Supergirl #33

DC Comics: "Don't forget our Wildstorm line of entertainment products!"

Supergirl needs some new friends and the Wildstorm characters need a title where they can get their feats in the door! That was a pun! Some people say punning is the last refuge of that one friend that annoys the fuck out of you and still thinks Disco Duck was the greatest song ever to be heard on the radio. It wasn't.

Popular Culture History Lesson #1: Disco Duck was an actual song that was played on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #2: Listening to the radio became a game of Audio Russian Roulette when Disco Duck began playing on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #3: The radio fell out of favor with everybody everywhere as soon as Disco Duck was first heard on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #4: Rick Dees was a radio DJ that knew a guy who could do "a really fucking great Donald Duck impression" and somehow decided that should be turned into a fucking song. Nobody stopped him. God help us, nobody stopped him. Instead, people encouraged and helped him.

Multidimensional Popular Culture Lesson #1: The world was destroyed in 65% of alternate universes in which this song was played on the radio. The other 35% limped through a catastrophic existence with a blighted populace that had lost all sense of innocence and hope. Later generations didn't even know the song existed but in much the same way traffic continues to slow long after a crash has been cleared, they continue to feel and sense the despair and sense of loss created by this event. They think their futures have been ruined by out of control corporations and unthinking politicians and racial strife and sexual bigotry. They rally and fight and try to change their world, never realizing that the fight has long been over because of a stupid fucking song they've never even heard of. Good luck, children. I wish you well and hope you can rekindle a sense of belief and rebuild yourselves into a kind and gentle humankind. Though I doubt it is possible. I sincerely doubt for not only have I heard the song but my Aunt owned the record and played it incessantly for several Goddamned terrifying months.

Holy shit I think I've just retraumatized myself.

Um. Never mind all that. What was I talking about? Oh! Supergirl and her loneliness! She needs friends and it looks like Wildstorm characters are going to be her new friends! I hope she doesn't forget about Silver Banshee.

Tony Bedard Lobdellizes this issue's first page.

Supergirl battles the Kryptonian Armor Thing known as Worldkiller-1 as she steadily becomes poisoned by the Kryptonite in the atmosphere. How did the American military get their hands on so much Kryptonite? I thought barely any existed on Earth and Ultraman snorted most of that. But suddenly the military has enough to poison the Earth's entire atmosphere? Something's not right with the editors at DC Comics. If you don't give a shit about continuity, please stop pretending to give a shit about continuity and let the writers run free! I want to hear stories written by writers who want to write the stories they come up with rather than writers being forced to write the story ideas that the stupid, lazy, horrible DC Editors come up with! Not that I'm complaining about this story! Fuck it, I don't even care where all of this Kryptonite came from! I'm just looking to bitch and moan about something.

Speaking of continuity problems, the bomb exploded over Atacama Desert in Chile. Why am I better at the DC Editors' jobs than they are?!

As you can see above, the DC Editors suck. Also, you can see that Supergirl allowed Worldkiller-1 to merge with her so she can save the people of Earth by flying straight into Ground Zero of the Kryptonite Bomb! Well, the incorrect Ground Zero but forget about that! That's just a minor nitpick and I don't want to ruin my mood which is generally upbeat while reading Supergirl. Plus I have a cookie! If I allow DC Comics to spoil my cookie then the terrible editors win.

Worldkiller-1 sloughs off Supergirl because I love the word slough. I hope nobody ever starts using it as a derogatory term for a minority so that we all have to pretend to stop saying it! She then uses her Red Lantern Ring to hyperjump to the sun. That's a thing that Lantern rings can do? I don't get why everybody needs the stupid Indigo Lanterns to teleport them everywhere if Lantern rings can hyperjump and access pocket universes which are really just portals to planets that keep Power Batteries for safekeeping.

Supergirl flies into the sun to save a day! Not the day because this is just one day where the end of the world is being threatened. There will be plenty more of these kinds of days tomorrow.

Superman has survived being in the center of at least three suns, so I think Supergirl should be okay. Even if her heart bursts from Red Ring Removal, she's in the nourishing flames of a yellow sun!

