is no need for rebellion or a desire to change the system. The most dangerous thing a society can do is tell people that they can't say certain things or use specific words in a game of Scrabble. That's when all hell breaks loose and the walls come crumbling down! A nice side effect of free speech being the opiate of the masses is all the infighting that occurs with the citizens of a country as they argue about which words are appropriate for general usage and which words shouldn't be said by anybody. While the populace bickers about trying to control an uncontrollable monster like language, the power hungry bastards trying to ru(i)n everything sit back and shove cigars up their asses! That's how the Reptilian Elite smoke cigars. It's a fact!

Look! An error in a Scott Lobdell comic book! *point emphatically*

Textual errors are the opiates of Scott Lobdell's writing. While everybody is distracted with the typos and homophone mistakes, nobody notices how awful everything else about Lobdell's script actually is.

Horrible feet are the opiates of Rob Liefeld's drawings. People complain so much about his inability to draw feet that they miss the bigger picture: he can't draw anything!

One thing Scott Lobdell has done this month that I approve of is his use of thought bubbles for Starfire's voice over Narration Boxes. That means her thoughts are in the moment instead of being spoken by some odd future version of her that already knows how this story ends. He has also chosen to go with the omniscient narrator for the voice in the Narration Boxes. Lobdell is just making old school choices all over the place!

I do wish that he'd stop using "so-called" to describe nearly everything though.

Anyway, Starfire is investigating some strange goings onses in the Aforementioned Catacombs beneath the Royal Palace. That's a strange name for a series of catacombs but who am I to judge what an alien race of cat people call things? Although I would have expected something like Vile String Catacombs or Ephemeral Red Laser Bug Catacombs or Shiny Shiny Shiny What Was I Doing Catacombs or Pet My Tummy Now You're Going To Die Catacombs or This Food Sucks I'm Going To Eat My Litter Now Catacombs or In Then Out Then In Then Out Then In Then Out Catacombs. Oh, that reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time ago.

The Cat
By Grunion Guy

Eat. Sleep.
Sleep. Eat.
It's in my seat.

Within the Aforementioned Catacombs are dozens of slaves! Kori has come to free them which she does. She frees them. She frees them all! Helping her are the crew of the Starfire, Depalo the Dominator and Kitt'n the Sexually Lubricated. Sorry. That sounded disgusting. I apologize for typing it and then not deleting it and then uploading it to the internet and then slipping it into the text sideways so that it waylaid you and you had to read it. My bad.

Anyway, Kori traveled up and down the Peace Corridor for years rescuing slaves on each of her "Goodwill Hurting" Tour stops. I guess interstellar communication and good old detective work hadn't been invented yet in the Peace Corridors since, for years, nobody ever noticed the pattern. Princess Kori stops by to tell everybody everything will be okay and then, later that night, all the slaves escape. I think I might have noticed that pattern after about one year or so, depending on how many stops she made each month. But then I'm as good a detective as Batman and also an Earthling, so I'm obviously smarter than any aliens. It's the ability to feel emotion and the never give up attitude of Earthlings that make us special, you know! At least that's what popular science fiction has taught me.

S.H.A.D.E. stands for that? I could see A.G.O.G.S.M.A.M.T.H.O.M.A.M. standing for that. But not S.H.A.D.E.

Kori has exited for from the Ant Farm leaving Red Hood and Roy Harper to figure out why she freaked out. I bet it has something to do with her Goodwill Hurting Tour!

Red Hood has more than one six? Is he extra-dimensional?

Within the capsule that arrived at the Ant Farm with a hologram saying, "Save us Kori. You're our only hope," are a bunch of dead alien slaves. Roy Harper starts throwing punches because Langstrom says something that upsets him (reasonable!) which forces Dr. Langstrom to turn into Man-bat so the Outlaws will fall in line. Jason Todd is surprised by this revelation because he never did his Bat-Homework. Also because I guess in The New 52 timeline, Men-bat are more associated with the League of Assassins than Kirk Langstrom.