When does the Wildstorm Crew show up? Maybe they're living in a van inside the sun!

Enh. Fuck the scale of the solar system. DC's Editors can't even tell Antarctica from the Arctic.

Supergirl revives inside the sun, flies out, grabs Worldkiller-1 by the entrails and tosses him into the sun. And finally, after 33 issues, Supergirl has her groove back! She's ready to make Earth work and have lots of girly adventures where she goes on dates with hot college men and tee hees at their jokes and gets a job working at a drive thru coffee kiosk!

But wait! Even though that was twenty pages of comic book for only $2.99, there are still two pages left! It's not much of two pages and I'm not sure what Fairchild has against Kryptonians, but she has finally finished destroying all the clones of herself created by the young clone of Niles Caulder. And now she's hoping the rest of her Gen 13 team can kill Superboy! If Burnmaker, Rainfall, Freeout, and Grunge are the team of Gen 13. I've never read it so I'm completely ignorant on the subject.

Supergirl #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really not entirely sure how it happened but Supergirl has won my heart and some of the things in my pants. Right around when I first got serious about reading comic books, I read the death of Supergirl in Crisis on Infinite Earths and I really didn't give any fucks. But now I feel bad about not caring! This comic book can only get better with Supergirl living an upbeat life on Earth and making new friends and moving back in with Silver Banshee. I sure hope we've seen the last of little old angry Kara.

All Star Western #26

As far as sidekicks go, I prefer Amadeus over Gina. Also as far as romantic foils go.

My 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Thorne, had a record player in her classroom. She had a case for holding records in the back of the class. I'm not sure who stocked the records but I can't imagine it was her. I suppose she let people bring in records and she didn't really pay them much heed because one of those records was an AC/DC record. In my mind, I've always thought it was "Highway to Hell" but when I just tried to find the image I remember from way back when I was eight or nine years old, "Highway to Hell" was not it. I've always known the cover to "Highway to Hell" was the one with Angus having horns and shit but I assumed the image I remembered was from the back cover or an inside sleeve. But now Lord Google has allowed me to correct my memory and realize the album was "If You Want Blood." So for those of you that don't know the back cover to "If You Want Blood," this was the image burned into my little kid brain thanks to my 4th Grade teacher and whoever brought in this record.

The front image isn't any better but this is what I specifically recall!

So if you ever really want to know the major difference between elementary school in the 1970s and now, realize that this wasn't a big fucking deal back then. I also learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons in my 5th Grade Gifted and Talented Education class. I wonder if I went to a Satanic Elementary School? That would make sense! No wonder I had Speech Therapy in 1st and 2nd Grade where they taught me the correct pronunciation of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

So anyhoot and otter-holler, All Star Western #26 begins back in the past where the comic book forgot it was supposed to be taking place for the last few months. It seems we're due a glimpse into what's been happening with Tallulah Black if'n ya don't think too linear-like about time or nothin'.

Looks like she's been hittin' the vittles something hard.

The title of this issue (which you can read for yourself in the above scan) puts doubt in my mind as to the veracity of the tale I'm about to read. Perhaps Tallulah is pregnant with Jonah's child. Or maybe she was but then won't be once things go back to the way they should. Meaning Jonah returns to the old west. Or perhaps this is just one little secret that Jonah will learn about once the Swamp Thing stops attacking him and Jonah sets foot in the House of Secrets. Or maybe Jonah will get to meet his future progeny!

Tallulah is off to get married (which is why she needs a preacher, I reckon!) and the groom just happens to be Jonah Hex. Hmm. Remember that title! Something weird is going on here!

Yes indeedy. Something a might bit strange and peculiar.

As the ceremony is coming to a close, the bride, the groom, and the Strangel wind up in a Mexican standoff. Although each participant has two guns and so has one gun trained on each of the other members, so it's not quite as standoffish as one where each participant only has one gun. I mean, in this case, you can kill both of the other members at the same time! Although everybody is likely to probably get shot in the face as soon as one person panics and everything goes to hell. So I think calling this a Mexican Standoff is still apt.