Meanwhile Starfire finds herself in Mos Eisley looking for some information. She's not very subtle about it because she learned about extracting information from Jason Todd and Roy Harper. So instead of learning anything, she just finds herself in the middle of a battle with a whole bunch of aliens. But that battle will take place next week, same Red Hood Time, same Red Hood channel!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33 Rating: No change. Holy Vatican Shit Stains, Popeman! I actually didn't despise a comic book by Scott Lobdell! Sure, there were some amateurish mistakes and a heavy reliance on common tropes and character reactions but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's a story that makes sense and is driven by Starfire's history and experience. And I applaud Scott Lobdell for not making me suffer through page after page of Roy Harper Narration Boxes. I think he's beginning to take my advice by bringing back thought bubbles and omniscient narrators (within limits, of course! Nobody likes those old school Narration Boxes that just describe what you can already see happening in the panel). The only thing I really despised about this comic book was the cover. What the fuck was that? It's not alluring. It doesn't draw my attention. It has no personality. It's just the three main characters engaged in action packing! That's something people engage in, right? Boring!

Batwoman #33

Why didn't "Murderbang" make the cover? Or was his name "Slaypow"? "Deathbullet"? "Gunviolence"?

I currently have too many followers which isn't good for the environment. The more people that read my blog, the more bandwidth is used. The more bandwidth used, the more air conditioners have to be set up to cool the servers housing my spectacularly interesting blog posts. The more air conditioners blowing, the more energy used. The more energy used, the more...well, I don't know. I think eventually one of my sentences winds up pointing out how we're doing something negative to the environment. Not that anybody particularly cares about the environment! But they do care about living and it's nice to maintain an environment that sustains human life. So for my part in helping maintain a lower humidity living environment, I'm going to have to say some very unpopular things so that followers will get angry with me and stop following. Be prepared to be shocked and offended!

Puppies are fugly assholes.

Capitalism is simply communism with more expensive make-up on.

Your side of the political debate is full of insincere pleas and poorly thought out ideas.

Reality television shows are fantastic and unmatched forms of entertainment.

Marvel comics are way better than DC Comics and always have been at all times forever.

The original Star Wars movie was a piece of shit.

Homosexual sex is for queers.

The three most contentious religions on the planet all believe in the same God. You know the one. The one that spoke with Abraham. It's the same God, you dodo-heads! Does everyone just believe God thought it would be funny to send different prophets with different messages to all of Abraham's various descendents? Actually, I think He was just trying to keep his word but Abraham was a fucking dick so everything got all screwed up.

God: "Hey Abraham! Your descendants shall rule nations and shit!"
Abraham: "Cool! You hear that Ishmael? Isaac? You guys are going to be big shots!"
Sarah: "Abraham! Get that maid's son out of my sight, you pecker! He's ruining Isaac's party!"
Abraham: "Okay, Ishmael. You heard your shrew. I mean mom! You're on your own now. Get the fuck out of my house."
God: "Wait. What?! Medammit! Are you sure you want to do that, Abe? I promised him a kingdom, you know? Are you sure you want a kingdom as powerful as Isaac's kingdom but run by a guy with severe daddy issues? It'll be right next door, you know?"
Abraham: "Look, God. You don't have to live with Sarah. Let future generations deal with any problems. By the way, did you have to change her name to 'princess'? Went straight to her fucking head, it did."

That should do it! On to Batwoman now!

Kate Kane has a dream that she's a vampire and she, alongside Nocturna, attacked Maggie and her daughter, Jaime.

Or was it a dream?! Usually if you dream you are a vampire and you've attacked someone, it wasn't a dream at all. That's how vampirism works!

Meanwhile, Killshot is somehow living under the impression that he has a cool name. He's also being paid to not assassinate Nocturna. Actually, he's being paid to assassinate her but not when he has the opportunity but when "Miss Witherspoon" says he can. I think Miss Witherspoon is Sophie, Kate's ex, but I can't be certain because my memory with names isn't so great. I'm much better with faces but since Miss Witherspoon currently has guacamole and cucumbers on her face, I don't recognize her.

While Nocturna sexes up a society function, Kate Kane decides to seek invaluable wisdom from her psychiatrist.

Oh yeah. That's money well spent.

It actually doesn't matter how good Kate's psychiatrist is since she's not really letting go and embracing the process. So he can say as much obvious bullshit as he wants and it's not going to matter. Kate needs a psychiatrist that deals exclusively with superheroes so she can be honest with her. I'm sure one must exist somewhere. Probably a supervillain though.