Tallulah and Jonah kill everybody in the church, and then Jonah kills Tallulah, and then Jonah wakes up from the hellish nightmare (what else would you call your own wedding?) to find he's once again being drawn by Moritat. He's also covered in Swamp Thing's Purple Blossoms. Yes, that's just as disgustingly sexy as it sounds.

Swamp Thing continues to remain in a fugue state so Jonah has to go fetch Constantine who's nearby having sex with a woman he met at Burning Man.

Not everything is a reference to Little Shop of Horrors, John. Most everything. But not everything.

Apparently this is a bit of a tie-in to Batman Loves Superman. These are Mongul's Purple Mercy Monster Blossoms that have caused that comic book series to go sideways. I hope that doesn't happen here because I already have a hard enough time comfortably reading a comic book the normal way up. I just want them to enter The House of Secrets already! I wonder if Rain is still witnessing there? I hope so! *swoon*

Constantine stomps the Ever Lovin' Purple Mercy Shit out of The Swamp Thing and he recovers just fine. That's when Swamp Thing goes, "Oh yeah! The House of Secrets, right? It's in Metropolis. I probably should have said that earlier before we got hung up in a mini-crossover with Batman Loves Superman. Sorry! Anyway, on your way!"

So Jonah Hex and Gina head on their way. But Jonah is being a dick to Gina because I think he's feeling a bit guilty about ditching Tallulah who might be pregnant, now that he's been forced to think about it a bit. But Gina puts him in his place like the women other than Tallulah Black from the 19th Century never would and he remembers why he likes Tallulah so much. And, of course, why he likes Gina as well.

See, Amadeus? This is what you could have had if you hadn't been so mousey and whiny!

So after however long sex with Jonah Hex takes (one week?), the duo find themselves in a shoot-out in Metropolis. But nobody gets hit by any bullets because there's this guy living there that is supposedly faster than those.

Yeah! This guy!

All Star Western #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. So while it would have felt like the first half of this comic book was just a waste of space in a comic book I don't like, it was enjoyable to see Jonah Hex's fevered Space Opium Dream. Besides, Mongul's little flowers supposedly show people their fondest dreams and they usually keep that person encased in them forever. But Jonah Hex actually broke their spell which I'm not sure has ever happened before because I don't know a fuck-lot about Mongul and his Special Flowers. I think they were featured prominently in Mongul #1 but fuck if I can completely remember! Plus, his fondest wishes are to have a baby and marry Tallulah and killing murderers together? That seems reasonable. Also, I'm enjoying Jonah Hex's whirlwind tour of the New 52 Universe. It's a nice change of pace from the usual western. I'm still really looking forward to The New 52's House of Secrets though! It didn't get much on-panel time in its brief appearance in Justice League Dark. I hope it gets a really nice treatment here when it finally shows up.

Bizarro #1

"Bizarro orgasm out of eyes like normal heterosexual man!"

My love for Bizarro began with the Super Friends versus the Legion of Doom cartoons. He was dopey and wacky and irreverent. But most of all, he was just misunderstood. Seriously, who could understand that fucker? Sometimes he'd say, "Me not like beauty!" because the Bizarros of Bizarro world based their life on celebrating the ugly. But then sometimes somebody would get a hold of him and make his character say things like, "Me love beauty!" But that meant that he hated beauty because he was speaking in opposite Bizarro speak. But that just made every conversation with him fucking confusing because you'd think he loved beauty in that first quote I wrote! So I don't blame anybody for misunderstanding this jerk. He wasn't evil; he just perceived reality differently than we did.

But it would really have fucking helped if he could decide how is Bizarroness expressed itself from appearance to appearance!

I'm not even sure where Bizarro has come from in The New 52. I suppose that's what this issue is for since he hasn't been seen anywhere else. Although Superboy did just run into another version of Superboy over in Superboy. But that Superboy looked normal. I hope this Bizarro isn't the Harvest son clone that was tossed into a dumpster way back in the Pre-Issue #1 Superboy storyline. I really hope this Bizarro was created as wackily as the old Preboot Bizarro!