This format worked earlier, so why not stick with it: While Nocturna sexes up the man she met at the society function, Kate Kane calls Maggie's ex-husband because she can't help making situations worse than they already are. She might need therapy. Um, proper therapy! Not some guy that says things like, "Dreams aren't really real!" and "Perhaps you have ze issues mit Ihre Mutter?"

Jesus Christ! Are you not even listening to your therapist? Remember how you have a problem with control issues? Fucking narcissist! You did not cause the relationship problems between these people and you do not have to solve them either!

Nocturna's brand new fiancé winds up getting shot by Killshot because he sucks at the aiming part of shooting people with a rifle. At least his name holds true and the person he shoots, he kills. Perhaps "Crackshot" would have been a better moniker to work toward? Or "Deadeye"? But for now, he's just a useless twat amongst a city full of people that are more than capable of shooting the correct person.

Batwoman hears the shot and descends upon Killshot like a Batman. But there's a complication since Night-Thief descends upon Killshot like a Batman as well. Night-Thief might be a worse name than Killshot. I wouldn't have guessed Marc Andreyko was going to try to come up with a shittier name but he went for it and succeeded! Nice one!

Oh, and then Nocturna descends upon all the descending Batmen like a descending Batman. But the big fight won't come until next issue. And by "the big fight," I mean when Maggie finds out Kate called her ex-husband.

Batwoman #33 Rating: No change. I sure wish Batwoman made better decisions in her life! No wonder she loves running around as Batwoman since she feels in control as that persona. In her personal life, she's trying to control everything but failing miserably because she seems to forget that other people are, in fact, other people! They get to make decisions and mistakes all by themselves! I don't think Kate needs a therapist; I think she needs a pot brownie every now and again. Chill out, lady!

What are the laws regarding pot in Gotham? And if they're lenient, what does Batman think of them?

Robin Rises Omega #1

The first thing on my mind, seeing how the last issue of Batman and Robin ended with Glorious Godfrey's sudden appearance, is this: "What the fuck does Apokolips want with Damian Wayne?" Actually the first thing on my mind is, "Why can I not get any sleep? I have to work all night tonight and I'm running on fumes here?" and "Am I in any condition to take this comic book seriously?" and "What has become of my life?" and "I'd really like to eat a pizza covered in tacos right now."

The next thing I think (I'd say second thing but I just listed a whole bunch of shit, so it's probably more like the tenth or fifteenth), as I open this comic book, is this: "Why does the cover call this book 'Robin Rises Omega' when the title page clearly states that it's called 'Robin Rises Red Dawn Omega'?"

And now I'm second guessing whether or not I should be reviewing comic books. Shouldn't I be making declarative statements about the text and art instead of asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question (the most rhetorical of them all being the "What has become of my life?" question because I damn well know what's become of my life and the only thing that can ease the shame and guilt I feel due to my horrible decisions is a taco pizza)? Okay. Time to saddle up my self-confidence and take the bull by the horse! Now, where did I put that saddle? Come to think of it, where the hell did I leave my self-confidence?! Oh yeah, I remember. College.

This issue begins with Batman learning an important lesson about taking the used Bat-condom with him instead of dumping it in the bathroom wastebasket tucked into an empty toilet paper roll.

I thought Batman always fucked with the cowl on. "DON'T LOOK AT MY FACE!"

As Batman continues the Damian Wayne history lesson, he acknowledges that he was once struck by an Omega Beam and lost in time. I don't have an issue with DC's reboot but it's moments like this where DC really gets into trouble. Because this single moment knocks down a hell of a lot of Preboot dominoes that will lead fans to ask a lot of questions that DC probably doesn't want them asking. Best to just assume that Batman was trying to put together an Ikea Bedroom set for Damian when he knocked over what he thought was a cool nightlight he let Damian use but which actually turned out to be a weapon from Apokolips which went off and blasted him in the face. Then when Dick took over the role of Batman for a year, he probably just sat around Wayne Manor playing video games with Damian instead of going on all the Preboot adventures he supposedly went on with Damian. That's why Damian likes Dick so much! Because they just sat around eating candy and playing video games while living off the fat inheritance they both got from Bruce's death.