This story begins in the pages of Action Comics when Superman broke free from captivity while being held by Lex Luthor. That was when Lex Luthor thought that Superman's real shape was a deformed calf? Yeah, what an idiot. During Superman's escape, he managed to spit blood all over Lex Luthor's nice suit. Which is really all Luthor wanted. Although if you want a DNA sample from a man whose skin you can't pierce with a needle, there's always a better way! You know, a mouth swab.

Luthor's dream was to create a super hero that could go toe to toe with Superman but would also be his willing slave. Lex Luthor always wants so much.

Lex Luthor has a small prick.

That was obvious and immature of me. And I'm usually so mature! This whole Bizarro thing must be getting to me. Instead of writing intelligent, insightful, mature musings on the nature of Bizarro and how his flaws and his outlook make him truly the most tragic character in DC Comics, I'm making tiny dick jokes. It's so unlike me! I'm a bit ashamed! I'll try harder to be more academic.

Lex Luthor's test subject becomes ravenous after being subjected to Luthor's prick. His muscles engorge, his skin turns chalky white, and breaks free from his restraints. And it won't listen to a word Luthor says. Why should it? It got what it wanted. Now it just wants to go home to its own bed.

"Me hate the D! Me get enough of it! Me not want more at all! Me want long, loving relationship! Me love Lex Luthor!"

The creature rampages through Lex's laboratory but Luthor has some safety measures! Like a Kryptonite gun that doesn't work on it. And some Super-heated Plasma Lexbots which fail to stop Bizarro. Not to mention (although mentioning them so that's a stupid beginning to any sentence ever) the Quantum Tunneling Apokolips Swinehunds. You might think those would stand a chance but they're worse than Lexbots. Lex Luthor simply has one chance left.

Oh. Well fuck. I was going to say his connection in the marines.

Luckily for Lex Luthor, his penis caused all the trouble and his penis finishes it as well.

I knew it would end this way! Believe me. I've been here.

Lex Luthor decides he humans just can't handle Kryptonian DNA. That's what everyone has been telling Lois Lane for years! But now Lex Luthor has proven it! So he abandons his hybrid experiment and begins cloning a new hero from pure Kryptonian DNA. It's a sad little thing growing in test tube B-0. That's not an emoticon! But it is Bizarro! Apparently he'll be making his appearance in Forever Evil!

Bizarro #1 Rating: Me not like at all! Pure crap! Bottom ten in rankings! Which mean it actually pretty good! Unless me just confused. What me know? Me rank at #8 because me think it tell pretty good story about Bizarro. Plus me think it maybe explain scars on Lex Luthor's face! That worth the read alone!

Legion of Super-heroes #22

Why is Lightning Lad so muscular? If I had lightning powers, I'd never bother with working out. Hell, I don't have lightning powers and I never bother to work out!

The Legion of Super-heroes Plan A is to throw every single member at a problem until one of them has the ability to solve it. Why not? You could lose three hundred Legionnaires and still have too many to remember. Every now and then, the Legion needs a huge cosmic cataclysm to thin out their ranks. Otherwise Earth's economy would collapse from having to pay all of their salaries.

Last issue, nearly the entire Legion had been defeated by Tharok, The Persuader, and the Goddess of All Space and Time, Emerald Empress. The only two left standing were Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. Why is Saturn Gal called Saturn Gal? What does "Saturn" have to do with "telepathy"? Maybe I'm just too ignorant of the scientific intersection of Astronomy and New Agism.

Oh. She's from Titan. That explains it. Kind of. I suppose Saturn Girl sounds better than Titan Lass.

And if you ever wondered why some of us comic fans grew up a bit maladjusted, I present Exhibit A.

They might be dead but I'm still turned on by their ability to collapse in the sexiest poses imaginable.

Hey, Jeff Johnson! It wouldn't hurt to portray the downed Legionnaires as if they've just been beaten nearly to death! These women don't look near death. At the best, I'd say they're feeling a bit languorous; at the worst, they're deep in erotic dreams.

Tharok, being composed merely of digital data, commands The Persuader to finish Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. But Lightning Kid is too quick to be hewn in two. Saturn Girl uses her mental powers to stop The Persuader in his tracks. Until the most gorgeous woman in the universe SHWOOPS in to ruin her day.