Batman covers some of the highlights of his life with Damain since The New 52 began. It's a nice refresher if you ignore the fact that it's Tomasi pointing out what a great job Tomasi did writing Batman and Robin over the last couple of years. Aw, he deserves to pat himself on the back! Batman and Robin has consistently been the most heartfelt book of The New 52, which is strange since it's also been the book with the most on-panel decapitations!

And after the recap is over, back to the confrontation between Godfrey and Batman!

Godfrey doesn't want Damian Wayne, so that answers the least important of the questions I asked earlier. Godfrey is searching for a fragment of the Chaos Shard. It sounds like he's describing the crystal last seen on Earth-2 in the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman. Did Batman come home with a piece of it? Or perhaps the Chaos Shard splintered into all of the 52 universes? Perhaps the crystal Ra's has been using on the Lazarus Pits is the fragment Godfrey is looking for.

Which it is and the crystal is currently in Damian's casket. Whoops.

Doesn't Frankenstein get a say?

A battle breaks out and it's a good thing Batman has Frankenstein and Ra's on his side since they have no qualms about killing. I don't know what Batman's policy on killing parademons is but I think it's fairly liberal. Superman definitely didn't have a problem with killing them back when he first encountered them in Justice League. But will Batman kill invading aliens that look human, like Godfrey and his armored warriors? I think he'd have to resort to broken jaws and bruised internal organs for those guys.

Even after this panel, I'm not sure how Batman feels about killing parademons. I'm fairly certain he's done worse than this to one of the Tweedle brothers.

Now how is all of this fighting going to result in the resurrection of Damian? Ra's already soaked him in the pit that should bring him back to life in 24 hours but without his memory. So if the contents of the sarcophagus are spilled before then, does that mean he'll retain his memory but be kind of decayed and gross? Or perhaps Godfrey will sprinkle a little anti-life equation on Damian and Talia so that they'll step out of the caskets, leaving him free to retrieve the Chaos Shard without Ra's and Bats getting all pissy.

During the fight, four extra chunky Parademons fly off with the caskets and Frankenstein. Ra's and Batman hitch a ride on the caskets and in the ensuing sky battle, Frankenstein loses an arm while Ra's and Talia plummet into a crevice in the ice. Batman crashes to the ground with Damian's casket which comes open enough to dislodge the Chaos Shard. Batman picks it up and remembers his trip to Earth-2 while also getting a memory of the future in which Damain saves everyone. And then Godfrey arrives, takes the crystal and is about to shoot Batman in the head. He doesn't make a long-winded speech but he does speak just a little bit too long, allowing the Justice League to arrive! And Captain Cold saves Batman's life because Captain Cold is the best member of the Justice League ever.

You want to know who the worst member is? In all continuities ever? You probably think I'm going to say Vibe or Steel or Godiva, aren't you? Oh, who am I kidding! You all know I'm going to say Aquaman!

But...but...but...they were in the mountains near Nanda Parbat? Where did these Killer Whales come from? What is going on?! What kind of a horrible taskmaster is Aquaman that he'd make these whales trek up the mountain side to hide under the ice and wait for his command to spring this trap?! Poor whales! Aquaman is a dick!

While the Justice League saves Batman, they aren't able to stop Godfrey from taking Damian's body back to Apokolips. Looks like it's time for a cosmic road trip! Maybe Wonder Woman can help Batman get a lift. Will the next issue of Batman and Robin be Batman and Orion?

After all this time coming to terms with Robin's death, finally putting it behind him and accepting it, all it takes is one minor hallucination that Damian still has a part to play in some cosmic odyssey and Batman's back on the obsession train. Woo woo! Next stop Apokolips!

Robin Rises Omega #1 Rating: Normally I love to complain when a comic book spends page after page going back over previous history. But I thought it was well done and this is actually a really good book for new readers to begin following one of DC's most consistently well-written books of The New 52. It seems like it wouldn't be a jumping on point at all but the beginning of this issue covers Batman and Robin #1-32 and Batman Incorporated #1-12 thoroughly enough that I'm now upset that I spent all that money on them. I could have gotten away with spending just $4.99?! Fuck!