No wonder Tharok and The Persuader are bald! Hair is a tactical disadvantage!

The Emerald Empress had better be careful about the types of hair pulling shenanigans she brings to the battlefield. She's got more hair than everybody in the Legion combined! With Saturn Girl out of the picture, The Persuader regains his crust and gets back to chopping lightning bolts.

Meanwhile, the other Legionnaires are still dead. Or in sexual ecstasy.

"Oh rock! I've never been fucked like this before! I mean, Ow! I'm dead!"

If you're wondering why I'm not showing the male Legionnaires collapsed in sexual gratification, it's because they simply look like they've collapsed from fatigue. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is why the Comics Code Authority was invented! Because so many young boys were growing up to be necrophiliacs.

The Persuader continues to beat back Lighting Lad. As he does so, he asks if Lighting Lad is going to "cry in his coffin." Oh! That's good! Now when I sing along to "You're So Vain", I'm going to sing, "There were clowns in my coffin! Clowns in my coffin!" Man, that's terrifying.

While The Persuader wastes time coming up with the "cry in your coffin" line (I have a feeling he's not too bright), Lightning Lass finishes fucking the dirt and blasts him in the back. KRACKOOM! That's the sound of justice!

If I were basing my Legion of Super-heroes ranking on Emerald Empress Moments, it would get a +15 already!

I suppose it's difficult using your mind powers when you're being flung about by your ponytail. Although it might help if Saturn Girl were grasping Emerald Empress's arm instead of holding her head. I guess Imra missed the "What to do when your enemy swings you about by the hair" class.

Tharok and the Emerald Empress, carrying Saturn Girl, transport away to safety in Tharok's Magic Portal while Lightning Lad dives in after them. The scene then shifts to the Promethean Giant where Tiny Wazoo was last seen.

Shut up. I know her name is Tinya.

A mystery couple is following closely behind the Giant in a spheroid ship. I might have a guess who is flying the ship but I know nothing about Legion history. But the female wears a white glove and once thought she was lost forever! That's probably a clue!

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant, Tharok and the others appear. That's a good place for them to appear so that Phantom Girl can save the day and prove she's the greatest leader that the Legion of Super-heroes has ever had!

Except Saturn Girl defeats the Emerald Empress with one of her mind tricks and then Invisible Kid and Frozen Boy return from the Land of the Dead. The only member of the Fatal Five left is Tharok and he's just information in the shape of a bald asshole. Although I don't think a fifth member was ever actually revealed. Unless the fifth member was the Promethean Giant. Maybe it was Comet Girl.

Oh Tharok. Could you at least let the Legion figure out how to defeat you on their own? Just like a villain to open their fucking mouths one too many times.

And then it turns out the Promethean Giant is the final member of the Fatal Five. You know what the biggest problem of the Fatal Five is? Limiting themselves to five members! Tharok does realize his greatest enemy has about three billion members? Tharok is one cocky son of a space whore.

The Promethean Giant begins smashing itself in the chest as it tries to smash the Legionnaires standing on it. I suppose it would just beat itself to death if Phantom Girl were the only member standing on it as it kept trying stupidly to crush her. But since the members of Legion standing on the Giant are crushable, somebody needs to stop the giant. And that somebody is Sensor Girl! And, um, Karate Kid!

Was that a surprise reveal? Were these two Legionnaires lost in time or something? Is this a moment where I'm supposed to cheer at their triumphant return? Because revealing that one of them is named "Karate Kid" kind of let the wind out of the sails.

Karate Kid does not do a flying kick into the Promethean Giant's face to end the battle. That may have been a more awesome way to end the fight but probably a bit unrealistic. And if there's one thing Legion fans demand, it's a sense of realism! So instead, Sensor Girl wakes up the Giant's real memories so it can realize it's being used by Tharok and turn on its puppet master.

All that's left to deal with now is Tharok and it's all up to Snow Boy!

"Least of all Legionnaires"? Shit, that's hugely debatable. Did you not see Karate Kid out there?

After all is said and done, only one Legionnaire is dead: one of Duplicate Damsel's duplicates. Phantom Girl hasn't returned and Star Boy is still missing, but they'll turn up in the last issue, I'm sure. I thought for sure this plot would end with the Legion's roster dropping a few names but instead it's gained a couple! Holy Two Girls, One Grail! This entire run is going to end with even more members than it began! And one of them is named Karate Kid!

Legion of Super-heroes #22 Rating: No change. I enjoyed Emerald Empress but then Karate Kid and Sensor Girl returned from somewhere and it didn't matter at all to me. That's when I truly realized I will never be a part of this club. Sorry, Legion of Super-heroes. But you just have too much history to truly be part of The New 52 Reboot. Perhaps DC should just start an offshoot company that publishes Legion of Super-hero comic books. It can be the Future 52! And instead of 52 titles per month, it would have 256!

Legion of Super-heroes #21

I bet the fifth member of The Fatal Five is a Legionnaire!

I'm sure a lot of people are wondering, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, how do you manage to write such amazing commentary on The New 52?" Well, let me give you a peak at the daily grind!

First I have to wake up my computer from hibernation. I don't know why it's called hibernation since I don't leave it untouched for months at a time. I had a habit of just leaving my laptop constantly running but then my fan started acting up and I realized that was probably a really bad idea. Or, more probable, I always knew it was a bad idea but didn't care because who wants to waste precious seconds waiting for your laptop to start up? So when I discovered hibernation mode, I trilled, "This is the setting for me!"

So after my computer fires up, I unlock it with my super secret secret code that isn't really keeping anybody off of my laptop since I'm the only one who uses it. But it will keep everybody off of my laptop if I die and then nobody will be able to discover and publish all of my amazing works posthumously. Maybe I should make a will containing a scavenger hunt that will lead the players to all of my passwords so they can unlock the mystery that was my life! Because after I die, I'd rather believe people would be super interested in finding out more about me than what will really happen. People will check my blog for a few weeks before forgetting about it. Then every six months or so, they'll remember and think, "Whatever happened to that guy? Maybe Tess has come back!" and they'll log on and find my account still inactive. Maybe a few people will send me emails and private messages that never get answered and slowly even Lord Google will forget that my page ever existed.

Anyway, after logging on, I'll think about what project I want to work on before I look over and see the stack of comic books I still need to read. So I decide to read one of those before getting to my real work and I'll pick up something like, I don't know, Legion of Super-heroes. Then I'll set it down and decide to check out Facebook to see what kinds of mediocre things my family and friends are up to.

After reading a few reposted Someecards posts and pictures of beers and children and another quote about how reading is the bestest from Soy Rakelson, I log off and check out my Twitter feed. God and Ricky Gervais and J. Jonah Jameson and Patton Oswalt make me laugh a few times and I log off. I'm really horrible at participating in social media unless I can type many, many words about myself. So then I check Tumblr's dashboard for an hour or so before coming to terms with my need to read Legion of Super-heroes. But by now I probably have to use the restroom and I walk away from the computer.

Returning a few hours later after being waylaid by a cat or two and forced to cuddle and nap while watching something mind-numbingly shitty on non-cable television, I wander back into my office to see Legion of Super-heroes lying on top of the scanner still in the mylar. So I turn around and yell to my non-certified spouse, "Want any tea from the local evil tea empire?" I don't think that question has ever garnered a negative response, so I put on some pants and head to the local Starbucks because who wants to make tea when it's super easy but it's super easier to go pay exorbitant prices for it down at the corner? On the way to Starbucks, I might sing a little song to myself like, "Semen tree! Semen tree! Semen tree can you see me?" One of the ten different coffee clerks will recognize me and ask if I want two teas and I'll say yes and then I'll sit in the leather chair if it isn't taken and think, "This is nice." That will make me realize I have old man tendencies and then my tea will be ready and I'll go home and finally sit down and scan the cover of Legion of Super-heroes as I check to see if The CRPG Addict has updated. If he has, I'll read his entry and marvel at how stodgy and winning-minded he is as he blows through game after game being annoyed by any whimsical factor present in every game he plays. And then I'll finally open up Legion of Super-heroes.

Big deal! The Persuader managed to kill one Duplicate Damsel! Hopefully it's not the one that's into Bouncing Boy.

On their way back to Earth, Brainiac Kid and his crew realize that Earth has gotten its ass kicked by The Persuader. Magnet Boy declares that they should have left a stronger defense. I didn't realize his super power was stating the fucking obvious. If you see a defense has been breached, I'm not sure how it helps to declare that defense should have been stronger. Elementary School Kid engages his obvious discussion for some reason. I guess arguing about the past is supposed to somehow help them cope with the present and come up with a plan for the future?

Yeah, I've got a solution! How about instead of thinking you're the only fucking fuckers capable of saving anybody else in the universe, how about tending your own gardens and trusting that other people can come up with some kind of defenses of their own? Hey! Then maybe you could have defended Earth! It's always the same, you Imperialist bastards! While trying to control the rest of the world to feel safe at home, you leave home unguarded and vulnerable.

Back on Earth, The Persuader in his hockey mask battles One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid on a pile of Duplicate Damsel bodies. One Hit Wonder Boy knocks the mask off of Persuader and realizes his secret identity is the Goatee-faced Dickhead.

"The Legion doesn't quit!" "Dude, your leader ditched you!" "Oh. I quit."

Why do these heroes always listen to the enemy's lies? Even if The Persuader isn't lying, Jo Nah should assume that he is! Maybe while Ultra Boy is using his super strength, he can't use his skepticism.

Back aboard Brainiac 5's ship, Wearing Just a Bikini Lass is trying to save Mon-el's life. Wearing So Many Clothes Maybe He Should Share Some With Bikini Lass Boy offers to help by slowing down some key chemical reactions that Death needs to make a thing die. But no, seriously Chemical Kid, maybe offer Shadow Lass your robe.

Chemical Kid has "a list of chemical reactions to slow down in the medical tank." From that information alone, Dreamy Girl declares it "sound biology." I suppose she might be remembering what the chemical reactions were from a previous dream and doesn't realize that she hasn't heard one word about biology in the current linear time. Or else just telling her a smart guy gave him the list provoked the assumption that it was sound biology.

"Quick! Take a nap and tell me if Mon-el will live!"

Why is Dreamy Girl so worried about her husband that can change the density of shit and himself and his own shit? If he was crushed it's because he was too inept at using his one power. If One Hit Wonder Boy can rapidly switch from one power to the next as needed, I'm pretty sure Beard Man can work his density power instantaneously when needed.

Meanwhile in the Realm of Death, Invisible Kid and Polar Man learn the startling truth from dead Iron Butterface: they can go back to the land of the living but they might die there and then they'll return to the Land of the Dead forever! Oh hey! Thanks for the great information. So the other choice is to not try and go back and stay in the Land of the Dead forever? Great fucking advice, corpsy. I thought this side trip to the Land of the Dead might actually teach these guys something. Maybe Paul Levitz just couldn't think of anything exciting so he tried to make it ominous. Or maybe he wanted to show them in the Land of the Dead so the reader can see that Star Boy and Phantom Girl and Duplicate Damsel and Sun Boy aren't there.

Brainiac 5's ship arrives on Earth in time to see Metropolis falling to pieces. Tharok arrives to help Persuader finish them. And The Emerald Empress is here too after somehow getting out of her Inertron prison. I don't know how she did it but SWOOOOON!

Tharok is kind of a dick head as well. Emerald Empress should share some of that gorgeous hair.

I think Tharok is only there digitally or something because Persuader and Emerald Empress do all the work of dismantling the Legionnaires. I suppose the fifth member of the Fatal Five should show up as a last page surprise but until then, let's look at some of the reasons the Emerald Empress has stolen my heart.

The hair. The flying, destructive tit. That tush. And that joyful, contagious smile!

The rest of the Legion hide within Brainiac 5's force bubble which is impenetrable to the Persuader's Axe and Emerald Empress's Flying Tit. But that's okay because Tharok has the ability to turn it off! He does so and the Emerald Empress blasts the shit out of all the remaining Legionnaires. I have no idea what kind of force power comes out of the Emerald Empress's pet boob but it seems pretty deadly. It's strong enough to take an arm off of Mon-el, so I can only imagine how fucked up everybody else is now.

And instead of the fifth Fatal Five member appearing (maybe Tharok isn't as smart as he thinks and can't actually count very high?), Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad return to save the day! And for some reason I called them by their real names!

Legion of Super-heroes #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm really beginning to enjoy this comic book. Maybe all it took was to see the Legion get the crap beaten out of them issue after issue. Is that the draw? Seeing them nearly get wiped out again and again while suffering a loss or two in every big conflict because they have so many members to spare? This comic book is about to end and I think it's finally getting good. It's definitely finally getting to a place where new readers can enjoy it. You know, if those new readers had been willing to pay $2.99 each month for twenty months before the payoff began to seem worth it!

Legion of Super-heroes #19

What a horrible day to forget your underwear, Lightning Lass.

I've got to be going to a Drink and Draw in about an hour, so I've got to make this commentary quick. If I don't, I'll probably be too drunk to continue it when I get home and then I'll forget what was going on and then I'll be really confused when I read Issue #20 and this book already has too many characters to keep track of anyway.

Welcome to Grunion Guy's Speed Commentary!

So this happened.

The Emerald Empress has some huge boobies. She must be obsessed with eyes because nobody ever makes eye contact with her. I'm including all genders no matter their sexual orientation because how can you not look at those mamba jamba mammaries? If I were here, my method of conveyance would be a gigantic tit. Oh wait. Maybe it is! Should that above page titillate me so? Is that so wrong? It's filled with death and destruction! But it's also filled with boobies and crotches! Well one crotch and three boobs. I think. The hair on this woman is pretty fantastic as well. And I love the color of her lipstick. I think I have a new comic book crush!

I have to admit that my love was entirely superficial until I saw this panel where she's laying waste to a bunch of babies in incubators. *sigh*

Mon-El arrives to save the day. But according to the cover, he isn't going to be much help unless he's simply the distraction.

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant, Phantom Girl is continuing the rumor that the aliens living on it are cannibals. They aren't cannibals! They didn't eat one of their own species! They merely ate Sun Boy! Geez. These poor guys are going to get a horrible reputation thanks to Legion's misinformation. The Promethean Giant continues to scratch at itself and it seemingly crushes Polar Boy and Invisible Kid. "Seemingly" and "invisible" are very important words in that last statement that Phantom Girl doesn't take note of.

Oh, I guess Phantom Girl is dead! Too bad she won't be a very filling meal for these aliens.

Back on Weber's World, The Emerald Love Goddess blasts Mon-El's stupid Superman-wannabe ass into space just as the other Legionnaires from the cover arrive. They arrive too late to save him but at least they arrive in time to see the fantastic show.

My Emerald Lover is amazing! Strong enough to blow the arm off of somebody with invulnerability? I think someone needs to redefine Mon-El's powers. And possibly his dominant handedness.

And just look how ecstatic she is at what she's done?

I just may have to change my avatar from Lazytown's Stephanie to Gleeful Emerald Empress.

Mr. Elemento encases the Emerald Empress in solid adamantium inertron and she's defeated.

Finally on Glorith's homeworld, the last group of Legionnaires have come face to face with Validus. So they're probably all going to die next issue. Things really are falling apart for these poor bastards. And it's obviously Phantom Girl's fault because she's such a horrible leader.

Legion of Super-heroes #19 Rating: +3 Ranking. I love me some good death and destruction! Although no Legionnaires were actually killed in this issue. Invisible Kid and Polar Boy turned invisible and got away. Phantom Girl turned intangible and got away. Mon-El will survive his injuries and probably end up with a cybernetic arm. Unless he can regenerate limbs? Glorith, Chameleon Boy, and Ultra One Hit Wonder Kid will probably die but not until next issue. I'm surprised Dream Girl didn't get at least one panel to cry and wail about her Star Boy getting himself crushed under a building.